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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 06-24-2007, 10:49 AM
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Default Darkrai's Corruption and Destruction

This is my first Fan Fiction, so please bare with me on this... It probably won't be awesome...

But please comment!

I'll add more chapters soon... So that you'll have more to go on with your opinions!

A little on the short side, I know...

Prologue

“Since that epic war, 1000 years past,
As our powers clashed, the damage done was vast.
I controlled the Body; Mew controlled the Mind,
Whatever creature read this will make a shocking find.
For I am the legend; by the name of Darkrai,
I desire to be dominant, from the land up to the sky.
Shall a mortal recite, from my stone tomb I break free,
The being that repeats this curse, their kind shall no longer be,
For you awaken this legend, by the name of Darkrai,
We pursue the battle, Mew and I.
Your world shall perish under my watchful eye,
And now it’s time… For you to DIE!”

The translated words echoed in the tiny cavern. Flickering shadows were cast from the light on the trembling head on an explorer. Dust began to stir from the corners of the tomb.

“Who’s there?” demanded an incredibly anxious explorer. He stepped back out of fear, and knocked into something with his heel. He peered at the ground and nearly fainted. A human skull lay half crushed on the ground. Silence was still present, so when the cavern trembled, it startled the exploration team. Numerous boulders swiftly tumbled into the cramped room, seemingly from above.

“What the…” Another man began, but never got the opportunity to finish. The tiles above his head crumbled and a nearby pillar collapsed. The tiles hit his crown, sending a pulse along his nervous system, jolting his brain. Being dazed, he couldn’t avoid the crushing tower of stone above him. As it made contact, the sound of crunching bones was audible.

A great darkness fell over the room, followed by a silence.

“Your kind… Is not welcome…” a distant, eerie voice murmured. “To intrude upon my resting place… You WILL be punished! With my mind, and Mew’s body, you WILL be punished!”

A crumbling noise was heard, as the support pillars cracked and fell. The whole tomb came down upon the exploration team. Muffled screams were heard as was the sound of bones piercing through the skin. During this, a quiet laughter grew into a cackle.

“It has begun!”
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Last edited by Mitsuzo-kun; 06-24-2007 at 03:00 PM.
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  #2  
Old 06-24-2007, 06:39 PM
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Default Re: Darkrai's Corruption and Destruction

djax! I'm glad to see that you're writing finally!

You are right, it is a little on the short side. To lengthen it, I would suggest describing the cave a little more in the beginning. Sure, the prophecy does add a degree of interest (and it's so much better than mine ), but it would be so much more suspenseful if something were to build up to the moment of discovering the words.

For instance, is it deep underground, with tree roots piercing the walls and threatening to ensnare passerby? Is it above ground deep in a jungle, with Zubats fluttering blindly around and smelling of rotting plants? Is it on top of a snowy mountain, icicles dangling everywhere and the cold wind blasting through the entrance? This makes a big difference and helps set the mood.

And this explorer. Why is he (and his team, I assume, that could use some clarification) exploring this cave? Did he discover it on accident? Did someone else find it and send them to investigate? Again, more tension building on the element of "why."

Overall, I would definitely say that you would need to improve your description. Place your focus on the explorer and imagine what he is hearing, seeing, and feeling. How far ahead can he see? What does the air smell like? Is there any noticable lack of oxygen? All of this description would help.

Other than that, I'm impressed. Who says it can't be awesome? With some more description, I'm sure that more people would be hooked. I look forward to the next part. I'm just trying to help, I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, nothing personal.

~Darth
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  #3  
Old 06-24-2007, 06:57 PM
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Default Re: Darkrai's Corruption and Destruction

Thanks for reading it, Darth.

On the contrary, yours is much better! It flowed more than mine did...

Your description ideas are wonderful.

I totally agree with you on more description... Thanks for the ideas!

Hooked?

Don't make me laugh...

You honestly like it?

Thank you!

I'll take your praise and criticism on board!

Djax94

P.S I'll edit the Prologue later... Make it better!
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  #4  
Old 06-25-2007, 04:53 PM
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Default Re: Darkrai's Corruption and Destruction

Here's the Prologue, but edited to make it better!

Compare it to the first one and see what you think...

Prologue

“Since that epic war, 1000 years past,
As our powers clashed, the damage done was vast.
I controlled the Body; Mew controlled the Mind,
Whatever creature read this will make a shocking find.
For I am the legend; by the name of Darkrai,
I desire to be dominant, from the land up to the sky.
Shall a mortal recite, from my stone tomb I break free,
The being that repeats this curse, their kind shall no longer be,
For you awaken this legend, by the name of Darkrai,
We pursue the battle, Mew and I.
Your world shall perish under my watchful eye,
And now it’s time… For you to DIE!”

The translated words echoed in the tiny cavern. Flickering shadows were cast from the light on the trembling head on an explorer. Dust began to stir from the corners of the tomb. Surely these words must have been a trigger of something? The air surrounding them seemed to thin, the oxygen was slightly lacking. But not even ghosts, magic or even a silly old curse would steer them away from their goal... Their prize... But was it really worth it?

“Who’s there?” demanded an unusually anxious explorer. Now he asked himself the same question. All he could think of was his wife and children. Would he make it out alive? All he wanted was to hold them... Embrace them... He stepped back out of sadness and fear, and knocked into something with his heel. He peered at the ground and nearly fainted. A human skull lay half crushed on the ground. Silence was still present, so when the cavern trembled, it startled the exploration team. Numerous boulders swiftly tumbled into the cramped room, seemingly from above.

“What the…” Another man began, but never got the opportunity to finish. The tiles above his head crumbled and a nearby pillar collapsed. The tiles hit his crown, sending a pulse along his nervous system, jolting his brain. Being dazed, he couldn’t avoid the crushing tower of stone above him. As it made contact, the sickening sound of bones crunching against each other was audible.

The whole team now whimpered in a corner, some wishing themselves out of existence, and others wishing that they hadn't discovered this tomb. Why had they been digging on that day? Why not a few yards to the left? Why there? With a tear trickling down her face, the explorer nearest to the front dashed across the dry, cracked floor to try and rescue the crushed man. As she neared, she was stopped in her tracks by the unbearable smell of blood and organs. Withdrawing back to the huddle in the corner, she began whimpering once more.

A great darkness fell over the room, followed by a silence. Two crimson red eyes glowed through the gloominess.

“Your kind… Is not welcome…” a distant, eerie voice murmured. “To intrude upon my resting place… You WILL be punished! With my mind, and Mew’s body, you WILL be punished!”

A crumbling noise was heard, as the support pillars cracked and fell. The whole tomb came down upon the exploration team. Muffled screams were heard as was the sharp sound of bones piercing through the skin. The stench of blood and bodily fluid filled the chamber, replacing where the oxygen was. During this, a quiet laughter grew into a cackle.

“It has begun! The era of Darkness... Has begun!”
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  #5  
Old 06-25-2007, 04:59 PM
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Default Re: Darkrai's Corruption and Destruction

*Gasps* Yes!

The description is much improved from before. It is still a little short, but it does have potential. A little description goes a long way in setting the mood, and you've done that by showing the changes in the cave's environment. This is very much an improvement from the first time. Kudos for you.

~Darth
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  #6  
Old 06-25-2007, 05:05 PM
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Default Re: Darkrai's Corruption and Destruction

Yes!

Thanks, Darth!

I agree, it is still a bit short... But much better than before!

Thank you for being so encouraging... I've had someone tell me to scrap an idea, they were CONSTANTLY being rude and mean...

But, yeah.

You're a really good friend.

Djax94
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  #7  
Old 06-25-2007, 10:01 PM
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Default Re: Darkrai's Corruption and Destruction

That is very good Djax.
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  #8  
Old 06-26-2007, 07:10 AM
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Default Re: Darkrai's Corruption and Destruction

YAY! Thank you!

I have a fan...

I thought it was okay.

I'm working on the next chapter, should be here in a day or two!

Thanks,

Djax94
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  #9  
Old 06-26-2007, 05:56 PM
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Default Re: Darkrai's Corruption and Destruction

it was super
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  #10  
Old 06-26-2007, 06:00 PM
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Default Re: Darkrai's Corruption and Destruction

Thanks, everyone!

I'm surprised; I didn't think many people would like it...

I'm writing the next chapter as we speak, so...

It'll be done very soon! Hooray!

I hope you carry on reading and tell other people about it!

Djax94
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  #11  
Old 06-27-2007, 05:16 PM
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Default Re: Darkrai's Corruption and Destruction

New chapter! Hooray!

It's little short, still... But it's just to set the scene of what happens in his home on a regular basis!

Enjoy, and tell me what you think!

Chapter 1

The darkness was growing, as was his fear. The only thing that he could make out was the figure standing 2 yards away from him... And it was getting closer...

“Why?” He whimpered. “Please, no more...” As the figure neared, a tear ran down the boy’s cheek. Why was he like this? Why couldn’t he be someone else’s Father? He began edging back, only to find that solid concrete halted him.

“You’ve been bad,” a coarse, manly voice half laughed, half shouted. The temperature of the small, dusty room seemed to plummet. There was eerie silence, then...

“ROOAARRRRR!” The figure lunged forward, fangs bared and ready to inflict misery and pain.

“NO! Please, Daddy, no!”

The darkness cleared, as did the eerie atmosphere. The light began pouring in as he opened his eyes.

“Oh, sweetheart, did you have another nightmare?” his mother queried in a comforting tone.

“Uh, yeah,” replied Stolly, shaking slightly. He wiped away the dribble mark from the side of his face. His mother, Joanne, came over to embrace him, but he coldly shook her away and trudged downstairs. He glanced back to see her distraught expression, and guilt rushed through his entire body. He didn’t mean to be rude or cruel, but he hated her patronising him!

As the sun was rising, it blazed in through the small kitchen window. As usual, there was no smell of pancakes, or eggs, or anything homelike. Just the same boring old kitchen. As Joanne hurried in the kitchen, the light caught her eye and dazed her. She stumbled into the wall and the shelf started wobbling.

“Look out!” Stolly yelled as he dived towards his mother. He shoved her out of the way just as the shelf gave way. The wooden shelf, along the contents of the half a dozen boxes, collapsed onto the fur on his back, making several deep incisions. He gave a yelp as the weight pressed him to the ground and he slipped on his own blood. Joanne squealed and dashed over to check him.

“Leave me…” Stolly mumbled, and forced himself up. With however much energy he had left, he ran out of the house, limping all of the way, slipping several times on the liquid oozing out of his wounds.

Stolly limped across the field, feeling sorry for himself. He wiped the dried up blood off of his fur and onto the strands of wheat. The thought of his mother being the one to be hit… He just couldn’t take that. Even though the two weren’t exactly best friends, he couldn’t bear to see her hurt! How he could detect that danger so early for an Absol… He was incredibly confused. Maybe it had something to do with his father? He had always wanted to be out of the way when he went into a rage… He guessed that he must have learnt to do so. Suddenly, something caught his eye…

“Is that…?” he began, but dismissed the thought. In the sky, it couldn’t have been a pink tailed, slender floating creature… Could it? The scar across his eye began searing with pain. It did that whenever he thought danger was coming…

“Stuart? Stuart?” his mother called out for him, later in the day. “Stuart Terrence Oliver, get back here this minute!” Stolly dragged his heels, but came back in.

“I don’t see why you call me Stuart!” Stolly moaned, slightly angry. Being a teenager, and his history, made him prone to moodiness.

“Stolly’s such a pathetic and silly name. Your name is Stuart, and that’s what I intend to call you!” Stolly looked slightly hurt by his mother’s remark. He gave her one look of sadness/anger, and sprinted out of the room. Joanne let out a sigh. “Kids… Who’d have them?”

Upstairs, Stolly lay in his bed and cried until his head throbbed. She could be so insensitive! How could she say a thing like that? Wishing that Stolly wasn’t there!

“I just wish that something would happen, something to take me away from here…” he mumbled between sobs, snot running down his nose. With that, he shut his eyelids and let the world of slumber consume him…
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  #12  
Old 06-27-2007, 05:43 PM
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Default Re: Darkrai's Corruption and Destruction

what happend? it was very instersitng i cant wait for the next one!
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  #13  
Old 06-28-2007, 07:07 AM
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Default Re: Darkrai's Corruption and Destruction

Next chapter up soon!

What do you mean, "What happened?"

Do you mean to Stolly?

I'm glad you like it!

Djax94
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  #14  
Old 06-28-2007, 06:04 PM
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Default Re: Darkrai's Corruption and Destruction

hey is stolly an abosol?
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  #15  
Old 06-28-2007, 06:07 PM
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Default Re: Darkrai's Corruption and Destruction

Yep, that's correct!

Next chapter's coming along okay...

Any other questions?

Djax94
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