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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #16  
Old 04-15-2007, 02:53 PM
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Default Re: Back to the Crystal Fortress - The Unowns Return (PG...?)

Back, I need a lot more reviews.

Chapter 10: The Unowns’ Story

Wallace and Brendan walked into the hostage room. Not walked, of course – it was more

like getting dragged into a room in a huge light blue bubble by 26 alphabet creatures. But

as soon as they got in, they forgot everything about the bubble (and the disgrace of being

kept as prisoners) as they stared.


Practically three-quarters of Hoenn population were in there. They were crammed like

sardines (cliché, I know, but yea…) next to each other. The rest were stuck firm against

the wall. They’re all unconscious, thought Brendan. I mean, if they weren’t unconscious

wouldn’t they feel disgraced about being crammed like this and cry for mommy?

“‘Disgrace’ is really your daily word, eh?” said Wallace.

Brendan stared, then asked, “How did you know? I was thinking that word just now.”

“Oh.” Dude, I’m freakin’ psychic, joked Wallace’s inner voice. Yeah right.

“Aight, get into position, kids,” said P.

“You mean THAT?” said Wallace in disbelief as he pointed to the hostages. “We aint

homos!”

“See, I TOLD you that was what it meant,” thought P in triumph to Y.

“I knew that,” said Y defensively, but not convincingly.

“Yeah.” P laughed. “Okay,” it said. “Sit here. Anyway, you’re going to know ‘what’s up with

us’, in your language, so I think you’d best hear a story while seated.”

Brendan stared. “Did you understand what he just said?”

“Yeah, kindergartener,” said Wallace.

They sat down in an empty space.


“C, platform please,” P ordered.

C glanced at P in boredom. “I don’t quite like your tone. Ask nicely. Magic word?”

“I SAID the magic word, you dork!”

“The magic word is ‘Awesome C’,” said C coolly.

“That’s a phrase, not a word, you dweeb!”

“Yeah, whatever,” said C. It pushed P off the stage.

This could get pretty messed up, thought Wallace happily.

“I know, huh?” said Brendan, almost as happy.

Wallace turned his head around slowly, and stared at Brendan. “Who you talking to?”

Brendan hesitated, then said, “My inner voice.”

Well, that’s certainly paranoid, thought Wallace. Really a reflection of me.

“I am NOT paranoid,” Brendan snapped. “You’re just jealous, and I am NOT a reflection of

you. Who wants to be YOU? That hairstyle is seriously disgusting.”

“Whoever said you were paranoid?” Wallace asked in fake concern. The truth was he was

trying to prove this seemingly insensible power.

“Well, you just did!”

ZOMG, that proves it, screamed Wallace’s inner voice. I can send mind messages… just

like the Unowns… What a coincidence.

He was still in shock as C continued business…


“Platform right here, F. Thaaank you, you are so kind,” C said, balancing the platform

thrown at it on its head. “Improve your basketball skills,” it joked. “Get it? Throwing?

Basketball? HAHAHAHA! Haley over here, thank you so much.”

“Why do we need the girl?” asked Q. “We’ve got translating apparatus, right?”

“She’s hot,” said C simply.

“That certainly explains things,” said Q.

“All right, listen up, kids,” said Haley in a perfectly normal but somehow inhuman voice.

“That’s Haley!” exclaimed Brendan. “I was on a date with her…”

“You?” asked Wallace. Then he proceeded to crack up just as Allen did.

“Seriously.”

“No more jokes, you two,” snapped Haley.

“Fine,” said Brendan. And the two promptly shut up.

“P, over here,” said Haley. P came up to the platform. One shot of its eyes and Haley was

hypnotized like a Slakoth.

“There we go,” said P through Haley.

“Now, I’m wondering how to start this ‘conversation’ off,” P said casually.

“Howbout with some freestyle rap?” shouted E.

The Unowns shrieked in laughter.

“It wasn’t that funny,” muttered P. It took a deep breath, then rapped:


First thing of all, let’s get to the point.
You probably wondering why you up at da joint
But Master P’s telling you, stop wonderin and listen.
Cuz the story’s right here, better pay good attention
Like da first grade school kids, you know what I’m sayin?
They keep their eyes locked, heads up, mouth closed, so SHUT UP!



The Unowns and the two guys looked up in awe. Then all the Unowns let off a red

shimmer of light, and transformed into human form, all in a second. They looked perfectly

ordinary. Wallace recognized Yvonne from the crowd, and Brendan saw Allen mouthing to

him, “You’re such a n00b.”

“What’re you doing!?” gasped P.

Then all the humans (those standing, anyway) broke into applause and cheers. Cries

of “Encore!” and “Rap battle!” could be heard above the crazy cheers and shouts. Wallace

and Brendan stood up and cheered together with the other humans.

“DON’T USE THE HUMAN FORMS!” yelled P.

“Oh…” Then the Unowns turned swiftly back into Unowns.

“Seriously now. You’re wondering why you, and all of these people, are in this hostage

room and sitting listening to a Pokemon talk through a human.

Now I’m going to answer all your questions, but please do not ask until the end. Though I

doubt you will have any - I will provide you with enough information so that you can’t

think of anything to ask.

“Aw, damn boring professor lecture,” yawned Brendan.

Haley glared at him. Suddenly Brendan felt a zap of electricity on his lips, and found that

he couldn’t move his mouth one inch.

“Mouth closed. You’ve shut up,” said P coolly.

“I will now begin with the history of Unowns. Unowns have existed long before the first

pokemon, the Clefairies, landed on earth. But we were classified as Pokemon by the

scientist Spencer Hale in 2001. If it wasn’t for the meddling homo, none of us would be

here at all.

Us Unowns originated from the Cave of Origin in Sootopolis City, Hoenn. People think

most pokemon came from the Cave of Origin, but now I’ll tell you, they don’t. As far as I

know, only we came from Earth. And I know very far.

We moved to Johto temporarily to find a refuge for our, if I may say, BOREDOM of staying

in the Cave of Origin every day and not needing food or water. We moved across miles of

ocean to reach a small, sacred space next to Violet City. There, we joked and freestyle-

rapped with our friends the Natus, and did self-portraits with our friends the Smeargles.

Life had been looking up.


All was peaceful until some blabbermouth told Jimmy, a so-called ‘hero’ from Johto, that all

he had to do to complete his Pokedex was to fix up some puzzles connecting to the sacred

space. That nearly ruined our hidden identity and our hidden life, with some Jimmy walking

around in our sacred space and trying to catch us. Luckily we had some mysterious

immunity to the magnetic quality of pokeballs, which disabled any sort of catching with

anything lower than a master ball. But of course, Jimmy didn’t want to waste a master ball

on catching us, so we didn’t lose any of our brothers, and that’s why we’re here today.

What we didn’t know then was that Jimmy already had the “Seen” part of the Unown

pokedex. He reported, or as I say, blabbered, to the Johto region on radio about the

existence of unknown creatures, which gave us our name.


And that’s when Spencer Hale started to research about us. He spent days walking around

the sacred space, trying to find more clues so that he could be the first one to catch one

of us and become a billionaire. And so on one fateful day, we got so annoyed that we

decided to abduct Hale for good. And we did, right in the middle of his office. We changed

his mansion and the garden outside into a crystal world, similar to this one you are in right

now.

Unfortunately, Spence’s daughter, Molly, was now alone, without any parents to take care

of her. And I really don’t know what happened there. I just felt…sorry for her. I guess the

others did too. But it wasn’t just about being sorry – we had to keep our identity hidden.

And so we summoned Entei, a mythical pokemon, to take her into our crystal world and

promise to keep her entertained, satisfied, and quiet about our existence.”

“Whoa wait a minute,” interrupted Wallace. “Entei’s a burger. How could he take care of a

girl?”


Haley glared at Wallace and his mouth was shut.

“Molly wasn’t satisfied though. With Entei as her father, she felt like she now needed a

mother. Entei promised to keep her content, and so it looked for a mother and by chance

picked up the mother of that world-known imbecile, Ash Red Ketchum.

I instantly knew it wasn’t a good idea. I talked to Entei in person, but it said nothing could

be done – the power of our zone disabled it to bring back what had already been

abducted. And then I made the big mistake. I thought, Oh, all right. After all, Ash couldn’t

get lucky every time.

I was wrong. Ash was a powerhouse. No matter how much we changed Molly to try and

stop him and his friends, he got around the mansion and rescued his mom.”

P paused, and made a face. Then it started again:

“Aww, it made me sick to see how much he loved his mother. But I didn’t feel a bit sorry

for THAT guy who thought he was so good when he wasn’t. Life isn’t fair, I guess. I

summoned Entei again, this time to fight Ash and his Pikachu. I thought for sure it was a

win. Then that other fire pokemon, Charizard, showed up, and my hopes sank to the pit of

Mount Chimney when Molly commanded Entei to stop fighting Charizard and just make

peace.


And by the time it all ended, the story was on TV – on PNN and on the silver screen. I

mean, we were kind enough to send Spence back to his daughter and what did THEY give

us? Publicity. Just what we needed. And so we had no choice but to move back to the

Cave of Boredom, and continue with our boring Unown lives.


Some of us thought that publicity wasn’t such a bad thing. After all, it would give

consciousness of our presence. Or would it?” P paused, leaving an air of suspense.



“NO, IT DOESN’T,” it yelled angrily. “Because you know what happened a few years later?

Our Cave of Origin was destroyed as well, without anyone givin’ a s*** about US, the

Unowns, the original pokemon.

All because someone wanted a renewing of the city of Sootopolis. One day we found our

cave in ruins, all pieces of rubble. We looked up and saw the metropolis, the mall, and

Mcdonalds. And we knew that it was finally time for them to pay.”
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Last edited by Shiny Loser; 05-05-2007 at 06:56 AM.
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  #17  
Old 04-25-2007, 12:15 PM
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Default Re: Back to the Crystal Fortress - The Unowns Return (PG...?)

Chapter 12: Plan

C interrupted. “Uh, P… the Restoring?”

“Oh right,” said P. “Restoring.”

“Us Unowns have had a long history of existence, even before those events I’ve just

mentioned. We have influenced certain aspects of nature. And that leads to the Restoring.

The Cave of Origin was destroyed. But with only one object, one that was compatible, we

could bring it back. And so, the Restoring.

The Restorer is an aspect of nature. A rather common one, in fact. You see it every day,

especially in Sootopolis. It’s a berry. A berry that was connected to our existence. To my

knowledge, there are only 2 in all of the Pokemon regions – very rare. With that item, the

Cave of Origin could be restored, and that’s why you are here, to return that item to us.”

“How can you be sure that we have it?” asked Wallace, who was released from the spell.

He sounded, though, as if he already knew what it was.

“Over here,” shouted Brendan. He was holding the Uno berry. “Take it and leave. Take it

and return us.” Wallace shot him a who-said-you-could-give-it-without-my-permission

look, but didn’t say anything.

P hovered away from Haley, and stopped in front of the berry.

“Ah. Success,” it whispered under its breath.

“So…” said Y. “Let them go now?”

“No,” said P. The Unowns stared.

“I’m afraid I have other plans. Remember the ‘time for them to pay’ part? Well, it’s time.

You humans have bothered us long enough.”


***
“You can’t keep us in here!” shouted Brendan. The two guys were both inside cells.

“I can, if I try,” said Y airily. “You know what we are capable of, and we can’t risk you

going back to Hoenn blabbering.”

“Dammit, this is human rights issues!” shouted Wallace. Ignoring him, P floated away.

This is it, he thought. I’m dying here. No joke.

“Don’t be stupid,” said Brendan who didn’t sound too hopeful. “You’re not going to die

here.”

They sat in silence.

“And we’re not,” said Wallace. “Because I’ve just got a plan. No s***, a plan.”


After leaving, Y suddenly felt uneasy about leaving them there. Maybe I should have

some supervision over them. “T!” it shouted. “Go into the cell room and keep an eye on

the guys.”

10 minutes later…

Listen, Brendan, I’ve got a plan, thought Wallace. All you have to do is play along. Which means, basically nothing.

“Sure, do it,” said Brendan. “I assume it involves your –”

Shhhhh, thought Wallace.

“Right.”


Wallace concentrated and fixed his mind on T, who was floating around aimlessly and

looking terribly bored.

Hey there, Unown, he thought.

T blinked. Did it just hear an exclusive-to-Unown mindvoice calling it an UNOWN?

Yeah, you did, thought Wallace.

T turned slowly around, to find Wallace staring at it, hard. For a moment it was too

shocked to speak.


Whaddya want? it thought, finally.

See, T? Now I have the power originally exclusive to you. How I got it, I have no idea. But do you see what could happen if I got out of this place? I could give you publicity again. I could give other people this power. Then you wouldn’t be too special, would you?

Uhhh… T thought. You’re right, but why would we let you out?

I was the one sent to get the hostages, thought Wallace. So if I don’t go back a

few days later, they’ll send people in here. And destroy the whole lot of you. Want that to

happen?


Uhhh…. No, don’t want that to happen. But then what do we do?

Here’s the plan. You give me a tracking device, and send me back there. You’ll know if I try to give out your identity. Oh, by the way, my little partner knows about this, so you’d better do the same thing with him.

There was an anxious silence in their minds.

Well, thought T finally, I’ll ask P. It left the cell.

“Dude, how dya make it leave?” asked Brendan incredibly.

“That’s not the point,” said Wallace. “The point is that they let us go with the tracking

device. Then we’ll try and figure out what to do with the tracking device.”

“You think they’ll be that stupid? We’ll throw them in the trash like, immediately!”

“Well, that Unown just left to ask P, their boss, for its comments. I can see that they’re

quite stupid.”

They shut up immediately as T came back in.

“Good news,” thought T to Wallace. “P wants to speak with you.”


With those words, the world suddenly became dark as night. Ending just as quickly as it

had come, the two guys were now in front of a yellow door. Opening it, they found

themselves in a large room, which was not blue like all the other rooms but strangely the

same color as the door. The same thing was now in both their minds – confusion.


***
T stood outside the door. What could be that important to talk about? It suddenly got a

temptation to…

“Guys, come over here,” it whispered to the Unowns in the hallway. “Let’s listen.”


***

But a voice broke into the confusion.

“What you waiting for? Come in.”

It was P and the translating apparatus, speaking from the far end of the room.

The two guys walked, apprehensively, to the Unown in the chair.

“So,” said P. “I heard from T that we have a problem.”

“Yup,” said Wallace. “I’ve got the mindvoice thing, and you won’t want to let me out. But if

you don’t, the people of Hoenn will break into here and destroy this place. So what’s your

plan?”

P laughed, a cold chuckle.

“Yes, I’ve heard all about it. You being one of us. I must say, it’s quite a dilemma.”

“So. Can you just tell us where the exit is?” asked Brendan impatiently. “Just give us the

tracking device and tell us how to get out of here.”

“Ah, yes. The exit. But I’m afraid,” said P, “that it’s not quite useful. Even if you get back,

you can’t do anything.”

“Huh? Why?” asked Wallace.

“Because,” said P, “I’ve frozen the region of Hoenn. Everything. People and Pokemon. So

even if you go out, it won’t be much use.”
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  #18  
Old 04-29-2007, 06:44 AM
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Default Re: Back to the Crystal Fortress - The Unowns Return (PG...?)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shiny Loser View Post
Chapter 10: Truth Unveiled? Almost.

(Author’s note: That I can’t understand. I know Wallace has blue hair, but doesn’t Brendan have white hair? Which is more interesting, blue or white?)
Who would you look at more on a train?Blue is definitely more interesting.
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  #19  
Old 05-04-2007, 03:40 PM
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Default Re: Back to the Crystal Fortress - The Unowns Return (PG...?)

Chapter 13: Truth

There was silence, more silence than any period of time in the whole line of events.

Finally Brendan broke the silence, though very slowly. “What?” he said incredibly.

“I froze the whole place, guys,” said P almost casually. “The remaining people left in

Hoenn have gone to hell.”

“How…” Wallace said. “How could you… do that???”

“Since the whole place is frozen,” said P, ignoring Wallace, “I might as well get out of here

now, loot the whole region, and go live in that newly discovered area – what’s it’s name,

oh right, Sinnoh – as my human form.”


Wallace and Brendan stared in disbelief and shock.

“You see,” said P, “I figured it was time to tell you the truth.” And with a burst of red light,

P transformed into its human form.


“My name is Prodigy,” he said. His voice was smooth and liquid – liquid as in it sounds

more sinister than it should have been. “I’m considerably the oldest human of the

Unowns.” Which was right – he looked about 20, whereas all the others seemed to be in

the range of 14 to 16 years.

“Anyway, I decided to tell you two the truth, instead of the others. In truth, I’ve been

planning this for a long, long time. Just waiting for the right moment to launch my plan.

And it has worked just as I’ve planned.

You see, all the Unowns have been helping me in this scheme unconsciously. When you

humans destroyed our Cave, I couldn’t care less. However, I brought up the Restoring

and Y thought of the plan of the crystal fortress – without knowing that it was secretly

helping me. I kept pretending, throughout this event, to be the kind one who tried to

make the best of everything. In the end, it was always to my advantage.


The problem was Y. It kept getting into everything I was doing. I had a feeling somehow it

knew what I was up to. But I fixed that easily – I brought up the plan of the human forms,

and gave Y the form of Yvonne – that ensured that it would never bother me again, I

mean if it had common sense. Later in the plan, however, I could tell that my ambition

was slowly coming into the light, as I was controlling nearly everything instead of Y, the

usual boss. And so I decided to tell you two the plan before the others worked it out. Anyway, I must be going now, to loot the place, and move on to Sinnoh. But before that,

I’m afraid no one else may know the secret we share.” Prodigy turned off the light with a

click of his finger. “I’ll do my best to make this death painless for you two,” he said

quietly.

Both of the guys could not see anything in the darkness of the room – but they were

feeling the energy slowly seep out of them, slowly… slowly… but it was not completely

painless. There was a sharp, clear headache sensation, painfully forcing the thought out of

their brains, ever so slowly…


Suddenly the room filled with light, and consciousness entered the guys once more. What

woke them up even more, though, was a voice that sounded familiar…


“STOP THAT!” yelled Yvonne from the doorway.

Prodigy slowly turned to the door. “Dammit,” he muttered.

“You unbelievable freak!” shouted a red-haired boy who looked obviously younger. As the

guys looked on, more and more humans were lined outside the door.


“Aw, dammit, T, you blabbered,” said Prodigy impatiently.


“You lied to us,” said Yvonne angrily. “You’ve been manipulating us all the time.”

“You don’t give a crap about us,” shouted the red-haired boy.

“And you made us kill people,” shouted Allen, the third from the line.


As the guys looked on, a mob rushed in the doorway, right at Prodigy.


“You all lack common sense,” said Prodigy coolly. “I can easily turn you back into Unowns.

Watch,” he said. With another click of his fingers, the whole mob suddenly transformed

back into measly Unowns. But what Prodigy forgot himself was that he was also an

Unown – and so inevitably, with another flash of red light, he returned to his original form.


“Haha!” Brendan said happily, swinging a punch at P – his fist stopped in midair as P

created a temporary shield in front of it.

“Unowns still have powers, mate,” it said. “Just not physical power.” With one glare of its

eye, Brendan felt his knees weakening once more, and fell to the ground, clasping his

head.

Suddenly, something more than sympathy struck through Wallace’s mind. And this time

he didn’t try to deny what it was – true friendship. Almost instinctively, he reached out

from behind the shield, grabbed P – and snapped it in half.


In an instant, the crystal tower seemed to collapse and swirl out of sight, and for a

moment all of them were suspended in a semi-existant, alternate space we will probably

never know about.


Then, the guys and the Unowns, now back in human form, crashed onto a wide, grassy

meadow. For a second, there was a swift silence of confusion. Then Wallace broke the

silence.

“Well, that’s one letter off the alphabet.”

“Don’t worry,” said the red-haired young boy. “It’ll be back. Unowns never die.”

“The crystal fortress was created by the will of P,” explained Yvonne. “That’s why it just

vanished.”


Wallace sat in silence. Then in a burst of intuition, he asked, “Hey, Yvonne. Care to… hang

out with me some time? Like, in Hoenn. You can come to visit, and I’ll show you around.”

Yvonne was tacken aback by the question, but somehow she found herself saying, “Sure,

I don’t mind,” and found that she did not regret it in any way.


“Then why are we still in human form?” asked Allen.

“Well…” said Yvonne. “I guess it’s etched into us now.”

“No, it’s not,” said Brendan. “I know why. This keeps it all together.” And reaching into his

bag, he pulled out the Uno berry – their trophy of their success glinting in the sun.

****
Half a year later…

Wallace and Yvonne were sitting in the secret study inside Wallace’s gym, kissing. Then

suddenly two people wearing Team Rocket uniforms burst through the door…


__________________

And that's the end of this fic. The last part is an intro to my next fic, "Butch and CAssidy - A New Beginning". If you liked this fic, I'm sure you'd like that one too!

REviews plz!
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  #20  
Old 06-01-2007, 09:21 AM
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Default Re: Back to the Crystal Fortress - The Unowns Return (PG...?)

Can anyone tell me if I'm not allowed to bump this?
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Old 06-03-2007, 07:06 AM
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Default Re: Back to the Crystal Fortress - The Unowns Return (PG...?)

I do believe this is worthy of a review...
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Old 06-03-2007, 09:44 AM
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Default Re: Back to the Crystal Fortress - The Unowns Return (PG...?)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shiny Loser View Post
I do believe this is worthy of a review...
Wow cool fic I like it a lot, though just make the chapters a bit longer.
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  #23  
Old 06-05-2007, 10:20 AM
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Default Re: Back to the Crystal Fortress - The Unowns Return (PG...?)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pokeboy sarab View Post
Wow cool fic I like it a lot, though just make the chapters a bit longer.
:D Thanks Sarab, now i just need more reviews..
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  #24  
Old 07-10-2007, 01:24 AM
sk8rdratini Offline
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Default Back to the Crystal Fortress - The Unowns Return (PG...?)

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Originally Posted by Shiny Loser View Post
Remember Pokemon 3: The Movie? This fic is supposed to be a sequel.

Summary: A mysterious force has been kidnapping and abducting the people of Hoenn. Wallace, the Sootopolis gym leader, is sent to try and retreive the hostages. On the way, he meets Brendan, an immature boy of 12 years, and together they venture into the labyrinth of the Unowns. What do the Unowns have in store for them? Read the fic.

EDIT: I know it's bad in the beginning, but trust me, it gets better!


Prologue: Review on the third pokemon movie

What were the odds? thought prof. Birch. How could it be that 2 people vanished off thin air in Oldale and 2 people in

Mossdeep, with no traces at all? It had, after all, been investigated for 2 months and returned nothing. How could it be that a

few years ago, perhaps five or more, the same thing had happened? What had happened last time was completely insane, he

thought. In the Johto region, a professor had been held hostage by some weird force, and her daughter, for a time, had

severely missed her single father.


Then, something still uncomprehendable to Birch happened- the girl, according to news, had been given a world of her own by

a new father, strangely not human, but pokemon. This pokemon obtained a mother for the little girl Molly. By coincidence or

careful planning, the pokemon picked the all-famous kid Ash Ketchum from the Kanto region's mother, Delia. In an attempt to

save his mother, Ash had wound up, with his friends, into Molly's world. The imaginary world was destroyed.

What had caused that episode? Prof. Birch was still thinking when a nauseous feeling came over him. He looked up at the

ceiling just before he passed out; justin time to see a circle, a vague ring of black objects, circling round and round him,

stealing his consiousness...


Chapter One: New Sootopolis

Wallace stared at the towering mall in front of him. He looked through the automatic doors and the shop-loving people inside.

He turned around and looked out at the skyscraper-ed city that used to be Sootopolis. A wave of mixed feelings splashed

through Wallace. He realised he liked the old Sootopolis better.


Five months before, Wallace had suggested a change in Sootopolis. He had visited the urbane Celadon city, and when he came

back, he had mentioned it to the mayor's berry planting daughter Kiri, incidentally his crush, and the construction began

before he could object. The girls in his gym left and he was stuck with old people to train with, and the Greece-like city was

torn down and replaced with skyscrapers. Wallace had never expected this.

"But I guess I'm gonna have to live with it," he said to no one in particular. He picked up a glinting item that had caught his attention. "Hm.. Half an eyeglass... this looks exactly like the mayor's.."

Chaper One and a Half: Abductions and Phenomenoms
"Mom, my pokedex isn't working!" Brendan frantically tapped at the beeping machine. He went downstairs. Brendan's mom

was watching the news. "Electronic devices, excluding TV, have been disabled in Littleroot, Oldale, and Petalburg due to

strange ultrasonic force fields hovering over the area. It is likely that the force fields will spread over hoenn in the next few

days. Also, more people have disappeared and halves of items were discovered scattered around Hoenn. With so many

strange events happening, it is hard to tell if any are related to each other." Mom turned off the TV. "Ask Birch to fix it for

you," she said. "Good idea, i'l come back after lunch," said brendan.


The professor's room was empty. The helpers had somehow left without Birch seeimg them. Birch himself was, of course,

gone. Brendan walked to Birch's desk and wrote a note that said: "Could you fix my dex? It's kinda got a problem. Thx."

Taking out his cell, he phoned up his date, Lass Haley.

"Hey sweety," grinned Brendan.

"I thought it was a morning date. It's 12 o'clock!" Haley obviously wasn't as pleased.

"Sorry, that's why I got us a kool restaurant! It's in the sootopolis mall, pretty far, but you have a Flying, right?"

"Does zigzagoon fly?"

"Nope."

"Darned! Zigzagoon's an HM slave! Why can't he learn fly?"

"He doesn't have wings."

"Alright. i guess i have a taillow in my PC."

"Good."

They arrived at Sootopolis Mall.

"Sootopolis has changed so much since I last came here!" Brendan said. "This must be the most modern city ever!"

They went into the restaurant, McDonalds. The first to open in the pokemon world, Mcdonalds was freaking with people. Brendan had booked seats, so there was no problem for them. They sat down.

The date was not going well. There was no mistaking, to Haley, that Brendan was not her type. She told brendan she was going to the bathroom, thinking surely she can get out.

Running through the huge mall, she looked for an exit. After a short while, she really had to go to the bathroom, so she went.

Washing hands after she finished, she looked down, down into the sink, swirling... was it just her, or was the world really

swirling? Head aching, she looked up to the ceiling to find the air around her swirling with black objects. She collapsed to the

floor, then disappeared, as the objects headed on to the berry garden...
Hay SL I like your idea, It also needs lots of KABooms and lots of teamrocket stupidy. But Yeah ra return of the unown would bee good and a cave with a river too. And somthing that glows in the dark too! I cant think of big plot turns or anything, But little things that i think will make it good, witch pokemon are u thining of staring in it
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  #25  
Old 07-10-2007, 08:28 AM
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Default Re: Back to the Crystal Fortress - The Unowns Return (PG...?)

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Originally Posted by sk8rdratini View Post
Hay SL I like your idea, It also needs lots of KABooms and lots of teamrocket stupidy. But Yeah ra return of the unown would bee good and a cave with a river too. And somthing that glows in the dark too! I cant think of big plot turns or anything, But little things that i think will make it good, witch pokemon are u thining of staring in it
Lol. Thanks for the advice, but I'm kind of finished already. You could read through the thing and see if it's as good as your idea. :D
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  #26  
Old 07-13-2007, 08:57 PM
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Default Re: Back to the Crystal Fortress - The Unowns Return (PG...?)

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Lol. Thanks for the advice, but I'm kind of finished already. You could read through the thing and see if it's as good as your idea. :D
It was quite intresting. Although I didn't like how you made Brendan some punk kid.
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  #27  
Old 07-14-2007, 09:05 AM
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Default Re: Back to the Crystal Fortress - The Unowns Return (PG...?)

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Originally Posted by Volkner View Post
It was quite intresting. Although I didn't like how you made Brendan some punk kid.
I guess you could call that my style of writing. I always like tweak Anime people's characteristics a little bit - for example, Ash is an insecure rich kid in my 3rd fic, Possessed.
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  #28  
Old 07-20-2007, 06:43 PM
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Default Re: Back to the Crystal Fortress - The Unowns Return (PG...?)

Your style of writing is quite refreshing and different.
The story is great and the characters are well developed.
Maybe just a teeny-tiny bit more description as far as the landscape goes, but other than that it really looks good. I could go on for a while about why this story deserves at least a 9/10, but I'm too lazy.

~Charbok
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Old 09-02-2007, 04:14 AM
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Default Re: Back to the Crystal Fortress - The Unowns Return (PG...?)

I know it’s kind of weird, but I think I will review each chapter separately so that I will not forget anything and it will be a lot less confusing for me:

First of all, i have to say that i havent seen pokemon 3, so i might've been a little confused here ^^

Prologue:
I found this a bit confusing with Ash’s mom and the mysterious pokemon and all… I did however like how at the very end of it a strange pokemon [an unknown] drops down on the Professor and then it ends… I thought that was pretty cool.

Chapter 1- 1 ˝
On the news it says that all electronic devices do not work and that includes Pokedexs, yet when Brendan gets the Lab, his cell phone works, that kinda didn’t make sense…. Also, I found it a bit funny that people are freaking out and making reservations for McDonald’s, l0l but you covered up by saying that it was the 1st to open there.

There were two main things that I had a problem with here. The 1st was that you say “the Pokemon World”… do the inhabitants of the world know that there is a regular world like ours, or is that just for commentary? The 2nd thing was the thing with the HM slave. I had always found that to be slang for the game and don’t really think it should be used in fanfics, but then again, this isn’t my story so you can do whatever you want. Finally, I am BIG on detail and I found it a bit lacking here, but maybe you will work it out in later chapters [I know it is completed and everything so, I’ll just look ^^]

The story line is pretty interesting thus far…. Kudos on that!

Chapter 2-3:

This was very confusing….
I noticed you used the word pwn and seeing that in a fanfic made me lmao! The battle was very strange, you could have elaborated on how the pokemon and attacks looked, but I did like how the Zigzagoon beat the Milotic. Remember DETAIL, DETAIL, DETAIL!

Chapter 4:
L0l how did Brendan’s mom know that the professor had been abducted the second she walked in?

I think it is getting better, I like how Brendan and Wallace are working together, YAY! FRIENDSHIP!
You are good with comedy; that is probably your strongest point….
Detail is improving, nice job!

Chapter 5-6-7:
Sorry to bunch it all up ^^
I LOVE the unknowns, they are my fav. Characters…
It’s pretty cool how you incorporate all of them in to have their own personality….

Chapter 8:
Very much longer than the other chapters, good job in that department….. each chapter in getting better and better!

Chapter 9:
AHHHHH!!! Big confrontation!
I like how Y turned into an attractive young girl, that was pretty interesting…. And just for the record = Cradily is NOT cute! Gross it is sooo ugly l0l

Chapter 10:
One thing that I don’t like is all the bad swearing, there is so much of it that it kinda distracts from the actual story

Chapter 11-13:
Great Conclusion!

Now time for the overall review!
Detail improved a lot throughout the story, though I still felt that it could have been done a bit better….. but *kudos*
Storyline was amazing! Such a great idea!
I fell in love with each and every character…. They kinda grew on me…. Even the bad guys ^^
YAY!
Now off to “Butch and Cassidy”!
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  #30  
Old 09-02-2007, 01:58 PM
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Default Re: Back to the Crystal Fortress - The Unowns Return (PG...?)

OMG! Thank you so much for the very well detailed review! Seriously. This was very valuable! I couldn't believe my storyline was actually convincing to anyone!

And about the first three chapters, I wrote them when I was a super-duper n00b. That's why they're so short, so stupid, and so confusing. :D When Sceptile Frost criticised it, I quit writing for a while (see how nooby I was?) and then from March 2007 continued it again. And perhaps that's why you felt the detail improved throughout the story. :D

The story revolves around the events happening between Wallace, Brendan and the Unowns, so naturally I had to make the Unowns stand out in each and every way ^^

Anyway, thanks so much!
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