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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 07-19-2007, 09:58 PM
Psychic Offline
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: On Serebiiforums
Posts: 445
Default What They DIDN'T Tell You In The Brochure (for Summer Competition)

This is my first Pokémon story for the URPG, and because it is so long and won't all fit on one post, it will be divided up into three parts over four posts. It is over 62000 characters long and in it I am going for one Pokémon on the Hard list, one on the Medium and one Simple. Yes, I am aware that it's a bit overboard, but meh.

Also, please not that only Part One and Part two are for the Summer Competition. Not Part Three!

Enjoy.


What They Didn't Tell You In The Brochure


Part One: Tourists or Adventurers?


“’The Ruins of Alph, home to some of the strangest and most mysterious legends in all of Johto. An enigma in itself, the Ruins were, according to many historians and mythologists, a place where a great power is said to have emanated once from.’ Hm, interesting stuff, wouldn’t you say, Bladewing?” Psychic looked up from the brochure in her hand to glance at the mantis Pokémon with bright, eager blue eyes.

“Scai-ther, scai,” the Scyther muttered in response, shrugging his green-plated shoulders and subsequently causing the filmy wings attached to his back to shudder.

“You know, you can learn things about the future from the past. No need to think so negatively; for all you know, you can learn a better fighting technique from studying the markings on the walls inside,” Psychic stated rather matter-of-factly, crossing her arms.

“Scai scyther scai.” The bug merely rolled his eyes, doubting he would ever learn such a thing, but knowing he was fighting a losing battle.

“That attitude won’t do you any good. You have now accepted your fate, sure, but there’s no harm in doing so with a touch of optimism,” Psychic said as the pair walked through the final archway that served as the entrance to the Ruins of Alph.

Bladewing was about to reply, but he was left breathless as the two caught sight of the Ruins for the first time, and the duo froze completely as they took in everything around them. The place was comprised mostly of huge buildings made of light brown stone, now ancient and decrepit, with large chunks missing from the sides and long cracks snaking through each wall. Plants of many shapes and sizes had crept their way up the walls, covering them entirely in some cases as they dug their roots deep into the cracks. The ground was of the cobblestone sort, but though it was said to have once been shiny and clean like a pearl it was now dirty, with weeds cutting through the surface and cracks stretching through it. Trees like skyscrapers cut off the Ruins from the rest of the world, and seemed to block out all sound, even from the metropolis of Goldenrod City not far off and the nearby highways.

The place was eerily silent, and even though it was clear that time had thoroughly ravaged it, time here seemed to stand still, and it felt like there really was something in the air, a faded aura of power that seemed to come from the buildings themselves.

The only thing that stood starkly out was a small, square white building, dwarfed by the Ruins though clearly not meant to compare – as it seemed nothing ever could – and serving a simple purpose: house the scientists studying the area as well as serve as a welcome center for any tourists who come to explore the area. It was a shame that so few people ever came nowadays.

Suddenly, as if awakening from a long dream, Psychic noticed a person standing outside the building waving to them. Snapping out of her frozen position, she gestured over to the lone person, a middle-aged woman with her brown hair in a ponytail, wearing a bright red shirt and black, somewhat formal pants, and the two made their way over.

“Hello, you two must be adventurers who wish to do some exploring!” she exclaimed excitedly as she looked at the trainer and Pokémon.

“Er, you could call us that,” Psychic said, extending a hand. “Hi, I’m Psychic, known best as Psychic Moonshadow, and this over here is my companion Bladewing.”

“Welcome, welcome! I am Amy, and I conduct most of the tours around here,” Amy said, shaking Psychic’s hand. The woman looked Psychic up once and down: the teen didn’t look like trouble and seemed eager to have a look at the Ruins, above all else. She had long, wavy blond hair that fell carelessly to her waist, framing a pale face with soft features and bright, inquisitive blue eyes. She was sporting a formfitting purple v-neck top, dark blue cargo pants, and the tips of grey running shoes just barely poked out from underneath them.

The Scyther then extended his scythe, which Amy stared blankly at for a moment. It was incredibly sharp, smooth and shiny, and she couldn’t help but wonder if this was a threat of sorts and the Pokémon was meaning to intimidate her.

“Sorry, Bladewing tries to give handshakes for formality reasons, but it often gets misinterpreted,” Psychic said in a somewhat apologetic tone, and the tour guide briefly wondered if the girl could read minds, but decided not to think about it and instead gingerly clasped the Scyther’s scythe and gently shook it up and down. The mantis gave a short grunt as she finished and quickly withdrew his scythe to let it rest at his side.

Amy blinked in confusion but quickly regained her composure. “So, would you like a tour, then?” she asked kindly, smiling openly.

“A guided tour? Hm.” Psychic rested her chin on her finger as she considered this, a comical look of concentration crossing her face.

“Ther, scai-scai, ther scai,” Bladewing said in a matter-of-fact tone.

“True, but haven’t people gotten lost here before?” Psychic muttered in response, turning to look to the guide.

“Um, yes, but we have plenty of Escape Ropes throughout the Ruins that can be used if anyone gets lost,” Amy explained. “This was added very recently because of the past incidents, though nobody really knows they’re there because nobody ever comes here anymore,” she added quickly.

“Scai-ther, scai, ther scyther,” the bug pointed out. Psychic closed her eyes, appearing deep in thought.

“Ther?”

“Yeah.” Psychic opened her eyes.

“Scyther, scai!”

“Okay,” Psychic said with a grin. “Thank you, Amy, but we’ll go on our own. We like to explore at our own pace, and we’d like to go at it just the two of us.”

“All right, then. I won’t try to stop you- your minds seem made up.” Bladwing grinned. “However, I’ll get your two a flashlight and a map- no matter how prepared you may think yourself to be, no one is ever prepared without them.” Before either adventurer could protest, the guide zipped through into the building – not that either had any intention to deny either item – and she was back before you could say “a-to-z” with a flashlight and map in hand.

“Now, there are four main buildings that make up the Ruins of Alph,” Amy explained quickly as she started walking towards the nearest decrepit building, Psychic and Bladewing quickly hurrying to walk beside her as she rattled on. “They’re all separate, and the entrance of one of them can only be accessed by crossing a lake, but they all seem to interconnect through a bunch of underground passageways. The entrances to such passageways seem to be either locked away or hidden, so we weren’t able to line them with Escape Ropes. But it shouldn’t be a problem, and I’m sure you won’t wind up unlocking the passageways or anything. If you ever get lost or are unsure of where you’re going even with the map, look for the Escape Ropes and follow them to the exit.”

Just as Amy finished, the three ended up at the entrance to the first building. The doorway was large and square, and flanked by a large stone statue on either side. The exact shape of the statue was difficult to discern after many years of corrosion, but it seemed to be bird-like, with what looked like a headcrest and beak which was mostly reminiscent of a Noctowl. Psychic couldn’t help but feel disappointed that all the detail was gone- she’d have liked to see the expression on the owl Pokémon’s face as it stood sentry over the ancient place.

“So here is where I shall leave you. I’d give you a walkie-talking if I could, but all radio signals get scrambled here, so you have no real means of communicating with me if you get lost. Just remember to use what you’ve got, and the Escape Ropes are just about everywhere.” She thrust the flashlight and map into the trainer’s arms. “Good luck!” And after this final farewell Amy turned and left, giving them an encouraging smile and wave just as she went into the white welcoming building.

“Well, it’s just you and me now, old boy. As usual,” Psychic said with a grin, looking up at the top of the entranceway and noticed a single eye carved into the face of the building. Oddly, there seemed to be multiple points and curves sticking out of the eye to create a shape of sorts, though exactly what it was, Psychic could hardly guess. She was just shifting her eyes to look straight in front of her when something caught her eye- a little green speck sitting atop the building. Psychic blinked, wondering if her eyes were deceiving her, but the next moment the speck was gone.

“Scyther scai.” Bladewing said, bringing the girl back to the project at hand as he gestured at the entrance with a scythe. Psychic shrugged gently, pushing away the thought of the green speck.

“Indeed- ‘ladies first’ it is, then.”



“Have you seen these yet? ‘It is from light’s own purity and self-righteousness that evil is born. When evil becomes too great, it turns in on itself and is its own end.’ Really something to consider, wouldn’t you say, Bladewing?” Psychic looked up from the wall she had been inspecting and the words written on it that she had been translating using the key on the back of the map Amy had given her. The room they were inside was only dimly lit by a few torches set into the walls and the air was thick and heavy, and Psychic could almost taste all the dust she knew she was inhaling. Because the torches only gave a small amount of light Psychic had to use the flashlight to read the map properly at times, mostly in the corners of the square room where the shadows flickered and danced the most.

“Scai scai-ther, scai,” the bug muttered in response, glancing at another wall with much less interest than his trainer.

“I know it’s a bit harder for you, but I’ve been reading most of it out loud anyway. Feels like I’ve been reading much of the same stuff over and over again, truth be told,” Psychic said with a sign, sounding somewhat disappointed. “It’s interesting and all, but it’s very vague. I wish we could read on, but so much of the markings have faded away over time. And it feels like everything we’ve read is pretty much all the same.”

“Scyther, ther-scai,” Bladewing pointed out.

“That’s all of them, other than the entrance on the other side of the lake. Looks like we’ve hit every possible spot and seen all there is to see,” Psychic said with a disappointed sigh. “Shame- there seems to be so much more to this place. I mean, I can feel it in the air, the aura of power, the cloud of mystery. It’s all here, just…hidden away. I wish we could go to those underground passageways.”

Bladewing shrugged, walking up to a pedestal centered in the middle of the room. “Ther? Scai scai-ther scai?” the mantis asked, pointing to the marking written upon a stone slab on the platform.

“Hm? Oh, yeah, that,” Psychic said, joining her companion on the pedestal. “It’s just one single word written here: ‘E-S-C-A-P-E.’ According to the blurb on the map, exactly what is meant by ‘escape’ nobody knows.” Psychic shrugged, but continued staring at the six letters engraved onto the bare rock.

“Scyther, scyther-scai.” Bladewing seemed to suddenly get struck with an idea, and went to another part of the chamber. Psychic didn’t pay attention to what he was doing, still staring at the word on the slab. When the Scyther returned a moment later, his scythe was held flat, parallel to the ground with a length of rope sitting on top, about two feet long.

“Really, an Escape Rope? You think it meant 'escape' as in the product developed only within the past twenty years? Don’t you think you’re being a bit ridiculous here? I think the old dust is muddling your brain up,” Psychic told her friend skeptically, but Bladewing promptly ignored her as he silently slid the bit of rope onto the slab, which covered the words as if crossing them out.

Without warning the six letters engraved in the hunk of rock began glowing, the intensity of the light increasing every second until it was almost blinding, and the two had to shield their eyes.

Then out of nowhere the platform seemed to just disappear under their feet, and the two began tumbling down, down, down into what seemed like an endless pit of darkness. Only later did the Scyther think to open his wings, and, catching his trainer on his back, floated down the rest of the way until they touched the ground, sending piles of dust airborne as they did so.
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Last edited by Psychic; 08-07-2007 at 03:52 AM.
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  #2  
Old 07-19-2007, 10:07 PM
Psychic Offline
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Default Part Two: Completely Unexpected (for Summer Competition)

Part Two: Completely Unexpected


“Scai-scyther, scyther scyther ther-scai-scai,” Bladewing said in a fakely optimistic, pointing-out-the-obvious tone as the two wandered through the underground passageway they had miraculously discovered by a stroke of dumb luck, which was completely black without light, which Psychic couldn’t even do anything about because she had dropped the flashlight in the fall. Fortunately, she still had the map, but unfortunately it was useless without the flashlight. Oh joy.

“I know I said I wanted to see more of the Ruins, but I hadn’t exactly been expecting this. Plus we’re not even seeing more of the ruins, so it hardly even counts,” Psychic snapped, her patience clearly wearing thin as the two walked through a passageway after having given up looking for the flashlight. They made sure to go in a straight line, though every once in awhile one of them bumped into a wall so they changed the angle they were walking at slightly, sometimes tripping over little rocks and such on the path. Every once in awhile they noticed the tunnel going at an upward or downward slope, but other than that their trek was uneventful and they continued wandering aimlessly for…well, they didn’t exactly know how long it was as neither had a watch, and though most Pokémon have decent time-telling skills, without a sun to get the basic idea from, the two were hopelessly lost.

However there WAS a light at the end of the tunnel– not just figuratively. After an undeterminable amount of time the tunnel started sloping upwards and continued doing so for quite some time and two saw a bright, welcoming light at the end of the tunnel which grew and grew as they continued walking. Once they were sure it wasn’t their minds playing nasty, evil tricks on them they made a wild dash for the light and finally burst out into beautiful, clean, open air! They sucked it in gleefully, filling their lungs with the first breaths of fresh air they had had in the same indistinguishable amount of time previously mentioned.

“Wow. Where…where are we?” Psychic asked, wide-eyed, even though her eyes stung slightly from the sudden shift from dark to light. They seemed to be in a courtyard of sorts, with long, lush grass growing in the middle, an entrance to another one of the Ruins on the right and huge trees in a thick clump in front of them and on their left. Four statues were placed in the grove, one in each corner, carved in the likeness of four of Johto’s Legendary Pokémon: Ho-Oh, Raikou, Entei and Suicune. The statues, made from a pearly white stone were carved beautifully and with a great amount of detail, making the creatures look strong, majestic and proud like the legends of old told. However, the strangest part was that they seemed perfectly preserved, as they had no doubt been sculpted many years ago, back when the Ruins of Alph had been originally built.
“Amazing…” Psychic mumbled quietly, her awe clearly visible. Her eyes locked onto the Ho-Oh statue, and even though it was made of stone, their eyes seemed to meet and Psychic couldn’t help but feel like the fierceness in them was real, and that the phoenix’ eye were boring holes through her, scrutinizing her, judging her. As if entranced, Psychic walked over to the statue to examine it more closely.

Just as she was leaning in to admire the detail put into the individual feathers on the Legendary’s wing, something hit her full-force in the stomach, winding the teen.

“Wha?” she wheezed, buckling over and looking completely astonished as she attempted to catch her breath when her eyes fell upon a small green form that landed on Ho-Oh’s head, a look of triumph on its beak. Head butting a human in the stomach appeared to be a huge accomplishment for the small bird Pokémon- a Natu, Psychic realized from its round body, red head crest and yellow and black wings. The strangest part, however, was that the Pokémon’s eyes seemed glazed-over and unfocused, distant, almost.

“Tu! Tu na-tu!” it cried in a voice that sounded more like a chirp than a battle cry.

Before Psychic could utter another word, the faithful mantis Pokémon was standing defensively in front of his trainer, appearing as if from thin air.

“Scai! Scai-ther, scai!” Bladewing declared, flaring his wings so they buzzed loudly.

“Yeah, we mean no harm!” Psychic added as she recovered, standing up as she attempted to catch her breath properly.

This only seemed to anger the psychic bird, and it flew at Bladewing with a Peck attack aimed at his face. The Scyther blocked the attack with his scythe with ease, flinging the Natu’s tiny frame backwards. It fell onto its back on the grassy ground but was quick to hop back onto its pink talons.

“TU NA-TU!” it shrieked in frustration and suddenly began glowing an eerie blue colour.

“Oh jeez, brace yourself for a psychic attack!” Psychic yelled with a groan, and saw Bladewing nod curtly in response, but neither could really prepare themselves for what happened next.

Suddenly, many strange things began flooding, rushing through the minds of both the human and Scyther. Flashes of times long gone, people long dead, words long spoken. Mixed with images of things that have yet to come, events yet to occur, places yet to exist, people yet to live, words yet to be spoken. All jumbled and mashed together and happening so quickly it was all impossible to interpret or understand.

“Future Sight!” Psychic cried out through the rush of images flooding her mind. “It’s to disorient us so it can summon up a stronger attack! We have to get out of here!” The girl’s eyes were watering as the image of a large, humanoid creature inside a tube of sorts flashed across her eyes, and through the rush she tried to remember exactly where she was- not just the place, but the time as well. She was suddenly looking down on the courtyard from a bird’s-eye view, the three creatures tiny specks, the Natu almost indistinguishable among the tall, green grass. Feeling detached from her body, she tried to send signals to her legs to get the heck out of there, but felt no response. However as she watched the yellow speck that was her was suddenly running across the courtyard into the building on her right, with a green speck followed closely behind. Just as Psychic saw herself disappear into the doorway she was back in her own body, feeling herself again, but still forcing her legs to go and get away from the crazy Natu. A moment later Bladewing flew into the building as well, and the two went in the only direction that would lead them away from the bizarre courtyard- through another tunnel that sloped downwards, underground once again. Psychic groaned, but didn’t complain as they dashed into the darkness of the tunnel, not stopping until they were sure that there was enough distance between them and the Natu.

Psychic looked for a wall to lean against in the darkness as she attempted to catch her breath, but of course, saw nothing of assistance and began groping around for something. For a second she thought she felt her fingers brush up against something, and figured it was a wall and started to lean against it. Unfortunately, nothing was there so she just fell onto the ground, dust blowing into her eyes. The girl groaned as she coughed to get out the powder she had just inhaled.

“Damn it!” she cried from her spot on the dirty ground, the words echoing through the passageway. Giving up and still panting like a Growlithe she just let herself lie there, knowing her head was just by Bladewing’s foot. She heard the Scyther making ‘tsk-tsk’ sounds above.

“Scai-scyther, scyther scai,” he said.

“Yeah. We seriously should have looked harder for that flashlight. Without it we have no idea what to do, where to go. This place is a huge maze, and for all we know whatever path we take could just take up right back to that psychotic Natu. That thing was crazy. And strong. I’ve never encountered a psychic who could do anything like that before!” Psychic shuddered at the thought. “It’s Future Sight…attacks shouldn’t be like that.”

She looked up at the place she assumed Scyther’s head to be. “I think…it’s probably because it has really strong abilities to sense the future. Maybe the past, too- seeing all kinds of jumbled things all the time. And through that attack it just sort of forced us to see what it sees all the time.”

“Scai, ther scai?” Bladewing asked, sounding surprised.

“If anything, it probably has to do with hanging around this place all the time. Amy said something about waves, right? Well, radio waves have been used to influence Pokémon in the past, right? That’s why Team Rocket took over the Goldenrod City Radio Tower a while back. What if they had some kind of weird affect on this particular Pokémon? I mean, this place is mysterious enough that nobody has any idea what it could do or what it once did.”

“Scyther ther, scai-ther.”

“Yeah, that’s the kind of effect I mean. I’m sure this place has muddled with its mind plenty. And I’m sure that other than the stray wild like, Sentret it’s not encountered many humans or Pokémon.”

“Ther.”

“Yeah, this is sooooo not what we ordered.”



The pair continued wandering aimlessly through the tunnels, still bumping into walls and tripping over stones, though remained mostly silent other than the occasional “ow” or in Bladewing’s case, [/I]“ther.”[/I] Once again they traveled for an indistinguishable amount of time, although thinking back Scyther mentioned that the sun had been pretty far west when they had been at the courtyard, though he hadn’t had a chance to properly judge the time because of the Natu’s sudden appearance. But his guess was that by now it was quite late in the afternoon, meaning they it had been somewhere over five hours since they had fallen through the floor of the chamber. Which more than accounted for Psychic’s legs being so sore.

But some god was smiling down upon them once again and after some time they smelled a whiff of fresh air, and a cool, gentle breeze tickled their skin just as the two felt they couldn’t go on much longer. They squinted and peered ahead through the darkness and could see…more darkness? Dark blue but slightly light.

“An exit,” Psychic breathed in relief, eyes widening.

“Scai-scyther, ther scai-scai,” Bladewing reminded the teen, frowning.

“Ugh, true. Natu know Teleport, don’t they?” Psychic groaned and suddenly wasn’t quite so eager to get out. “Then again, wouldn’t that mean it could Teleport underground, too? Hm, and it seems night has fallen, too.”

“Ther, scyther scyther scai.”

“Yeah…yeah. ‘Proceed with caution,’ that sort of thing. That works,” Psychic replied tiredly, so the two warily trudged towards the exit and were met with another courtyard similar to the first, except darker- the only light came from the stars and crescent moon shining high above.

“Scyther?” Bladewing mumbled, and Psychic could see his eyes drooping in the semidarkness.

“Yeah, let’s just stop here and rest, just…for…a little…while…” Psychic yawned, half-collapsing on the grassy ground, the Scyther following suit. They were asleep within seconds.



“Mariiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiia, I just met a girl named Mariiiiiia,” Psychic sang loudly, her voice carrying throughout the theatre even without the microphone. The audience was watching her attentively, wide-eyed and in awe. She smiled as she continued singing.

“And suddenly that name, will never be the same to meeeeeee!
Maria, say it loud and there’s music playing.
Say it soft and it’s almost like praying.” Her voice lowered quietly as she got near the end.

“Maria,
I’ll never stop singing,
Maaaaaariiiiiiii-AHHHHHH!” she screamed suddenly, looking down to see that she was no longer wearing any clothing! Then an audience member booed and threw a shoe at the stage, which hit Psychic square in the head. Suddenly, a Donphan crashed through a wall, and it started raining carrots…



Psychic’s eyes snapped open to see a large blue figure standing over her. It had a huge mouth which was opened wide, and it was flapping huge, leathery purple wings to stay in the air. However, its eyes were a funny red colour, and she couldn’t tear her eyes away from them. Her eyes widened, her head drooping to one side as she stared at the Golbat. Her eyes started to lose their focus and the figure of the bat Pokémon blurred. She got suddenly to her feet, not understand why, and stood, swaying drunkenly, but she noticed something clasped in the Golbat’s claw- something long and metal, like a-

“Flashlight,” Psychic croaked, blinking rapidly, still swaying. “Has flashlight it ours!” Wow, her words were coming out all funny. Was this what it was like to be drunk? The world was spinning around her, and all she could tell was that it was still night-time. Oh, wait a second-

“Scyther!” the mantis cried, flying at the bat and swinging his scythes madly. The Golbat hadn’t anticipated the attack and was caught completely off guard as a well aimed Fury Swipes hit it full-on. Scyther continued hacking away, each slash stronger in power than the last, creating long red marks across the Golbat’s blue body.

“Bat gol-bat!” the creature cried, pushing itself away from Bladewing and emitted a high-pitched scream from its throat. Psychic, still dazed but starting to regain control of her body covered her ears from the Screech attack, glancing at the Scyther who was keeling over, shaking his head as if trying to make the sound go away, but certainly not succeeding, Psychic guessed from the pained expression on his face.

Taking advantage of Bladewing’s state, the Golbat quit screeching and flew at him, wings glowing white, and hit the bug full-on with a Wing Attack, knocking the Scyther to the ground.

“Bladewing, watch out! This Golbat’s pretty angry with us! It used Confuse Ray on me in my sleep to disorient me, and it’ll do the same to you!”

“Scai!” Bladewing cried in response, getting up with his chest heaving, eyes wild.

“Use Focus Energy,” Psychic ordered seeing that her friend needed to remain calm for this battle, to which the Scyther nodded and closed his eyes, digging his scythes into the ground and rooting his feet firmly. The Golbat turned to look back at Bladewing and seemed to grin. The flashlight was still held firm in its claws. It started flying back at the mantis, mouth wide open in preparation for a Bite.

A moment before it was close enough to dig its long white fangs into Bladewing’s neck, Psychic shouted “Double Team!” and suddenly the Scyther seemed to split, and within a few seconds six Scyther were standing in a row, eyes still closed in concentration, all perfectly identical so the original was indistinguishable. The Golbat’s momentum, however, kept carrying it, and going with it the bat Pokémon flew right through one of the copies, mouth still open wide just in case, making it disappear.

“Beautiful!” Psychic cried, admiring the way the light of the moon and stars reflected off the armor of the five remaining Scyther. “Now, use Air Slash!”

Simultaneously, all five opened their filmy wings and began beating them furiously, lifting off the ground to fly straight at the Golbat. Frozen by fear by the five sets of blades raised at it, the Pokémon didn’t have enough time to react and fly away and so was harshly sliced up by the aerial attack.

“Bat!” it cried in dismay, eyes wide in fear. It had picked the wrong Scyther to mess with, and it knew it.

“One more attack, Bladewing: False Swipe!” Psychic called triumphantly, making sure the last attack wouldn’t leave it hurt too badly.

All five Scyther nodded, raising their scythes one last time. They flew at the Golbat, who, though was still beating its wings to stay airborne seemed to have given up, staring in horror at the scythes which were slightly glowing in a red-orange colour. At the last moment before contact, all the copies joined up and the real Bladewing was the only one who raised his gleaming scythe to make the slash, leaving a pulsating red-and-orange scrape on the bat’s body.

“Oh!” As if suddenly remembering something, Psychic unhooked a red and white sphere from the belt around her waist, throwing it at the wounded Golbat. The Pokéball enveloped the bat Pokémon in a beam of white light, sucking it in and falling onto the grassy ground with a light thump, the flashlight that it had been holding in its claws landing next to it. The ball shook violently.





Part One and Two ready to grade. Part Three is currently being written.

Pokémon Trying For: Golbat
Difficulty Level: Hard
Length (parts One and Two): 28,000 (with spaces)
Pages (parts One and Two): ten

Also, please don't hesitate to make the review long: I prefer longer reviews that actually help me and tell me what I can do to improve.
__________________
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Pokéthon is a new sub-event at Otakuthon, an animé convention in Montreal, Quebec! We hope to see you there!

Last edited by Psychic; 08-26-2007 at 10:51 PM.
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  #3  
Old 07-30-2007, 12:22 AM
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Default Re: What They DIDN'T Tell You In The Brochure (for Summer Competition)

Okie dokie

Story/Plot: This is a very surprising story coming from someone new. Most of the stories I've read where it was the writer's first time were...well...not like this. XD It's obvious that you know your way around grammar and are very familiar with writing, and it shows in your work. The plot was creative; taking an in-game storyline and changing it into a more in-depth mystery of sorts. You also were sure to include vivid details describing everything that you saw. A very excellent start for a newer member.

You have a lot of potential, and I could see you doing a bit more with this. You could add in some more skull-scratching twists to really make it interesting in my opinion (Not sure what you have planned for Part Three though). The story as a whole was very well-written, but to be honest , some moments along the way were quite dull and sometimes lost my focus. There are circumstances where you can word things differently to make them more captivating, or simply adding in some comic relief can be a big help as well. Like, oh let's see... supposed we were trying to describe an old tree- "The branches on the old tree hung brittlely toward the ground." <- Near boring. Yes we have adjectives, but with the right words the sentence could be much more appealing- "Decaying with time, the ancient tree curled its finger-like branches toward the earth like an arthritis-inflicted hand." Much more interesting, uh? Metaphors and similes are gold in writing. They paint a visual picture that allows the reader to see exactly what you are getting at. Plus, they will most likely lengthen your word count. Bonus?

Grammar/Spelling:
Very good. There were so few flaws that I couldn't even find one or two mistakes I saw along the way. A couple confusing fragments, but I doubt they were done intentionally. I was also surprised that you had the correct dialogue form as well. That's the most common error I see, and it's nice to not have to explain it. ;P

Quote:
Simultaneously all five opened their filmy wings and began beating them furiously, lifting off the ground to fly straight at the Golbat.
Should be a comma after Simultaneously.

Geez, you make it so hard to critique. XD

Detail/Description: I could see more here, but then again, I say that to everyone. :P This is one of the most important areas in my opinion. Detail draws your reader in and keeps them there. Everywhere you can see something else described, don't hesitate to add it in. Nine times out of ten, it will have improved it. You had much more detail than the average writer here anyways, so nothing to stress over.

Length: Ah, an over-achiever. ;P The majority tend to write just up to the minimum and then quit. Try not to focus too much on making your story long enough, because it varies from story to story. Someone could write 50k and still be unable to catch a Psyduck if the story was horrible enough. ^^; Quality is far more important, so if your writing is great, you'll do perfectly fine.

Battle: A bit short considering what it followed. It was fine though. You remembered to capitalize all of the attacks (A+) and you made it pretty two-sided which is another plus. Again, much more detail could happen here. Try including the Pokemon's mood in the fight. Like "Scyther raged in fury as its impatience drove the Golbat to attempt another attack." Haha, I'm sure you could find a better way to put it, but emotion does a lot for visuals as well; not just what the attack looks like. Try using some of the surrounding as well. Did dust fly up? Was mud splattering the two?

Also, I noticed that Natu used Future Sight toward the middle of the story, yet the attack never actually came in the future. Is there a reason for that, or was it attacking the past or something? Just curious.

Outcome: A perfect ending for the creature. Golbat captured! Great work; especially considering the fact that this is your first URPG story. Very impressive. I hoped my advice helped you some, and keep writing! <3
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Last edited by EmBreon; 07-31-2007 at 02:55 AM.
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  #4  
Old 07-31-2007, 04:17 AM
Psychic Offline
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Default Re: What They DIDN'T Tell You In The Brochure (for Summer Competition)

DECENT CRIT! CRITCRITCRITCRITCRITCRITCRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITICISM MMMMM! *bounces off the walls in excitement*

Damn I love good reviews. I think I'll be writing a lot more of these in the future. :D

Anyhow, I'd just like to reply to a few things because I always feel the need to do so.


Firstly, while I am a new member here I've been writing for quite some time, not to mention reviewing which in turn helps out with the writing bit, too. I knew I didn't want something ordinary for my story, and realized that since the first Pokémon I wanted to catch in the URPG resides mainly in the strange and mysterious Ruins of Alph, I had to go somewhere most other people haven't gone. However in regards to the length, I was quick to realize that if I wanted this particular capture in this particular place, it might end up being...long. I honestly didn't mean for it to be so long, as the Pokémon I originally wanted was only of a Medium level, so then realizing that I potentially had the length for it, I went for the Golbat first. If I hadn't been so obsessed with this, it'd be much shorter and there would be no Golbat. ^^;

I'll have to admit that some parts were just dull, and there's no use trying to cover it up. Most of those parts were "important plot-related scenes" where I just had to get the characters to explain things while others were trying to show a constant transition between action and dull tunnel-wandering. D:
In any case, you've got great suggestions about livening up the descriptive language which I intend to take to heart, because I'd like to up my dialogue to make the description a bit more lively in the future. I considered putting in some comical lines, but I'm never very good at comic relief, which is clear because I did try to put in a few chuckle-inducing lines. Guess I need to work on that bit some more. >>

For the battle; yeah, looking back it does seem a little short, and I will definitely consider adding in more emotion in the future, because usually I'm good at that stuff and looking back, the battle did seem to be less gripping than I had hoped. ...then again, it was only meant to be Psychic and Bladewing fighting off annoying pests with no intention of capture. :S


As for Part Three? So far it's somewhere in the middle, and I wouldn't exactly say it's full of plot twists. I kinda suck at plot twists. OH NO, THE NATU IS PSYCHIC'S BROTHER'S AUNT'S NEIGHBOUR TURNED INTO A PSYCHOTIC KILLING MACHINE!
...Or not. :O



Aaaaaaanyways, YAY I PASSED! GOOOOOOOOLBAT! Miiiiiiiine. :D
Thank you SO much for the lovely review/grade, and for the lovely flying rodent - I mean Golbat. Yes. FWEEE!

~Psychic
PS: oh, and I fixed the mistake you pointing out. o_.
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Last edited by Psychic; 07-31-2007 at 04:21 AM.
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  #5  
Old 08-07-2007, 03:39 AM
Psychic Offline
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Default Part Three: E-S-C-A-P-E

Part Three: E-S-C-A-P-E


Psychic and Bladewing continued along the formerly dark and light-less underground tunnels, a flashlight in the teen’s sweaty hand lighting up the passageway so they could see a good few feet in front of them. Every once in awhile Psychic pulled out the map and checked it with the flashlight, but since the tunnels had been undiscovered up till now they were in unmarked territory, so the two were going based off where they merely assumed themselves to be and headed in what they hoped was the direction of the exit to the ruins.

“Well, at least we have the flashlight back,” Psychic muttered, putting the map away once again as they walked through the tunnels.

“Scai-scyther, ther scai-ther,” Bladewing piped up tiredly.

“Yes, not bumping into things really does make things a lot more pleasant.” Psychic smiled at her companion, who smiled meekly back, though it came off as somewhat intimidating on his pointed reptilian face. “Though it’d be nice if I could put the thoughts of that Natu out of my head. That bird was awfully creepy, and I can’t help but get the impression that-”

“SCAI-THER!” Bladewing suddenly cried out, throwing himself at his trainer and consequently knocking her to the ground with a rough thud, her head spinning as it hit the rocky floor.

“WHA-” she screeched, thrusting her head to look up. Right where her head had been moments before tendrils of shadowy energy were shooting through the air, twisting as they ran down the tunnel at head level.

“Night Shade!” she hissed angrily, squirming from underneath the weight of the Scyther’s plated form. “Should have known! It’s that crazy Natu again!”

“Ther!” Bladewing yelled, hopping to his feet in a defensive stance, scythes at the ready and eyes darting about for the source of the attack.

Psychic struggled to her feet after him, pointing the flashlight around to look for the crazy bird. When the light touched a light green speck hovering in the air not too far down the tunnel, the girl didn’t hesitate to react. “Bladewing, Night Slash!” she commanded, pointing at the Natu.

Immediately the Scyther began glowing with a soft, black light, a grin on his face, and faster than light can travel he launched himself at the psychic bird not far away. But it seemed that before his feet even pushed off the ground to propel him through the air the Natu’s form shimmered and, using Teleport, disappeared completely from sight. Bladewing resisted the urge to cry out in surprise and frustration as his momentum kept him going, but he slowed down significantly as he pulled out his wings to slow himself down. He stopped glowing and turned around, flying back to his trainer who was careful to keep the glare from the flashlight from blinding her friend in the darkness.

“Well, now we know that the thing can Teleport underground,” Psychic said with a groan, slumping to the ground. Bladewing didn’t reply, a dark look on his face and his breathing heavy.

“You’ve been through a lot- we need a Pokémon Center. Or at least a decent night’s sleep,” she observed in a mutter, looking about. Psychic then pulled the map out once again and hoped that the two were where she hoped they were- west of the second main Ruin.

“Let’s keep going. If we don’t find the exit, at the very least maybe we’ll find another one of those courtyards where we can try sleep…again.” Bladewing nodded his acceptance of the plan, knowing there weren’t really any other options and not bothering to even mention that he wished that Psychic had bought a few Potions in advance.



“I cannot believe this. No freaking way,” Psychic groaned as they exited the tunnel into the chilly morning air, the sky painted orange and pink and speckled with clouds as the sun was just rising over the distant mountains. However it wasn’t the cool, sharp breeze that the teen was groaning about.

“Scai, scai-scyther, scyther-scai,” Bladewing ventured, little to no hope in his voice.

“No, I’m pretty sure this is the same courtyard we tried to sleep in. DAMN ALL.” Psychic flopped onto the grass on her stomach, wet with morning dew, not even caring that it was soaking her shirt as she plunged her face into the wetness.

“We must’ve taken the wrong turn when the tunnel branched out,” Psychic said miserably, her voice muffled by the long grass. Bladewing made a face at her, and as if knowing what he was about to say she shook her head, making the grass around it shake. “Yes I’m sure.”

“Ther, scai ther, scai.”

“Hopefully.”

“Scai-scyher, ther scai.”

“I suppose we do, don’t we?” Psychic lifted her head up, blades of grass sticking to her pale skin as she lifted herself to her feet. She peeled it off and brushed herself off as she faced her companion. “I-”

“TU!” The screech almost made Psychic want to run for the hills.

She whirled around to see the Natu from before standing patiently on the ground, eyes wide and hazy, staring straight at her but not AT her; more like past her, through her. It wasn’t moving, not blinking, barely even breathing. Psychic’s heart was pounding.

“Look, we mean you no harm!” she cried desperately, raising her hands palms forward in the universal sign. The Pokémon didn’t move, didn’t even acknowledge the gesture- it just kaep staring. “All we want to do is get out of here, okay? We don’t want to bother you – or any other Pokémon for that matter – and really just want to leave,” Psychic said carefully, thinking back to the Golbat.

“Ther scai-ther,” Bladewing agreed.

“So please…just let us go. Stop trying to kill us and we won’t lay a finger – or scythe- on you. Please,” she pleaded, trying to sound reasonable.

For a moment there was silence. Complete, utter silence in the cold morning, save a small, gentle breeze. It tickled the teen’s skin for a moment, then began picking up her hair as it became stronger. With every moment the breeze grew and strengthened, ruffling Psychic’s clothing and soon whipping her as it gained momentum. Soon she had to hold her arm to her face to keep the wind from stinging her eyes, nose and mouth. Chancing a glance at Bladewing, Psychic saw the mantis was doing the same, bracing his clawed feet into the ground, pinning his thin wings to his back to keep them from snapping open and shielding his face with his scythes.

Psychic looked back at the Natu frantically. It was now in the air, hovering there with its red and yellow wings outstretched but not at all flapping. Its eyes were closed peacefully and it was glowing an eerie dark purple colour. Psychic would bet everything she owned that it was the bird who was controlling the wind. It had to be an attack, but which one? She clenched her teeth and tried to concentrate, but the sound of rushing wind in her ears was increasing and the sound was almost deafening.

“SCAI SCYTHER SCAI-THER!” Bladewing cried to the teen.

“WHAT!?! IT LEARNS THAT!?!” Psychic screeched in disbelief, her hair completely uncontrollable as it flew into her eyes and mouth. “DAMN! MAKE A BREAK FOR IT!” And in one instant she snapped her hands down and began running like the Houndoom of Hell were on her tail, trying to maintain her balance as the winds practically threw her off her feet, tears streaming down her face. Bladewing wasn’t far behind, his wings still flat to his back as the two dashed for the other tunnel entrance. Just as it seemed to darken outside, as if the shadows from everything nearby were creeping up off the ground to reach out and grab them, the two made a leap for the entrance, and managed to get in just in time…



“Do you think that Natu understood English?” Psychic asked as she and Bladewing continued along the underground passageway. As she spoke she tapped the flashlight against the palm of her hand, which was dimming and flickering on and off randomly, causing the shadows to dance eerily. It had probably been damaged during their Natu encounter.

“Scai,” he replied with a shrug of his plated shoulders.

”I mean, why else wouldn’t it have backed down?” Psychic said distractedly, still tapping their only source of light. “And it must’ve seen that we weren’t attacking it, and my we-come-in-peace gesture. Unless…” Psychic suddenly stopped walking and the flashlight paused just as it was about to make contact with her hand.

“Ther?” Bladewing asked, stopping next to her.

“It could be blind,” she mumbled, looking thoughtful.

“Scai,” the mantis said with a roll of his eyes. “Ther, scyther scai, ther.”

“True, true. But…well…whatever.” The teen began walking again, now at a quicker pace, her mind lost in thought. She absent-mindedly pointed the flashlight in front of her to guide the two, no longer seeming to care that the light was now wavering even more erratically than before. Bladewing shook his head, but caught up and matched Psychic’s step with ease.

When the flashlight completely turned off not long after, Psychic stopped. She looked down and blinked at the place she assume her hand to be, taking a moment to realize that they were once again without light. She blinked again. Slowly she seemed to come out of her intense train of thought.

“Oh. Well hm, then. Looks like we’ll just have to keep going.” And with that she began walking once again, a bit less quickly than before and less engrossed in her thoughts. Bladewing sighed and wondered if the dust was starting to get to his trainer’s head.

The amount of time that the duo wandered through the tunnel was once again indistinguishable. Neither spoke a word as they wandered alone, each lost in their own thoughts, the only sound being the echoing of shoes and claws making contact with the rocky ground.

The first time either of them spoke for this undeterminable amount of time was when Bladewing stopped and held his scythe out in front of Psychic to stop her. “Scai,” he warned.

The teen froze. When a ninja-like mantis with blades for arms tells you to stop, you stop. “What is it?” she asked warily, perking her ears to listen closely- had he heard something?

“Ther,” he replied, and Psychic could hear him leaning down on the ground. Psychic joined him.

“What do you mean?” she asked, a bit of an edge in her voice, which she had quieted to a whisper for a reason she didn’t understand.

“Scai-ther, scai, scyther.” Bladewing began scraping the sole of his clawed foot across the floor.

Without a word Psychic ran her hand along the ground, and automatically her eyes widened. “Cracks,” she breathed, continuing to feel the breaks in the ground. She checked behind her- the ground was the same. Fear began to rise up in her chest, and she completely froze, her body stiff.

“We can’t stay here. Bladewing, would you be able to fly me across this area on your back?” Her voice was ragged and shaking, her eyes darting about even though she couldn’t see a thing.

“Ther, scai,” he replied, sounding less scared than she, but she could tell that he was hiding what she knew was there.

Psychic bit her lip. “True- we have no idea where this began or where it ends. Oh dear Mew…”

“Scyther, scai-ther, scai. Ther,” he said carefully.

“Yes, we’d be better off-” she automatically stopped. The ground underneath them was trembling ever so slightly. She thought she could hear something breaking, and the sound of moving sand- bits of sand falling between the cracks.

“Oh…no.” “Ther.

And all at once, the floor broke, and the two began plummeting down along with huge chunks of rock.

The two screamed.

They tumbled head over heels in total darkness, only able to tell that they were falling because of the constant whooshing sound and their hearts were in their throats.

Suddenly, the air felt different, funny as they fell. Something rocky brushed Psychic’s fingertips, and it took her about two seconds to figure out what it was.

A huge hunk of floor was falling right on top of them, inches away! Psychic’s eyes widened in terror and she screamed even louder- they were going to get crushed! The rocky piece was dropping faster by the second until it was practically on the pair, seeming to push them now, and Psychic couldn’t help but find it strange; she thought that if anything, the Natu would be the one to kill them, not a chunk of floor. And she wondered if this would be her last thought ever as they plummeted down, down, down-

Time froze. Psychic was no longer falling. In fact, she felt herself cease to be. Was this death?

Then, she was.

Suspended in midair.

In a brightly-lit chamber.

With no falling rocks.

Then she dropped onto the floor. It was a three foot fall, and though it wasn’t hard, it still hurt some, and sent dust spiraling into the air. Psychic coughed. She looked around to see Bladewing next to her, also lying on the floor. His eyes were darting about carefully, then stopped to meet hers. He smiled. She knew what he was thinking.

“Wow,” she said quietly, the word coming out in a croak.

The mantis smiled again, slowly getting to his feet. Psychic followed suite.

The two looked around; they were in a chamber of sorts, large and perfectly square. Multiple torches hung on the walls, the fires they created providing the light in the chamber, causing shadows created by the brackets and those in the corners to flicker and dance eerily. It was large, the ceiling high up but not impossible to see- the two noted that it bore no gaping holes, so they had not fallen through it.

“Bladewing,” she said tensely, turning to her companion with a worried look.

“Scyther,” he replied, shaking his head.

“Natu,” said another voice, sounding perfectly calm.

The two whirled to see the little green psychic bird standing on the rocky floor, a small smile on its beak.

Psychic blinked. “Indeed.” Her expression hardened and a strong look of determination came across her face, her teeth clenching and her hands balling into fists. “No more running.”

“Uuuuuunooown.” The soft words were sung out gently. Slowly, as if emerging from the walls themselves, a group of tiny black figures appeared, each with many stick-like limbs branching out from an eyeball in the center.

“Uuuuuunooown,” they chanted eerily, coming to stand unmoving by the walls, watching intently, the dancing light of the flames reflecting off their dark bodies.

“Na.” The psychic seemed unfazed by the little creatures, though Psychic and Bladewing glanced nervously at them, having never seen such odd creatures. Psychic gulped and continued, the hard look returning to her face even with the chanting in the background.

“You want us out? Well, we can’t leave.”

“Scai, scyther scai-scai, scyther scai-ther.”

“Exactly. Let’s end this crazy game of Persian and Rattata. Bladewing, let’s do this. Agility!”
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Last edited by Psychic; 08-07-2007 at 03:49 AM.
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  #6  
Old 08-07-2007, 03:41 AM
Psychic Offline
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Default Part Three: E-S-C-A-P-E

The Scyther got into a defensive crouching position with his scythes crossed in front of him, then with a grin launched himself into the air to fly right at the Natu. The bird, with glazed-over eyes took to the air with a few strokes of its tiny wings and easily sidestepped to avoid impact. However Bladewing hadn’t been aiming for the bird and continued zooming around the cavern, a blazing trail of white light following him. Sometimes he would turn to head right for the Natu, but it always flew out of the way with ease. When Bladewing finally came to a halt at the other side of the room, the light had completely enveloped his body, but died as he came to a stop, his wings still buzzing with excitement. His eyes seemed to have a certain gleam to them- determination, anticipation; he was excited to finally face this foe, it was clear as he stared at the bird, searching for any weak spots he could use.

“Slash, now!” Psychic shouted, and immediately Bladewing flew at the Natu, scythes raised as he readied for the attack, the blades gleaming in the firelight.

“Tu!” it yelled, a dark purple flash of light appearing between the two with distracting sparkling little lights inside.

“Don’t look at the light! It’s a Confuse Ray!” she cried desperately, recognizing the attack as the one the Golbat had used on her before. The attack caught the mantis off guard and it temporarily blinded him, letting out an angry “Scai!” Immediately Bladewing squeezed his eyes shut, but kept going and the Natu didn’t have time to dodge, even though the attack wasn’t properly aimed, so the bird received a long scratch on its side as the Scyther flew past it.

He slowed the beating of his wings and came to a stop, sending bits of dust airborne as he landed, blinking rapidly and swaying slightly on his feet; the attack had created the desired confused status. The Natu took this opportunity and quickly send tendrils of shadows shooting towards Bladewing’s form, and though he tried to dodge it, his confusion overtook him and the Night Shade hit him square in the chest, temporarily winding the mantis Pokémon. He dug his scythe into the rocky ground, using it to support himself as he tried to catch his breath and shake his head as if trying to rid himself of the status condition.

And still, the creatures chanted. “Uuuuuunooown.”

“Bladewing, snap out of it!” his trainer called desperately, ignoring the Unown and noticing that the Natu was beginning to glow eerily. “Don’t give it time to use Future Sight or Ominous Wind again; Night Slash!”

Bladewing shook his head in an attempt to clear his mind, closing his eyes in concentration. A black aura surrounded the bug, though the glow was uneven and shimmered somewhat as he tried to deal with his confusion. Luckily his speed gain was on his side, and just as a light breeze was beginning to pick up in the chamber the Scyther launched himself at the Natu and brought his scythe down in a powerful sweeping motion full of dark energy which hit the bird full-on.

“TU!” it screamed in pain, shuddering.

“We almost have it! Wing Attack!”

Bladewing nodded, but before he began the attack he promptly dropped to his knees and smashed his reptilian head against the floor, a deranged expression on his face. The girl winced as she saw her best friend beat himself up and let out a groan, as if she too was experiencing the pain.

“Na!” the opponent chirped merrily, and without a moment’s hesitation used Teleport to disappear for a moment, then reappear in a far side of the room far from the self-mutilating Scyther. “Tuuuuuu,” it murmured, and Psychic watched in horror as a tiny yellow star appeared in the air above the bird’s head, twinkling for a moment before disappearing.

“Wish,” she muttered, heat rising to her face. “Bladewing, you have to snap out of this! It’s going to restore health!” she cried urgently in her attempt to help her friend.

“Scai?” he paused for a moment, looking up at his trainer with a puzzled expression on his face.

“Come on, clear your mind! Use…ah…Swords Dance!” she yelled. When the Scyther blinked in confusion, she tried to demonstrate by swinging her arms around in a meek imitation of the attack.

“Theeeeeer,” he said, not unlike an “ohhhhhh” of understanding. Shakily he got to his feet, raising his scythes. Suddenly a strong look of determination and understanding crossed his face, and he began swinging his scythes, up down, across, in arcs, slashes, slowly starting to move his feet as well as he began a dance to raise his attack. He continued doing this, becoming graceful, his movements flowing perfectly. Then just as Psychic thought he was rid of his confusion, Bladewing suddenly smacked himself in the face with his scythe and even though it wasn’t enough to knock him out, he fell backwards onto the ground.

Um…well, at least his attack is stronger. I think, Psychic thought to herself, sweatdropping at the sight of the fallen Scyther, eyes closed. “Oh, no…Bladewing…get up, please get up…” had he really fainted this easily? The girl’s eyes widened in fright.

“Uuuuuunooown.”

At the other end of the cavern the Natu was being enveloped in a warm yellow glow- the sign that its wish was being granted. Psychic watched in horror as the wounds Bladewing had inflicted disappeared, and it seemed to gain back energy as it regained health.

“Scai.” Bladewing’s eyes suddenly snapped open, wide, ready, alert. He jumped to his feet, getting into a ready position, scythes raised. He glanced at Psychic, giving her a wink; he was okay. She let out a happy sigh of relief, feeling as if she had been anxiously holding her breath for ages.

“Right. Now, X-scissor!” Psychic shouted, to which Bladewing gave a curt nod. With a smug grin on his face he beat his filmy wings, taking to the air in moments. With his added speed from before he zoomed through the air straight at the Natu, who didn’t have time to react as the mantis brought both his scythes down at once, crossing them so the two slashes were in an ‘x’ shape.

“TU!” The Natu screeched in pain as the type weakness took its toll on the psychic Pokémon. ‘NATU!” it cried, and immediately began glowing light blue. Its eyes began glowing the same colour, and it stopped beating its wings, floating in the air merely using its psychic powers.

“SCAI!” Bladewing suddenly cried as he too was surrounded in a light blue aura, his body tensing up as he was frozen, suspended in mid-air, able to move nothing but his eyes, which were wide in shock. Suddenly the glow turned a violent shade of lavender, and he cried out in great pain.

“It’s Psychic!” yelled the trainer, eyes widening in fear as she recognized the attack as one of the most powerful there were. “Bladewing, hang in there! Psychic can only be used for a short period of time! Focus yourself, and use Wing Attack the first chance you get!”

“Sc…ai…” her companion tried to say, gritting his teeth as his mind was attacked ferociously, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to concentrate. It was agonizing to watch her friend endure such pain, and the seconds seemed to drag on and it seemed like the attack would never end. But eventually the glow began to fade, and before the cyan aura had even completely disappeared, Bladewing’s armor shifted, his wings buzzed weakly, and for a moment Psychic thought her friend wouldn’t be able to pull it off, but once again the mantis Pokémon managed to surprise his trainer, and he launched himself at the Natu, wings glowing white, and hit the bird full-on while it was trying to catch its breath after summoning so much psychic energy.

And still, the singing continued, eerie and haunting. “Uuuuuunooown.”

“Natu!” it cried as the much larger mantis sent it flying backwards. “Tu na-tu!” When it stopped, it began beating its wings furiously, glaring angrily at the Scyther.

“Bladewing, before it uses Teleport to get away again! Finish it off with Pursuit!” Psychic’s knuckles became white as she clenched he fists, leaning forward eagerly, knowing the battle was almost won.

“Scai!”

“Tu!”

The Scyther moved so fast that Psychic hadn’t even seen it. The Natu was beginning to fade away, but before it could completely disappear Bladewing rammed into it with a huge amount of power. The bird let out a squawk of dismay as it felt the impact of the Dark-type attack and went sent tumbling onto the rocky ground. It lay still and didn’t move.

The Natu had been defeated at last.

Psychic let out a sigh and let all her muscles untense. “Bladewing…”

The Scyther landed on the ground in front of the fallen bird, shaking his head wordlessly, and said something to the unconscious creature the trainer couldn’t make out. He then turned and walked to his friend, a small smile playing across his reptilian face.

“You did an amazing job,” Psychic said quietly as he approached, putting a hand on his smooth plated shoulder. He looked ragged and worn, but content with himself. He nodded to her, and she knew that this meant that she had done the same. Psychic smiled softly.

“Thank you, my friend. Now…” her voice trailed off as suddenly she caught sight of something. At the other end of the chamber was a tunnel. On the right side, hanging off hooks at hip level was a long length of rope, which glowed a light green colour. The tunnel was lined with Escape Rope. They had not noticed it before

“Let’s go.” Psychic smiled, and the two began walking toward the marked exit, relieved to see that they had found a way out at last.

“Scai?” Bladewing suddenly said quietly, stopping. Psychic turned around to see that he was pointing his scythe at the ground, where something was carved into the ground and filled with black ink. The word was not English, but she recognized it as the language from before which she had translated with the key on the map, the letters similar to the English alphabet but not quite.

“’Sakes,’” She read the single word, not quite understanding what it meant.

Bladewing shook his head, and motioned to the rest of the room with his scythe, and Psychic then realized that the words were carved into the floor all across the room and took up most of it.

“’Our words shall remain here for the ages,’” she began from the beginning, reading slowly and carefully, completely mystified. “’Thus we shall erect a Pokémon statue outside. They possess great insight and refuse the outside world. We humans must learn to walk in harmony with them. We depart for their sakes.’” Psychic bit her lower lip, feeling something heavy on her heart. It was so…touching, how some people realized how precious Pokémon were. She looked at her companion, standing straight and proud, scythes gleaming in the firelight and smiled: he was such a wonderful friend. Ever since they had first met they had shared a close bond, one she wouldn’t give up for the world.

“Scai,” he said gently, then gestured to the fallen Natu. Psychic’s eyes widened.

“Uuuuuunooown.” The soft words were ever-present. The tiny black forms who had before stood by the walls were approaching the psychic bird. They slowly circled around the fallen Pokémon, standing on stick-like limbs that formed shapes not unlike the markings on the floor.

“Let’s…go,” Psychic said quietly, eyes softening at the sight of the gathered Pokémon. She felt that she was disturbing the psychic Pokémon, somehow, as if she didn’t belong, like she was intruding on something special or private. Bladewing nodded wordlessly and the two turned, continuing to head for the passageway.

Once inside, they kept the fire-lit room to their backs and kept going. However before they had gone far, they heard something that gave them goose bumps.

“Unown.” The two turned around and saw one of the black psychic Pokémon standing, staring at them with one huge eye. It had one limb starting at its bottom, going down to split into two leg-like limbs which it walked on, with one more growing on the right about halfway down the shaft. Another limb stuck out on its right and created an upside-down triangle. In all, it was reminiscent of the letter ‘F.’

“’F.’ That stands for…’find,’” Psychic said quietly, completely mistified.

“Friend.” The word appeared in her mind, as if spoken, but not heard with her ears. The voice was neither young nor old, male nor female and didn’t contain any single emotion, but it seemed to be full of many emotions, and carry wisdom and strength. Psychic looked down at the Pokémon, Unown, and knew that it was this creature who had spoken.

“Find friend,” it continued, staring straight at the two with its single eye that seemed to bore holes into them. ”Friend.” It pointed at the teen’s waist.

Then Psychic could have sworn that it smiled before closing its eye and sending multiple balls of energy shooting out of its body in multiple directions, all at the same level spreading out in a circle.

“Ack! Hidden Power!” Psychic cried, running to hide behind a large boulder, the mantis following.

“Um, well, this is um, interesting. Seems most Pokémon are out to get us, and for no apparent reason, no doubt,” Psychic said somewhat shakily as they took refuge from the attack. “Hey, that reminds me; Nightfang! Think she’ll be willing to obey so soon?”

“Scai?” Bladewing cocked his head to the side, then appeared somewhat agitated. “Scai-scyther, scyther scai.”

“I’m not saying that! But you’ve just been doing a lot of battling without rest lately, so maybe you should let her do it instead,” Psychic said, trying to sound reasonable.

The Scyther shook his head in a “do whatever the hell you want” way, and Psychic merely shrugged and sighed. Males- too stuck up for their own good. Unhooking the newly-occupied Pokéball from her belt, Psychic threw the sphere into the air, which hit the ground and popped open on impact. The shape of the Golbat from before appeared in a blast of light, letting out a “Gol!” as she spread her wings and bared her fangs.

“Well, Nightfang, here we are. Your first foe may not look like much, but it’s got a type advantage against you that will prove tough. Think you can handle it?” the trainer asked, putting her hands on her hips.

“BAT!” As if the answer was simpler than two plus two the Golbat took to the air and flew onto the rock, which she landed on with fangs bared. Psychic came out from behind it, Bladewing following behind, and the three faced the Unown.

“Friends,” said the psychic Pokémon in their minds once more. Nightfang seemed confused by this, taking a moment to realize that it was the Unown who had said it. She shook her huge head.

The Unown sent another Hidden Power their way, and all three had to duck or jump to the side to avoid getting hit by the black, purple and yellow balls of energy.

“Nightfang, let’s start this off with Astonish!” Psychic commanded.

Nightfang hesitated at first, seemingly not sure if the girl’s word could be trusted. But she went with it anyway, glowing with an eerie purple aura before pushing off the rock and gliding through the air, slamming right into the opponent.

“Nown!” it cried, freezing up and shuddering.

“Flinch! Now quick, before it can use its attack: Air Cutter!”

“Bat!” She nodded as she flapped her wings to stay airborne, then with her leathery wings she made slicing motions through the air. This slashing motion’s momentum kept them going, eventually hitting the Unown who once again cried out in pain. However this time it looked up defiantly and let loose another Hidden Power immediately. The attack caught Nightfang off guard, and one of the spheres hit her dead-on.

“GOL-BAT!” she screamed, the psychic attack proving fatal for the part poison type.

“Nightfang! Are you all right?” Psychic called urgently. The Golbat shook herself as if to rid herself of the terrible memory of the attack, then shouted “Gol!” in reply.

“Right, you can’t take too much of this, so we have to end it real fast! Go in for a Bite!”

“Bat gol-bat!” she cried, then with a swift beat of her wings flew at the Unown. It quickly sent out another Hidden Power, the multicoloured orbs flying fast.

“SCAI-THER!” Bladewing cried urgently. Obeying his advice Nightfang dropped down to duck the incoming sphere, nimbly avoiding it as it passed just over her head. The bat kept going and when she got to the Unown, she opened her mouth wide and clamped down on the psychic.

“Nown!” it cried weakly as it was caught in her fangs, sending out another Hidden Power. This time two spheres hit her; one in the face and another hitting her wing. She screeched angrily, squeezing her eyes shut as the type disadvantage did its work.

“Leech Life!” Psychic shouted urgently, hoping that this would help her regain some health.

Nightfang nodded weakly, eyes still shut, and began concentrating. Slowly but surely, a few green specks of energy emerged from Unown’s body, floated over to the Golbat. She absorbed the psychic Pokémon’s health into her body, the moment she did she looked fresh and energized. The Unown, on the other hand, was left completely drained, and it fell back onto the rocky ground.

“Friend…” Psychic thought she heard the word in her mind, but wasn’t sure. Nightfang, seeing that her job was done, flew up to hang upside down from the ceiling of the passageway, staring intently at Psychic to see what her new trainer would do.

Psychic hesitated, her hand paused just by a spare Pokéball on her belt. She caught Bladewing’s eye, but he said nothing, standing unmoving, staring at the fallen psychic type. Not really sure why, Psychic finally took the ball off her belt.

“Pokéball…go,” she said quietly, tossing the ball at the Unown…



“Daylight! Fresh, sweet, wonderful daylight!” Psychic cried joyfully as she and Bladewing emerged from one of the main buildings of the Ruins into mid-day, the sun shining brightly overhead and a light breeze tickling dusty and dirty skin and armor.

“Scai!” Bladewing agreed, sounding tired but happy none-the-less, lifting his pointed head to allow the sun to warm it.

“Miss Psychic, Mister Scyther, thank Mew you’re alright!” Amy, the tour guide cried, running out of the little white building to meet them, looking relieved. “We had no idea where you’d gotten to! We were about ready to get in Rhydon search teams for you guys! What happened to you two?”

Psychic and Bladewing exchanged glances, and Psychic merely shrugged. “We’d prefer not to talk about it, really,” she said evasively.

“Scai-scyther, ther-scai scai ther,” Bladewing added shortly.

“I’m sorry, what?” Amy asked in confusion, not having understood the mantis, who frowned in agitation.

“We would just like to get going, if you don’t mind. We don’t really want to stay,” Psychic clarified. “Thank you anyway, Amy, for everything.” Psychic put the flashlight and map into the woman’s arms. “It was truly an…educating experience. Good bye.” And with that, the two headed for the archway marking the exit.

Just as they were about to pass through it, Psychic saw a green speck flutter and land on one of the gnarled branches of one of the trees that scraped the heavens. Without even thinking about it, the young girl unhooked a Pokéball from her belt and tossed it up at the speck, not daring to take her eyes off the road ahead as she and her loyal companion continued on to their next destination…





Pokémon Trying For: Unown and Natu
Difficulty Level: Simple and Medium respectively
Length (part Three): 33,000 (with spaces)
Pages (part Three): thirteen

So it's finally done. It's incrediblt long for no good reason, but it's a pretty easy read.
EmBreon should probably be the one to grade this since she's already read the rest of it.
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Last edited by Psychic; 08-13-2007 at 04:49 AM.
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Old 08-12-2007, 03:45 PM
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Default Re: What They DIDN'T Tell You In The Brochure (for Summer Competition)

I shall be grading this on Monday. So yeah. SAVED! lol

I will edit this post with my grade.

EDIT:

Here is my grade for you Psychic. Sorry I was late with it. :P

Story: Very well done. You kept me wanting to read more and more. I also thought that this was one of the more “original” idea’s brought out by a member. You weren’t just wandering around to locate a Pokemon, nothing happened in the area of Team Rocket or any of other the other teams causing trouble. You were just trying to get out of the Ruins of Alph while at the same time dealing with the problems that fell on you.

Speaking of the Ruins of Alph, I was very pleased that your story was about it. I haven’t read many stories that tell of someone even mentioning the Ruins of Alph let alone being there.

Spelling/Grammar: Very good. I spotted a few mistakes though.

Quote:
Bladewing resisted the urge to cry out in surprise and frustration as his momentum kept him going, but he slowed down significantly as he pulled out his wings to slow himself down.
The part I bolded has no spelling or grammar errors, but it sounded repetitive. Try to keep something from repeating itself unless it’s important information that HAS to be repeated.

Quote:
”Let’s keep going. If we don’t find the exit, at the very least maybe we’ll find another one of those courtyards where we can try sleep… again.”
You forgot to put the word ‘to’ in there. Nothing big.

Quote:
“Look, we mean you no harm!” she cried desperately, raising her hands palms forward in the universal sign. The Pokémon didn’t move, didn’t even acknowledge the gesture- it just kaep staring. “All we want to do is get out of here, okay? We don’t want to bother you – or any other Pokémon for that matter – and really just want to leave,” Psychic said carefully, thinking back to the Golbat.
The first bolded part is speeled wrong. It should be ‘kept’, not kaep.
The second bolded part was bolded because it sounded very confusing when I read it. I’m thinking that you should replace the ‘and’ with ‘we’ so it sounds better and flows more. I’m saying that because I had to read that certain sentence over a few times.

Quote:
He slowed the beating of his wings and came to a stop, sending bits of dust airborne as he landed, blinking rapidly and swaying slightly on his feet; the attack had created the desired confused status. The Natu took this opportunity and quickly send tendrils of shadows shooting towards Bladewing’s form, and though he tried to dodge it, his confusion overtook him and the Night Shade hit him square in the chest, temporarily winding the mantis Pokémon. He dug his scythe into the rocky ground, using it to support himself as he tried to catch his breath and shake his head as if trying to rid himself of the status condition.
The first bolded spot is a misspelled word. It should be ‘sent’ and not ‘send’.
The second bolded area has no spelling errors in it, but, where I have it underlined, I was thinking that you should have placed another coma there. The reason why is because if you read the entire bolded sentence, it sounds like a run on. But if you add the coma in between ‘head’ and ‘as’, it doesn’t (at least in my opinion it doesn’t).

Quote:
“Friend.” The word appeared in her mind, as if spoken, but not heard with her ears. The voice was neither young nor old, male nor female and didn’t contain any single emotion, but it seemed to be full of many emotions, and carry wisdom and strength. Psychic looked down at the Pokémon, Unown, and knew that it was this creature who had spoken.
The bolded sentence sounded like it was a run on. Maybe you should have stopped it after ‘emotion’, and then started a new sentence with ‘but’ being the first word.
Also, I underlined that part of the bolded sentence because the word ‘carry’ should be ‘carried’.

Those were the only things I spotted wrong in your story. Altogether, it isn’t anything major. Just a few misspelled words and grammar problems that were a bit confusing. Other then that, I couldn’t find anything else wrong.

Length: PERFECT! Nothing more can be said other then perfect.

Detail/Description: Excellent. Not only could I imagine what the Ruins of Alph looked like, but I could also feel the emotions of your characters.

The words you chose were perfect in every way. They made this story flow so much better as well as making me want to read more of it.

Quote:
“Friend.” The word appeared in her mind, as if spoken, but not heard with her ears. The voice was neither young nor old, male nor female and didn’t contain any single emotion, but it seemed to be full of many emotions, and carry wisdom and strength. Psychic looked down at the Pokémon, Unown, and knew that it was this creature who had spoken.
That part was my favorite. I just loved how you worded it.


Battle: Very creative. I liked how you used Unknown’s Hidden Power attack. You didn’t just make this Pokemon weak due to it having just one move. You made it fight back which I admire greatly. I especially loved that Unknown took out a lot of Golbat’s HP.

What I didn’t really like though, was that every attack you and the Unknown made hit. You probably should have had a few attacks miss the Pokemon they were directed towards to add a more ‘life like’ effect. That way it wouldn’t sound too gamish or quick paced.

The battle with Natu was very well done. It lasted long, and you didn’t put the fight in your favor.

I could tell that you worked hard on putting those two fights together. Very well done. Just make sure that in the future, not every single attack hits in your battles. Because not every attack does hit.

Outcome: Both Natu and Unknown CAPTURED. You worked hard on this and put a lot of effort into getting such small Pokemon. I can’t say ‘no’ to a job well done.

=^^= Nya
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Last edited by RocketMeowth; 08-16-2007 at 12:29 AM.
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