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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 09-13-2006, 11:47 PM
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Default Chiaki, Saphira, and the Pidgey

(I'm bad with names. >< Anyway, my first attempt. Let's see how it goes.)

---

"Yes!" The piercing noise rang through the forest, alerting many of its inhabitants. Pokemon all around instantly scurried into niches or jumped into the air, trying to escape whatever it was that had made that awful noise.

Chiaki Ishii squealed excitedly. She did a strange kind of skip, where she whirled around in the air, electric blue hair billowing behind her.

"Pinch!" Came the indignant reply of the strange blue creature that walked next to her. It resembled a giant bug of some kind, with an enormous head fitted with massive jaws, and little beady eyes. It had four stubbly legs protruding from its body, each positioned under a stripe of light purple on a casing that covered its back. The rest of the creature was completely a sapphire blue.

The girl bent over and faced the creature, which was about as big as a small dog. They both walked along a simple dirt path. A forest, mostly oaks and ashes, resided on one side of the pair, while a long, empty plain full of tall green grass began at the other side.

"Sorry, Saphira," she said with a sheepish grin. "I'm just so excited." She stood straight once more, gazing up into the endless expanse of blue sky with clenched fists, her eyes blazing. "Just you wait! We'll be the best team in the world and defeat anyone that stands in our way!" The Trapinch gave a snort and rolled her eyes.

The girl that was her trainer stood 4'10'', average height for an eleven year old. Her bright blue hair was about shoulder length, her eyes a deep, warm brown. The clothes she wore were usually a variety of cool colors that complimented her hair; she currently had on a lavender jacket over a lime green tee, with dark blue shorts. She was an aspiring trainer, just having obtained her starter. It was a strangely colored Trapinch, that was for sure, but neither seemed to mind or care all that much.

Thoughtfully, the girl took an empty pokeball from her pocket.

"Well, I've got you," she said, sounding less excited and more thoughtful, "but when will we add another to our team? I mean, having a well-balanced team is one of the major parts of being a trainer, right? Even those who have a specific type they battle with, like the Elite Four, have a bunch of dual types to round out their weaknesses, right?" Saphira seemed uninterested with her trainer's babbling, and instead began to chew on the dirt. It was a habit of Trapinch, apparently. After all, what else could those chompers be made for?

"Are you listening to me, Saphira?"

"Chomp chomp chomp..." Chiaki sighed heavily, her head drooping to one side. That is, until a flutter of wings attracted her attention. Both trainer and Pokemon looked up. There, in the middle of the road, was a Pidgey.

It was a little bigger than Saphira, with rather short wings with feathers a mixture of a yellowy-off white and a light, orangey brown. Its back and the back of its head, as well as its tail feathers, sported the same shade of brown, while its fluffy belly feathers were the lighter of the two. Two thick yellowy eyebrows sat above bored round eyes, and it clacked its dark pink beak with agitation. Shifting on its talons of the same color, one eye darted to the side, surveying human and Pokemon. Then, with a soft call, it was in the air once more, flying away.

"Oh!" Chiaki cried, snapping out of her immobility at the site of her first wild Pokemon. "C'mon, Saphira, let's battle it!" She ran forward, her Trapinch waddling back and forth to try to catch up. Finally, the Pidgey lighted upon a tree branch, looking down at them curiously.

"Alright, Saphira!" Chiaki said when her Pokemon finally caught up. "Let's start off the battle with Sand Attack!" Gasping for a moment, Saphira finally got her breath back and scooped up a mouthful of the grit on the road. Then she shook her head, mouth open, and the dirt was flying in the air, obscuring the Pidgey's view.

"Puh-dgey!" It called in distress, fluttering away from the branch before using a quick Gust to blow the sand away. Saphira ducked her head and held her ground as the wind blew past, and Chiaki covered her eyes. When it stopped, they looked up.

"Okay, now Bite!" Chiaki called. Snapping her oversized jaws, Saphira leapt at the Pidgey. She barely had enough momentum to attack its tail feathers, seeing as her legs weren't very powerful, and certainly weren't made for jumping.

She continued to jump, trying to attack the Pidgey, who had easily flown out of reach. Chiaki gritted her teeth. Ground types were no match for flying types, that was evident. Still, Chiaki didn't have any more Pokemon. All she could do was hope.

Meanwhile, the Pidgey had jumped to the offensive, darting down and tackling Saphira. The Trapinch scurried around, trying to escape the relentless beak and talons of the bird Pokemon. Finally, she began to dig furiously. Then, Chiaki thought of something.

"Wait until it dives!" She yelled. "Jump out of the way at the last moment and latch on to its leg!" Saphira nodded in understanding, but, obviously, the Pidgey had heard, too. It decided to hold back and use Gust.

"Dig!" Chiaki screamed over the wind. Scraping sounds came from the area of Saphira, and the Pidgey stopped its attack just as she disappeared underground. The Pidgey blinked in confusion and landed next to the newly dug hole, pecking around it. More dirt was thrown up behind it, and Saphira pounced, hitting the Pidgey's back with her large head. It was sent rolling.

Finally climbing to its feet, the Pidgey flapped its wings to take to the air once more. Saphira managed to latch on to one leg as it jumped. Its tiny wings couldn't hold the extra weight, and down it went. It hit its head with a loud 'thump', where it laid, panting with exaustion. Chiaki, hoping it was the right time, grabbed her empty pokeball from her pocket, enlargened it, and gently tossed it. Red light enveloped the little Pidgey, sucking it inside. The ball fell to the ground, and began to twitch. Chiaki and Saphira both looked on nervously.

(*crosses fingers*)
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  #2  
Old 09-14-2006, 12:09 AM
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Default Re: Chiaki, Saphira, and the Pidgey

I'm sorry for the wait. My parents are rude.

Story: Well, it's fairly typical. However, your writing style and character description actually made it a fun read. While rarer Pokemon will need a bigger plot to be successful captures, I feel that this was enough for something like a Pidgey. This is actually a pretty good first story.

In the future, you may want to flesh out stories more by providing more description and a longer battle. Just a thought.

Spelling/Grammar: Not too many mistakes, although I saw some comma confusion. There was also one tiny mistake that you might want to watch out for next time ...

Quote:
Thoughtfully, the girl took an empty pokeball from her pocket.
Items like 'Pokeball' should actually be capitalized. The same goes for Pokemon names and attacks. ^_^

Quote:
They both walked along a simple dirt path. A forest, mostly oaks and ashes, resided on one side of the pair, while a long, empty plain full of tall green grass began at the other side.
The second line should actually be 'A forest, mostly oaks and ashes, resided on one side of the pair while a long, empty plain full of tall green grass began at the other side.' Comma placement doesn't kill your story or anything, but it's always tricky.

There are no real errors, otherwise. Give yourself a pat on the back.

Detail: Also decent for such a short story. I felt as though there could have been more (a bit of a backstory behind Chiaki and her Trapinch, perhaps), but you managed to give me a clear picture of what Chiaki, the Pokemon and the forest looked like. If you are able to let the reader paint a picture in their head of what is happening, then you know you've done a good job.

Giving Saphira a personality and creating likable characters such as Chiaki is also a plus. I loved reading this, and I do hope that your future stories are just like this and then some.

Length: Pidgey is really common, so this is just fine.

Battle: I liked it, despite the fact it was a bit short. Your descriptions are good (Saphira snapped her oversize jaws), and a Pidgey doesn't really stand much of a chance against a Trapinch, so I feel it was fair. The Tackle and Gust were done particuarly well. I noticed one thing, though ... I don't think Dig would be able to affect a flyer like Pidgey.

Outcome: Pidgey Captured! I feel that is a nice first story, despite the few flaws. Have fun with the little bird.
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Last edited by Seawolf; 09-14-2006 at 05:36 PM.
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  #3  
Old 09-15-2006, 10:01 PM
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Default Re: Chiaki, Saphira, and the Pidgey

(Thank you very much! I'm already starting my next one, and it should be a lot longer than this. It'll have more of a plot, too, and I'll try to put in more background information on the characters. They'll be different ones, though.)

The ball wobbled back and forth several times, before finally stopping. Chiaki squealed with excitement, running forward to pick it up and scooping up Saphira in the process.

"We did it!" She yelled, dancing around in circles. "We did it, Saphira! We caught our first Pokemon!"

(Also, about the dig attack... Usually, no, it wouldn't have. But, the Pidgey was on the ground and not at all expecting the attack, so I figured it was okay. I'm glad you liked it!)
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  #4  
Old 12-19-2007, 03:48 PM
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Cool Re: Chiaki, Saphira, and the Pidgey

yeah, this was pretty good.
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  #5  
Old 12-19-2007, 09:51 PM
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Default Re: Chiaki, Saphira, and the Pidgey

Quote:
Originally Posted by Michelle8936 View Post
yeah, this was pretty good.
Please don't post in other people's stories. Only graders and whoever is writing the story should post. However, if you want to comment on a story, you can either go to the URPG Stories Feedback thread, or simply PM the person. We do this so that the stories are neat and easy to read. Don't be shy about telling others what you think, though- everyone likes a little positive feedback. Just make sure you do it the right way.

And thanks, I'm glad you liked it. ^^
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