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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 03-09-2007, 02:27 PM
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Default "Natu! Hold still ya little..."- A trainers first day on the road.

Balto raised the tip of his red dated hat as he glanced over the wide plains. "This'll take hours to cross..." he thought. He shoved his hands into the shallow pockets of his red jacket and took a few steps forward as the soft thriving grass shined in the reflection of the sun. He removed his left hand from it's pocket and pulled his yellow bag further onto his shoulder, and continued walking. The fingers on the end of his right hand fumbled over his recenly acquired Natu's pokeball. It was strange, he had just got this Natu, not having released it at all since he left the starting point and yet he felt as though this Natu knew who he was. Liting the pokeball from his pocket he opened it with the words, "You could use some fresh air." In a flash of red light the small bird appeared on the ground silently gazing up at him. It's eyes unmoving... unblinking... as if nothing was on it's mind except staring at him.
"Okay... creepy." Balot siad to himself as he kneeled down to Natu, his left knee being used for balance in the grass against his blue jeans. "You're kinda cute huh?" he said reaching out to pet his Natu. "Natu!" it said as it disappeared in a flash of white light, reappearing 4 feet away. Balto sprang up, his blue jeans slightly stained from the grass. "A teleport, I didn't know you could do that?" He walked towards the Natu again, his black boots losing their shine as te sun began to abruptly fade. "Wait... are you doing Night shade... I didn't tell you to do that!" Balto muttered as fear began to creep up on him as the Natu once again teleported, only to appear behind him sqeaking, "Natu!" At this Balto leaped 3 feet in air landing on his face, terrified as the sun returned to meet his red face.
"That's it I've had it... Get back in your Pokeball!" he bellowed hoping no-one on the plains had seen what had just transpired. The Natu shook it's body and teleported again 10 feet from Balto. "Hey! Wait you little...!" he aid running after the Natu as it began a flurry of teleports around Balto, mocking him incredibly. He Reahced into the air at times when the image of the small bird pokemon would flash in front of him. This was his ironic punishment for not letting the little pokemon out sooner. "Oh I give up!" he said falling to the ground gasping for air. "You win... Just stop teleporting OK?!" he was surpised to see that the teleporting ad indeed stopped, and just as he was about to isue another command to really test his pokemon's loyalty, he heard a blood curdiling scream. Balto sparng to his feet once again and searched for his pokemon, only to find it was being held captive.
"Natuuuuuu!" it screamed as an over powering Heracross towered over it. Balto gaspd in horror. "A Heracross?!" he gasped. "Natu! Are you all right?" he asked the small pokemon as it cowered with it's eyes closed on the ground. The Heracross grolwed as it glared down at the small pokemon. "Hold on Natu... I'll think of something..." Balto said breathlessly as his mind raced for an idea of how to get his Natu back without his Natu getting hurt... "Uh... I could no... wait. Yes!" he said as he came to a formulated plan. "Hey Heracross!" he yelled throwing a small stone at the large masculine Pokemon. "Why the long nose, you could run a flag up that thing!" he continued to say while throwing another stone. "The Heracross began to growl deeply, it didn't like stuff being thrown at it! Ut lowered it's head in Balto's direction, scraping the ground with it's left foot, before dashing at Balto with a fully enraged Horn attack.
"Right..." Balto said. "Now wha--" he couldn't finish his sentence before he had to run and run from the massive pokemon. Natu opened it's left eye and glanced around... It spoted the Heracross at Balto's heels, any second now Balto wold get mauled... But the Natu's lack of respect for him left it uncaring ofit's inexperienced trainers current misfortune. And then Balto remembered he had a pokemon that was still stiing on the ground. He slid on the grass and pulled a U-turn and began racing towards his Natu, the Heracross doing the same and keeping cose to Balto trying to exact it's revenge. "Hold on Natu I've got ya!" he said as he scooped up he small pokemon into his arms. "Hey you're not teleporting..." he looked down into his Natu's eyesfor a split second before the Heracross got him.
"Heracross!" it said ramming it's huge horn into the back of Balto. "Aghhh!" he scremaed as he released Natu into the air before falling flat on the grass. The Natu began to fly on it's own in the air and staed down at his trainers body. It fluttered down beside it and nudged the trainers head with his beak... "Natu?" it said realising that what it perseeved as harmless fun, turned out to be that his trainer's pain was Natu's falut... if it wasn't so disobedient it wouldn't have run into the Heracross, and Balto wouldn't have needed to risk his life for him. The Heracross chuckled as it gave a mind crushing stare towards Natu, who eerily stared right back... Realisng what it must do to redeem itself and it's trainer, as star passed over head, Natu made a wish.
"Natu?" Balto said weakly as he lifted his head to see his small pokemon engaged in a staring contest with the Heracross. "You're gonna fight him... Alone?" Balto began to say as he slowly rose to his feet. "No way... you're my Pokemon, we're doing this together or not at all!" He smirked at the Heracross, which began to lower his horn.
"Get ready to use Night shade Natu!" He commanded. Natu nodded in areement as it began to get dark again, except Balto felt no fear, considering he was on the offensive end of this Night shade attack. The Heracross began to lunge at Natu, but stopped in it's tracks as it began to glance around with fear pouring out of it like a water fall.
"Now Natu! Teleport!" At these words Natu disappeared and reappered behind the heracross performing the same move it had done on Balto. The Heracrss fell to the ground in a foetal position as it began to perspire uncontrollably.
"It's all yours Natu! Use... uh... what attacks do you know again?" Balto mumbled to himself patheticly. The small bird pokemon stared at the Heracross as it's eyes bean to glow a sharp light blue colour, and the large fighting pokemon slowly rose into the air above Natu's head. "Oh yeah!" Balto giggled at seeing the once proud Heracross now 10 feet in the air. "Natu! Use Psychic!" The small Pokemon's eyes grew brighter as the Heracross was spun abruptyl through the air repeatedly before being slammed into the ground with a mighty thud. It slowly rose itself to it's feet, beginning to get tired, but evidntly not tired enough, as it began to open it wings it took to the air towards the patiently waiting Natu with a fury attack.
The small bired squeaked as it was hit repeatedly with Heracross' huge horn. The large bug pokemon finished off it's assault by hitting Natu with a powerful Megahorn attack wich sent the tiny pokemon crashing into the ground. Balto dashed over to his fallen Pokemon. "Natu!" he said reaching down. He was then surprished to find his Pokemon was gone. He scanned the surrounding area for Natu, but upon hearing the cries of Heracross he looked up and began to chuckle. Natu had teleported behind Heracross and began using Nightshade again all by itself.
"Yeah! Go Natu!" Balto cried as he began to sweel ith pride over his surpsingly skilled Pokemon. The Heracross hovered frozen in the air with fear. Natu simply poked him with the edge of his beak and Heracross fell to the ground once again with amighty crash. dust flew up from where it had fallen. Natu fluttered down to land on Baklto's shoulder, on the brink of exhaustion from this battle. Balt thought for a moment. He removed a Pokeball from his pocket, and hruled it towards the Heracross, which was sucked inside the Pokeball in a flash of red light. And pokeball began to wiggle... and wiggle...

Hatches @ Post 53
Granbull @ Post 107
Level 100 @ Post 338
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Old 03-18-2007, 01:12 AM
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Default Re: "Natu! Hold still ya little..."- A trainers first day on the road.

Introduction: Your introduction doesn't really tell us very much about your character. We know where he is, but not how he got there, what time of day it is, or what season, or even why he is there. You might want to add a little to this.

Plot: A boy walks around the plains, and his Natu, who disobeys him, finds a Heracross. This is not nearly complex enough for a hard Pokemon. Please add a more complex plot to this story.

Detail: While there were some good details, such as the 'soft thriving grass', you really need more. This would also help with the length. Heracross are supposed have at least 30K, because they are a Hard level Pokemon. You are very far below this.

Grammar: Your grammar is not too bad, but you need to space your story out. Also, please use something other than .... every time you someone speaks. The odd punctuation is distracting.

Battle: The battle was alright, but like the rest of the story, it needs to be much longer for a Heracross.

Overall: Heracross not Captured. You have some good details and ideas here, but you need a more complex plot, and a longer story, for a Heracross.

My hands have yet to build a village, have yet to find water in the barren desert, have yet to plant a flower, and I have yet to find the path that leads me... I have not loved enough, but the wind and the sun are still on my face.

I have yet to sow green fields, yet to raise a city, yet to plant a grapevine on each chalky hill... There is so much to build and so much to be, and my love is just beginning.
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