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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 07-07-2007, 11:49 PM
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Default Hey, That's My Carrot!

Hey, That’s My Carrot!

Pokemon To Capture: Mareep
Category: Simple
Number Of Characters Needed: 5-10k
Actual Number Of Characters: 7275

EDIT1: I know there's not a battle against Mareep, so I included one against Dusclops... If that's okay?

EDIT2: Also, this is my first story...

Jackson rested his 6-foot frame upon the shimmering, dew-coated grass. His light, ginger hair, along with the surrounding leaves and bushes, ruffled in the delicate breeze. Lygast struggled to stay with Jackson, even in the gentlest of winds. The gaseous Pokemon waited patiently until the gust died down, then floated across the patch of grass to his trainer. Jackson patted his friend, covering his face with a kind smile. The two were inseparable. Having being introduced in the local church graveyard only 4 days ago, the pair bonded quickly. Jackson removed his olive green rucksack from his back, letting out a sigh of relief whilst reaching inside for a snack. Out of the blue, a vicious growling noise startled him. Bolting upright, he went from alert to relaxed and slightly embarrassed.

“Oops... Forgot to fill her up!” he joked, red faced. Lygast gave him a blank look, and rolled his eyes. Jackson figured that he should solve the problem of his stomach’s sudden outburst. Fumbling in his bag for anything edible, he grabbed a vibrant carrot and yanked it out. Unwrapping it from its cling film, he hungrily licked his lips.

“Yeah...” Carrots were his favourite food, and was often ridiculed for this, having ginger hair. He could never understand what the big deal was. After this flashback, he hastily put the long, orange stick towards his mouth. As it touched his lips, a yellow streak dashed inches in front of his face. His eyes were transfixed where the thing had just been. Once he’d snapped out of his trance like state, he noticed that there was nothing in between his pearly white teeth. The carrot was gone. Fury began flowing into every morsel of his body even his little toe! Although he was in a rage, he said not a word, pushed himself off the ground, and pursued the yellow streak. He knew the general direction it went in, and he WOULD get his carrot back…

The thick, canopy layer above his head blocked out most of the entering light, making it difficult for Jackson to see anything. Lygast, being used to the dark, was well orientated and guided Jackson through the mess of thorny vines and bulky tree roots.

“Gas... Gastly,” Lygast let out a sigh. Did his trainer really need that carrot? Not concentrating, Lygast floated into a tree and fazed through, being a Ghost Type. But the same could not be said for Jackson. He crashed into it, severely hurting his nose; maybe rupturing an artery! Blood spilled everywhere, the smell filling the dense wood. Hearing the sound of crunching bones, Lygast turned and saw his injured trainer. Concerned, he drifted back through branches and brambles to check on his friend. Lygast licked him affectionately, not realising the effect of his Lick attack. Shivers went down Jackson’s spine, and his eyes scattered uncontrollably.

Concentration covered Jackson’s entire face.

“Left foot... Right foot...” he muttered to himself, endeavouring not to stumble on tree roots again.

“Eep!” a young voice screamed in fear. Jackson instinctively turned his head in that direction. A worried expression fell upon his face and sprinted towards the source of the squeal.

“Hang on...” he called out to the one in need. He reached a clearing in the forest, stopping to catch his breath. Peering round at the sound of distress, he noticed his carrot was on the earthy, muddy ground. Well, that was ruined! Observing the area more carefully, a blue and yellow Pokemon was sitting inside a black, gooey cauldron. Some man with a long, messy beard was reciting funny words from a dusty, old book. All the while, a Dusclops sat with its one eye fixated on the small Mareep in the pot. On Jackson’s whispered command, Lygast summoned a cold lump of shadowy energy and flung it at the cauldron. It tipped over backwards, the Mareep and a strange, green liquid pouring out.

“Eep, Mareep!” It cried out gratefully. Scurrying over to Jackson, it hid behind his leg, trembling all the while.

“Our Sacrification Ceremony... Has been interrupted...” the odd man mumbled in a droned voice. “If a key is lost, another must be cut... And cut you shall be!” The man put a bony, shaking hand into his filthy pocket and fished out an incredibly rusty knife. Dusclops fazed away, and reappeared behind Jackson. Grabbing both of his arms, he prevented his escape. Shivers went down his spine. Seeing how frightened his master was, Lygast jumped to his Defense. Dusclops released his grip upon the young trainer, and went to deal with Lygast.

“Shadow Punch...” the man called out. Dusclops’ fists glowed a funny purple colour, then released a barrage of shadowy fists. They struck Lygast with incredible force, but he managed to take it.

“Lygast, fight back with Dark Pulse!” The smaller of the two ghosts fought back with a wave of dark energy. The chilling pulse made contact with Dusclops, damaging it badly. “Good! Now use Confuse Ray, then Shadow Ball!” Lygast looked into Dusclops’ eye. A swirling pattern began dazing the Cyclops Pokemon. Being confused, it couldn’t avoid the lump of shadowy mass coming towards it. However, it all ended with one attack.

“Psychic...” Dusclops’ whole body was shrouded in a blue aura. With one burst of concentration, the aura moved to Gastly. The round Pokemon writhed in pain, falling to the floor. He was immobilized after the effects of that Psychic attack. Having no one in his way, the man turned his attention back to Jackson. Dusclops materialized behind Jackson once more, locking his arms.

Mareep could feel the young boy cowering, hear him begging for mercy, and see his eyes fill with tears. All of this for a little Mareep. Anger bubbled inside her. How dare he do this!
Without a thought of what the consequences might be, Mareep stepped in between the two humans. Sparks began flying around her horns, fuelled by rage. The current flowed through every inch of her body, including her toes. Having one target in mind, she launched the attack aiming directly at the knife. The high voltage energy coursed through the blade, then into the strange man wielding it. He collapsed onto the floor, unconscious from the shock. Mareep likewise collapsed from exhaustion. Dusclops, now infuriated by the attack on his master, raced at the Mareep with the intention of harming her. Jackson watched in despair as Dusclops neared its target. Then an idea filled his brain.

“Lygast, try and Shadow Ball Dusclops away from Mareep!” he pleaded, praying his partner could muster enough energy to follow his command. The gas Pokemon slowly floated upwards, struggling not to fall to the ground again. He formed a cold lump of shadow, and thrust it at Dusclops, just before it reached Mareep. Dusclops slammed into a tree stump, before closing its one eye. Lygast swayed gently whilst falling. All of these unconscious bodies terrified Jackson, and sweat ran down his face. The first thing he did was recall Lygast to his Pokeball. Deciding that Mareep was in no fit state to look after herself, he took out a red and white sphere from his rucksack. Pushing the button on the front, he enlarged it. Tapping it on Mareep’s limp body, she was enveloped in a crimson light. Being sucked inside must have been distressing for her. The sphere began rocking...
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iamnotyou11 (00:41:35): scrotom?

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Last edited by Mitsuzo-kun; 07-10-2007 at 06:06 AM.
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  #2  
Old 07-29-2007, 11:29 PM
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Default Re: Hey, That's My Carrot! [Please Grade! PLEASE!!!!)

And claiming this also.

djax, yes that's considered a bump. No need for it, just be patient. ^^

EDIT:

Story/Plot: Haha, well that is a very cute title. I kind of liked how you played the carrot into the story. This was a very nice plot for a Simple Pokemon like Mareep. You took an average idea and turned it into pretty darn good story. I wish you could have explained some more about what the man was doing with the Mareep in his cauldron, though. O_o Was he planning on eating it, or using it for a potion or something?

Overall, this was very nice; perfect for its category. I could see you trying for a Pokemon in the Medium level or higher for your next story.

Grammar/Spelling: No problems here. Dialogue was correct. Spelling was correct. You even remembered to capitalize attacks and “Pokemon”. If you made any mistakes, I missed them. ;P Nice job.

Detail/Description: Very well done here also. Perfect amount of detail in my opinion. It’s clear that you are not new to writing, especially since this is your first story. No complaints from me, which is pretty rare in this category. XD

Length: Smack dab in the middle is a good place to leave off. For future reference, quality beats quantity ten times over, which is exactly what you’ve done here. Just remember to write your story and worry about word count later. Your story won’t turn out nearly as good if the only thing you focus on is how long it is.

Battle: I’ll admit I was a little worried when you said you didn’t actually battle Mareep, but the way you had used it against Dusclops and weakened it that way seemed perfectly acceptable to me. The attacks were interestingly written, and you used them in unique ways. I could see you having Gastly turn around and have a battle with Mareep after the fight with Dusclops, but is fine the way you wrote it. In the future, just be sure to have an actual possession battle with the Pokemon you’d like to capture so there are no questions up in the air.

Outcome: Very impressive for a first story. Mareep captured! The way you used detail was probably my favorite area here. Think up some more good ideas and start up another story for maybe a harder level Pokemon next time. ^^

- This is a pretty short grade for me, but there wasn't much to say really. Nice work, again. <3
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Last edited by EmBreon; 08-01-2007 at 02:12 AM.
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  #3  
Old 07-30-2007, 09:20 AM
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Default Re: Hey, That's My Carrot! [Please Grade! PLEASE!!!!)

Yay! Thanks EmBreon... And sorry about that... Won't happen again! ^^

EDIT: The plot doesn't seem that original, looking back through it... I'll probably fail... =[

EDIT2: This is my Summer Comp entry
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Last edited by Mitsuzo-kun; 07-30-2007 at 02:50 PM.
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  #4  
Old 08-01-2007, 09:20 AM
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Default Re: Hey, That's My Carrot! (Summer Competition entry)

Sorry for the double post, but I'm too damn excited!

I GOT A GOOD GRADE! *Faints from excitement*

I'm so happy that I have a new, little friend! Thanks, EmBreon. This really means a lot to me. I suprised by how well you said I did! =O

The next story I'm writing is for an Eevee... *Sweat rolls down face* It'll be a lot harder, but I'll give it my best shot!

Thanks again,

Jackson
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  #5  
Old 08-20-2007, 01:51 PM
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Default Re: Hey, That's My Carrot! (Summer Competition entry)

Okay... Continuation! ^^

Next chapter coming...
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Last edited by Mitsuzo-kun; 08-20-2007 at 01:58 PM.
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  #6  
Old 08-20-2007, 02:01 PM
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Default Re: Hey, That's My Carrot! (Summer Competition entry)

Chapter 2: Not got a name yet! (Part 1)


As Jackson stared at the small sphere lying on the ground in front of him, he realised he now owned a second Pokemon. As he rejoiced, the sound of leaves rustling diverted his attention from dancing. The strange, bearded man now began stirring from his electrical assault. Fuelled by fear, Jackson scooped up the Pokeball that now contained Mareep, and sprinted deeper into the forest. Both his team members had fainted, leaving him with no protection, so he wanted to be as far away from that man and his Duskclops as possible.

**********

As the bulky mass of entwined trees thinned, a small flicker of hope stimulated inside his head. In the distance lay a Pokemon Center... A safe haven for him and his Pokemon. Without a second thought or a glance back to the forest, he skidded down the hill ahead, determined to reach his destination. His worry for Mareep and Lygast was growing, as was his fear for his own safety. The Pokemon Center would house them, protect them from any dangers of the outside world...

“Don’t worry, guys,” Jackson muttered to his unconscious team, “We’ll be there soon, I promise...”
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Last edited by Mitsuzo-kun; 08-20-2007 at 02:26 PM.
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