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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 03-30-2007, 07:12 AM
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Default The City The Gym and the.. Wag?

The City The gym and the.. Wag?




After leaving Lavaridge Freddy decided he should go challenge Mossdeep gym. The only thing he didn’t know was how to get to Mossdeep. He reached Lilycove city fast enough but then had no idea what to do. He went around asking people but most of them never even heard of Mossdeep. So then he decided to buy a map from the largest Pokemart in all of Hoenn. After Freddy got the map he found out that he needed to surf on one of his Pokemons back to get to Mossdeep. And so he did. He sent out his Ludicolo and started training it to surf. While training near the shore of Lilycove, Freddy spotted a small blue pokemon with a while belly and a white circle on it. He went to grab it but it ran back into the sea.


“Hmm… I wonder what that was” Freddy stared into the open sea talking to himself but then he went to training his Ludicolo. After a few days of hard work Ludicolo seems to have got it. Freddy could now surf on the back of Ludicolo.


“Well… We’ll go to Mossdeep tomorrow but now you rest” he took out the white and red ball and returned Ludicolo. On that night when Freddy was camping on the shore he heard a noise. He looked out and there was that blue pokemon again.


”Wag wag” It said and when Freddy tried to grab it yet again it ran away into the sea.
Next day it was a sunny day with a clear blue sky and it seemed that today something good will happen.


“Go Ludicolo” and the large human shaped pokemon with a dish on its head appeared.
“Well, are you ready Ludi? It’s going to be a long way to Mossdeep” and the Ludicolo started dancing which meant that it was. Freddy then went on the back of Ludicolo and they set off. The water was blue and clear and you could see all the water pokemon
down there swimming. Freddy sat down on its back and enjoyed the cool breeze and checking his map so he knew where he was going. Soon enough they could see the outline of a large city. He reached the shore and was shocked in how amazing that city was. He looked around for hours and he saw a rocket go up into space looking for more pokemon. It was the most amazing place he ever saw. He found the gym and when he went inside he saw that this gym wasn’t just a go to the gym leader kind. It was a well designed puzzle. He tried and tried again to pass through the puzzles but soon gave up hope. He left the gym sad because he didn’t get to challenge the leader and went to the shore threw his bag aside and sat on the floor. He sat there for hours and when he went to pick up his bag he saw the blue pokemon again. He quickly took out his pokedex and informed him that it was a Poliwag a water pokemon. He rushed to grab it but again ran to the sea.


“Not this time” Freddy said and he took out a pokeball.


“Kingdra I choose you!” he yelled and a water dragon pokemon appeared.


“Kingdra go down there and get that Poliwag!” and Kingdra plunged into the sea and was gone. Then both pokemon appeared fighting madly. And then Kingdra fell asleep.


“What the?” Freddy said staring at Poliwag. Then the Poliwag did some movement and it looked weak but then stood up again. Freddy knew that the Poliwag used Belly Drum and he was looking at it with fear. The Poliwag ran into the Kingdra and slammed into it. The Kingdra flew from the sea and landed on the shore.

Freddy ran to it and looked at it. He took out his pokeball and put the Kingdra back in and rushed to the Pokemon center. He decided to stay at a hotel near the Pokemon center incase his Kingdra woke up. Next day, he went out of the hotel and back to the Pokemon center when the nurse was there smiling and told him that his Kingdra was healthier then ever. When he went out of the pokemon center he saw a man with grey hair and a Poliwag in his hand.


“How did you get that? I tried to catch one yesterday but it almost killed my Kingdra”


“Well kid… I used my steel pokemon which got this Pokemon fast enough. My name is Steven what’s yours?”


“Freddy,” he said


“Nice to meet you Freddy, now do you have any steel pokemon?”


“I do have a Metagross”


“Well then send it and then you could capture that Poliwag” and Freddy sent out his Metagross.


‘All right thanks for your help”


“Anytime” and he walked away. Freddy returned to the shore hoping to find another Poliwag but he didn’t.


“Go Kingdra and Ludicolo” he said grabbing two pokeballs in his hand.


“Both of you go into the sea and find me a Poliwag. Work together and bring it up to the surface” and they both went in. Freddy waited and waited but his pokemon weren’t coming out. After around an hour they both came up. Ludicolo was grabbing something in its hands and there Freddy saw a small Poliwag. The Poliwag jumped out of its hands and tried to make it sleep but Freddy returned his pokemon before that. And now it was Metagross and Poliwag left.


“Metagross use Sludge Bomb!” Metagross sent a ball of sludge and hit Poliwag in the face which blinded it. Then Poliwag was sending random pumps of water from its mouth hitting Metagross but hardly did damage.


“Metagross kill it with a Meteor Mash!” Metagross’ claws turned white and he slammed them into Poliwags face and the Poliwag just fell onto the floor. Freddy then took out a pokeball and threw it at Poliwag. He waited as it rolled once… rolled twice… and…
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Last edited by LS the Door Mat; 03-30-2007 at 08:11 AM.
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  #2  
Old 03-30-2007, 10:32 PM
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Default Re: The City The Gym and the.. Wag?

Story: You literally go outside, start swimming, and find the Pokemon you want. To say that this has been done would be an understatement - it's been used so many times that this type of "plot" makes me want to rip out my hair. There's nothing too exciting about it, and even though this is for a common Poliwag, I just can't find anything too original or fun about it - even if you threw something as lame as an Aqua member coming in to ruin things, I probably would have preferred it. Needless to say, this section needs more "spice", if you know what I mean.

Grammar/Spelling: Mostly comma errors, which is common.

Quote:
“Well… We’ll go to Mossdeep tomorrow but now you rest” he took out the white and red ball and returned Ludicolo.
You always need to end dialogue like this with a comma. I think you forgot that with every piece of dialogue. There should also be an indication that this person talked, like "he said", or just put in a period after the dialogue and start a new paragraph. Check through these and fix them as necessary.

Length: Good enough for Poliwag, I guess, but the grammatical errors, boring plot and lack of details don't help much.

Detail/Description: I think it's obvious I'm a stickler when it comes to things like this. I realize this is for a common Pokemon, but you still did not provide much of this, which is important for stories to work. I have no idea what the main character looks like, which is never good, and I don't know what any of the settings look like as well. You say things like, "he went to Lilycove," but HOW did he make it there? Second, give us a general idea of what it LOOKS like. Lilycove is probably one of the more unique towns in Hoenn, and you could at least let us know how - describe the giant shopping center, or the Contest Hall, for example. For all your reader could know, Lilycove is just a boring town with spotted buildings and one PokeCenter.

Quote:
“Freddy,” he said


“Nice to meet you Freddy, now do you have any steel pokemon?”


“I do have a Metagross”
Yawn ... not only are these sentences wrong (periods, commas and capitalizations), but they're just boring. How are these people reacting as they are talking to each other? Are they smirking, smiling, holding something, or .. ? Not only do you not describe what they look like at all, but we don't know their personalities as well. When we can't connect to the characters at all or "see" them, the story will fail.

Describe just about anything you can - the characters, Pokemon, the sea, Lilycove, and so on.

Quote:
So then he decided to buy a map from the largest Pokemart in all of Hoenn. After Freddy got the map he found out that he needed to surf on one of his Pokemons back to get to Mossdeep. And so he did. He sent out his Ludicolo and started training it to surf.
What is the map like? What is the 'largest Pokemon'? How do you train Ludicolo to use Surf? YOU NEED TO TELL US.

Battle: Someone came along to give you advice, which I suppose helps with the story. Otherwise, I think all that happened was Poliwag trying to use Hypnosis and Metagross using two attacks to finish it. Poliwag is at home in the water, so it might carry an advantage - attack bonus, etc.

Using evolved Pokemon to murder it wasn't just unfair, it was also dull. Finding one immediately could also happen, but do you really think your readers will buy that? Maybe throw in more attacks, or allow Poliwag to actually defend itself.

Outcome: Poliwag Not Captured! - I have plenty of advice, so read up.
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  #3  
Old 03-31-2007, 05:39 PM
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Default Re: The City The Gym and the.. Wag?

I redid the whole story and hopefully it's better this time. =P



After leaving Lavaridge Freddy decided he should go challenge Mossdeep gym . The only thing he didn’t know was how to get to Mossdeep. He reached Lilycove city fast enough but then had no idea what to do. He went around asking people but most of them never even heard of Mossdeep. So then he decided to buy a map from the largest Pokemart in all of Hoenn. After Freddy got the map he found out that he needed to surf on one of his Pokemons back to get to Mossdeep. And so he did. He sent out his Ludicolo and started training it to surf. Ludicolo looked like it was having a lot of fun in the water Freddy decided to take off his ash infested clothes and stripped down to his boxer shorts and jumped into the sea. Freddy smelled the sea salt as the warm water covered his head and waves crashed into him. He then he showed Ludicolo how to swim as Freddy moved his arms and legs but when Ludicolo tried to swim like Freddy was it almost drowned.


“C’mon Ludicolo you can do this,” Freddy said confidently. Ludicolo started learning slowly and Freddy tried to have a race with it but on the first race Ludicolo lost badly on the second was faster and on the third he beat Freddy very quickly.


”All right Ludicolo! You can now swim better then me and maybe we can reach Mossdeep now” Said Freddy happily.

”Let’s go tomorrow now you need some rest,” Freddy took out a pokeball and Ludicolo went back inside. Freddy sat down on the shore and took out a small turkey sandwich and took a huge bite from it. He looked around at the Wingulls and the Pellipers flying around and when he turned back down to eat his sandwich a Pelliper appeared and gulped down his sandwich.

”Hey, you stupid bird!” Freddy grabbed the Pelliper and threw it into the sea but the Pelliper just flapped its wings and went back into the air. Freddy was mad so he went to a hotel and spent the night there. It must have been a bad hotel because that night a huge storm appeared and there were several leaks. He put buckets under the leaks and when Freddy sat down he felt something on his leg and when he looked down he saw a blue damp pokemon.

“What are you doing here little guy” And he grabbed the damp pokemon.


“What exactly are you,” Freddy said as he took out his Pokedex.

“Poliwag eh? I’ll let you go tonight because I have a big day tomorrow” Freddy opened the door and put Poliwag outside. Next morning, Freddy woke up early and ready. When he opened the door he found the the same Poliwag lying on the floor sleeping. Freddy grabbed it and head off to the shore and sent out Ludicolo.

“You ready Ludi?” Freddy said rubbing his eyes. Ludicolo started dancing around in approval.

“We’re going to have a little friend joining us” Freddy said pointing at the Poliwag. Then Freddy jumped onto the back of Ludicolo and they set off. Freddy smelled the ocean smell and the breeze hit his face and Poliwag woke up and started dancing on Ludicolos dish. When they finally reached Mossdeep Freddy jumped off Ludicolos back and

“All right then” Freddy said and he put down Poliwag.

”You can go now” Pointing away.

”Wag wag” Poliwag said. Freddy walked away and entered the city and whenever he turned back he saw the Poliwag following him.

“Leave me alone!” Freddy yelled and the Poliwag looked sad and jumped into a bush. Freddy entered the Mossdeep gym and couldn’t fine which way to go. The gym was a well designed maze and Freddy kept stepping into portals which sent him back to the entrance so Freddy just gave up. He stepped out of the gym and found the Poliwag following him again.

“Didn’t I tell you to leave me alone?” Freddy said getting angry. Freddy walked away and the Poliwag wouldn’t leave him alone.

“That’s it!” Freddy yelled and he sent out Ludicolo.

“Use Giga Drain on that Poliwag!” Freddy yelled and Ludicolo quickly released some small green bubbles that hit Poliwag and returned to Ludicolo. Poliwag tried to body slam Ludicolo but Ludicolo dodged it and sent another Giga Drain. Poliwag then tried to make Ludicolo go to sleep and it hit Ludicolo. Ludicolo slept like a baby and Poliwag just stood there looking at Freddy.

“Go Sceptile” Freddy held out another ball and the shape of Sceptile appeared.

”Finish it with Leaf Blade!” Sceptile did some fast movement and hit Poliwag with its sharp blades. The Poliwag didn’t fall down it stood there and jumped onto Sceptile and body slammed it into the floor. Sceptile couldn’t move fast. The body slam paralyzed Sceptile.

“Sceptile! Use Leaf Blade!” But Sceptile couldn’t move and Poliwag again body slammed Sceptile.

“C’mon Ludicolo, wake up!” Freddy yelled at Ludicolo but it stayed asleep. Sceptile attempted another Leaf Blade and this time Poliwag dodged it. Ludicolo then woke up and Giga Drained Poliwag.


Poliwag then was lying on the floor. It fainted. Freddy stared at it feeling sad. It only wanted to be friends so Freddy grabbed a pokeball and threw it at Poliwag. The ball rolled once, it rolled twice and…
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Last edited by LS the Door Mat; 03-31-2007 at 05:44 PM.
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  #4  
Old 04-01-2007, 10:46 PM
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Default Re: The City The Gym and the.. Wag?

Yes, it is better. I hope my advice helps with future stories, especially if you go after something that requires more characters.

Poliwag Captured!
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