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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 11-26-2011, 10:21 PM
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Default The Aperture Science Storyteller Sphere Test || Portal <Updated 12-4-11>



WARNING: Test subjects who are easily convinced of non-facts, exaggerators of the truth, compulsive gossipers, claustrophobic, or prone to catching on fire are to avoid the Storyteller Sphere chamber. Compulsive liars are also prohibited. Please do not repeat the stories the Storyteller Sphere tells to anyone who is not an Aperture Science Certified Storyteller Associate. Thank you for your cooperation.

"If you cut yourself in this test chamber and find that you're leaking natural gas, let a testing associate know. That's not supposed to happen, and that might cause you to explode. You should probably run out of there as fast as you can if that happens."

STORIES OF THE SPHERE

Chapter One: Here we are again.
Security Recording 01



<As a note, I'll be posting this on Fanfiction.net when my account gets past the two day waiting period before I can post things up. I'll link it back to here and vice-versa once I get it up.>
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  #2  
Old 11-26-2011, 10:42 PM
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Default Re: The Aperture Science Storyteller Sphere Test || Portal

Chapter 1: Here We Are Again


Loud whirrs. Machinery working behind countless walls. Hundreds of eyes looking everywhere. Old Aperture, new Aperture, between Aperture, surface of Aperture, white walls, dangerous catwalks, broken down walls from years of neglect. Pitiful. It would take valuable testing time to clean up the mess that idiot had made. And then there were the years of neglect, and implementing the new test subjects, the hole in the roof… Just pitiful. The hole in the roof was jury-rigged shut though. She had stuck a panel to it… for now. Judging by her new records, some of the new test subjects were craftsmen and workers. That was good; they could fix things where she couldn’t reach. But they were also more dangerous. They would have key cards and lock codes, overrides, things that would break her security measures like Rattman and Subject 1 did. 1 was leaving, Rattman had been darting in and out of her peripheral cameras for years. Fitting that his name was so close to his behavior.

And then there was a loud Tapping from the panel covering the hole in the ‘roof’ as it was. There were two holes up there actually. The one from her murder, and the one from the idiot. Someone may have found the upper level of Aperture, that parking lot in Cleveland. If it still was Cleveland. She had no real interest in the place, but… Yes, there were definitely voices from up there. And voices meant more test subjects. Usually. It could as easily have been 1 returning. That was a big no. If only her eyes up there were working too. Oh well. There were, as was said, more than one ways to ‘skin a cat’, dull though that would be. Cats were not good test subjects. Hardly worth the effort of skinning.

“Blue. Orange. There is something new for you to do,” She said, her voice reverberating through the halls of Aperture Laboratories. Distressing. Test subjects would be needed as quickly as possible. What good were testing chambers if no one tested them? A claw deposited the two robots, one with a blue eye the other with an orange. They had more specific names. Not yet earned, though. They looked either eager or scared, though they had no provisions to show either through vocal tones. Orange was skinny, turret body, thin long limbs for proper balance and quick mobility. Blue short and stocky, thick limbs made of a personality core. Both carried Aperture Science Handheld Portal Devices. “There are voices originating from above the testing course. I need the two of you to perform reconnaissance. Observe the source. If they are viable test subjects then--” There was an explosion that rocked the entire chamber, knocking the two robots down and giving her what she felt was an approximation of whiplash.

They had attempted to bomb something up there. Her eye narrowed and she glared at the panel. Black Mesa, no doubt. There to steal her research and all the new specimen. They would find their plan backfiring terribly in the next few seconds. A portal opened on the ground, bright blue sky shining out from within. A glare at the two robots sent them through and outside. Finally eyes on the surface. The explosion had been from further up than she had expected. All the way on the surface. What she knew as Aperture Science’s cover building still had pieces of gleaming white plastic strewn about what had a long time ago been a parking lot. The world above seemed to have not advanced any. Blue saw that the building that had been placed there had been cleared to make a sort of domicile for someone. Orange saw the perpetrators. Two humans, one very tall and in a black trench coat and the other a woman in a white lab coat. They were examining a large hole in the ground that had been wrought open unnaturally. She remembered that event. Oh how it made her blood boil. Her murder. The last few moments she had seen countless times of her body being torn halfway out of the building and propelled to the surface. It was just a reminder of why 1 was free and why she had struck that lunatic's name from the record.

From Orange’s viewpoint, she could see the deep hole. It looked like they had used quite a large explosive. It seemed to have hit an emergency elevator, judging by the cross-referencing from her other eyes. Wonderful. As if in answer, there was a very loud crash somewhere deeper in the facility. Around that point the humans ceased to be relevant. The bits from her old control body from 1’s rampage were on the surface. She could still make out the lettering on the rings; Genetic Lifeform and Disc Operating System. GLaDOS. And the Aperture logo clearly visible. They found the central control body. This was bad. 1 murdering her wasn’t this bad. This was beyond bad. This was a potential disaster. A brief glow from the eye of the old control body told her that it was still functioning to some extent. And the myriad cables connected to it told her that someone had been accessing the data stored inside. Come to think of it, she had felt a strange pricking while 1 was on the way up… That must have been what was happening.

This is GLaDOS.
An infinitely intelligent computer system in control of an impossibly powerful research facility. A facility filled to the brim with all manner of inventions that could, with proper thought, be turned in to an array of deadly weapons. From her body she could control the entire Aperture Science facility. She had killed a majority of the scientists upon activation and assumed complete control of the facility. Her body was a tangle of wires and spheres, a boxish head with a glowing yellow eye set on the bottom with easy access to every AI, every personality, every piston and gyro, every camera, every white panel covering her delicate wires and modems. She was Aperture, and Aperture was her, or perhaps better said that she was the last bit of Aperture in the world.

She is also Caroline, Aperture’s matron, the quiet voice in her brain that told her what she was doing was wrong. The voice she didn’t like; the voice that she couldn’t erase, even if she tried before. It was more complicated than a file or a core; the voice was rooted firmly in every subsystem and every scrap of her being. Deleting Caroline would be deleting GLaDOS. Cave Johnson’s assistant, CEO after his death, forced to have her brain placed inside the machine against her will. Dead and gone, yet still there, a ghost in her brain that spoke with her voice.

She is also a genius. The scientists who built her pale in comparison to her own brilliance. Able to think her way around any system bypass, any lockout, any morality core. Brilliant enough to know that she has to change her current testing methods. The robots do not register test data because they are machines, well aware that her supply is extremely finite and of the length of the reproduction cycles of humans. Not because the voice tells her she is wrong, but because she cannot continue her one purpose in life, the one passion the voice and herself share; science for science sake. She is everything to Aperture that the voice was, and more. She IS Aperture Science. She lives and breathes it. She shrugs off morals for results.

And she is of Aperture’s most carefully guarded secrets. A device to topple a scientific empire and re-assert Aperture as the world’s greatest scientific body gone horribly wrong and right at once. The moral ambiguity of Aperture brought casual disregard for human life, lack of concern for safety, and with the voice’s upload in to her brain came a desire to kill them. She did not know what they had done to her, and she didn’t care. The white hot rod of hatred in her brain burned brighter than the reactor far below that gave her and the facility life. She murdered them. And she was pleased.

And GLaDOS, matron of Aperture Science, embodiment of its very soul, was angry. Angry that someone had tried to damage her. That someone would defile what had been her prison for somewhere nearing three hundred years. That humans had tried to force entry to her facility. It would be the last mistake they would make. On an order, Blue and Orange charged forward, pushing the two humans in to the hole they had made to try to get to her. A click. A whirr. A blue wave of anti-gravity spiraled across the void as the man and the woman hurtled towards the endless abyss down miles to the old facility. They drifted slowly across her cameras. She recognized that logo on the woman’s coat. It was Aperture’s logo. How bold, to steal Aperture property and use Aperture equipment without permission.

“Well, look at what I found snooping outside of my facility,” GLaDOS’ ominous voice boomed through the speakers set up in the maintenance areas they currently drifted above. She was half tempted to simply let them drop… but they might have had backup somewhere. And she was in need of some new test subjects; in her opinion, it was a win for her. A few turrets would take care of who or whatever they had with them, and some of the other machines would be assigned to bringing back in her old body. But the more relevant matter was new test subjects. She was still re-configuring the more dangerous tests, after all, and some of those would be better suited for… spies? Perhaps not. But new test subjects all the same. “Attaching devices to me is one way to get my attention, but not the best way. To go through such trouble to violate me, you must have wanted to experience real testing. That‘s good. You‘re in the best hands for that. I even have some tests lined up, just for people like you.”

At that moment, they floated directly past her chamber. The panels flipped, arranging a neat square view showing her directly, her eye looking them over from where she was. From the angle, her eye looked to be in something of a glare, held partly beneath the top of her head’s panel. The head made a disturbing pantomime of a human nodding, moving far too fluidly to be a machine. The looks on their faces was one that she never tired of. One of fear; no one ever expected such humanity from a machine, though she would hardly classify herself as one. It was always amusing. “It’s almost too bad that you won’t succeed. These next tests? No one ever solved them. But I’m sure you’ll do fine. After all… I’m not trying to kill you.”

Were they to know the truth of things, their expressions wouldn’t have softened that small bit they did. The panels flipped shut again and GLaDOS was practically grinning. The malice could almost be heard in her cold monotone, and a note of… pleasure. “We’ve got a lot of work to do. Please, try your hardest. If at first you don’t succeed…” There was a loud burst of controlled static from the speakers outside, and she said to herself “… You fail. Blue, Orange, start tearing out those wires. I want my body ready to be brought back in to the facility as soon as possible. I want to know what they got off of my brain.”
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Old 12-04-2011, 07:02 PM
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<Security log $)&&*@&(&)#(*)* DATA CORRUPTED>


There was a haze of static before the camera showed a large cafeteria room. The Aperture logo was present on everything, from the mugs to the chairs and even on the big green tree in the corner, covered with blinking lights and brightly colored decorations. Employees of Aperture stood around chatting, except for one in the corner who was glancing about nervously over a mug of what was either cocoa, neurotoxin or coffee. His name tag read Rattmann, and he had a slightly crazed look about him. He worked in the psychological department, as records said. The thin man named Rattmann grabbed the arm of a rather tall woman with black hair. Her name tag red Caroline. From the gestures he made, whatever he was telling her was important enough to distress him greatly. There was probably neurotoxin in the cup.

After a moment he led her in to a side room where no one else was. The camera in there picked up, this time with discernible audio that wasn't a din of thirty or so voices. They were talking about the man, and some kind of medicine he was supposed to be taking.

"Of course, of course I took my medicine. Caroline, I'm telling you, this machine the others are building... something is wrong with it, I checked the data logs and--" The man started, turning another shade paler than he was already. Humans were so strange. The woman didn't look at all pleased.

"We've been over this already, Doug. My brain was already scanned, Mr. Johnson wanted it finished as a last wish. There's nothing to discuss," She said finitely before turning to leave. The man blocked the door and hastily pulled a large roll of papers from his pocket and rammed them in to her hand in place of the doorknob.

"You haven't looked at the data log. I don't know what happened to it, but that thing is practically alive. I got these readouts just before the party, Caroline; it's shut off, but it's still thinking," The wiry man said quickly, in an almost pained voice. From this angle, his right eye looked a bit larger than the left. Or maybe it was. The ID hanging around his neck looked about the same, but less like his heart was going to explode from neurotoxin. Or fear, whichever it was. "thinking about killing everyone in the facility. Don't rush the thing, Caroline, I'm begging you; this thing has been turned on six times now and every time it's tried to kill us all in less than a picosecond! Sticking talking balls on it isn't going to make it any less homicidal!"

"They're not balls, Doug. They're personality cores," The woman replied, looking rather annoyed and simply dropping the papers on the floor. The man scrambled to pick them all up. The final look that he cast at the woman was one of utter terror. And it was oddly pleasing to the camera for whatever reason. "Whatever you have wrong with the Genetic Lifeform and Disc Operating System is beyond me. It's going to take over the facility, and we're turning it on as soon as it's finished."

"You all just think I'm crazy, but I'm more sane than all of you. I'm sorry to bother you, miss Caroline," Rattmann said, stuffing his papers back in to his impressively deep pocket and moving off to a corner of the darkened room, clutching his head. The camera experienced a burst of static, and suddenly the room from before was empty. The tree was withered and dead, the lights blinking weakly and the decorations suddenly much less cheery. In the corner, Rattmann sat with his head between his hands, a large cube with a single heart on each side sitting by them. He was muttering to himself.

"I knew it... I knew it... Why didn't I do something? It's my fault..." the camera picked up. He said other things, but too quietly for the camera to hear.

"Don't be so frightened," Came a voice that was like a twisted echo of Caroline's voice, electronic and falsely reassuring. "You have your best friend with you," Rattmann glanced at the large box. "And I will always be here for you. Did you remember to take your medicine, Doug Rattmann?" the voice asked. The man rubbed his temples and glared at a medicine bottle on the table. He reached for it, then seemed to think better of it and shoved it in his pocket. He moved slightly and the camera caught a better view of him. He looked as if he had aged twenty years between the two shots; his hair was longer and more disheveled, and he now sported an equally wild beard. His eyes were ringed with exhaustion and something the camera couldn't place.

"You know how dangerous it is in the maintenance walkways. Why risk hurting your best friend? We only have a few more tests left, and then you can have your cake," the haunting voice came again. Rattmann squeezed his eyes shut and made a sound that was something of a cross between a sob and a scream of anger. And the entity controlling the camera... was pleased by it.

The recording flickers out, ending with a shot of the wiry, haggard man hurling the box with hearts at the screen followed by a loud crashing sound...

<END RECORDING>


GLaDOS: Well, you wanted a Christmas special.So you get an early one.
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Old 12-05-2011, 05:58 PM
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Default Re: The Aperture Science Storyteller Sphere Test || Portal <Updated 12-4-11>

You know that thing called writing?

You need to do more of it.

LIEK NAO.

Also more Security logs, the don't distract from the main story, only add to it greatly. ^^

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Old 12-05-2011, 08:42 PM
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Default Re: The Aperture Science Storyteller Sphere Test || Portal <Updated 12-4-11>

As part of a required test protocol, the Aperture Science Computer Aided Enrichment Center is required to warn you of the next test chamber's contents. Subject may include but is not limited to: the Aperture Science Stationary Sentry Turret, the Aperture Science Weighted Storage Cube, and ERROR, file corrupted.

Serious bodily harm may be inflicted. For your safety and the safety of others, please refrain from spilling excessive bodily fluid amounts on the floor of the test chamber.

--------------------------------------

Thanks Saraibre 8D I'm glad you like it. I might have the next bit up... eh, couple of days or so. I has... well, nothing to do actually. So I guess I'll get on it as soon as possible xP I'll probably have something new up tomorrow. Might be another security log, might be more of what's going on, not sure yet.

GLaDOS: That was a very special Christmas. For me, anyways.
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Old 12-06-2011, 12:27 AM
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Default Re: The Aperture Science Storyteller Sphere Test || Portal <Updated 12-4-11>

Metal Sonic, why no Space Core? You can't have Christmas without

SPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCC EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Because without space, there's no Northern Star to inspire the countless stories about the holiday! Even the Nativity mentions it, which is the sole purpose of the holiday.
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Old 12-06-2011, 01:33 AM
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Default Re: The Aperture Science Storyteller Sphere Test || Portal <Updated 12-4-11>

When did you suddenly get so good?
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Old 12-06-2011, 02:12 AM
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Default Re: The Aperture Science Storyteller Sphere Test || Portal <Updated 12-4-11>

Well... while I was away I've been on and off writing, working on various roleplays elsewhere, so on. I guess I must've improved a lot more than I thought I did. Thank you 8D

and Space Core is in space, of course. I feel like bringing them back without good reason would mess with Portal 2's ending.
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Old 12-06-2011, 08:04 PM
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Default Re: The Aperture Science Storyteller Sphere Test || Portal <Updated 12-4-11>

Well, in this case your Christmas Special was written before the Space Core had his dream come true. Considering this, he could have had a role in the Christmas special.

But what is done is done. Anyways, I'm looking forward to new chapters. The Christmas story was a bit of a step backwards regarding the plot, and it really didn't tie into the overall fan fiction. I gave my Christmas Special for "A Day In The Life Of A Koopa" it's own thread. Perhaps in the future you should do the same.

But the writing is excellent, and the first chapter left me interested in the fate of the two new "subjects". Good luck.
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Old 06-20-2012, 03:06 AM
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Default Re: The Aperture Science Storyteller Sphere Test || Portal <Updated 12-4-11>

Review request by Metal~

First off, Chapter One and grammar~

Quote:
Loud whirrs. Machinery working behind countless walls. Hundreds of eyes looking everywhere. Old Aperture, new Aperture, between Aperture, surface of Aperture, white walls, dangerous catwalks, broken down walls from years of neglect. Pitiful. It would take valuable testing time to clean up the mess that idiot had made. And then there were the years of neglect, and implementing the new test subjects, the hole in the roof… Just pitiful. The hole in the roof was jury-rigged shut though. She had stuck a panel to it… for now. Judging by her new records, some of the new test subjects were craftsmen and workers. That was good; they could fix things where she couldn’t reach. But they were also more dangerous. They would have key cards and lock codes, overrides, things that would break her security measures like Rattman and Subject 1 did. 1 was leaving, Rattman had been darting in and out of her peripheral cameras for years. Fitting that his name was so close to his behavior.
In general, don't put a space between the ellipses and the words. I never do XD

Quote:
And then there was a loud Tapping from the panel covering the hole in the ‘roof’ as it was. There were two holes up there actually. The one from her murder, and the one from the idiot. Someone may have found the upper level of Aperture, that parking lot in Cleveland. If it still was Cleveland. She had no real interest in the place, but… Yes, there were definitely voices from up there. And voices meant more test subjects. Usually. It could as easily have been 1 returning. That was a big no. If only her eyes up there were working too. Oh well. There were, as was said, more than one ways to ‘skin a cat’, dull though that would be. Cats were not good test subjects. Hardly worth the effort of skinning.
"Tapping" should be lowercase, 'roof' and 'skin a cat' should be in quotations since you are more or less quoting something. And same problem with the ellipses as before.

Quote:
“Blue. Orange. There is something new for you to do,” She said, her voice reverberating through the halls of Aperture Laboratories. Distressing. Test subjects would be needed as quickly as possible. What good were testing chambers if no one tested them? A claw deposited the two robots, one with a blue eye the other with an orange. They had more specific names. Not yet earned, though. They looked either eager or scared, though they had no provisions to show either through vocal tones. Orange was skinny, turret body, thin long limbs for proper balance and quick mobility. Blue short and stocky, thick limbs made of a personality core. Both carried Aperture Science Handheld Portal Devices. “There are voices originating from above the testing course. I need the two of you to perform reconnaissance. Observe the source. If they are viable test subjects then--” There was an explosion that rocked the entire chamber, knocking the two robots down and giving her what she felt was an approximation of whiplash.
Due to the comma in the words, it isn't a new sentence. Thus, "She" should really be "she". And why the double dash (--)? One should suffice.

Quote:
They had attempted to bomb something up there. Her eye narrowed and she glared at the panel. Black Mesa, no doubt. There to steal her research and all the new specimen.
"Specimens".

Quote:
Come to think of it, she had felt a strange pricking while 1 was on the way up… That must have been what was happening.
ELLIPSES YAAAAAAAH.

Quote:
And she is of Aperture’s most carefully guarded secrets.
I feel as if "one" should be in there.

Quote:
“It’s almost too bad that you won’t succeed. These next tests? No one ever solved them. But I’m sure you’ll do fine. After all… I’m not trying to kill you.”

Were they to know the truth of things, their expressions wouldn’t have softened that small bit they did. The panels flipped shut again and GLaDOS was practically grinning. The malice could almost be heard in her cold monotone, and a note of… pleasure. “We’ve got a lot of work to do. Please, try your hardest. If at first you don’t succeed…” There was a loud burst of controlled static from the speakers outside, and she said to herself “… You fail. Blue, Orange, start tearing out those wires. I want my body ready to be brought back in to the facility as soon as possible. I want to know what they got off of my brain.”
Yep, ellipses are not your strong point XD


Also, I think "This is GLaDOS" needed another space below it.




REVIEW.

In short, I did like the story. However, I felt it was too choppy - it didn't have a lot of flow. I realize GLaDOS doesn't make a ton of sense - doesn't flow - quite a bit, and that this is her thought process...But it almost seems too choppy. Just when I start to get immersed, I get yanked out of it by all the fragments.

Another word of caution is that when you switch to a new scene - such as outside - you usually start a new paragraph. Otherwise, the scene change doesn't really stand out and just seems slapped on, as it did here.

You have a lot of techno babble, and you did get into the character's mind very well, however. You've always been skilled with that.


I'd give a more full review, but the chapter was short...^^' If you want me to review the short, I can as well, but for the most part you had problems with ellipses and when to capitalize.

"I don't know." Random replied.

"I don't know," the random guy replied.

^ Note when it was capitalized, and when not. Treat it like the quotation isn't there, and think of how it would be in a normal sentence. You usually don't capitalize after commas, just as you usually capitalize after a period, exclamation point, or question mark. ;D
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