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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 05-10-2007, 06:30 PM
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Default The Electrtcian That Fixes Pokemon

To all you Graders

This is For Shinx and I don't think it can be graded since D/P comes out anyway
here you go
-----------------------------
Pokemon: Shinx
Charecters: 7430
---------------------------------------------------

The sun had just started to set. The sky was a brilliant and beautiful pinkish orange colour, and there wasn't a cloud in sight. There was a slight breeze, seemingly blowing only at the ferry I was riding. The breeze was like a re-assurance to me. It calmed my nerves and eased my threat. I had told the ferryman I was going to Ecruteak City. I had heard rumours of the graceful ghost Pokemon that were there. I also heard of the Legend of Morty, the very first Gym Leader to occupy that gym. I heard of his magnificent battles, his cunning and clever strategies, and his will to never give up. I heard these stories when I was but of six years of age. These stories had swayed me into making the decision to go out and capture a ghost-type of my own, and on my tenth birthday I had found a small Ghastly in our gloomy garage and I plucked the courage and captured it with the Pokeball I found lying around in the garage. But I knew this was a bold challenge, and could very well put me in one or multiple life-threatening situations. I decided first chance I got, I would go out and accept my odds. I had decided to take the risk.
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[URPG] [VPP] [Knights of the Round Table] [ASB]

“For ten years I chased Suicune, and I finally got to see it. I'm all choked up!”

Last edited by Gold Rush; 05-13-2007 at 06:00 PM.
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  #2  
Old 05-10-2007, 06:33 PM
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Default Re: The Electrtion That Fixes Pokemon


I took a deep breath and took my first step into Ecruteak city. The city was bursting with life people all around landmarks, tourist everywhere ,but I didn’t come here to sightsee, I came here to battle my Idol battle my favourite Gym leader, earn my favourite Gym badge. I slowly ambled across to the gym but on the way I saw a crowd of people lined up outside of a building there was a huge sign saying “The Kimono Girls.”
I seemed interested in the building so I went to have a look inside.
A Few Minutes Later………………………………................................. ..........


“Wow the stage is huge” I thought.

I ambled onto a seat and watched the show, In the middle of the show one of them challenged one person from the audience to a battle and guess who she picked? Me.
And of course I never back down from a challenge. I slowly paced up to the stage and we began our battle.

“Hey are you ready for the battle of your life and call me Sarah” asked Sarah.

“Don’t worry, I won’t make you cry” I replied.

“ Gooooooo Espeon!” Roared Sarah.

“ Huh, Go Gengar!” I ordered.

“ Espeon, use Psychic!” Ordered Sarah.

“ Gengar, dodge and then follow up with, Hypnosis!” I Roared.

Gengar Leaped into the air dodging the lethal blow by Espeon, and fired a surprisingly accurate Hypnosis at his foe Espeon couldn’t resist falling into a deep sleep.

“Gengar, use Shadowball” I Ordered.

“ Espeon wake up I need you” Ordered Sarah.

A dark ball attacked Espeon in it’s sleep, Espeon jerked left to right being jolted by the shadow ball ,but Espeon did not wake from his deep sleep.

“ Gengar we can win this use one last Shadowball” I ordered.

“ Espeon this is our last chance wake up and fire a huge Psychic!” Roared Sarah.

And at that call Espeon woke up and fired a huge blast of Psychic blowing Gengar of his feet.

“ Gengar wake up, try another shadow ball” I ordered.

“Espeon your up and running, use a good old Psychic and blow that nasty Gengar away back to where it came from” asked Sarah to her faithful Espeon.

Gengar Quickly responded to my instructions and hit the Espeon with his strongest Shadowball destroying the Psychic and still leaving enough power to knock out the little Espeon, I had won.

“ Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooo” I panted in triumph.

“ I beat a….. Kimono girl” I roared


The crowd was stunned and the other Kimono girls offered me to stay in a 5 star hotel for the night and obliviously I agreed. When I stepped into my room I was stunned by the room ,but I had little time to look around I was feeling really sleepy, so I slept on the soft comfortable bed and relaxed.

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[URPG] [VPP] [Knights of the Round Table] [ASB]

“For ten years I chased Suicune, and I finally got to see it. I'm all choked up!”

Last edited by Gold Rush; 05-13-2007 at 07:00 PM.
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  #3  
Old 05-10-2007, 06:35 PM
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Default Re: The Electrtion That Fixes Pokemon


The Next Day.

When I woke up, I shook my head at my strange dream, confused. It had to mean something, dreams like that usually did … I slapped myself, knocking the sleep and confusion out of my head, this would be a busy day. After a while, I got showered and brushed my teeth and drank some milk, being careful not to wake Gengar as well. Putting on a cap, I left to go to talk with Professor Oak on the phone. I saw Professor Oak working on his special pokemon mind reader, and went straight to him.

“Hey, Professor ,I have had a few nightmares lately about Gengar do you know what’s up?".

“Well your Gengar may be using Nightmare on you while you were asleep” asked Professor Oak.

“But, that doesn’t sound like Gengar really he isn’t evil is he“? I replied.

“Well he could be Sleep attacking, that maybe an option” replied Professor Oak

“ Tell me more Professor” I asked

“ Well a Pokemon may have had a permanent stat lowering by another pokemon by attack like Psychic used very forcefully could knock a pokemon off it’s feet and give it headaches and concussion in it sleep does that sound familiar”? asked Professor Oak.

A sudden memory flashed in my head between the battle with Espeon and Gengar and I told Professor Oak softly
“Yeah Gengar had a close conflict with an Espeon we knocked it out but that must have been a side effect is there anyway to heal it?” I asked.

“Yes but it will be hard there is a rare pokemon called Shinx, you must capture it and use it’s tails ,mystic powers to heal Gengar but every minute you leave him the more things grow worse he may even attack you, and you know that Gengar is your only Pokemon so you must take him with you.” Answered Professor Oak.

“Ok Professor” I replied.



I had to set off, I ran into the hotel and ran into my room grabbing my bag and shaking Gengar to wake him up. Gengar looked drowsy and weak but he had to come along or I couldn’t make the journey without him. I grabbed my Pokeball and returned him and made my way out, but I had to speak to Professor Oak very briefly. I jumped to the last phone available and dialled his number of Professor Oak. “ Professor I’m ready were can I find this pokemon called Shinx”, I asked.

“Well you are lucky because it lives on the outskirts of Ecruteak city, packs f the pokemon patrol Ecruteak every night, but there is one problem, like I said they only appear at night and Gengar does not have that long to survive he only has 20 minutes to survive move as fast as you can” ordered Professor Oak.

I ran out of the hotel as fast as I could and ran down to the bottom of the city I timed my watch so I can keep watch of Gengar’s remaining time to live. I ran as fast as I could looking madly in the grass for Shinx’s but unfortunately I couldn’t find them I search for ten minutes non-stop until I was lucky enough to spot a sleeping Shinx I had to challenge it I grabbed the Pokeball were Gengar was and shot it out of my palm. The ball cracked on the floor and revealed Gengar, suddenly Shinx woke up and Growled at Gengar. Gengar smirked.


“Gengar use Shadowball” I ordered

Gengar leapt into the air and fired a dark ball from his fingertips at Shinx. Shinx ducked and hit Gengar with a fierce Thunderbolt.
Gengar was weak but he had to fight, sweat poured from my face as. Suddenly Shinx fired a double attack he followed Thunderbolt up by Thunder fang which knocked Gengar to the floor. Gengar slowly got up and nodded his head to give me reassurance that he was ok.

“ Gengar try a Hypnosis” I roared

Gengar fired the Hypnosis ,but it was a very slow attack and it was evaded with ease. Suddenly Shinx lunged up in the air and then bit Gengar as hard as he could. The dropped of and landed perfectly on the floor. Gengar shrieked with pain. Shinx was a lot smaller than Gengar but he was no pushover he would not give up until the end. Gengar looked hurt and he was a lot weaker than usual ,but he had to fight or he would not survive this battle. Shinx’s Claws popped out of it’s paw and he sharpened them on the ground. Suddenly while Gengar was Recovering from his pain Shinx started scratching him with his strongest Scratch, but luckily for Gengar Shinx found out that normal attacks don’t effect Gengar. Gengar slowly grinned and it slowly widened. Shinx Growled at Gengar since it was angry. Gengar was still weak when suddenly a zigzagoon brushed past him and gave him a note and a Hyper potion. The note read

Dear Adam
This is a Hyper potion and It will help heal Gengar, Shinx’s are tough fighters use this wisely.
Your sincerely Professor Oak.


I grabbed the potion and fed it to Gengar, Gengar felt recharged and now he could battle with as much strength as he could. Gengar flipped round to show that he was healthy but he was losing health rapidly.
Gengar had to speed up.

“Use Dark Pulse Gengar” I ordered

And without fail Gengar followed my orders and fired a gloomy pulse onto Shinx. A chill ran down my spine seeing this happen but would not be scared. My insides were churning we had to act speedily Gengar had five minutes left.

“Gengar try a Nightshade scare the living daylights out of him” I ordered.

Gengar slowly ambled up to the weakened Shinx and scared the pokemon nearly half to death. Suddenly Gengar felt a light jab on his left shoulder. He shrieked in pain but Gengar was no wimp. Shinx overcame it’s fear and hit Gengar with a powerful Bite.

“Gengar try your best you have to hang on use Shadowball” I ordered.

Gengar was unhealthy he was nearly on the verge of dying but he had to carry on. Gengar fired an on target Shadowball hitting Shinx on his nose.
Shinx looked cross, and Screeched to Gengar and then attacked Gengar with Thunderwave Paralyzing Gengar on the spot. Gengar could not move he was speechless and couldn’t even grin. Suddenly I remembered something Mum gave me a paralyze heal to me before I left, I grabbed the Item from my backpack and threw it onto Gengar. Gengar swayed his arms and was ready to roll time was running low for him. Suddenly Shinx attacked with a Discharge but it backfired and it hit him this was Gengar’s chance! We communicated without speaking Gengar had become telepathic! Gengar new exactly what to do he used a Hypnosis while Shinx was Paralyzed and then it happened again I spoke with my mind and thought

“Gengar use your Shadowball we need to capture this”.

Gengar screamed from the pain and then fired the strongest Shadowball it could blasting Shinx into the air flipping it round and round and then finishing with Shinx flat on the floor, Gengar panted hard, this was my chance it’s the only way I could get him and help Gengar. I threw the ball as hard as I could and It sucked Shinx up with a red glow and I waited eagerly………………………………...............................
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[URPG] [VPP] [Knights of the Round Table] [ASB]

“For ten years I chased Suicune, and I finally got to see it. I'm all choked up!”

Last edited by Gold Rush; 05-13-2007 at 07:13 PM.
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  #4  
Old 05-11-2007, 05:09 PM
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Default Re: The Electrtion That Fixes Pokemon

Plot/Introduction: ^^ I liked how you opened your story. It caught and kept the reader's attention. Very well done.

The plot seems a little jumpy though. At first you say your char wants to get a Ghost, but then he has a Gengar. When did he get it? It would have been nice to know how and when he obtained it, seeing as it had been something he'ed wanted to do. However, the fact that you worked Shinx into the plot was nice, so I can Pass it.

Length: Hmmm...I'm going to go by the list in the first page of the D/P Story Plans post, and have Shinx listed as simple. Therefore, over 7k is enough to catch him. Pass ^^.

Detail: Hmmm, this part was okay in some areas and lacking in others. Like I tell everyone else: even though this is a Pokemon forum, it's always a good idea to assume none of your readers have ever seen any Pokemon in your story. Therefore, you should always describe how they look. You also should give details as to how other characters look, and how the moves of attacking Pokemon appear.

Don't forget, visual details aren't the only ones either. You could tell us how things sound, what the ground and air feels like, how the air smelled of tension as the battle raged on. Sorry, but this part Fails.

Grammer/Spelling:
Quote:
...graceful ghost Pokemon (pokemon) that were there...
Pokemon should always be capitalized.

Quote:
I decided the first chance I got...
You forgot 'the' between 'decided' and 'first.'

Quote:
The city was bursting with life, people all around landmarks, tourists everywhere (every were).
You forgot to add a comma where I put one, 'tourist' needed and 's' added, and 'everywhere' is one word, with an 'h' added in so it's not 'everywere' ^^. You also forgot the period before starting your new sentence, "But I didn't..."

Quote:
But (,) I didn’t come here (he) to sightsee (sight see), I came here to battle my idol, (Idol) battle my favourite Gym (gym) leader, and earn my favourite gym badge.
Yeah, there were quite a few mistakes in this sentence. 'Sightsee' is one word, not two, and 'Gym' needed to be capitalized.

Quote:
I was (seemed) interested in the building so I went to have a look inside.
When doing first-peron, you know how your character feels and thinks. Therefore, you should have put 'was' instead of 'seemed.' Otherwise, it sounds and looks wrong.

Quote:
“Wow the stage is huge,” I thought.
I saw this mistake quite a few times throughout the story. You didn't place any punctuation at the end of your dialogue. At the and of any dialogue, you need to place something. A comma, if the sentence didn't end with the character's speaking, an exclamation point or question mark, a period, something. I won't point out the other ones, so you can find and edit them yourself.

Quote:
“ Gooooooo Espeon” roared (Roared) Sarah.
You did this a lot too, capitalizing the first word after your dialogue ended. The only time you do this is if the dialogue ends with a period, exclamation point, or question mark, or if the speaker's name follows, such as, "Go Espeon!" Sarah commanded.

There were other mistakes, such as times when you didn't capitalize the first word of beginning dialogue, but in my way I won't point out all the mistakes. Instead, I'll leave them for you to find and correct, since you'll learn faster that way than if I just tell you everything that's wrong.

The biggest thing about this is that all your seperate paragraphs were grouped together. This made the story look clunky and harder to read. Remember, when starting a new paragraph or when a different character begins talking, hit Enter twice to break everything up. It'll look nicer and be easier to read.

All in all, I can't really Pass this part. Sorry.

Battle: This is what killed your story. Ths battle was just way too short. I generally believe a battle should equal about half the story itself, but there have been times when I couldn't do this, so it's not always something you can do. Still, this battle should have been at least half a post, and should have included more moves. I doubt a Shinx would have been defeated so easily unless it was REALLY weak, and at any rate, they aren't that simple to catch. The Shinx only got one attack off. This part seemed kinda rushed to me, to be honest.

Sorry, but this part Fails. It just wan't long or complex enough.

Outcome: Shinx Not Captured. The plot and battle are the two most important factors for a story, and while the plot was okay, the battle decided the outcome. Just fix up a few of the things I mentioned, make the battle longer, and I'll re-Grade it for you ^^.
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Last edited by Dog of Hellsing; 05-12-2007 at 06:28 PM.
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  #5  
Old 05-12-2007, 07:05 PM
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Default Re: The Electrtcian That Fixes Pokemon

Can I have a regrade please

For: Shinx
-------------------------------------
Charecters : 8298
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“For ten years I chased Suicune, and I finally got to see it. I'm all choked up!”
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  #6  
Old 05-13-2007, 05:33 PM
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Default Re: The Electrtcian That Fixes Pokemon

Unfortunately, the battle still isn't long enough. How about this: if you can make it just 1k longer, seperate your paragrahs, and make sure everything that is supposed to be capitalized is, I'll Pass your story. Sound fair? Really, that's all the story needs anyways to Pass.

Requirements:

*Battle needs to be between 900-1000 characters longer
*Capitalize all needed words
*Seperate paragraphs

If you like, I can talk with you over AIM in order to help you out more ^^.

EDIT: There are still some things that need to be taken care of, but you've tried to make it better, I can see. Not to mention I've kept telling you to do more stuff lol. For now, I'll say Shinx Captured, but know that if another Grader feels otherwise, they have permission to void this and make it a no-capture. I'm going to keep working on this with you so we can make it look nice, so your next story won't have the same problems.
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Last edited by Dog of Hellsing; 05-13-2007 at 06:45 PM.
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