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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 05-10-2007, 01:13 PM
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Default Machop to the Rescue

Machop to the Rescue


I was standing in an immensely exciting battle, my Crobat hovering above the battlefield.

“Crobat, use a Shadow Ball attack on Metagross,” I shouted.

“Metagross, Zen Headbutt,” the red haired-trainer standing on the opposite end of the field shouted.

Crobat opened its mouth wide and spat out a large blob of Drakness towards the crystal blue Steel type. It didn’t do much damage and the sturdy Metagross lowered its head and shot towards Crobat its head glowing with the seven colors of the rainbow. It hit the hovering bat squarely knocking out its breadth. The impact was enough for Crobat to faint, and it fell to the ground, it’s speed accelerating really fast. Next moment, it overturned and headed straight towards me, it’s razor sharp fangs headed straight at my head…

A sharp pain, a blinding flash of light...

My eyes flew open and I stared down at the cold floor, suddenly losing track of what was going on. I turned around, and saw my mother staring down at me, her mouth wide open and her hand on the light switch on the wall. She was dressed in a pink gown, and suddenly it all came back to me.

Of course, how could I battle someone, I had no Pokemon. In fact, today was my 10th birthday and my father had promised me one. It was a dream, it all fits in now. I had fell from the bed in my sleep and had hurt myself. It all came to me in flash, and I was disgusted I had made a fool of myself in front of Mom.

“And may I ask you what is going on here?” Mom asked, finally closing her mouth.

“I, well, I fell,” I replied, not wanting to tell Mom what actually had happened.

“How?”

“Let’s not get into details right now, Mom,” I said trying to shake the matter off, “Have you forgotten what day is today?”

“Oh, of course not, Happy Birthday Frank! Your father is waiting for you in the lab,” she said landing a kiss on my cheek.

“Cool, I’ll have a quick wash and be there in ten minutes.” I replied.

So Dad’s got a new Pokemon ready for me, I wonder what it’ll be, something good I’m sure, I thought happily.

I washed really quickly and I was down at Dad’s lab in less than five minutes.

“Hey, Dad.”

“Hi, Frank,” Dad said. “Happy Birthday. You know why you’re here, right?”

“Yup, you’re going to give me a new Pokemon, right?”

“Correct, come with me.”

He led me to a table placed on the other side of the room, on which four Pokeballs were placed.

“Come on out,” he called.

The four Pokeballs opened up at once, and in front of me were sitting four different Pokemon – Pikachu, Chikorita, Mudkip and a Chimchar.

I had been reading Pokemon magazines and books since the time I had learned to read, and I knew each and every Pokemon’s name. Or wait, there’s this ugly Scorpion’s name that I always forget…

“So, which one do you want, Frank?” Dad asked.

“Hm,” I said rotating round the table.

I wasn’t sure which one to choose, all of them looked extremely well bred and strong.

“Which one will you recommend, Dad?” I asked. “I mean which one of them is the best?”

“All of these are really good Pokemon, Frank. It depends on your personal preference, really,” he said as the four Pokemon looked around them, excitement shining in their eyes.

I observed the four Pokemon for a minute or so, and finally made up my mind.

“I’ll take Chimchar, I guess.”

“Good choice, Son,” he said returning the Pokemon to their Pokeballs, and handing me the last one.

“Before you set off for your journey, let me give you a few more things.”

He walked back to his desk, and brought out a small rucksack and another little object, which I had never seen before.

“Here you go, Frank,” he said, handing me both the things. “The rucksack contains everything you’ll need on your journey, a guide book of Kanto, a badge case, Pokeballs and a medical kit. That’ll help you revive or heal your Pokemon when you’re not near a Pokemon Center. And of course, some money to buy suppolies. You can get more when you win battles, but that’ll do as a starter fund,”

“That’s nice, Dad, Thanks,” I said. “And what’s that?” I asked pointing to the small red rectangular device in Dad’s hand.

“This,” he said, “is Professor Oak’s creation, the Pokedex. It records data on every Pokemon you’ve seen or caught.”

“Wow, I’ve always wanted one of those,” I said. “Thanks for everything, Dad. I’ll say goodbye to Mom, and then I’ll be off. Bye.”

I walked out of the lab and walked towards the kitchen. It was quite large, with a nice warm feeling hanging around it. Mom was there, wearing the same apron.

“Frank, here you are,” she said giving me a hug. “All set to begin?” she said with a smile.

“Yeah, I was just here to say goodbye, Mom.” I replied.

“I’ve made some sandwiches for you, Frank. They’ll be enough till Viridian City, where you can buy more,” she said, handing me a huge packet of sandwiches. “Have fun on the journey, dear. Keep dropping in to see me and your father, alright?”

“Yeah, I’ll keep visiting. Goodbye.”

“Goodbye, Frank,” she said.

***

I was walking towards Viridian City through Route 1, which connected Pallet Town to Route 2, which led to Viridian City, with my new Chimchar sitting on my shoulder.

“Are you happy with me, Chimchar?” I asked.

“Chim-chimchar.”

“I’ll take that as a yes,” I replied, laughing.

“So, our first job is to get some battles done, to get the feel of things. And we need to get a few new friends for you as well, Chimchar,” I said. “Let’s go, shall we?” I said, as we entered Route 2.

We were in luck for the moment we entered the route, we spotted a wild Rattata.

“Hey, Rattata, I challenge you to a battle,” I said, as Chimchar jumped off my shoulder, readying itself for combat.

The Rattata too positioned himself for a battle. Before eiher of us good act though, a cry of terrible apain went up in the air, as if someone was being tortured. It sounded like a cry of a Pokemon, but I could not be sure.

The Rattata ran away at once, and all thoughts of a battle went out of my mind.

“Come on, Chimchar, let’s see what it is,” I said, beckoning the little fire monkey to climb on my shoulder. It did so, and we rushed off in the direction of the sound.

The source of the sound wasn’t too far, we ran straight into it.

Two hefty kids and their Geodudes were beating a poor Lotad, who was writhing and crying with pain. I wasn't sure how the two Rock and Ground types had managed to reduce a Lotad to such a poor condition, but now was not the time to think about that.

“Hey you,” I shouted, “get out of here.”

“And who are you to tell us that, may I ask you?” the taller of the two said, narrowing his eyes on me.

“Get out of here,” I repeted, “or else face me in a battle.”

The smaller one let out a cruel laugh, as its eyes fell on my Chimchar.

“Let’s teach him what happens to those who mess with us, shall we?” the shorter one asked.

“Yeah, I think we need to,” the other one replied. “How about a double battle, boy?”

“But,” I began, “I only have one Pokemon.”

“Not our problem, is it?” the short one replied, laughing.

I’m at a huge disadvantage here, Chimchar has a weakness to Geodude, and there are two of them.

“We can’t let the poor bird suffer, Chimchar, right?” I said. “Come on now, time for a battle.”

Chimchar jumped forward.

“You’ve got some guts boy, but you’ll regret this.”

“Rollout, Geodude,” both of them shouted.

“Try and stop them with a Flamethrower, Chimchar.”

Chimchar let out a huge breath of orange fire, which singed the hard and boulder-like body of the Rock-types giving out a strong smell of smoke, though it was not enough to stop the two Geodudes. They rolled on, one after the other, rattling the earth and hit Chimchar staright in the head, and then returned to their original positions.

“Still want to battle, boy?” the taller one asked.

“Chimchar, come on get up, you need to fight,” I said to Chimchar.

But to tell the truth, I wasn’t even sure myself if I should proceed. Chimchar knew no move that could do some respectable damage on the Geodudes.

“No need for both of us to attack now,” the taller kid said to the shorter one, who nodded.

“Geodude, finish this with another Rollout.”

One of the Geodude’s curled up again, and proceeded to finish the match. Meanwhile I was thinking hard of something, but nothing came to my mind.

And then suddenly came from nowhere, a blue creature, not very tall, but highly muscular. It placed itself between the rolling boulder, and the damaged monkey, and arranged its small but strong arms in the shape of a cross, forcing the Geodude to come to a halt.

“A Machop,” I gasped.

Once it had managed to bring the Geodude to a halt, it stepped back and a few steps and threw a kick at it, sending it flying backwards and colliding with the other one.

“Wow, a Low Kick attack.”

The Machop turned its head around and gave me a stiff nod, clearly indicating that it had come to help.

“Alright, Machop use a Cross Chop attack on the two Geodudes,” I said. “Chimchar, you’d better try and regain some health using Slack Off,” I added to the monkey.

Machop went forward again, smacking the two Pokemon hard with its strong arms, while Chimchar seemed to doze off, thought it woke up instantly, a bit more healthy.

The Geodudes had no chance to dodge Machop’s attack, thanks to its special No Guard ability.

“Seems you’ve come for another beating, eh?” the taller boy said to the Machop. Apparently, they had met before.

Machop did nothing except giving them a cool look.

“Geodude, use Earthquake on that skinny Machop,” both shouted out.

The Geodudes punched their hands heavily on the earth, which started trembling, but Machop was too fast for them. It leaped staright into the air, avoiding the two grounded attack and hit one of the two Geodude’s straight in the face with another Low Kick attack, which stumbled backwards and lay there motionless.

An expression of shock came over the taller kid’s face, apparently it was his Geodude that had just fainted.

“I’ll get them, bro, don’t worry,” the other one said, as Machop landed lightly on the ground.

“We’ve got no other chance against the Machop, he seemed to have learnt a few tricks since we last battled it, just make your Geodude explode on them.”

“Geodude, Explosion.”

“No…,” I said, as Machop leaped into the air trying to avoid the hit “we won’t be able to survive that.” I shouted, clearly confused, what to do. If Explosion hits, the Geodude will faint, though the blow will be enough to knock out Chimchar and Machop. I need to think of something, and quickly, I thought.

But before I could do anything, Chimchar had leaped forward, a ghastly blue fire surrounding it. The fire shot straight towards Geodude, who was just going to Explode. The fire seemed to have no effect on Geodude, except that it winced a little, and then there was a huge explosion, sending smoke and dust into the air.

The haze cleared away quickly, and there stood Chimchar and Machop, battered though still conscious, but the Geodude lay fainted on the ground.

“But surely, that wasn’t a Will-O-Wisp attack, was it?” I said, completely dazed. A weak smile was the answer. The Will-O-Wisp had burned the Geodude, reducing the impact of the Explosion attack.

The two bullies quickly summoned their Pokemon back, and ran away without another word.

“Thanks, Machop,” I said, turning to the blue fighter. “You really helped a lot, I don’t think we would have been able to get out of this mess without you.” And then, suddenly I spoke out, “How about you join our team?”

I could see the Machop was delighted, but it arranged itself into a combative position.

“Of course, you want me to battle you…”

I quickly pulled out a couple of Full Restores from my rucksack, and sprayed one on Chimchar, whose bruises and cuts vanished instantly. I then proceeded to spray the other one on Machop, but it shook its head vigorously, clearly indicating that he didn’t want me to do it.

“It’ll be unfair, but what can I do if it wouldn’t agree itself?” I said to myself.

“Alright, then, Chimchar, I choose you.”

Chimchar stepped forward and the battle commenced.

“Let’s begin with a Will-O-Wisp attack, Chimchar.”

Machop tried to dodge the attack as Chimchar shot the same blue flames at it, but this time its No Guard ability went against it.

“Great, follow up with a Flamethrower, Chimchar.”

Chimchar shot a huge beam of flames at it, which singed Machop’s body, giving out the same burning smell when it had hit Geodude, but this time it was more effective.

Machop was wiser now, and did not try to evade the hit, but instead struck Chimchar with a punch. Its hands were glowing green and Chimchar was now bearing a confused expressioin on its face.

“Oh no, that Dynamic Punch has confused Chimchar.”

“Chimchar, don’t worry, strike with a Façade attack.”

Chimchar went forward, but instead scratched its own face, as Machop landed him another Low Kick, knocking Chimchar off his feet.

But Machop was struggling to remain standing as well, the burn was constantly damaging Machop too.

The kick however seemed to have brought Chimchar back to its senses.

“Alright, Chimchar finish this off with a Flame Wheel attack.”

Chimchar got up, and charged forward on all fours towards Machop, surrounded again by fire, but blazing red not blue. The Machop was thrown backwards as the blow of the attack combined with the burn loss.

“This is my chance,” I shouted, as I pulled out a Pokeball out of my bag, and threw it at Machop, which opened, engulfed Machop’s red silhoutte and dropped to the ground, where it started shaking to and fro.

And then at that very moment, my eyes fell on the nearly-unconscious Lotad, stirring feebly, and at once a feeling of utmost shame spread through me.

How could I have forgotten about it, when it needed me badly? And without knowing why I was doing so, I threw another ball at the Lotad, which too was engulfed into the ball, which started shaking like the other one …
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Last edited by Iridium; 05-30-2008 at 02:09 PM.
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  #2  
Old 05-30-2008, 02:12 PM
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Default Re: Machop to the Rescue

Ready for Grading

Pokemon Wanted: Machop, Lotad
Characters: 13,935
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  #3  
Old 05-31-2008, 08:19 AM
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Default Re: Machop to the Rescue

I'll grade this for you x]
Introduction/Plot: Frank, on the morning of his tenth birthday has a dream that he's battling, but it was just from a nasty fall he must of had in bed. He awakens and his mom reminds him what day it is today, he gets all excited, washes up then goes down to dad's lab. He goes there, only to find four Pokéballs, he picks Chimchar. His dad gives him some supplies and a rucksack, then he sets off. He runs into a Rattata, but then hears horrible screeching. It was two bullies hurting a Lotad. There two Geodude's managed to hurt it really bad. Frank stepped in and tried to stop it, and then had a Machop save him. The Machop wants to join the team, but they battle first. Then Frank throws the Pokéball's for Machop and Lotad.

I'll say it wasn't the most original plot there was, but you added a nice twist or two in it. Instead of the boring 'kid walks into a forest' thing, at the start you showed us the battle, and then as we read on, it was just a dream. I would have liked to see a little more description for Frank's character though. His personality was rather dull aswell, he is like every young character I read about. Peppy, happy, and knows everything about Pokémon. I mean, you could maybe show him being nervous or something like that. Maybe adding some background to him so he's not so flat.

I also liked how instead of just running into Machop and Lotad, Frank saved Lotad, while Machop helped Frank. But I had a question about that; why did he help Frank? I mean, Pokémon don't just decide to jump in and save the day. Machop knew the bullies from before, right? Maybe you could of given us a quick flashback or something. And you could have made Machop help Frank because he wanted to get back at the bullies or something? If you think out your plot's hard, and give them a lot of thought, they can turn out to be really good. Just remember that reading books, watching movies and anime can give you great idea's.

Length: Fine here, just remember that elaborating on the plot and describing everything can really do wonders for you here.

Grammar/Spelling: You did pretty well here, but I found an awful lot of typos and badly worded sentences. Remember to put your story in Microsoft word, or an online spellchecker before posting. Or even do a proofread yourself, because sometimes spellcheckers don't catch out all the mistakes that you make. I'll point out some of the mistakes that I saw though.

Quote:
Crobat opened its mouth wide and spat out a large blob of Drakness towards the crystal blue Steel type.
This was a typo, just near the start. 'Drakness' to my knowledge is 'darkness', amirite?

Quote:
She was dressed in a pink gown, and suddenly it all came back to me,
'Me' shouldn't have a comma beside it, it should have a semi-colon. (;)

Quote:
It was a dream, it all fits in now
I just think this was worded wrong, maybe try changing the second 'it' for 'that' or 'this'.

Quote:
And of course, some money to buy suppolies.
Never start a sentence, maybe 'Oh, and of course ---'. I also believe that 'suppolies' is a typo; and should be 'supplies'.

Quote:
“Get out of here,” I repeted
I think 'repeted' should be 'repeated'.

Well, those were the most critical of the mistakes you made, and were the only ones worth mentioning, so well done with that. ^^

Description/Detail: I certainly had mixed feelings about this. I mean in the battle you couldn't stop describing, and when it came to the characters and surroundings it didn't seem like you cared. You gave some weak descriptions for the lab, items, and Frank's mother's apron. But that's not really enough when you look at the standards for a Machop and Lotad. If you use more descriptive words, your description will become a lot more effective towards the readers. Describing is like painting a picture, you don't want to mess it up or miss any spots. Remember even adding brief descriptions like 'lush grass', 'tall fields', 'dewy grasslands' etc. Can all make a different when your describing.

I was glad that you gave the Pokémon some description though, Chimchar got his fair share of 'orange monkey' and stuff. As did Machop, but you need to go deeper and put more depth into your description. It's really blunt using default colors to describe, maybe 'fiery orange monkey' or something. Just to bring the description to the next level.

The one person you left out, who needs the most description was Frank. The main character, we didn't see really any description for him at all, did we? Remember to tell us what clothes he was wearing, his interests, what color hair, skin color and general expressions that he makes. Your description was sort of mixed up with it being good in places then dropping down to being very blunt at times.

Battle: This was by far your best category, the battles were two-sided and were very well described. The attacks and everything, as well as the Pokémon competing in them. Just remember to get really creative with these, and even try and use the surroundings to help you. For instance, Chimchar is a monkey. Why couldn't it climb into a tree and pounce on one of the Geodude or something, it's realistic and very smart. Machop also has a huge movepool, so maybe using some more of the variety of moves it has. Also, maybe Lotad could have joined in on the battle, it did have a while to regain some health, and there's the fact that the Pokémon you want to capture must be in a/the battle somehow.

Realism: Meh, you were fine here. The only instance that I wasn't happy with was when Frank suddenly knew all of Machop and Chimchar's moves. Maybe he could of struggled to remember a move and got nervous, because he's acting like a master already and it's only his first battle. Things like that can kill a story, because it just ruins the suspense.

Outcome: Yes, my longest story ever graded xP This was borderline for me, the descriptions in the battle and the battle itself was great. But I feel that the plot and descriptions let you down a lot. Machop captured & Lotad not captured! Sorry, if you describe Frank, other characters and the surroundings, you can have the little lilypad. ^^
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Last edited by Limelight; 05-31-2008 at 08:50 AM.
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Old 05-31-2008, 01:10 PM
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Default Re: Machop to the Rescue

Thanks a lot for the grade, and to tell you the truth I never expected to capture Lotad. I just added it in the end as I had length for both of them

Quote:
Originally Posted by Limelight View Post
I'll grade this for you x]
Description/Detail:

The one person you left out, who needs the most description was Frank. The main character, we didn't see really any description for him at all, did we? Remember to tell us what clothes he was wearing, his interests, what color hair, skin color and general expressions that he makes. Your description was sort of mixed up with it being good in places then dropping down to being very blunt at times.
I've just got a question concerning this. I find it really difficult to describe my character, because all of my stories are in the first person, and it seems odd to describe myself, you see. Any suggestion how I can do this? ^^
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Old 05-31-2008, 02:52 PM
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Default Re: Machop to the Rescue

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pokelord01 View Post
Thanks a lot for the grade, and to tell you the truth I never expected to capture Lotad. I just added it in the end as I had length for both of them



I've just got a question concerning this. I find it really difficult to describe my character, because all of my stories are in the first person, and it seems odd to describe myself, you see. Any suggestion how I can do this? ^^

No problem for the grade. For the description, take the start for example; you apparently must have rushed out the door washed, but in pyjama's (sp?). So maybe you could make a scene where he throws clothes on him. Therefore describing what he's throwing on him. It doesn't have to be drawn out a lot, just a quick 'he threw on a -whatever-'. ^^
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Charizard: 899
Level100: 1091
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