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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 06-10-2007, 03:37 AM
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Default A Scorching Finale [Graded]

Pokemon Wanted: Elekid
Status: Graded
Characters: 10,180

~ A Scorching Finale ~

- Introduction -

A sweat drop trickled down Brent's face as he stepped onto the podium. He looked around the audience, and across the arena to his opponent. It was a girl, about fifteen, in a tight blouse and miniskirt. She wore bright colors and had an eager look on her face, grinning at the audience and then looking up to the announcer.

"And now for our finals, one of these two contestants will win the grand prize!"

His voice echoed through the stadium as the announcer began to narrate the battle, and the audience hushed to hear and see everything.

"For fifty thousand dollars and the rare Pokemon, Elekid, let's watch in awe as this final battle takes place!"'

- Round One -

His voice rose to introduce the applause that followed. Brent reached towards his belt and pulled out his Pokeball. Inside was one of his strongest Pokemon, but not his secret weapon. That's for later. After taking a deep breath he threw the Pokeball into the air and summoned the creature within.

"Go, Arcanine!"

A crimson light emerged from the Pokeball revealing a huge, wolf like creature. Its thick orange and tan fur ruffled and bounced as it ran around its half of the stadium, showing off its amazing speed. It stopped in front of its trainer, and let out a stream of fire from it's mouth, shooting it straight into the air. The stadium was filled with heat from the fierce Flamethrower. Arcanine then looked across at the other trainer and let out a growl. The girl hesitated, but then threw her own Pokeball into the ring.

"Show him how it's done, Ampharos!"

Another red light shot out, and there stood a yellow Pokemon with a long tail striped in black. An orb clung, shining bright, at the end. The Pokemon's body was surrounded by a yellow aura as it charged it's electricity, and shot its own rays of power into the sky. Striking a battling pose on one knee, and its arm in the air, it growled back at the Arcanine. Suddenly, the speakers burst into sound once more.

"This will be a 3 vs 3 battle, the first trainer to cause two of the opponent's Pokemon to faint is the winner. Starting off this battle are Arcanine and Ampharos, let's get this show on the road!"

Without wasting a moment, Brent's opponent called out her first move.

"Ampharos, use Thunder Punch!"

Ampharos put out its fist, and crouched down. Suddenly, its hands starting glowing yellow! Growling again, it charged toward Arcanine, holding out its electric fists.

"Arcanine, dodge it using Extreme Speed!"

At the last second, Arcanine bolted to the left of the charging Ampharos and ran at full speed towards the opposite end of the arena. Right before it hit the opposing trainer's podium, it made a sharp turn and headed straight for Ampharos. By now, it was going way too fast to dodge, and it hit Ampharos dead on.

"Phar!"

The Pokemon let out a cry of pain as it was tackled to the ground. Though it was weakened, it rose up once more. Arcanine was gasping for breath behind it, also weakened from running at such speeds.

"Hurry, Ampharos, use Thunder attack!"

While Arcanine was too tired to dodge, the Ampharos jumped high into the air. Its tail jutted out from its body, and the orb began to glow. Suddenly, fierce rays of bright electricity spiraled out from its tail, heading straight for Arcanine. Soon, Arcanine was glowing yellow and wincing in pain as it recieved the strong Thunder attack, and was left with one knee on the ground and greatly weakened.

"Finish it off with Power Gem, Ampharos!"

Before Arcanine had time to recover, it was struck by the powerful rocks shooting at it with great speed. Its remaining three legs gave way as the Pokemon collapsed, and Ampharos took the round.

- Round Two -


Ampharos grinned triumphantly as it was returned to its Pokeball, and Brent recalled his fainted Pokemon. He let out a sigh and grimaced as he sent out his next Pokemon. For the third time, a red and white sphere was thrown into the ring. From it emerged another red light, and another Pokemon. Gracefully yet slyly, a Nintales appeared and circled the ring, it's nine tales flowing around its behind.

Across the arena, Brent's opponent sent out her second Pokemon, Lopunny. It was a very feminine, curved Pokemon with brown fur. It batted its eyelashes and playfully tugged on the fluffy tan tips of its ears.

"Lopunny, unny!" It sang, looking over at Brent's Ninetales.

"Tales!" It purred, as it glared at its opponent.

The announcer introduced the next round to the suspenseful crowd, "Round one goes to Ampharos, and round two begins with Nintales and Lopunny facing off, can Brent regain a tie?"

"Lopunny, use Jump Kick!"

"Ninetales, run to the left to dodge it and use Flare Blitz!"

In the nick of time, Ninetales jolted to the left, causing Lopunny's attack to miss. As Lopunny grabbed its leg in pain from the rough landing, Ninetails reared back and shut its eyes tight in effort as it shot flames rapidly around its opponent. Lopunny was hit, and could barely raise itself up.

"Now, Ninetales, use Quick Attack!"

As Ninetales was about to land its attack, Lopunny quickly wrapped its ears around the smooth, tan body of its foe. Using the force of the Quick Attack to its advantage, it swung Ninetales over its head, rolled onto its back, and thrusted the Pokemon away with its feet. Ninetales flew to the other side of the stadium and landed with a loud thud.

"Use Bounce, Lopunny!"

"Quick, Flamethrower!"

Lopunny crouched down, then jumped high into the air. It was coming down on Ninetales rapidly, when Nintales leaned its head back and shot a stream of scorching fire upwards and directly at its opponent. Lopunny was sent backwards where it crashed into the middle of the arena.

"Punny..." It moaned as it tried to rise. It stood up, shaking, but then collapsed again.

"And this round goes to...Brent and his Ninetales!"

- Round Three -


Brent let out a sigh of relief to see that the score was even, but was still very tense knowing that this next round determined the winner. His hand clasped firmly around his remaining Pokemon, his secret weapon. Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, he sent out his strongest monster.

"Go, Moltres!"

A golden bird took to the sky, leaving a trail of glistening flame behind it. Its elegent form glided around the amazed arena, and its cry chimed beautifully through the stadium.

"Moltreeees!"

Brent's opponent gasped, and looked down uncertainly. She let out a moan and a sigh, and grabbed the Pokeball from her waste to release her next Pokemon. A Gardevoir soon appeared gracefully in the arena, and looked up at the flaming bird that now loomed over it.

"This final round will conclude our tournament with a show off between Gardevoir and Moltres! Who will win?"

"Moltres, use Sky Attack!"

The majestic bird shot into the air in a streak of flames, and began to fly towards its foe.

"Gardevoir, quick, use Double Team!"

Suddenly, there was an army of Gardvoir surrounding Moltres. It stopped charging and looked around hesitantly. Every one of the Gardevoirs was sneering at it, laughing to its face that it was stuck.

"Use Extrasensory, Moltres!"

Regaining its composure, Moltres closed its eyes and concentrated. Rolling purple waves radiated from its body. They got stronger and stronger, faster and brighter. They were almost unbearable to look at when suddenly, they stopped.

"Voir!"

The Gardevoirs combined into one, which now went down on one knee, its body twitching slightly.

"Hurry, Heat Wave!"

Moltres glowed dark orange, and then bright red. The waves of heat were so fierce that they were visible as the Gardevoir was cooked by the Heat Wave.

"Gardevoir, Psychic!"

The Gardevoir stood and put its arms out. Its body developed a blue aura, and then a ray of the blue light shot towards Moltres, enveloping it in the aura as well. Suddenly, the bird was flung backwards and slammed to the ground. It rose, shakily at first, but then it gracefully took flight and returned to the sky.

"Moltres, use Flame Thrower!"

The elegant bird opened its beak wide and spread its wings triumphantly. A jet of fire spiraled out towards Gardevoir, thrusting it backwards with the force of the flames. It crashed down and rose, wincing, to its feet.

"Flame Thrower again, Moltres!"

Another stream of fire shot from Moltres' beak towards the other Pokemon.

"Gardevoir, Teleport!"

A capsule of light surrounded Gardevoir, consuming the Pokemon. When the light had faded, the Pokemon had vanished.

"Charge Beam, now!"

From behind Moltres, Gardevoir put its hands together and shot its arms straight outward. Rays of electricity spewed from its fists and toward Moltres, surrounding it in an electric attack.

"Moltres! Tres, tres!" Shrieked Moltres as it was being violently shocked.

It was barely floating above the ground now, one eye closed in a wince. The Gardevoir was also panting, losing its grace to the pain from the battle. Both Pokemon were near collapsing, but both were also determined to be victorious. One last attack was called from both sides.

"Gardevoir, Shadow Ball!"

"Moltres, Sky Attack!"

Right as the Pokemon were preparing to make their moves, they both fell to the ground. Exhausted and weak from the battle, they had both fainted on the same turn.

"Well, this is quite a predicament," exclaimed the announcer. "None the less, we have our winner. Will the two final contestants please step forward?"

Brent glanced over at his opponent and watched her start her trek to the middle of the arena, and he began his walk as well. When they both reached the center, she recalled her Pokemon and Brent did the same.

"The winner of this tournament was chosen based on the skills shown in battle, and how well you battled overall. I have in my hands two Pokeballs. One contains an Elekid, one is empty. I shall give the one possessing a Elekid to the winner, here are your Pokeballs."

Brent's hand was shaking and sweaty as he caressed the Pokeball he now held. His opponent smiled, and looked down at the Pokeball she held.

"That was an interesting battle, but now let's see who is the real champion of this tournament."

She released the contents of the Pokeball...
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Last edited by Azumao; 06-23-2007 at 10:10 AM.
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  #2  
Old 06-20-2007, 11:27 PM
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Default Re: A Scorching Finale [Ready]

Hey, Azumao.

Story: Well, it's a Pokemon tournament... I can't exactly give you many points for originality, despite how well-written this was.

Despite this being a series of battles for a tournament, I have to say I still enjoyed it, even if the plot was somewhat typical. The actual battles were exciting, just enough details were used, and if this was your first story, it's a pretty impressive one. I guess my only complaint is the tournament set-up, and the fact this was really just three rounds of fighting. When it comes to stories here, especially if you are going for something rare, it's imperative that you try and stray from the 'traps' that some writers seem to get into - meaning that a story like this may work for something simple, but other than that, you will want to try and use more original premises in the future. I am sure that one could think of a tournament story and throw in something to make it slightly more original, but just to warn you, something of your own thinking will usually merit successful captures.

You seem capable of being able to do just that, so I hope to see more things from you down the road. In any case, I hope this doesn't sound discouraging. You can go ahead and write as you see fit, but keep in mind that the plot is one of the most important aspects of any story, and it just may affect your final outcome. :)

Spelling/Grammar: There weren't many errors, as you seem to be a natural at this.

Quote:
She let out a moan and a sigh, and grabbed the Pokeball from her waste to release her next Pokemon.
I think you mean 'waist'. Anyway, I don't think I saw anything else worth mentioning, so give yourself a cookie. Generally, most people seem to have problems with comma usage and the like, but you're very good with them, and I don't get to say that often - excellent work.

Length: Perfect for Elekid, so I don't get to yell at you.

Detail/Description: As I said earlier, you use just enough. I'm very impressed by this, overall. I'm able to see the action, you told us what the characters look like, and you make the Pokemon sound as mighty as they should be. This is just the right amount of effort I like to see, although I suppose I should pick out a thing or two that you can improve on if you go for anything rarer.

Quote:
"Gardevoir, Shadow Ball!"

"Moltres, Sky Attack!"
Well, the two battlers who own these Pokemon are in a tournament, so I imagine they are very tense. Maybe one of them has sweat tricking down their face, or something like that. You have a tendency to write dialogue like this without the reactions of the people saying them, and while that's not something you need to do constantly, it's something to think about from time to time, especially when one is in an environment like this. Who knows; someone reading this could just assume that the characters are shouting "Gardevoir, use so and so!" without any feeling at all, since you don't imply it.

Battles are tense, so you should show us that every now and then. :)

Quote:
"Gardevoir, use Shadow Ball!" the girl shouted, her voice coming out as a nervous squeak.
- This is a simple example I did on the spot, and although it's nothing too fancy, it sounds nice, doesn't it?

This was the only critique I could think of for you, but I hope it doesn't come across as too mean-spirited.

Battles: I listed my one complaint about them above, but I really liked this, and the battles were obviously the best part. You make the Pokemon and their attacks seem just cool, like they are supposed to be.

Quote:
It batted its eyelashes and playfully tugged on the fluffy tan tips of its ears.
... Perfect!

The idea of a regular trainer also owning Moltres seemed a bit weird to me, but it's not my story. With the exception being just the games, legendary Pokemon are supposed to be, well... legendary.

Outcome: Elekid Captured!
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Last edited by Seawolf; 06-21-2007 at 07:32 PM.
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  #3  
Old 06-23-2007, 10:11 AM
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Default Re: A Scorching Finale [Ready]

Wow, that really flattered me. ^^

I'll work on the things you mentioned, and sorry about the boring plotline. I was just trying to see where I stand technique-wise. Thank you for the capture, Megumi. :D
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