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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 03-19-2007, 03:30 PM
munchlax2000 Offline
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Default Pokemon chronicals:adventures of kizi

intro to the chronicals.
the chronicals i'm about to tell you about are my own and are going to be set all over the regions,Kanto,Hoenn,Etc,get my drift?kizi is only aged 10 but qualifies to be a trainer,he normally wears:a red baseball cap,white t-shirt,white trousers,and white trainers.Ready?,because Kizi's about to begin his journey.

story 1.Adventures of Kizi
chapter1.adventures start here.

It was a typical sunny day in the beatiful region of Kanto,where flowers bloomed,and where Pokemon belonged to their habitats.
Kizi lived in Pallet town so he had a long journey ahead of him,but he did'nt care.Better still,he would'nt be travelling alone,he'd have his trusted companion Pichu,who he loved and adored.Although his Pichu was powerful, he could'nt win with just his Pichu,he'd have to capture Pokemon on his journey.

Kizi and his companion,Pichu did'nt start their journey untill they'd trained enough so that's why he went into a lot of tall grass just outside his house to battle,and prevail against some wild Pokemon.He knew that would'nt be easy either but he had to be brave,he knew that in his heart he could do it.

so his first Pokemon battle was about to begin,Kizi and his Pichu had to stand strong they both knew that aswell.

"Pichu try Charm attack"but as Pichu ran to give Pidgey a big hug,Pidgey used gust,and huge blasts of gusty winds blew Pichu off his balance.
"Pichu get back up"and so he did,he jumped back up to his feet miraculously and was still able to battle "Pichu use thundershock" Then a shower of lovely sparks threw them selves up into the air,and ramed Pidgey into the ground with tremendous force,thus Kizi and Pichu had won their first battle together.

story 1.adventures of kizi
chapter2. its time

After a tough yet succesful battle against Pidgey,Kizi and his young Pichu are about to setoff for their journey through the Kanto region,
"Pichu its today we set off for our journey together"he said in a determined tone"together me and you can prevail through the thick and thin as long as we support each other"he anounced."For the moment we'll just start off trying to get through Viridian forest"he later declared.

"Pichu lets go through this grass here,maybe it leads to Viridian city!
Oh or not"as a rattata appeared suddenly"well i guess this means,Pichu use thundershock"but as the Thundershock was about to hit Rattata,it surprisingly jumped up like a bird when it takes off.Then Rattata used hyper fang and tried to dig into Pichu with its razor like fangs,It was succesful and Pichu could barely stand up,he had a little energy left but not enough to walk.Infact it had enough energy left to just about do one move,Kizi new that so he gave Pichu the command to use "Thunder"it was a critical hit and pichu fainted just after beating Rattata,therefore Kizi used a Potion on Pichu making him feel a little better.
Shortly after the battle Kizi returned Pichu to its ball and while Rattata was still out of energy,he used a pokeball

And so they eagerly awaited if the rattata would be caught or not.

ready for grading
level~simple
pokemon for capture~Rattata
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  #2  
Old 03-23-2007, 07:37 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon chronicals:adventures of kizi

Well, you have the start of a story here. Otherwise, it's not fleshed out at all, and most of it is just a mess. Your grammar and spelling runs all over the place, action springs forward in just a matter of sentences, and I had no idea just what was going on most of the time. Your character, Kizi, isn't described to us at all (hair, eyes, clothes, and so on), and neither are the settings or Pokemon. Pokemon are probably not as important, seeing as how almost everyone here will know what they look like, but you must describe main characters and where they are. Your reader will not be able to "see" them otherwise, and won't be able to really connect with them, meaning that the story will not work. You have to draw people in to make them fully enjoy your stories, after all.

Your grammar needs much work, as many things aren't capitalized, quotation marks are scattered everywhere, and I don't think you quite know how to use contractions ('could'nt' should be 'couldn't').

Quote:
Oh or not"as a rattata appeared suddenly"well i guess this means,Pichu use thundershock"but as the Thundershock was about to hit Rattata,it surprisingly jumped up like a bird when it takes off.
This is just ONE sentence that bothered me - there are plenty others still like this. There are the random quotations in the front, Rattata isn't capitalized (all names and attacks should be) and no periods in sight. You need to close the sentence somewhere in the middle, as it's incorrect now. Run this through a spell check or something please, because you have so many errors.

Work on the grammar, throw in more detail (tell us what the woods look like, for example), then ask me for another grade.

Rattata Not Captured!
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