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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 04-10-2007, 11:37 PM
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Default The Big Bug Scare

Ready For Grading
Pokemon for capture: Ledyba
Length: 11,110 (which is 1,100 more then the recommended max)
Length without spaces: 8,998
Battle Length: 2,545 (I know it's short but it's my first story)
History: Our adventurer Ray, starts in his home about to start on his Pokemon Journey. His only Pokemon Gengar started out as Gastly, but he had nothing to do but train and it became Gengar.

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His eyes opened slowly, revealing Ray’s bright, light blue eyes. He looked around quickly, noticing the blazing, orange sun shining brightly. It shone through his thin, star patterned curtains. He looked down noticing his heavy, wool blanket fell off of him overnight. All he had left was his little old rag, that he called sheets. Ray got up slowly, still half asleep he made his way to the door. In his mind he knew today was the day; the day Ray became a Pokemon trainer.

You see usually people start their journey at age ten, but Ray’s parents thought that age ten was too young of an age to be on your own. So his parents decided to make him wait until he was thirteen years old before, he could go on this enormous journey that he was about to embark on.

Ray was walking down the stairs when he started nearing the bottom of the steps. Then something in his mind clicked, he just remembered that the stairs were new and slick. As soon as this happened, he took another step only to come sliding down the steps, and landing right on his rear-end. He got lucky he could’ve landed straight on his face, he could’ve been seriously injured. When Ray landed, he winced in pain as he shouted, “ Mom, can you bring me an ice-pack?!”

Tears started to form, dripping slowly down his puzzled face. Then he heard his moms scurrying footsteps, his mom finally reached the bottom of the steps. She asked in a concerned voice, “ What happened? Are you okay?”

Ray answered in a sad, almost trembling voice, “ I was walking down the stairs and, I forgot that they were new… but yes I’m alright.”

Mom replied in a warming voice, “ Let me numb that for you, it will feel much better in a couple of minutes.”

Ray sighed with relief, as the freezing ice pack touched his bruised bottom. The icy feeling chilled his whole body, but it also felt very good touching his bruise. Ray was amazed by his mother’s motherly touch. Ray knew she had a lot of practice, seeing as how Ray always had gotten hurt as an infant. Next he felt the icy chill leave his body, so he looked up into his mother’s gazing eyes. She looked so relieved that nothing serious happened. I kept staring as I asked, “ Are you done mother?”

“All done now get to the kitchen for some breakfast, today is your big day.” Mom said.

Walking into the kitchen Ray saw the sandwich that was made for him. It looked delicious; he couldn’t wait to bite into the soft bread and smooth delicacies. It had regular white bread, with the crust cut off; it had some bologna on it, and to top it off some ham. Ray took the sandwich and bit into it slowly; there was something strange about his sandwich. Then he knew exactly what it was, this sandwich had mayo on it. “Ewww!” Ray screamed.

“What?!” mom asked, thinking that he got hurt again.

Ray replied, “My sandwich had mayo on it…”

“Oh you don’t like mayo?” mom asked.

“No, and it has been expired for nearly two years.” said Ray looking at the expiration date on the jar.

“Oops, I didn’t know…” mom said with a sorry tone in her voice.

The next thing that mom did was tell Ray that he should get going. So Ray began to walk out the door when he realized, he almost forgot his only Pokemon Gengar. So he hustled back into his room, making sure not to slip on the stairs again, and got his Gengar. When he began to walk out the door he took a couple of water bottles and some snacks. It was a nice, scorching day out there Ray needed to be prepared. As he walked out the door, and stepped on the soft dirt road his mom gave him one last goodbye, it was now time for Ray to start his journey.

As Ray was walking he decided to look at the map he packed the night before, he knew to be prepared for whatever type of Pokemon was out there. He read the map and noticed that there was a small village only a couple of miles down the road he was traveling. So Ray that that this was a great opportunity to get someplace to rest and have some food. After knowing this he wanted to get there as soon as possible, he didn’t want to run out of food or anything like that. So Ray kept walking as fast as he could, he had to stop to drink water a couple of times. The sun was blazing, and the dirt kept coming into his mouth from his footsteps. A couple of times it almost choked him so then he decided to walk on the grass that was surrounding the road. Ray couldn’t help but notice all the beautiful things around him the grass was bright green, it was as alive as a group of dancing Sunflora. The sky it was blue with not a cloud in site, it must’ve the perfect day to start his journey. Then finally over the hazy horizon he saw a little village, it was called Eidolono Village.

As he reached the foot of the lively village, he looked around to see what was there. He looked around… there was a Pokemon Center, a Poke Mart, a huge hotel, a restaurant, and a giant super market. It seemed like they had everything in such a small village, I couldn’t believe it. I decided to go to the Restaurant first, it was called Food For a Price. Seeing as I only had forty dollars, I knew I had to take it easy on the food. So when I sat down I asked, “Can I have a sandwich and some Poke food for my Gengar?”

The waitress replied very kindly with a, “Sure, and would you like any drinks?”

“Thank you for asking, I would like a drink can I have some fruit punch?” Ray asked.

She answered, “Sure, and thank you for coming to Food For a Price.”

As I waited patiently for my food I released my Gengar from its Pokeball. The ball opened and out came a beaming red light; it formed the shape of a Gengar. When it appeared it looked at me waiting for a command, “Just wait you’ll have food soon.” I commanded.

The waiter arrived with my food and it couldn’t look any better. It was just mouth watering, as Ray took a bite he was in heaven. After that first slow bite Ray devoured the sandwich in minutes, he was so hungry. After my Gengar and Ray were done with our food he sucked him back into his Pokeball by the same beaming red light. The waitress came and said, “That will be twenty five dollars.”
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Vpp HoF

Hatch: 1545
Pikachu: 1590
Raichu: 1650
Done: 1830




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Last edited by Shadow From The Deep; 04-11-2007 at 12:07 AM.
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  #2  
Old 04-10-2007, 11:38 PM
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Default Re: The Big Bug Scare

Ray paid her and said, “Thanks for your quick service, I might come back again another time.”

She replied, “That would be really great, I hope you have a nice day.”

After that he left the restaurant and decided to head to the hotel, then he saw a road that said Hotel go left. So Ray decided to go to the hotel so he could rest up and continue his journey again tomorrow. On his way to the hotel Ray saw some commotion, near a half finished house. A moment after he saw some people coming out of the house screaming: “There’s something in the house, it sounded like a Beedrill! I think the sound was coming from the inside one of the wood shipments!”

Then a couple of people said, “I’m not going in there, Beedrill are scary.”

Some more people said, “I’ll go in there but I have no Pokemon…”

Seeing how no one was willing to go investigate Ray decided to step in, “If you guys are too scared to go in the house, the I guess I’ll have to.”

One person said, “You better be careful it could be a Beedrill, I heard they’re really strong.”

Ray replied very bravely, “I’ll be fine I have my trusty pal, my Gengar.”

So I decided to walk into the unfinished house, I have to admit Ray looked pretty scared tiptoeing into the creepy house. As Ray walked the floors creaked, as they were one hundred years old. But he saw a sign with big bolded letters Floors Have Not Been Finished. That explained why they were creaking, the wallpaper seemed to be dripping with very, very, very red water. But it was thick so he decided to see what it was; it was nothing then spilled catsup everywhere. That relieved Ray a whole bunch, he could’ve sworn he saw a creeping shadow right behind him, but as he turned around it was nothing but a hanging drape. Then Ray heard it… the buzz buzz sound that the workers must’ve heard. Then he saw a shipment of wood, so he went closer to investigate. As he peered over into the box of wood, he saw a shadow… but it didn’t look like a Beedrill shadow. It looked to small and the sounds it made didn’t sound very mean. It sounded like a frightened yet cheerful buzz. As Ray looked closer to see what the shadow was he finally got to see it.

It was in the shape of a Ladybug it had a lot of black spots on his back. Then immediately Ray knew what it was, it was not a Beedrill that was making the sound… what they had heard was a Ledyba. But it looked frightened; it probably got scared from the sound of the truck that it was in. Ray tried to get close to it and comfort it; I had always wanted a Ledyba. But as soon as Ray tried to touch it, it tried to bite me.
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Vpp HoF

Hatch: 1545
Pikachu: 1590
Raichu: 1650
Done: 1830




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Last edited by Shadow From The Deep; 04-11-2007 at 10:37 PM.
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  #3  
Old 04-10-2007, 11:39 PM
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Default Re: The Big Bug Scare

Ray backed away and he knew what he had to do, Ray had to try to battle it and then catch it. Since Ray only had one pokemon it was an easy choice on who to call out, “Gengar come out and use Shadow Ball!” Gengar shot out of the Pokeball and swiftly started charging up. The ball looked like a big ball of black, it had sparks flying from all sides. Then Gengar released the ball and directly hit the Ledyba who was sent flying into the wall.

Then the Ledyba shot back up with blazing speed and came flying back at my Gengar with a Comet Punch. Since Ray was off guard the attack took me by surprise and Gengar was hit directly. Gengar went flying and hit a beam that was holding up the house. The whole house shook but luckily the house stayed in balance. Ray told his Gengar to get up he did so but slowly, Ray ordered him loudly, “Gengar use your Thunderbolt attack!” then Ray realized something they were in a house… The lightning bolt cam zig zagging down from the sky, as it struck the roof of the house there was a big hole in the roof. But the attack still nailed Ledyba; Ray was scared that he had to pay for the damage.

Somehow the Ledyba once again shook the attack off very quickly, it came back with a speedy Supersonic. Ray noticed that my Gengar was walking around and looked very dizzy, he thought the attack confused him. So he told Gengar, “Try to shake it off and use a Shadow Punch!”

The Gengar began to thrust forward with what seemed to be endless shadow inside his fist, but his hand came back around and hit himself. It seemed to hurt Gengar but he managed to shake it off.

The Ledyba took advantage of the moment and tried a swift attack on Gengar, the sparkling stars flung forward heading right for Gengar.

Ray had to act quick so he told his Gengar, “Jump up above Ledyba and hit him with your strongest hypnosis!”

Gengar jumped up just at the perfect moment and seized his chance, sending rings of thought flying at Ledyba. It became drowsy and then eventually fell fast asleep.

Ray told Gengar one last command, “Use Dream Eater to weaken Ledyba enough for me to catch it.”

Gengar started saying some gibberish and then Ledyba started to seem scared in his sleep. Ray was sorry he used the attack but he had to, or else he wouldn’t have weakened it.

Then Ray said enough Gengar now it’s time for me to do my job. He took a little red and silver ball from his belt and flung his arm forward, as the ball hit Ledyba in the head a red light sucked him like a vacuum. The suspense was killing me, the ball wiggled once, twice…

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Ok this is ready for grading I think it should be all right.
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Vpp HoF

Hatch: 1545
Pikachu: 1590
Raichu: 1650
Done: 1830




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Last edited by Shadow From The Deep; 04-11-2007 at 12:08 AM.
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  #4  
Old 04-11-2007, 01:47 PM
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Default Re: The Big Bug Scare

Story: Okay, so this kid Ray is forced to start late on his journey, but he already has a fully evolved Pokémon with him. But before that he falls on the floor, hurts himself, and gets taken care by his mom. Eventually he finds a place to eat and recover, and he goes into a house to help the scared villagers. Seems alright to me, but somehow, some of these events don't connect.

Now, I'm one of those people who tend to let every scene have a purpose. So unless I want him to keep feeling that pain in his behind or make it his weak spot for the day, I don't mention it. Now, on the other side, there's absolutely nothing wrong with having seemingly meaningless scenes, but it would amuse the reader more if it had a purpose. It's just something to improve your writing with.

Description: Well, there's a difference between telling and showing. This story is told. You say what happens and I'm expected to fill in the blanks. Other stories are shown. They give you a clearer picture of what's happening. Except for telling me that Ray has light blue eyes, I don't know much about him. Is he nice, is he tall, is he diagnosed with the Down Syndrome?

I could make Ray look like Brad Pitt or Silvester Stallone in my mind, but that's not how you see Ray. Description is how you show your readers what you had in mind when writing. You tell us how the dirt path looks, but we want to be shown whether it has bumps, whether it's yellow or brown, and stuff like that. If you have decent description, you could essentially throw out the meaningless scenes, since you filled up the length with enough description.

Grammar/Spelling: You had a lot of wrongly placed commas, dots, and semicolons. There were also some misplaced words.

Quote:
Originally Posted by You
After that he left the restaurant and decided to head to the hotel, then he saw a road that said Hotel go left. So Ray decided to go to the hotel so he could rest up and start on my journey again tomorrow. On my way to the hotel Ray saw some commotion, near a half finished house. A moment after he saw some people coming out of the house screaming, “There’s something in the house, it sounded like a Beedrill! I think the sound was coming from the inside one of the wood shipments!”
Quote:
Originally Posted by Better
After that he left the restaurant and decided to head to the hotel, he saw a road with a sign which had 'Hotel , go left' written on it. So Ray decided to go to the hotel, so he could rest up and continue his journey again tomorrow. On his way to the hotel, Ray saw some commotion near a half finished house. A moment after he saw some people coming out of the house, he heard someone screaming: “There’s something in the house! it sounds like a Beedrill! I think the sound was coming from the inside one of the wood shipments!”
Most of these things can be found through Microsoft Word. But I also suggest you reread your story calmly, and maybe try to read it out loud, so you can hear whether something sounds funny.

Don't forget to keep your story in one point of view. Don't go mixing third and first person randomly into your story unless you have a good reason. It confuses your readers and looks sloppy.

Length: Length is fine, so I don't think you need any comments on that.

Battle: Quick and strange is the best description I can give it. Somehow, maybe because of the lack of detail, the flow of the battle is strange. You call a couple of attacks, and then they fight. Try to describe how an attack looks, how the Pokémon look when they get hit and so on. That should be enough, I guess.

Outcome: Sorry, but Ledyba is not captured. You just had a bit too much wrong to make it successful, even if this is your first story. Try improving the grammar and spelling first and maybe a bit of the description problem, and then we'll see again.

-]DU[-
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Last edited by DaRkUmBrEoN; 04-11-2007 at 02:14 PM.
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  #5  
Old 04-11-2007, 08:30 PM
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Default Re: The Big Bug Scare

Thanks for the advice I'll edit it soon, but I have to go to my friends house right now. Oh and with the third and first person, I did it on accident. I wasn't paying attention and I messed up. I'll edit it later...
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Vpp HoF

Hatch: 1545
Pikachu: 1590
Raichu: 1650
Done: 1830




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  #6  
Old 04-13-2007, 02:17 AM
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Default Re: The Big Bug Scare

Ready For Grading
Batle length: 6,046. (I increased it by about 4k.)
Total length: 17,071 (increased this by about 6k)


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His eyes opened slowly, revealing Ray’s bright, light blue eyes. He looked around quickly, noticing the blazing, orange sun shining brightly. It shone through his thin, star patterned curtains. He looked down noticing his heavy, wool blanket fell off of him overnight. All he had left was his little old rag, that he called sheets. Ray got up slowly, still half asleep he made his way to the door. If you saw him he had bright, red, long hair. It was as bright as a newly picked orange, that cam straight from the Florida grove. He was starting to get taller but he was only five feet tall, he was always one of the shortest kids growing up. Around people he is mostly the funny type, he was the type of person that would crack a joke at just the right time. Ray has the biggest smile, it would warm the heart of anyone who is feeling down. And when he smiled he would have the cutest little dimples that everyone would point out. But he wasn’t muscular, but he wasn’t fat either, he was actually skinny. He was basically skin and bones, which showed if he took of his shirt.

You see usually people start their journey at age ten, but Ray’s parents thought that age ten was too young of an age to be on your own. But since Ray was allowed to own Pokemon since age ten, he got a Gastly as a present. All he did was care and train that Gastly, eventually with enough training it evolved into Haunter and then into Gengar. So his parents decided to make him wait until he was thirteen years old before, he could go on this enormous journey that he was about to embark on.

Ray was walking down the stairs swiftly, holding on to the banister, when he started nearing the bottom of the steps. Then something in his mind clicked, he just remembered that the stairs were new and slick. As soon as this happened he took another step, only to come sliding down the steps, and landing right on his rear-end. He got lucky he could’ve landed straight on his face, he could’ve been seriously injured. When Ray landed, he winced in pain as he shouted, “ Mom, can you bring me an ice-pack?!”

Tears started to form, dripping slowly down his puzzled face. Ray examined the damage, it was nothing that would prevent him from starting his journey. Then he heard his moms scurrying footsteps, his mom finally reached the bottom of the steps, checking all over Ray’s body. She found nothing but a reddish, brown splotch on Ray’s pale skin. She asked in a concerned, helping voice, “ What happened? Are you okay?”

Ray answered in a sad, almost trembling voice, “ I was walking down the stairs, and I forgot that they were new… but yes I’m alright.”

Mom replied in a warming voice, “ Let me numb that for you, it will feel much better in a couple of minutes.”

Ray sighed with relief, as the freezing ice pack touched his bruised bottom. The icy feeling chilled his whole body, but it also felt very good touching his bruise. Ray was amazed by his mother’s motherly touch and nursing skills. Ray knew she had a lot of practice, seeing as how Ray always had gotten hurt as an infant. As an infant Ray would get into a lot of accidents, like falling from his bed. He would always end up crying, and his mom would come to the rescue. Next he felt the icy chill from the ice pack leave his body, so he looked up into his mother’s gazing eyes. She looked so relieved that nothing serious happened. I kept staring as I asked, “ Are you done mother? I would like to get some breakfast before my journey.”

“All done now get to the kitchen for some breakfast, today is your big day.” Mom said.

Walking into the kitchen Ray saw the sandwich that was made for him. It looked mouth watering, he couldn’t wait to bite into the soft bread and smooth delicacies. It had regular white bread, with the crust cut off, some bologna on it, and to top it off some ham. Ray took the sandwich and bit into it slowly, he knew there was something weird about it, there was something strange about his sandwich. Then he knew exactly what it was, this sandwich had mayo on it. “Ewww!” Ray screamed.

“What?!” mom asked, thinking that he got hurt again.

Ray replied, “My sandwich had mayo on it…”

“Oh you don’t like mayo?” mom asked.

“No, and it has been expired for nearly two years.” Said Ray reading the expiration date.

“Oops, I didn’t know. Next time I will check the expiration date.” mom said with a sorry tone in her voice. Then with sorrow in her tone mom suggested, “Ray… you should get going, I’m sure you’ll do good on your journey.”
__________________
Vpp HoF

Hatch: 1545
Pikachu: 1590
Raichu: 1650
Done: 1830




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Last edited by Shadow From The Deep; 04-13-2007 at 02:20 AM.
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  #7  
Old 04-13-2007, 02:18 AM
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Default Re: The Big Bug Scare

So Ray began to walk out the door when he realized, he almost forgot his only Pokemon Gengar. So he hustled as fast as he could back into his room, making sure not to slip on the slick stairs again, and got his Gengar’s Pokeball. When he began to walk out the door again he took a couple of Poland Spring water bottles and some snacks, which consisted of Doritos and apples. It was a nice, scorching day out, the Sun was burning with the intensity of a thousand of Moltres’ Flamethrowers. As he walked out the door, and stepped on the soft dirt road, he felt the heat that was trapped in the ground. Ray kept on walking, as he was walking he tripped a couple of times seeing as the floor was bumpy, only looking back one more time to see his mom’s last goodbye.

As Ray was walking he decided to look at the very detailed map, that he had packed the night before, he knew to be prepared for whatever type of Pokemon was out there. He read the map, and noticed that there was a small village only a couple of miles down the road he was traveling. So Ray thought that this was a great opportunity to get someplace to rest, and have some food. After knowing this he wanted to get there as soon as possible, he didn’t want to run out of food or anything like that. So Ray kept walking as fast as he could, he had to stop to drink water a couple of times. As he drank the drink with the speed of a Cheetah at top speed, water came trickling down his face onto his warm body. The sun was blazing, and the dirt kept coming into his mouth from his footsteps. A couple of times it almost choked him so then he decided to walk on the grass that was basically engulfed the road. Ray couldn’t help but notice all the beautiful things around him the grass was bright green, it was as alive as a group of dancing Sunflora. The sky, it was blue with not a cloud in site, it must’ve the perfect day to start his journey. Then finally over the hazy horizon he saw a little village, it was called Eidolono Village.

As he reached the foot of the lively village, he looked around to see what was there. He looked around… there was a Pokemon Center, a Poke Mart, a huge hotel, a restaurant, and a giant super market. It seemed like they had everything a person could need in such a small village, He couldn’t believe it. Ray decided to go to the Restaurant first, he was starving because he didn’t want to waste his snacks, it was called Food For a Price. Seeing as Ray only had forty dollars, he knew he had to take it easy on the food. So when Ray sat down on the surprisingly comfy chair he asked, “Can I have a sandwich, and some Poke food for my Gengar?”

The waitress replied very kindly with a, “Sure, and would you like any drinks?”

“Thank you for asking, I would like a drink, can I have some fruit punch?” Ray asked as politely as he could.

She answered, “Sure, and thank you for coming to Food For a Price.”

As Ray waited patiently for my food he released my Gengar from its Pokeball. The ball opened and out came a beaming red light, it formed the shape of a Gengar. When it appeared it looked at me with a puzzled look on its face, “Just wait you’ll have food soon.” Ray commanded.

The waiter arrived with my food and it couldn’t look any better. It was just mouth watering, as Ray took a bite, he was in heaven. After that first slow bite Ray devoured the sandwich in minutes, he was so hungry. After Ray’s Gengar and Ray were done with their food he sucked Gengar back into his Pokeball by the same beaming red light. The waitress came and said, “That will be twenty five dollars.”

Ray paid her and said, “Thanks for your quick service, I might come back again another time.”

She replied, “That would be really great, I hope you have a nice day.”

After that he left the restaurant and decided to head to the hotel, then he saw a road that said Hotel go left.
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Vpp HoF

Hatch: 1545
Pikachu: 1590
Raichu: 1650
Done: 1830




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  #8  
Old 04-13-2007, 02:19 AM
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Default Re: The Big Bug Scare

So Ray decided to go to the hotel so he could rest up and start on his journey again tomorrow. On his way to the hotel Ray saw some commotion, near a half finished house. A moment after he saw some people coming out of the house screaming: “There’s something in the house, it sounded like a Beedrill! I think the sound was coming from the inside one of the wood shipments!”

Then a couple of people said, “I’m not going in there, Beedrill are scary.”

Some more people said, “I’ll go in there but I have no Pokemon…”

Seeing how no one was willing to go investigate Ray decided to step in, “If you guys are too scared to go in the house, the I guess I’ll have to.”

One person said, “You better be careful it could be a Beedrill, I heard they’re really strong.”

Ray replied very bravely, “I’ll be fine I have my trusty pal, my Gengar.”

So Ray decided to walk into the unfinished, almost scary house. I have to admit Ray looked pretty scared tiptoeing into the creepy house. As Ray walked the floors creaked, as they were one hundred years old. But he saw a sign with big bolded letters Floors Have Not Been Finished. That explained why they were creaking, the wallpaper seemed to be dripping with very, very, very red water. But it was thick so he decided to see what it was, it was nothing but a lot of spilled catsup everywhere. That relieved Ray of a lot of tension, he could’ve sworn he saw a creeping shadow following right behind him, but as he turned around it was nothing but a hanging ratty drape. Then Ray heard it… the buzz buzz sound that the workers must’ve heard. Then he saw a big black box that had the words Wood Shipment on it, so he went closer to investigate. As he peered over into the box of darkness that had wood stacked in it, he saw a shadow… but it didn’t look scary like a Beddrill shadow, It looked to small and the sounds it made didn’t seem to be very scary, they actually seemed to warm the heart. It sounded like a frightened yet cheerful buzz. As Ray looked closer to see what the shadow was he finally got to see what was really lurking behind the shadows.

It was in the shape of a Ladybug, and it had a lot of black spots on his back. It had two eyes that were big and cheerful, and it had two antennae that protruded from the head. Then immediately Ray knew what it was, it was not a Beedrill that was making the sound that the workers heard… what they had heard was a Ledyba’s soothing buzz. But it looked frightened, it probably got scared from the sound of the truck that drove it here. Ray tried to get close to it and comfort what seemed to be harmless little bug, he had always wanted a Ledyba. But as soon as Ray tried to touch it, the Ledyba responded by biting him.
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Hatch: 1545
Pikachu: 1590
Raichu: 1650
Done: 1830




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  #9  
Old 04-13-2007, 02:19 AM
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Ray backed away and he knew what he had to do, Ray had to try to battle it and then catch this little bug Pokemon. Since Ray only had one pokemon it was an easy choice on which to call out, “Gengar come out, and use Shadow Ball!” Gengar shot out of the Pokeball and swiftly started charging up his ball of darkness. The ball looked like a big ball of black, it had sparks flying from all sides. There was no escape from this furious blast that was about to fly toward Ledyba. Then Gengar released the ball and directly hit the Ledyba who was sent flying into the wall. Ledyba expression looked like a thousand elephants just stampeded him.

Then the Ledyba got right back up from the blast with blazing speed, it seemed as he never got hit by the blast, and came flying back at my Gengar with a Comet Punch. Ray wasn’t paying attention to what was happening, and the attack took him by surprise, and Gengar was hit directly by the flurry of comet punches. From the look on Gengar’s face, Ray thought a speeding bullet train had just hit him. Gengar went flying backwards, and hit a beam that was supporting the house. The whole house shook violently a couple of times, but luckily the house stayed in balance and didn’t fall down.

After Gengar got hit Ray told his Gengar to get up as fast as he could, Gengar tried his hardest to get up, and eventually accomplished in doing so. Ray ordered his Gengar loudly, and very firmly, “Gengar use your Thunderbolt attack on Ledyba!” then Ray realized something they were in a house that was enclosed and not even finished… The lightning bolt cam zigzagging down from the afternoon sky, as it struck the roof of the house the whole roof seemed to just come off the house as if by magic. But the attack still nailed Ledyba straight on, the Ledyba seemed to get burned to a crisp, barely able to get up. Ray was scared that he had to pay for the damage that he had caused by ordering his Gengar’s attack.

But even after that attack somehow the Ledyba once again shook the attack off very quickly, returning to the fight ready to attack. The Ledyba startled Ray with a super loud Supersonic attack. Ray noticed that his Gengar was walking around as if he were drunk and half asleep, he figured that the attack confused his Gengar. So Ray’s next instinct was, “Gengar you have to try to shake this off, I know you’re confused but please try for me… Now use your strongest Shadow Punch!”

The Gengar began to thrust forward through the air with what seemed to be endless shadow forming inside his fist, as soon as Ray thought the attack would land something happened. Gengar began to twirl around and punched himself directly with Shadow Punch. Ray had thought that it was the end of his Gengar, but his Gengar managed to shake off attack off.

The Ledyba took advantage of the one moment that Gengar was off guard and confused, when it saw this moment it leaped into the air, and tried a strong swift attack on Gengar.

And seeing that Gengar was still half confused, and walking like a drunken man the Ledyba managed to hit Gengar dead on. For a second in Ray’s mind he was scared that Gengar was going to get cut and start bleeding but then Ray remembered something, Gengar was a ghost type and they had no blood. When Gengar got hit he fell to the ground and seemed to be badly injured from the last attack. But Gengar’s pride helped him continue the battle, Ray ordered Gengar, “Gengar try a lick attack on Ledyba, try to paralyze him somehow…”

Gengar started to run towards the Ledyba at top speed with is tongue sticking straight out, ready to lick anything that came at him. When Gengar finally reached Ledyba something happened that Ray didn’t think was going to happen, the Ledyba just jumped up and dodged the attack with ease.

As the Ledyba was in the air he was plotting something, as he came diving down through the air at the speed of a diving jet plane, he tackled Gengar with a very strong Double-edge attack. Gengar seemed to get pile-drived right through the creaky, old, dusty floors. Ray knew the effects of attacks well, so he knew that Double-edge was a risky attack, he knew that it would also hurt Ledyba allowing Ray to attack.

As dust flew everywhere Ray started looking around with a puzzled look on his face, then he saw what had happened. The Double-edge made a big crater straight through the floor, which was probably where Gengar was. Ray started urging Gengar to get up, “Get up, you need to get up to win this battle for me… please Gengar, try, just try…”

It was unbelievable as Ray saw Gengar inch-by-inch climbing up the deep, dark crater. Ray was really proud of how well his Gengar was fighting, but his Gengar probably wouldn’t go much further in the battle, Ray had to finish off Ledyba as quick as possible.

Then Ray got a plan he had to make the Ledyba go to sleep, a deep dark sleep so it would be easier to catch. So the next thing that Ray did was, “Gengar you have to try to hit Ledyba with Hypnosis, if you do you’ll have a great advantage.”

Gengar geared up, ready to launch a powerful Hypnosis, which would induce sleep. But Gengar didn’t have much strength left so he really had to concentrate on this last attack. Gengar closed his eyes, and brought his hands up to his head, small wobbly rings started to form. As they traveled further they became bigger and straighter, it was indeed a powerful Hypnosis. All Ray could do was pray that this last attack worked, because he knew that Gengar couldn’t last much longer.

The rings finally reached the Ledyba that was weakened from Double-edge, and miraculously the attack hit right on target. “Yes!” Ray screamed in joy, he knew that this battle was nearly over.

After the attack Ray didn’t notice it but it was too much for Gengar, he ended up fainting after he used Hypnosis. Ray was as proud as he could be of Gengar, but he had other issues to attend to right now. He threw a shiny red and silver sphere, it hit the sleeping foe and sucked it in by a red light, with the force of a vacuum. The ball wiggled once, twice…


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I spent hours editing this thing I hoped you like it.
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Last edited by Shadow From The Deep; 04-13-2007 at 02:24 AM.
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  #10  
Old 04-14-2007, 09:19 PM
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Default Re: The Big Bug Scare

Ok, so you improved. ^^ Have fun with the Ledyba.
Though, don't forget to run your story through a spell check and reread it a couple of times to be sure that none of the obvious errors stay in.

-]DU[-
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  #11  
Old 04-14-2007, 09:53 PM
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Default Re: The Big Bug Scare

Thanks for the re-grade, I'll be making another addon chapter for Shellder later.
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