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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 02-14-2007, 07:28 PM
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Default Frontier's Bane (PG-13)

well, here's my first ever fanfic,and its a little dramatic if a say so myself, being as there will be some violence, sexual themes, sex and some swearing so i put this as a rating of a general PG-13 but in some places, it will increase to a 15 or maybe even an R (whatever that means) as there most likey WILL be sexual content in it. however, i will warn you at the beggining if there is anything of that sort.

I would be grateful for any comments and constructive critisms you would like to make about it but please don't complain about the fact that it seems to link to much to the anime/games/manga as this fic is about what the Frontier Brains did before Scott chose them to be in the Frontier.
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or Pokémon that are originally from the Nintendo pokemon games and from the pokemon anime and manga

Prologue: The party of hellish passion

Prologue: “The party of hellish passion”
(warning, contains some serious sexual themes )
~Annabel~

It was before I was in the famous Battle Frontier when I was only Twenty-one, my twenty-first birthday. Ruined by one man that would haunt me for the rest of my life…


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


We were walking though he high street in Olivine city, as you do on a Saturday with your best friend, and of course on your birthday.
It was quite the weather for it too; happy sunshine but not too hot, light breezes, and I could see the deep calm blue sea that lay beyond the port. We walked up to a bench on the quay side and sat down heavily on the simple weatherworn wooden bench. I took a deep sigh and surveyed the shopping bags that surrounded me, filled with various clothes and other meaningless items that I would never really use. They were all presents from Belinda, quite a nice person, chatty, a little girly but rather down to earth, which isn’t really that expected as she did came from an important family and that her dad owned this huge shipping company, hence the overblown shopping trip.

“Do you fancy going clubbing later?”

It wasn’t my idea but Belinda’s. Belinda was the party girl sort but wasn’t, in fact, I was pretty scared to go clubbing again having had not the best experiences before. The tight spaces, the heat, the obscenely loud music. But I gave in for the sake of that friendship even though it wouldn’t last the night.

And so we went, meeting up outside the large metallic building that was the Olivine gym to go together to the club. I can’t remember what it’s called but I didn’t care. I spend the whole time before choosing what to wear and trying to tell myself that I would enjoy a night out for once. In the end I choose to wear a white knee length skirt and a simple aquamarine top that was tight enough to show off my breasts a little. I went inside the club after waiting in the queue for ages in the cool summer night with Belinda and my mind could help but cry out in shame because she was just so much better looking than me, with her medium build and height and long locks of glossy raven coloured hair waving around her near perfect face. But I hid that thought. I was always good at hiding my feelings.

I knew I wasn’t the prettiest girl around, being rather petite and with my hair dyed lilac and cut short to match my unusual lilac-tinted blue eyes, but I still thought I’d make an effort to attract at least someone’s attention. The bouncer, with his Machoke behind him, looked at me as I walked in, his eyes hiding behind his shades but I knew they looked over at me, examining me. Belinda grabbed my hand suddenly and dragged me inside, the loud noise hitting me worse than a hyper voice attack from an Exploud and deafening my ears; the bass beat vibrating though the floor sending shivers through my body. Belinda continued to drag me further into the crowd of maniacs dancing in front of the stage, seemingly oblivious to the noise. The noise must have been getting to me because I suddenly stopped myself from moving, and doing the same to Belinda.

“Where are we going?” I shouted desperately at Belinda but the music stole away my words. Belinda looked at me quizzically and I, seeing complete defeat, mouthed the words to her in a rather exaggerated fashion.
After a few tries, Belinda finally got the message and instead of doing what I did, she simply pointed in a general vicinity behind her and motioned me to follow her, which I did as I was secretly glad to get away from the dance floor.

It turned out Belinda was heading for the girls bathroom. We stepped inside, Belinda pushing the door roughly but it didn’t make a registered noise to me, as I was temporality deaf. It was quite drab in there, being as it was once covered in sparkling white tiles but time and ill use had worn down the colour to a miserable depressing grey like shade but I was immensely thankful of the walls which dampened the noise of the rave a little.

There were already a couple of women in there, doing as they do, taking a breather, smoking, redoing make-up and re-arranging their clothing in the hope of getting laid, chatting with someone else because they could actually hear each other. There was also a faint lingering smell of booze and I noticed a rather dazed looking blonde in one of the cubicles wrenching onto the toilet. My attention drifted back towards Belinda who had walked over to one of the sinks on the counter and lifted up her hand bag onto it and began searching furiously though it.

I walked over to her and leaned on the counter casually, my back facing the mirror but my piercing lilac eyes glued at her small bag that Belinda was rummaging though. “What are you doing Belinda?” I asked simply and straight to the point.

Just when the words left my mouth, Belinda stopped and pulled out two small square packages and shoved them into my hand along with about £50 of cash. All I could do was let my mouth hang open so Belinda filled in the gap.

“Look, its your birthday, so I’m giving you an extra special treat and I also took the liberty to go get you some condoms just in case ok? Spend the money and enjoy yourself girl! Have fun and go find someone!” it was at this point that Belinda shoved me back out through the bathroom door and back into the roar of music, to which Belinda promptly wandered off into the mass of people and left me by the swinging bathroom door wondering what I do as I was abandoned by my best friend.

Looking around, I felt a drawing urge to drown myself in something, anything to just disappear and I instinctively calmed myself, taking deep breaths of the stale air, but seeing how that didn’t work, I suddenly remembered that Belinda made me £50 pounds richer and seeing as every club, weather licensed or not, sold alcohol it was worth a shot. Hoping the bar was in the direction I was walking in, I melted into the crowd. I could feel my heart beating a little to wildly than I wanted it to and I found myself becoming hot as the steamy atmosphere began to take hold of my body, along with possible bruises from being constantly shoved about.

As luck would have it, I was eventually pushed out of the mass of lunatics on to the bar where I saw the barman skilfully throw one of those mixers into the air and catch it again to which he poured the contents into a glass in front of me.

As I collapsed onto one of the bar stools, the barman began cleaning a glass with dishcloth and he smiled at me. I could feel my cheeks glow red slightly even though he wasn’t that good looking, in fact he looked quite weatherworn and in need of a shave unless he had recently decided to grow a beard and his messy and thick brown hair hung all over the place. I saw his dark eyes glance over to my right and I followed his gaze.

A man has sat down on the bar stool next to me. The bane of my life. He was just a little shorter than me, wearing a pink polo shirt, simple jeans and with short light brown hair, but for some unknown reason he was wearing shades and he turned his head slightly and I could almost feel his eyes on me. Feeling a little disturbed, I asked the barman for a drink of some cocktail called a ‘Fizzer’ hoping a little that the man would go away.

Sadly he did the opposite, moving closer to me and offered to pay for my drink. I said no and was about to hand the barman the money for the drink but the man got there first and paid for it. I murmured a quiet and barely audible thanks to him as I sipped the drink. As sharp flavour of vodka mixed with some other substances hit my tongue and I put down the drink carefully, wincing slightly from the shock but enjoying the interesting mix of the aftertaste. I looked at the man who was silently staring at me.

“What do you want?” I asked impatiently. This man was starting to annoy me.

“Oh nothing…yet. I’m just watching your pretty face that’s all” the man moved closer to me and I felt the hand of his hand glide gently over my cheek. I resisted him and moved back a little and he withdrew his hand and I saw his smile waver. His face must have triggered something because I could feel my face soften. I downed the rest of my cocktail; stood up and paused to get my bearings as the alcohol worked it’s way though my body before walking back into the crowd to dance a little.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I came back to the bar again and ordered another of those 'Frizzy?', err ‘Frizzers?’. It was...err…my 7th visit now to order that drink. I found I had gained a liking to fruity alcoholic beverage and its strange sweet burning sensation constantly in my mouth and I could feel the heat of the drink warming my body. That man was still sitting at the bar, watching me as I came back to the bar and then off again. As I was taking a breather, he slide up close to me, so close I could smell his aftershave faintly on him and the warmth that radiated from his body.

“Err…what are you doing?” even as I said it, I felt stupid. I knew what he wanted and I was, to be honest, to drunk to care. He simply smiled as if I had told a joke and then leapt onto to me, his lips crashing on to mine.

Natural reactions took control and I leapt backwards from him. My booze inflicted mind trying desperately to think something, but all I could think of was that my heart was beating quickly and I was taking deep and hard breaths as if I had been running for my life. I looked at the man who looked around a little uncertainly, shocked from my reaction and I just stood there dumfounded.

The man plucked up the courage again and leaned forward and whispered in my ear if we should go somewhere a little more private. I instantly blushed bright pink and looked into his shades, wondering for a split second what his intensions were and weather or not I should say yes or no.

You can’t control fate.

I said “all right” and he held me hand and he half dragged half pulled me after him with me taking unsteady and drunken steps, though the boozed up people where we eventually found ourselves in a dimly lit, empty corridor, which I faintly registered in my mind that it lead out to the emergency exit. The man stopped and turned around slowly and pulled me closer to him and we held each other as we made out.

But something happened with him; I felt him became more assertive and he pushed me against the wall, my arms, which were wrapped around him now tried desperately to push him off. A bitter taste entered my mouth as I felt him move one of his hands slide up my leg, his other hand groping my body in a desperate attempt to keep me still as he pinned me with his body to the white plaster that lay behind me.

In a desperate attempt, I gave a final push and he stepped back a little, just enough for me to cry out for help but he leapt back at me and in self-defence; I scratched at his face and in the process, whipping his shades off his face revealing his eyes, light brown with a red tint.

A predators eyes.

I let out a scream, which he covered with his hands, dampening the noise. I heard him whisper things, things that I didn’t register in my terrified brain. I felt him open his zipper in his jeans and his hand go up my skirt. I was paralysed with shock and my eyes opened wider with the horror that was that I felt him within me, penetrating my defences to my core. I could sense his every motion and my mind just collapsed, mental and physical barriers shattering like nothing.

I watched him, my mind turning cold at his actions as he left, picking up his fashionable shades and walk out of the emergency exit, redoing up his zipper. After he left, I fell slowly to the floor, curling up my legs and hugged them and I just stared at the blank wall, my mind being the same, blank, numb, emotionless, devoid of life.

Warm salty tears fell across my cheeks, trying to comfort me from life's cruelty...
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  #2  
Old 02-15-2007, 04:20 PM
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Default Re: Frontier's Bane (PG-13)

I skimmed through it. But it's pretty good.
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  #3  
Old 02-15-2007, 05:58 PM
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Default Re: Frontier's Bane (PG-13)

well, err, thanks i suppose - i'll stick up Chappie one on Saturday so see what you think then!
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Old 02-15-2007, 06:10 PM
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Default Re: Frontier's Bane (PG-13)

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Originally Posted by Silver-wind View Post
well, err, thanks i suppose - i'll stick up Chappie one on Saturday so see what you think then!
Great! I want more.
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  #5  
Old 02-17-2007, 10:02 AM
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Default Re: Frontier's Bane (PG-13)

Chapter one: Bad News
~Noland~

I pushed open the glass door lazily to the gymnasium, like I did every morning. I liked routine. It’s simple, easy and you notice things more. I walked past the front desk and nodded at the receptionist, giving a sly wink for a laugh. I saw her look up at me and smile as she always did.

I walked though another set of door, this time wooden and looked upon the familiar sight of the gym, all the exercise machines lined up, metallic and unmoving. A faint smell of chlorine wafted from the nearby swimming pool, leaving an odd smell that mixed in with the lingering smell body odour and of a little metal. Sunlight streamed though the windows, all lined up on one wall and being reflected around the large room with the cleverly placed floor-to-ceiling mirrors, making a reasonable attempt at making a light and airy atmosphere.

I walked over to one of the rowing machines near the back of the room, passing the odd early exerciser, my trainers giving a slight echo on the carpet. When I got I placed my gym bag on to the floor and took off my white coat and red hat and laid them on top of my bag, climbed on to the rowing machine and began working out.

I felt the air-con above me, cooling my arms as I worked out with regular beats, backwards, forwards, backwards, forwards…

I walked though the crowd, my hand in my trouser pocket holding on to a pack of cigarettes as I used my other hand to push people out the way. It was the end of my shift behind the bar and I needed it. Jeez, I need a new job as well but I didn’t care. I finally got to the corridor that led out to the fire exit. It wasn’t that cold outside – actually, it was quite warm being late summer and all, and all I was wearing was my black sleeveless shirt and black trousers with my boots. But as I walk up to that familiar green door, I saw something in the way.

It was a girl I saw in the bar earlier, the girl wearing the white skirt and had all those “fizzer’s”. And she was crying. Joy to me. But as walked past her, she looked up at me with those unusual lilac blue eyes. I stopped and looked at her fragile face littered with tears. I softened my expression and knelt down slowly and leaned against the wall with her. I felt something well up inside me, something funny, like I was only put here right at this moment to comfort this girl I have never seen before tonight. So I just sat there, next to her, smoking a cigarette like nobody’s business.

I dunno how long I sat there, but after about three cigarettes, she just lent against my shoulder and cried on me. So I did what all blokes do when they have a crying girl on their shoulder; put an arm around then and let them cry it out…


I sighed and stopped for a breather. So I met Annabel. Another close and quiet friend of mine. But now I have to leave. So this is it eh? I walked silently over to one of the running machines and set it up, fiddling around with those useless buttons until the damn thing began to work at a steady pace. I always used this time to think. So that’s it, confirmed. I was going to go travelling, my long awaited dream. I’ve done what I wanted in Olivine city; go in the famous Olivine University, get a degree in the studies of various pokemon subjects and hey! I even became friends with the new gym leader Jasmine.

But now I want to leave and explore the world, but that would mean leaving Annabel. Could I face that? Well it’s a good thing I asked to meet up with her later…I suppose. I stopped the machine and looked at the distance I had run. 3km. I shrugged to myself. It a little shorter than I normally ran but it will do.

I walked off the running machine and jogged lightly over to my gym bag and carried it to the showers and changing rooms and dumped the bag on a bench and began taking off my clothes.

As I took my shirt, I noticed a blonde haired man across me look over my direction. As I met his gaze, he looked away sharply and grabbed his towel. It was only now that I realised he was naked and soaking wet from getting out of the shower. I looked away, my cheeks going slightly red and I took of the rest of my sweaty clothes and headed towards the showers. As I walked past the man, I saw him gaze at me with a little smile before walking off to the mirror to check his hair.

As I stood underneath the cascading hot water, I couldn’t help but feel flattered. Ok, I didn’t actually know that bloke was gay or not but…well, I was flattered, and a little freaked. I grinned like a kid and picked up the bottle of shower gel I brought with me and began to wash myself.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The sun shone on my face dimly though the grey and depressing clouds of early spring. I brought my hand up and tucked my red hat down to shield my eyes as I walked towards Olivine’s most famous building – apart from the newly built trainer tower and the gym of course.

I walked along the simplest route, along the seafront and around the quay, my gym bag slung on my back and my bare arms chilled from the fresh breeze. My gaze fell along to the bats moored up and protected by the sea walls, the wide variety of sea crafts, small boats to the large ferry that boarded passengers on the pier.

An old man waved a short hello from a bench as I reached the entrance to the great building. This was where Annabel said to meet her. Actually, this is where Annabel always said to meet her but when I tried to get her to meet up with me anywhere else, she said no and something about liking it so I never bothered anymore.

I pushed open the large door and I looked within the walls made of stone of the lighthouse, the smell of the sea nearly extinguishing all the other smells. Oh well, better start climbing. As I walked up the cold and wooden steps, I realised that I was glad this wasn’t summer. Then, there would be tourists and trainers all over the place and going up or down would be a serious danger hazard.

After a couple of hundred steps, I came upon the first platform. This was a resting area for the people and I needed it. What annoyed me even more about this place was that Annabel could always reach the top with out needing a breather, whereas I, who works out every morning, need a rest on each ‘rest floor’! Oh well, that’s life I suppose.

I carried on upwards onto the second floor. By now, I could hear the steady moan of the wind from this height and the dirty windows let in blasts of light which burned me a little as I walked past.

On the second platform, I saw the first person in the lighthouse. He was quite young, about thirty with black hair and the clothes he was wearing made him look a bit like a sailor and plus he looked bored. Needing a rest myself, I joined him on the bench he was sitting on.

‘Tired?’ asked the sailor as I sat down.

‘Huh! Understatement’ I replied cheerily. The Sailor grinned and looked in front of him and though the window in front of us and fiddled with something in his pocket.

‘Err…I know this is a bit random but would you mind if we had a battle? I work on the ferry and well…its not leaving for another 2 hours and I’m a little bored and all so…?’ blurted out the sailor. I looked at him with genuine surprise and with a smile because I was right in my assumption on him being a sailor. ‘Err…I sorta noticed your pokeballs on your belt underneath your white coat so I assume you’re a trainer?’ he added uncertainly.

I raised an eyebrow. ‘Yeah, alright then’, I said, ‘nothing like a little battle to cheer someone up eh?’ I added mostly to myself and nodded pleasantly and walked over to the one end of the floor while o noticed the sailor to the same. When I reach the side, I shouted over to the sailor to ask his name.

‘Jack’, he replied and took out a pokeball from his pocket. I reached my hand behind me and took out a pokeball from my belt. I hope Annabel wouldn’t mind me being a little late would she?

‘Lets go Dinner!’ cried Jack as he held out the pokeball in front of him and let it open to reveal the crab-like pokemon known as a Kingler. I raised my eyebrow again.

‘Dinner?’ I said with a smirk. Jack gave out a short and hearty laugh.

‘It’s my little joke, and Dinner doesn’t mind do you?’ the large crab pokemon grinned and waved its large pincer side to side. ‘ok then, send your pokemon out…err…?’

‘My name’s Noland mate’ I said and held out a pokeball, which opened up to materialise into a Kadabra. Both pokemon looked at each other and squared up for a fight, Kadabra spinning his spoon. ‘Shall we?’

‘You’re on mate. Dinner! Start off with a bubble beam to Kadabra’s face!’ yelled Jack as he pointed at Kadabra. Dinner took on a serious face and copied Jack’s movement and pointed his open large claw at Kadabra and fired strange blue orbs that came charging at the psi pokemon. Just as they were about to hit though, I quietly ordered Kadabra to defect the ‘bubbles’ with confusion.

The psychic pokemon’s eyes grew bright nimbus blue and the bubbles were sent flying off back to Dinner in a wave of psychic energy, bubbles and all.

‘Shall we make this a little more interesting?’ panted Jack mockingly, the confusion attack had thrown him off his feet. ‘Dinner! Crab hammer attack!’

‘Kadabra! Reflect!’ I said.

The pincer pokemon scuttled over quicker than I thought and swung his oversized pincer at my pokemon but Kadabra just managed to erect a barrier to defend the blow just in time but the attack still left a ringing sound.

‘Kadabra, disable that attack and use future sight quick!’ I cried desperately at my straining pokemon.

As the pincer pokemon came to attack again, the Psi pokemon brought his spoon in a swinging motion downward and a grey shadow shot itself from Kadabra to Kingler who stopped moving and looked at his trainer for the next order. Kadabra to this moment to concentrate on summoning the future sight attack but Jack ordered his pokemon to use mud shot.

Using his pincer as a gun, Dinner held his claw forward and fired lumps of mud from it at the vulnerable psychic pokemon and sending him flying into the stonewall behind.

I ran to him and knelt down to see if he was ok. Kadabra looked at me and nodded and I helped get back up again.

Kadabra walked forward and glared the crab pokemon just looked back cheerily. Jack looked at me and laughed.

‘Alrighty then, Dinner! Bubble beam again!’ cried Jack to his pokemon.

‘Kadabra! Use your shock wave to burst those bubbles!’ I countered.

Kadabra began spinning his spoon and controlled heightened static electricity shot out of the spoon, demolishing the beam of bubbles from the water pokemon that fired them. I noticed the electric attack cause the air around the crab pokemon to crackle with electricity due to water moisture in the air conducting electricity and I told Kadabra to get away.

Kadabra jump backwards just as the Kingler was shocked from all the static in the air, enabling him paralysed. I leaped up in triumph and punched the air.

‘Finish him off Kadabra! Psycho Cutter!’ I cried, victory shining in my eyes as my psychic pokemon charged forward, his spoon elongating into a blade, readying for the attack.

‘Do you think you’ve won Noland?’ said Jack casually as Kadabra neared his goal, ‘think again mate’.

‘Wha-’. I stopped myself as I saw my grave error. The electrically charged water particles in the air were still floating around Kingler and my pokemon had just ran though it all to reach his target. I saw my Kadabra stiffen just as he was about strike down the crab pokemon and I buried my face in my hand in sadness. Jack finished it.

‘Dinner! Guillotine!’ with Kadabra completely immobilised from the charged up water particles on his fur, Kadabra stood no chance of avoiding the claw grasp his waist and throw him against the wall and knock him out for the count.

I drew out my Kadabra’s pokeball and returned him so that he could have a rest. I sighed and walked over to Jack and held out my hand, which Jack accepted.

‘Well done mate, you deserved that win.’ I said, recognising my defeat as a hard lesson that had to be learnt.

‘No problem, it was fun and don’t be hard on yourself, you know what you’re doing. Oh well, better be off and back down to the ferry’, Jack turned around and began walking down the stairs. ‘See ya around Noland’ called Jack back up the stairs.

I laughed and turned around to walk up the stairs when Annabel walked down on to the floor.

‘Hey Annabel! Err…sorry I’m late, I…err…’ I said nervously. Something about her just made you feel…shy.

‘Don’t worry, I know you had a battle, but lets go up to the top’ said Annabel quietly and she turned back up the stairs.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The distant sound of the sea reach our ears as we stood on the outside platform by the light of the lighthouse. I leaned back on the railings and watched her standing with her arms crossed, Annabel, young and pretty with beautifully unusual eyes, staring out to the sea; hopeful said a little voice in the back of my mind.

I turned my gaze back into the light of the lighthouse and saw my good friend Jasmine tend to her Ampharos. I smiled as I remembered her from University – her famous nickname, ‘the girl of iron defences’ and now gym leader. She saw me looking at her and waved at me and I have a short and cheerful wave back.

‘That was a good battle by the way Noland even though you lost’

I turned a little to quickly to face Annabel. ‘Well, err… thanks Anna.’ I brought my right hand up and held my neck, waiting for something else to be said. She said it.

‘Why did you ask to meet me Noland?’ whispered Annabel, barely audible to me as the wind nearly stole away her words away. I took a deep breath. This is it.

‘Annabel, I’m sorry but…I’m going to go travelling around the world and I’m leaving tomorrow’.

I paused to see anything from my words take effect, the questions, the anger, but nothing happened. She just looked at the sea, which stretched out over the horizon. Listening. Something glittered down her face but she stood still.

‘I’ve planned this for a while now but wanted to tell you but there was so much to do, rent out the apartment and all the paperwork and…I…I’m sorry Anna’.

I couldn’t take this: the silent treatment, the pressure. I put my hand on her shoulder to give some comfort but she shrugged it off and walked slowly away from me to the other side of the platform. I sighed and walked down the steps that led to the base of the lighthouse.

------------------------------


oooookay then, there chappie one, a little boring i think but ok but please comment your thoughts please! and any advice i will recieve graiciously!
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  #6  
Old 02-17-2007, 10:11 AM
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Default Re: Frontier's Bane (PG-13)

You put up the new chap and don't PM me? Anyway great chapter. Love the battle.
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Old 02-17-2007, 10:19 AM
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Default Re: Frontier's Bane (PG-13)

thanks! now i just need some other people to comment on this...
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Old 02-17-2007, 10:20 AM
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Default Re: Frontier's Bane (PG-13)

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thanks! now i just need some other people to comment on this...
I know. I'm the only 1 who reads this. I'm 11!
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  #9  
Old 02-17-2007, 11:29 AM
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Default Re: Frontier's Bane (PG-13)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deoxys200 View Post
I know. I'm the only 1 who reads this. I'm 11!
and you should be 13 to read this ^_- well, i warned you so be careful - this will turn very VERY sexual later on
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Old 02-17-2007, 11:31 AM
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Default Re: Frontier's Bane (PG-13)

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Originally Posted by Silver-wind View Post
and you should be 13 to read this ^_- well, i warned you so be careful - this will turn very VERY sexual later on
Yeah you warned me. I'll be careful.
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  #11  
Old 02-17-2007, 06:10 PM
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Default Re: Frontier's Bane (PG-13)

You should be aware, Silver, that even though I wasn't replying, I'm still following along

Good story overall. You're a good writer.
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  #12  
Old 02-17-2007, 06:39 PM
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Default Re: Frontier's Bane (PG-13)

thank you! i think i'll update to chapter two on tuesday is i can btw people...
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  #13  
Old 02-18-2007, 11:17 AM
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Default Re: Frontier's Bane (PG-13)

Very nice.

Like I said before, I've read it on Serebii before, but that makes it no better or worse. It's a good story, and highly unusual. There have been a few Pokémon stories that can pull off sex without it being cheesy. So far (judging by the Prologue) you're doing it well, and all I can hope for is for this to keep going at the rate it is going right now.

I only have one complaint. See, you're writing is very captivating, and found myself stuck to the monitor until I finished the Chapter. But when it came to the battle, I began to get distracted and change the music I was listening to, or type up another paragraph in my story. Now, I know this is one aspect that very few authors have pulled off well, but you should really try to make the Pokémon battle more...entertaining. Try shortening your sentences when action takes place. Use sentences like this:

He waited. Then, when the Krabby closed in, he jumped. Not a high jump, but a swift one. To the right; role to the left. Now, Psybeam!

I know it's not perfect, but it's something to work on. Yes, I know that that particular scene didn't happen in your Chapter, but I was giving an example. But apart from that, this really is an awesome story, and I hope to see it prosper.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Silver-wind
Warm salty tears fell across my cheeks, trying to comfort me from life's cruelty...
My favourite line; very emo.

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  #14  
Old 02-18-2007, 02:11 PM
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Default Re: Frontier's Bane (PG-13)

*nods* i get what you mean dude. lol, sadly, you've pointed out my weak points - battles and Grammar. but thanks for your advice and i will try and use it for future. ^_^
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  #15  
Old 02-18-2007, 08:50 PM
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Default Re: Frontier's Bane (PG-13)

lol I see your not happy with currupting one site with this story Silver XD
I'm still enjoying it, its just I've already read up to chapter 3 on the other site, btw i'm curious are you going to update this on both sites at the same time?
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