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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 03-27-2007, 01:14 AM
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Default Felix's Journey:Battling the Butterfree

Chapter Two of Felix's story!18,167 Characters.

After stopping the Aipom on the mountains from making pranks,Felix was training his new Aipom which is nicknamed Alpha.

"Alpha, use Double Attack on the rock! Iron Tail twice!" Felix said. Felix wanted to work with Alpha's Double Attack more. Alpha charged toward the rock and hit it twice with with it. The rock cracked but then shattered.

"Now use Double Attack! Swift and Shadow Ball!" he said. Alpha then fired a Swift then Shadow Ball on another rock. It shattered into pieces and fell on the ground. Felix then saw a whole flock of butterfree flying out of the Petalburg forest. In the crowd, Felix could see a black Butterfree with green eyes, and has whitish orange wings.

"Whoh, is that a shiny?" Felix said. He opened his pokedex and pointed it at the butterfree.

"Butterfree's wings are protected by rain-repellent dust. As a result, Butterfree can fly even in rain," Dex said.

"The color looks different so it has to be a shiny!" he said.

"Alpha, ready for your first battle!" Felix shouted. Alpha let out a fist, showing that he's ready. Felix was running toward the shiny butterfree.

"Alpha, use swift to get it's attention!" He shouted.Alpha fired a swift but for some strange reason it seemed to have collide with something else. A trainer came out of the woods.

"That butterfree is mine, my name is Jared.Winner gets the butterfree, we'll do a double battle," Jared said.

"Fine, go Tooth and Alpha!" Felix shouted. Felix threw Tooth's pokeball in the air and Tooth the totodile landed on the ground.

"Go, Eevee and Buneary!" Jared shouted.

All pokemon were giving a stare at each other. Felix knows he must have got the Buneary from Sinnoh because he never saw one in Hoenn. Buneary is a brown bunny with white on it and it's standing. It also has big floppy ears.

"Tooth, use Ice Punch! Alpha, use Focus Punch!" shouted Felix. Both charged toward the pokemon.

"Buneary, protect!" Jared said. Buneary hopped in front and used protect, sending Tooth and Alpha back a little.

"Now, Eevee, use Shadow Ball on the Aipom!" Jared shouted. Felix noticed the shiny butterfree was flying toward the battle scene.

"Alpha, try to dodge!" He said. But it was too late, Alpha was hit by the shadow ball.

"Alpha, use swift on the Buneary! Tooth, use Bite on the Eevee!" said Felix. But Butterfree suddenly used Silver Wind on Jared! His clothes blew away and he turned out to be a Team Rocket member.

"Your a rocket member!" said Felix.

"Yes, I am and that Butterfree is going to the boss as soon as I finish you off! Buneary, use Jump Kick on the Aipom! Eevee, use Quick Attack!" Jared said.

"Alpha, grab it's leg with your tail and launch it at Eevee! Tooth then use Ice Beam!" Felix shouted. Alpha grabbed the Buneary's foot, spinned around, and threw it at Eevee. Alpha made a "Piece" sign with it's tail. Eevee stopped and ran the other direction but Tooth used Ice Beam on the floor, causing it to slip. Eevee was hit and both pokemon hit a large rock. The Shiny Butterfree was amazed.

"Get up! You can't lose to this twerp!" shouted Jared. Eevee and Buneay barely got up.

"Both combine your Shadow Ball!" He shouted. Jared is quite angry because Felic is beating him.

"Tooth, use a Full Power Ice Beam! Alpha, use a full power Solar Beam!" Felix said. Both charged up and fired a beam. Felix didn't expect it but the two moves fused together. Both moves hit each other but it seems that Alpha's and Tooth's attack won the war. They went through the shadow ball and hit the Buneary and Eevee. They fainted.

" I win," said Felix. Tooth and Alpha hopped toward Felix and jumped on him. Maybe, I can steel his pokemon, said Jared, returning his pokemon. Jared let out a grin but he had no pokemon left so he left the area. The shiny butterfree flew over to Felix and landed on his shoulder.

"You want to come with me?" Felix said. The butterfree said it's name happily, meaning that it wants to go. Then the butterfree flew a few feet away and said it's name.

"Oh, you want to battle. Go Alpha!" said Felix. Alpha hopped fordward while Tooth just sat down and watched the battle.

"Alpha, use swift!" said Felix. Butterfree was hit but suddenly powder came out of the smoke that was made.

"Alpha,hurry and use protect! And Tooth, you might wanna.." Felix noticed that Tooth fell asleep and he wasn't even in the battle! Alpha used protect but it failed. Alpha fell asleep.

"Alpha, Sleep Talk!" He said. Alpha used it and Butterfree was using Silver Wind which sent the sleeping Alpha into the air. Alpha's sleep talk turned out to be a Focus Punch but it missed. This Butterfree is strong, Felix said in his mind. Butterfree was charging up for a Hyper Beam

"Alpha, Sleep Talk!" He shouted again. They Hyper Beam was coming fast at Alpha! Alpha's Sleep Talke turned out to be a Solar Beam. Both Beams collide and an explosion was at the middle. Alpha woke up and Alpha was angry.

"Use Double Attack! Iron Tail then Focus Punch!" Felix said. He knows that Double Attack is Alpha's strongest attack which lets him use a move twice. Alpha hopped toward Butterfree and used Iron Tail, sending Butterfree to the ground. Felix hopes this battle wouldn't effect anything if hurts it. Alpha then used Focus Punch but Butterfree rolled and Alpha hit the ground, which hurt his tail. It began to rain and Felix thought it was a disadvantage but then he remembered Dex told him.

"Alpha, you okay?" Felix asked. Alpha slowly rose up and said it's name, showing that it's ready. Butterfree used Gust and Alpha was sent in the air.

"Alpha, use Sand Attack!" Felix shouted. Tooth woke up from the previous sleep powder. Alpha used the sand below him and threw a ball of it at Butterfree but Butterfree's ability, Compound Eyes, raised it's accraucy since the beginning of the battle so really it's at normal. Suddenly, Butterfree used Stun Spore and it was coming fast at Alpha.

"Use Agility to dodge!" said Felix. Alpha ran fast but Alpha was paralyzed. The Butterfree then used rest.

"Alpha, use your rest!" Felix said. Alpha fell asleep. Both pokemon were asleep, recovering their HP.

"Alpha, Sleep Talk!" Felix shouted. Alpha used Sleep Talk and it turned into a Focus Punch. Butterfree used Sleep Talk and it used Gust. Both were hit at the same time but Alpha was sent backwards.

"Sleep Talk!" Felix shouted. But it turned out to be a Tickle which lowered Butterfree's attack and defense. Butterfree's sleep talk turned out to be a Confusion. Alpha was lifted in the air and was sent flying toward a rock. Alpha woke up but Butterfree didn't.

"Alpha, use Focus Punch!" said Felix. Alpha ran to Butterfree and use Focus Punch. Butterfree woke up and used Silver Wind. Alpha was hit but Alpha used Swift which Felix didn't even say anything. Alpha was getting angry. Butterfree got hit by swift.

"Alpha, use Double Attack! Swift and Shadow Ball!" Felix shouted. Butterfree got hit by swift but dodged Shadow Ball. Suddenly a net was fired and trapped Butterfree!

"Haunter, use Shadow Ball!" said a voice. Felix knew who's voice. Jared's. The Shadow Ball hit Alpha.

"Now, use Psychic on both,the Aipom and Totodile!" Jared shouted. Alpha and Tooth were lifted in the air.

"Use Shadow Punch then Hypnosis and send them flying!" Jared said. Haunter made Tooth and Alpha closer to it and Haunter used Shadow Punch on both of them. Pulling them closer, Haunter used Hypnosis and made them both asleep.

"Give them a nightmare while your at it!" Jared said. Haunter used nightmare and both pokemon were making sounds. Then they were sent flying but Felix manage to catch them both.

"Oh, don't worry Felix, I didn't forget about you," Jared said with a smirk. He snapped his fingers and Haunter used Psychic.

"Use Hypnosis!" Jared said. Haunter looked at Felix directly in the eyes and used Hypnosis. Felix fell asleep and the psychic wared off. Felix landed painfully on the ground.

"Your luck I won't give you a nightmare because I really have to thank you for weakening the Butterfree," Jared said. But the Butterfree kept using Silver Wind on the net.

"Haunter, use Hypnosis on that Butterfree!" said Jared. Haunter flew near the net and used Hypnosis. Butterfree fell asleep. Jared and his Haunter ran away with the shiny Butterfree.

"Later,squirt!" Jared shouted as he went into the woods. Felix woke up hours later with his pokemon shaking him. "What time is it?" Felix said. It was dark out with a full moon. Felix looked at the pokedex and the clock said 11:49:21.

"Where's the Butterfree?" Felix said, looking around. Jared and the Butterfree was no where in sight.

"Are you guys okay?" Felix asked. Both pokemon nodded.

"Let's try to find him, he needs to rest somewhere but he could be anywhere by now," Felix said. Suddenly, a group of regular Butterfree came to Felix. They all shouted they're names. Alpha and Tooth began contacting with it. When they were done, Tooth was tugging on Felix's shirt and Alpha was using his tail to point to the Butterfree.

"You want me to follow the Butterfree?" he said. Tooth nodded and so did Alpha. The Butterfree were flying away and Felix, Alpha, and Tooth began following them. Felix went through half of the forest and they discovered a log cabin with a red R on it. Alpha pointed that way.

"He's in there?" Felix asked. If I was Jared, I would probobly fly to Kanto or something, Felix said in his mind. The Butterfree all nodded. Felix looked inside the Window. Jared was sitting on the sofa with the shiny Butterfree in a cage. The cage was on a desk at the right side of the sofa. Jared's Buneary was guarding it.

"Alpha, go sneak through the Chimney and try to get Butterfree out without Jared sitting seeing you. We'll give you a signal when to go inside. We'll distract the Buneary and it will lure Jared out. We'll go in if he sees you," Felix said. Alpha gave a thumbs up sign and a smile. Alpha climbed to the top of the cabin and sat on the chimney, waiting for the signal.

"Okay, Tooth here's the plan," Felix said. Tooth was outside the door window and Buneary saw Tooth but not Jared. Tooth was holding a rare berry and Buneary was looking at it. Tooth threw it then ran to the other side of the cabin where Felix is. Buneary opened the door and ran.

"Where are you going?" Jared shouted, following Buneary out the door. Although, Jared locked the door when he left. Felix gave a thumbs up sign and then Alpha did. Alpha climbed through the chimney and stuck it's head out, making sure that's nobody is inside. Butterfree saw Alpha and turned happy. Butterfree then saw Felix and Tooth coming in the door when they removed the lock.

"We'll have to get Butterfree out of the cage later because Jared could come back any minute now," Felix said. Felix grabbed the cage and Tooth and Alpha was about to go out the door but they saw Jared's Buneary. The Buneary ran under Felix's feet and Jared then saw Felix.

"Oh great, it's you again, you shouldn't have followed me here you idiot," Jared said. He threw out two of his pokemon and a Vibrava and a Growlithe came out. Growlithe's Intimidate lowered Alpha's and Tooth's attack power.

"Alpha and Tooth, your up," said Felix, putting the cage beside him.

"Alpha, Focus Punch on Growlithe!" Felix shouted.

" Virbrava, use Dragon Breath on that Aipom to help Growlithe!" Jared said. Vibrava fired a Dragon Breath at Alpha. Since Alpha was already in the air, Alpha can't dodge it.

"Tooth, Water Gun!" Felix shouted. Alpha looked at the Dragon Breath but it stopped when Tooth used Water Gun on it. Alpha used Focus Punch on the Growlithe and it turned out to be a direct hit. Alpha made a thumbs-up sign.

"Vibrava, use Confusion on the Totodile and Growlithe, use Flame Wheel!" Jared shouted. Vibrava confused Tooth and Growlithe was charging at Alpha with a Flame Wheel.

"Tooth, use Ice Beam on the floor to stop Growlithe!" Felix shouted. Tooth fired a Ice Beam but it didn't hit the floor. It hit Alpha due to Tooth's confused state. Alpha got hit and was frozen. Growlithe then hit Alpha and was sent to the other side of the room. Alpha broke free out of the ice when Alpha hit the ground.

"Tooth, use Hydro Pump on Vibrava!" Felix said. Tooth hit itself in it's confusion but then snapped out of it.

"Tooth, go in the air and use Ice Beam on Vibrava! Alpha, climb the ceiling!" Felix shouted. Alpha hopped back in the battle. Butterfree was watching the pokemon in amazement.

"Growlithe, use Flamethrower!" said Jared.

"Alpha, Swift!" Felix said. Growlithe fired a flamethrower but Alpha fired a swift from the ceiling, blocking it. Vibrava was hit by the Ice Beam and took major damage. Vibrava fainted.

"Good job, Tooth!" said Felix. Then he forgot about Growlithe.

"Growlithe, use Overheat then Will-o-Wisp on the Aipom!" Jared shouted. Growlithe glowed red and used Overheat on Alpha. Alpha was burnt but still alive. Alpha landed painfully on the floor but slowly rosed up. Then Growlithe used Will-O-Wisp on Alpha. Alpha was right in the middle of the blaze but Jared must have forgot that he was in a house.

"Tooth, use Water Gun to get rid of the flames!" Felix said. Tooth used water gun and Felix found that Alpha fainted. Felix ran to Alpha and put him near Butterfree. Butterfree looked at Alpha. Now, it's only Tooth and Growlithe but I clearly have an advantage, Felix said in his mind.

"Tooth, use Water Gun!" Felix shouted.

"Growlithe, dodge and use Take Down!" said Jared. Growlithe ducked and ran to Felix.

"Tooth, grab Growlithe and use Water Gun again!" Felix said. Tooth grabbed Growlithe but Growlithe seemed to be beating him. Tooth fired a water gun which did major amout of damage but Growlithe was barely standing.

"Finish this with Hydro Pump!" Felix said. Tooth hopped in the air and was getting ready to use Hydro Pump.

"Quick while it's in the air, use Overheat!" shouted Jared. Growlithe smirked and fired a fireball. Tooth couldn't move in the air and he was now in the middle of the fireball. Tooth hit the wall at the other side of the room. Alpha gained some energy back and watched the fight.

"Now, use Take Down!" He shouted. Growlithe went to Tooth and hopped in the air.

"Use Hydro Pump," Felix said.

"What?" Jared shouted, knowing that if Hydro Pump hits Growlithe will faint. Tooth fired a Hydro Pump and it hit Growlithe. Growlithe fainted.

"He beat me.... AGAIN?" Jared shouted, angrily. Tooth hopped toward Felix and knocked him over. Jared snapped his fingers and his Haunter came through the ground and took Butterfree.

"Hey!" Felix shouted. Haunter gave the shiny Butterfree to Jared and he ran out the door but he stopped for some strange reason. A lot of regular Butterfree blocked Jared. They all used sleep powder. Jared and his Hunter fell asleep and landed to the ground.

Felix ran to the cage when the sleep powder was cleared and went to the pokemon center in Petalburg. Felix gave Nurse Joy Felix's pokemon. Felix tried to get Butterfree's cage open. He couldn't break it but he knows Alpha and Tooth can.

"Tooth, Ice Beam on the cage and Alpha, use Focus Punch!" Felix shouted when he got outside of the pokemon center. Tooth fired a Ice Beam and froze the whole cage then Alpha used Focus Punch and broke half of it. Butterfree flew happily out of the cage. Then it talked to Alpha. When the talking was over, Alpha was making fake punches and pointed to Butterfree, meaning that it wants to battle again.

"Sure but Butterfree you have to try!" He said. Alpha hopped fordward while Tooth is sleeping in it's pokeball.

"Alpha, use Swift!" Felix said. Alpha's tail glowed and a swift came out of it. It hit Butterfree since it's a unavoidable attack. Butterfree countered with Silver Wind. Alpha tried to dodge but it got hit.

"Alpha, use Iron Tail!" Felix shouted. Alpha's tail glowed and tried to hit Butterfree but Butterfree dodged and used Sleep Powder.

"Alpha, use Swift to get the Sleep Powder away!" Felix shouted. Alpha used swift on the Sleep powder and they eventually split apart and dissapeared. But Butterfree wasn't done, it used Psybeam. Alpha looked at it and got hit. Only got one foot on the ground but Alpha got confused!

"Use Focus Punch!" Felix said. Alpha was confused and attacked himself. Butterfree was using Bug Upheavel and flew toward Alpha.

"Alpha, use Shadow Ball!" Felix shouted. Alpha did use Shadow Ball but it hit the ground, making smoke. Butterfree stopped and looked around. Alpha then snapped out of confusion.

"Alpha, Swift!" said Felix. Butterfree used Gust to clear the smoke away but then Butterfree saw a swift attack coming straight at it. Butterfree got hit but it decided to charge for a full power Psybeam.

" Full Power Solar Beam!" Felix shouted. Alpha charged up for the Solar Beam and Butterfree charged up for a Psybeam. Finally, both beams were fired and both collide. Both pokemon were sent back and the sun began to rise. Felix realized he been up for the whole night to capture a shiny Butterfree. Hie eye lids were beginning to feel heavy but he has to stay awake in order to capture the shiny Butterfree.

"Alpha, we need to end this quick! Use Shadow Ball!" Felix said with a yawn. Felix could tell that Alpha is also getting tired. The Shadow Ball missed Butterfree and Butterfree countered with Silver Wind.

"Alpha, use Thunder Bolt then Rest," said Felix. Alpha used Thunderbolt and it hit Butterfree, making major damage. Butterfree was paralyzed. Alpha then fell asleep and slowly began to recover energy. Butterfree was trying to move but it was still paralyzed.

"Alpha, Sleep Talk," Felix said, sleepily. Alpha used Sleep Talk and it turned out to be Double Attack! Alpha used Shadow Ball then Focus Punch. Butterfree got hit by Shadow Ball and tried to dodge Focus Punch but due to paralyzation, Butterfree couldn't move. Butterfree got hit but it managed to use Gust which lifted Alpha into the air and landed painfully on the ground. Alpha woke up and smiled.

"Alpha, finish this with Swift," Felix said. He was too tired to shout. Alpha used Swift and Butterfree was hit but it then used Psybeam on Alpha. Alpha got hit and was blown back a few feet and hit a rock, breaking half of it. Butterfee then combined Gust and Silver Wind making it a Silver Tornado. Alpha tried to dodge but he felt pain when he crashed into the rock. Alpha got hit and crashed into another rock but instead Alpha hit it so hard that the rock completely shattered into pieces about the size of your hand. Alpha barely had any energy left.

"Use Full Power Focus Punch," Felix barely said, feeling that he can fall asleep any minute now. Alpha hopped from rock to rock to get in the air and jumped high in the air above Butterfree. Felix eyes are almost shut. Butterfree hit the ground forming a small crater and stood there.

"Go Pokeball," Felix said. He threw the pokeball and it hit Butterfree. Felix fell to the ground and fell asleep. The ball shook once then twice.

Then....
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Last edited by Tooth the Totodile; 03-29-2007 at 11:31 PM.
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  #2  
Old 03-28-2007, 07:37 PM
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Default Re: Chapter 2:Battling the Butterfree

Edit and finished it.

EDIT:Please grade this,I want to start another story and I think it's good!
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Last edited by Tooth the Totodile; 03-29-2007 at 02:24 PM.
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Old 03-29-2007, 02:56 PM
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Default Re: Chapter 2:Battling the Butterfree

As requested, I'll post a grade in a few minutes.

Grade:

Plot: Wow, I hear this all the time, but reading this makes me understand. Slow down the plot. In a few sentences you went from training an Aipom to battling some random trainer over a Butterfree you saw two seconds ago.

Grammar: You made a few mistakes here. You forgot to capitalize the occasional name and move, and one time you capitalized the whole name. Also a couple of spelling and punctuation mistakes. Also, try and replace the names of people with him, he, her, she, etc. That makes it sound a lot better than saying Aipom or Jared over and over.

Detail: You kind of lacked a lot of detail here. There were parts where you would describe part of the Pokemon, but I never got a mental image of anything. The more you describe, the more your reader understands. For example, maybe the reader doesn't pay attention to the new Pokemon list? They wouldn't have a clue what a Buneary is. Also, detail adds a new layer to the battle. Not only are you talking about what attacks are used, but then you go into super-power mode because you described the battle well enough that the reader is on the of their seat. Try and picture what you want to type for yourself before you hit the keys.

Length: 18,000+ characters. According the The Big List of URPG Pokemon is 2,000 characters short. I'm gonna let that slide this time. Next time, check the list for an accurate estimate of the required characters.

Battle: I thought the battle was kind of dull. For one part, it lacked a lot of possible detail. Like I said for detail, close your eyes and picture the attacks used. Some people don't know what Double Attack is. Also, you were way too fast with the moves. Aipom went from Sleep Talk, to Double Attack, to Shadow Ball, and finished with Focus Punch, all in one paragraph. I suggest trying to extend your moves to at least three sentences per attack. If you find this difficult remember; One to fire the attack, what the attack looks like, and one more to hit(or miss) the enemy. As for the actual battling part of the battle, I felt is was a bit two-sided, though Butterfree should've scored a few more hits.

Success: I took everything into account. Your length came up a bit short, but within range. You lacked enough detail to make the story interesting. Your plot was kind of rapid fired events. And your battle was sort of dull.

Butterfree not captured... Take into account what I said, make a few edits and PM me for a re-grade.
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Last edited by Strawberry Maelstrom; 03-29-2007 at 03:21 PM.
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Old 03-29-2007, 04:55 PM
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Default Re: Felix's Journey:Battling the Butterfree

Edited it and sent you a PM although I think I forgot something.
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Old 03-29-2007, 07:40 PM
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Default Re: Felix's Journey:Battling the Butterfree

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tooth the Totodile View Post
Edited it and sent you a PM although I think I forgot something.
Okay, I'll re-read it and see if what you forgot is necessary for the capture.

Grade #2:

Plot: I think this might've been another thing you forgot. You added a bit of transition. However, it still went from training to spotting to battling a trainer a bit too fast in my opinion.

Grammar: I think you forgot to run it through a grammar check. All of the mistakes from last time are still there. Not enough to seriously hurt you though, so be thankful.

Detail: I see you added a bit of detail, but I'm still uncertain what the attacks look like, or even what Buneary is. Remember, what color is the Pokemon and what shape is it? Again, remember to picture what you want to type.

Length: 18,500+ Characters, same a bit higher than before. It is still 1,500 characters short of the 20,000 minimum. You still did pretty well.

Battle: You did well taking my advice about the three sentences per move, but it still could be better. I'm guessing this battle might be good enough to catch Butterfree. However, I suggest you add more detail and length next time.

Success: I hate to say it but...

Butterfree not captured... You'll have to go through the story again and be sure to edit what I told you this time. Especially for "Plot," "Detail," and "Grammar." I'm sure you'll do fine next time.
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Last edited by Strawberry Maelstrom; 03-29-2007 at 07:56 PM.
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Old 03-29-2007, 11:32 PM
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Default Re: Felix's Journey:Battling the Butterfree

I think I fixed the plot and detail but I can't download the grammer check thing so I couldn't find any.
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Old 03-30-2007, 03:35 PM
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Default Re: Felix's Journey:Battling the Butterfree

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tooth the Totodile View Post
I think I fixed the plot and detail but I can't download the grammer check thing so I couldn't find any.
Okay, as long as Plot and Detail are good enough, Grammar won't really matter.

Plot: You slowed down the plot a bit. The only thing that hasn't changed is the whole chasing after the Butterfree and suddenly finding Jared. Try keeping an eye out for this stuff when you look through your story.

Grammar: Same mistakes as before. Don't you have Microsoft Word? It has a spell-check already installed. That might help you.

Detail: Uhh...yeah. You did a somewhat decent job of describing the story. You described Buneary enough so that those who don't look at the D/P Pokedex can start picturing what it would look like. I still felt you could've done a little bit better at this area. Hate to say it, but I'm a little stricter when it comes to Detail.

Length: 19,000 Characters, you went higher than before. For the 3rd time, good job.

Battle: You did an okay job here. Your description kind of helped me see the battle. Not much else I can say. Except, you could always try to make your enemy seem immortal, if your attacks keep missing or the opponent keeps shaking them off, it builds up suspense for when you finally win.

Success:I'm a little disappointed in certain areas. Though Quanity >>> Personal Opinion.

Butterfree Captured! You tried hard and finally succeeded, good job. Just take my advice next time so you can get your mon sooner. <(^_^)>
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