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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 09-24-2006, 09:57 AM
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Default Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Draconic Galaxy


.:: POKEMON MYSTERY DUNGEON: DRACONIC GALAXY ::.
- A Mystery Dungeon fic by Kayden -

Table of Contents:
Chapter One:
The Awakening - 9/24/06

**~+++~**
Comments appreciated, and I do admit, that being my first time with First-Person, I kind of slacked off on description, because I didn't feel like that would be good for this POV or not. So please, comments and constructive critism is encouraged and much appreciated.

And now, without further ado, is Mystery Dungeon: Draconic Galaxy!
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  #2  
Old 09-24-2006, 10:00 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Draconic Galaxy

Chapter One:
The Awakening


I sighed as I twirled my hand in the small puddle. I’m a Charmander, I thought solemnly. Though my actual transformation had happened the previous morning, I still could not take into grasp the fact that I was now two individual beings. Who am I? I questioned inaudibly. Why was I put onto this Earth? To have to suffer the agonizing insanity of being a human girl for fourteen years, then suddenly be turned into a puny lizard?

I took a deep breath, then yawned. I looked at my claws. So... different. I picked up a nearby stick, stuck the twig into the puddle, and started twirling it in the water. It’s amazing, I pondered. That water can change into a form so incredibly different, yet it still bears the matter from the original liquidity. I paused in my mind as I realized something. Like me. I may not have the same appearance as my human form, yet I am still borne from that same soul.

I smiled forcefully. That was when I heard the screech. “Sand...” a shrew-like creature appeared on the small grassy plantation. Its back prickled with muddy-brown spikes. Its glittering black eyes stared at me thoughtfully. I pushed on my hind legs and lifted my self into my standing position. I looked at what I knew to be a Sandslash.

“What do you want?” I inquired irritably. I was quite angered by this interruption in my meditation, and I certainly was in no mood to battle. Sandslash only grunted, and kicked a load of mud at me. The viscosity of the watery Earth struck me with the full force of a crashing tidal wave. Pain flooded my body. I screamed in agony. But why...

I blinked as I gritted my teeth against the cephalalgia as I realized why. The Sandslash had used Mud Slap, a Ground-Type move. And I was a Fire-Type Charmander. No wonder! Ground moves are super-effective against Pokemon like me. Yet in all of my years as a Trainer, I had never known the power of an attack; I knew not if they caused agony or if the Pokemon would just shrug it off and resume the fight.

Now I knew as the pain ran through my veins, seeming to freeze my bloodstream; my limbs prickled with heat. I collapsed under my weight. I tried to get back on my feet, but to no avail; that attack had simply done too much damage, though, I being a Level 5 Pokemon, I honestly was not surprised.

The trespasser Sandslash prepared to fire another chockful of mud when I realized I was done for. Fourteen years, and my life has already reached its end. I winced as I readied myself for the blow. Then there was a screech, the sound of splattering mud, and a cry of pain. I slowly opened one eye. In front of me was a green gecko-type Pokemon; a Treecko. Her body was bruised. She however did manage to stand up, teeth gritted, and threw a bounty of razor-sharp leaves at the Sandslash. He cried out, but did not seem to be too winded.

Treecko prepared herself for another Razor Leaf. But then the Sandslash uttered a few incomprehensible words, went to all four legs, and ran off.

My savior turned to me. “Hi,” she greeted warmly. “Are you okay? Are you hurt?” She sounded nice enough, that was for certain, but I didn’t want to take my chances. I knew from my experience in school that friends can backstab you about as fast as they start to seem kindly.

She blinked, her yellow eyes gazing into my sapphire ones. “Are you hurt?” She repeated. My body was throbbing madly with the blow of the Mud Slap, but I can’t trust this Treecko, not yet. I had always been very cautious of my privacy, and I was absolutely NOT going to let my guard down. “No,” I lied. “I’m fine. What’s your name?”

The Treecko mild-mannerly replied. “My name is Syinia, but I am content with Sy.” Sy chuckled softly. “Now may I inquire as to your name?”

Meh. She was trustworthy. I didn’t know for sure, yet I did. It was something about the slight brrr in her voice, and the odd sparkle in her eyes...

And before I knew it, I was spilling out all of my personal details. “My name’s Kayden,” I tried to smile affectionately, but it ended up as a sort of cross between a frown and gasp.

Sy lent me a verde hand. I accepted it, and she pulled me up and out of the puddle. I ran my hands over my orange scales, taking care to sweep off all the mud. I don’t care if I’m not a teenage girl anymore, looks are still a very high priority to me. I shook my tail. The flame atop the tip shimmered against the afternoon sky.

I briefly closed my eyes, yawned nosily, and stretched my arms. The muscles lost their tension as I flexed them. Sy then ran to a nearby bush hurriedly. What is she doing? She grabbed one of the pink, rosy berries off of the leaves of the foliage and sprinted, on all fours, back to me. She handed the tiny pink specks over.

“It’s Oran,” she explained. “It will up your HP a bit.” I took the berries out of her green palm. I looked at them appallingly. They really did not look all that appetizing. Oh, for a pizza... As I thought that, I swear I could sniff the cheese, the sweet, peppery scent of the pepperoni, and the warm, crispy crust. My brain swirled with delight as the flavors danced in my head. I licked my lips. But these things? I once again grimaced as I looked at the stupid berries.

“Go on,” Sy beckoned encouragingly. “Eat them.” I reluctantly, yet obediently put the fruits in my mouth. The bitter taste stung my mouth and scorched my throat as I swallowed them. Almost an instant later, a huge rush of energy burst through me. For a few glorious moments, I felt as if I could live forever, running so gracfully that it appeared as gliding.

“So,” the Treecko broke my concentration on those great things. “How do you feel?” Her thick emerald tail waved in the breeze.

“Great,” I answered truthfully this time, and I wasn’t ashamed to admit it. Sy looked at me happily. “Good, because the D.G.T. has rescuing to do!”

I stared at her bewilderingly. “What the hell is the D.G.T?” And when I asked that, little did I know that Sy and I, along with a a few more allies were about to embark on a quest to save every Pokemon on Earth.
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  #3  
Old 09-24-2006, 12:52 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Draconic Galaxy

Great first chapter, you described everything well and I liked the character developments. The first few sentences were a little slow, but as soon as Sandslash appeared I really got into it. Can't wait to read more!
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Old 09-24-2006, 03:47 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Draconic Galaxy

Kayden wrote an MD fic!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Kayden Javlaíakín View Post
Chapter One:
The Awakening


I sighed as I twirled my hand in the small puddle. I’m a Charmander, I thought solemnly. Though my actual transformation had happened the previous morning, I still could not take into grasp the fact that I was now two individual beings. Who am I? I questioned inaudibly. Why was I put onto this Earth? To have to suffer the agonizing insanity of being a human girl for fourteen years, then suddenly be turned into a puny lizard?
Hm... interesting choice, starting AFTER the transformation. I actually like it, though the beginning seemed a little unusual. But, it works pretty well. I like the way the voice you portray the character so far.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kayden Javlaíakín View Post
I took a deep breath, then yawned. I looked at my claws. So... different. I picked up a nearby stick, stuck the twig into the puddle, and started twirling it in the water. It’s amazing, I pondered. That water can change into a form so incredibly different, yet it still bears the matter from the original liquidity. I paused in my mind as I realized something. Like me. I may not have the same appearance as my human form, yet I am still borne from that same soul.
Good... very good. The water part seemed a little to theological, but it fits well with the voice of your character.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kayden Javlaíakín View Post
I smiled forcefully. That was when I heard the screech. “Sand...” a shrew-like creature appeared on the small grassy plantation. Its back prickled with muddy-brown spikes. Its glittering black eyes stared at me thoughtfully. I pushed on my hind legs and lifted my self into my standing position. I looked at what I knew to be a Sandslash.
Good description of the Sandshlash.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kayden Javlaíakín View Post
“What do you want?” I inquired irritably. I was quite angered by this interruption in my meditation, and I certainly was in no mood to battle. Sandslash only grunted, and kicked a load of mud at me. The viscosity of the watery Earth struck me with the full force of a crashing tidal wave. Pain flooded my body. I screamed in agony. But why...
Earth shouldn't be capitalized, right?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kayden Javlaíakín View Post
I blinked as I gritted my teeth against the cephalalgia as I realized why. The Sandslash had used Mud Slap, a Ground-Type move. And I was a Fire-Type Charmander. No wonder! Ground moves are super-effective against Pokemon like me. Yet in all of my years as a Trainer, I had never known the power of an attack; I knew not if they caused agony or if the Pokemon would just shrug it off and resume the fight.
So the pain was only to the head, or are you just referring to the pain that is in the head. Also, the two 'as' in the first sentence quoted are jarring. Maybe 'and' instead of 'as I' because that seems better.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kayden Javlaíakín View Post
Now I knew as the pain ran through my veins, seeming to freeze my bloodstream; my limbs prickled with heat. I collapsed under my weight. I tried to get back on my feet, but to no avail; that attack had simply done too much damage, though, I being a Level 5 Pokemon, I honestly was not surprised.
Hm... the two I's seem to be a bit jarring. You might want to move the first in front of the comma and get rid of the second, maybe. Also, levels... I'm not sure about those. But go for it. I'm sure you'll make it fit in well...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kayden Javlaíakín View Post
The trespasser Sandslash prepared to fire another chockful of mud when I realized I was done for. Fourteen years, and my life has already reached its end. I winced as I readied myself for the blow. Then there was a screech, the sound of splattering mud, and a cry of pain. I slowly opened one eye. In front of me was a green gecko-type Pokemon; a Treecko. Her body was bruised. She however did manage to stand up, teeth gritted, and threw a bounty of razor-sharp leaves at the Sandslash. He cried out, but did not seem to be too winded.
'Chockful' needs two l's. I don't thick 'a Treecko' should be after a semi-colon, right? Maybe a colon or a dash?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kayden Javlaíakín View Post
She blinked, her yellow eyes gazing into my sapphire ones. “Are you hurt?” She repeated.
She should be capitalized, as she is repeating "Are you hurt"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kayden Javlaíakín View Post
My body was throbbing madly with the blow of the Mud Slap, but I can’t trust this Treecko, not yet.
Can't should be couldn't because the rest of this is past tense.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kayden Javlaíakín View Post
I briefly closed my eyes, yawned nosily, and stretched my arms.
Nosily should be noisily, correct?


Hmm... I like it. The descriptions, as usual are awesome, vivid, yet flowing. And, while the start was a little awkward, the whole chapter has a great flow. I think you mispelled a few things here and there, and maybe a couple of times your tenses were mixed up. But other than that, it was great. Keep it up, Kayden.
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  #5  
Old 09-24-2006, 05:33 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Draconic Galaxy

Thank you both for the great reviews. I'm happy to hear that you still think my description is good, even though I slacked off quite a bit on physical means to focus on the character's emotions.

Anywhoo, Chapter Two is about 20% complete, so expect that. And no, I'm NOT going to give up on this fic like I did Nefarious Serendipity... -.-
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Old 09-24-2006, 05:54 PM
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this is a good fic. i really like how you put the description into the pain of mud-slap. And kayden's mistrust.
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  #7  
Old 09-24-2006, 06:19 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Draconic Galaxy

Thanks, autism! ^^
Yeah, I'm very cautious in real life, and I exerted some of that persona into Kayden's character. And the water thing was actually random. While I was writing this, I remembered a quote by some dude about how flexible water is, and how intricately laced it is, and that's where I got the idea for that sentence from.

Not even a whole day, and I already have like 7 replies... O_o;
I feel so privilaged. ^___^
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Old 09-24-2006, 10:55 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Draconic Galaxy

I am newer to the boards, but I remember looking up your work one day. I noticed, that a lot of them were not complete...all I want to say is...I hope you don't give up this one, because it is an interesting story .

I like the personality of Kayden (very similar to you I bet) and the chapter taking place the morning after the awakening. It was indeed an interesting approach to a story. I, too, am making a MD fic. I also like this, because when I read your other fics, you seemed to put description for the sake of length or description (no offence meant).

I hope to read more,
Oz Ranger
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Old 09-25-2006, 12:32 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Draconic Galaxy

Quote:
Originally Posted by Oz Ranger View Post
I also like this, because when I read your other fics, you seemed to put description for the sake of length or description (no offence meant).
None taken. Thanks for your input, Oz Ranger. :)
*gives cookie*
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Old 09-25-2006, 02:30 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Draconic Galaxy

Hey Kayden! ^^

Okay, first off, you are getting better on emotional description. Congrats on that! ^^ Yeah, now you are getting a little bit better on having the reader know how the characters felt. For instance, this quote:

Quote:
I took a deep breath, then yawned. I looked at my claws. So... different. I picked up a nearby stick, stuck the twig into the puddle, and started twirling it in the water. It’s amazing, I pondered. That water can change into a form so incredibly different, yet it still bears the matter from the original liquidity. I paused in my mind as I realized something. Like me. I may not have the same appearance as my human form, yet I am still borne from that same soul.
Yeah, in this sentence, we know that the Charmander felt at first weird about changing from a Pokemon to a human, but then she was happy because she’s still the same person.

Still, there were a couple of things that came a little uneasy for me. First, liked Orange Flaffy said, your vocabulary. There were a couple of words that I am not sure what they mean. For instance, :

Quote:
[I blinked as I gritted my teeth against the cephalalgia as I realized why. The Sandslash had used Mud Slap, a Ground-Type move.
In that sentence, I am not sure what a cephalaligia means. Yeah, probably use a simpler word.

Another thing, you used a couple of game terms. For instance, you put “Level 5” and “HP”.

Quote:
. I tried to get back on my feet, but to no avail; that attack had simply done too much damage, though, I being a Level 5 Pokemon, I honestly was not surprised.
Quote:
“It will up your HP a bit.”
Eh, too me, using certain game terms liked HP in a fan fiction to me seems a little weird. I always thought if Pokemon were in real life, the trainer would not say “Oh now, Charmander lost 15 HP.” I don’t know. Probably try to come up with better ways to explain what level a Pokemon is and such. For instance, you can say “It will up your energy a bit” instead of “It will up you HP a bit.

With that aside, I will say I quite liked this first chapter. It was nice how Kayden’s character was developed in the story. For instance, you put how she likes to appear very beautiful. Also, physical and surrounding description (is that what you call it O.o) is good to, as always.

Well, can’t wait for the next chapter! Hope you will continue with this story. ^^

Also, sorry if this review is a little off. Got a lot of college stuff to do. ^^;
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  #11  
Old 09-25-2006, 09:47 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Draconic Galaxy

Thanks for that marvelous review, Bay! ^__^
*jumps around in a circle screaming like Tarzan*

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bay
In that sentence, I am not sure what a cephalaligia means. Yeah, probably use a simpler word, Kayden.
Cephalaligia: ceph·al·al·gia (sf-llj, -j-) noun. Pain in the head; a headache.

Anywhoo, Chap. 2 is about halfway done, so expect it sometime within the next few days.
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Old 09-26-2006, 03:38 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Draconic Galaxy

Definitely a nice opening chapter, Kayden seems much more reflective as a character with deep thoughts and emotions in this story than the usual protagonists I’ve seen. It’s a nice touch, a new angle, and a new outlook. Good work with getting quite a nice foundation for a main character down like that.

Also, I agree with the others, I wouldn’t use the terms “HP” and “Level” either. I know the game itself may use them, but then again, there are bounds that the game falls into that a fan fiction can and will overcome. Don’t feel bound to using those terms, that’s all. Instead of “It will up your HP a bit,” just use “It will make you feel better.” Also, instead of “though, I being a Level 5 Pokemon, I honestly was not surprised,” try “though, I still being totally inexperienced to this kind of thing, I was honestly not surprised.” It sounds less like a game and more like a story.

Other than that, nicely done. I like seeing another quality MD story.
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Old 09-26-2006, 11:08 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Draconic Galaxy

Thanks for that great review, Neo! And I promise I'll review your MD fic soon. :)
*throws Pikachu cookie*

About the whole "using HP in a fic" deal, I hadn't really thought that much about using a different word, so I'm glad everyone's brought that subject up so far. ^__^

Oh, also, if any of you would like to be portrayed as a character in my fic, please don't hesitate to ask me! Just PM me with what you want your name to be and what Pokemon you'd like to be written as, and I'll add you to my little character list-thingy. Also if you don't like how your character was written, please, PLEASE tell me. I don't want anyone's feelings hurt.

Just remember though PM me with the information, don't post in this thread, please! ^___^
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Old 09-26-2006, 11:49 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Draconic Galaxy

I've actually never read an MD fic before, nor have I played the game, so I really wasn't sure what to expect. Boy, was a stunned.

Not only does the idea make for a good plot, but your characters are interesting, and your descriptions are great. Other than the whole 'HP/ Level 5' thing, it seemed really good. I hope to see more soon.

Note: Ha, half my username is in the title. ^^
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Old 09-27-2006, 12:08 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Draconic Galaxy

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kayden Javlaíakín View Post
Thanks for that marvelous review, Bay! ^__^
*jumps around in a circle screaming like Tarzan*


Cephalaligia: ceph·al·al·gia (sf-llj, -j-) noun. Pain in the head; a headache.

Anywhoo, Chap. 2 is about halfway done, so expect it sometime within the next few days.
Why not just call it a headache then? What use is using a long uncommon word to the story? I can see if your character is very very bookish but overall..It really speaks down to the reader. Some of the best classic authors use simple words and are able to make their stories flow just as nicely, you really should try it.
All and all that is the one true weakness I see in your style in many of your fics, you really should consider it rather than just not replying to people that bring it up or though unspoken defining implying that those that don't understand are stupid and\or unread :P (Which I know you do mean to say :)...
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