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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 03-02-2007, 10:19 AM
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Default Pokémon: Friendship Chronicles

Part I: Magnet Attraction
I’m Jazz, a Pikachu, the small rat Pokemon. I have red spots at both my right and left cheeks, long, sharp ear with black areas in it, and thunder-shaped tail. I live in the Cruisel City, a peaceful city where I and my Rescue Partner, Chad, live. Yes, I have a Rescue Team, even though we haven’t done many jobs lately. My Rescue Team isn’t popular yet, the only rescue we’ve every done was saving the Sammy, the pink kitty who was lost deep in the Tiny Woods.

Today, just like usual, I sit in front of my team base, awaiting for someone to request a help, hoping that the giant Pelican, Ruffin, to drop a mail into my red, unused mailbox in front of my team base. No one comes, this makes me crazy, the last Skitty rescue was over two months ago, and I don’t get any reasonable reward for it. I’m waiting, and waiting, until my partner, Chad appears from the door.

“No requests for today?” he asks. He’s blue and short. He skips towards me. “I can read from your face, Jazz … I really hope for someone to come and request a rescue …”

“Yeah,” I replied lazily. In front, a group of Pokemon is passing; there are Umbreon, Espeon, and Jolteon. They are the Evolution Team, a quite popular Rescue team around. Yes, I admit they are very swift and tough Rescuer. They’re busy with rescues everyday.

“Evolution Team,” says Chad, when he sees those Pokemon are passing. “I bet they are got a bunch of requests at the moment …”

“I think so,” I say. “Maybe we should go to the Pelipper Office and see if we can get someone to rescue, you know, some Pokemon are requesting rescues there.”

“That might be a good idea,” agrees Chad. Then we leave our base, heading to the Pelipper Office, a place where Rescue Teams can grab someone’s request. It is located near the cliff at the east, the only way to get there is by the Pokemon Square, a crowd place where Pokemon are gathering, buying things for Rescue, and chatting. The gentle wind blows the coconut trees on our way; they are just like giving a way for us to pass. I see an Aipom is hanged on one of the trees.

The Aipom are swinging around, its tail is gripping the heavy leaves. We pass it, and we reach the Pokemon Square, many Pokemon are gathering, buildings and shops are everywhere around. I see the Kecleon Shop nearby, a very popular shop where many Rescuing stuffs are sold there. The
Shopkeepers are the Kecleon brothers, one is green and the other is purple; they are dealing their stuffs with a big, violet Pokemon, Granbull. We continue our way.

We pass the Persian Bank, Gulpin’s Store, Wigglytuff’s shop, and Ariados’ Net Store. There aren’t many people at the bank, Wiggytuff’s shop are full of Pokemon who are seeking for maps, Gulpin’s Store is the place where Pokemon can get more Moves or abilities, and Ariados’ Net Store is where you can buy Fishing Rods. We leave the Pokemon Square and reach the Pelipper Office. We directly go the Request Board, the brown board where Rescue requests are shown.

It makes us upset, no requests are shown. Ruffin, the enormous Pelican lands on the ground, it pecks a white paper on the board; it is a Rescue Request! I grab the paper and read:

We need rescue!
I and my friend was wandering through the Tiny Woods, we’re searching a berry called Oran Berry, but instead of finding it, we get lost! Please rescue us, we’re near a big Palm Tree, and if you get me Oran Berry, we will reward you twice!

Please help us quickly!
-Ben and Sheen.


“Look, this is our gold chance!” I say happily. “It said that we’ll just have to go to Tiny Woods, you remember, it’s the Woods where we rescued Sammy. And near the big palm tree, yeah, I ever see that, I guess we will go, won’t us?”

“Of course, Jazz!” says Chad, with full spirit. “This will make our Team more popular if we succeeded. Let’s go home and prepare the stuffs!”

And then, Chad and I leave the Pelipper’s office and head home. I grab the paper as a clue at my right hand, this really makes me excited, really excited. We go out from our home, facing the burning stone that is shining brightly today, the day’s not over, more adventures and rescues to be done!

“Don’t be too carried-away.”

Someone is speaking, I turn around to seek where the voice comes from, the next second, I find a black cat-looking Pokemon with sharp claws and something like gold coin on the head is standing beside our red mailbox, it put its left hand above the box, glaring its eyes at us.

“Look like you’re also a beginner,” she says calmly. “Oh, I am also a beginner, introduce me, Sherry, the leader of the Darks Team. And Nutsworth, my Rescue Partner.” Sherry whistles, some times later, a black bird with yellow beak comes from the skies, flying down towards Sherry the Sneasel, and landed beside her.

“Oh, hi,” I say without hesitation. “We’re also a rescue team, as you have realized before. And is there anything I can help?”

“Hm, but we can do it ourselves,” Sherry said, move even closer to me. “Because … I doubt you will do it for me even if I plea.” I raise an eyebrow, what does she mean? What is she going to do? I open my mouth, start to speak, but before her hand rapidly grabs the request Paper from my right hand and laughed like evil.

“Hey, give us back that!” Chad squeaked, move closer to Sherry, she glared at Chad viciously. She reads the paper and grips it on his left hand, she jumps backwards.

“You silly,” she says. “This what I really want, this paper will help our team popular, and you silly Pokemon, do not ever try to take this back, I will show no mercy. Nutsworth, take this paper home, be sure not to drop it.” Sherry puts the paper at Nutsworth’s beak and the bird fly away.

“You!” Chad says.

“Why, fools?”

“Do not call me fools!” I exclaims, a little lightning appears on the red spots at my cheeks. “You will show no mercy, and we don’t have anymore options! Thundershock!” I unleash a small lightning wave from my cheeks, the lighting shapes arrow and shot towards Sneasel.

“… you two dare … try this Icy Wind!” she exclaims. She opens her mouth and blow a powerful wind that contains massive amount of snow flakes towards me and Chad. The wind blow us backwards, it freezes us a bit, I feel my tail’s freezing, I can’t move it, I try to check Chad, he’s hardly trying to get up, it shudders and fall down. And then I try to break the ices with my electrical power, but fails, the wind immobilizes me, and one more thing, Sneasel’s gone …

The flare ball with its heat warms us and dissolves the ice on our bodies, soon, I get back my ability to move and feel that my tail’s no more freezing. I rub my body; brush away the piece of ice from it. I turn to Chad, who can also get up on his own, but his body’s still shuddering. I help him to move, and we get back to our base, empty-handed.

***

I wake up on my cotton-made bed under my blanket in the next morning. I scratch my forehead and rub my cheeks. I get up from my bed, seeing through the window, it’s very early morning. Chad’s still sleeping next to me, he’s snoring loudly. I go out, trying to forget what had happened yesterday, feel the fresh air comes into my body, makes me feel very comfortable.

The red sun hasn’t rose high, it’s really early. I check my mailbox, I won’t be upset if there’s no rescue request, it’s been over two months empty. It just like there’s a shield that guarding it so that no mail can’t be dropped. I get to the small chair near the door, I sit, sink in my deep mind …

“BZZt, BZZZ, HELLOZZ THERE.”

I go out from my deep mind, see a levitating Magnet Pokemon is floating near the red mailbox. It flies towards me. “HI, I NEED MY FRIEND RESCUED, AND I KNOW THAT YOU ARE A RESCUE TEAM, BZZT BZZT … SO, HELP MY FRIEND, ERNIE, HE’S BEEN KIDNAPPED BY THE POKEMON SKARMORY, PLEASE HELP HIM …”

“Eh, you need a rescue?” I say happily. Another gold chance to become popular! “Of course I will rescue, I’ll call my partner and we will rescue him directly, just wait a minute!” I sped to Chad, tries to awake him above his bed, but he’s sleeping still. I give him a little electricity and he said “Ouch!” before he gets up. “Chad, wake up!”

“I wake up, I wake up!” he says. “Tell me what happen!”

“We got a rescue request, Chad, we got one! Finally!” I say aloud, excited. “Come on get up and prepare all the stuffs, let me deal with the requestor!”

“O-Okay, I will get everything ready!” he says. I leave him and go towards the Magnet Pokemon. It’s floating with passion in front of our team base.

“Okay, we’ll save your friend,” I say. “Just tell me where Skarmory takes him.”

“I BELIEVE SKARMORY TOOK MY FRIEND TO HER NEST, MT. STEEL,” the Magnemite says. “I WILL ACCOMPANY YOU TWO THERE AND I’LL TELL YOU THE ROUTE TO GET TO THE PEAK.”

“Okay, Chad, are you ready?” I call him.

“Yeah, I’m ready!”

Two months of boredom is faded away, this rescue will worth the boredom I and Chad feels for two months. Magnemite shows us how to get Mt. Steel and we reach it. The place is full of rocks and stones, many wild Pokemon inhabit the mountain. I see many Pokemon I have never saw before, like a Steel-made beast, floating indescribable statue, a blue dumbbell Pokemon. We try to avoid them, pass the rough ways that can risk our life.

But rescue team won’t give up, rough mountain like this is not a big problem, because we will face even crueler places in the future. Magnemite stops, it rotates around.

“HMM, BZZT … BZZT, I THINK WE ARE CLOSE TO THE PEAK, WHERE SKARMORY LIVES, C’MON WE MUST HURRY … BZZT …” said Magnemite, even though we can’t clearly hear it.

“What’s the hurry, you three can play with me for a while.” A blue, monkey-like Pokemon falls from the sky, it has big ears and something like Ice Cream’s top on his head. It floats. “I’m Cole, who are you?”

“Well, I am Jazz, this is my friend, Chad and this is …”

“MAGGIE’S MY NAME, BZZT, BZZT.”

“Yeah, Maggie,” I say. “And sorry Cole, we must hurry, we can’t play with you, we have to rescue someone, oh, maybe you know where Skarmory is? The Pokemon kidnapped Maggie’s friend …”

“How dare you silly, you must call him Lord Keith!” says Cole, infuriated. “He’s my, and all the wild Pokemon’s master here, he’s the boss of this place. And look like you three are against him, so sorry, I can’t let you go through. Unless if you can beat me.”

“Sorry, we don’t want anyone hurts, please, let us through peacefully!”

“You’re AGAINST Lord Keith,” says Cole. “And I’m on Lord Skeith’s side, than it means that I’m against you, you three!”

“Come on, let us!” pleas Chad.

“YOU ARE FOOLISH,” says Maggie suddenly. “YOUR MASTER KIDNAPPED MY FRIEND, ERNIE FOR NO REASON, SHE IS A BAD POKEMON, YOUR MASTER, LET US THROUGH, BZZZT!”

“What do you call me as?” says Cole. “You really make me angry! You better take THIS!” Cole sped to Maggie and kicks him on the body, makes it threw backwards. “You two, go! Now, or I will harm you too!”

“Maggie!” Chad shrieks.

“Chad, you take care of Maggie, let me take care of Cole!” I say. I turn to Cole, who looks really angry, red aura is surrounding him. “Please, Cole, please let us through, we will finish this peacefully, and none will get harm, that’s better!”

“Shut up, don’t tell me what I should do!” Cole says. “I know what I’m doing and I’ll do, stop bossing me, that is pointless, I’m a loyal servant of Lord Skeith, and I will never let you go through, NEVER!” Cole sprints towards me and does a powerful uppercut on my cheek. I fall down, Cole continues his move, I avoid him, his punch hits the ground and breaks it.

“Cole, please stop this, please!” I plea.

“I WON’T!”

Cole focuses his mind and his hand is shining bright, he sprints closer to me and jabbed his glowing hand at me, but once again, I avoid it. I really don’t want this battle, but Cole makes me have to do this. I collect electricity and my cheeks and when he comes closer, I unleash a ball of electric and hits Cole on the belly, makes him strike the rocks and it falls down.

He gets up, even though the electric disables half of his body. It tries to unleash another move, I send him a wave of electric to make him immobilized; it falls down. His body’s shaking hard, he tries to get up but fails. I approach him, seeing him shuddering, half of his body parts are blackened because of the Thunderbolt, one of his eyes is opened, but the other one is closed.

“Sorry, Cole, I must do this,” I say. “Sorry …” He doesn’t reply, he keeps shuddering out of control, I leave him alone, the Thunderwave won’t harm him, it will just immobilize him. I turn to Chad, it looks like Maggie gets better, both of them is now standing – Maggie’s floating – in front of me.

“How is it, Maggie?” I ask.

“FORTUNATELY, I AM MADE FROM STEEL, BZZT, SO I HAVE A TOUGH DEFENSE … EVEN THOUGH I ADMIT THAT FIGHTING MOVES WILL HARM ME BADLY,” says Maggie.

“Good, then we should continue our way to Skarmory’s nest,” I say, but both of them are looking at Cole, giving me a warning look. “Don’t worry about him, my Thunderwave immobilizes him, he won’t attack us anymore, just leave him alone.”

Both Chad and Maggie nod. We continue our way to the peak, and it doesn’t take long time, about ten minutes later, we reach the peak, the sun is now right above us, I can’t believe that this trip has taken more hours than I thought. It’s midday.

“I THINK SKARMORY SHOULD BE HERE … HM …”

“How dare you kids!” says someone. “How dare you entering my land without my permission, me, Keith, the boss of this land, command you to go now!” A steel-made bird lands in front of us, roars insanely and raise her big wings. She glares at us. “You … ah, I get it, let me guess this. You, silly magnet, asks them to save your pity friend, as I believe that they are a Rescue Team. And you, look like have defeated my most loyal servant, Cole the Meditite.”

“YOU SPEAK TOO MUCH, WHERE’S ERNIE!”

“Ernie, that thing has a name?” mocks Keith, she laughs. “And I won’t let your friend go, I need him, now go away or I will –”

“Try to harm me?” I say with challenging voice. “We are a rescue team and we won’t lose to a sore loser like you, spare Ernie!”

“You insects!”

Keith roars, she slashes her big, silver wings in the air and sends an invisible cutter that slashes my belly, leaving a it bleeding. I without no doubt collect electrical energy from inside my body while Keith sends another invisible cutter on Maggie, but its steel body, Maggie defends the cutter better than me, I keep collecting electrical energy while Chad goes towards Keith and threw backwards when Keith’s wing hits him.

I unleash a powerful energy of electric on Keith; the energy strikes her and makes it fall down. It gets up hard and ready to launch another move. “Maggie, listen! Keith must be weak to Electrical energy and both of us can collect electrical energy, so let’s trying to hit her with electric!”

“OK, BZZT!”

“Jazz, let me defend Keith,” Chad says. “I can use Bide, and that would damage her greatly if she attacks me crazily, so both of you will just have to collect electricity and I’ll defend her!”

“But Bide is risky move!” I say. “It may makes you faint!”

“That’s the only way, Jazz! She will keep attacking you if none stop her!” says Chad. I still can’t believe that he’s trying to sacrifice. “Jazz, trust me!”

“Chad …” I say. “I … I trust you!”

“Good, I’ll try to defend, you two, collect as much electricity as possible!” says Chad. “Keith is Steel, she must have a great defense, she can’t be knocked out by a weak electric!”

“We will, Chad!”

Chad sped to Keith, while I and Maggie are collecting electrical power to finish Keith. I see Chad’s defending from Keith’s insane attacks, I want to stop, seeing him suffer from Keith’s attack, but no, I have to keep collecting electric until Chad uses Bide to inflict some damage on Keith. Keith doesn’t stop attacking, her attacks become even crazier, Chad’s shrieking in horror.

“ARRRRRRRRGH!” Chad screams. His body glows brighter and explodes, the explosion doesn’t really hurt Keith, it just makes him threw away some inches backwards. Chad falls down. I scream, but it won’t help, Keith flies closer to us …

“Maggie, NOW!”

I aim my charged electrical power to Keith’s body, my electric and Maggie’s unite and becomes a great, powerful rage of thunder. The electricity hits Keith and creates a great explosion nearby, fortunately, Chad isn’t hit by it. The thunder leaves black areas of cracked grounds with Keith, the leader of Mt. Steel, lying weakly with blackened body.

OOC: I hope this story can be graded even though this doesn’t show Pokeball wiggling at the end …

Ready to grade!
Pokémon I want to catch: Magnemite
Total Characters: 16K+
__________________

Last edited by Volcanflame; 03-30-2007 at 12:17 PM.
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  #2  
Old 03-04-2007, 03:07 AM
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Default Re: Pokémon: Friendship Chronicles

Introduction and Plot: Both of these were sufficient. The idea of a Rescue Team isn't new, but you still wrote it in an interesting fashion, which was good. There were a few things you could try to improve on, such as disjointed sentences, but on the whole, this was well done. ("No requests for today?” he asks. He’s blue and short. He skips towards me. “I can read from your face, Jazz … I really hope for someone to come and request a rescue …” is a bit short and choppy. You could combine two of the sentences. For example, you could have said The short, blue Pokemon skipped towards me. instead of making that into two small sentences.)


Grammar: Your story was readable, and generally free of glaring problems. Your grammar skills could use some work, however. For example, a few sentences weren't quite correct, like this one:

Today, just like usual, I sit in front of my team base, awaiting for someone to request a help, hoping that the giant Pelican, Ruffin, to drop a mail into my red, unused mailbox in front of my team base

I've bolded the problem.

Help isn't a singular thing, per se. A help might be better said as help. Same thing with a mail, it should just be mail, or a piece of mail. ^_^ Also, it would be waiting, not awaiting. Awaiting a request for help would be okay, but in your sentence, you are awaiting for someone to do something, which doesn't quite work.

Your character was probably hoping Ruffin, the giant Pelican, would drop mail into the unused mail box, or hoping that the giant Pelican, Ruffin, would drop mail into the box.


Overall: A few errors here and there, but generally, a good story. Magnemite Captured. Do try to show some indication of capture in the future, though. It doesn't need to be a wiggling Pokeball, but there should be someone involved who can try to catch the target in one way or another.
__________________

My hands have yet to build a village, have yet to find water in the barren desert, have yet to plant a flower, and I have yet to find the path that leads me... I have not loved enough, but the wind and the sun are still on my face.



I have yet to sow green fields, yet to raise a city, yet to plant a grapevine on each chalky hill... There is so much to build and so much to be, and my love is just beginning.

Last edited by FireflyK; 03-04-2007 at 03:21 AM.
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  #3  
Old 03-10-2007, 11:28 PM
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Default Re: Pokémon: Friendship Chronicles

Part II: Nostalgia
“Chad, Chad, are you okay? Chad?” I speak to his weak body, lying on the cracked ground. Keith’s raging attacks leave many serious wounds on Chad. “Chad, wake up!”

“UH, BZZZT,” says Maggie. “WHAT HAPPZENNED WITH HIM? IS HE OK? BZZT …”

“I don’t think so … We should take him back to the Pokemon Square,” I say. “Anyways, Maggie, where’s your friend, Ernie, did you found him?”

“OH, BZZZT, ALMOZT FORGOT,” says Maggie. “HE’LL BE HERE, I CAN ATTRACT HIM WITH MY MAGNETIC POWER, BECAUZE HE’S ALSO A MAGNET … BZZT, BZZT …” A tiny electrical bolt appears near the magnets on Maggie’s left and right body. The bolt’s swirling around the magnet, sometimes, the bolt’s direction changed, and soon, another Magnemite comes from Keith’s burned body. It looks a bit messy, some of his body parts are blackened, and it floats unstably.

“MAGGIE … NICE TO MEET YOU …” the other Magnemite says, as I believe, the name is Ernie. Maggie floats towards Ernie, both magnets share a lit of thunderbolt to each other.

“ERNIE, YOU LOOK MESSY, WHAT HAPPENZED? BZZZT.”

“I WAZZ INSIDE THE BIRD’S BODYZ WHEN A MASSIVE ELECTRIC HITS HER BODY, BZZZT,” says Ernie. “BUT FORTUNATELY, I’M A PART OF ELECTRIC AND I CAN ABSORB ELECTRICAL POWER, BUT NOT THAT GREAT, BZZT, EVEN THOUGH IT DOESN’T HURT ME BADLY.”

“THANK GOD.”

“WHO’S THE POKEMON OVER THERE?”

“OH, THEY ARE JAZZ AND CHAD, THEY HELP ME TO SAVE YOU … BUT PITY CHAD, HE FAINTS BECAUSE OF TAKING TOO MANY ATTACKS FROM KEITH, BZZT.” Both Maggie and Ernie float slowly towards me and Chad, but I can’t realize, which is Maggie and which is Ernie, they are way too similar. One of the Magnemite starts to speak, unleashing its hardly detectable speech.

“WE BOTH FEEL SORRY,” says the Magnemite. “IF ONLY WE CAN DO SOMETHING¬ –”

“Anybody there?”

The voice echoes around the peak, I seek for the voice, I turn backwards, a black, gloomy Pokemon appears from the rocks with other two Pokemon. I realized them at once; they are the Evolution Team. The leader, Umbreon, is walking in front of the other members, Espeon and Jolteon. Leading them to where I stand. I think Umbreon’s eyes are watching me, so are the other members’ eyes. They walk slowly, until they are right in front of me.

Umbreon grins at the weak Keith’s body. Then he turns glancing at me. “Are you, for of you, battle with your own power to make the Skarmory faints?”

I hesitatingly answer, “Y – Yes.”

“I see,” he says calmly. “Can you tell me what happened?”

“Well, I and my friend,” I point at Chad, who was lying weakly beside me, “are a Rescue Team. And yeah, luckily today, this morning, we got a rescue request by Maggie the Magnemite. He wanted me to rescue his friend, who was kidnapped by Skarmory, and without doubt, we agree. And we successfully climbed up this mountain and beat the Leader, Keith the Skarmory.”

“I really awed by your skills for beating the Skarmory, who’s definitely far more powerful than you all. And looks like your friend, Chad, needs a cure.”

“Yes …”

“That’s my specialty,” says the deep voiced, Espeon. “It’s my job and my specialty at healing wounds; I’ll easily cure your friend. Recover.” Espeon’s pearl shines brightly, a warm, powerful Aura unleashes and surrounds me and my friend, Chad. It dazzles and sparkles, I see the wounds I got are now gone, leaving me with a very clear, healthy body. I turn to Chad, he’s waking up, his eyes blink, he gets up. Shaking his head, he turns to me, looks like a bit stunned.

“What happen?” he asks, then he realizes that there’s the Evolution Team. “You – you three … Umbreon, Espeon and Jolteon, you are the Evolution Team!”

“Yes, we are,” says Umbreon.

“Did – did you save me, I mean save us?”

“Espeon saved you,” Umbreon speaks calmly.

“Wow, thanks!”

“No problem, and Jolteon, they should need your agility to get back home safely and quickly,” says Umbreon, turns to Jolteon, who gives a firm nod. “And you two, Magnemites, with your ability, I believe you two can attach yourselves at Jolteon’s electrical body.”

“YEZ, WE COULD, BZZT,” says one of the Magnemite.

“Good, Jolteon, make sure they are go home safely,” says Umbreon. “Our next destination is Mt. Thunder, Espeon, you follow me, and Jolteon, after you have finished your job, you have to follow us, and you kids, take care, and see you.”

“Wait, Umbreon,” says Espeon suddenly. “What should we do to the Skarmory, which is our true destination?”

“Oh, I almost forget about her,” says Umbreon. “She can’t do anything while she’s in such a condition, she needs a little touch of your healing power, Espeon.” Espeon walks towards Skarmory and uses her healing power at her. Just like before, a white, sparkling mist unleashes from Espeon’s pearl; cures Skarmory’s wounds slightly. Espeon walks back.

“Long time no see, Umbreon,” Skarmory says, she gets up.

“I was an Eevee when we first met, Keith,” says Umbreon. “And you were, as I remember, a nice friend of us.”

“Oh, that’s ridiculous, Loki,” says Skarmory. “I was not that nice, you know, everyone could act, and fortunately, I could act well. And you were all foolish; you thought I was a nice Pokemon.”

“Honestly, I have known that you weren’t that nice, Keith,” says Espeon. “I grow up with good psychical powers, so that I could sense a bad side of you. Unfortunately, I was a kid that time.”

“Kathleen, Kathleen,” replies Keith. Now I know that Espeon’s name is Kathleen, while Umbreon’s name is Loki, but I haven’t known what Jolteon’s name is. “You are always that Arrogant. And yes, I know you don’t believe at me that time.”

“Stop this nostalgia,” says Umbreon. “Now, what are you up to, Keith? Claiming this mountain as yours and make your own army, as I believe, all the Pokemon that has lived here for a long time. They suddenly obey on all your commands, could you tell me?”

“Suddenly?” replies Keith. “They have obeyed me for a long time, I set up these plan long time ago, where we haven’t met.”

“Oh, I see. And what are you up to then?” asks Umbreon.

“Don’t be bossy, Loki. Mind your own business,” says Keith, looks annoyed. “This is my own plan, and I don’t want someone to stop this.”

“And look like this Rescue Team has beaten you in a battle,” says Umbreon, “which would break your plan if you’re underestimating them. I won’t let you finish your plan, Keith, I know it’s something really bad, but I have to stop you.”

“Keith, this is not your mountain,” says Espeon suddenly.

“What? Not mine?”

“There’s someone who owns this place,” says Espeon. “Someone who’s tougher and wiser and I think I know who that is.”

“That’s ME!”

“No,” replies Espeon. Umbreon watches Espeon’s words carefully. “There was a former leader, that you have beaten in the past. You fought him when you knew that he was badly injured, he was the stone snake, the former leader of this mountain, Onix.”

“How – how could you now, Kate!”

“I have a great sense,” says Espeon. “And it’s not that hard to find someone who’s forced to obey on your commands, I have evidence.” Skarmory looks very shocked; Espeon’s words must be true. Umbreon turns back to Keith, glancing at her viciously.

Skarmory suddenly swings her left wing and something spiky shot from it, it spins and flies towards Umbreon and Espeon, but both Pokemon avoids them perfectly.

“Sorry, Keith … but we have to … Joteon, take back those kids and I and Espeon will take care of Keith!” says Umbreon. Jolteon gives another nod and swiftly ran towards I and Chad, he pulls us to his back, and both Magnemites use their Magnet Pull ability to attach themselves to Jolteon’s body. I just see a glimpse of something shining on the battlefield …

***


I wake up at the next morning. As usual, I go in front of my team base, checking the red mailbox near a small tree. No letters are inside, suddenly, a newspaper fall down to my head, Ruffin the Pelipper has just dropped a free Sundays News newspaper. I take the newspaper and sit on the chair near the team base’s door. I raise the newspaper so that my eyes can catch every single words printed on it, I start reading an article titled “Evolution Team Brought Down the Skarmory!”.

Yesterday, Evolution Team, the well-known local Rescue Team has brought down Skarmory in her place, Mountain Steel. The team that was led by the black cat, Umbreon has successfully uncovered the secrets of the Mountain Steel. Skarmory with her evil plan fled, that what Meditite, the loyal servant of Skarmory told.
“Lord Skeith is a very nice leader!” exclaimed Meditie. “Those stupid Pokemon broke in, and the battle was very unfair, Lord Skeith is alone while her opponents are more than half a dozen!” Meditite also fled after he exclaimed that. But now, the problem is, there’s no leader for Mountain Steel, the past leader’s location is unknown. This might bring a Chaos to all of the Pokemon in Mountain Steel. But the round Pokemon, Golem take the leader position, replacing Onix.
“Yeah, I will be the leader while Onix hasn’t come back,” said Golem. “But I hope Onix can come back, he’s a good leader.” That’s what Golem said to us, let’s hope for Golem to be a good current leader. Until next time!


So, Evolution Team beat Skarmory that time, and it leaves the mountain without a leader, and then, Golem decides to take the position while Onix hasn’t come back. Where would Onix be?

“What’s in the news?” asks someone with a hoarse voice suddenly, I turn to him; he was Chad. He’s just got up from bad, yawning; he takes the newspaper from my hands and starts reading it. His expression doesn’t change after about ten seconds he reads it. “So, they beat Skarmory, right?”

“Yes,” I reply. “That’s not that shocking, huh? Seeing that they are a local top rank rescue team, why would they be defeated by that silly Skarmory.”

“Who said it was shocking?” asks Chad, turns to me and raises and eyebrow. After glaring me for some seconds, he turns back to the newspaper, turning to the next page. I decide just to sit here and wait for someone to ask another rescue or just wasting my extra-leisure time. Yeah, nothing I could do for my rescue team right now, yesterday, by defeating Skarmory once, I was hoping that the newspaper gives the news from us, but they were too busy to respect something that they think useless.

I stand up, and say: “Let’s go to the Pokemon Square, we could do something more fun there.”

“I should admit that that is a good idea,” says Chad, closing the newspaper and throws it to the seat near the door. “C’mon.”

Both of us head to Pokemon Square, set off from our team base, we pass the coconut trees that were planted beside the road to Pokemon Square. We find the crowd as usual, but this time it is unusual, the crowd is not at the center of the Square, but mostly in someone’s shop. Like the Kecleon’s brother Store, some Pokemon are talking with them and some other Pokemon are look like asking them questions; something a bit like interrogation. We approach them.

“Hm, so your stuffs are suddenly disappear?” asks the orange dog, Arcanine. “Do you have any clues how could they disappear? Did you save them safely?”

“Of course!” says the green Kecleon. “As usual I keep them at – somewhere safe. Just like the others, they stuffs are also missing, even though they save them safely.”

“Yeah, brother is right!” agrees the purple Kecleon. “The thief must be very professional and you dogs must catch them soon!”

“That’s our task,” says Arcanine. “Okay, enough for now, we, the Arcanine Troops will patrol tonight, and the next night and so on. So, you can sleep well, now, let’s go kids.” Arcanine and other two Growlithes leave the store, heading to another store; Kangaskhan’s Storage. All the Pokemon that was around are now have gone, leaving the Kecleon Brothers in they store. I approach them.

“Hello,” I greet them, as they turn to us and realize that we’re there. “What happened?”

“Ah, every shops at this Square are ripped off because they are suddenly losing they stuffs to sell,” replies the green Kecleon lazily.

“Yeah, I lose some of my powerful TMs, I’m so sad,” says the purple Kecleon, his face looks pale. “I want to kill that thief!”

“Do you find anything weird?” I ask. “Maybe the thief leaves a trace, or drops something?”

“Hm, the only thing weird is this,” says the green Kecleon. He takes a black hair from the counter desk and shows it to me. It was black, someone who stole the stuffs must be a Dark Type Pokemon, and it could be … “So, do you know who’s got a black hair?”

“I think … I know,” I say.

“Who’s it?” ask the Kecleon brothers and Chad at once, they face turn against me.

“Chad,” I say. “Do you remember the black Pokemon that stole our mission paper last two days? If I’m not mistaken, her name is Sherry …”

“Eh, the Sneasel?” asks Chad.

“Yes.”

“Yeah, I think she did these,” says Chad.

“Obviously!”

“Then, we should find her, but where?

“Oh, that was what I’m thinking about …”
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Old 03-19-2007, 11:13 AM
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Default Re: Pokémon: Friendship Chronicles

Part III: The Cave
“So, you two know where and who did these messes?” says the green Kecleon, looks curious.

“We think we know,” I reply, turning to the green Kecleon. “But we could not accuse someone without proves and evidences. Well, do you have any other things as a proof?”

“I don’t think so,” replies the green Kecleon. “Only that black hair.”

“Okay,” I say. “We will try to find –”

“Jazz, look!” says Chad suddenly. His chubby fingers are pointing to the sky, where a black, tiny crow flying passes the Pokemon Square. Flapping its wings, it flies not to fast, so I can spot its black body. “Isn’t it Sherry’s partner, I forgot its name though.”

“I think so,” I reply. “We have to follow it, Chad!”

“But what if it passes the oceans, we couldn’t go any further!” Chad replies.

“That can easily be done,” I reply. “We can ask our friend, Ruffin to carry us across the oceans, if he wants to.”

“Ok,” replies Chad. And then, both of us follow the black crow to where it flies; it flies to east and turns to north – it doesn’t pass the oceans, which is a fortune for us, we don’t have to ask Ruffin to carry us, as we know, Ruffin is not a kind Pokemon, he doesn’t want to carry us for free, of course. As the bird flies slower, it also lands gradually. We come to a silent jungle, where we see unfamiliar kinds of Pokemon.

The crow’s still flying slowly, we hardly follow it, because there are too many vines and large trees to pass, sometimes, I step on a thorn, which hurts my feet. It’s bleeding, but I ignore it, I have to keep my eyes on the black crow, and if I miss it, I don’t know what will happen to me and Chad. We’re deep in the jungle, more strange Pokemon we see. Like a black dog who’s howling all the time, or a fake tree, what I mean by fake is, the tree’s walking, and they’re Pokemon!

Finally, the crow lands, it steps cautiously grounds which is full of thorns and vines. Using its pecks, it swipes away all the vines and throws it to another place to make away, it produces a weak gust if thorns are avoiding its ways, which for us is also an advantage, we don’t have to swipe all those vines and thorns on our own. And we arrive in front of a cave entrance, it’s so dark inside. The black crow enters, so do we, we follow it with an extra-caution.

Fortunately, the yellow-beaked crow doesn’t realize that we have been following it. It still walks through the dark cave, it’s going even darker there, but the crow is still continuing its way without stopping. I believe it’s used to pass the cave. There are two paths, we see the tiny and black bird chooses the way to the right and we follow it. We continue walking … but soon, we realize that the crow did not take this way, this is the wrong way; we are lost.

“Oh no, Jazz, where would the crow be?” asks Chad, bewildered. “Did we take the wrong way?”

“I – I think we did,” I reply. I collect a little electricity and focus it to my red spot on my cheeks. The electricity enlightens the cave room, we are in a small part of the cave, no one’s there except us, and suddenly, a blue bat flies towards us. It unleashes a very disturbing sound that makes us confused. I barely stand on my own, I become unstable, and I fall down.

I wake up, the room comes back dark. I can’t see anything, I try to call Chad. “Chad, Chad, are you there? Chad?” I wait for any response …

“Yes … I’m here … a little bit confused, though,” replies Chad in a weak voice. “I will regain my consciousness soon; you’d better set up another light …”

“I don’t think everybody who inhabits this place like light,” I say. “That’s why the blue bat attacks us before, bats hate light. Stay there, Chad.” I rise, even though I can not see anything, I walk around the dark place. I try to touch, but I couldn’t reach anything, everything around are only rock walls. I turn around, as I hear someone’s approaching. I focus my ears to where the noise comes from and suddenly the dark fades.

The room becomes less dim. I turn aside, and see a silver, large stone snake Pokemon is floating in front of me. The snake’s skin reflects the light made by the fire lizard’s tail. The solid snake approaches us, glaring. Its servant, the red lizard loyally follows the snake.

“Why would you here, kid,” it starts speaking firmly. “Don’t you all know that this cave is very dangerous, and many harmful wild Pokemon live here?”

“Well, sorry, but we were following a black crow,” I reply quickly. The snake looks wise but a bit frightening. “We suspect it as the robber of our friends’ stuffs in the Pokemon Square, so we decided to follow the bird when we spotted him. Or maybe you know about it? Would you tell me?”

“A very ingenious decision,” the snake replies. “You did not predict what would happen to you, and I, the leader of this dungeon, never know about the black crow, and if it did something terrible, I will know. I’m Onix by the way.”

“You – You are Onix!” I say, shocked.

“Wow, as I expected, you are though and cool!” says Chad, glancing at Onix with high enthusiasm.

“Well,” says Onix. “You two would go now, this cave doesn’t fit you. I could lead you two. Charmander, let me take care of these kids, you could go back to join the others. Anyways, before you go, make me a mall torch so I could lead them safely.” The red lizard, Charmander obeys; it spits a red fire into a silver cup that is hanged on the cave wall. And then, he leaves. Onix takes the silver cup with dancing flames on it with his mouth and floats towards us.

“One of you, take this,” says Onix. I take the torchwood. “You two really should go from this cave, do not mess with anything or anybody.”

“But we have something to do!” says Chad quickly.

“Something that you have to do doesn’t worth your life,” says Onix. “Follow me and I’ll lead you to go outside.” Onix floats to the east of the place, he turns to us before he continues.

“Chad, Onix must be leading us to outside,” I say. “And we will find the way where the black crow has gone, and if we find it, we have to leave Onix and take the way, get it?”

“I get it,” replies Chad.

“Ok, let’s go!”

And then, we start following Onix. I still hold the torch, raising it higher. I sped to Onix, followed by my blue friend. The torch enlightens the place, there is only the cave wall around, and sometimes I see a group of Zubat is hanging on the cave ceilings. With Onix around us, those Zubats won’t be daring to attack us, so they just still hang and watch us. I turn to Onix, who’s still floating, leading us to outside.

I open my mouth and say: “Onix, you said that you are the leader of this cave.”

“You are right.”

“And then, why would you ditch your past dungeon, the Mountain Steel?” I ask.

“Ditch? I did not,” replies Onix. “Well, I was badly hurt that time when Skarmory attacked me, badly hurt. She used her agility and her hard armor to avoid and defend my attacks. And she kept lowering my defense with her voice, and after I was lack of defense, she attacked me crazily. And yeah, I lost, so I left my old Dungeon to her and migrated to here.”

“But, don’t you know that Skarmory is up to no good? She’s planning something bad!”

“I know it since she attacked me,” Onix replies. “But what can I do? She beat me, that’s the Dungeon Rules, kids. If I lost to someone who challenged me, I have to give him/her my dungeon, even though he/she is planning to rule the world …”

“But the battle was unfair!”

“That is what you think,” replies Onix. “And that is not what Skarmory thinks. Your and her way of thinking is different. Skarmory is not that typical. And I don’t really care anymore with my past dungeon, now I lead this dungeon, and I could not ditch this, I don’t want to be a fail leader for once more, no, what happened at Steel Mountain is enough …”

“We defeated Skarmory,” I say. Onix turns to me quickly, glancing with disbelief expression. “Golem took the leader position.”

“Go – Golem?” Onix asks; his face looks shocked. “Golem is not a good Pokemon, he’s the one who hurts me … wait, wait, yeah, I get this. Golem is a friend of Skarmory, that’s it! Firstly, he tries to hurt me, and succeeded, leaving serious wounds all around my body. And after he attacked me, Skarmory came to my dungeon and challenged me! Yeah this is fit!”

“So, Golem is Skarmory’s servant?” Chad asks, for the first time.

“I believe so,” Onix replies. “Golem will let Skarmory back and rule the dungeon …”

Finally, we reach the separated way, if we go straight, we will reach the entrance to go outside, and if we turn to the left, we will find the black crow, and obviously, with its partner, Sherry the Sneasel.

“This way, kids –”

I and Chad take the way to the left, sprinting. We hear Onix’s voice echoes around the cave, we speed up our way. With the torch in my hand, we could see what’s in front of us clearly and soon, we come to a narrow part of the cave, and finally, we find Sherry and her partner, the black crow, Murkrow. The place’s bright enough, I ask Chad to set down the fire with his water gun and I throw the torch. I turn to them, Sherry was glancing at some sparkling things on the cave floor before, but now, she turns to me.

“Long time no see, Sherry,” I say, glaring at her. Sherry rises, glaring at me too.

“We just met two days ago,” Sherry replies. “It’s not a long time.”

“Maybe,” I reply.

“So, can I help you?” asks Sherry, with a teasing tone. She steps forwards, followed by her partner, Murkrow.

“Give us back the stuffs you stole,” I say.

“Why should I do that?”

“Shut up and give us back the stuffs!”

Sherry approaches us and says: “Beat me first, and you may have those stuffs we stole.”

“Then you really admit that you stole those stuffs, right,” I say. But instead of replying, she blows a swirling wind with snow flakes on it. The wind blows towards us but Mudkip hops towards and defends the wind, ice crystals are surround his body, but he rises, and stands firmly. He gasps, and the next second, Mudkip shoots a powerful water gun towards Sneasel. The move pushes Sneasel backwards and makes it fall.

“You kid,” says Sherry, she rises, and all of her body is wet. She turns to Chad and raises her claws. “Take this!” Sherry sped towards Chad, preparing her claws, Mudkip’s body’s glowing, I know he’s going to use Bide, the risky, sacrificing move that would deal much damage on an enemy. Sneasel slashes Chad with her claws, the first slash hits Mudkip and throws it upwards, Sneasel jumps and slashes Mudkip a few times, leaving him many scars.

Then I realize, Sherry could easily avoid attacks from her enemies with her high speed, if Chad uses Bide and Sneasel avoids it, it will be pointless, so I decide to paralyze her. “Thunderwave!” I exclaim, I unleash weak electricity that curls up and points at Sneasel, whose torturing Chad. The electricity strikes Sneasel and pushes her backwards, thunderbolts are surrounding her body, Sherry’s disabled.

Chad falls down, his body’s still glowing, and the next second, a big light of ball appears from Chad’s body, it hits both Sherry and her partner, but Sneasel and her partner rise, their bodies are shaking. Chad’s move, bide causes the cave quaking, rocks falling from the cave ceilings, I sprint towards Chad and try to defend him. Suddenly, a silver, solid snake, Onix comes and defends us from the falling rocks. His hard skin makes the rocks flying and don’t hit us.

“You two must go from here,” Onix says. “I told you, this dungeon is dangerous!”

“But –”

“Come on!” Onix exclaims, putting Chad to his body. I try to find Sneasel and her partner, but they are gone, they also take the stuffs with them, the only thing I could see is an apple, lying at the corner of the cave, and it has been bit by someone. Then I quickly follow Onix to go outside.

“I think I have to go back to Mountain Steel for a while,” says Onix suddenly. “I have to sweep away Skarmory and her servants from my dungeon – I mean my past dungeon.”

“But who will lead this cave?”

“There’s no leader of this cave before,” replies Onix. “So if I leave this cave only for a while, there should be no problems.”

“I see …”

Finally, we see light in front of us, the exit is nearby. I breathe more fresh air than outside, turning to Onix, who is carrying Chad on his back. “We’re also going to Mountain Steel, are you going to accompany us?”

Pokémon I want to catch: Onix
Total Char: Not sure ... about 23K+
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Last edited by Volcanflame; 03-22-2007 at 09:30 AM.
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Old 03-27-2007, 05:14 AM
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Default Re: Pokémon: Friendship Chronicles

Hey there.

Story: I wasn't too sure what this was at first, so I looked through some of the very first posts, only to see that it's a rescue team story. Even though these haven't been done too often in URPG, at least from what I have seen, I can't call any of this completely original because of that small fact - the story is good, although it's taken from an idea that was already done.

In any case, I found this to follow along a Mystery Dungeon type of plot perfectly, and you wrote it well. There were funny parts, the characters were cool (I liked the Magnemites and their "bzzt" language), and I have no problems with it other than that it basically derives from another story.

Spelling/Grammar: I found a few errors, but nothing too glaring. You have the occasional fragments, strange sentence structure, and issues with comma usage, but those can be easily checked with a spell check document or another grader. I'll get through some of the more obvious ones, though.

Quote:
I and Chad take the way to the left, sprinting.
This is incorrect - when using a phrase like this, the other person has to be mentioned first, so this would actually be "Chad and I". Keep this in mind.

Quote:
And then, both of us follow the black crow to where it flies; it flies to east and turns to north – it doesn’t pass the oceans, which is a fortune for us, we don’t have to ask Ruffin to carry us, as we know, Ruffin is not a kind Pokemon, he doesn’t want to carry us for free, of course.
I'm not too sure what to say about this, as it's all over the place. First, I have heard it's grammatically incorrect to use 'and' or 'but' when starting a sentence, and this entire thing is just a run-on. It needs to stop somewhere! A sentence needs to have a noun and action behind it, but it doesn't have to be quite this long. This could be divided into two or three seperate sentences from what I can see - you can just change this to "The two of us began to follow the black crow where it started to fly. It flew to the east and turned to the north," - and so on. Past and present tense are also confused here (I think you mean "where it flew", since you are describing what it just did). You have quite a few sentences like this, so make sure to check them all for errors in the future.

Length: You seem to be a little short, but it's good for the rock snake.

Detail/Description: Probably not as much as I would have liked, but I'm obsessed with this section. What you had was sufficient, but I saw just a few more places where more could have been placed - especially after dialogue. You had a few gaps after many pieces of dialogue, and I think you could have taken that space to describe character reactions, settings, and so on. However, thanks to the main subject and the fact I have played Mystery Dungeon, I was able to see what everything looked like, and you really are not a bad writer at all. For something more rare, though, you will need to stick details wherever you can. You did good here, keep it up.

Battle: There was none to speak of, but I suppose it can pass since this is a rescue team story. You could have battled Onix first, as that's usually how you got new partners in the game, but it makes sense for something like this. Don't let this allow you to think you can get away without having to do battles for other stories, though.

Outcome: Onix Joins the Team! - More battles and such, please.
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