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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #16  
Old 03-14-2007, 05:22 AM
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Default Re: Susaska Vanorostt's Chronicals

((I'm sorry for the hole, "no battle" thing, but I wanted something... mmm... different, yes a battle would've been nice, but a jolly cute little Shpeal doesn't deserve to be hurt, lol, and alright, battles for now one, strong, and intense. Also thanks for not kissing me.))

CHAPTER 3: THEN ALONG CAME A SWEET SENT!


The ball urged violently in Susaska's hands, and Susaska waited for it to open, or stop. Whitney peered over to watch as the world all around them got silent. Nothing spoke, nothing drank, nothing moved, or so it seamed to Susaska. The ball had its last movement then settled down, and softly rested in Susaska's dry hands. Susaska shot up and put the ball up to the sky and yelled, "Yea, I caught Shpeal! Alright, now to let our little buddy out." Susaska sat down with a thousand smiles all crammed into one. He pushed the button on the pokeball, and then let it open up. A beam of light arched out of the round mysterious ball and Shpeal appeared on the ground. Shpeal clapped with its two little blue flippers and squeaked gaily.

Growlithe came over and bounced up and down yipping with glee for his friend, and now new team mate. Torchic leaped for joy from the ground at it chirped and squeaked for the blue little seal pokemon that stood, or sat, before them clapping. Whitney said, "Alright! You caught Shpeal, so are you going to name him?" "Name him? What do you mean, he already has a name, and it’s Shpeal." Susaska questioned. Whitney replied with the "I know everything" tone and said, "Well, some trainers nickname their pokemon names so that they can remember them, or just because they might not like the name of the original pokemon." "Well, I think Shpeal fits Shpeal perfectly, and I'm not going to change it, just for those reasons." Susaska chimed back. "Okay, suit you’re self. Well, I better get going, I have to be back at the hotel, and it's getting late. I'll be seeing you around, Susaska, okay?!" Whitney said, as she started walking off toward the hotel. "Yea, see you later, Whitney!" Susaska yelled back at her.

He waved good bye at her until she was out of sight, then packed up most of his things before saying, "Alright guys, time to go home, we'll take a nap until it's 11:20, then we’ll come back here, because, at midnight, they have this awesome show of dazzling fireworks, there be clowns, performers, trapeze artists, and much, much, more. Oh, you guys will love it, I can just tell!" Growlithe yipped, Shpeal squeaked, and Torchic chirped with glee and anxiety. When Susaska got up he smelled a very fantastic smell in the air, it was like flower pedals, with creamy vanilla, mixed with a soothing berry, all rapped up in a box made of lushes fruits and berries. Susaska had to find out where this arousing sent was coming from, no he did just need to, he needed to so much that, he was determined to find out where the sent was coming from. Susaska started walking toward the place where he thought it was coming from.

He walked over all the garbage people threw on the ground, all the crumbs from food, and little bits of popcorn, maybe a puddle of pop from a kid that couldn't hang onto his drink, or maybe an older person was trying to calm down a child when they spilled, or something. Susaska just kept going; he reached the water booth, but ignored it, because the sent was coming from the woods, the thick woods, behind the booth. "Oh, great," Susaska thought. "another time where I have to go into the horrible woods and find what I'm looking for, no, not again, but on the other side, I'll find the great smelling something I've been dying to put my hands on." Susaska opened up some bushed, but nothing was there, then he heard a most beautiful voice coming from behind some more bushes, further into the woods. Susaska passed thought bushes pushing them behind him and saw one of nature’s most beautiful creatures. It was a Roselia, a beautiful Roselia. Her eyes twinkled in the suns rays, she bathed in the sun, she lived for the sun, and the sun lived for her, she stood there on a stump, singing to her hearts content, her roses looked like they just came out of the rain. Little water droplets fell from the roses known as Roselia's hands. The right one was a were a ruby red, and the left one was a sapphire blue, that was more blue than the sky it self, and more red than fire, or the fire breathers' booth. Her green thorns point upward in the sky reaching for the heavens as if asking again to bless this wonderful pokemon. The leafs on Roselia's chest were an emerald green, and covered her like a veil. Her feet were small and skinny, resembling her arms and body, they looked like the vines from a rose bush, or stems off of a leaf. The smell from her roses was so great, so grand, and so wonderful that Susaska swore that he could even see the pink aroma coming from her roses.

Roselia opened her eyes and notice the young fellow staring at her with eyes wide open admiring her beauty. She stood there like a pillar in a hallway, not knowing what to do. Growlithe came over and saw the beautiful pokemon and Growlithe stared at her as well. If Susaska could describe her he would say, "It was like a rose, but touched by an angel from heaven, or maybe even eleven angels." Roselia blushed as she saw a boy with his three male pokemon staring at her in awe. She walked down slowly from the stump and came over to Susaska and his pokemon. Growlithe backed away a bit, for he had a little crush for the Roselia, and Susaska knew it. Growlithe was struck by Cupid's arrow right in the heart for Roselia; it was love at first sight. Susaska stood there, not knowing if he should say something, or just battle.
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Old 03-15-2007, 04:23 AM
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Susaska was just about to say something, when Roselia started walking away. She turned back and waved her rose in the direction she was heading, as if saying, "Come, this way." Growlithe burst out of the bushes and ran after her, fast and swiftly. Torchic and the new Shpeal both jumped out and fallowed her. "Uh, wait!" Susaska said, as he stumbled out of the bush, for being bigger isn't always the best. Susaska got his right foot unstuck from the bush and ran after the beautiful Roselia, and his pokemon. Roselia started running farther, and into the woods with Growlithe, and the rest right behind. Susaska heard another great voice singing in the woods, and wandered, "Is there another Roselia, or am I hearing things?" Susaska was wrong; he wasn't hearing things, nor was it another Roselia. Roselia opened a bunch of bushes and out, in the middle of a clearing, stood a very tall and very beautiful Gardevoir.

Her eyes were closed and she had her hand up to her chest as she sang a very high soprano song out into the heavens. White doves scattered around her making her look like a goddess. Her hair was a great green and moved ever so slightly in the wind. Her gown also moved, but more in trance, more in tempo that her hair. She put her other hand, which looked like as if it were in a white glove that you see rich old ladies wear, up to her chest along with the other hand, and sang louder, higher, and better. She stopped singing, and opened her eyes. She knew someone was there, for her physic abilities allow her to since a presence when she cannot see them. She looked straight at Susaska with those wanting eyes, those gorgeous emerald green eyes. They glittered in the sun, and they showed off an extreme amount of want. If Susaska could name her it would be "Athena" after the Greek God of beauty and wisdom.

Roselia said something that Susaska clearly didn't understand and Gardevoir smiled and opened her arms and walked over to Susaska and hugged him. Susaska had no idea what was going on, singing pokemon, hugging him? Well, yes of coarse he liked it, but it was also kind of awkward. He blushed under embarrassment and slightly hugged back. Gardevoir lightly pushed him off and smiled and said something then pointed in another direction. Susaska looked in the direction Gardevoir was pointing at and then he heard it. Another voice was singing, out in the middle of the woods. Susaska also noticed that it got very quiet, and still he could barley hear the voice, so that probably meant, that either there were a lot of trees blocking the sound waves, or that the new voice was far away. Gardevoir and Roselia started dashing toward the direction and Growlithe, Torchic, and Shpeal both ran after. Growlithe ran fast, for he had four legs to run on, Torchic was quick and speedy, but not fast, only two little chicken feet to run on, but Shpeal had no feet, poor Shpeal had to pull him self in the direction, but when ever they got to far he would curl up in a ball and roll fast and catch up to everyone. Susaska had two long legs and ran fast, he was always fast, he got in first place many times for the one hundred meter dash, or the two hundred meter sprint, always was first, and never last.

Susaska finally got to the clearing and saw that there was an oasis with a water fall and a Milotic, singing. The water was coming down from the rocks up above and it was very clear and healthy water. It dazzled in the light, and splashed quietly when it hit the water in the pool area. The pool was calm and barely moved, it was like a little meditating place for people to go and renew there bad doings, or just to take a step out of the urban life, and walk into nature her self. The gorgeous serpent known as, Milotic sat in the pool, her eyes shut for singing, and her hair was like the dresses that the angels themselves wore, but now a beautiful shade of red, her skin was a sandy tan color was glittered from the sun. Her scales were perfectly in order, not one looked like it should be in another place, and her tune was so instancing, it would put an enraged Garados to sleep. Susaska thought that the heavens were singing at a moment when he realized that Gardevoir, and Roselia joined in on the tune. Roselia was the alto, Milotic was the lower soprano, and Gardevoir was the highest soprano Susaska ever heard. Together they made a beautiful song, and song made from nature and just living the way god intended.

The sun shined down on the water and the three beautiful pokemon as they shined in sun light, and showed off, like performers. "This is much better that what Brandi Sheers sings." They all stopped in unison and Susaska clapped so hard he could almost feel his hands falling off. Growlithe, Torchic, and Shpeal and jumped and made cute noises, except for Shpeal, he clapped and bounced. Gardevoir and Roselia all walked over, Milotic slithered over, and they all stopped with attitude hips in a line in front of Susaska. Gardevoir on the right, Roselia in the middle, and Milotic on the left, in was like a gallery, or a museum of beautiful pokemon singers, but alive and in their own natural habitat. Roselia took a few steps forward and waved her hand as if saying, "So, do want to or not?" Susaska knew that meant battling, and not something else, no, no, battling. Susaska stood there surprised that Roselia wanted a trainer, he though that it would be great to live like this, but maybe Roselia would rather go on a trip of some sort, or a journey, but with a trainer, and go on adventures, or rescues, who knows. "Yea, sure, I'll battle ya, but not here, no, no, this place is too beautiful to have a battle, in. Here lets go over to a trail, uh, this one, over here!" Susaska said as he pointed toward a direction that leads to a path. Roselia looked in the direction and smiled, and then looked back at Susaska, smiled more, and nodded. "Alright, I'll be using Shpeal, okay Shpeal? Okay Roselia?" Susaska questioned. Shpeal and clapped, and Roselia nodded once more. "Okay, let's go!" Susaska said as he ran toward the path.

Roselia ran after him with Shpeal and the other pokemon. Susaska finally reached the path, and luckily no one was on it. He stood there in a ready stance to fight, and watched as all the pokemon came tumbling out of the bushes and onto the path. Roselia stood on the opposite side from where Susaska was and stood there beautifully, and in a pose to fight all at the same time. Shpeal came rolling out of the bushes and in front of Susaska, and then stopped, then stood up straight in a ready to go fighting stance and waited for Susaska to give a command. Roselia started off the fight with a pedal dance. "Great," Susaska thought. "she's using pedal dance, that means if she misses then maybe, no, hopefully she'll be confused." Roselia spun and shot many pretty pink flower pedals at Shpeal. "Go, Shpeal, use aurora beam to freeze the pedals!" Shpeal did the pedals stopped, and fell to the ground in little ice clumps, and shattered in many little pieces on the ground. "Now, Shpeal use ice ball, and show Roselia what ice type pokemon are made of, ICE!" Shpeal shot a little frozen ball of water from its mouth and hit Roselia with it. "Now again!" Susaska chimed as the little blue seal pokemon shot s bigger, and stronger piece of ice, and again, hit the green rose pokemon, but this time right in the chest, a direct hit! Roselia used magical leaf and cut Shpeal in many places. Shpeal got a little tired, but persuaded himself to do another, bigger and better, ice ball attack as Susaska said, "And another ice ball Shpeal, go!" Roselia was hit again and this time she fell. She slowly got up as she summons the strength to swing her arms about widely as they shot many shiny leafs out toward Shpeal in a magical leaf attack. Shpeal was hit and got knocked over. "Shpeal, are you alright?!" Susaska asked as he bent down to help Shpeal back up. Shpeal rolled up with determination in his eyes to win this battle. "Great, now Shpeal, another ice ball attack!" Shpeal shot out again another giant ball of ice from its mouth, but this time it was huge, it smacked Roselia in the face and almost shattered when it hit her as well. Roselia got up, pointed her roses at Shpeal, and then sucked away health from Shpeal and into her in a mega drain attack. Shpeal was hurt, but knew this was the last ice ball attack, and it's suppose to be the best one, the most strongest one, the most greatest ice ball ever made from little Shpeal. "Go, do it now!" Shpeal shot another gigantic ice ball attack at the Roselia and smashed the pokemon into the ground and this time the giant ball of ice shattered on contact. Roselia barley stood as she was about to attack again, but Susaska interrupted her. "Alright, now go pokeball! Let's catch this beautiful rose pokemon!" The rounded special ball was thrown at the Roselia and hit Roselia on the nose. The ball opened up and out came a red light that sucked up Roselia. Roselia fought back inside the pokeball as the little round ball wiggled, to the left, then to the right. Susaska waited impatiently, and anxious to find out if he caught this gorgeous pokemon, or not?
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  #18  
Old 03-15-2007, 04:25 AM
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Default Re: Susaska Vanorostt's Chronicals

~*~*~* Ready For Grading *~*~*~
~*~*Pokemon: Roselia*~*~
~*Characters:11,937*~
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Old 03-18-2007, 01:43 AM
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Default Re: Susaska Vanorostt's Chronicals

Once again, another Susaska story- And soon soon around the others! x3 Looks like we have another quick story writer at URPG now, yay.

As your story is a continuation, no introduction was needed. As far as plot goes, you, again, had one, but made the characters more interesting than the plot. This is good, and it's interesting watching you find your own niche and style. :)

Both the Pokemon you described were easy to visualize, as were the surroundings. I liked how you included details, even the smells of the area, and also the sounds. Overall, the only thing I could have asked for was a little bit more of a description of the attacks. Battles do tend to be fast paced, but you seem to change the tone of your story, and use a bit less detail in them.

Length is never an issue with you, which is good. ;) I appreciate your writing things that are long enough for the Pokemon you are going for, as you wouldn't believe how many people don't.

Roselia Captured. Good job, and I hope to see many more stories from you in the future. :) This story was long enough, had few errors, and was fun to read. Good job.
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My hands have yet to build a village, have yet to find water in the barren desert, have yet to plant a flower, and I have yet to find the path that leads me... I have not loved enough, but the wind and the sun are still on my face.



I have yet to sow green fields, yet to raise a city, yet to plant a grapevine on each chalky hill... There is so much to build and so much to be, and my love is just beginning.
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Old 03-18-2007, 01:53 AM
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Default Re: Susaska Vanorostt's Chronicals

lol, well I can garantee you that in another story I have made.. yet again, there is a discriptive battle there.. I think, just bout.. 3,987 characters on the battle along, and with bout... 6-8 attacks, and a big thank you, all the complaments are very well liked by me ^^ YAY! also another big thank you for grading one of my stories, the past I dunno.... 2 hours or so I've been here typing away at the same time reading other peoples stories and grades, and had noticed you chose this night to be buesy, I've seen you grade... 4 stories now..? I think, not positive, but I know I'm close, also one more pokemon in here and this story might just end, and this pokemon is in the medium section, in the first chapter I lead up to it, not catching it, for I had to little Characters, also I wanted to save it untill the end, with is here, and the title of the chapter, so I'll write it soon, by the end of tommorow it will be done, and waiting for a grade, YAY! so again thanks ((hope I didn't ramble on, or brake the four word rule o.o'''! lol))
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Old 03-18-2007, 05:26 PM
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CHAPTER 4: The ending days.


The ball rocked back and fourth, Susaska was getting impatient when the ball finally stopped rolling and became still, still like the breeze upon the island, still like the mood of the area, still, like Gardevior and Milotic who just saw their friend leave them, alone, and now away in a soft land called a pokeball. Susaska went over slowly and bent down and picked up the red and white ball and held it in his hands. "Yes," he said calmly, and then shouted, "yes, I caught you Roselia!" His other three pokemon leaped for joy for a new friend. "My, my, we are busy catching pokemon with out me knowing aren't we, Susaska?" Susaska heard that familiar soft voice of his mother coming from behind him. He turned around to see his mother petting his Growlithe. "Mom, I caught a Spheal and Roselia! Aren't you proud of me?" Susaska asked with joy in his voice. His mother stood up from petting Growlithe and looked at him calmly and said, "Yes dear, I'm very proud of you." Her smile half way faded knowing that her little boy would be leaving soon for a journey, or an adventure. She remembered when he was just a little child, back when she didn't have crows feet, he would just play with his toys and with his parents, and some pokemon if they came around, which they did, ever so often.


Susaska stood there holding his new pokemon inside the pokebal with a smile, and then when to a concerned face and said, "Mother are you alright?" His mother came over and put her hands on his shoulders and said, "When you leave to go on your journey, promise to call, and come back again someday, okay?" She smiled as he said back saying, "I was already planning on it." Then she wrapped her arms around Susaska and held him tight. Susaska hugged her back and then she said, "Oh, well, the reason I came looking for you was a little blue bird flew by our house this morning, and then in the afternoon, I have no idea what it was doing here, and then I thought maybe it knew you." Susaska thought for a moment, and then remembered the little blue cotton bird pokemon and said, "Oh yes, Swablu, yea I battled her a few times, I even tried to capture her, but I failed, twice. Hopefully this time I might catch her, or maybe I won't." "Don't say that, of coarse you will Susaska, you're my child, you’ll always succeed." His mother said with triumph in her voice sounding like she was always the best, which she used to be, but never told anyone.


"Come now Susaska, let's go home for the night, and in the morning you can find your little friend, oh, and by the way, may I see your new Roselia?" His mother questioned. "Sure, of coarse, why not?" Susaska replied as he looked down at the pokeball in his hand. He pushed the little white button on the little machine ball, and it opened up to rematerialize the rose pokemon, who was very confused about the hole ordeal. She turned around to find Susaska holding a pokeball, and sighed, wishing that she wouldn't have been caught. She looked over at where Gardevior and Milotic were before, but they were gone, scared of all the commotion and people. Roselia sighed again and looked up at Susaska and his mother and smiled. Susaska's mother shrieked with joy and ran over to hug the rose pokemon and said, "Oh, she's so beautiful! She smells good too!" Roselia blushed from the complements and hugs. Susaska's mother got back up and said, "Well, it's off to supper for all of you, I made my special soup for Susaska catching his Growlithe, but now it's also for his new Spheal, and Roselia!" Susaska's four pokemon squealed with joy and bounced up and down. Susaska's mother smiled a big smile for all the little cute and beautiful pokemon bouncing.


The soup was a beef and vegetable soup, usually Susaska didn't like this kind, but tonight it was delicious, he didn't know what made it so good, it just was. His mother smiled as the four pokemon Susaska had caught all ate with pleasure. "Good huh guys?" Susaska questioned his pokemon. They all looked up and smiled and squealed, squeaked, yipped, and chirped with joy. Susaska chuckled as he thought about the fair, and what’s going too happened then, and when. Then he thought about Whitney and her pokemon, and what she would be doing. Then he went from Whitney’s blue locks of hair, to the blue little bird body of Swablu and thought of that. "Maybe Swablu will come this evening," Susaska thought. "it would make since, since Swablu came in the morning and the afternoon." Susaska's eyes were being filled with wonderment and thought.


That night as Susaska laid in his bed next to Torchic and Roselia, with Growlithe and Spheal at his feet, he thought, "Maybe Swablu isn't going to come back after all, I waited all night long, but no little blue, or cotton bird pokemon, just a bunch of leafs and wind." Susaska felt discouraged as his eyes were slowly shutting, him drifting off to sleep, and his pokemon all asleep in dreamland. Susaska thought right before he shut his eyes and fell asleep he saw Swablu come threw the window and chirp at his arrival. Susaska fell asleep quietly, and softly, with a smile of acknowledgment that Swablu did care, and was with him the whole night.
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Old 03-18-2007, 07:27 PM
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Susaska awoke to find his Spheal staring right at him. Susaska jumped up and shook away Growlithe, and Roselia. Torchic was up and chirping at something, that Susaska couldn't see, but heard another chirping in the window. Susaska rubbed his eyes from waking up and peered in the direction of Torchic's chirping and saw the little blue, cotton swab, bird pokemon. "Swablu, you did come back!" Susaska said as he held out his arms. Swablu, the little blue bird pokemon, flew over to him and landed on his shoulder. Susaska smiled as well as the rest of his pokemon, well, only Growlithe and Torchic, for Spheal and Roselia had never met Swablu before. "Roselia, Spheal, this here is Swablu, we've had our fair share of battles and bruises before I caught you two, and now it's good to see the little cotton ball again." Susaska said as he pointed toward Swablu, who was still sitting on his shoulder. Roselia and Spheal both squeaked as Swablu chirped.


Susaska got up and got dressed for the day in his usual brown tee shirt, black baggy pants, grey sagging belt, grey tennis shoes, and combed his black and blue hair. He came back over to find all his pokemon and the Swablu playing and having joyful fun. He smiled and said, "Come on guys, let's go to the usual spot, up the hill, by the berry bush, and where I first found you, Growlithe." Growlithe yipped and jumped off the bed, where he, and the other pokemon, was playing on. The rest of the pokemon came down slowly, not to hurt themselves, or fall, and then get hurt. Susaska walked down stairs and said, "Hey mother, do you have anything cooked for breakfast?" His mother turned around wearing oven mitts and an apron, all a pink plaid, and said, "Yes, I have eggs, bacon, toast, and cereal for you, just incase you were extra hungry. I also made some pokemon food for all your sweet adorable pokemon, and the Swablu, I saw the Swablu fly by this morning, and then made food for it, expecting it to be with you." Susaska sat down in a chair, put a napkin in his lap, picked up a fork and knife and said, "Thank you, and bunch mother!" For Susaska was very hungry, like his mother planned, and this was his favorite thing to eat, eggs, bacon, toast, cereal, the only thing missing, was orange juice. "Oh and here you go. I forgot your juice!" His mother said as she handed him glass of orange juice. That's when Susaska realized that his mother made him his favorite breakfast meal just for him, for he was leaving in a short amount of time, and maybe that's why the soup tasted so good last night as well.


When Susaska was finished he looked down at his pokemon, who finish a while before he did, and he said, "Well, let's go, I bet those berries are more fresh that ever!" Susaska got up and pushed in his chair, leaving the dishes for his mother to pick up, the nice thing to do was to pick them up and put them into the sink and have them soak so the food wouldn't stain, but he was to much in a hurry to think about manners so he just left them there, along with the pokemon's bowls and crumbs. Susaska dashed out the door along with his four pokemon, and the Swablu and ran up the hill toward the usual spot where he hung out with his pokemon. Back at the house, his mother cleaned up after him, usually she would yell at him to clean up his spot before running off, but this was sort of like his birthday party, so all the cleaning jobs were held in his mother’s hands. His father came down shortly after Susaska left and ate his breakfast, picked up his plate, and was off to construction work, down at the fair, on one of the rides, which had broken down and stopped working from a mechanical reason, and needed repair on of the carts the people would ride on.


Susaska reached the top of the hill were he would come almost every day before, but stopped coming for the carnival, and for catching pokemon. He picked some of the berries and gave three to each pokemon and had two for himself. They were just as good as always, feeling soft and mushy in your mouth as the juice dissolved on your tong, making your taste buds tingle with delight, and making you crave for more. They went down like a slippery Silviper in a wet tube, or like putting fruit in Jell-O, it just slide threw clean, and soft, and smooth. Susaska looked down at his pokemon and the Swablu and noticed that Spheal was a very messy eater, and needed something to whip away the little blue smudges on his chubby lips. Susaska took one of the soft wet leafs from the berry bush and whipped it across Spheal's lips to whip away the blue smudges, as Spheal thought it was uncomfortable and tried to escape it, but couldn't. It was a warm day, the clouds were grey and over head, as if it were about to rain, but didn't. There was no breeze, no wind, just the calm hush of the island's forest, and Susaska could've swore he heard Gardevoir, or Milotic singing in the far distance.


Susaska felt a sudden wet drop on his nose and thought it was a rain drop, which would've made since, because it was cloudy, and they live very close to the sea on all four sides of the island. Susaska looked up and noticed it was just a little water droplet that fell from on of the leaves from a tree, drying off from the little shower the night before. Susaska slept threw the little showers and thought maybe that's why Swablu came before morning, because it was about to rain outside. Susaska smiled and looked down at the Swablu again and remembered all the fights he had with Swablu ending up like with Swablu getting away, or winning. He thought the Swablu was a fierce, and competitive pokemon, when it just liked to fight, and was extremely good at it as well. Susaska looked at his Roselia and wandered, "Why was Roselia a little bit easier to catch than Swablu, if Roselia is older, and probably stronger that Swablu, did it want to be caught, and just pretended to not be caught, or was it really just playing and I caught it any way?" Susaska looked at her in deep thought and wonderment, then shook his head, looked at her again, and smiled. He popped another berry into his mouth and felt it slither down his thought with lushes ness, and a soothe aurora. It started to rain, just a slight rain down upon the little lonely island and Susaska sat there with his pokemon and the Swablu, out in the rain, having the little water droplets fall off his face, and hair, onto his cloths, and legs.



-Yay, 15,978 characters, a few more details a battle, and I'll be ready to be graded!-
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Old 03-19-2007, 11:21 PM
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Susaska looked up from his wet face and looked around at his surroundings. Swablu, the little blue bird pokemon, had eaten all of its berries already, and was getting soaked by water. Her once soft and fluffy wings were now damps, smaller, and full of water. Growlithe, the red, orange little puppy pokemon, sat in a puddle, snapping at the water droplets than fell from the sky above. Torchic, the small red chick pokemon, ran around, trying to dodge the rain, but couldn't as it was impossible to dodge so many little drops of water. Spheal flinched every time a water droplet crashed against his forehead, and he would lick his little chubby lips every few seconds or so sucking up the water that collected in his whiskers. Roselia stood in place, not moving at all, soaking up the water for a drink, for she was part plant after all. Susaska shook his head making the water in his hair fly out in every direction, partly drying his hair, partly messing it up into a frizzy hair duo. He fixed his hair by putting his hands threw his hair and partly combing it with his palms. He then stood up and said,
"Hey guys, I think we should go and hang out with Whitney, okay?" His pokemon smiled, all except Roselia who never had met Whitney ever, and this would be her first time. Susaska smiled back and said,
"Oh, don't worry Roselia, you'll like her, she's a very nice person, and will just adore you." With that, Roselia smiled and gave a sigh of happiness.


Susaska started walking down the hill with his pokemon, as it still poured water from the sky. Susaska passed his house, and then the school, then the pokemon center, and all of his friends houses, and got down to the docks, where the fair was being held. A lot of the booths today were closed, like the Fire breathers' booth, and the Bathing and Lotion Booth for Pokemon. Susaska walked, and walked, but never saw Whitney. The rain stopped and Swablu dried herself off by shaking and rubbing her wings across the grass and some bushes, away from the fair, but very close to it. Susaska kept searching for the young lady with blue curly hair, but she was nowhere in sight. He soon felt a sharp jab on the back of his neck and turned around to find Swablu flying, ready to fight, and had the,
"I'm going to beat you again." look upon her face.
"Oh, so you think you can defeat me again? I don't think so, Swablu, I think I might win, okay?" Susaska said with a determined look on his face. Swablu chirped and went up, and down in mid air, pumping herself up for the fight.
"Alright, I choose, um, Spheal!" The little blue ball pokemon rolled up and landed in front of Susaska, in a fighting position, ready to attack with Susaska's command.


Susaska stared into Swablu's small blue eyes that were filled with the winning spirit, and was fired up for the fight.
"Go, Spheal, let's use powder snow and freeze this bird pokemon!" Susaska said will spirit in his voice. The little blue seal ball pokemon let out a flurry of snow and ice from its mouth freezing the little blue cotton bird pokemon as Swablu shivered from the cold it was being put upon her. Swablu got angered and fought back with a fierce furry attack and stabbed Spheal with many rounds of punches from her sharp talons that were attacked to her feet.
"Let’s go Spheal, use aurora beam!" Susaska commanded, knowing it would have a more effect if Swablu was closer, which she was. The blue seal pokemon shot a powerful beam of all the colors of the rainbow, red, yellow, orange, blue, green, and purple. The great ice attack hit the blue cotton bird pokemon and made it fall to the ground.


"Susaska!" Shouted a voice far off in the distance, a very familiar voice though. A few seconds after Susaska heard the voice and realized who it was and quickly turned around to find Whitney running at him with her Mudkip, Surskit, and new Tailow fallowing behind her.
"Whitney, hey, I'm fighting a Swablu that I wish to catch, want to watch?" Susaska said joyfully and happily. Whitney replied quickly with a sharp,
"Of course, why wouldn't I?"
"Oh that's great thank you Whitn-" Susaska was cut off with Spheal falling to the ground after a sharp peck attack.
"Spheal, get back up and use ice ball to counter it!" The little blue seal pokemon quickly got up and threw a giant ball of frozen water at the little blue cotton bird and smashed it to the ground. The Swablu was extremely tired, but got back up and started glowing. It was starting to use safeguard, and then it flew straight forward at Spheal spinning using a peck attack. Swablu slammed into Spheal, and started jabbing its sharp talons on its feet into Spheal’s soft skin, using a furry attack.


"Spheal, finish it up with an ice beam attack, now!" Susaska yelled and commanded at the little blue seal pokemon. Spheal blew out a shining blue lightning beam made of ice at the small blue bird pokemon and hit it.
"Yes, a direct hit." Susaska said with confidence. The little cotton bird pokemon fell to the ground, with one wing frozen solid. The water that was inside Swablu's wings didn't all go away from before, and crated the freeze effect.
"Yea, let's catch this determined bird, go pokeball!" Susaska said as he threw the same old red and white ball at Swablu. The ball tapped Swablu on the top of her head and opened up with a red beam that materialized Swablu inside of it as it fell onto the ground and shook furiously, once to the left, and then twice to the right. Susaska waited along with his pokemon and Whitney with her pokemon as well.
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  #24  
Old 03-19-2007, 11:25 PM
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Default Re: Susaska Vanorostt's Chronicals

~*~*~*Ready For Grading*~*~*~
~*~*Characters: 21,681*~*~
~*Pokemon: Swablu*~
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Old 03-30-2007, 12:55 AM
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Default Re: Susaska Vanorostt's Chronicals

Story: A decent continuation to the story, and it's nice to see one of Susaska's parents finally accepting his new Pokemon. Truthfully, I found some of this story a bit too "fuzzy" for my tastes (it's just begging for some dark themes!), but Pokemon is for all ages, I suppose. I think you're capable of straying away from the typical "cute and happy" stories that many people seem to write, and it's a nice challenge, but you're free to write however you choose - I guess what I'm saying is that although stories like this can be good, they get old after awhile, since you already see things like this in the show and the game. The Pokemon world is completely fantasy, so you should stretch it as far as you can. Take some risks, maybe throw in an interesting plot twist or two.

This wasn't bad, and you're a good writer, but I just want to see something different. :) Aren't you bored of sticking with something that's already been done over and over .. ?

Spelling/Grammar: More of the same minor mistakes you make, including sentence fragments and the occasional misspelled word or two.
Nothing too major, obviously, but MS Word could be spotting these for you.

Quote:
"Why was Roselia a little bit easier to catch than Swablu, if Roselia is older, and probably stronger that Swablu, did it want to be caught, and just pretended to not be caught, or was it really just playing and I caught it any way?"
Yikes, this appears to be one of those said fragments - it may look right, but it's incorrect. Something more appropiate would be something along the lines of, "Why was Roselia a little bit easier to catch than Swablu if Rosela is older, and probably stronger than Swablu? Did it want to be caught, and just pretend not to be caught, or was it really just playing and I caught it anyway?" With sentences like this, remember to throw a period in there somewhere. You risk having the sentence being both incorrect, and tedious to read.

Quote:
He popped another berry into his mouth and felt it slither down his thought with lushes ness, and a soothe aurora.
Okay, the word is 'lushness'. Second, 'aurora' isn't the right word to use here - I'm not even sure what you meant. An 'aurora' is a bright glow in the night sky, according to Wikipedia ... you might want to search for a different word, and double check the meanings if you're not sure what to use.

Finally, some of the attacks should be capitalized, as all names and moves should be.

Length: Perfect for the cotton wonder, so nothing to add here.

Detail/Description: Sufficient, and you make it easy to see things in your stories, but I think you need to use more pronouns. Instead of using 'green', use 'emerald' or 'jade'. Give us stronger descriptions, and your stories will really appear much better - they don't seem like much, but they really make stories come alive, as opposed to dull. If you keep using something like the color green to describe the outside world constantly, your readers won't be impressed, and you won't grab their attention. However, if you say something along the lines of 'the emerald trees, their sienna colored barks rooted to the ground, swayed gently in the wind' .. I think that will make at least one person more impressed.

Battle: Good use of details and attacks here, although I cannot say using an ice attack to finish the little bird off is too original. It almost seemed like an easier way to end the battle, but Swablu doesn't require anything too complex, and what you have is fine. You're improving, so keep at it.

Outcome: Swablu Captured! - Something more complex in terms of plot and details would be nice, at least to me.
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Old 03-30-2007, 04:00 AM
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Default Re: Susaska Vanorostt's Chronicals

Omg, I feel really retarted, XD aroma is the word I was going for. For some reason aurora just came out! I feel really stupid about that lol. Also I put down lushness, but MS Word wanted to make it lushes ness, I don't know why, but now if it comes up I will say, "No! You're wrong, I know because Megumi told me so, so HA!!" and it'd be like, "No! NO!" and be emo in some electronic corner. Any ways, putting periods in my sentences is something I need to do, I hope in futer stories I get a lot better I try hard. Yes it has gotten old I know, but thankfully this is the last chapter for the story and it is time to finnish it off. And YAY!!! My first meduim class pokemon is CAPTURED! ((may not seam much for you upper class people that can write a story for any pokemon you want any time, but it still is a great victory )) Also thank you so much for grading this story ^^.
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Old 04-01-2007, 06:52 PM
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Default Re: Susaska Vanorostt's Chronicals




CHAPTER 5: So long everyone.


The ball quietly stopped. It rested upon the cold dim brown ground and lied there, calmly. Susaska picked up the small red and white ball and held it in his hand. He looked at it with curiosity for the little cotton bird’s future. He looked up at his little blue seal Pokemon and gave it an accomplishment smile. The blue seal Pokemon squeaked.
"Alright, I think I am ready to go on my journey." He slightly pushed the button on the Pokeball and out came the little blue cotton bird, Swablu. Swablu sang like the heavens and perched herself on Susaska's shoulder. Torchic looked up at Susaska with hope and that cute little smile. Spheal looked at him very proud and full of glee. Growlithe looked out at sea, impatient of the journeys up ahead. Roselia looked at Swablu with friendship in her eyes knowing that they'll be good friends.



The horn bellowed as the ship started off. Susaska flinched from coming back from his own little world. He shook his head and looked down to the peer. He saw the large cruise ship leaving. Susaska then realized that he had a ticket in his pocket for that ship! He started running down the hill franticly, passing his house and everyone. He ran toward the ship and got on board. He showed a man his ticket and ran inside. He ran back outside higher up on the ship with all his Pokemon fallowing. He watched as the ship started off into the adventures dream. He saw the little island called "home" get smaller and smaller. He quietly said underneath his breath,
"I'll be back, don't worry."


The End
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