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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #16  
Old 10-31-2008, 08:13 PM
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Default Re: Staring Death In The Face {PG 13}



A Growling Tail


Adam inched forward and bent down and grabbed the Pokeball. Adam leapt for joy . He shook his brown hair in the sun light. His blue eyes looked up in the sky, then they were attracted to Horsea. Suddenly Horsea became sucked up by a white light and started glowing. Adam stared, and his jaw dropped. He jumped up for joy as Horsea suddenly grew bigger, after a few seconds of joy the white light had faded away, Adam stared in disbelief and inched closer. All the light had disappeared and it left a new Pokemon.

It was twice the size of Horsea and had a long beak. Its wings were sharp and poisonous looking and it also looked very fast in rain. It had large scales and turned to face Adam. It had a serious look and it too edged forward slowly. Suddenly a smile came across both faces and they jumped towards each other and Adam wrapped his hands around the Seahorse Pokemon, being careful to miss it’s spikes. Adam slowly stopped hugging the Sea Horse Pokemon and grabbed his Pokedex from his back pocket and scanned it.

"Seadra, it is a Pokemon capable of swimming backwards by rapidly flapping its wing-like pectoral fins and stout tail. Touching the back fin causes numbness. It hooks its tail to coral to stay in place while sleeping. A clever Pokémon that can swim backwards while facing forward. Fainting may result from a jab of its sharp spikes. An examination of its cell revealed the presence of a gene not found in Horsea. It became a hot topic. Its fin tips leak poison. Its fins and bones are highly valued as ingredients in herbal medicine. The male raises the young. If it is approached, it uses its toxic spikes to fend off the intruder. An examination of its cell revealed the presence of a gene not found in Horsea."

Adam pondered and then chuckled as he returned Seadra into its ball.

“Good job Hors- I mean Seadra” Adam said in confusion.

Adam dug into his pocket and grabbed a pair of gloves and put them onto his cold and pale hands.

“Wow it’s suddenly turned cold” Adam said feeling cold.

After being paused for a few seconds Adam carried on going through the path to Hoenn to find Jeff.
Adam shuffled down the cold path leading to Hoenn. He felt the weather shift in seconds and he looked up, the sun had disappeared, he felt like he was standing there with Seadra for hours, but he knew he hadn’t.

Adam suddenly stopped, he could hear panting and somebody was running forward. Adam turned around and he saw a man in a cloak running closer to Adam every second. Adam stared like he had remembered him before, like he knew that person. Adam stopped and edged closer every second, the man was coming closer fast, very fast like he had a Houndoom chasing him. Then when he was almost twenty meters Adam suddenly recognized him, he was the man who had attacked him and stolen his Drifloon. Adam charged at him accelerating as fast as he could, as he got into a low body position. Milliseconds later at about the half way mark Adam had contact with the man and before the man could do anything Adam smashed his shoulder into his waist and tackled him down. He fell with the man and started rolling over so he was on top of him and held his hands around his neck, he could see the face clearly now. He could see the evil eyes and the crooked chin, and the un mistakable scar on his right cheek. He was also wearing the same cloak that he had attacked Adam with.

Adam tightened his grip on his neck and shouted “You f*****g son of a b****.”

Adam lifted his hand and curled it up into a fist in a split second. He stared at the guy in anger for a few seconds, letting his fury build and tightening his hold on the guy. Then his hand shot forward and it smashed towards the mans face. It came into contact with it’s nose, and squashed it almost flattening it in one blow. Adam returned his hand to his previous position and punched again, harder and towards the left into his eye. He pulled his hand out, leaving a black circle in his left eye.

“Feel the pain yet?” He said angrily.

Adam smacked him with another punch, as he squealed and groaned from Adam’s hits. Adam looked at the state of him and gave him a punch to the cheek and knocked him out unconscious. Adam got up and dusted his shirt as he got up.

“You shouldn’t have done it, you shouldn’t have done it” Adam said shaking his head in disgust.

Adam got up and was about to turn around when he remembered.

“You still have my Drifloon.”

Adam knelt down gently and pulled his cloak up to reveal, black trousers and a brown Pokemon belt. He saw three Poke balls strapped tightly on his belt. Adam looked for the clearly marked Ultra Ball, but there was non there at all. Adam slapped the man repeatedly trying to get him to wake up and he did. He never was knocked out he only pretended to be so he could sneak up on Adam.

The man flung Adam over to the floor with his legs and grabbed a pen knife with his back pocket.

“Oh little boy, you will feel much more pain than I felt, much more,” he said scarily.

He pointed his knife at Adam and drew closer towards him. He looked at him with his beady little eyes which were circled by two black rings and a scar leading from his right eye to his crooked chin.

"Master Harrison will be so proud of me, when I kill you and steal all of your Pokemon," he said with joy

Adam got up carefully keeping an eye on the deranged psychopath that wanted to kill him. Adam shuffled backwards, by brushing his backside across the floor and slowly heightening. He kept close attention to the man as he too was coming closer.

“Why are you doing this?” Adam said softly.

“I want your money, Pokemon and I want revenge!” he said in a low voice.

While he was talking Adam found his chance to get up but jumped backwards to dodge the swish of the small, yet sharp and deadly knife. The man stabbed the knife towards Adam, narrowly cutting Adams shirt and his left shoulder.

“I am so going to get you” Adam shouted in rage.

Adam ran towards him and slid down to the floor and kicked him to make him fall over in one fast movement. The scarred man fell shoulder first onto the hard ground path. Adam got his chance to get up while the man was still in pain. Adam dashed towards him, and grabbed the knife that lay motionless next to his opened hand. Adam picked it up and lifted it to his head height, ready, looking like he was about to shoot a spear. A rain drop of sweat dripped down from his forehead, and dripped down towards his chin, as he slowly let his arm fall towards the scarred mans head. Then a centimeter away, Adam stopped. He had realized what he had been doing.

“What am I doing” He said to himself.

“I’m taking your life, because I have a grudge against you” Adam said staring at the man.

Adam glanced at the knife and threw it towards the trees that were around the path. He got up and left him, Adam knew he would get no answers about his Drifloon. Adam jumped up and walked away. He knew he could have killed him but he didn’t.

Every few minutes Adam would look behind him, maybe to see the man again, but he knew he wouldn’t not after the last time they met.

Finally after a few hours of walking through the path, he had managed to make it to Olivine city. Adam stood at the hill that loomed over the city. Adam ran down trying to control his joy and his speed, but both were uncontrollable and he landed side ways with, dust and rips all over his clothes.

“I’m finally here, this will take me to Hoenn” he said happily.


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[URPG] [VPP] [Knights of the Round Table] [ASB]

“For ten years I chased Suicune, and I finally got to see it. I'm all choked up!”

Last edited by Gold Rush; 11-08-2008 at 03:40 PM.
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  #17  
Old 11-08-2008, 05:56 PM
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Default Re: Staring Death In The Face {PG 13}

Adam brushed the dust of with his hands and ran towards the Pokemon center to get his Pokemon healed, when he battled Machop.

“Nurse Joy, may I get my Pokemon healed please,” Adam said in a soft tone.

“Of course my young friend,” Nurse Joy Replied kindly

Adam handed the balls to Nurse Joy and she gently took it out of his hand and put them on a rack with Pokeball holes. The rack was then taken to a machine, then the balls were returned to Adam.

Adam slotted the balls onto his Poke belt and left the Pokemon center. He looked right, and saw a small hotel, that looked cozy and comfy. Adam walked towards that with just rest in his head. Adam whistled with the thought of relaxing in a bed. Adam turned and faced the red door. Adam touched the door knob and was about to turn it when suddenly there was a huge scream.

“Aaaaaaaaaggggggrrrrrrrrhhhhhhh,” shouted a women’s voice.

“Help, somebody, help,” cried two kids in the same direction

Adam heard it immediately and ran towards the screams. Adam didn’t think as he ran across, the somewhat deserted city. He took a sharp turn and saw what he was facing. It was a house, ordinary like most but It was on fire. He still heard the screams from inside. The fire wasn’t bad but it would be in a few minutes.

“Go Seadra” Adam ordered

Seadra popped out of it’s red and white ball and started at what was in front of it.

“Seadra, you know what to do, use Hydro Pump and make me a path so I can get to the people,” Adam said concentrating and ready.

Two large beams of water came shooting out of Seadra’s mouth like a cannon ball. The two beams of water smacked the fire hard and extinguished everything in it’s path until it smashed through a door and hit the wall. Adam saw his opportunity to get into the house so he ran in without knowing what he was getting into. Adam looked left to right and saw there wasn’t a lot of fire in the house.

“Seadra, come in and clear the stairs for me,” Adam ordered

Seadra hopped in and shot a smaller beam of water extinguishing the fire in the stairs.

Adam ran up the stairs and shouted “Hello, where are you.”

Adam waited for a reply and after a few seconds he heard two small kids reply “Help, Help, we are in the room with the white door.”

Adam looked around for the room with the white door and soon enough he had managed to find it. Adam, didn’t see much of a fire in front of the door so he rammed through the door and found the two kids and the women he was looking for.

He quickly evacuated them from their house as the fire was slowly getting bigger. As he was getting them down the stairs, he thought what had caused this. Adam hurried them out of the house and asked them to call the fire department.

Adam stood proud as Seadra was using his Water guns and Hydro Pumps to keep the fire at bay. Then Adam heard growling in the house, like something from a dog. He took a quick glance at the people that were living in the house and ran into the house.

“Seadra, come in with me,” Adam asked.

Seadra followed unquestionably, into the house with Adam but Seadra was still keeping the fire down, but it wasn’t very bad at all. Adam turned into what he thought used to be the living room and saw a Pokemon in there. He knew it was a fire Pokemon and he expected it to have caused this.

The Pokemon looked at Adam and started running towards him. At closer examination Adam noticed it was a Growlithe and he felt the urge to catch it.

“This is going to be easy, I’ll just use Seadra,” Adam whispered.

Seadra’s amazing ears heard, and he came running towards Adam. Seadra, lets win this quickly but Growlithe was a clever Pokemon and used a Flame Wheel on the wall beside him. This caused a fire over there and Seadra had to handle it. Adam knew Growlithe could do this faster than Seadra.

“Seadra, you stay out of this one, take care of the fire until the Fire Fighters come,” Adam ordered.

“Ok, I’ll try something else, Go Machop use Karate Chop,” Adam roared.

Machop ran towards the small, striped dog and smacked his hand round his back the his other hand on Growlithe’s chest but only milliseconds after Machop had made contact with his second hit Growlithe opened his mouth and shot a wheel of fire that sent Machop back to Adam with a burn. Machop made contact with Adam and the hit’s power carried them both to the wall behind them.

Adam got up slowly and saw Growlithe looking at Adam evilly, but then he had disappeared and re-appeared running at a extreme speed to make contact with Machop doing even more damage.

Adam picked Machop up and placed him down so he could stand and fight. Adam knew he couldn’t do as much damage as before because of his burn and he would be slowly losing his health.

“Machop, I know this might be a bit tough but I need you to use Dynamic Punch and then a Cross Chop,” Adam asked softly.

Machop ran towards Growlithe with the intentions of attacking it, first it used a Dynamic Punch which Growlithe dodged with simplicity and bit Machop with a bite that did very little damage to it’s tough skin. Now it was close enough Machop got it’s arms ready by Crossing it’s hands together and chopping it hard against the small and brittle dog. After the dog had stopped moving it ran towards Machop and used Take Down attack. It smacked Machop’s chest shoulder first and carried on going until they hit one of the walls and left Machop in pain.

“Machop, get up quickly and use Wake-Up Slap,” Adam ordered.

Machop sat motionless for a few seconds then slowly got up, being slowed down, by it’s burn, Adam knew it was getting weaker every turn. Adam took a glance at Growlithe as it was about to make another move. It ran at rocket speed and attacked before Machop could use his move, even though it was the slower Pokemon it attacked before Machop could and hit him with more Extreme speed. Then Machop found it’s chance and a split second after the hit Machop repeatedly slapped Growlithe as hard as it could and Growlithe was flung across the room where Seadra, was trying to clear the fire. Adam turned his attention to Machop as he fainted because of the pain from the burn. Adam returned Machop and there was a huge grin on Growlithe’s face. Growlithe ran towards Adam ready to hurt him. He was running fast and leapt to hit him where it would hurt but a blue beam of water had come from Seadra and hit the fire dog before Growlithe could touch Adam.

“Thanks, Seadra, I know you have been doing a lot of work, and you must be tired so return,” Adam said smiling.

“Go Houndour,” Adam said chuckling.

“Houndour use Crunch then use Beat Up” Adam ordered

Houndour ran towards the other fire dog and Crunched it’s flesh with it’s sharp teeth, then Houndour punched it repeatedly, acting like a bully in school. Growlithe wasn’t going to take any of this and he too took a bite into Houndour’s flesh.

“Houndour, it’s looking weak, lets finish it with a Crunch” Adam said with a grin

Houndour chuckled evilly and ran towards the smaller striped dog and Bit into it’s red and black fur and crunched it leaving lots of pain on Growlithe. Then Growlithe bit into Houndour and ejected a electric pulse through it’s teeth and hurt Houndour.

Houndour ran back towards Adam as Growlithe fell from his attack and he was nearly out of health. Adam saw this as his only opportunity.

“Go Pokeball,” Adam shouted.

Adam looked as the Pokeball sucked up the Pokemon on the floor and wiggled once, wiggled twice.........


__________________

[URPG] [VPP] [Knights of the Round Table] [ASB]

“For ten years I chased Suicune, and I finally got to see it. I'm all choked up!”

Last edited by Gold Rush; 11-08-2008 at 07:02 PM.
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  #18  
Old 11-08-2008, 07:05 PM
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Default Re: Staring Death In The Face {PG 13}

I have done my Growlithe Story
Pokemon: Growlithe
Status : Ready
Charecters : 15116
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“For ten years I chased Suicune, and I finally got to see it. I'm all choked up!”
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  #19  
Old 11-10-2008, 04:15 AM
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Default Re: Staring Death In The Face {PG 13}

Well, this took me a bit because I read your other stories and grades to get a feel of how you've been doing for this.

Introduction

I got a little lost here until I scrolled up. Yeah.

Considering this is a chaptered thing, while it is okay to continue straight from the previous story, doing a little recap is good for new readers (in this case, new graders xP). Anyway, I know what Adam's hair and eye colour is, but I don't know how tall or how short he is. I know where he is, what he is doing and has been doing, but I don't know what he is going to do. Fine. Some introductions are made for the reader to expect the unexpected, and I'm guessing that's probably what you're trying to do here since a lot of rather nutty things happen after that.

Your introduction is fine. Pwass.

Plot

Let's start from the top.

In your PokeDex entry, there are a large amount of repeated facts. Next time if you use a PokeDex entry, streamline it on your own by removing things that are repeated, such as 'a gene that is not found in Horsea'.

You had me confused about where Adam is. Hoenn has no land link to other regions, so how could there be a road to Hoenn? It was only later on then you told me that he's going to Olivine to take a ship.

Okay, so Adam and this thieving (censored) start brawling. You had me confused before that as well. If the man is running towards Adam, then he would have seen Adam. Thus when Adam ran towards him, he would have noticed as well. Then why is it so easy for Adam to knock him over? Surely he would have noticed Adam's low running stance. Considering that the thief succeeded last story by skill and not by chance, it is highly unlikely that he would be so... daft. Work on it.

And then there's this:

Quote:
A rain drop of sweat dripped down from his forehead, and dripped down towards his chin, as he slowly let his arm fall towards the scarred mans head. Then a centimeter away, Adam stopped. He had realized what he had been doing.

“What am I doing” He said to himself.

“I’m taking your life, because I have a grudge against you” Adam said staring at the man.
I'm seriously not getting you here. @_@ He's about to kill a man, then he stops, then he says that he's taking the man's life, but he doesn't and walks off. You probably need to rephrase this.

Is it just me, or is there at least one person screaming every story? xP

The rest is okay. The fight with the thief seemed really filler-ish though, like you just wanted to add more characters to your story.

Pass.

Grammar/Spelling

Your errors are mostly the same as last time! >:( While capitalisation is mostly gone, you still have missing punctuation marks, especially in the vicinity of speeches. Have a look at this:

Quote:
“Go Seadra” Adam ordered
It should be "'Go Seadra!' Adam ordered."

Again, you frequently forget to have a punctuation mark at the end of your sentences.

And you're confusing its and it's again. Let's try this again.

its = 'his'/'her' for 'it' (i.e. Taco ate its own filling oh no.)
it's = It is. (i.e. It's burning!!! Aieeeee!)

Oh, and try not to use things like 'weren't' and 'wasn't' and whatnot outside of speech. If a character isn't talking, you have to spell it out. 'Weren't' becomes 'were not', 'wasn't' becomes 'was not', so on and so forth.

You get originality points for having someone scream 'Agggrh'. Although it sounds more like the person got his windpipe cut off. @_@ It's a good try.

Other than these, you have very few errors that are more a matter of preference than an absolute neccessity. Keep it up.

I can see you're making an effort to improve since you don't have random capitals any more. Now, you should try to work on your 2 other major problems :3

If you're trying to say the attack name Extremespeed, it should be Extremespeed. No spacing between Extreme and speed, and E in Extreme capitalised. Just like in this paragraph.

Pwash. Desu.

Length

Fiiine. It's only a Medium mon.

Detail

Well, everything was described pretty well except the random NPCs and Nurse Joy, even though we all know what Nurse Joy looks like. And you didn't really describe the house beyond ordinary like most. Well... what's ordinary? For some countryside person in China, ordinary could be pretty ramshackle. And you didn't really describe the fire.

It was fine, but it could have been better, but there's always room for improvement for everyone. :3

Battle

You seem to be trying to describe the battle instead of using attack names. Well done.

It's a rather interesting battle. I like how Growlithe set more of the house on fire so Seadra couldn't attack because it had to beat back fires. I still think Adam should have been thrown into a part of the wall where there was fire just to cause more chaos. l3

BTW Growlithe doesn't learn Extremespeed, only Arcanine does. Dx Try Agility boosted Take Downs or Flare Blitz.

Basically Growlithe got beaten up by three mons. Fair enough. Although I must say that Houndour is more than a match for Growlithe since Houndour packs Flash Fire and Dark-type to aid its Crunch.

Overall

It's a pretty good story overall. You just need to work on descriptions, your grammar errors >:( and your introduction/plot. Never, ever leave the dots for the reader to connect. Make sure everything is explained.

Outcome

Growlithe CAPTURED

See you around.

EDIT: Short Grade is short xP
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Last edited by Starkipraggy; 11-10-2008 at 04:29 AM.
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  #20  
Old 11-10-2008, 04:17 PM
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Default Re: Staring Death In The Face {PG 13}

Well thanks for the grade, and I'll make all of the stuff you mentioned :D

Thanks Starki for grading it :D
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“For ten years I chased Suicune, and I finally got to see it. I'm all choked up!”
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