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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 07-17-2007, 01:33 AM
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Exclamation A Little Girl and Her Pearl

A Little Girl and Her Pearl

The story of a rich girl on an adventure. She is attempting to go out on her own. However a pesky annoying pig is interested in her new gift.

Thnx to Scott for giving me the confidence to try this

The Pokemon: Spoink
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Last edited by Rpgraccoon; 08-01-2007 at 02:53 AM.
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  #2  
Old 07-17-2007, 01:35 AM
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Default Re: A Little Girl and Her Pearl

A Little Girl and Her Pearl

As the sun rises on the Garlands’ estate, the large mansion's white paint seems to sparkle. The sun then begins to creep into the room of little Katlin Garland; it is her tenth birthday. The tenth birthday is a special time in many young people’s life in the world of Pokemon as it is the beginning of their journey.

At eight-o-five a.m., Kaitlin’s little pink Hoothoot alarm clock began to sound, “Hoothoot.” She would then roll over to read the time with her blue eyes and read the numbers. Then she would stretch and push down on the alarm clock to shut it off. Her blonde hair was a mess and she was still in her night gown. Slowly she crept out of her room and down the hall and was greeted by the maids. Upon reaching the doors to the bath, she was given a town and all the toiletries. After about a thirty minute soaking, she exited the bath in a towel and headed back to her room. A maid of course followed.

Katlin and the maid entered her room. Katlin then put on her underwear. The maid then picked out a dress. However, Katlin protested. “No, I won’t be wearing that! I will be going on my journey today. I will dress myself. However, you can brush my hair if you like.” Katlin then picked out some jeans and a T-shirt and light jacket. Nonetheless, she liked the dress so she picked it up and replied, “Maybe I can ask mom if I can take it with me?” She then sat down and let the maid comb her hair. As soon as this was done Katlin went down the long winding stairs.

Once she was at the bottom she headed to the kitchen and ate her breakfast. It was a small meal of two eggs, toast and Moo-moo milk. When she was done she left what she ate behind and headed back into the grand hall. From the grand hall she headed into the study to where her parents said they would wait for her.

Her dad sat down on a large chair while he smoked his pipe. He was a regal looking man in a red robe with a brown buzz cut. Her mother was also sitting in the room. She was wearing a blue dress her brown hair draped over the couch while her eyes were fixed on the TV.

Katlin screamed and jumped onto her dad. “eiiii!!!”

Katlin’s dad replied in a puff, “Happy birthday!”

Katlin’s mom then screamed, “Happy birthday!”

Katlin jumped off her dads lap. Then she turned and looked at him and batted her eyes. “Where is it?”

Katlin’s dad and mom then stood up. Then her dad replied, “I have your first gift.”

Katlin’s dad then proceeded to pull a tiny gold Pokeball out form within his robes. “However, don’t open it yet.” He then slowly began to bend down and pull a gift from under his arm chair. Then he replied again, “And here you go as well.”

Katlin then quickly began to tear into the package. It was a shiny pink Pokedex. She of course knew she was getting a new one and was quite happy. She then began to let out a big grin.

Katlin was quite excited and began to enlarge the Pokeball. However, before she could release the Pokemon.

Her mom grabbed her arm, then she replied, “One more thing for me to give you first.”

Katlin then let out a large sigh… as she made the Pokeball small again. Her mom walked gracefully towards a picture of her grandfather. The picture was a graceful painting done by her grandfather’s Smeargle. He was quite the trainer back in the day. However, the painting was not quite perfect as like most of the prints painted by his Pokemon half of the painting was done in black and white and the other half was in color.

She then pulled back the picture and revealed a safe. Slowly she turned the dial; two right-seventeen-left-five-right click! The safe opened and within it was a large pearl broach.

Her Mom then gracefully removed the broach from the safe and closed the door. Then she carefully placed the picture back into place. Walked towards her daughter and then told her to sit down. Katlin sat down without a word staring at the huge pearl. Her mom then proceeded to fasten the broach to her hair. Then stood up and told her daughter too as she walked out of the room for a few moments.

In less than fifteen minutes her mom finally returned with a mirror. She then replied. “You look beautiful; this is a rare blue Clampealrs’ pearl broach. I have had it for years and saved it for when you began your journey. Now dear you can see your new Pokemon.”

Katlin then reared back and said, “Pokemon Go!” Suddenly a cute little white fuzzball adorned with a pink ribbon popped out in a barrage of hearts and stars. Then it responded in a cute little voice “Eeevee.”

Then the cute little critter pranced towards its new master and nuzzled against her legs.

Thanks mom and dad I love her!

They both replied, “You are welcome.”

Then both then got up and walked together towards the grand hall. Her mom then called the maids. “Gather her things please.”

The maids scrambled about the mansion and soon returned with a backpack full of supplies for a long trip.

Then Katlin replied, “Mom, there is a dress I’d like to take with me can you find a way to fit it in this?”

Katlin's Mom then looked at the maid and asked for her to pack the dress in there. The maid was off and then returned.

Katlin then hugged her Mom and Dad and walked outside.
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Last edited by Rpgraccoon; 08-01-2007 at 03:26 AM.
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  #3  
Old 07-18-2007, 10:14 PM
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Default Re: A Little Girl and Her Pearl

Katlin looked outside at the beautiful gardens of the Garlind estate. She knew it would be a long walk before she could exit the grounds. However, she had to get on her way. She just put one foot in front of the other and walked forward into the sun and enjoyed her last view of home for a while.

As she walked she could see all the gardeners pruning away at the rosebushes and hedges keeping the garden neat and tidy. She watched as a Pidgey would fly down into a fountain and take a quick bath. She found the garden so soothing.

Katlin finally reached the mid-point and decided to sit down and rest at her old hide out. She veered from the path and took an old dirt path. It was covered in weeds this path seemed as if no one had used it in at least four summers. Soon she reached an old shack. She pushed back an old rotten door and down it fell. The dust flew high covering her face. Soon the little girl sneezed, “hachu.” She pulled out a hanky to try to cover it. Then used it to rub off an old chair and table sitting in the shed.

She then sat down in the chair and opened her bag and found a little bit of food. Inside she found a granola bar to eat and some Pokemon food for her Eevee. After that the little girl pulled her canteen off her side and set it on the table. However, she needed a bowl for her Pokemon to drink from. Katlin stood up and looked around the shed. She looked around and over to the side was some old kid’s toys she used to play with. One ways a toy kitchen set. Later she picked up the two small bowls and brought them over and cleaned the grime off with some of the water and the cloth. Then she filled them with food and water. Then finally she released her Eevee from her Pokeball. “Hello, how are you little girl?”

The little fox like Pokemon replied with a grin, “Eevee.”

Good I got you some food for lunch then we are headed out of here and going to town. Our estate is rather large it takes a good two hours to get out. Good thing I remembered this place hu?

Eevee replied, “Eevee.”

They both ate their food then took a small nap side by side in the cool dirt.

“Snort Snort Snort.” A tiny little pig-like Pokemon digs in the ground gathering mushrooms. Then the little fellow smells something. His nose and ears twitch and he begins to bounce on his spring like tail causing his heart rate to grow intense. He reaches and old shed and bounces up and down to see though a window. The view inside is musty. However he can see enough to tell there is something shiny inside. He then thinks to the jewel on the top of his head. It is quite old and dusty. Most of the other Spoinks’ he has run into look like Pearls with Spoinks under them. He only had this old tarnished pearl. It looked pathetic. He then bounced inside the tiny shed.

The first thing he did was lift his tiny nose up into the air and sniff. He smelled the left over food that Eevee had left inside the bowl. He had to have some. Then the tiny ping sprung to the bowl and had itself some of the food.

Katlin and Eevee just slept as the Pokemon ate the remaining food.

After he was done her turned around and saw it the largest pear he had ever seen. He had to have it. The Spoinks eyes began to glow bright with psychic energy the pearl began to rise into the air. However, it was attached tight to Katilins hair. Thus as the pear rise so did Katlins long hair. Kalin started to feel the tug and woke up with a scream. Eevee then awoke to the cry and the Spoink lost concentration.

“What on earth was that?” Katlin replied.

Spoink just squeeled. He seemed ready to fight for that Pearl

Katlin looked at the little Pokemon and checked her Pokedex.

Eevee jumped forward and growled at the Spoink showing no fear. It was obvious that Katlin’s parents spared no expense when they got her the little Eevee as her starter.

“The Clampearl pearl on top of the Pokemon’s head amplifies this Pokemon’s psychic energies the larger the pear the more powerful it becomes. It is always seeking a larger pearl. It loves mushrooms. It bounces to keep it hear beating” replied the Pokedex. She then closed it.

So it wanted my broach, Katlin thought.

She then replied, “Okay Spoink, if you want it you will have to come with me.“

Spoink then bounced up and down rapidly ready to fight.

She then looked at Eevee “Are you ready?”

Eevee kicked up dust.

“Lets go then!” she replied.

Katlin looked around at the room and saw the table and told Eevee jump on the table and jump on-top of the pig.

Eevee looked at the Spoink and bounced onto the table then flung down on top of the pig-like Pokemon attempting to either slam its weight down. She missed. However, the impact caused the whole field to become covered in a veil of sand.

Spoink then quickly bounced up high to avoid the hit. He then looked down and could not locate the little fox. The sand had been stirred up by Eevees impact. He just planted himself down onto the ground.

However, Eevee didn’t move more than a few feet. Thus when the Spoink landed she took a big bite out of him. The taste of the raw pig was quite delicious. Spoink just squealed he had to get the little beast off of him. He just jumped again. As he bounced into the air he took the Eevee with him. Eevee noticed that she was being drug along. Thus it just dug its teeth in further. Spoink just began to bleed and began to fall down head first. The bite was too much for the pig-like-Pokemon.

Katlin had to call back Eevee now. Thus, she called her back. Then she threw her little red Pokeball. She had to hurry or the pokemon would fall to the ground in pain.
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Last edited by Rpgraccoon; 08-01-2007 at 03:29 AM.
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  #4  
Old 07-29-2007, 10:56 AM
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Default Re: A Little Girl and Her Pearl

Officially Entered in the Summer Bonanza.
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Last edited by Rpgraccoon; 08-01-2007 at 02:56 AM.
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  #5  
Old 07-29-2007, 11:26 PM
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Default Re: A Little Girl and Her Pearl ( Ready for Grade )

Sorry for the wait. ^^;

Story/Plot: This was a very nice story. Unfortunately, I don’t see how the plot is all that original. A girl gets an Eevee for her birthday, sets out on her adventure, and randomly runs into a Spoink. You could do so much more with this. Maybe you had to save Spoink from some vicious Growlithe, or you had to fight off Team Rocket once they realized you had a valuable pearl. Any kind off plot twist would be very helpful in your writing.

I could also see, possibly, you having a bit more trouble or more time elapsing before you encounter the Spoink. They are somewhat hard to find in the games, don’t you think? Don’t be afraid to take more time, stall in a few places, or explain things further. Having one action after another can be exciting, but it loses its affect after awhile as opposed to having a few things lead up to it.

Grammar/Spelling: Not bad, but I can see you need some work in this area. Simply using a Word will help out with spelling, and other minor errors, but some of the more complex ones will just improve through experience. Anyways, I’ll try to help as much as I can.
Quote:
As the sun rises on the Garlands’ estate the large mansion white paint seems to sparkle.
Quote:
At eight-o-five a.m. Kaitlin’s little pink Hoothoot alarm clock began to sound, “Hoothoot.”
Quote:
Upon reaching the doors to the bath she was given a town and all the accouterments.
Quote:
After about a thirty minute soak she exited the bath in a towel and headed back to her room.
Here we have some comma problems. If you begin a sentence with a word like, “As” or “After”, you’ll need to put a comma immediately following the dependent phrase. Take for example the first sentence:
Quote:
As the sun rises on the Garlands’ estate the large mansion white paint seems to sparkle.
The comma will follow “estate”. (Oh, and you’ll want to show that the mansion shows possession with the paint by changing “mansion” to mansion’s). So the new sentence will look like this:

As the sun rises on the Garlands’ estate, the large mansion’s white paint seems to sparkle.


Now you can tell where a comma should go by separating the sentence in two. “As the sun rises on the Garlands’ estate” and “the large mansion’s white paint seems to sparkle.” While the second half makes sense on its own, the first half doesn’t. The easiest way to tell would be by just paying attention to the first word. The other three sentences would be corrected as such:

At eight-o-five a.m., Kaitlin’s little pink Hoothoot alarm clock began to sound, “Hoothoot.”


Upon reaching the doors to the bath, she was given a towel and all the accouterments. (“accouterments” wouldn’t be a good word choice here. I’d go with something like toiletries or simply washing materials instead)

After about a thirty minute soaking, she exited the bath in a towel, and headed back to her room.

Quote:
Katlin was quite excited and began to enlarge the Pokeball. However, before she could release the Pokemon.

Her mom grabbed her arm. Then she replied, “One more thing for me to give you first.”
Another type of comma problem here, “However, before she could release the Pokemon.” However what? This sentence does not make sense alone either. Simply connect it to the following one:

However, before she could release the Pokemon, her mom grabbed her arm.

Then you can say what she said. It’s also unnecessary to begin a new paragraph at this point.
Quote:
The sun then begins to creep into the room of little Katlin Garland it is her tenth birthday.
This sentence needs a semi colon after “Garland”. Because the fact that it’s her birthday has nothing to do with the sun creeping into the bedroom, you’d tack it on by using a semi colon. Basically, if there are ever any two different ideas sharing a sentence, a semi colon will be present. Of course, there are always exceptions, but that’s just the drag of knowing the English language. ;P

The sun then begins to creep into the room of little Katlin Garland; it is her tenth birthday.
Quote:
Then the little critter pranced towards its’ new master and nuzzled her legs.
The “its’” you have here is incorrect. There are two types: its and it’s. You would use "it’s" as a contraction for “it is” and “its” to show possession. So in this case, you’d want to eliminate the apostrophe.

Then the little critter pranced towards its new master and nuzzled her legs.


Quote:
They both replied, “Your welcome.”
Another confusing word trick, your and you’re. “You’re” is a contraction for “you are” and “your” would show possession. Like saying, “That is your book.” So here you’d want to say “you are”.

They both replied, “You’re welcome.”

Quote:
They both ate there food then took a small nap side by side in the cool dirt.
And finally we come to the “there’s”. There are three: there, their, and they’re. The first “there” would be used if you were identifying a place, such as: “The book is over there.” The second “their” is used to show possession, such as: “That is their book.” And lastly, the most exciting of all, “they’re” is yet another happy contraction for “they are”, such as: “They are not reading the book.” How fun.

So anyways, the sentence you had written should instead be the possession form, since the food belongs to Katlin and Eevee.

They both ate their food, and then took a small nap side by side in the cool dirt.


Quote:
She then sat down in the chair and opened her bag and found a little bit of food. Inside she found a granola bar to eat and some Pokemon food for her Eevee. She then pulled her canteen off her side and set it on the table. However, she needed a bowl for her Pokemon to drink from. Katlin stood up and looked around the shed. She looked around and over to the side was some old kid’s toys she used to play with. One ways a toy kitchen set. She then picked up the two small bowls and brought them over and cleaned them off with some of the water and the cloth. Then she filled them with food and water. Then finally she released her Eevee from her Pokeball.
Ouch. Starting so many sentences off the same way can become pretty dull after a while. Trying mixing it up from “She then” to “After that, she” or “Next,” or "Last,”. It keeps the paragraph flowing more smoothly.

If you have any questions about any of this, feel free to PM me or ask on AIM. ^^

Detail/Description: This is another area I think you could improve in. When you picture what you see in your mind, it’s important to explain everything. What it looked like, what it smelled like, even what it felt like. Including all of the senses paints everything in your reader’s mind. If they can’t see it, they aren’t going to like the story nearly as much as the writer will.

Simply adding in adjectives can make a huge difference as well. Like, instead of saying: “The ball rolled away.”, you could say: “The ruby red ball tumbled out of sight.” This gives much more visually, and even changing the verbs to something more unique can make a dull sentence more interesting.

Length: You just nipped the edge of the minimum here. It’s always stressed that quality is more important than quality, but if you’re uncertain to whether your story is good or not, it’s safe to have some extra length to back you up. It seems that you’ve just written up to where you had 10k and then rushed the ending to get the story done. The beginning was very interesting, you had detail, and an interesting storyline going, then, as you got further into the story, it felt more rushed and forced. Just slow down and take your time. Don’t even count your characters until you are done writing; length will come by itself. If you finish and still come up short, just go back and add some more details or even an interesting plot twist. No harm in that. ;P

Battle: Where were the attacks? You simply had Eevee “bite” Spoink. Just saying, “Eevee bit Spoink.” is not a very good way to write a battle. Have the trainer actually call out the Bite attack. I wish you had used more of them as well. Eevee knows a lot more than Bite. Spoink should have also fought back some. Sure it’s just a fat pig head on a spiral stick, but I doubt he wouldn’t have had any fight in him. XD In the future I’d try a bit harder to make your battle a bit more two-sided with some more attacks as well.

Outcome: This one was difficult. I nearly got a headache from trying to decide. ;P With borderline stories, I like to lean in the writer’s favor so, Spoink captured! Battles are one of the most important factors; sometimes just having a really good battle can save you. Just take your time next time, and try to come up with a really original idea to guarantee a catch. Overall this was a pretty entertaining story, so keep writing! ^^
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Last edited by EmBreon; 08-01-2007 at 02:32 AM.
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  #6  
Old 08-01-2007, 02:51 AM
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Default Re: A Little Girl and Her Pearl ( Ready for Grade )

Thanks, My break from writing from a month and the writers block hurt me quite a bit. However, I did enjoy writing this. I thanks for spotting my grammar problems. I will keep them in mind. I had a feeling that grammar may of been a slight problem with this story. I do hope I do well in the contest. I know I won't win. However, to enter is an honor.
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