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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 10-12-2012, 05:48 PM
Bignose McBumBum wee Offline
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 11
Default SomeWing Wong

hello i am taking 1 month for to write this, please do not mean at me. I have many help in order for to finding the correct speling of the words. I am very much hope to catch the pokemon :) thanking you and it will coming more than one parts.

"I have a present for you," Ferroseed purred, watching Wingia closely. Teeth bared, even as he grinned in what was meant to be a friendly fashion, he appeared almost predatory.

'Almost,' Wing thought with a snort, careful to keep his expression clearer than his mind. Most of his anger, however, was directed at himself. 'ALMOST,' he repeated more empathatically in his mind, having to put an effort into unclenching his stiff muscles as Ferroseed's eyes dragged down his body, lingering first on his face. The calculating, cold, grey gaze was enough to make him shudder. No matter how much emotion, positive or negative, was imbued in Ferroseed's voice, he never showed even an overtone of it on his face.

Unnatural looking locks, appearing to be the favored color of those of the gothic or emo persuasion, were tucked back, Wing realized. Ferroseed had something in mind, to swoop up the hairs that Wing had once thought of as dyed, as cliché. A closer look- A much closer look- had shown him that they were not dyed, nor indeed, raven-black, at all. Rather, a deep, dark purple, nearly indistinguishable from the darkest of greys, covered his head naturally.

Sweat drops rolled down his face, slowly evaporating now that he was in out of the hot sun. The rake had been left in the yard when Ferroseed had called, experience telling Wing that his punishment would be worse if he delayed answering the summons to put the rake away than if he simply let it lay where it fell. However, he forgot the hot, sticky mess of his torn shirt- thanks to an angry Weedle whom he had not seen while raking- when he was what Ferroseed was giving him.

This, he thought, was no toy present, no joke, and certainly not something that was more a present for Master than the slave. The usual drudgery he was forced to do was no longer of issue, even knowing he would still have to clean, cut wood, and sweep later, once he spotted the present in his owner's hand.

One pokéball, not brand new but free of the worst of damage-marks. The little circle was a light, faded, pastel red. It was occupied.

"Sir," Wing gasped, smiling in what appeared to be a shy fashion, even as his mind whirled. What was the point of this present? A Pokémon, even a weak one like Weedle (Though, his tortured torso shouted, Weedle weren't as weak as he had thought when he'd tossed one out of the way a bit roughly with the rake!), could be trained to help him escape. Ferroseed was as good as giving him his freedom. It was just too good to be real.

"Take it," Ferroseed said, raising his head. He was proud of the reaction he had derived from Wingia. His smug expression was only added to by the indulgence in his voice; he knew what a great favor he was doing Wingia.

"Why don't we make a little wager?" Ferroseed added, as Wingia took the Pokéball carefully, avoiding the touch of his Master's hand. His own, after all, were still filthy, covered in dirt and a few particles of dead leaves. It was then that Wing, hearing the slightly teasing tone that Ferroseed was using, realized that this meant trouble.

He did not, however, disagree.

"We'll have a battle," Ferroseed said, pressing the Pokéball into Wingia's hand before letting go. "Your Pokémon, against my favorite Golduck."

Golduck, like Ferroseed, was strong, yet also cunning. Agility, a sleek appearance, and subtle or long-term tactics were common among them, or at least the ones Ferroseed owned and trained (Or had had trained for himself). Along with, of course, the ability to talk someone into listening to them, but the mindset to bother doing so only to cause more confusion or damage. Though he knew Ferroseed kept them because he liked to feel that they represented him, privately Wing thought a Granbull might be a better fit for his master. The large dog might have some abilities, like tracking and scent-following, but it was, for all its attempts at cunning, a bully. Ferroseed had seemed like an enigma at first, but it hadn't taken Wing long to figure him out.

Then again, Ferroseed were an apt fit for Ferroseed as well, as least as far as appearance went. Between the hair and the crystal-like eyes, always gazing without betraying any but the most extreme of emotions, Wing felt Ferroseed was rather like the Ghost Pokémon. His figure, too, seemed to fit- Perhaps Ferroseed wasn't as scrawny as the Pokémon Wing thought of as his namesake (or perhaps vice versa), but he wasn't fat, either. He was surprisingly strong for one of such a lean musculature, however, doing the less powerful Wing no favors. He wasn't like his master, he was best described as scrawny. Even the hours of work, hard labor, and chores he was regularly subjected to had done nothing for his 'figure'.

Gripping the Pokéball, Wing prayed that whatever was inside would be useful, and wouldn't simply attack him instead of Ferroseed's Pokémon.

The first thing he heard, after the familiar 'Pop!' of the Pokéball's latch mechanism opening, was the jingle of bells. His heart sank at the sound, even before the little, frilly lace around the Pokémon's neck came into view. The FarFetch'd before him had probably been very expensive- It was a reddishbrown, rather than the usual, plain tree trunk brown- but it didn't look too useful. It seemed to be cared for- the lace was odd, but then, the Pokémon WAS female, so it wasn't just there to embarrass it. However, Wing doubted its usefulness in battle, especially against a Golduck. Ferroseed's favorite stood across from them already, eyes fixed to them, with a smirk on its face. The Pokémon looked streamlined, more lean than gaunt, and ready to fight. To win.
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  #2  
Old 10-12-2012, 05:50 PM
Bignose McBumBum wee Offline
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 11
Default Re: SomeWing Wong

Tinkling echoed from bells tied to string, looped around legs, thread through two sets of three toes. FarFetch'd swung a rather dainty swathe of Rosebush in its mouth, the practical leek replaced with a rose. Little irritation points were clear on its beak, from the thorns, but the Pokemon was used to eating tough vegetation in time of hardship, and no blood dripped from the little wounds. Tough skin was not impervious, but it had survived so far.

"Fight," The Pokemon said, though Wing did not understand enough of its language to know this. He did, however, see his chance. The gift had been the sort one would give a young girl in her princess stage, but he was used to such mockery, intertwined as it was with periods of respect.

'Take what you can get and give nothing back,' He reminded himself grimly.
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  #3  
Old 10-12-2012, 05:51 PM
Bignose McBumBum wee Offline
 
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Posts: 11
Default Re: SomeWing Wong

Size up the opponent. Watch him. Weak spots in movements, movements too cleancut to be possible from anything not on wheels. Watch him mimic the bird's elaborate dance, even twirling one webbed paw as though removing the rose from its mouth as the wing does what is faked --

"Peck." Considering attacks carefully, Wong watched the Golduck, for once taking cues from someone other than its trainer. Speculation was easy, as FarFetch'd ceased using Swords Dance and Golduck ceased mimicking. The first move of the water type, too, was to size up its opponent, though it was done with carelessness and disdain, showing that it was done more for show than from a need to know what it was fighting. The Tail Whip was weak, and didn't even graze FarFetch'd as it flew passed, attack also missing the mark.

"Fury Cutter." Apt, fitting, appropriate; it was what he felt, and Ferroseed could see this. Wong's face wasn't normally as expressionless as His; he wasn't trying to make it that way then either.*

The attack missed.

"Fury Attack." Voice rising, worry, the smug grin- Two of those attacks in a row was no coincidence, but Svyi needed only one blue limb to knock FarFetch'd from the air, lace tangling before tearing off. Bells jangled, there were no surprise attacks possible unless they dislodged.

They were tight, Wong noticed. Removal might well take the damaged feet with them.

Slash tore through a Water Gun, Hydro Pump redirected soaked Sands. The two weren't evenly matched by anyone's standards, but yet both still stood, of about equal injury. Finally, Wong tried something he knew was less than traditional, unable to be used to win the fight, but easier to hit with. A False Swipe attack wasn't a feint followed by a solid hit, it was a fake attack, stunted, stopped before its full potential. It was easier to hit when one didn't aim to kill, however.

A feint came first, even before the fake attack. Mirth seemed inappropriate for the situation, but Wong's lips lifted into a smile. In an eerie gesture- The look was forced and didn't follow to the rest of his face- Ferroseed mimicked this.

The fake swipe wasn't blocked; Ferroseed and Svyi knew it was not meant to kill. The rosebud, thorns used to hold it to the inner wing of the FarFetch'd, was. Unexpectedly, the sharp end was forced into Golduck's side, a nuisance that drew a bit of blood. Reversal of the object, when it was rejected with a quick swipe, was more dangerous. The rose hung limply even once FarFetch'd darted back, drifting upside down in the breeze left by retreating wings, hiding Golduck's face. One of the larger thorns had pierced its eye.

Reality seemed to hang like a fog in the air. Wong froze, before the rose shuddered. Golduck had blinked.

The reflex that had saved its sight before now dripped blood into its eye, from the ruined shreds of what had once been an eyelid.

Golduck was gone before it could move further, and FarFetch'd, self satisfied, hung within the air with its wings outstretched as though in suspended motion.
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  #4  
Old 10-12-2012, 05:53 PM
Bignose McBumBum wee Offline
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 11
Default Re: SomeWing Wong

He barely dared to look. She could barely hold still. Wings folded, FarFetch'd was released from the pause in time. She dropped to the ground, lifting lace within her claws. There was silence from Wing. Wing knew how dangerous silence was.

"Very good," was all Wing would say, though his malevolent gaze fixed on Wingia for a minute. Knowing*something*had to be coming, but not what, he simply waited. Wing, however, only drew away, recalling Golduck, and strode off.

The feeling of impending disaster hung over his head. Wing would certainly never let him get away before punishing him, especially now, but this didn't so much as occur to Wing at the moment. Instead, he recalled FarFetch'd, burrowing into his layers of clothes and hiding the Pokéball there, before taking off. Long legs, cramped from earlier work, responded reluctantly, but he pushed himself, trying to run faster. His ankles throbbed as his feet hit the ground, but the shock they absorbed spared his knees, which was important. Ankles were replacable, but one could not beg properly on their feet.

This wasn't really something he needed to avoid. Whatever else might come, however, was.

The fence came into sight too quickly. He had no way to get over it. FarFetch'd was called out unceremoniously, and before the bird had time to do anything at all, Wing grabbed onto its feet as it flew upwards, hoping it would understand enough to fly over the fence, to fly him away. At under three feet, however, and a mere 30-something pounds, FarFetch'd couldn't possibly carry his weight. The Pokémon's legs, blood flow already restricted by the bells attached tightly to them, simply fell back to earth with Wing.
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  #5  
Old 10-12-2012, 05:54 PM
Bignose McBumBum wee Offline
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 11
Default Re: SomeWing Wong

Blackness spun in front of him, feathered fronds nearly hitting his nose as they fell. 'She hit the fence,' was the first thing he thought, more horrified for himself and his upcoming fate than for her death. The blackened feathers, however, were cool to the touch, possibly dyed, but not singed. Suddenly, there were teeth attached to them, a tooth-filled beak, and he shrieked as blood dripped from his hand. The world spun; he was hungry, he was dizzy, he was tired, he was afraid. And both were screaming.

The Murkrow who's tail Del had grabbed bit him viciously, before FarFetch'd dug its claws into the Pokemon's back. The two pulled back, dancing about each other like swans, but out of hate, rather than love. For a casual observer, this might not be obvious. Both moved with obvious grace, and focused expressions. Were it not for Murkrow's bleeding wounds, and the bell-laden strings tied inhumanely tightly around FarFetch'd's claws, no one would be the wiser to their dislike for each other. After all, love and hate were both surprisingly similar, both strong emotions. If anything, they were the same, and apathy their shared opposite.

Giving off the sort of cawwing noise most would have expected to hear from the darker bird, FarFetch'd flung open its wings, and floated upwards before spinning. The Swords Dance grew in speed despite the balls of shadow that Murkrow lobbed at its enemy, until FarFetch'd was hyped to fight.

Avoiding yet another disc of shadow- shadows were flat, after all, and thus closer to a flattened UFO shape than a spherical one- FarFetch'd leapt at Murkrow. Though the attack was expected, Murkrow still could do nothing to stop the duck's Fur y Attack. Teeth and claws bit into its flesh, and the ringing of bells acted not simply as a warning, but as a nuisance. The Pokemon's ears were irritated by the close, sharp sounds.

Finally, in desperation, Murkrow began to kick up sand. This, however, did nothing to help, as FarFetch'd had keen eyes. The Pokemon glared at it through the haze of yellow dust, before landing a solid Fury Cutter on it.

FarFetch'd's Pokeball lay in Del's hands when Murkrow fell to earth. However, rather than throwing it, he snatched up Murkrow, holding the Pokemon as it weakly fought him.

"We need to get out," He said, causing it to stop struggling. He didn't know if it was part of this place, but apparently, it did seem to want to get away, even if it had only wandered in.
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  #6  
Old 10-12-2012, 05:55 PM
Bignose McBumBum wee Offline
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 11
Default Re: SomeWing Wong

Murkrow was less substantial than Wing had realized. The body he held in his hands wasn't exactly feather-light, but it was certainly not heavy enough to carry him. FarFetch'd had to weigh, easily, at least three times as much as the small, dark bird. Murkrow's feathers were what made it look large, despite weighting next to nothing.

Suddenly angry, he stumbled away from the fence, screaming almost incoherently at FarFetch'd. Despite this, the Pokemon did not seem too confused as it followed him. Finally, as he walked back towards certain doom, Wing decided it couldn't get any worse if he went somewhere else he wasn't allowed to. Stumbling towards the generators, the source of power, he opened the door, slamming it behind him. Rolling the heavy metal shut hadn't been easy. However, the room within distracted him from this entirely.

Hay and straw littered the floor, and were, in bales, covering the outer perimeter. Had there been Pokemon powering the place, that would have made sense. However, there were not.

Throwing himself at a bale of hay- More to destroy it then to get comfortable on something other than the floor- He shut his eyes as he hit the harsh strands. Murkrow struggled free of his arms, but didn't try to fly away. Perhaps, Wing thought, he realized how impossible it was, impossible to escape the premises, and impossible to get out of this room with the steel door blocking his way.

FarFetch'd, however, seemed to be the Pokemon's goal, and to his surprise, it was not to hurt the Pokemon. Murkrow nipped the circulation-destroying bells from FarFetch'd's feet, stepping back as the other bird lunged uncontrollably, in terrible pain. Blood flowed suddenly into the once-deadened limbs, the sensation quite painful. They would probably never entirely recover, but it seemed that, from the sounds FarFetch'd gave off, they were still alive. Well enough, at least, not to need amputation.

Crying into the straw, Wing didn't notice, at first, that his face was lying on something soft. Finally, when he grabbed away a handful of the stuff in anger, ripping the surprisingly limp and yielding stuff out from where it was clinging tightly, he realized his mistake. Rather than feeling ashamed, he half-shouted a less than sane sounding laugh as he realized what he held was, in fact, fur. Wool. Yellow fleece, still attached to an understandably upset Mareep.

"I wish you were dead," He told the pokemon matter-of-factly, as Mareep squealed, before shutting its eyes. He didn't care if it was a lost innocent, Ferroseed's best spy, or just some janitor's hidden pet, though the latter would best explain the hay lying around in the deserted room.*

When the Mareep shot a beam of thunder at him, which it had been focusing on creating before, he merely laughed. FarFetch'd intercepted the attack anyway, unusually loyal for one he had known so shortly. The Pokemon fell to the ground, scorched, and it was only then that Wing felt the first strains of sense returning to him, felt a little guilty for how FarFetch'd had been hurt.

He ordered the Pokemon to stay down, then pushed Murkrow into the hay before it could take up the fight. Instead, he lifted one of the bales of hay, and flung it at Mareep, to distract it. The string around it burst, and pieces of straw flew wildly. More bales followed, before his hand hit a toolbox. Without hesitation, he flung it at Mareep.

Having been surprised by the man's tossing of hay bales, Mareep had been upset at first. However, the stray bits that rained down on it were hardly dangerous, so it had settled for staring. When it tried to get away, as a heavier object was thrown, the wound from where Wing had torn its fur away reopened, the scab on the sheep's skin opening and gushing again. The Pokemon froze, staring at it, and was hit squarely in the head with a toolbox.

"I oughtta get out the wrench," Wing said, thinking of the many movies which involved Team Rocket beating poor, innocent Pokemon to death before being avenged. However, he did nothing of the sort. Instead, he covered the Pokemon's injury with a rag from his pocket, before rubbing the bruised face. Soothing strokes became more rough, as his frustration grew. He could be found any moment- especially with all the noise he had made- and he was no closer to escaping.

Hardly caring anymore about finding a way out, or a Pokemon who would be useful in getting him out, he took out the Pokeball he had been saving.*

"You'll just have to stay close to me," he told Murkrow, and threw the 'ball at the other Pokemon, the Mareep.
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  #7  
Old 10-24-2012, 04:29 AM
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Default Re: SomeWing Wong

Alright, I'm assuming this is your first story, and this is also my first grade. I'm also hoping that you are done editing, and I know that English is not your first language and will grade you accordingly. : )

Introduction:

We are given the scenario of Wing, a person seemingly stuck in a slave relationship in some sort of prison-like camp, who is being given the chance to battle his master. First of all, naming the master Ferroseed confused me as I thought both characters were Pokemon. However I realized later on what you meant so that is fine. In the future try to use names that are separate from any Pokemon names so that the reader doesn't get confused.

You also gave a lot of description to Ferroseed but not any to the main character Wing. Next time try to describe the main character the most, as they are the most important one. But overall you really did a great job on your beginning, and I was swept in right away in wondering what the present was, and also what situation the main character was in.

Plot:

The plot is interesting. We have a prison camp where the guard gives one of the prisoners a chance to battle, and he uses the Pokemon to try to escape, unfortunately getting caught in a tussle with a Murkrow before he can get above the camp's fence. After that he encounters a Mareep and continues his escape plans by attempting to capture the Pokemon.

Personally I found this to be extremely creative and well done. The pacing was good and nothing dragged on too long. However because of the language barrier there were a few confusing bits where you jumped around or you included messy transitions from one situation to the next. For example, going from when Wing and his Farfetch'd drop to the ground and the appearance of Murkrow, things got a little hazy and I couldn't quite understand what was happening. Despite that though, this was excellent and the next parts should be great if you choose to continue! : )

Grammar:

Alright I'm going to go easy on you for this section because for not having English as a first language, you did fantastically. Better than a lot of English speakers actually! But here are a few things to keep in mind.

Firstly, the name of the main character changed several times throughout from Wing to Wingia to Wong. Next time make sure to keep this straight throughout.

Next, quotation marks. This is an example of incorrect grammar when using quotation marks:

"Wow." She exclaimed.

This is correct usage:

"Wow," she exclaimed.

Basically, if the sentence continues after the end of the quotation marks, use a comma before the last quotation mark and then leave the next word after the quotation mark uncapitalized. The rest of the time you used them correctly so that's great!

You also used a lot of commas in your sentences, but it isn't very distracting and the rules for that are complicated and I'd probably just confuse you further. For now just keep checking your work before posting and if you are worried about grammar in the future, just give me a copy of your work and I can help proofread it for you. : )

Description: This section was absolutely stunning. You described the Pokemon, Ferroseed, and the setting in great detail and made it enjoyable to read. I was quite impressed.

The only thing here is I have no idea what Wing looks like. Be sure to describe him next time if you continue this.

Battle: The first battle was excellent. You described the moves, the terrain, and the Farfetch'd's appearance very well. No complaints here as it was a great read. The last battle however with Mareep felt forced into the story, and really had no connection to the rest of the plot. Just remember for the future that you don't have to battle the Pokemon captured in the story, or even throw a Pokeball at it, though it should definitely be mentioned and play some sort of role in the plot.

Overall: There really is no reason for me to keep this from you, especially as it is a simple category Pokemon and it's your first story. For a first story, this is great, just remember to proofread everything several times through before posting, or contact someone if you want them to check for mistakes beforehand. Other than that, I think in the future you can go for much harder Pokemon as your prose is beautiful.

Mareep captured!
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  #8  
Old 10-24-2012, 05:25 PM
Bignose McBumBum wee Offline
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 11
Default Re: SomeWing Wong

oh I have very much great thank for the situation of the capture :D :D I am greatly honoured
再见付款发侧 :丁。我不是中国人
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