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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 01-31-2007, 10:07 PM
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Default Purifying Forest

Brent:An ordinary kid, about 5"2 tall, works for Professor Dominko at the abandoned lab. Has black pants with red on the sides and wheres a blue shirt.


Ratchet/Chris: Oh these villains are completely evil and just want to take your Pokemon.


Professor Dominko: Ah a wise man . He is loyal, quiet, and smart. He is probably the nicest man in the world once you have one conversation with him.

Giovanni: Ooh...... this man is all evil, no nice in this man, he will just boss and yell at you nonstop if you disobey his commands. He is the boss of ratchet and Chris. Giovanni is the boss of team Invincible and he's not alone, he has a base full with members.



For more info about my adventure, here is a story that will give you more idea of the story: The Enraged Elekid.
Please read Enraged Elekid in order to read this, so you have more idea on this one.



Purifying forest, Pokemon wanting to capture: Pidgey and Tailow, both!
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  #2  
Old 01-31-2007, 10:38 PM
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Default Re: Rock tunnel

Rock tunnel chapter 1: Tears of joy.



Walking slowly across the sandy dry road and every step I take, I'll always peak back to the abandoned lab of where I worked at.

Running up to me appeared Professor Dominko," Ah Brent, whats with the down face?"

I answered back," Oh I just missed the good old days when I was working at the lab."

"Don't feal bad my boy, c'mon let's head back home!" Professor Dominko whispered in a soft voice.

I was pacing back and forth and in moments after a few steps popped up a Ranger.

"Sorry, but this road is off limits due to several occasions!" Please take another way home!" Yelled from the ranger.

"Oh sorry, say what happened here though?" Answered Professor Dominko.

"Well there's been some rumors of sand pits and we don't want anymore accidents, okay." Replied the Ranger

Looking straight ahead with a sharp eye, I saw this spinning vortex that was sinking sand in a never ending pitch black hole at the end.

"Whoa?!" I whispered to myself stunned.

"Well Brent let's head back home another way, shall we." Asked Professor Dominko.

In moments we appeared in our town and I was thinking of what the vortex leaded to. Suddenly the T.V. popped on with breaking news saying "We just spotted a spinning vortex of sand that's headed our way!" Yelled the news reporter all stunned.

"Oh no! This can't be? Well I have to take cover for the raging storm" I answered myself.

I grabbed random equipment and laid them on top of me. In an hour came the raging spinning vortex that was spinning like crazy. I heard trembles and earthquakes approaching and everything was tilted...... Boom! A tree crushed my ceiling that left gaps of nothing there.

I was frightened and didn't know what to do, so I got up and dashed to the bathroom bath tub carrying my blue leather coach on top of my back.

I threw the coach in the tub, slid under it and was ready for the most extreme storm of my entire life. This moment was breath taking and in seconds the storm was on top of my house shattering windows, ripping the ceiling like a bag of chips, and the kitchen was falling apart like tipping over blocks.

This is a storm I never expected to be. In split seconds, I was floating in the air like I was in space, slid through peice of opening leading to the outside world, and was swirled by the storm.

I began to get dizzy by circling around like a pillow during a pillow fight. I couldn't move an inch and I was being boggled around the storm.

"Ah! Ah!" I yelled with fear.

The swirl of clay like sand grew weaker and weaker by the second and soon when it disappeared, it left the black hole on the ground wide open.
I was feeling a cold breeze while I was falling like a meteorite and soon the black hole swallowed me and I was falling in a seemed like never ending hole. I was screaming with terror and in seconds, I fainted........
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Old 02-01-2007, 10:00 PM
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Default Re: Rock tunnel

Rock tunnel Chapter 2: The flying vibrava



I was sucked in the never ending pitch black hole and fainted....... Moments I was being knocked on the head with something rough and smooth.


"What the? Hey it's a Vibrava! " I yelled in excitement.


I was studying the mysterious bug Pokemon and found some interesting details.

"Wow I never saw one of these. I wonder if they'll help me..." I questioned.

My voice echoed in the maze of darkness, I was so scared, I just followed the clan of Vibrava to safety.

Soon the buzzing ginormous bugs were out of my sight and I ended up going through a narrow path that took me into danger.

I bumped into a bumpy wall with a yellow peculiar glow that shaped into a figure that looked like an eye. It was some sort of riddle for me to solve, and I couldn't just stand here doing nothing.

I was studying and solving it, but hours later and no riddle solved yet, I was frightened and wished Professor Dominko were here.

I was leaning against the wall and something popped out. I walked carefully to it, push the lever and in seconds there were eruptions and the ground was shaking.

The Egyptian like door opened slowly and lead to another room where things get messy. I ran recklessly to the next spacious opened room where spikes shot out of the wall and flamethrowers were bursting out of the ceiling.

I stepped side to side, jumping and hopping, screaming and yelling. I tripped over a piece of gravel and slammed my stomach to the ground, with traps going off above me.

I tried to get up and once I sat my hand on a random square, the door on the other side of the room opened and revealed the next opening room.

I got to my knees and ran like a maniac. I stopped immediately, looked down, and saw a pitch black opening that left to nowhere, I was frightened and had nowhere to go through, but luckily I saw little ledges that may escort me to the next room.

I took my chin up, looking at the clay like ceiling walking carefully, but at the end, I tripped and fell, I hung my hands on the ledge, lifting myself up, and made it through.

There was another tale for me to solve, but it was risky. I paced around searching for anything mysterious, I then took my hand and swished it across the sandy brick wall to see, but no luck, Suddenly the door opened and there were spikes going off, I ducked myself to the ground safely.

I crawled through the dangerous room and entered back to a hallway. I got up slowly and paced through the halls. There were torches on, so I can see where I'm going.

It felt like I was going in circles but ended up in a dead end.

"Aw man, not another one of those riddles again." I said.

This time it took me twice as long and I was just begging for the door to reveal the next room. My knees sunk to the ground and the firm wall opened itself.

"Yes! Finally!" I said with happiness.

This room was beautiful and it just completely glowed into my eyes. There was a stream of water, bushes and trees, ropes and plants, and there were Vibrava, but no Trapinch.

"Wow this room is amazing and I wonder how to get out." I said questioning myself.

I looked above and there were ships above with leather ropes hanging, but I couldn't reach!

I begged the Vibrava to help and the agreed. I hung on to 4 of the clan and brought me up to the mysterious ship.

"Thank you Vibrava! Now time for me to investigate."

I climbed aboard on the ship and saw hundreds of Pokemon trapped behind bars.......
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Old 02-07-2007, 09:50 PM
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Default Re: Rock tunnel

Rock Tunnel Chapter 3: The Mysterious Ship




When I got up on my knees, I saw hundreds, maybe thousands of Pokemon trapped behind bars of steel.

"Who did this?! I better go find out." I questioned.

I took a couple of steps and suddenly the light turned off and it was pitch black, the alarm went off and sent hundreds of Invincible team members marching.

"Holt! Stay where you are! Wait a minute..... it's Brent?! The Pokemon trainer!" Yelled one of the members.

"Yes it's me all right, what have you done to these Pokemon?" I questioned.

"Well our boss Giovanni has captured Mewtwo, so we snagged all of these Pokemon and drain their powers to Mewtwo!" Answered back the guard.

"I demand you to release them at once!" I yelled with bravery.

"Okay then, so we have a battle, 2 vs 2, agree?"

"Sure, I'm ready for anything. Go Numel, use Flamethrower! I yelled. "Numel!"

"Okay... uh....... I send out my Bayleef! Use vine whip now!" Answered the guard.

The red bursting fire scorched out of Numels mouth and blasted a burn on Bayleef.

Bayleef used a vine whip. The vine popped out of Bayleef's back and whipped Numel that sent it flying to the wall.

"Okay Numel use another Famethrower! Finish it off!" I yelled.

The bursting flames shot out of the volcano like Pokemon's mouth and left Bayleef out of energy.

"Well you gave it your best shot Bayleef, return, go Crconaw! Use Hydro pump! Yelled from the guard.

"Dodge and use Earthquake Numel!"

Crocanaw blasted an enormous amount of water and poured it on Numel, leaving it out of energy.

"Return...... go Elekid! Use Thunder!" I demanded loudly.

"Quick Crocanaw, use slash, slice him up!" Yelled from the guard.

Elekid summoned a flash of lightning and place it onto Crocanaw, Crocanaw vanished for a moment and soon came in sight.

Crocanaw ran towards Elekid and sliced it up into pieces, elekid was in bad shape, but was able to stand for minutes.....

"Quick Crocanaw, finish it with your vicious slash attack!" Yelled the guard.

"Err.. quick, use Thunder punch, finish it off!" I demanded.

Elekid had amazing and astonishing speed and gathered energy for it's magnificent punch, moments it was ready, elekid ran towards crocanaw and gave it a good jab on the face. Crocanaw slammed against the wall dragging it's body to the ground, without energy......

"Return Crocanaw...... you did an excellent job....... I'm gonna go tell Giovanni!" Answered from the guard.

The guard dashed away and the alarm turned on leaving silence in the spacious room. I was standing there calm imagining what Giovanni would do if he sucked every last one of the Pokemon's energy.

"Well I can't just stand here, I have to hurry before time is out." I whispered to myself.

I bolted to the next room worrying, and saw this gigantic maze, It had Invincible members swarming everywhere across the room and I can't make a dead end, or it will be game over. I peeked through hiding under vases and desks dripping sweat until one of them found me.

"Hey your Brent aren't you???" Questioned one of the members.

"Uh.......uh......... yes I am, c'mon this isn't a good time now, I have to go." I replied back to the member.

"Wait just a minute young man, I want to have a battle with you before you can proceed, how about..... 2 vs 2, okay." Answered back one of the members."

"Okay then, go Elekid! Use Thunder!"

"Okay then go Dewgong! Use Ice beam!" Answered back one of the members.

Elekid was charging for energy the astonished all the members, out of nowhere, an enormous thunder storm passed my striking lightning on Dewgong, leaving scratches and a burn on dewgong. Dewgong was still standing with bits of energy left.

"Okay Dewgong use Blizzard!" Answered back one of the members.

"Err...... hurry Elekid, use Thunder bolt again! And finish it off!

Dewgong summoned a whirl of ice spinning around the battle Field, it scratched up Elekid, and sadly, Elekid was down....

"Okay then, return........ go Swampert! Use Earthquake, now!" I called.

Swampert bounced in the air and body slammed the ground, cracks were swarming everywhere and Dewgong was bouncing up and down like a bouncy ball.
Dewgong was down and left with no energy.....

"Err........ return Dewgong, go Rapidash, use Fire blast, koe him!" Replied back one of the members.

"Hurry Swampert, use Muddy water, koe it!" I demanded.

Rapidash blew a huge pile of fire and swung it back on Swampert, Swampert went flying and banged into a wall.

Swampert stood like he was a ninja and summoned a stream of mud, that washed Rapidash away.

"Err... return...... I'm gonna go to Giovanni!" Yelled from one of the members.

The member of team Invincible ran away leaving him crying, I was sweating all over and tip toed across the maze. I was glad that no one saw me and was able to get to the firm metal door safely.

I got up on my knees taking deep breaths, holding my hand tightly with all my might and opened the door, there across the empty room was Chris.....

"Well well well, if it isn't the low life Pre-teen Brent, I'm surprised to see you here, do you want to have a long nice battle with me?" Questioned Chris.

"Sure, I'd be glad to have one, let's say..... 2 vs 2?" I replied back.

"Sure I'd love to have one, be prepared as I shall summon my Pupitar, Use Rock slide!"

"Wow a Pokemon I'd never expected it to be, go Swampert, use Hydro pump!"

Pupitar hurled boulders from out of nowhere and made stacks on top of Swampert.

The sumo sized Pokemon blasted out a cannon of water that ko'ed Pupitar, and left the rock Pokemon down.

"Err...... return, go Roselia! Use Leaf storm!" Yelled Chris.

"Okay, return Swampert, go Numel! Use Flamethrower!" I replied back.

Roselia summoned a storm of leaves that left cuts on the volcano like Pokemon, but Numel still stood up.

Numel bursted out of nowhere flames of fire that burned Roselia and was ko'ed, leaving Roselia on the scrubbed ground acting like a dead plant.


"Ah! Return Roselia, Well Brent, your near the core of the ship and I'm gonna tell boss about everything from Scratch." Answered Chris.

Chris dashed out of nowhere leaving the room silent, empty, and dark. I stood towards the door, reached my hand to the metal knob, twisted it, and pulled. The scratched up door was open and across the room was Ratchet, the Co. leader of team Invincible working on the ultimate machine to power up Mewtwo.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't Brent long time no see." replied Ratchet.

I stood there cautiously staring at Ratchet...........
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Old 02-07-2007, 11:12 PM
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Default Re: Rock tunnel

Rock tunnel Chapter 4: The final battle





I entered to the next remaining room and there, Ratchet working on the machine to triple Mewtwo's stats, I was shocked and stood there with my mouth wide open.

"Well, well well, if it isn't the low life battler, Brent, long time no see, what are you doing here, this is Giovanni's ship and I can't let you mess everything up! Giovanni would kill me if I did." Yelled Racket in surprise.

"I can't let you do this, I shall stop you, how about a 2 vs 2 battle to settle the argument up, shall we?" I questioned.

" Sure then, little boy, Go Metang! Use psychic!

"Okay...... go Numel, use Flamethrower!" I replied back with confidence.

The floating rock summoned a psychic that lifted up my beast and flung it side to side slamming against walls and machines.

Numel was dizzy and walked around in circles, it took minutes for it to stay still.

Out of it's mouth approached raging fire that burst right in metangs face. Metang stood there not moving an inch and in split seconds it slammed to the ground like it was fainted.

"Okay Metang return. Go Meganium! Use Leaf storm! Finish it off!" Yelled Ratchet.

"Okay Numel Flamethrower again!"

Before I had a chance the raging Meganium summoned a storm of leaves that tilted Numel down fainted.

"Hahahaha! Beat that! Now how are you gonna beat me! Meganium use leaf storm again! And again! Mwahahaha! Answered Ratchet.

"Err....... Go Swampert, Use Earthquake to delt some damage."

Swampert leaped into the air and slammed it's body on the ground leaving huge cracks spreading across the room with Meganium bouncing up and down, the raging meganium still stood.

Meganium burst out of nowhere leaves swarming everywhere, but luckily Swampert stood remaining with bits of health left.

"Okay Swampert, use Ice beam, finish it off!" I yelled.

Swampert grew ice crystals in it's mouth and...... Whoosh! A big blast of ice bursting out of the sumo sized Pokemon's mouth and shot Meganium to the ground uncautious.

"Err....... Return......... well I'm gonna go to Giovanni and tell him everything." Replied Ratchet.

Ratchet blew away to Giovanni and near the door was a red stainless button that opens all the cages with the trapped Pokemon in.

"Yes! I was hoping for a button like this."

I poked the button and heard little noises of Pokemon cries, which told me that all Pokemon were out of the cages safely.

The walls on the other side opened which had an elevator standing in the middle of the opening that will take me to Giovanni.

I glided towards the elevator, got in, and pressed some random buttons, and stood there remaining quiet.

The elevator shot up like a rocket and it took minutes for it to get to the top.

"Okay..... okay...... I'm gonna do this..... I'm gonna do this....." I said to myself.

My heart was beating fast and I was sweating, moments when I go to the top, I saw everyone of the members of team Invincible standing next to Giovanni.

"Ah if it isn't Brent, I've been waiting for you." Replied Giovanni.

"Err....... I'm gonna stop you, how about we have a battle, 3 vs 3, okay?" I questioned.

"Okay then, first I send out my Persian. Use iron tail now!"

"Okay, go Swampert, use brick break to take more damage!" I demanded.

Persian jumped into the air, and swat it's tail of steel right against Swampert's head.

Swampert brought it's hand back and bursted it forward, Persian slammed against a random wall, but still stood.

"Okay Persian, use iron tail again! Make it a good one!"

"Quick Swampert use another Brick break to finish it off!" I demanded.

Persian's tail was metal and rough, Persian hopped into the air, and dashed down towards Swampert. The aggressive Persian's tail aimed at the body and Swampert was lying on the floor, but it soon got back up in minutes.

Swampert's hand had a odd feeling and swatted Persian with a clean punch, Persian rolled over on the ground for seconds and stopped...... it fainted.....

"Wow that was quick, go Rhydon! Use Earthquake!"

The raging rhinoceros jumped into the air and slammed it's stomach and let out a roaring quake that had cracks going through the ground and left Swampert flying in the air, but it remain standing.

"Okay Swampert use Muddy water!" I yelled.

A huge blast of mud shot out of Swamperts mouth and ko'ed Rhydon.

"What? Okay then, go Nidoking, use horn drill!" Yelled from Giovanni.

Nidoking jumped towards Swampert over and over getting struck by the poisonous horns and fainted.

"Okay then, go Numel! Use Earthquake! Finish him!" I yelled.

Numel leaped to the air, slammed it's stomach on the ground which summon cracks squirming around the ground knocking nidoking over, but still remained with some health left.

"Okay Nidoking, use Earthquake too!" Demanded Giovanni.

Nidoking hopped into the air and this time, it slammed against numel leaving it off with a big knockout.

"Return Numel......... go Elekid, use Thunder, finish it off!"

Elekid had enough energy to form this outstanding attack, Elekid jumped into the and let out a magnificent amount of electric that shocked both Nidoking and Giovanni. Nidoking was paralyzed and fainted...... Giovanni is defeated.....

"N-No......!!!!!!! Err...... ugh......" Giovanni yelled.

The ship was gonna blow up in minutes and after Giovanni's lost, I saw with my two brown eyes, a trapinch, standing there like stone waiting for me to capture it.

"Hey Trapinch! Do you wanna battle?!" I called to it.

The wild Trapinch just stood there and in minutes it accepted the battle.

"Okay then, go Elekid, use Thunder punch!" I demanded.

Elekid grew energy inside of him and charged towards trapinch and gave it a good jab, but it didn't effect it at all. Trapinch dug a deep hole and disappeared like lightning in a bottle. The hole seemed deep but trapinch was waiting for me to make my next move......

"Okay then, go Elekid, use reflect!" I yelled.

Elekid's defense was raised and may dodge the dig that Trapinch made. In split seconds, Trapinch popped out of the hole and knocked Elekid over. Elekid was low on energy and had only seconds to make a move.

"Quick Elekid, use Brick break and demolish it!" I screamed.

Elekid's yellow arm started to glow, elekid rushed towards Trapinch and took a big nice jab. Trapinch was lying there on the ground, but soon got up. Trapinch dug another hole, this was Elekids final move and it is game over for Elekid......

"Err........ Elekid, use Reflect!" I demanded.

Elekid's defense was raised like attaching a sheet of metal on him. Trapinch soared out of the hole and knocked elekid over against the wall, fainted........

"Hmm....... interesting, return Elekid........ go Numel, use flamethrower!" I yelled in a high pitched voice.

Numel's blew out scorching fire that was headed towards Trapinch. Trapinch was enraged and summoned a sandstorm. The sandstorm covered my eyes with sand and was unable to see.

"Ugh......... quickly Numel..... use..... Eruption!"

Trapinch gained power and was able to dodge the eruption easily, then used an ernomous beam that was sure powerful. This battle is brutal and difficult, but I have a chance to win. The raging beam of terror hit Numel and blasted through walls, Numel was in serene pain.

"Err......... numel.... don't give up....... use earthquake, now!" I yelled.

Numel leaped through the air and slammed the ground which caused an enormous quake of doom. Trapinch was merely knocked out, but the sandstorm helped it gracefully. Moments the sandstorm vanished and Trapinch used it's final attack, crunch. The mighty beasts mouth was wide open and gave numel a huge mark and was soon out of energy......

"Okay numel, return, go swampert!" Use muddy water! Finish it!" I demanded.

Swampert was a sumo sized pokemon and Trapinch didn't have a chance against this vicous beast. Swampert summoned a river of mud and splashed Trapinch out of energy. Trapinch rolled on the ground and remained still.......
I reached to my pocket for a pokeball, held it tightly and threw the rotating circuler ball in the air. It knocked Trapinch on the head, brough a red holographic flash and gulped it right in. The clear ball remained on the ground, it wiggled once......... twice...........
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Old 02-15-2007, 10:46 PM
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Default Re: Rock tunnel

Introduction: You tell us very little about your character in this. Even a sequel should have a little information about the character, even if it’s just their age, a tiny bit on their recent adventures, and their age would be nice, too.

Your story does, however, begin in an interesting place, which is nice. Action pulls the reader in. ^_^


Plot: A boy misses being at the lab, gets stuck in a storm where Vibrava rescue him, ends up in an odd trap, gets out of it into a ship, and sees a lot of captured Pokemon. A few team invincibles fight him, and then he catches a Trapinch on a ship in danger of blowing up.

Detail
: Your detail was good. ^_^ And made the length just long enough. Even in the battle, you took the time to state that one of the Pokemon was sumo sized, and another vicious, etc.

Grammar: This really hurt you. You need a spell check, and to check over your grammar a bit. The story was hard to read.

Battle: Your battle was alright. It was very back-and-forth, as if turn based, but not too bad. The lack of capitals, some punctuation, and a spelling and grammar check, however, made it hard to read!

Overall: Trapinch not captured. Run a spell check, glance over your grammar, and let me know and I’ll reevaluate this. The story and plot were good, but that really needs fixing.


EDIT:


Alright, you did work on fixing a lot of it. Trapinch Captured. Next time, however, please try to be more thorough. The battles were good, but seemed to be just attacking back and forth, and you could use a few more details here and there.

Last edited by FireflyK; 02-18-2007 at 02:42 AM.
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Old 02-18-2007, 08:19 PM
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Default Re: Rock tunnel

Okay i'll remember next story, which is gonna come soon, just gotta think of an idea first..............I know.......hehehehe..........
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Old 02-26-2007, 02:32 AM
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Default Re: Purifying Forest

Purifying Forest chapter 5: The sickness


The circular ball slammed shut leaving Trapinch trapped, I reached for the two faced ball and felt awesome. The ship was on fire, flames shooting out and random parts snapped off, I was a bit worried. I looked side to side for anything to keep me safe, but no luck. I held tight to my poke ball, dashed towards the opening, and jumped out with fear. My hair was flowing around in the air and no sight of the ground, all I can see are Pidgeys soaring through the air.

"Err.....What do I do?! what do I do?!" I panicked.

Moments I can see in sight my crippled up house that I was soon to land on. One of my Poke Balls slipped out of my belt and vanished.

"Aw man! That was probably my Electabuzz! No!" I yelled with nervousness.

My house soon grew bigger and bigger every second and then.......Boom! I laid flat on the ground fainted......

"W-What happened?" I questioned to myself. "W-Was this a dream?.... It can't be."

I soon then got up slowly resting my arm on my dresser that was still standing. I scanned my room and it looked normal, no scratches, dents, or any issues, I opened the door slowly to see the rest of my house.

"Whoa?! Everything is normal?!" I questioned.

I walked around each room about three times each astonished, I then went outside where it the happened.... people were pacing everywhere around the town, that was the time I soon then questioned. I glided through everyone to Professor Dominko's office.

"Hey, whats with the commotion here?" I said to a stranger.

"Well can't you see? Professor Dominko is sick and without him working, we won't have any money for food or water, even our bills!" The stranger answered.

I crawled through the crowd and saw Professor Dominko resting in bed, he looked pale and sick, I wanted to see what happened.

"Oh Brent, thank heavens it's you.... listen.....I have this odd disease that may kill me, I need you to find a certain medicine called Hernesia, it will heal me, please your are only hero, I'm begging you to go" Answered Professor Dominko in a scratchy voice.

"I will, and don't worry, the next time I come, I'll have the medicine right in my hands." I replied bravely.

"Here are some directions to get to the forest, oh, I forgot to tell you, but the forest is called "Purifying Forest" It has it, it may be long, but I hope you get back soon safely." Professor Dominko replied.

I bolted out the door, grabbed the directions out of my spacious bag and started the mission of searching for the medicine, minutes later, my missing Poke Ball was lying on the ground. I was stunned and stuffed it in my bag and scanned the list of places to go.

"Hm.....this seems long, but I have to get it, I promised." I said back to myself.

The first stop was going through this odd cave named "The sacred tomb" It first sound scary at first, but then I just started to ignore it. I crawled out of town and entered the suspicious cave and at first, I seemed to like it, solving mysterious puzzles, that's my thing. I went through narrow paths and dangerous traps that had seem to go off, In seconds there was an enormous ball of fire raging down the hallway, I ran as fast as I could, ahead was a closing door, I slid through the tiny opening and got out safely.

"Wow, that was short and creepy, but this next one seems to be long, it has a lot of mountains and peaks, so this may be a brutal mission." I said to myself nervously.

It seemed at first that I was trapped, it doesn't even look like I'm outside, it looks like I'm still in the tomb! I shredded the painting and seen darkness ahead. I tip toed my way through, I heard Zubats screeching, I just couldn't take the darkness.

"Go Electabuzz! Use flash to lighten up the place a little" I yelled.

The raging light bulb Pokemon summoned a flash that brightened up the place, I looked back and forth over and over and see nothing but dirt, sand, and Zubats flapping around like maniacs. Soon I saw an opening, an exit to freedom! Electabuzz and I dashed with excitement and soon went into another. Pokemon are probably the ones that are making the traps, but I was confused for a moment. There were 3 random doors with mysterious symbols on them, this was another puzzle for me to solve, it can either be a trap or freedom, I did inny Minny Miny Moe and no good.

"Eh, Electabuzz....what do you think? Should we go to the right, left or straight?" I questioned to Electabuzz.

Electabuzz punched out the answer with a thunder punch.

"Hey wait! I got a brilliant idea. Go Shuppet! Go through the doors and see which one is good for us to go through!" I demanded.

The see through Pokemon gulped through the 3 remaining doors, minutes later, Shuppet found the answer, it was left!

"Good job Shuppet, return!"

I opened the clay like door, every second I pull there seems to be light shifting off to the wall. I soon then jumped out like a maniac and then see what was next on the list.

"Well Electabuzz, you did great, return..... Well let's see.......Mt. Cleft eh? Seems rough, but I'm in for the mission!" I yelled out loud with confidence.

I then grabbed a juicy apple off a random tree for a snack, so I won't get famished later on, I shredded the apple leaving the core remained, I threw the apple on the ground and dashed through the sandy road to Mt. Cleft...........
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Old 02-26-2007, 11:23 PM
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Default Re: Purifying Forest

Purifying Forest Chapter 6: The cliff


Up ahead the sandy road, is the dangerous Mt. Cleft, storms, tsunamis, earthquakes, about all natural disasters occur here, you think it looks beautiful, but it's not, temperatures there reach to 110 degrees and can get cold at night. The mountain is full of many species of Pokemon, so hope I can get some experience there.... I looked up and saw black swirling clouds with raging thunderstorms, it looks like no one made it to the top, but it's the only way to get to the forest. There were a few caves, some were pitch black and some were odd, but creepy. Rocks were shattering into pieces leaving enormous gaps for me to go through.

"Oh great, how am I supposed to get through this?" I questioned.

I climbed my way through with all might, I tore down trees just to get across gaps and swam through lakes of poison, It felt horrible, but it was worth it, soon it was dawn and it started to poor heavily, actually it was so strong, a tornado had appear, maybe two, but it was strong. I was stunned and couldn't sleep for a minute, I packed everything, sleeping bag, poke balls, cloths and food back in my spacious bag and ran to shelter. Actually I was in a cave, it wasn't long, nor dark, but it was creepy. The tornado crushed practically everything, even the cave that I was just in, smashed into bits of gravel and bolts of lightning smeared off tons of boulders off it's spot and caused it to roll and soon get smashed. I was nervous, afraid if I was gonna live, I couldn't just stand here watching the storm, I had to get going. In minutes of shock, there was a cave, not just any ordinary, it was enormous, build so strong, even a tornado can't crush a piece of gravel off of it, I dashed my way, hopped through lakes and leaped over gaps, that was how terrified I was.

"I'm gonna make it, I think, well I'm close, so hope I make it safely!" I yelled out loud.

I jumped my way in the pitch black frightening cave, I just can't take the darkness any longer, so I had to get Electabuzz out.

"Go Electabuzz! Quick brighten up the place with your flash! I can't take it any longer!" I demanded with fear.

I threw the circular ball in the air, it spun like a tornado and shot out a flashing red light that shaped Electabuzz's shape and size. Electabuzz shot out a flash that brightened my eyes. There were narrow halls that I can barely squeeze in, it took Electabuzz hours to get himself out, but we managed to get out, There were tiles on the ground, I was thinking, there could be traps in here, well let's just see, I stepped on each tile about 3 times each and suddenly spikes shot out of the wall, I ducked and though, there are traps in here, well let's find out if there's more, I stood up and continued on, seeing as if that there are no any riddles, which was good, because it takes hours maybe days or even months to figure it out just to figure out one. I smeared my hands across the adobe like wall and felt this peculiar feeling that seems like another trap, but after a couple of smears, it was just vines. Moments the storm vanished and I got out the exact same time.

"Wow, perfect timing, I think I should have waited instead of proceeding through. Well it's bright out, so I won't need you for awhile Electabuzz, return." I answered.

I stepped through gunk that was actually a stream of mud shooting off of a random boulder, I was furious because I just got my cloths out of the cleaner which took a very long time, It was dark outside, about 1:00 a.m. now, I took a nap for awhile.........

"W-Where am I.....Professor Dominko.....is that you?" I asked.

"Brent......hurry.....it's getting worse......help me...." He said in a soft voice.

In minutes my dream was melting and he just said help me, I woke up with shocked and packed up quick. Today was a beautiful spectacular day, sun was up shining through and no sign of black clouds, just white puffy pillow like clouds. Today was easy for me because I only need to go through one cave before I reach the top of the mountainous cliff. I took a branch and made it into a long smooth stick so I would keep myself up when I get tired, minuted I was face to face with the cave, it seemed to be long, I can't even see the ending so I hope there's a lot of interesting riddles and traps for me to solve, I love investigating. The cave wasn't dark at all, heck it was as bright as a Pokemon using flash, this cave was just odd, it had rocks hanging off of walls and ground that feels like quick sand, wait I think it is! I was astonished of the sinking sand, my feet are sunk tight under the wet smooth sand!

It was brutal to get through the shallow cave, there were puddles of poison, seems like a Gulpin shot out poison it seems like it. I jumped over puddles, every now and then it seemed like it the puddles grew bigger every puddle! Now it was just a lake of poison, I had to swim in it, which was bad because I can end up like Professor Dominko, how he got sick. I soon then got to the end of the mysterious tunnel, my cloths had stains everywhere, I should brought spares but oh well, I had finally made it to the top, I soon then looked down, actually at the top, there was a little wagon that seemed like a way to get to the forest, I climbed in, and went down the mountain, it was like a roller coaster, except it was better, faster, and longer, my hair was all over the place, down below was the Purifying Forest.....

"Yes! I've made it to the forest! Now to get the medicine......" I yelled with excitement.

The ride was over and I was dizzy for a few minutes, this was the time to eat something before I enter, so I grabbed an apple off a tree and ate it leaving the core remaining, I threw the apple core on the ground and entered the forest........
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Old 02-27-2007, 03:02 AM
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Default Re: Purifying Forest

Purifying forest chapter 7: The medicine!


I entered the shallow yet damp forest, it had Yanma soaring everywhere like dragonflies dancing, there were Pidgey and Tailows pecking each other like their fighting over a girl, it had streams of pure fresh water, Remoraid and Octillerys swam like a dolphin, it seemed to be a perfect place for any species of Pokemon. All kinds of medicines, berries, potions, were here, just the place for me to get the medicine, Hernesia. The bad thing was, is that there's over 1,000,000 trees and only one contains the medicine! I glided through bushes and swung side to side by prickly vines to search, but no good, I saw new grown Oran berries, their common around the area, this forest can go on forever, I think the tree may be deep through this shallow forest. I climbed above trees with binoculars in my hand, I looked every possible direction, but in minutes, I saw this peculiar glow miles ahead that see me to be the medicine Hernesia, I glided through vines, plants and bushes, hopped over trees with excitement and in minutes of excitement, I was face to face with the tree. there seems to be a green glow coming from the odd tree, mushrooms sprouted from the ground, not just any ordinary mushrooms, they were about 10-15 ft tall!

"Wow these things are enormous! Hey, hm....... there's the medicine! Okay time to get my jar..... aha! Here it is! Now just to climb this tree." I whispered to myself like I was one of those guys on T.V.

I put the empty jar's lid in my mouth, the jar was hanging out, I climbed my way through branches and vines of torture to get to the top, moments I have reached the top, I sat down on a branch, opened the jar, squeezed the plant, and out came the medicine! It was surprising that I have the medicine, everyone back in town will think I'm a hero. I jumped backwards, doing a perfect back flip off the tree and landed safely.

"Yes I've finally got the medicine! This is my lucky day! Yes! Now just to set my watch to teleport back to town......." I whispered.

My watch had a strange blue holographic glow to it, every time I press on it, it teleports me back to town, it's one of the most important gadgets I need! I set the gadget to home, and in seconds there became an odd noise, the blue flash circled around me, until I turned holographic blue, then I disappeared and teleported back to town safely. I rushed to Professor Dominko's lab, with the crowd of famished people still complaining, I crawled my way through random people and once I popped out, Professor Dominko was astonished once he took a quick glance at me.

"I-I arrived with the medicine you needed..... woo I'm tired.....Does anyone have a bottle of water?" I asked all worn out.

A random stranger handed me a bottle of water and I gulped it down in seconds, I handed Professor Dominko the medicine, he took the cap off, took a sip of the medicine, and felt better than ever in seconds.

"Thanks a lot Brent! I feel good as new, now everyone can start working so they can get money for food and water, hey Brent, why is your watch making odd noises?" Professor Dominko questioned.

My watch was on fire in seconds, flames shot out and everything went terribly wrong, in seconds, the watch sent me back to the Purifying Forest, it was strange, because now I'm centuries, maybe even days from home, I was terrified, but in minutes , there came a Pidgey and a Tailow, just standing there making an odd face, thinking if I'm gonna battle both, I accepted the battle and I was ready since I first had my eyes on them.

"Okay, you wanna battle, let's have a double battle to make it interesting! Go Electabuzz and Trapinch, use Reflect and Rock Tomb!" I demanded.

I send both poke balls in the air, they both shot out red light that shaped the Pokemon that was inside the two faced ball. Electabuzz and Trapinch looked ready for a spectacular battle, so I am gonna give them it. Electabuzz summoned a mirror that raised both Electabuzz's and Trapinch's Sp Def, soon after Electabuzz's move, Trapinch summoned a boulder and sent it flying towards Pidgey, the boulder crushed the bird and slammed to the ground with bits of energy left in it, Tailow vanished into the air in a split second, Pidgey got back up damaged, took a quick scan on Electabuzz and pecked it nonstop, Electabuzz was injured and tripped itself over a piece of gravel.

"Quick Electabuzz, use Thunder punch, Trapinch, use Sandstorm!" I yelled with confidence.

Electabuzz's arm grew energy, lightning was absorbed into it's arm letting it have the right to use Thunder punch, in minutes, Electabuzz charged towards Pidgey and jabbed it with a magnificent punch! Trapinch summoned a raging Sandstorm that inflicted even more damage to poor little Pidgey and Tailow. Tailow came out of nowhere and swiped Electabuzz down, Pidgey was down on the ground out of energy and now Tailow is the only target left.

"Sweet! This is my chance! Electabuzz, use Flash so Tailow can't see and won't be able to attack, Trapinch, use Rock tomb and crush it like the little birdie it is!" I yelled being cocky.

Electabuzz brightened up the field with a flash, Tailow wasn't able to use an attack due to brightness, so this was Trapinch's chance, Trapinch summoned another boulder that fell right on Tailow. It was a critical hit because the rock smashed in pieces which indicates that it was critical, Tailow soon then fell aside Pidgey like two dead birds, it was my chance to capture both birds, I grabbed two random poke balls out of my pocket and threw them both in the air, Both bounced on both birds head and sent a beam of a red peculiar glow that gulped both Pokemon right in it, both poke balls wiggled, once.......twice.......and........
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Old 03-07-2007, 03:29 AM
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Default Re: Purifying Forest

Thanks for waiting. :)

Story/Plot: This was pretty good, actually. You obviously put a lot of thought into it. I like how you added a few legs to the adventure so it wasn’t just a “Boy goes to the forest to find medicine, then comes home” story. Unfortunately, the storyline was extremely choppy. You rushed into to things, leaving out important explanations and details. I found myself confused quite a few times as you changed scene rather swiftly. Instead of just rushing through the story, slow down a bit. Give description. Explain how Brent gets from one place to another. Also, I noticed that you gave no introduction at all here. I know it’s a continuation from your last story, but you always need to give some sort of intro whenever you attempt another Pokemon. Each time you start a new section for another capture, that is what a grader looks at, not the parts that have already been graded.

Grammar/Spelling: Your spelling was excellent. Nearly perfect, except that Tailow should be Taillow, and a few things should have been capitalized (poke ball is Poke Ball, and flash is Flash etc.). Your grammar, on the other hand, needs a lot of work. You have trouble keeping everything in the same tense, and the dialogue hurt you as well. Also, nearly everything you wrote was a run-on sentence. It appears that you do in fact have a Word program, but there are quite a few things that it can miss. Word helps writing stories big time, but you can’t always trust it, so I’ll try and give you as much help as I can.

Quote:
Originally Posted by You:
"I will, And don't worry, the next time I come, I'll have the medicine right in my hands." I replied bravely.
This is a very common mistake for many stories in URPG. Dialogue is a pesky thing to write. Whenever a character finishes speaking, the period at the end of the quote becomes a comma. This is because the following sentence cannot stand on its own.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Me :o :
"I will, and don't worry, the next time I come, I'll have the medicine right in my hands," I replied bravely.
Also, that “and” there should have been lower-cased, but I’m sure that’s a typo.

Alright, you had an enormous amount of run-on sentences. That means you kept the sentence going when it should have ended:

Quote:
Originally Posted by You ;_; :
My watch was on fire in seconds, flames shot out and everything went terribly wrong, in seconds, the watch sent me back to the Purifying Forest, it was strange, because now I'm centuries, maybe even days from home, I was terrified, but in minutes , there came a Pidgey and a Tailow, just standing there making an odd face, thinking if I'm gonna battle both, I accepted the battle and I was ready since I first had my eyes on them.
Ouch, that could easily be split into at least four or five sentences. So much happened there, and you just crammed it all together by throwing in a few commas. Also, I was able to understand what you were trying to say, but centuries and days is a measure of time, not distance. Days could be kept there, but you’d need to change centuries to hours or something. Century means a hundred years, and I don’t think you meant to put that.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Me ;) :
My watch was on fire in seconds, flames were shooting out of it and everything went terribly wrong. In seconds, the watch sent me back to the Purifying Forest. It was strange, because now I was hours, maybe even days from home. I was terrified, but in minutes, Pidgey and a Taillow came. They just stood there making an odd face; hoping I would battle both of them. I accepted the battle, and I was ready since I first had my eyes on them.
It’s much easier to read and understand when you place a period at the end of each thought. It still is a bit choppy, but I'm trying to stress the correct monets when you should use a comma, or a period. You use a comma when the next issue is related somehow to that particular sentence. Here, a random example (cheesy):

Quote:
Originally Posted by Incorrect:
Espeon Ex is a very nice boy, commas are fun to use.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Correct:
Espeon Ex is a very nice boy, and he loves to use commas.
In the first quote, the second half of the sentence has absolutely nothing to do with the first half. It would make sense there, so you wouldn’t keep adding information onto a sentence that isn’t in the same thought.

The second quote works because the second half of the second is actually describing the first. I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it, commas are annoying. ;P I hope this helps.

One more major problem you had was that you kept tense flipping. It’s important that you keep the same tense throughout the story, especially in the same sentence:

Quote:
Originally Posted by You :
There were narrow halls that I can barely squeeze in, it took Electabuzz hours to get himself out, but we managed to get out, There were tiles on the ground, I was thinking, there could be traps…
That was another enormous run-on sentence, but I cut the second half off because it’s easier to show you how to fix it with it being shorter. Basically, you need to use the same verb tense throughout a story. If you start out with past tense, keep it past tense. When you flip-flop it confuses the reader and makes it hard to read.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Me :
There were narrow halls that I could barely squeeze into. It took Electabuzz hours to get himself out, but we managed. There were tiles on the ground, and I thought that there may have been traps…
It is much easier to read when you’re consistent with tense. It also makes you look like an experienced writer. ;) In case you still have any questions with tenses, feel free to PM me and I’ll help you out.

Detail/Description: You really needed more here. There was scarcely any description at all. The character and his Pokemon were never described, and it was very hard to picture the places that he went. You did do a good job in some areas though, like this one here:

Quote:
Originally Posted by You:
I entered the shallow yet damp forest, it had Yanma soaring everywhere like dragonflies dancing…
It was very rare to see any description like that. You should write like this throughout the whole story, not just a sentence here and there.

Length: This story is definitely long enough. You really made the extra effort make this lengthy. It’s disappointing to see members post stories that have obviously been thrown together in a day, so I was pleased to see that you had spent a lot of time on yours. Unfortunately, the length of a story isn’t the most important aspect of a grade. It’s better for a writer to spend more time on making their story have more quality than it is for them to make it have more length.

Reality: The majority of this story was perfectly believable. It reminded me of that Olivine episode of the anime, with the character going to retrieve medicine and all. I only noticed two things. The first was when your character did a back flip out of a tree; I’m not sure someone could emerge from that unharmed. :/ The second, you KO’d both mons in the final scene. In order to capture a Pokemon, you need to simply weaken it, not faint it.

Battle: Not very strong here. This was a pretty one-sided battle. I only remember Pidgey using Peck (which it doesn’t learn btw). You also needed this to be longer, especially since you were going after two Pokemon. In battles, there really needs to be a lot of description on the attacks so the reader can really picture it.

Outcome: This was very borderline. You had length going for you, but all the other aspects weren’t very strong. I really wanted this to pass, but I’m going to have to say Pidgey captured!, and Taillow not captured because they are both in the Simple category. But this would have been a failed capture if you were going for a mon at a higher level, instead of two. Please read my advice and edit this. It’s a very good story, but your grammar, descriptions and many other things really hurt you. As soon as you’ve finished, PM me for a regrade, and I’ll get to it immediately. Have fun with your new Pidgey, and I’m hoping to let you have Taillow very soon. :)
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