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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 05-20-2007, 06:00 PM
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Default Bugging Out 4: Are You Gonna' Eat Your Tater-Kricketots?

Information: Pokemon to catch - Kricketot, Length - around 9,000 characters with spaces.

Bugging Out 4: Are You Gonna' Eat Your Tater-Kricketots?

Ronald gazed at the giant building that stood before him as he walked to the two glass doors that marked the front entrance. A cold raindrop grazed his cheek and he repositioned his navy blue umbrella to cover the unprotected area. His mother waved a goodbye to him as he drew closer to the sand-colored pillars that were the start of a long covered walkway to the front door before pulling away in her Mercedes Benz.

"Well, I guess that the "Hearthome City Academy" is better than it sounds, hm?" He said to himself. He glanced at his Fossil watch and was irritated by the fact that the rain had formed a small puddle over its face as soon as he lifted it up to look at it. He shook his head and his naturally spiky brown hair waved in unison. His black boots created a soft "thump-thump" sound on the now-dry cobblestone pavement as he shook the water off of his umbrella and placed it into his blue backpack.

"Hm? What's this...?" Ronald said, glancing into the backpack at what seemed to be a small black box. "Oh right, my trading cards! I guess I forgot to take them out of my backpack on the long trip here..." He quickly zipped up his backpack and slung it over his shoulder and winced when his black shirt nearly choked him from the downward pull of the backpack. He put his other arm through his backpack's strap as he pushed the glass door's cool metal handle and wiped his feet on the elaborate welcome mat that had a Pokeball insignia woven into it. The brown-eyed boy noted with dismay that the bottom of his blue jeans were dripping onto the stone floor.

"Hello there! You must be the new student hm? Is it OK if I call you Ronald, Ronald?" An elderly woman cheerily said as she stood up from a wooden bench on the side of the room. She smoothed out her black skirt and her black jacket that covered a white blouse before walking over to where Ronald stood dumbfounded at how he hadn't noticed her. "By the way, I'm Mrs. Apodia. I have a daughter that loves to participate in contests, though I sometimes wish that she had chosen to help me here. I'm the vice principal of this academy, as you may or may not know.

"S-sure, Mrs. Apodia, you can call me Ronald. Yeah, I'm the new student here." Ronald said, embarrassed. "So... you're going to give me a tour around this school right?"

"That is correct, Ronald. Follow me, please." The vice principal said, walking through the school's marble halls at a brisk pace that is unexpected of someone her age. She pointed to a glass case on her right side. "This is our academy's trophy case- where we display our academy's greatest triumphs and talents. I personally think that it's very interesting how we have won the national challenge of having the best school three times in a row." Her follower nodded absentmindedly, as he thought about his past home. As he dully followed Mrs. Apodia on her tour of the academy, a golden flash of movement in the corner of his eye snapped him out of his reminiscing.

"Mrs. Apodia...?" The boy asked, gaining his tour leader's attention.

"Yes, Ronald? Is something the matter?" She said, staring intently at Ronald.

"Well... yeah. You see, I think I just saw something moving in the corner of my eye. I think it would be a good idea to keep a close watch of where we're going in case if it's dangerous." Ronald said, searching the hallway for their stalker.

"Oh!" The elderly woman said, her diamond earrings sparkling in the fluorescent lighting. "It's more than likely just a Kricketot. They sometimes huddle by the building or even come into the building for warmth during the rain. Don't worry, they're perfectly harmless; they can only learn Bide, so they won't try to harm you unless if you attack them first."

"Well, the thing is, Kricketot are red, right?" Ronald said nervously. Mrs. Apodia nodded, and prepared to speak before being interrupted. "Well, it was gold, I swear!"

"A golden Pokemon hm?" The lady thought, her brown eyes closing as she pondered the situation. "Oh dear! I think that there may be a shiny Kricketot on this academy's premises! That's remarkable, isn't it?" Ronald smiled excitedly as he grabbed a Pokeball from his belt. She quickly held her hands up and shook her head. "Oh heavens no! Don't battle it in the hallway! If we move at a fast pace, we can make it to the nearest battling practice room, all right? Then we can just wait for it as it'll most likely follow us there! Oh dear, I haven't had this much excitement in ages!" They walked double-time for a minute, until Mrs. Apodia stopped and quickly pushed a metal door open.

Ronald gasped as he stepped into the large room- it was as big as a gymnasium back at his old school, yet she had said this was the closest one. Nevertheless, he pulled his Pokeball off of his belt and pressed the tiny silver button on the red-and-white ball. A small yellow worm with a red nose and red feet and a grey horn on its forehead and tail emerged from the flash of red light that instantly spewed from the open Pokeball.

"Weedle, wee!" It cried, spinning in circles on the short grass. Mrs. Apodia was shocked, but smiled when she saw that Ronald's only Pokemon was just a Weedle.

"You have pretty good taste, Ronald." The smiling woman said. "I remember when my daughter caught her own Combee in Floaroma when she was just 10. Nowadays, she likes to have her Beequeen participate in contests with her. Once again, I wish that my daughter could have been my assistant here at this academy and maybe help the students with battling exercises like I often do with my Beedrill."

"So you started out with a Weedle too?" The stunned boy asked before returning his gaze to the open door.

"Yes, Ronald, but I received my Weedle when the Daycare Center was having a sort of egg adoption day for all of the unclaimed eggs they have. It just turns out that my egg had a Weedle in it, but nevertheless I was overjoyed. I used to practice battling in the flowering meadows of Floaroma town when I was younger, until my Weedle evolved into a-" Mrs. Apodia said. Relaxing into her speaking state until Ronald forced her out with a snap of his fingers. He pointed at the waiting Kricketot by the door that was tapping its foot in a steady rhythm.

"Weedle! Start this battle off with a String Shot!" Ronald shouted, pointing at the challenger. Weedle spewed a thin silver string continuously from its nose at the conductor-like bug, only to find that it was making a steadily increasing sound that was similar to a xylophone. Weedle flinched before the string even reached the noise-maker and as a result its attack fell short of its target. The Kricketot smirked and tackled the orange worm with a surprising strength. Weedle flew backwards and landed in an artificial pond in the field, but it quickly managed to crawl out of it and retaliate with a Poison Sting attack. The Kricketot cried out as the thin needle pierced its exoskeleton and it limped about before making a strange face and shining with a white light.

"Err... is that thing constipated?" The Weedle's trainer asked, pointing at the now-glowing Kricketot.

"Of course not!" Mrs. Apodia screamed. "It's merely using its Bide attack! Have some decency, please!" Ronald quickly looked away from her and rolled his eyes before starting to order his Weedle to use Poison Sting again when she interrupted again. "Ronald, Bide is an attack where the user absorbs damage in order to return the amount of damage done back to its attacker. I believe that you should just try to reduce the Kricketot's mobility with String Shot during this time. I also have noticed that it's poisoned, so you should probably stay away from attacking it for the remainder of the battle so the poison can make it faint, OK?" Ronald nodded, and quickly whispered the strategy to the soaking-wet Weedle that was crawling over to him.

"Now Weedle, use String Shot!" Ronald exclaimed, now pulling out a completely white Pokeball with a small red band in the center. His right hand clenched the Premier Ball in anticipation of its use as he steadily watched the combat. The horned worm wrapped the Kricketot with a silver string that stuck to the ground and tethered the focused orange bug to the ground. The String Shot-covered maestro seemed to explode with a weak shock wave of energy that barely made the ground tremble, but caught its opponent off-guard.

"OK Weedle, let's finish this off with a final Poison Sting, OK?" Ronald quickly said while recovering his balance from the Bide attack. Weedle quickly fired a slim needle at the Kricketot, which was collapsed on the ground, from its forehead horn. The Kricketot instantly fainted, giving a weak xylophone cry that seemed to be its swan's song.

"All right! Good job Weedle, return!" Ronald cheered, grabbing its Pokeball with his right hand. Weedle gave a small cheer and was sucked into a sudden flash of red light. "Premier Ball, go!"

"One... two... three..."
Ronald and Mrs. Apodia thought in unison.
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Last edited by gun6; 05-21-2007 at 10:38 PM.
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  #2  
Old 05-24-2007, 02:09 PM
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Default Re: Bugging Out 4: Are You Gonna' Eat Your Tater-Kricketots?

To help me feel better about my laziness in grading lately, I'm doing this one. :P

Expect a grade here by today or tomorrow.

Story: This was kind of a look and catch story with a very different setting. Even though it wasn't amazingly inventive, it works well for the Tater-Kricketot. Pass!

Grammar: Hm...it's obvious that this story has fairly good grammar. However, there were still a few things I noted...
Quote:
"S-sure, Mrs. Apodia, you can call me Ronald. Yeah, I'm the new student here." Ronald said, embarrassed.
The period at the end of the sentence should be a comma, because "Ronald said, embarrassed" is a sentence fragment by itself. Thus, it must be connected to the quote. Keep in mind that no comma is needed when the quote is an exclamation or question; the period is the only thing that should be changed. Now, had you said this instead...
Quote:
"S-sure, Mrs. Apodia, you can call me Ronald. Yeah, I'm the new student here." Ronald glanced down at the stone floors, embarrassed.
As you can see, the quote now has a period because the sentence following it can work all by itself. One more thing: in a continuation of the quote, anything non-proper next to the quote must be lowercased. I hope all that made some sense. xP
Quote:
Mrs. Apodia said. Relaxing into her speaking state until Ronald forced her out with a snap of his fingers.
Huston, we have a fragment. There's no subject of who's relaxing in that sentence. This should have been connected to the previous sentence like so...
Quote:
Mrs. Apodia said, relaxing into her speaking state until Ronald forced her out with a snap of his fingers.
These are things you may need to work on, but they're not major enough to keep you from an easy Pokemon like Tatertot. Pass!

Detail: No gripes here. You described nearly everything in great detail, something that pleases a grader like me. However, the Cricketot didn't get much description. Meh, whatever. Pass!

Battle: Um...short. Cricketot went down with two Poison Stings and a could String Shots. It didn't really seem fair, considering that Weedle only a little stronger than it. I can let it go this time, but try and remember that the Pokemon is a little more durable than that. Barely Pass.

EDIT: I understand your point, but bah, it was really the fact that it was a Weedle that struck it down in two hits that made me raise an eyebrow. I mean, Weedles are...Weakles. xP But, yes, I can understand the STAB and super-effectiveness and all.

Outcome: 4 passes equals a Captured Shiny Tatertot! Remember to flesh out the battle a bit more next time, but anyone can see you have great skill in writing. ^^
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Last edited by Larvinator; 05-25-2007 at 01:48 AM.
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  #3  
Old 05-25-2007, 01:42 AM
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Default Re: Bugging Out 4: Are You Gonna' Eat Your Tater-Kricketots?

Thanks. :p

About (She said. Relaxing into her...)... yeah. I think Microsoft Word changed that, because I distinctly remember putting a comma there. :/

And the Kricketot was poisoned by the first Poison Sting, and was worn down during the Bide attack by it. That's around 30% of its HP, I should think. Not to mention that Poison Sting has STAB and super-effectiveness. ;/
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