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Old 05-10-2007, 03:47 AM
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Default Bugging Out 3: To Bee, or Not to Combee?

Just a note to the readers, but I'm calling the Pokemon Vespiquen, which is a bad name, Beequeen during this story. ;/

*Oh, and grade this story when the D/P Pokemon are finally able to be caught in stories, please. :)

EDIT: Also, the italics are STRICTLY used for flashbacks, including at the end. :)

EDIT2: Whoops! I forgot to add that the story is AROUND 22,060 characters long (including spaces). I'm also catching TWO COMBEE.

Bugging Out 3: To Bee, or Not to Combee?

Maria smiled as she stared at herself in a mirror. It had been four months since her friend Eliza had helped her catch a Paras, who she affectionately called "Super Mushroom" from her favorite video game. She silently opened up a drawer beside her, pulling out a white brush with a pink Pokemon Contest symbol engraved on the back. The girl softly pulled the brush through her golden hair and proceeded to pull out a black hair tie from the same drawer and change her hair into a long ponytail.

"It's been some time..." Maria thought, staring at the symbol on the back of her brush. "I remember as if it was just yesterday...".

A crowded stadium was roaring with the cheers of hundreds of people watching an amazing battle of sorts below them. A young girl with blond hair and an orange dress waved to the crowd, her blue eyes sparkling with excitement as a small Paras stretched on the stage floor at her feet. The small crab-like creature made a soft clicking noise and his trainer kneeled down to whisper their strategy for the contest to him. She quickly stood up as the building dropped to an awed silence, wishing to know what had caused it. Her fears were quickly confirmed, as a beautiful woman in a striped black-and-yellow ballroom gown stepped onto the stage. She performed a small spin as she released an ornate Pokeball that matched her dress. The crowd cheered as a royal presence emerged from the ball in a flash of red light. It was a semi-humanoid bee with a striped abdomen and a large red jewel on its head. The Beequeen curtsied with a dignified manner as she analyzed her opponents. She levitated in the air with blurred wings and a hint of amusement in her otherwise serious figure.

"Are both of the contestants ready?" asked a Contest Announcer, a young woman of about 24 with short brown hair that barely reached a blue T-shirt. She smiled warmly at Maria as the girl nodded in response. Maria's opponent simply said "yes" and returned to her silent watch over the stadium.

Maria placed the brush back into the drawer and stepped out of the bathroom, turning off the fluorescent lights as she passed the dark wooden door frame. The girl stared at her nightstand as she entered her bedroom, finally sitting down on her olive green bed as she took a small wooden box with glass on the top from it. Inside, there were three green ribbons with an empty space beside them where another ribbon should be. She sighed as she opened the storage doors on her nightstand, pulling out an orange backpack filled with potions, Pokeballs, and other necessary gear for going into the wilderness to train with Paras. She left her room and walked across a tan hallway with plush carpeting and many framed photographs on the walls.

"Mom, I'm going to train with Paras in the park's forest." Maria said casually as she walked towards the door leading outside.

"Well, OK honey, but be careful! I've heard on the news about a Combee swarm there." said Maria's mother, leaning over the kitchen sink as she stared over a counter at Maria. She was washing dishes and her pink blouse was rolled up with her brown hair pulled into a sporty ponytail. Maria smiled as she heard this old piece of news.

"OK mom, I love you! Bye!" Her daughter said, closing the dark door behind her as she stepped into the familiarly urban street that she lived on.

"Well, then! The first round will be about style! Try and appeal to the judges with flashy and well-coordinated moves!" the announcer said, stepping off of the stage. "Begin!"

"Beequeen, start off with a Captivate attack combined with Sweet Scent and Attack Command!" The other woman ordered, her yellow spheroid earrings swaying with her every movement. Beequeen slowly waltzed across the arena by herself, shaking sweet-smelling pollen off of her abdomen as she danced. She eventually finished with a deep flourish and a curtsy as baby Combee crawled out of her abdomen and flew across the building, carrying the fragrant pollen. The audience clapped as they breathed in the sweet smells and let out a content sigh as if they were in unison. The judges applauded as the wrote notes on their clipboards.

"And that was an amazing display from Ms. Apodia and her Beequeen!" exclaimed the announcer as she spoke into her microphone. "Now everyone pay attention as Maria and her Paras perform!"

"OK Paras, do what we talked about before, alright?" Maria told Paras. He quickly nodded and and concentrated until the red mushrooms on his back grew to twice their size and released a cloud that quickly spread around the room, nullifying the Sweet Scent in the air and replacing it with a refreshingly earthy scent. It quickly scuttled about, spreading a multicolored display of harmless spores. The audience applauded as they oohed and aah-ed over the multicolored stage.

"Bravo! Bravo!" cheered one young judge who was giving Maria and her Paras a standing ovation. Another judge was scribbling furiously on his clipboard while a female judge was trying to get the standing man to sit back down.

"Let's put our hands together for Maria and her Paras's amazing display of Aromatherapy!" cheered the young woman with brown hair, silently clapping her hands together while holding her microphone. Maria curtsied and Paras performed an elegant bow that turned into a fall flat on his back that made the children in the audience laugh as he tried to get back up.

"Hmmph!" said her opponent. "Don't get so confident yet. There's still the battle competition, which I'm sure your little runt can't win. Ah ha ha ha!" She removed a few strands of black hair from her forehead as she obnoxiously laughed at Maria.

"Whatever. I know that I'm going to beat you in this contest, you-" Maria said before being interrupted by the announcer as she stepped between the two burning gazes.

"Now now ladies, let's settle this argument in a clean way! Next up is the battle round, everybody!" she said to the crowd and contestants. The female judge quickly signaled to begin, her wizened face observing the scene with anticipation. "All right then, let's get the second and final round started! Begin!"

Maria felt the lessening chill that naturally comes with the coming of Spring, and sighed at the thought that she had stayed inside during this beautiful day. Her orange backpack swayed with each and every step she took as she began to walk to the bus stop, meeting her friend Eliza with her Dustox and Gloom. Maria's best friend quickly ran to meet her with her Pokemon in tow.

"Eliza! How have you been? I've noticed that you've let your hair grow longer on your vacation." said the blond girl to her hazel-eyed friend.

"I've been pretty good, and yeah I know about my hair..." Eliza said, embarrassed, "but I have so much to tell you about! In Kanto, there are so many different Pokemon than here! I saw this one Pokemon, and it was-"

"Eliza, Eliza! Sorry for being rude, but I just had an idea! I'm going to go catch something," she said, quieting Eliza's inquiries as to what "something" was, "so why don't we go catch one together? Maybe you can make a new friend in the park too!"

"Well... I suppose I can, but I don't know about what my dad would say, plus I would need to get a few Pokeballs just in case." said the girl with long amber hair. "Wait a second... you have Pokeballs right there, don't you?"

"Yeah, but you still need to ask your dad, I guess. Just meet me at the park by the forest that's past the pond, OK?" asked Maria before bolting while Eliza responded:

"Wow, she must be excited... I wonder what she wants to catch?"

"Paras, start this with Spore!" The orange-clad girl said, her blue eyes burning with a passionate fury that would rival even the fire of the mythical Pokemon Moltres. Paras quickly released a spore cloud that headed in the direction of his elegant opponent. Maria smirked as the Spore attack loomed before the Beequeen.

"You apparently don't like to beat around the bush, hm?" Mrs. Apodia said. "Beequeen, use Gust to blow the spores right back and damage it! My opponent, do you mind if I say... exploit your Pokemon's weakness? Ah ha ha ha!"

Beequeen powerfully flapped her wings and created a very strong breeze that seemed to be an invisible attacker. The Spore attack was volleyed back to Paras, who quickly countered with an Aromatherapy attack, but was blown back all-and-all by the vicious wind. A large amount of points were added to Beequeen's score on the electric billboard hanging from the roof of the contest hall, while Paras still had zero. Mrs. Apodia simply laughed at this, and ordered Beequeen to use a devastating combination of Defend Order and Attack Order. The Combee that had emerged from her abdomen and returned to it were released again, this time carrying sticky honey that solidified between them into a wall. They quickly charged at the dazed Paras with powerful gusts of wind and stingers while Beequeen relaxed behind the translucent wall of honey with a few gaps where the Combee had charged from. Paras was pathetically attempting to swat the busy bees while they were recreating a literal interpretation of "kicking a dead horse".

Maria was out of breath by the time she arrived at the park. She steadied herself and rested by a tree in wait. Her orange backpack was quickly taken off and she released Paras from his Pokeball. Paras loved this park, as it had lush grass and never had litter in it unlike parks in other cities. He let out a content sigh and greeted a lonely mushroom by the side of the pond in the shade of a large rock. Maria stared up at the sky as a small breeze blew over her green sweatshirt, blue jeans, and hiking boots that were covered by her jeans. The girl sitting in the shade of a tree thanked her common sense that she had a ponytail, otherwise her hair would be blowing everywhere. She fell asleep in the calm conditions and was abruptly woken up by Eliza.

"Hey! I thought you were going to wait for me, you know, while you were awake!" Eliza said, prodding at the sleepy Maria as the girl rubbed her eyes at the four-o'-clock sunlight. She had been sleeping for an hour with nobody there but Paras, who was busy digging to the roots of the tree she sat against.

"Hey, I'm sorry." Maria whispered groggily. "By the way, what time is it now?"

"Oh, it's about four. I'd say that you've been sleeping for an hour, but I'm just guessing." replied Eliza after she glanced at her pink watch.

"Aw... well, I guess I'll just have to look for a Combee faster that I thought I would." the sleepy girl said, yawning.

"Oh! A Combee?" asked her friend. "I think there's a swarm of those things in the forest. I heard about it on the news, and how the park officials and their Pokemon are trying to negotiate with their leader... a Beequeen, is it?"

"And there you have it, folks! The winner of this round is Mrs. Apodia and her Beequeen! Congratulations! Both of your Pokemon will be healed immediately with our expert medical staff at our local Pokemon Center!" Exclaimed the announcer, her green eyes filled with excitement as she looked at the judges. "Let's take a short break while the Pokemon are receiving medical attention, and after we return, we shall announce the winner of this Master-rank Smart contest!" The building filled with the sound of conversation and movement. People were getting out of their seats to line up at the restroom doors or get food from the concession stands while others remained to express their take on who the winner of the contest would be. Maria offered to shake hands with her opponent, who simply laughed and gave her a look that seemed to say "I told you so!". The girl frowned and stormed off of the stage to the Pokemon Center, being greeted by cheers from the people lining the way out. Maria walked to the side the short road that lead to the Pokemon Center, careful to keep her dress out of the dirt that accumulated on the side of the road. The flashy orange dress caught the evening sunset and set it afire with the dazzling elegance of the dress that had been a gift from her parents after she received her Contest license. The minuscule details stood out, with the smallest swirls and lines creating a labyrinth as she stepped through the Pokemon Center's sliding doors.

"Right, a Beequeen." said Maria dully. "We better get started, or we'll get nothing at all." She turned and headed into the forest with Paras in her arms.

"Jeez. No need to be so angry." said Eliza, rolling her eyes behind Maria's back. "Hm... she left her backpack here." With that, she put on the backpack and ran through the forest after Maria.

"May I please see my Paras?" She said, walking over to the Nurse Joy at the counter. A Chansey was busy carrying bandages between the rooms behind Nurse Joy.

"Of course!" the pink-haired woman said, bowing slightly to Maria. She picked up a clipboard from her desk with many numbers and medical jargon that Maria couldn't understand. "Come right this way! Oh, and please be quiet, there are some Pokemon that are resting." Maria nodded and they walked through a rose-colored hallway until the nurse examined a sign and looked at her clipboard. "Here it is. Room 14, patient is a Paras, and the medical problems are... some minor injuries. Maria let out a happy sigh and followed the pink-haired lady into the room, where Paras happily waved to Maria.

Maria stopped in the middle of the forest, with Eliza almost crashing into her at a strange buzzing sound.

"We must be getting close to the hive!" Maria whispered excitedly, pointing forward. "Let's see if it's up ahead."

"Paras! I'm so glad to see that you're okay! Are you feeling better now?" Maria asked, running over to cradle Super Mushroom in her arms. Paras responded with a soft "click" and gently pinched Maria on the arm.

"Ow!" She said, rubbing her arm gingerly after she placed Paras back into the tiny bed that he had been resting in. "Well, I guess you're fine now, so do you want to go see the results?"


"Maria... I don't have a good feeling about this. They've said that even the park officials' Pokemon had a tough time just to meet their queen!" Eliza said, holding Maria back. She grew annoyed and escaped from her friend's death-grip.

"Oh stop being a such a girly-girl! Look, I see the hive now! It's... beautiful." The blond girl said, her blue eyes wide open with amazement.

"Really? I have to see thi-" Her friend said doubtfully, running in front of Maria. "...Wow..."

The hive stretched as far as the eye could see into the lush wilderness under the cover of trees. Golden honey dripped from every tree limb as Combee busily flew from the wax combs that encrusted every tree trunks. Spain would be ashamed that they overlooked this El Dorado. A curious Combee dropped into Eliza's sight from above the tree canopy, startling her to the point where she tripped backwards on a rock.

"Bee? Combee?" The strange hexagonal creature said. Its two clear wings were buzzing, and its three faces looked at the two newcomers quizzically, with a red dot at the top of its bottom face. It was immediately examined by an excited Maria who frightened it away, crying out for help, which never came.

"Wait! Come back here, please!" Maria pleaded, chasing after the low-flying Pokemon with her arms outstretched. It shrieked as Eliza leaped up and chased after her friend, mumbling about how she shouldn't have come.

"All right, ladies and gentlemen, we have the final results!" the announcer said onstage. Maria and her opponent were standing proudly beside the judges, who were commenting on their performances. "As you may know, this contest was a Master-rank Smart Contest between Maria and Ms. Apodia, who respectively performed with Paras and Beequeen. However, only one contestant will win the Master-rank Smart Contest medal! Thanks to our amazing judges, this competition has been quickly and fairly judged, so give them a hand!" The crowd applauded and died down as she continued. "Now, the winner of this contest is.... Ms. Apodia! Congratulations on winning this contest, and congratulations to Maria also for her amazing efforts! Let's give both of them a hand!" Maria frowned, even though the entire building shook with thunderous applause and euphoric cheers for both contestants.

"Say... do you want to know a secret?" Ms. Apodia whispered to Maria. Her opponent's head turned, though her frown deepened. "Sore loser, hm? Oh well, guess we can't all be happy. Anyways, my Beequeen has told me of a rivaling swarm coming to visit in the forest. You know, the forest area by the park?" Maria nodded, and the black-and-yellow garbed woman continued her monologue. "Well, there's going to be a large swarm of Combee arriving in a month or so. You might want to check it out, as my Beequeen still feels loyal to her hive, even though her... capture abruptly ended that relationship. Remember though, be careful about battling a large group of Combee. Although they're weak, our contest is a perfect example of how devastating their Gust attacks can be." Maria quickly nodded, and shook hands with Ms. Apodia when they were to congratulate each other. The lead judge presented Maria's rival with a small green box, which she promptly opened and removed the shiny gold medal from it and draped it around her Beequeen's neck, clasping it. The crowd cheered for the final time as a large red curtain draped over the entire stage, obscuring it from view.

"Remember, one month in the park forest, and beware of large groups." The Beequeen owner told Maria as she walked away, her black-and-yellow gown swaying with each step as she pushed through thick metal doors and left through the rear exit of the building, leaving Maria speechless as Paras tugged on her fiery dress.
If you want to challenge my gym, please send me a PM on PE2K or message me on AIM (gun6gun6) ! I'm sorry if I can't respond immediately sometimes. :x

Last edited by gun6; 05-15-2007 at 10:18 PM.
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Old 05-10-2007, 03:49 AM
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Default Re: Bugging Out 3: To Bee, or Not to Bee?


The Combee finally stopped to avoid a collision with another Combee, who was completely identical to it up to the red dot on its forehead. It quickly asked the other Combee if it could help it with its stalkers, at which it promptly agreed. They charged toward the two girls, who ducked under the charging bees and instinctively pulled out their Pokeballs and threw them at the dry soil.

"Go Super Mushroom! Use Stun Spore on them to slow them down!"

"Go Dustox! Help Paras out with your Silver Wind attack!"

Paras quickly scattered a Stun Spore in the air, retreating as his partner blew the spore cloud over to the two bee Pokemon. The cloud quickly engulfed the two Bee Pokemon, easily clinging to the short bristles on their skin which usually held pollen. They started to fall to the ground until one reacted with a quick Gust attack that completely cleaned its friend and cured its paralysis. The rejuvenated Combee quickly assisted its partner, and soon they were combat-ready once more. They simultaneously developed a strategy where they covered each other with a Gust attack to defend themselves from other powder or spore-based attacks, as well as to damage their foes.

"Oh no, this isn't good!" Maria said nervously. "We have to act fast... I know! Let my Paras ride on the back of your Dustox and we can anchor them down with your String Shot and hurt them with my Paras's physical attacks! Paras, use Slash whenever you're close enough to the Combee!"

"All right!" Eliza said, shaking with the excitement of a team battle. "Dustox, cover those two with String Shot!" Paras leaped onto a waiting Dustox who quickly flew into the air to chase the two Combee. They reacted by charging towards Dustox and Paras, then narrowly avoiding them and creating a dual gale-force attack. Dustox avoided it with Protect, while prepared a Poisonpowder attack that wouldn't effect themselves, but would hinder their foes. Paras told Dustox about his idea and they both nodded. The Combee swarmed around them to try a pincer movement, but didn't expect Dustox to fire a sticky String Shot laced with Poisonpowder that quickly pulled them down to the ground and weakened them.

"Great job, team!" Eliza shouted, preparing a Pokeball for the imminent capture. However, Maria grimaced as she spotted a large swarm of Combee approaching to assist their downed allies. "Go, Gloom! Pacify that swarm with a Sweet Scent and Sleep Powder combination now!" Eliza added, throwing a sphere with red and white halves that met at a silver button in the center after Maria whispered the information into her ear.

"Gloom!" Exclaimed the drooling flower Pokemon. Gloom released a Sleep Powder from its large flower, and allowed its mouth to overflow with the sticky, sweet-smelling "saliva" that attracts its prey. The Combee conversed with eachother, and headed towards the walking flower in a beeline, passing out before they slammed into the ground at a high velocity and instantly fainted. Maria took this opportunity to pull out a spare Pokeball while Dustox cleaned the area up with a strong Whirlwind attack. However, Dustox's attack blew the Poisonpowder and sticky string off of the Combee, who immediately decided to take Paras out with a powerful combination of Gusts. Paras was blown to the ground and fainted in mid-air, forcing Maria to cry out and throw Paras's Pokeball while he was still falling.

"Ok, that's it! This is personal, you stupid bees!" She said, fuming with rage. She quickly picked up a fallen tree branch and chased the two Combee, who futilely attempted to push her back with their best Gust attacks. She attempted to swat the two Pokemon out of the air with the branch, but was too slow to hit them, and fell on her face in the dirt. Eliza gasped and ordered Dustox to bind the two distracted bees with String Shot. The purple bug instantly fired a silky string from its mouth that bound the two Combee once again.

"Quick! Now's our chance Maria! Get up and try again!" Eliza said, helping Maria off of the ground. The blond-haired girl's nose was bleeding, but she managed to throw the Pokeball that she held in her left hand, as did Eliza.

*One... one...* *Two... two...* *Three... three...*

"Come on Paras, we're going to catch a Combee!"
If you want to challenge my gym, please send me a PM on PE2K or message me on AIM (gun6gun6) ! I'm sorry if I can't respond immediately sometimes. :x

Last edited by gun6; 05-14-2007 at 11:03 PM.
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Old 05-15-2007, 08:37 PM
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Default Re: Bugging Out 3: To Bee, or Not to Combee?

Sorry about the wait, but my internet likes to die on me.

EDIT: It happened again and something came up. I'm sorry. I'm back, so maybe the Aerodactyl helped!

Story: I have to admit I'm a fan of stories where you have the initial plot, but it also contains flashbacks of something that happened prior to the story itself. It gives more insight into what you're writing, usually, and it helps the readers become more interested as well.

Anyway, a girl loses a competition to someone's nasty Beequeen, she goes into a forest to train and finds wild Combee! I'm aware the character was specifically hunting after that Pokemon, as it was the main point behind the story, but just that and going into the forest pretty much set the stage for the outcome. Don't get me wrong, as this story was written wonderfully (especially by someone your age!) and I enjoyed it, and I'm also aware that Combee are typically only found in forests, but that factor alone is all I have to complain about. The majority of the stories I grade (sometimes write) are set in the same atmosphere, but there's a part of me that's positive you can dream up something more imaginative for future stories. Combee are relatively common, though, so I'm not really going to take this into consideration too much. Just keep this in mind for other stories, even ones that aren't for the URPG.

Grammar/Spelling: It appears flawless. You're either good, or my MS Word is busted, because I couldn't find anything too obvious here. I'll give you ten points for this section plus an extra five for being gun6.

Length: I think it's enough for two Combee. I HATED looking for females on those honey trees in the game, though... I never got one.

Detail/Description: Again, I don't think I'll have to fear the future of writing very much when someone as young as you is able to plant these expertly throughout your story. Nothing was lacking, you had enough detail to describe characters and places, and I was able to get a clear picture of what everything looked like, too. I'm not sure what to say, as I'm pretty impressed. My favorite parts were the flashbacks with the contest and the rival Beequeen.

If I had to give advice, I guess it would be to make use of all five senses. Smell could be interesting in Pokemon battles, as well as touch (I wonder what the hive would have felt like?), but I think you covered the other three pretty well. Those would make for some pretty cool descriptions, though!

Battle: Grass Pokemon usually equal fun battles, since they get things like Stun Spore, and I thought this was another nice addition to the story. It was a double battle, and it was fair enough, at least to me. Details were good, attack choices were great, and I think this makes up for the whole "Pokemon in forest" thing.

I have to say that I'm terrified of bees, and the part where the Combee rushed towards the girls made me cringe. Bonus points for scaring a moderator!

Outcome: Combee and Combee Captured! - You are cool.

Last edited by Seawolf; 05-16-2007 at 05:21 PM.
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Old 05-16-2007, 01:01 AM
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Default Re: Bugging Out 3: To Bee, or Not to Combee?

D: *casts Aero on your interweb*

From what I can see, I'm glad that you liked the story part of it, although it is pretty unoriginal. Things just tend to slip from the mind when you're in a writing fever, eh? X_X

*shall edit when your internet manages to not die on you ;p*

EDIT: Yesh! X3 Thankies so much Megoo! I'll be sure to send you a Combee plushie if the PokemonCenter gets one. ;)

Oh, and get a Ditto from your FR/LG through Pal Park. I have a Beequeen.
If you want to challenge my gym, please send me a PM on PE2K or message me on AIM (gun6gun6) ! I'm sorry if I can't respond immediately sometimes. :x

Last edited by gun6; 05-16-2007 at 10:08 PM.
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