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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 02-05-2007, 12:56 AM
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Default That's not a Fossil!, it's a..... Rock. (Part 2 of the Belize series)

Plot stuffs: Belize the factory worker gets his Magikarp defeated. Then, he finds a rock, a lucky rock, and in his next battle, his Magikarp evolves.

Of course... When a scientist sees his lucky rock and tells him its a fossil, Belize is overjoyed. He's so attached to it, however, that he decides not to sell the uber-expensive pokemon revived from it. This pokemon seems like a rock to him, however, or at least to be made of rock, and is... Well... Let's just say its not a very active pokemon, thus explaining how a newly evolved Gyarados defeats it with ease.

Pokemon to catch: Aerodactyl




Thwack!

For the twentieth time in that many minutes, Belize found himself staring at the unconscious, limp, red-scaled body of his knocked-out Magikarp. His wonderful escape from factory life had turned out to be a lot weaker than he had expected, unfortunately. The pokemon, despite its shining scales and powerful looking tail, had turned out to be fairly pathetic in actuality. Worse yet, the resilience it showed- It had dealt with many shocks in the factory where Belize had found it, even before that last, more powerful one- made the battles long. As he could not attack, it did not make Magikarp any less hopeless, however. Belize had tried to tell himself that his luck would change for the first fifteen or so, but after that, he had simply accepted the challenges because he didn't dare turn them down. Now, the last of his salary was being doled out to the goons in leather jackets whom he had foolishly challenged, hoping to win a motorcycle from one of them.

"Money," The man said bluntly, looking down at him expressionlessly. However, his eyes were savage, and Belize wondered what the man was thinking. He was probably under the influence of some sort of 'uppers', as looking at him, and his twitchy, erratic motions, Belize was sure he would go into a frenzy with the least aggravation. Unfortunately, he was about to have to annoy the man fairly seriously.

"I'm sorry, I don't have anything left," Belize said. Hastily, he moved his hands to his pockets, not wanting to be thought of as a liar. He turned them inside out, and while several things fell out, none were money. Nor were they particularly valuable.

The biker's eye twitched, and Belize nervously backed away. While he was taller than the man, he was outweighed by quite a bit, not to mention probably the one with less fighting expirience. "You don't have anything to give me?" The man bellowed in his face.

"Ah, no," Belize said, waving his hands before him as he stepped back. "I'm sorry-" He began, before abruptly shutting up as he fell backwards. Or, rather, stopping his speech, at least, though only because he was too preoccupied with screaming. He had tripped on a rock, and flew backwards towards the ground, hitting his head.

Clutching the thing- It was an oddly shaped, deep-brown color, but there were white bits laced through it, oddly- He tried, in desparation, the only thing that occured to him. "Magikarp, stop him!" He said weakly, hoping the pokemon would obey. However, his Magikarp only thrashed weakly towards them, before using splash to spray a harmless current of water at the man. It didn't even hit him. It fell short.

"Kill it," The biker gruffly ordered his Electabuzz, pointing at the Magikarp disdainfully. The striped pokemon flung a thunderpunch at Magikarp, but to its surprise, the attack did not finish off the weakling. Instead, a light brighter than that of all the Thunder's it could ever create lit up the area, and the pokemon found itself dangling by the arm from the mouth of an angry Gyarados.

Barely managing to hope that he was saved, Belize closed his eyes, still holding his rock. Gyarados, however, was no longer as stupid as it had been as a Magikarp. It used Bite, rushlessly twisting and smashing the arm within it's teeth. Electric type or not, Electabuzz's advantage was gone. The pokemon could barely focus through the pain of its mangled arm, and it didn't even try to use Thunder to get Gyarados to drop it. Instead, it hung limply, its blood dripping down Gyarados' chin, until the water type dropped it scornfully to the ground. Great teeth covered in red, it turned to the biker, who, for once, was the one being intimidated. He fled, not even bothering to recall his pokemon, which lay weakly on the ground, unconcious.

"Ah, hello there," Belize said to the pokemon. It leaned towards him, and he flinched, shutting his eyes and clinging to his rock. However, the pokemon used Hydro Pump to blast the mess from its face, then actually nuzzled its trainer. Gyarados had not forgotten that Belize had both rescued and cared for him afterwards.

Now that they had a chance, Gyarados moved to intercept one of the departing bikers. His low growl caused the man to call out a pokemon- A nidoran- but a simple Hydro Pump blew the tiny pokemon back, and it lay where it fell. The next Pokemon the man tried to use, a Wigglytuff, did not fare much better. Twister flung it far away. A Hyper Beam polished off the man's only remaining pokemon, Hoothoot, and the biker, again, tried to run. This time, however, Gyarados would not let him, blocking him, but not hurting him.

"I want my money back," Belize said, feeling a bit more daring. Slipping the large rock into his backpack, he strode over to the biker. He was still somewhat timid, however, and didn't dare ask again when he saw the biker hesitate. Luckily, however, Gyarados backed him up with a snarl, until the man not only returned his ill-gotten winnings, but also give Belize a chunk of his own money.

"Who's next?" Belize asked, glancing at the scrambling crowds. They, however, were leaving. Feeling particularly lucky, he smiled up at Gyarados, though his knees still felt like jelly due to the danger he'd only just escaped.

Feeling hungry, he, too, left the area, though after recalling his Pokemon. Gyarados was simply too big to have follow him around, even if it had not been a water type. Besides, the diner would certainly frown on the Pokemon's presence- If, indeed, his blue dragon could even fit within its walls.

Twelve pancakes and a side of bacon later, Belize felt much better. He paid, for once even having enough to leave a tip, before heading across the street to his tiny hotel room. Though he didn't want to waste money, when he ran out of time with the room, he planned on getting a much less crowded one, perhaps in a hotel in the less seedy part of town. His life was, at last, turning out how he had imagined.

Last edited by FireflyK; 04-08-2007 at 12:52 AM.
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  #2  
Old 02-11-2007, 04:51 PM
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Default Re: That's not a Fossil!, it's a..... Rock. (Part 2 of the Belize series)

Chapter two


This time, when morning came, he didn't have to pack hastily, leave the room for the day and come back to rent the cheapest one that night only if it was cold. Instead, he took his time, laying on his goldenrod sheets and watching TV for an hour before he even thought of getting out of bed. An hour long shower later, with no fears of running out of hot water this time, left him refreshed and happy. As for cologne, he no longer rationed it, but used a decent amount, though not enough to be chokingly strong.

Clothes clean and new, and socks matching and undarned, he trotted out of the room, hopping on one foot as he laced the brand-new, brand-name shoes he wore. Seconds thoughts struck him at the stairs, however. 'I'm being lazy today,' he decided, turning around and heading right back into his room, before dialing room service. After eating a warm breakfast that room service delivered to him, he finally summoned the will and the energy to leave his room for a bit longer. He slowly headed down towards the pool. Gyarados deserved to swim for as long as it wanted after that harsh battle earlier, and all the money it would bring in. Not to mention, of course, the welcome companionship. Belize was only in his early twenties, far too young to be able to be alone for long without being upset.

While the long blue Pokemon leisurely made its way around the empty pool- The other Pokemon swimming in it had fled at the sight of the much-larger, sharp-toothed sea Pokemon- Belize relaxed on a pool chair. His backpack lay beside him, filled to the brim. Various items he’d never been able to afford before lay on top, with a towel beneath them, then various snacks and useful items. At the bottom, however, was the large rock, threatening to tear the bag. That hardly mattered, however, as he planned on getting a new, better, bigger, and stronger one now. And definitely one with bigger pockets, so he could hold his new rock separate from his own belongings.

For a lucky rock, it was huge. The brown, ridged item was almost a foot tall, and not really shaped in the normal way, either. The top was smooth and rounded, like a dome, but the sides had oddly shaped bits sticking out, and the ‘bottom’ wasn’t easy to rest the rock on, either. A few leg-like protrusions stuck out, and it rested shakily on these, rocking in the slightest winds, in danger of toppling over. However, Belize feared to modify the rock at all, even breaking off the weak, stick-like parts of it, lest they might be what made the rock so lucky.

“Hey, man.” An angry looking man had, unnoticed, sidled up near Belize. Surprised, the younger man leapt up, capsizing the chair, and nearly collapsing on the mess before he caught himself. “Your Pokemon’s taking up the whole pool, dude. That’s so not cool.”

“Oh, sorry,” Belize said, as though he hadn’t noticed. He fiddled nervously with his bag, wishing he had his rock. “But… You know… He wants to swim, and he just won me a lot of battles, so I want to let him get a chance to stretch his muscles, you know?” He glanced back at him, into the tanned face, framed with yellow hair- definitely bleached, though Belize didn't notice this- and smiled weakly.

“Get out of the pool,” The man said more firmly, and, slightly startled, Belize glanced at him with a more sober expression. The man didn’t look too stable. He had dreadlocks, long and messy, and was wearing a tye-dyed shirt, and ripped up jeans. A smile spread across Belize’s face. Well, at least he wasn’t boring. He’d had enough of that to last him a life time.

Taking this as an insult, the newcomer ground his teeth, yanking a Pokeball from his belt. A little Pichu flopped out, onto it’s face, and kneeling, the man’s hands pulled it back up, yellow fur tickling his brown, leathered flesh. So he wasn't just a hippie or a surfer, Belize thought, glancing at the callused skin. He did... Something. Some sort of hard work.

'I know what that's like,' Belize noted.

“Spark,” The man ordered the apathetic, clumsy being. The little Pichu closed it’s eyes, drearily leaning to the side, and swayed. However, the tiny spark that leapt to the water was transmitted well by the salty, chlorinated, artificial current, and though Gyarados wasn’t too injured, it did feel some pain. The Pokemon roared, firing a blast of water at Pichu. This, however, was blocked, as the man scooped his Pokemon up, moving it out of the way, and with his free arm, tossing another Pokeball. This hit Gyarados, and wisely, the Pokemon grabbed it in his fangs, holding it so it couldn’t open.

“Dude!” The man repeated, with a frown. His serious expression belayed Belize’s opinion of him somewhat. He was dressed, and, well, spoke like a hippie… But he sure as hell didn’t look like one. Belize was curious as to what or who he really was. Or, rather, he had been. Now, he was angry. Belize was very mild tempered, used to giving in quite easily and doing as he was told, but this man had just attempted to capture his Pokemon, his only Pokemon, his precious Gyarados. Now, he was angry. Standing up from his slumping position, he straightened his shoulders. The man did the same, as though suddenly feeling challenged by the previously meek young man. Belize was strong from his years of factory work, and even his baggy, unassuming garments- aside from the fancy designer shoes- did not hide this.

“Growlithe,” The man hissed, and Belize wondered what he meant. Was there a Pokemon in the Pokeball? Perhaps the man hadn't wanted to catch Gyarados, not that that soothed Belize's anger much at this point. It did, however, make more sense.... Perhaps the Pokeball Gyarados had restrained held a Growlithe. Well, that wasn’t a wise choice against a water type.

“Sir, look…” He began, confidence melting away as he speak uneasily, then stopped. He didn’t have to take this anymore. “I’ll be out soon, but the pool is open to everyone, so if you please.” This time, he was a bit more decisive. However, the man nearly snorted.

“Selfish boy,” He said to the ex factory worker, while calling out another Pokemon. This time, it wasn’t a weak or unevolved one. A solid, dulled thump echoed through the blue-tiled floor as twin feet hit the ground, sea green a contrast to the white nails embedded within. Six feet of solid green muscle extended upwards, the 220 pound Pokemon’s back garnished with an opened flower, palm-like leaves spread around the red and yellow petals.

“Leech Seed.” The man ordered, and with a fearful cry, Venusaur obeyed. Too slow to dodge, Gyarados fell prey to the attack. Vines burst from the seeds, and held the Pokemon tightly. It was in danger of drowning in the environment in which it usually held the advantage. Unable to get free of the vivid foliage, the Pokemon was sinking into the waves it had, itself, created.

“Gyarados!” Belize yelled, clutching his rock. The man knew he had to act, however, not just yell. It was so unfair, since he had only one Pokemon. However, to his relief, the man simply ordered Venusaur to haul Gyarados out of the pool- then cut him free.

“Only so I can get my Pokemon.” He said gruffly, tearing away the green around Gyarados’ mouth. The Pokeball was still there, partially crushed from the teeth. As soon as it was pulled free, the trainer stepped back, the vines already falling away. They’d been torn, the cells leaking, and they soon shriveled. Leech Seeds were incredibly fast-growing, and took a lot of energy. That meant, however, that they needed that energy, and so without it, they died within minutes, if that. Soon, the brown husks had lost much of their moisture, and Gyarados was able to, angrily, tear itself away.

By this time, the man had recalled his Pokemon, and people were peeking in through the doorway. Gyarados, however, wasn’t deterred by the audience. With a roar, he dove for the calm man, hovering intimidatingly in front of his face. Looking more annoyed at this, than worried, he toyed with something unseen in his pocket.

“Hey- hey.” Belize wasn't sure what to do. Could he call Gyarados off?

Should he?

“Don’t,” He said, not being clear to whom he was speaking. “C’mon, it’s alright, leave him. Let’s go. We can swim somewhere else,” He specified, when Gyarados opened his mouth, baring his teeth.

Afraid of what his Pokemon would do, and used to obeying orders instead of making his own way, Belize shuddered. The man reached for the Pokeball at his waist. Even knowing Gyarados might be upset lately, Belize chose to recall the large Pokemon and grab his bag and rock, before hastily making his escape. Startled to see Belize turn and run, the Venusaur’s owner didn’t follow him, but merely stared as Belize left.

Hastening away, Belize reluctantly returned to his hotel room, afraid of being seen. He waited, ashamedly, until half past midnight to go downstairs to have dinner. The resturant was nearly empty, aside from a few unusual looking characters seated on the floor near the fireplace, and a middle-aged woman sitting at a table by herself.

One glance at the amount of eyeshadow the fire-sitters wore, and that was only looking at the males among them, was enough to deter Belize. Still, despite his worry that he would be recognized as the jerk with the Gyarados, he didn’t want to be alone. Cautiously, he edged towards the woman, hoping she wouldn’t mind if he sat with her. She, however, looked up from her book and actually waved him over.

Setting his bag down beside the table- He had brought it out of habit- He reached in, for his luck rock, to rub his hand across it in hopes of good fortune. She, however, shamelessly ducked down, peeking under the table, and spotted the rock. Rather than chiding the blushing man for his oddity, however, she gave off a strangled squeal. “My goodness, do you know what that IS?” She asked, and seized the rock.

About to complain, Belize paused. What if she was about to tell him it was a piece of burnt wood, or fossilized manure? He was actually half right, though he had yet to find this out.

“This… Here,” The woman said, pulling money from her pocket. She offered him a handful of twenties. “I will give you five hundred dollars for it.”

“Five hundred?” Belize asked, immensely startled. He clutched the rock, yanking it from her. “For a rock? I mean, it’s a good offer, not to turn you away immediately…But it’s lucky, I need it.” Indecisively, he wavered, looking at the money. He couldn’t believe she was offering it in cash.

First things first, he reminded himself. Sure, it was more money than he had had most of the time in the past, living hand-to-mouth on the minimal wage from his factory job… But he didn’t want to suddenly throw this rock away for nothing. And if she was willing to pay so much for it, it had to have a lot of value, unless she was very rich or a thief.

Sensing his worries- It wasn’t very hard to do, as he wore his heart on his sleeve, and his teeth were digging bloodily through his lower lip- the woman retreated a little. “That would be a wonderful find for my museum, dear. It appears to be a fossil of some sort. Probably a common one, but an archeological museum of ancient Pokeancestors can never have too many fossils, even of simple Kabuto. Would you care to sell it, or perhaps trade it?” This time, she moved more slowly, as if offering food to a starving, feral cat. Pulling out a Pokeball, she placed it in his free hand, on his palm, curling his fingers around it.

“This is a genuine Kyuuoibi Tauros, bred from the finest stock around. It wasn’t meant to be breeding stock, I’ll admit, but it was spared because it was all wrong for Tauros meat- Muscular and too lean to be tender. It’s a fighter, and cost me… Well, let’s just say we’d be speaking in the 6 figure area,” The curator said. The amount of money alone, for that one Pokemon, amazed Belize so much he didn’t bother to consider the veracity of her claim. Over $100,000…. He had never even SEEN that much in his life, much less had a chance at owning something worth at least that much. However, he was still unsure, too shocked for things to fully sink in.

Taking a closer look, when he didn’t object, the curator gasped in astonishment. She took the Pokeball back, then glanced at him, almost sheepishly. “This… Is an Aerodactyl fossil,” She said, “I’d love to have one, but I can’t morally take this. They have the technology to revive them now, you know. And I can't afford one that would be revived, for me or just for the sake of the poor Pokemon, with my own money. The museum's money is only for fossils that can't be revived, you know, since it would be immoral to leave a recoverable one dead just to put it on display.”

“Oh,” Belize said, feeling too shocked still to say anything else. This didn’t deter her, however. She seemed eager to tell him everything, even if she was sad about the loss of a potential artifact. The late hour didn’t seem to affect her at all, though Belize himself felt quite drowsy.

“Shall I give you the address? I know a scientist- Brilliant woman, really, she’s done so much in the field, it’s really incredible- she can revive him for you, or her.”

“Oh,” Belize repeated, this time a bit more loudly. Again, she seemed to take this as understanding.

“Well, here you are,” She stated, jotting something down on a piece of paper she took from a notepad in her pocket. Offering him the slip, which he numbly took with a mumble of thanks, she glanced at her watch. “It’s late,” She told him as if noticing for the first time, and stood up, “I’ll see you another time.”

“Ohhhhh,” Belize said for the third time, as he watched her walk away. ‘What just happened?’ he thought, astounded. Realizing he could no longer think coherently, he went back to his room to sleep, all traces of earlier shame and guilt forgotten.

Last edited by FireflyK; 04-08-2007 at 01:07 AM.
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Old 03-12-2007, 02:59 AM
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Default Re: That's not a Fossil!, it's a..... Rock. (Part 2 of the Belize series)

Chapter 3


During the next few days, however, having his precious lucky rock examined was the farthest thing from Belize’s mind. There were, after all, more important things for him to do, such as eating at the expensive buffets he had never been able to afford in the past, shopping for new clothes for the first time in years, and going to an amusement park. The latter had been to Gyarados’ dismay, for he couldn’t go with Belize, and he hated being left alone. The trip had been cut short when he had stormed the gate, causing the wooden-sword-armed youngsters on its turrets to squeal excitedly, and charge the blue Pokemon. Gyarados, thankfully, hadn't hurt any of them, but he had scared the daylights out of one little fellow who had leapt atop his head, only to rub against the Pokemon's rough scales a bit too vibrantly. A few small cuts had panicked him because they were blue, until it became apparent that it was only a bit of shedding on Gyarados' part, which had stuck to the boy's sweaty skin.


A week later, however, some of the excitement of being able to win the money for everything he needed had worn off. Belize, frankly, was bored, and had nothing to do about this. He had no family to go home to, no house even- He lived out of hotels- and no cause to support and fight for. Finally, exasperated with the long silence, he simply gathered up his belongings one day, and left, heading out into the forest.
__________________

My hands have yet to build a village, have yet to find water in the barren desert, have yet to plant a flower, and I have yet to find the path that leads me... I have not loved enough, but the wind and the sun are still on my face.



I have yet to sow green fields, yet to raise a city, yet to plant a grapevine on each chalky hill... There is so much to build and so much to be, and my love is just beginning.

Last edited by FireflyK; 04-08-2007 at 01:10 AM.
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Old 03-12-2007, 11:53 PM
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Default Re: That's not a Fossil!, it's a..... Rock. (Part 2 of the Belize series)

Thick shrubs were parted quickly, then more slowly after his hands began to bleed. The early morning sun made it difficult to see and avoid the bushes that were thorn-covered, as the small rays of orange light were about as bright as the bulb of a dying flashlight. And, unfortunately, the dazzling attitude Belize had started the day off with wasn't convertable into the sort of brightness he needed.

Belize had forgotten how long he had been away from the factory, though now, it seemed to be beginning to show more. Feeling very disappointed at this, even though he felt he should relish this new proof of his better life, he didn't bother to stop to wrap his hands in bandages as he trekked onwards towards his goal. The little mountain in the distance that he had set his gaze on seemed to approach quickly as he walked steadily along, rubbing one sore hand over the other as if washing them, but in blood.

When the trees gave way suddenly to dirt, Belize stopped short, scuffing his shiny new trainers in the dirt. The shoes, however, weren't what concerned him. The sudden absence of life was more disturbing. Pidgey, Taillow, Spearow, and even the occaisonal Swablu had warbled at him on his way through the forest, and Rattata and Nidoran of both genders had also been present and plentiful. Even the little Sunkern, basking in the fading rays of the sun, had been a part of the scenery, if a quieter part. Even the trees seemed to be dulled, the browns now almost grey, the leaves drooping from lifeless tree-limbs. Now, even worse, Belize felt as though the peaceful silence had been broken by discord, even if he couldn't hear anything but a faint buzzing.

Slowly, something hit him. The buzzing wasn't his ears, or his imagination. Something was buzzing, moving, perhaps working. Without a thought, he trotted off towards it.


A small tractor met his eyes first, which seemed to make sense. It, however, was abandoned, not only alone and turned off but also rusted. The Beedrill he belatedly spotted within it was quiet as well- It wasn't even a Pokemon at all but the sheddings of an old skin of one. (Or so he hoped- He didn't want it to turn out to be a body!)

Engrossed in examining the tractor and its occupant, he only looked up when the sound stopped. Rather than being glad for the quiet, Belize felt almost disappointed. After all, he had just lost his opportunity to find out what the noise was. He dug through his bag for his rock, holding it for comfort, as he stared at the ground. Finally, still holding the heavy item in his arms, Belize stumbled forwards, until he hit the ground- Or, rather, didn't hit it. His feet hit air, and he fell into a deep hole, luckily landing rather softly on farm-ready dirt.

With a soft grunt, and a feeling that something wasn't quite right, Belize yanked himself up and out of the hole. A glance around confirmed his suspicions. This wasn't farming land, and hadn't been for a long time now. Industrial buildings, halfway built, stood in front of him. Their pollution was appalling, but the truly disturbing thing about the scene was the familiar looking Persian lying near a pool of water, which leapt up when it spotted him. By the Persian and Pool stood another unfortunate thing- A building with a large, unmistakable R on the front.

"Oh, no," Belize moaned, clutching his rock in one arm. His other reached for Gyarados' Pokeball, and he called the Pokemon out in the lake. "Gyarados, do... Something! Hydro Pump!" Feeling a bit on the slow side, especially with orders, he blushed.

Baring his large teeth, Gyarados spat a thick stream of clear liquid at the Persian, who yowled angrily and leapt aside. Claws screeching with an ear-rending sound on the concrete, she lifted one literally smoking paw, thanks to the friction, when her skidding finally ceased. Still sure he had the advantage, Belize ordered another attack, this time a bite, but Gyarados didn't dare dive quickly towards the pavement, lest he miss. Another water attack was deemed to be in order, but Persian didn't simply stand by for this attack. After all, Persian hadn't become top cat without reason.

With a self-satisfied, if a bit malevolent, hiss she attacked. Spinning around, she took advantage both of her inner power and of the static electricity from the friction of claws on cement, and conjured a large thunder bolt. This struck not just the water, but Gyarados, spreading through it to the water, and then back again to the dragon-like creature. This time, the steam that rose wasn't from Persian, but from the cat's opponent, to Belize's shock and horror.

"I'm... So dead." He muttered when Persian turned around, haughtily raising its tail in the air while it strode purposefully towards a man visible through one of the windows of the Team Rocket building.
__________________

My hands have yet to build a village, have yet to find water in the barren desert, have yet to plant a flower, and I have yet to find the path that leads me... I have not loved enough, but the wind and the sun are still on my face.



I have yet to sow green fields, yet to raise a city, yet to plant a grapevine on each chalky hill... There is so much to build and so much to be, and my love is just beginning.

Last edited by FireflyK; 04-08-2007 at 01:22 AM.
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Old 03-13-2007, 12:36 AM
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Default Re: That's not a Fossil!, it's a..... Rock. (Part 2 of the Belize series)

Deciding to flee while he still had a chance, Belize started to recall Gyarados, only to spot something he hadn't noticed earlier. A little Meowth was watching him, entirely unmoving aside from its eyes. The eerie little thing hadn't budged before, so he didn't believe it would be dangerous to his attempts to flee, even if its pink, eye-bulging gaze was 'tres creepy', as his boss had always used to say.

The Pokemon pointed at him, however, as he backed away slowly, still facing it just in case. And, when he tried to recall Gyarados, it gave a soft but piercing cry, which faded to nothing as soon as he put the Pokeball away again. Gyarados, who was recovering slightly from the attack, rumbled softly and unhappily at this, but there was little that either of them could do.

"Uh... Okay, okay," Belize said to try to calm himself and the Meowth, "We're going, okay? We're just going now."

To his dismay, the Meowth stood up fluidly, seeming to almost drift towards him. Its fur, he noticed when it got closer, was a very pale white, thus explaining its eyes. It appeared to be an albino.

'Wonderful,' Belize thought gloomily to himself, 'as if I haven't deal with enough wierd things in the past few days.'

Placing his rock in his bag, he decided that one way or another, he had to flee. As he wasn't going to do this without Gyarados, he would simply have to make sure the Meowth didn't alert anyone to his absence.

"Twister,” Belize ordered unthinkingly, and had to leap out of the way when Gyarados obeyed more quickly than his trainer had expected him to. “Oh!” Belize gasped, as the not-so-natural disaster spun past him, picking up speed. The Meowth was certainly dealt with. It had been caught up in the winds, and flung about at a high speed, before flying off into the distance. Still, Belize found himself shaking with remnants of adrenaline, though he wasn’t sure what he feared now.

“That… Wasn’t good,” He gasped out, one hand on his chest as if to slow his speeding heart. “Let’s get out of here.”

This time, recalling Gyarados was fast and easy. The twister was a different issue. It was out of hand, spinning about in the pool now, in danger of becoming a typhoon. To make matters worse, several people dressed in dark, body-covered capes were lurking around the area, leaving only the Team Rocket building itself as an escape from the dangerous water-and-air monstrosity.

“Oh, Christ,” Belize breathed, grasping at his neck as though he wsa choking to death. Feeling that he had no choice, he dashed towards the building, ignoring the harsh sensation of sharp rocks beneath his thin-soled sneakers. When he darted inside, however, his eyes settled on chaos. Rockets were running in every direction, some dressed in normal clothes, some in Team Rocket Uniforms, and some in birthday suits. Apparently they’d been surprised by someone or something, and hadn’t had time to organize properly, he realized.

Trying to avoid them was like dodging raindrops in a downpour. Finally, Belize settled for being buffeted as little as possible as he fought he way through the mass of rapidly-moving bodies. Pushing past the slowing stream of Rockets, as it trailed off to a mere drip, he sighed in relief. That, however, was when he was spotted.

Luckily for Belize, the Rockets were too busy to do anything to him. The dark figures, whom Belize had taken for other members of the Rocket group, were actually disguised Police Officers. With their hoods gone, they looked rather noticeable, all massed together in the middle of the room in a cloud of black hair and blue uniform. They were almost like Zebras, Belize thought as he squinted at them. He couldn’t tell where one began and one left off. This, however, would do them no good if the Rockets simply obliterated the entire area around them, which he didn’t doubt they would.

Though he hadn’t planned on staying to watch, Belize found himself trapped. The wall was too tough to break through, and he couldn’t walk through the mass of Rockets and Officers, either.

Finally, taking a seat on an amazingly untouched bench, Belize accepted the wait he would have to go through before it was safe to leave. Closing his eyes, he lay back, trying to ignore the madness around him, but the pandemonium was poorly aimed. A Sleeping Powder attack, blown off course by a Gust, knocked him out entirely. By the time he woke up, the uninjured officers were leading off large groups of Team Rocket members, chained and handcuffed together. Relieved, and a bit disoriented, he licked his dry lips with a similarly parched tongue, and stood up. Protesting muscles were overruled by his immense thirst, and clutching his rock and backpack, Gyarados’ Pokeball safely inside it, he set out to find a drink.

Before he could even look for a bathroom, an Officer Jenny stopped him. “Excuse me,” She said in a tone that promised trouble, “We said SIT DOWN!”

“My mouth is dry,” Belize squeaked, clinging to his rock. In a mouse-like fashion, he ducked his head, fringe of hair falling in front of his eyes.

“I don’t care, Rocket!” The Officer retorted loudly, making him cringe again. This, however, changed when she spotted the Rock he held. “What is this? Did you steal it?” She asked, as she noticed that it appeared to be a fossil.

“I- Miss- here.” Belize yanked out his trainer card as he slowly began to become more coherent again, the situation sinking in. After glancing at it, the Officer blinked, then stepped back, offering him his rock again.

“I’m very sorry, but you can never be too careful, you know. And I didn’t expect to find anyone but Team Rocket in this hideout. Were you kidnapped?” Concerned, she grabbed his arm, as if expecting to see his bones broken and protruding from the limb. A little creeped out by her- Though her presence was clearly preferable to that of all the Team Rocket members- he pulled away.

“I’m okay,” Belize said weakly, with a small, forced smile. “Can I go now? I’m… Thirsty.”

The poor excuse took a minute to register, but Officer Jenny waved him off after that. “Of course,” She told him, and took one last glance at his fossil. Her look was of pity- She seemed to think him dull witted or perhaps even insane, to carry that around like a stuffed animal while stuck in a Rocket hideout.

Absently, she said “You ought to get that to a scientist, to see if they can revive it,” to his back as he began to trudge from the hideout.

“You’ve got to be at least the fifth person to suggest that, lady,” Belize muttered, his manners apparently as lost as his common sense and coherency. Still, he hefted the rock up to get a better look at it, narrowly avoiding the mistake of dropping it on his own foot. “S’pose I ought to get it checked out some time.” He sighed.
__________________

My hands have yet to build a village, have yet to find water in the barren desert, have yet to plant a flower, and I have yet to find the path that leads me... I have not loved enough, but the wind and the sun are still on my face.



I have yet to sow green fields, yet to raise a city, yet to plant a grapevine on each chalky hill... There is so much to build and so much to be, and my love is just beginning.

Last edited by FireflyK; 04-08-2007 at 02:18 AM.
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Old 03-13-2007, 02:00 AM
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Default Re: That's not a Fossil!, it's a..... Rock. (Part 2 of the Belize series)

Too tired and flustered to find a proper hotel, Belize had stopped at the first place he saw, a little, fairly run down, bed & breakfast. With Gyarados' Pokeball and his Rock clutched in his arms, he slept fitfully on the couch, not bothering to change or even get into his bed. The alarm clock blared for two hours as he slept on, thanks to the early-rising couple before him, but while the other patrons were probably very annoyed, Belize was too exhausted to wake up and notice the noise.

It was noon when the bright sunlight, streaming in through the thin and worn pink tafetta on the windows, woke him up. Stretching, he leapt to alertness as the events of the night before flooded back into his mind, nearly knocking his heavy rock off the bed. Packing once again, for he had decided not to stay, Belize set off on yet another adventure.


****



"That'll be fourty dollars," The young boy beside the Pidgeot said, chewing on a piece of straw. Belize had, at first, thought he was trying to look cool. However, his fidgeting suggested he was nervous, or antsy. The smell of smoke on his jacket made the guide's problem obvious to Belize- He was trying to quit smoking by keeping his mouth otherwise occupied. Knowing it was best not to make him an grouchier than he undoubtedly already was, Belize only nodded without complaint. He wasn't leaving his rock behind, no matter how much it cost to carry the heavy thing on the messenger bird.

"Hop on," the slight Trainer said to Belize, waving him towards Pidgeot. With one last look at the region he had called home for the past few years, in one county or another, Belize stepped onto the Pidgeot's back, trying to avoid hurting its feathers as he clung to it.
__________________

My hands have yet to build a village, have yet to find water in the barren desert, have yet to plant a flower, and I have yet to find the path that leads me... I have not loved enough, but the wind and the sun are still on my face.



I have yet to sow green fields, yet to raise a city, yet to plant a grapevine on each chalky hill... There is so much to build and so much to be, and my love is just beginning.

Last edited by FireflyK; 04-08-2007 at 01:22 AM.
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Old 03-13-2007, 02:06 AM
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Default Re: That's not a Fossil!, it's a..... Rock. (Part 2 of the Belize series)

Cinnabar city was beautiful. The dirt and grime stuck to the abandoned mansion were invisible to Belize's eyes, much like green to a colorblind person. The ivy, on the other hand, only seemed to add to the magnificence of the ancient structure. However, Belize didn't stick around for long, or even venture within the building. He was on a mission, and determined to complete it.

Striding down the streets determinedly, he headed towards the laboratory of Dr. Greon, a respected scientist and part-time curator of a museum of fossils. While he didn't plan on getting the Kabuto or Omanyte or whatever other Pokemon was within revived, he did want to know what his fossil had once been. No Pokemon, however, especially one that had become as common as the trilobite or snail, was worth losing his lucky rock. He was certain.

Opening the newly-painted door, the touch of cold metal from the doorknob welcome against his sun-warmed skin, Belize stepped inside into a blast of air from a fan. Basking in this for a minute, until the sweat began to evaporate from his reddened body, he glanced around for Dr. Greon.

As expected, he was hard at work, peering into a microscope. The microscope, however, wasn't being used on a slide. A book was propped under it. Curious- Wondering if it was a scientific picture that simply needed more magnification- Belize quietly moved closer, still unnoticed by the professor. The loud chuckle that ran out changed, this however.

"He's right there." Belize said with a grin, feeling surprised, but relieved. This had to prove scientists were humans, too. He pointed to the book as he spoke. "Waldo's next to the fruit stand. He's the one holding the blueberries."
__________________

My hands have yet to build a village, have yet to find water in the barren desert, have yet to plant a flower, and I have yet to find the path that leads me... I have not loved enough, but the wind and the sun are still on my face.



I have yet to sow green fields, yet to raise a city, yet to plant a grapevine on each chalky hill... There is so much to build and so much to be, and my love is just beginning.

Last edited by FireflyK; 03-13-2007 at 02:35 AM.
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Old 03-13-2007, 02:26 AM
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Default Re: That's not a Fossil!, it's a..... Rock. (Part 2 of the Belize series)

"Thank you," The scientist said gravely. However, when he saw that Belize was a young man, and didn't appear to be insulting or mocking him, he lightened up. "Hello there."

"I'm Belize," The owner of the fossil said, deciding to get the introduction over with quickly. Human or not, he was still a bit concerned about the scientist, who seemed so smart compared to other people. Humbled, he blushed slightly, and half-offered, half-shoved the fossil at the man in front of him.

"What's this?" The science doctorate asked rhetorically, as he put the Waldo book in his desk so the fossil could be moved under the microscope's viewer. He even, Belize noted, marked his place in the Waldo book before putting it away. Quirky or not, however, the man seemed intelligent enough, though a bit shocked by the discovery.

'Like he put his finger in a light socket,' Belize thought, 'I wonder if that's bad news?'

"This is an Aerodactyl fossil, from the late Archijic period," Mr. Greon told him, "Basically, in laymen's terms, this is very valuable, and probably viable. I could have an Aerodactyl out of this in a few hours if you wanted."

"That would be amazing," Belize said, overjoyed. The thought of saving the fossil no longer even occurred to him, the scientist's mood seemingly infectious. "Do it, please."

"Hand me my reading glasses," The scientist responded, heading towards a strange machine. Placing the fossil in it, he began to mix various things, pouring them in slowly. His glasses were forgotten- Belize hoped he didn't need them too badly, as he didn't want his rock ruined for nothing, but he didn't comment.

"I think I can hurry it along," Greon said when he saw Belize shift anxiously, not realizing his worry was over the great speed that was already being taken in reviving the long-dead Aerodactly. Another few beakers of solution were added, and the slow beginnings of flesh regrowing seemed to actually explode. Closing his eyes against a flare of light so bright it seemed to almost be a physical blast, Belize was shocked to see only a few pebbles left when he opened his eyes.

The sound of a screaming Aerodactyl, wind whistling along with it, actually relieved him for a minute before he looked up. The thankfully high ceiling was crumbling slightly, and a very angry Aerodactyl was headed straight for the two of them.

"Christ!" Belize shouted for the second time in a few days, a large change for the usually mild-mannered man. The scientist shoved him outside, screaming that they had to find a place where they could fight. Though he wanted nothing more than to run from the Aerodactyl, Belize did agree that inside the laboratory it was too cramped. As luck would have it, there was a pond outside, man-made, to help with the heat of the Island. Calling out Gyarados without a thought, he stopped short, sneakers sinking into the muddy ground. Could he fight Aerodactyl? Did he dare? Once again, his old life reared its ugly head, sapping his confidence. Rather than knuckling under and fleeing from conflict, however, he cleared his dry throat, cringing at the disgusting taste it brought into his mouth, and told himself that he had to at least use an attack that would let them escape.

"Hydro Pump!" He shouted above the noise of Aerodactyl's rocky wings beating against the air. "NOW, Gyarados, please, please, hit it!"

Feeling as troubled as his trainer, Gyarados gave a choked scream, trying to call out to Aerodactyl even as it used Hydro Pump. The vibrations of the sound threw the water attack off terribly, only wetting Aerodactyl's wings. A vicious Take Down attack threw Gyarados underneath the water, red bruising due to broken capillaries already visible behind its scales, though Aerodactyl seemed a bit shaken too. The rock, Belize noted, had caused more damage, but hadn't protected Aerodactyl much. Perhaps that was because the Pokemon had been soaked in water as it had attacked.

‘Rock. God, I wish I still had my lucky rock,’ he thought. ‘I knew I shouldn’t have had it revived.’

"Bite!” he called aloud, only to be graced with a cold, and panicky, look from Gyarados, "Uh, ah, Hydro, no, Twister!"

The amendment seemed to be acceptable, as this new command was obeyed. A wild twister, though thankfully one that was controlled enough to be useful, was flung at Aerodactyl. The air flung the Pokemon away before the twister could absorb enough of the pond's water to really do damage, however, and Aerodactyl blew the Twister away immediately after, before following up with a Wing Attack. This attack was used not on Gyarados, but on a small tree, which was then tossed at Gyarados. The water type evaded it by ducking under water, but already, the debris that had been cast about by Aerodactyl's attack was making the water murky, and hard to see from underneath.


When Gyarados emerged, Aerodactyl was ready. It tried to use Supersonic, as it hovered above the wind-blown grass, some hit by such forceful winds that it had actually been torn free. Dirt patches, like bald spots on an aging man, littered the land portion of the battle field.

Thankfully, supersonic missed. However, while Gyarados knew better than to chomp on a rock, Aerodactyl had no such inhibition. The grey Pokemon swooped towards Gyarados, once again causing the wind to whistle like a warning alarm as so much of it was displaced so quickly. Once it reached the dragon-like water type, Aerodactyl roared loudly.

Refusing to be intimidated, Gyarados roared right back, straightening up. As it did so, however, a sharp pain bit into it. Aerodactyl's rocky, uneven tail was pressed into and then wrapped around its lower body, in a sort of unusual Crunch attack. Before the Pokemon could fight its way free, another, worse pain hit. Aerodactly lowered its mouth, sharp, evenly spaced teeth biting into the space between Gyarados' scales. The protective pieces were torn away, leaving the Pokemon in agony as Aerodactyl popped them out.

This, however, was not the worst of it. Before Gyarados could recover- he was seeing the same color as was leaking from his side- Aerodactyl bite down again. This time, rather than using his frontmost teeth like levers, he spread his entire mouth around Gyarados, trapping much of its body in the area missing several scales. The spots of blood dotting its body were nothing compared to the gaping wounds the Pokemon's teeth had opened up, leaving Gyarados unable to even call out in pain. The Pokemon writhed silently, face contorting, fangs going through his lips as he panicked and thrashed. Aerodactly clung to him like a Zangoose to a Seviper or Arbok, unwilling to let up unless or until it died, trying to chew its way right through the Pokemon.

Belize, standing a few feet away with wide-eyes and burning lungs, was not unlike his Pokemon now. The calluses on his hands were gone, and sharp metal was stuck through where they had been. He, however, was responsible for this himself, though not intentionally. As the air finally whooshed from his lungs- he could hold it in no longer- he unclenched his hands. Both held imprints from what he had been clinging to, a cross shaped charm gracing a little chain around his neck, and the right hand was bleeding slightly where the religious ornament had pricked him. It was like a blood sacrifice, Belize realized, as Gyarados stared at him. The Pokemon was desperate for him to do something, even call an attack despite being unable to fulfill any orders. He was totally unused to fighting creatures such as the rocky behemoth before it.

Slowly, however, Gyarados managed to pull away from the teeth cutting through his flesh. While he was bleeding, none of his organs had been hit, and so the Pokemon would live. In fact, as the wound began to seal over, the Pokemon grew eager to fight again. He was angry, and anger made him more aggressive. A loud roar shook the area, as he demonstrated to Belize that he could still fight.


“Hyper beam,” Belize said, feeling a little more confident. His expression remained the same, but he felt sure that this would work. Like pajamas fresh from the dryer on a winter night, a warm feeling enveloped him, as he watched his blue dragon bob up and down through the water, heading towards Aerodactyl. He was like a reed, Belize noticed, a thicky, scaly reed, weaving his way through the water as though it were part of a basket. One piece in the puzzle, the team… Though the team, his team, was small at the moment, consisting of only Gyarados.

As the Scientist stood by uselessly, Belize gave a satisfied sigh. A multi-colored beam flew from Gyarados’ mouth, and for a minute, he was sure that he had won. Again, he released the bloody pendant on his neck, barely aware of clutching to it in the first place, and watched the beam speed towards the revived Pokemon.

However, as Gyarados reared back, then fired off the immensely powerful beam, Aerodactyl barely moved. The light seemed to shatter, only slightly painfully, against its rocky exterior.

"Noooo!" Belize howled, knowing he must seem like an idiot, but not caring. Falling to his knees, he grabbed his face, as though he couldn't look, then leapt clumsily up again. Kicking the ground in a rage, he snatched up some of the scattered pebbles from the rock Aerodactyl had come from, and flung them at the flying fossil with all his might. They didn't even come close- Aerodactyl was far too high in the air- but that didn't seem to bother him. Nor did the dust in the bloody scrapes on his hands. In fact, in his fervor, he clutched his sharp-edged necklace more tightly, as though his own injury could bring the same to Aerodactyl, or perhaps even protect his Gyarados.

"Nyah!" something hissed, in a belated protest to the light of the Hyper Beam. To Belize's extreme surprise, the annoyed being whom he spotted when he glanced up at the roof was none other than a certain familiar-looking albino Meowth.

"I've heard of cats disappearing to another realm to avoid you when you try to find them, but this is ridiculous," Belize muttered, before feeling as though his eyes were about to pop from his head. The Meowth, perhaps mistaking the source of the eye-burning light, had leapt onto Aerodactyl's back.

"You're kidding me." Belize gaped at the Pokemon, as he realized that Aerodactyl had flinched. Sure, Meowth might be powerless against the larger rock type, but apparently it had shocked it. "Fake out," he muttered admiringly, as the Meowth took advantage of this hesitation.

Swaggering around on the flying rock's back as though it had not a care in the world, the Pokemon succeeded in confusing, but also angering, Aerodactyl. Its confusion, however, wasn't enough to prevent it from flinging Meowth from its back, through the roof of Greon's laboratory. Belize gulped and looked away as the cat hit, spotting blood on the rafters. It oozed down the glass of the sun dome. The Pokemon had hit a very unfortunate part of the house. It was almost certainly dead.

This was, however, enough to distract Aerodactyl from Gyarados, who had had time to recharge. In fact, hearing the chinking sound of moving scales was what tore Belize’s attention away from the morbid sight on the roof.
__________________

My hands have yet to build a village, have yet to find water in the barren desert, have yet to plant a flower, and I have yet to find the path that leads me... I have not loved enough, but the wind and the sun are still on my face.



I have yet to sow green fields, yet to raise a city, yet to plant a grapevine on each chalky hill... There is so much to build and so much to be, and my love is just beginning.

Last edited by FireflyK; 04-08-2007 at 02:03 AM.
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Old 03-13-2007, 02:31 AM
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Default Re: That's not a Fossil!, it's a..... Rock. (Part 2 of the Belize series)

"Hydro Pump," Belize said again, more quietly, swallowing compulsively. He wanted to pay attention to the battle, even if only to drown out seeing the Meowth’s death. Capturing Aerodactyl, though he wasn’t sure the rock was lucky anymore or even worth catching, was a good distraction.

This time, the powerful beam of water connected squarely with Aerodactyl's stomach. Gyarados’ aim had been true. The water would almost be nice in this hot weather, in Belize's mind, but apparently Aerodactyl felt differently, for it shuddered. However, the rock type rose quickly, and Belize nearly suffocated on his own spit as he inhaled sharply in a startled gasp, feeling it go down the wrong pipe. Fighting a harsh cough, he hoarsely shouted, "Again!"

Another beam of water, perhaps a bit weaker than the last, was pumped out with the force of a fire hose. This time, Aerodactyl lay back for a minute after the water hit, panting. The Pokemon’s shoulder blade, near one of its wings, had chipped from the collision with the hard ground. Not about to let up and give it time to recover, Belize decided to finish the battle in style as something new leapt into his mind.

"There's no Pokemon like a Dragon, even a centuries old fossil," He muttered smugly, even as his knees shook and quaked. "Gyara, let's finish this with a Dragon Rage."

Feeling frustrated, at the least, with Aerodactyl, this wasn't a hard command for Gyarados to obey. Diving into the water and then reemerging, its face set into a hard expression, it roared. Vividly colored blue fire poured from its mouth, directly at Aerodactyl. Fire, in general, was no good against Rock types, but this fire seemed to be enough to melt rock, just as the fires of Moltres and a few other Pokemon were said to be. Aerodactyl, who’d gotten up and tried to fly away, was hit directly. He dropped like the heavy stone type that he was, falling directly into the pool.

"Nyah," The Meowth repeated more irritatedly, from where it had been hiding beside the house. One paw was held limply from going through the roof, and a long scrape down its back had a scab of a size that suggested it had bled profusely before scabbing, but otherwise it had seemed alright... Until the splash of Aerodactyl's belly flop had hit it. Belize had the distinct feeling that the Pokemon was advising that he catch Aerodactyl before it recovered (Or perhaps just cursing him and his family for generations to come for soaking it), and he decided it was good advice. Well, the first option, at least. He did, however, nearly wet himself when the cat Pokemon gave out an inhuman scream, thrashing forwards. The water wasn’t very clean, and it burned the Pokemon’s wounds.

Recovering, Belize fumbled about for his belongings. Slipping a scratched Pokeball from his bag, the last relic of his old life as a poor, pokemonless factory worker, he frowned in concentration as Meowth passed out, becoming silent. Belize flung the Pokeball at Aerodactyl. Embarrassingly, he missed, and watched as it sunk into the water. Aerodactyl stirred soon after, however, and as it tried to move, its tail brushed the Pokeball.

'Good enough,' Belize thought as a familiar red light began to envelop the flying fossil he wanted to capture, and he stood back to leave some space as he watched to see if he had caught it. Beside him, feeling that the battle was winding down, Gyarados relaxed, then leaned over. The Pokemon slowly licked the blood from where his bruise skin had split, the effort of the battle leaving him weak. Had the Aerodactyl not been weak, not been dead for so long, he would never have had a chance against it. Now, the rock type's natural state was worse than Gyarados' with its current assorted injuries. Over time, after all, reflexes had dulled, the world Aerodactyl had known had changed, and muscle had worn away. Even stone crumbled after enough time.
__________________

My hands have yet to build a village, have yet to find water in the barren desert, have yet to plant a flower, and I have yet to find the path that leads me... I have not loved enough, but the wind and the sun are still on my face.



I have yet to sow green fields, yet to raise a city, yet to plant a grapevine on each chalky hill... There is so much to build and so much to be, and my love is just beginning.

Last edited by FireflyK; 04-08-2007 at 01:33 AM.
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Old 03-27-2007, 12:10 AM
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Default Re: That's not a Fossil!, it's a..... Rock. (Part 2 of the Belize series)

I apologize you had to wait so long for a grade for this, Carly. But, you know how active the story section has been.

Story/Plot: It’s not that this is a bad story, but because it’s for an Aerodactyl, it needs to be near perfect. In my opinion, the storylines you’ve had in stories for simpler mons were much more creative than this. “Man trips over fossil, keeps it, has a brief run in with Team Rocket, flies to Cinnabar, and has the fossil reincarnated.” You added some nice description and a few interesting stallers along the way, but other than that, this story seemed to be missing something.

I liked the bond Belize had with Gyarados, though. It’s interesting to read the trainer’s interaction with his Pokemon apart from them being mindless drones. Unfortunately, because you’re shooting for a creature from the Demanding category, creativity is highly depended on. It looks to me like you were just in a rush to finish this, and didn’t quite spend enough time to really think over a way to make the plot stand out.

Grammer/Spelling: Again, I think you rushed this. There were several misspellings and even more missed capitalizations. The word “Pokemon” is always capitalized and you left it lower cased throughout the entire story, nearly. I suggest you run this through Word and really read it over. A lot of errors should just pop up with the green or red underlines.
Quote:
“Oh, sorry.” Belize said, as though he hadn’t noticed.
I’m not sure if you forgot, or maybe you were just rushing again, but dialogue ends the same way every time unless the following sentence can stand on its own.

“Oh, sorry,” Belize said, as though he hadn’t noticed.

Comma, comma, comma. The quote always ends in a comma. ;P And because you followed it up with a proper name, there’s no need to lower case the first word after the quote here. I’m pretty sure you know the correct dialogue usage now, especially after all the times I’ve told, but most of your speech was written this way. I’m sure it was out of habit, but even the little mistakes are more important to avoid when you start writing past the Hard category. Please go back and look at the dialogue again.

You’ve never had a big problem with grammar, but for some reason this particular story has gotten the worst of it, and unfortunately, here is where it matters more. My advice here is just to reread the story, slowly, and through Word, and I’m sure you’d be able to find nearly all of the errors.

Detail/Description: Normally you’re stories flood with vivid details; and if not the whole story, I can usually count on the battles to. But for some reason, this story didn’t quite have that much description at all. Yes, I could pretty much picture everything that happened, but the higher in difficulty you aim, the more details and creativity needs to be added. I liked this here, though:

Quote:
A vicious Take Down attack threw Gyarados underneath the water, red bruising due to broken capillaries already visible behind its scales, though Aerodactyl seemed a bit shaken too.
That was the best I’ve ever heard Take Down described.

Anyway, for the mon you’re aiming for, I think a much more descriptively original storyline is in order.

Length: It was enough, but again length is really unimportant; just a guide for what the writer should expect how in depth their plot should be. I really suggest you take some time to think up something really creative, like you normally do. Sometimes when the author really likes what they’ve come up with, length just comes easily. Enough of my rambling, all I’m really trying to say is that it’s much better for you to have an extraordinary plot than a endless story.

Reality: The only thing I couldn’t really see happening was how easily Belize found the fossil. In my opinion, I think he should have gone through great trouble to get it, instead of just randomly tripping over it in the midst of a Pokemon battle. Just a suggestion.

Battle: I’d say this was your strongest area. But still, for an Aerodactyl I’d think it should be total world domination. XD I know the reasons why you’d written it to be a bit of an easy fight for Gyarados, but I think Aerodactyl should have fought back a little more. While dodging attacks is fine, the ancient Pokemon should have really packed a wallop.

For me, the battle should be so brutal that both Pokemon are near fainted. Gyarados does have the type advantage, but because of the rarity and strength of the fossil, a much more even match should have been written. Every writer has their own style, and you can really do anything you want with it, but I think the battle just needs something……more

Outcome: This was really hard for me. You had length, and it was an okay plot, but because of the rarity and difficulty of the Pokemon you aim to catch, I think you need something else here. It was so close, but I have to say Aerodactyl not captured. I’m so sorry. Just run this through Word again to find all the grammar issues, and maybe spend some time to think of things to add to it. Feel free to IM and we can talk about it there if you have any questions or things you want discuss. I’m sure you just wrote this too fast or something. <3



EDIT: Okay, you did an awesome job editing this. I'm really glad you took my advice, especially with that final battle against the dragon. Much, much better. You fixed all the dialouge, all the grammar, and you even added in loads of new description. I really liked this best:

Quote:
Feeling frustrated, at the least, with Aerodactyl, this wasn't a hard command for Gyarados to obey. Diving into the water and then reemerging, its face set into a hard expression, it roared. Vividly colored blue fire poured from its mouth, directly at Aerodactyl. Fire, in general, was no good against Rock types, but this fire seemed to be enough to melt rock, just as the fires of Moltres and a few other Pokemon were said to be. Aerodactyl, who’d gotten up and tried to fly away, was hit directly. He dropped like the heavy stone type that he was, falling directly into the pool.
That was fantastic. Really, I don't have anything to critique. The plot is still a tad dull, but you improved loads since the first grade. You've earned yourself the Fossil in my opinion. Aerodactyl captured! Remember that an extremely creative story is needed for Demanding and above though. I think you should keep this rock to yourself, no sharing. >:o
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Last edited by EmBreon; 04-08-2007 at 02:49 AM.
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