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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 03-29-2007, 07:59 AM
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Default The Road to Lavaridge

The Road to Lavaridge
By:Legend Slayer

“C’mon Charizard use Iron Tail!” Yelled Freddy. As the Tyranitar got ready to use a Rock Slide attack the tail of Charizard turned white and smacked Tyranitar in the face.
“Tyranitar has been knocked out. Freddy is the winner” Yelled the referee.

Freddy was a thirteen year old trainer from Lavaridge town. He mostly wore a blue shirt with white stripes and some blue jeans. Coming from Lavaridge he grew a liking to fire pokemon since his Charizard was his favorite. After he won his last battle he thought he should go back to Lavaridge and visit his family.
“Time for bed” Freddy said as he looked up at the moon. The next day he woke up early and set of to Lavaridge.
“Go Charizard” Freddy said as he held a white and red ball in his hand. Then a white beam shot out of it and the shape of Charizard formed.
“Let’s ride to Lavaridge it might be fun” Freddy jumped onto the back of Charizard and grabbed him by his neck so he won’t slide off. As Charizard started gaining speed Freddy wanted to go walking through the tunnel between Lavaridge and Mount. Chimney.
“Charizard stop over here” Freddy yelled as the air rushed into his mouth and Charizard started landing. When they reached the ground Freddy saw the cave entrance to the tunnel he wanted to go through.
”Charizard return” He held the white and red ball again and Charizard went back inside. He stepped into the cave and was suddenly became red and was very hot.
“What the hell?” He reached a spot where he couldn’t walk anymore because of lava covering the ground.
“Go Ludicolo, use Ice beam on that lava” Ludicolo suddenly started doing some movement and then a beam of ice shot from its mouth and turned the lava into ice.
“Good job now return” Freddy walked past the ice and when he saw the exit he broke into a run.
“Whoa!” Freddy hit the floor having tripped over something.
“What the….” Freddy looked around to find what had tripped him and he found a little pole sticking out of the ground. He tried grabbing it but it wouldn’t move. Then he tried hitting it but then the stick turned and faced Freddy.
“Hey... You’re not a stick. You’re a Diglett” Well for tripping me I’m going to catch you. Then the Diglett looked alarmed and went underground and soon five Dugtrio popped out looking angry.
“Uh… Nice Dugtris” Then he tried running but behind him were more of those three headed ground pokemon.
“Go Ludicolo” Ludicolo was summoned again
“Use Hydro Pump on all of these pokemon!” Ludicolo set out a stream of water from its mouth and hit all the Dugtrio and they all went back underground.
“Let’s run for it” Freddy told Ludicolo and they set off
“Wow, that was a close one” Freddy said half laughing.
“You did great Ludi you deserve a nice long rest” Freddy took out his pokeball and returned Ludicolo

“Mom! Dad!” Freddy found his parents sitting in lump of grass covered in ashes.
“Huh?” The father said and he saw Freddy running and he stood up and gave his son a hug
“What are you doing here?” The mother said.
“Cant I visit my parents?” Freddy asked sarcastically.
“Well never mind that now how was your trip here?” And Freddy started explaining what happened in the cave with the Diglett and everything.
“Well son if you want to catch a Diglett you need to have a pokemon that can go down there and get it if it runs.
“Well... I can teach my Charizard how to dig...”
“And I’ll help you” Said his father smiling”

“First thing we need is to find a TM Dig so we can teach it” His mother said

“I think the Fossil brothers have one almost all of the pokemon they own know dig” The father said laughing
“Well then let’s go” Freddy shouted and they left the grass field and went to the Fossil brothers house
“Hey Alex you home?” Then the door opened and there stood a man wearing a white shirt and a pair of big glasses.
“Can I help you?”
“Yes you can… See my son needs a TM dig so he can catch a Diglett so we were wondering if you could give us one”
“Alright I will” Said Alex and he took a small brown disc from his pocket and gave it to Freddy.
“Use it well kid”
“Thanks” Freddy said happily
“Go Charizard” And Charizard appeared from the pokeball.
“Hold this Charizard” Charizard grabbed the disc and then it suddenly disappeared and there was a whole in the ground.
“Yes! It works!” Freddy said happily
“Now to go get that Diglett” And when they reached the cave Freddy sent out his Ludicolo for backup incase anymore Dugtrio appear and Charizard to get that Diglett.

“Oh Diglett come out come out wherever you are” Freddy said stupidly
Then yet again a bunch of Dugtrio appeared and when Freddy ordered Ludicolo to use Hydro Pump they just sank back underground.
“Hmm… Charizard try an Earthquake” Charizard jumped into the air and slammed the ground hard which caused and earthquake knocking Freddy down.
“Looks like those Dugtrio won’t be a problem anymore” Then he saw it that little one headed Diglett moving in the ground.
“Charizard use dig! Ludicolo use Hydro Pump!” Ludicolo got ready to use Hydro Pump but Diglett sank into the ground and then Charizard went from under the ground and hit Diglett hard. The Diglett reappeared and it seemed mad.
“What the?” Rocks were falling all over the place and Freddy knew that Diglett used Rock Slide.
“Charizard look out!” Freddy yelled and Charizard was hit by a rock then by another and Charizard then fainted.
“Charizard return. Well Ludi it’s all up to you now. Use fake out!” Ludicolo moved at an amazing speed which stopped the Diglett from using its move.
“Now Ludi use Ice beam!” And a beam of ice shot out from the mouth of Ludicolo and hit Diglett.
“And now you’re mine!” And he threw a pokeball at the fainted Diglett. The ball opened Diglett went in the ball moved once. Freddy grabbed the ball and started holding it shut. It moved twice. And...

Last edited by LS the Door Mat; 03-29-2007 at 08:02 AM.
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Old 03-29-2007, 08:31 AM
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Default Re: The Road to Lavaridge

Darn, I was hoping this was about Freddy Cougar. XD

Story/Plot: Eh, it was okay. You wrote it a bit choppy, jumping from scene to scene, but it was okay. I was kind of confused at the part with your parents though, I didn't really know what was going on. For a Simple this is fine, but just remember a more original plot is needed if you start writing for anything past this category.

Actually, this was pretty good. You have better grammar than some people who write up loads of stories. You really had a lot of trouble with commas, though:

As the Tyranitar got ready to use a Rock Slide attack the tail of Charizard turned white and smacked Tyranitar in the face.
When you start of a sentence with a word like "as", you need to follow the phrase with a comma. If that doesn't make sense, this is what I mean:

As the Tyranitar got ready to use a Rock Slide attack, the tail of Charizard turned white and smacked Tyranitar in the face.

"Charizard return"
Because you're giving a command, a comma should follow this too.

"Charizard, return."

One more thing I noticed was with your dialogue:

“Go Charizard” Freddy said as he held a white and red ball in his hand.
You need to connect the speech with the following sentence with yet another comma. (You'll grow to hate them ;P)

“Go Charizard,” Freddy said as he held a white and red ball in his hand.

If the following word isn't a name or some other proper noun, you need to make sure it's lower cased as well. For example:

“Go Charizard,he said as he held a white and red ball in his hand.

That's pretty much it, nice job.

Length: Just enough. You could have added some more description since the story was lacking it; that would have given you some more length. Still, you reached the minimum amount, so this is fine.

Battle: Hmm, this was very good to be honest. I couldn't really picture it in my mind. Again, detail should be added to the attacks so they become clearer. Another thing to remember is to make sure you write the battle two-sided. Poor little Diglett didn't even fight back. Oh, and remember that all attacks need to be capitalized. (earthquake<Earthquake, dig<Dig)

Outcome: Overall, this was a basic story; perfect for a Simple mon. Diglett captured! Try to add some more detail in next time. Enjoy your new......whatever that thing is. :P
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