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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 03-08-2007, 12:43 AM
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Default Adventure Log 004 SP:OVERDRIVEN RAGE OF THE GATEKEEPER

OOC:Since this is a big multi-part story, I wanted to get it down ASAP. This is part #1 of 2(Maybe 3 if I feel like making the enemy UBER). This partially moves the plot along though is mostly fast-paced fighting. I am not sure which part it'll be, but I plan on multi-captures at one point(None of which by Sean Marshall).

Adventure Log 004 Special!
OVERDRIVEN RAGE OF THE GATEKEEPER

A boy with black hair and a green jumpsuit picked up the red-and-white ball containing his new Pokemon. Rock Lee had just caught a Meditite. I gave him a pat on the back as a quick congratulation. We all knew what was next: entering the portal. The group of eight stepped into the swirling purple vortex and into the darkness.

We only walked halfway to our destinataion when something caught my eye. A hole opened in the ground and a strange creature emerged. It wore a red mask with three holes in it. Its body seemed like it was wearing a black overcoat. The hands were dark purple, big, and almost human.

"I...I...I AM THE GATEKEEPER," he said in a robotic tone, "PEOPLE ARE BEING TAKEN FROM OTHER WORLDS TO FIGHT FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S CAUSE. YOU SEAN MARSHALL ARE RESPONSIBLE."

The Gatekeeper looked serious. I looked around at my team. Naruto, a kid who wore orange clothes, had blond hair, and light skin was trembling in fear. I stepped forward, knowing that the overgrown ATM was after me.

"What is my punishment?" I said calmly.

"YOU ARE TOO RETURN EVERYONE TO THEIR OWN WORLDS," it spoke, "I WILL SEAL THE PORTALS SO TRANSMIT BETWEEN THESE WORLDS WILL CEASE TO EXIST."

"Okay...if it must be done."

The creature led my allies to their portal. The Gatekeeper was about to throw them in when I pulled out my sword. I bounded into the air and swung as hard as I could. In a series of sparks, my sword bounced off the Gatekeeper. He closed all of the portals and the battle was on! His hands lost all curves and became knife-like. He swung them in a vicious array of purple flames. I jumped back cautiously. Behind the the glorified vending machine, I could see a blur of pink and red. The red clothing of a pink-haired girl could only mean Sakura. I had to make the attack a surprise.

"Hey you overgrown vending machine!" I taunted, "Can't touch me!"

"THERE IS ONLY ONE THING I VEND: PAIN!"

Sakura slammed her fist into the machine's back. She winced in pain, even Sakura couldn't penetrate that armor. The Gatekeeper began to spin viciously. He created a purple tornado of flames that began to pull us in. We gathered up and Choji used the Multi-size technique to hold us still. It stopped and a purple arm went straight through Choji.

We watched in horror as the green vest, brown shorts, and the person wearing them flailed violently. The hole in the Gatekeeper's mask was filled with what looked like Choji. From that hole, electricity flowed through our enemy's body. He raised black smoke and a black-and-white Choji appeared before us. Then, he pointed at the clone and then to me. We were whisked away and in our place were statues.

"I HAVE SENT YOU LEADER AND THE CLONE TO FIGHT ONE-ON-ONE. THE STATUES WILL REPRESENT ANY INJURIES GIVEN. WHOEVER'S STATUE CRUMBLES IS DEAD. THE WINNER WILL HAVE ALL WOUNDS HEALED AND WOULD BE RETURNED."

I stared at my opponent with widened green eyes. There was no escaping this fight. The fake Choji grew several sizes larger and curled into a ball. He rolled at an alarming speed. I hastily slid away and pulled out my sword. I charged and prepared an attack, but he rolled and changed directions. I had to jump away to avoid an injury. The clone's arm grew to a massive size and swung at me. I widened my sword and planted it into the ground, protecting myself from most of the damage.

I jumped forward and tried to attack, but Choji grew to a massive size and began rolling. This time, he was too big, so I changed my sword to the familiar steel gloves. I thrust my arms foward and slowed Choji down. The giant human's rolling caused sparks. I realized their were spikes on him. The spikes were hurting my hands through the gloves. He was about to bowl me over when I realized I wasn't at full potential. For the first time in an actual battle, I was forced to change the shape of the blue clothes I wore.

Choji was sent flying as my clothes changed to compliment the strength of my gloves. They were heavy and able to boost my overall strength to ten times my own level. I laughed and changed everything to welcome speed. My clothes became light and my sword was skinny. I ran towards Choji so fast that I disappeared. The doppleganger sensed danger and grew several sizes larger. Thankfully, I halted right in front of him.

"Hehehe...congratulations fake, you are the first to witness the secret sword technique I call Overdrive."

I jabbed the fencing sword forward with one hand. I brought it back and stabbed in a different direction. Each time, I gained speed until I finished with a horizontal slash. The statue of the clone chipped away in several places. Everybody except Shikamaru and the Gatekeeper cheered.

"Shikamaru," Sakura said, "Why aren't you cheering?"

"Because," he replied, "When Choji is in immediate danger, he resorts to the red food pill."

The grey vested boy with the spiky ponytail that stuck straight into the air watched the statue closely. Sure enough, Choji's statue became slim and two massive holes were in his back. This caught me off guard. I knew the red food pill was dangerous to the consumer and the opponent. Choji leapt into the air and slammed his fist down. I changed my sword and clothes to supplement both defense and strength. I had massive iron gloves that formed shields and my clothes turned to steel plates. Despite my armor, the blast caused a shockwave that punished my stomach.

I heard a liquid sound coming from my stomach. The attack caused internal bleeding. Choji and I were panting hard. I knew I could finish him with one blow. My sword turned into a slim rapier. I jabbed the blade through the clone's tattered flesh, killing it. The statue crumbled to pieces and I was returned with my friends. All of my wounds were healed and we could focus on the Gatekeeper.

The giant demon raised both claws into the air. He slammed them down with amazing force, causing a quake powerful enough to knock us to the ground. Only one was standing, Neji, a member of the Hyuga Clan. He had a grey jacket with several pockets, blue shorts and a long black ponytail. He fixed his white, souless eyes on the Gatekeeper. In the blink of an eye, he was on the move. A loud popping sound came from his eyes. Neji was calling on the Hyuga's blood trait: Byakugan. Veins grew from his eyes and he could see three-hundred and fifty degrees around.

The Gatekeeper swung at Nejji. The boy jumped into the air and landed on his opponent's arm. Neji ran up the arm and onto Gatekeeper's shoulder. His Byakugan detected a weakness and he was going to strike it. Before Gatekeeper could retaliate, Neji slammed his palm into the beast's head. The machine roared in pain. Choji was forcefully released from the mask. We pulled ourselves to our feet and prepared our next attack.

Neji rejoined us and we had enough time to plan a strategy before the Gatekeeper could recover. This time, Shikamaru wasn't going to plan it out, I was. I took a deep breath and drew out a plan. There would be two waves. Wave One consisted of Me, Choji, Naruto, Neji, Hinata, and Rock Lee. Our job was to get close and target Gatekeeper's head while avoiding his arms. Wave Two would consist of Sakura and Shikamaru. Sakura would heal anybody in need while Shikamaru called out a new plan.

"NEJI, YOUR ATTACK WAS TOO FEEBLE TO TAKE ME DOWN!" Gatekeeper roared, swinging a giant purple arm at Neji.

Naruto burst into twenty clones and they grabbed the arm. The clones struggled to hold still while I gave Naruto energy for his attack. A four-pointed star formed in the palm of his hand as he charged toward the enemy. He stuck it into the arm and a tornado of deadly wind engulfed the arm, severing it. We cheered as blood was pouring from the Gatekeeper's socket.
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Last edited by Strawberry Maelstrom; 03-16-2007 at 04:21 PM.
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Old 03-16-2007, 10:08 PM
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Default Re: Adventure Log 004 SP:OVERDRIVEN RAGE OF THE GATEKEEPER

Suddenly, a strange silence filled the room. Like the silence before a summer storm, we stared at the Gatekeeper. The hole in the mask had energy literally pouring out of it. The arm healed as the black robe exploded, revealing a human torso. The arms changed into human arms and hands. A skinny man with a bugle was standing on top of the creature. The mask was now made of metal with two holes in it. The man played the bugle.

"Introducing the second form of Gatekeeper," he said bowing, "The Colossal!"

The Colossal raised his massive arms into the air. Naruto's hand began to hurt from the Wind Release: Spiraling Shuriken. We sent him to Sakura so he could heal. The rest of us charged forward. The Colossal swung his right arm, Rock Lee, Choji, Neji, and I blocked it, hoping Hinata could get close. Colossal's second arm reached for Hinata. The short-haired girl of the Hyuga clan thrust her palm into his arm. He laughed and the little man jumped out and grabbed her.

The Colossal's friend pulled Hinata to the hole in the mask. Like Choji, Hinata was absorbed. Suddenly, her grey sweater and blue pants appeared. Hinata's face was wrapped in a towel and she ran down The Colossal's arm. Hinata struck Lee in the shoulder. The boy with the green jumpsuit struck back. The other arm was coming at me fast. I brought out my sword and struck it away.

With a swing of his mighty arm, The Colossal seperated Choji and I from Neji. The bugle man attacked Neji while he was dealing with Colossal's other arm. Then, Neji was absorbed and cloned. Both members of the Hyuga Clan were fighting against us. I got stuck fighting Neji and the bugle man while Choji fought The Colossal's arms. To tell you the truth, I felt lucky.

As I dodged a palm thrust from Neji, I looked to Shikamaru. He was stretching his shadow to capture our friends and the bugle man so we can kill them. I swung my whole sword at Neji and he spun in a circle, repeling the attack. Thankfully, this put him and the Bugle Man in a position to get captured. The shadows crept up behind Hinata and stopped her in her tracks. I swung my sword through the three of them, leaving The Colossal.

I looked at Rock Lee and Choji, hoping they knew how to hurt The Colossal. They stared at my sword and I sighed. I called out Ashton's name and my body became engulfed in spirit energy. My sword became a zanpakuto and I became a spirit reaper. My clothes were black robes and a I wore wooden sandals. The Colossal swung both arms down, I caught them on the blade of my massive sword.

Choji and Lee ran up the massive arms and attacked the iron mask. Rock Lee punched several times with no avail. Choji grew to a massive size and rolled into the head, but that didn't work. Only energy could pierce the helmet. The Colossal pulled his arms away and knocked Choji and Lee down. I dropped my sword and began pouring the spirit energy into my palm. The energy formed a ball and I needed both hands to hold it.

All of the energy left my body. The ball had too much energy in it, I was going to drop it. Suddenly, Naruto grabbed it with his hands and created Shadow Clones to look like us. We bounded up The Colossal. He swung both his arms and took out the clones, but we appeared behind him. Both of us flipped and threw the ball of energy at The Colossal. It exploded and destroyed our opponent. Neji and Hinata were free.

The eight of us looked at our enemy. He was a fierce competitor. Thankfully, we all banded together and took him down. Each form had people of importance. The Gatekeeper had Choji as his absorbed sidekick and Naruto, Neji, Sakura, and I as his main enemies. The Colossal had the Bugle Man, Hinata, and Neji as his allies with Naruto, Shikamaru, and I as his main opponents. We all walked off, leaving the body behind.

Suddenly, we began to hear noises. Something big was coming. We prepared to fight a new enemy. It slammed in front of us, but remained shrouded in the darkness. We tried to make out the faint shadow.

"Foolssss," it hissed, "Did you really think I would ssssuccumb to ssssuch a foolissssh attempt to kill me. I am ssssuperior to you and can prove it. Fight me to the everlassssting death. Losssser will be ssssealed away, never to be releassssed. How doessss that ssssound."

"And if I don't," I said, tapping my foot.

"Trusssst me," it hissed, "If you want to ssssave your world, you will fight me."

"Your on," I called out, "Now come out of the shadows and show us your true form."

The dark creature obeyed. It had a long tail, skinny like a snake's. The torso was scaly and three necks emerged from it. Three skinny snake heads were attached to those necks. Each head had a familiar hole in it. The snake creature also had six massive arms. I sighed, another fight against the Gatekeeper.

"What is your name this time?" I asked.

"Wait, did we fight this guy before?" Naruto asked cluelessly.

"Don't you recognize him Naruto?" Rock Lee asked, "He is obviously the Gatekeeper."

"You are correct," it replied, "Few have reached thissss form, sssso I haven't given it a name yet. You sssshall call me Sssslayer."

It was a lame name, but Sssslayer was still a threat. As such, he shall be treated as a threat. I leapt into the air and swung my sword. One of the six massive hands swung itself and knocked me into the ground. The green scales felt rought against my skin. All six arms came crashing down, the party barely escaped, but then the three heads swung towards the ground. The shinobi leapt into the air, but I wasn't a ninja. The head barely missed me and some of the drool bounced onto my arm.

I let out a yelp. Steam was coming from my sizzling arm. The spit wasn't plain venom, it was acid!

"Don't let the drool touch your skin!" I shouted, using my sword to scrape off the acid.

Then, the snake began to slither. We jumped back to avoid being bit. The Sssslayer used his arms to spring into the air. We avoided the slam but Hinata was in a dangerous spot. The monster's tail wrapped itself around her and it coiled up. We tried to shake her free, but the snake's arms blocked our attacks. I thought she'd be eaten for sure, but snakes wrapped around her instead. They hardened and became an egg shell. One of the heads swallowed the egg whole. Hinata once again, had been absorbed by the Gatekeeper.

We watched as snakes crawled from the monster's scales. They began to form a shape. I knew they were forming a Hinata clone. Sure enough, a green version of Hinata stood before us.

"Big deal," I said, "Another cheap copy. We can take down this one too."

"But, thissss issssn't your typical ssssnake clone," it said, "Look clossssely."

Like Sssslayer said, it was different. The snakes began to change colors. They formed the dark blue of Hinata's pants, the grey of her sweater, the black of her hair, and most importantly, her white eyes. This was an exact clone!

"Thissss clone hassss Hinata'ssss mindsssset..." Sssslayer hissed, "It knowssss all of her movessss, even the onessss sssshe keepssss ssssecret."

"Hinata has secret techniques!" Naruto yelled in shock, the only technique he had seen from her was "Divination of the Eight Trigrams."

I stepped forward to face the new enemy, but Neji led Hinata away. We were left to fight the Sssslayer. I decided to pay more attention to the cousin battle. Last time the two of them fought, Neji beat Hinata to a bloody pulp. I wondered if the secret techniques she knew were powerful enough to beat Neji. I sure hoped they weren't.

Hinata charged Neji with her right palm. The boy slid away, his hair flew with him. He attacked with his left palm, but she slapped it away. She went for his stomach, but he slid back and ducked under her right palm. They were evenly matched so far. Neji retaliated with a combination attack. He swung his right palm, which Hinata slapped away. He followed up with a barrage using only his left palm. Hinata was in trouble, so she activated the Byakugan.

Veins began to spread from her eyes, giving her a three-hundred and fifty degree field of vision. She focused her chakra and flailed her arms violently. They created a net of chakra that cut Neji on contact. That was the power of "Divination of the Eight Trigrams." Hinata ran towards Neji again. He appeared to drop his guard, but Hinata knew he was preparing to use Rotation. She stopped before she was in range. Neji activated his own Byakugan and thrust his palms at her.

The battle was getting interesting. One by one, they would launch an attack. One by one, their efforts would be shut down. The cousins were in a deadlock. With every blow, it became evident that neither of them would be the victor.

"Lady Hinata, when did you become this powerful?" Neji asked.

"I've always been this strong," she replied, "But...I've been too shy to show it."

"With this power, I'm sure you will win the attention of Naruto when this is over," Neji said, finally giving praise to his cousin.

"If you want...you could take a break," Hinata said.

I could tell in Neji's eyes that he was shocked. Even in the midst of battle, Hinata offered to help. He detected a trap.

"You're planning to attack me when my guard is down," he said.

"No, the snakes are allowing me to give you water," she said, pouring water from a thermos into a cup.

As she poured the water, Neji's Byakugan noticed a snake pouring venom into the water. His eyesight was incredible. I wasn't able to detect the snake, so to me it just looked like Neji was too proud to want rest. Hinata extended the cup towards Neji. He slammed his palm hard into her stomach, causing her to drop the cup. As the water spilled out of its container, I could see that it was grey. I was surprised, Neji turned the trap against Hinata!

The boy leapt into the air, preparing a powerful attack. Hinata stood up and Neji could tell she was preparing chakra for an attack. Before Neji got any closer, Hinata's attack was ready.
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Last edited by Strawberry Maelstrom; 03-19-2007 at 06:50 PM.
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Old 03-19-2007, 07:47 PM
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Default Re: Adventure Log 004 SP:OVERDRIVEN RAGE OF THE GATEKEEPER

"Repulsion of the Eight Trigrams," Hinata shouted.

The girl thrust her arm forward. Her chakra pulsed out and Neji fell to the ground. As he stood up and swung into his battle pose, he felt a pain in his chest. He started to cough up blood. I soon realized Hinata's technique was a long-range Gentle Fist attack. She had nailed Neji in the heart. Both cousins entered a battle pose.

"Big Brother..." she sighed, "Prepare for my One Hundred Palms of Fury!"

"Heh, my Eight Trigrams can counter that," Neji laughed.

They rushed each other. Neji struck two times, but so did Hinata. Then, they attacked two more times. The attacks rose from two to four, then eight, sixteen, and thirty-two. Neji had reached his Eight Trigrams limit of sixty-four attacks. Hinata struck again, but Neji struck back. He was exceeding the sixty-four attack limit! They climbed up to one hundred. Hinata's attack was up, but Neji struck twenty-eight times!

"Look out!" Sakura yelled.

I was so focused on the battle, that I forgot about the Sssslayer. I had no other choice but to ignore Neji and Hinata. I grabbed the my sheathed sword and waited. The Sssslayer got within range of my attack.

"Hidden Art of the Swordsman: Mortal Draw!" I yelled.

In a blur of speed, I hacked off one of the heads. I beamed proudly until a nasty secret was revealed. Two more heads grew on Sssslayer's body. One head contained the hole, but the other just wanted to kill. Also, another pair of arms popped out of the scales. Cutting off the head like a Hollow wouldn't help. Suddenly, a scream erupted from where Neji and Hinata were fighting. Hinata burst into hundreds of green snakes. The snakes attempted to strangle Neji, but his Rotation sent them packing.

Neji ran up with the rest of the group, "Status report," he said.

"Well...we can't chop off his heads," Naruto said, "Otherwise, two more heads and arms grow in its place."

"Interesting," he said, scratching the back of his head, "Is there any other way of attacking?"

"We could try a Summoning Technique," Choji suggested.

"We could do that," Shikamaru said, "But does anybody have the chakra to pull one off?"

"I can," Naruto said, biting his thumb.

We watched as blood dripped from Naruto's finger. The last time Naruto tried, it took three attempts to summon Gamabunta, and that was when he used the Nine-tails' chakra. Naruto thrust his hand towards the ground after performing the proper hand signs. A symbol appeared on the ground and smoke erupted from the seal. When the smoke cleared, a giant toad with red skin could be seen. He had a large sword in a black sheathe on his back and wore a black robe.

"Why have you summoned me you fool?" the toad asked.

"Gamabunta! We need you to take out that snake!" Naruto yelled.

Suddenly, the Sssslayer charged at Gamabunta. The toad pulled out his sword and proceeded to cut off every head. More heads grew, increasing the head count to eight with sixteen arms. Burning with frustration, Gamabunta struck again. The heads grew back so there were sixteen and now the Sssslayer had thirty-two arms. Gamabunta seemed to have an idea. The giant toad lifted Naruto up. Then, he spat an incredible amount of oil on the Sssslayer. The blonde boy threw a piece of paper with writing on it. The paper caught fire and causing an incredible explosion.

As Sssslayer fell to the ground and Hinata was freed, Gamabunta disappeared. I sat down on the black ground and began to float...No wonder we were weaker than everywhere else, there was zero gravity here. Without realizing it, we were using our energy to keep from floating away. I floated and sank until I was finally annoyed. I stood up and floated back towards the ground. I used my special clothes to change to defense form. Now my clothes were covered in steel, meaning I can fight without limiting myself to gravity.

Sssslayer looked like he hadn't gotten enough energy from Hinata. However, we knew he was still capable of fighting because no portals opened up. Suddenly, the snake shed his skin and transformed into a giant dinosaur with one hole in its head and steel plates covering his entire body. The shinobi all rushed in at the same time to attack. Shikamaru and I just stood there thinking. Steel plates plus humans charged at high speed would equal pain. Sure enough, the steel was too hard for the rest of the party. I laughed and drew my sword.

My sword began to glow as I swung it. That was a signal that I gained a new power. When my blade made contact with the steel, there was a great explosion. When I hit the ground, I could tell that under the steel, that dinosaur fell the pain. I charged for another explosive attack, but stopped. The steel plates began to glow and a blue portal opened. Too my dismay, the portal sucked me in. I watched in horror as my body disappeared inside the portal. Within seconds, I was gone.

"NO!!!" Naruto yelled, "I can't beleive he's gone..."

"He's not gone!" the dinosaur laughed, "I'm absorbing him as we speak. Tell you what, to replace your friend I'll attack you with a little dinosaur of my own."

Suddenly, a Pokemon fell from the sky. It was greenish-brown and had a purple diamond shape in its stomach. Naruto had no idea what Pokemon it was, but he thought it was cool. So he wouldn't waste chakra fighting, he sent out his own Pokemon. A yellow Pokemon with brown plates and slits for eyes burst out of the Pokeball. This was Abra's first battle out of training. Naruto had no idea what moves Abra could use besides Teleport, this would be an interesting battle.

"Abra, use your...um...Flamethrower?" he said unsure of himself.

Abra should sat there like a statue. Larvitar charged Abra with a Headbutt. Using its psychic power, Abra teleported out of the way. Larvitar kept running however, and crashed into Naruto. The Humanshape Pokemon laughed wildly.

"Okay...Abra try a...Focus...Punch?" Naruto said, sounding even more unsure.

Abra's fist began to glow with a blue light. The little Pokemon swung its fist and struck an unsuspecting Larvitar in the back of the head. The Dinosaur Pokemon went rocketing away. The Larvitar seemed mad. In a burst of powerful energy, it charged Abra, slamming into it with powerful force. This was an Outrage attack, but Naruto didn't know that.

"Abra, use that awesome attack!" he yelled.

Abra just sat there and fell back to sleep. Outrage was a Dragon-Type move. Abra never learns a Dragon-Type move. Luckily for Naruto and Abra, without being attacked, Larvitar's Outrage ended. Naruto spent a minute to think of an attack Abra might know.

"Abra, use your Dynamicpunch," Naruto said, finally sounding sure of himself.

Naruto was right, Abra's fist glowed white. As it fired off its fist, it moved very slowly. By the time it was in range, Larvitar roared. The attack canceled Abra's out of fear. Larvitar followed-up with a powerful attack. Inside the dino's mouth, an orange energy formed. He fired off a powerful beam known as Hyper Beam. Larvitar was exhausted from the powerful attack.

"Time to use your-" Naruto said, but was interrupted.

"Naruto!" Sakura yelled, "Abra is stronger when it uses Special Attacks."

"Special Attacks, got it," Naruto replied, "Abra, try an Ice Punch."

Abra's fist glowed with icy energy. The Psychic Pokemon charged at the dinosaur. The Gatekeeper Dinosaur roared in anger, his own son was losing. Ice Punch struck Larvitar with an awesome icy force, knocking it back. Larvitar glowed with energy and used another Outrage. This time, Naruto was ready.

"Abra, don't let that move hit you," he yelled, "Use the power against the Pokemon with Seismic Toss!"

Naruto's guess was spot on. Abra slid to the right and grabbed Larvitar. The yellow Pokemon leapt into the air and began to spin around. The energy from Outrage was being used against Larvitar, it was giving Abra more speed. They fell to the ground at sixty-five miles per hour. Abra swung Larvitar forward and slammed it into the ground with amazing force, even though there was no gravity. Larvitar was dizzy from the attack. Now was Naruto's chance to finish the match.

"This is for Sean!" he yelled, "Abra, use your Dynamicpunch."

Once again, Abra's fist glowed white. I slowly charged the dazed Larvitar. This time, the attack made contact with incredible force. Larvitar was passed out on the ground. Naruto reached for a Pokeball and threw the orb at Larvitar. The baby dinosaur was sucked into the ball. It shook several times, everybody(including the dino) held theire breathe as they awaited the outcome...

Pokemon to Catch: Larvitar
Trainer Catching: Naruto
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Last edited by Strawberry Maelstrom; 03-20-2007 at 03:15 PM.
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  #4  
Old 03-27-2007, 01:51 AM
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Default Re: Adventure Log 004 SP:OVERDRIVEN RAGE OF THE GATEKEEPER

I HAVE COME TO CRITIQUE YOU. >:o

Story/Plot: Twisting the normal “Pokemon world” plot into another anime is pretty original in my opinion. I like reading your stories because they’re different, and because you never fail to make sure there’s always something interesting going on. The only thing I have to say about this is that maybe you could slow it down a bit sometimes. The whole action-packed, rip your head off before you rip mine off thing definitely ensures an exciting read, but when it’s used too much it loses its appeal. Maybe you could add in a little romance or something next time? XD

Grammar/Spelling: All around, this was pretty good. It was flawless until it became closer towards the end. It looks like you were just really anxious to get it finished and missed a few things. Words that should have been capitalized were left lower cased, and there were really obvious typos like “theire” which should obviously be “their”.

Quote:
Abra should sat there like a statue.
Hmm, I’m pretty sure you meant for “should” to be “just” maybe? Anyway, the point is that you need to slow it down a tad and double check your spelling. Word should catch most of the obvious things.

Length: You came up a smidge short here. It ended up being okay because the story was good, but I like to make sure I have every area up to scratch. It makes me more comfortable about the grade, and it’s another thing the graders don’t have to worry about. But that's just me...

Battle:
This was the strongest area. I think I said the same thing in the last story I graded of yours, correct? Anyway, it was two-sided, and entertaining; that’s exactly what it’s supposed to be.

Outcome: It was a little close because of the little guy’s difficulty level, but you still pulled through. Larvitar captured! Nice work. Add some plot variation, and be sure to triple check the grammar to really guarantee a catch. Also, some extra description really adds that cherry on top (or should I say strawberry?). Anyway, have fun with your new monster. ;P
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Old 03-27-2007, 01:50 PM
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Default Re: Adventure Log 004 SP:OVERDRIVEN RAGE OF THE GATEKEEPER

Quote:
Originally Posted by EmBreon View Post
I HAVE COME TO CRITIQUE YOU. >:o
I HAVE COME TO COMMENT ON YOUR CRITIQUE.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Embreon
Story/Plot: Twisting the normal “Pokemon world” plot into another anime is pretty original in my opinion. I like reading your stories because they’re different, and because you never fail to make sure there’s always something interesting going on. The only thing I have to say about this is that maybe you could slow it down a bit sometimes. The whole action-packed, rip your head off before you rip mine off thing definitely ensures an exciting read, but when it’s used too much it loses its appeal. Maybe you could add in a little romance or something next time? XD
Lol, well next time I'm planning on adding some romance-like stuff. More of, character reads, hangs out with girl, and later The Gatekeeper's final form gets a big surprise in the form of a picture.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Embreon
Grammar/Spelling: All around, this was pretty good. It was flawless until it became closer towards the end. It looks like you were just really anxious to get it finished and missed a few things. Words that should have been capitalized were left lower cased, and there were really obvious typos like “theire” which should obviously be “their”.



Hmm, I’m pretty sure you meant for “should” to be “just” maybe? Anyway, the point is that you need to slow it down a tad and double check your spelling. Word should catch most of the obvious things.
Alright, I'll run it through Word next time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Embreon
Length: You came up a smidge short here. It ended up being okay because the story was good, but I like to make sure I have every area up to scratch. It makes me more comfortable about the grade, and it’s another thing the graders don’t have to worry about. But that's just me...
[B]
Hmm...a smidge like 5k? Maybe I could've thrown in another form or something, or wrote about what happened to Sean BEFORE part 2.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Embreon
Battle: This was the strongest area. I think I said the same thing in the last story I graded of yours, correct? Anyway, it was two-sided, and entertaining; that’s exactly what it’s supposed to be.
Thanks a lot, I always try to keep my Pokemon(And Non-Pokemon) battles interesting.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Embreon
Outcome: It was a little close because of the little guy’s difficulty level, but you still pulled through. Larvitar captured! Nice work. Add some plot variation, and be sure to triple check the grammar to really guarantee a catch. Also, some extra description really adds that cherry on top (or should I say strawberry?). Anyway, have fun with your new monster. ;P
Lolstrwbrry ! Okay, I expect some plot variation next time, since I'm running out of Gatekeeper forms and I gotta get Sean Marshall back next story.
__________________



Diamond Friend Code
------------------------
Sean
1933-7453-8426

Last edited by Strawberry Maelstrom; 03-27-2007 at 01:54 PM.
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