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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 08-10-2006, 01:55 PM
Kayden Javlaíakín's Avatar
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Default Evolution


.:: EVOLUTION ::.
"Enter the world with another´s blood, bone, and flesh as you are transformed forever; both physicaly and emotionally."
-- An Original Trainer Fiction by Kayden --


Table of Contents:
Chapter One - The Hunt:
Post 2; Page 1
Chapter Two - The Evolution: Estimated 8/22/06

Vocabulary Guide:
GýSlynix:
(grr.slin.ix): An ancient ritual in which consists of sacrificing Pokémon soley of one type to awaken the god/goddess of that element.
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  #2  
Old 08-10-2006, 01:57 PM
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Default Re: Evolution

Chapter One:
THE HUNT

Darkness planted itself in the sky. The luminescent outline of the moon contrasted against the black of the twilight. The eyes of the stars gazed down upon the earth, as if watching its every movement, while singing an infinite symphony of tranquillity. Upon the hard crust of the apple-like planet, strands of grass laughed and frolicked as the restless, playful winds wove themselves through the plants, tickling them coltishly with their piercing coldness.

A shrill, high-pitched screech suddenly sliced the pinnacle of harmony. From a large clump of various ferns and berries, a cream-coated feline-like creature appeared, mewing her battle cry.

”Pers. Persian ” When she landed onto the valley soil, she simultaneously turned her head, a ruby jewel-like blotch set in the heart of her face. Her tail flickered cautiously. The cat then sped off into the forest.

She was your Persian, whom in which you named Kilala. You and your feline companion were hunting down a Crawdaunt, a respectively rare crab-like Pokémon. It had been your eternal dream to capture one of these marvelous crustaceans as so to complete your aquatic Pokémon collection.

You follow your Persian who leads you a few meters into the woods. The feline then stops running. She lifts her head into the crisp night air, her amber eyes flickering madly with a fierce, unnerving determination. Her small nose twitches and crinkles respectively as she, with an unbroken concentration, sniffs the air for a scent. No, the scent. The scent of a wet, hard, shell-like body . . .

Suddenly Kilala freezes on the spot. She blinks nervously for a few short moments, before you observe her taking off into the East again.

You quickly run in her exact footsteps. Your muscles tense and strain with the stress of your bloodthirsty ambitions. A trickling trail of sweat drips down from your brunette hair. One hand shook spasmodically. Its partner set in a pocket upon your denim jeans, fingers squeezing a small red-and-white ball in your anticipation, your eagerness. Your beautiful Arbok-skin boots were now being splattered and tinted with the brown liquidity of the mud beneath your feet.

Kilala stops and she turns herself to face you. She meows softy, and any other time you would thought of it as a sign of affection. But this time was different. You knew what that cry had meant, and you quietly stalk towards the lake in front of you, its crystalline surface glimmering with the tranquil fragility of glass.

You stop alongside your feline companion, who has now bowed her tan head and began to hiss tartly, the ruby upon her forehead flickering in the night.

You stare at her. “Don’t worry,” you reassure the Persian, though in truth it was more like reassuring yourself. “It will come.” Nevertheless, the cat’s claws withdraw into the earthy soil in apprehension. Her curled, banner-like tail flows, untethered, in the evening winds.

Suddenly, a ring of bubbles appear in the body of water. You look at it inquiringly. Then an enormous serpent, its magnificent scales glowing sapphire when moonlight bathed upon them, shot itself out of the lake. It emits a roar that could have, in a figurative sort of sense, shuddered the Earth. “Gyarados ” Its victory cry echoes briefly before the dragon-like Pokémon dives back down into its watery abyss, sending a massive quantity of ripples throughout the crystalline water.

You simply stare at the moon, disappointed. You already owned a Gyarados, a shiny one in fact, and you certainly did not need another. It was simply that Crawdaunt you needed, for once you have captured it, you would, for once and for all, be able to conduct the GýSlvinx ritual.

This ancient procedure had not been done for hundreds of thousands of years, not ever since the great water master, Wallace, had disappeared. Some had rumored that a great god had taken his life for sacrificing all of those Pokémon to only one creature, though that beinǵs power did happen to be equivalent to all that of the aquatic monsters combined.

Others said that he couldńt handle the responsibilities of that higher power, and he just vanished.

The GýSlynix Ritual was a procedure in which one could take the lives of all the Pokémon of one type, and you had chosen water, and call upon the gods to summon a being of that element, but with power that far surpassed that of the creatures in which you sacrificed.

Suicune, you thought. How I have longed to capture the mystic Water Goddess... You didńt really bother to think of the consequences of this hunt.

Kilala leaps onto your lap, her acanthous claws digging into your flesh, drawing a trickling trail of blood upon your leg. She purrs softly, an audible sign that she wants attention. You stroke her creamy fur with your fingers, relishing the fluffiness of her undercoat.

Then you wait.

****************

Four long, miserable hours later, just when the suńs warming smile had spread itself upon the Earth, the lakés surface once again begins to bubble ominously. You, your consciousness literally hanging by a thread, tap Kilala, who was napping cozily on a soft patch of grass. She yawns briefly, spreading her white, hinged jaws wide, revealing many sharp teeth.

The moment you turn to look back at the lake, a shelled red head breaks the surface of the water. “Craw. Crawdaunt.” You ready yourself for the challenge ahead of you. This is it, the thought weaves itself through your head. My one chance...

“Kilala, go!” You shout your command. The cat Pokémon runs to the border between the land and the water, hissing ferociously.

“Start with a dazzling display of Thunder!” Kilalás thick fur now begins to glow uncannily with an eerie yellow. She hisses, then releases all of her tension in the form of an enormous thunderbolt. It strikes the Crawdaunt right in the face, and the surrounding water in the lake nearly quadruples the attacḱs power.

Crawdaunt cries out in pain, now panting heavily. Only the first move and already it was extremely weak. The crab́s claws begin to shimmer with a sapphire gleam. Crabhammer... You had seen this move used so many times by your Kingler. You knew exactly what to expect.

Just as Crawdaunt begins to perform its assault, you yell out to Kilala. “Kilala, dodge and use Petal Dance.” A blue beam of light and bubbles emerges from the Crawdaunt́s claws. Your Persian jumps over it, just barely evading the attack. She then meows loudly and sends out a sea of rosy petals that then danced freely in the wind. They sliced and hacked at the crustacean, causing it to scream in agony. It then loses consciousness, it bobs softly in the water of the lake.

You know it has fainted, but you want to attack one more time to assure yourself it was unconscious. “My Persian, go forth, and attack with one final Thunder!” Kilalás fur once again begins to fall under the spell of an amber glow. She then releases the energy. The thunderbolt races towards the Crawdaunt, its power amplified greatly by the water in the lake. Only this time, the crab makes no sound as it is hit by the attack. You observe happily as smoke emerges from the Crawdaunt.

“Great ball,” you command. “Go!” You release the red-and-blue ball you have been holding in your left hand for some time now. It flies through the air, and hits the shell of the Crawdaunt. Only instead of containing the Pokémon inside of it, the orb vanishes.

You stand, staring at the Crawdaunt, puzzled. It is then that you see that the crab́s chest had ceased its movement. Aghast, you call your Persian back to your side. Kilala runs to you, and begins to weave her sleek, slender body through your legs, rubbing her creamy head gently on your knees.

Suddenly, the scene in front of you disappears, and you and Kilala are left in infinite darkness. The two of you attempt to run, but you are frozen to the spot, as if you were being tethered and constricted by invisible binds. You can only stand and wait.

Ahead of you, a small, feline-like shape appears. Its long, slender tail flowed lazily in the wind, its beautiful sapphire-blue eyes gaze at you. But the creaturés identity is a mystery to you, as the colors or tints of the being were not visible. It then begins to speak, in a femalely harsh sort of tone:

“I am Kíæl, the Mother of all Pokémon. I watch for them and observe their every tranquil movement. I can see what you humans do to them, whether it be abuse them, love them, or simply cause them agony, I see it all. And what I have witnessed today is a crime, my dear Ty. And this crime is the very worst a human being such as yourself can do to a Pokémon. You have stolen the life of another; this kind of action is absolutely unforgivable. So you must accept the Evolution, which is the punishment I have decided to bestow upon you.”

The mystery Pokémon glows eerily with a pink tint. A sharp pain runs through your body. It is too much for you to bear. Tears stream from your eyes, and you just about pierce your eardrums with your own agonized screams. Suddenly it stops, and a display of ruby as bright as blood flashes before your eyes as you and Kilala fall into the dark of nothingness...
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Last edited by Kayden Javlaíakín; 08-10-2006 at 03:08 PM.
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  #3  
Old 08-10-2006, 04:21 PM
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Default Re: Evolution

Hm, an interesting beginning, Kayden. Interesting choice of second person as well. It definitely wasn't what I was expecting, though your description was fantastic. I've come to expect that, that great description.

Hm, I wonder what will happen next...

EDIT: First response. Now its on to more Revelations:COF...
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  #4  
Old 08-10-2006, 06:15 PM
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Default Re: Evolution

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sceptile Frost View Post
Hm, an interesting beginning, Kayden. Interesting choice of second person as well. It definitely wasn't what I was expecting, though your description was fantastic. I've come to expect that, that great description.

Hm, I wonder what will happen next...

EDIT: First response. Now its on to more Revelations:COF...
*throws cookie*
Thank you, SF. :)

Honestly though, because this is my first time with second-person, I didn´t really know how good I had done it. I honestly thought I had written terribly. But your little comment there made my day.

Once again, thanks for that review. :)
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  #5  
Old 08-11-2006, 02:14 AM
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Default Re: Evolution

Wow, I clicked on the link to find out what all the fuss was about, and I sure got more than I was expecting. Hopefully I can read fics like this one and learn from them.
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Old 08-11-2006, 02:16 AM
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Default Re: Evolution

how did u get the card
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Old 08-11-2006, 02:27 AM
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Default Re: Evolution

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Jr Trainer View Post
how did u get the card
Theres a thread somewhere and you just follow the instructions she gives you. her name is actually alice_the_dratini
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Old 08-11-2006, 05:38 AM
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Default Re: Evolution

Hey Kayden!

Well, so far so good. This seems to be a very interesting fic. Sacrificing a whole Pokemon type? That’s a pretty intense but excellent idea. ^^

You did second person quite nicely. I can tell that I am already part of the story, even though I am a man trainer who want to extinct all water Pokemon. XD Hehe, your second style person is a little different from Saffire Persian’s. Hers is a little more with emotion while yours is more action and descriptive.

Too me, I think you did the emotional description better then your other fic “Nefarious Serendipity". (will correct the name later XD). I think it’s because you made the characters in this fic have a lot of thoughts in it. For example:

Quote:
Suicune, you thought. How I have longed to capture the mystic Water Goddess... You didńt really bother to think of the consequences of this hunt.
I like this paragraph because of how you put the character was in awe with the sight of Suicune and will finally be able to catch it after all these years.

I think what you need to improve a little is the attacks. Well, the description of the attacks is well done, indeed. The only problem was there was not much emotion in it. For instance:

Quote:
“Start with a dazzling display of Thunder!” Kilalás thick fur now begins to glow uncannily with an eerie yellow. She hisses, then releases all of her tension in the form of an enormous thunderbolt. It strikes the Crawdaunt right in the face, and the surrounding water in the lake nearly quadruples the attacḱs power.

Crawdaunt cries out in pain, now panting heavily. Only the first move and already it was extremely weak. The crab́s claws begin to shimmer with a sapphire gleam. Crabhammer... You had seen this move used so many times by your Kingler. You knew exactly what to expect.
So far, all I see is Pokemon attack, and then Pokemon attack back. Maybe you could put how Kilalas was happy that it had weaken Crawdaunt greatly. Also, you could put how the Crawdaunt was really frustrated that the Pokemon got mad and then wanted a quick revenge, so the Pokemon suddenly use Crabhammer. Yeah, don’t really want the Pokemon to be pokebots when they battle. ^^;

All in all, this is pretty good. Well, good luck with the second chapter!
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Chapter Thirteen: It's All a Contest up (12/28/08)

Last edited by Bay; 08-11-2006 at 05:42 AM.
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  #9  
Old 08-11-2006, 09:08 AM
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Default Re: Evolution

This is something special. I've never seen second person written like this before. It's different. As Bay said, second person usually focusses upon the feelings of the character in question, but this is much more active, and adventurous than a normal second person. It's not every day you see something like this. Mind you, I'm saying this as a good thing, not a bad thing.

Your description was immaculate as always, but there was only two things I noticed that was out of place. Either that, or I cannot read.

Quote:
Its partner set in a pocket upon your denim jeans, fingers squeezing a small red-and-white ball in your anticipation, your eagerness.
Quote:
You release the red-and-blue ball you have been holding in your left hand for some time now.
You origially said that you had a red and white ball, but then you threw a Great Ball. Perhaps I missed something, and these are meant to be different. If so, you can hit me...XD.

Quote:
Nevertheless, the cat’s claws withdraw into the earthy soil in apprehension.
You can't normally withdraw into something. Usually withdraw is back to its original place, and in the case of the Persian, it would be called retract. But the way this comes across to me that the Persian dug her claws into the earth. If so, then "withdraw" should be replaced by another word, like "dig". Meh, "dig" is not so good, but you get what I mean.

Anyway, time to stop nitpicking, and congratulate you. Congratulations. I'm looking forward to the rest of this. And sorry if I seemed rude... :(

DS
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  #10  
Old 08-12-2006, 02:32 AM
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Default Re: Evolution

*chucks cookies at everyone*

Thank you, everyone for the great reviews! ^_^
Yeah, I wanted to do my own style of second-person. And this story is an attempt to test it out, so to speak. Well, I'm certainly glad you are all enjoying the fic thus far, and I would like to inform you all that Chapter Two is halfway completed. Sorry to keep you all in suspense... :P
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