Sometimes things happen. Little things that you do without thinking and take half a second to happen, but the consequences last a lifetime and stick with you forever, and you want to just stop thinking about it, but you can’t.
It’s been a week now, and I just can’t make the horrible feelings go away. It’s all been pent up inside me like a dog on a chain, and all I want to do it let the poor thing free.
Writing is always the best way to channel your feelings and let others know how you feel, because right now, nobody seems to really understand.
Maybe some of you will. I hope so.
Please read on and tell me what you think.
If I Could Take It Back
I hate myself.
Why would I do such a thing?
How could I ever do something like this?
I’m such an idiot.
Why couldn’t I just control myself?!
How could I just let myself slip like that?
Something is wrong with me. With who I am.
I have no self-control.
I want to cry.
I am still blinded by my Rage attack even as I dash through the city. The pavement is white-hot under my scaled feel, which make a slapping sound that rings painfully in my ears every time they make contact. I see people turn to stare at me as a dash through; all humans, all wide-eyed, all surprised to see me without a trainer. But I am pushing my legs to go so fast that all they can really see is a blue, yellow and red blur.
My claws are now tights fists, my teeth are clenched and I try to ignore the bitter taste of blood in my mouth as I run as if chased by Hell’s Houndoom through the streets. The buildings, the multitudes of buildings that brutally pierce the sky seem to glare down at me, scrutinize me, because they are the witnesses, they know what I have done, and I feel disgusted all over again. Where is the exit? Where do all the huge buildings and incredulous humans end? My wide eyes dart about, searching, searching for any signs of a way out of this city…Goldenrod City, my Trainer had called it. Such a stupid name. All I can do is keep pressing south and hope I hit Route 34 soon, before-
“Snapper! Get the hell back here!” Oh dear Mew, no! Oh Mew, oh Mew, oh Mew, no! The voice is piercingly loud and shrill, one I have heard before, but never filled with as much anger and fury as now.
I hate that voice.
I know its owner now hates me too.
Not looking back, I push myself to go faster. I zigzag through the crowds of humans, some of them yelping, swiping and trying to grab me as I run through, but they are too slow. I’m not fast on land, but I am fast enough, thank Mew.
“Damn it, Snapper!” he shrieks, and I can hear that his voice is fainter- he is tiring, the gap between us is growing. I want the gap to stay that way forever.
I hate myself.
Night has fallen. Blessed night.
I am finally out of that accursed city. I never want to go back there as long as I live. No more cities; no more scrutinizing buildings or crowds of humans. If I ever see either of them ever again, it’ll be too soon.
If I could turn back time, like the legendary Celebi, I would just undo that one second, that one moment and make everything right again. But I can not.
I can never stare another human in the eyes, now.
What in Mew’s name have I done?
I hear a nearby whisper, quiet and gentle, waking me from a dreamless sleep. I open my eyes in the darkness, and at first see nothing but the tall grass swaying in a gentle night breeze. Shifting out of my sleeping position, I squint to see the speaker.
I almost cry when I see who it is.
“Guys…you shouldn’t have come,” I murmur and try to hold back a sob. Before me is a Furret, a Butterfree and an Oddish, all of whom look tired and solemn. Why…why are they here?
“We know. We just had to come…just to say good-bye,” the Furret says, looking down at the ground. It’s strange to see, because he is usually so happy and full of energy, and I feel a pang of guilt as I see him like this.
“Th-thanks, everyone,” I say, feeling awful. They were good team-mates, for the most part, and while we weren’t exceptionally close, I can tell that this is having a real affect on them. Hurting them, even. After all, I am supposed to be a figurehead of sorts, having been our trainer’s first Pokémon, almost like a leader. Is this going to tear the team apart?
“We saw what happened, and we felt terrible, honest we did. We’d have come sooner, but we had to sneak out while Rick was asleep. He’d be furious if he found out we were communicating with you at all,” the Oddish says quietly, and I see her lower lip tremble as tears begin filling her eyes, but she holds them back bravely. She is so strong for such a tiny thing.
“But it’s worth the risk. We’re not going to leave Goldenrod without saying good-bye.” A small, sad smile creeps across the Furret’s face and his eyes crinkle.
“Yeah, and we also wanted to tell you…well, he can go first,” the Oddish says, turning to the butterfly Pokémon, who seems to blush as he is so suddenly addressed, having remained silent up until now.
“Yeah, I…I just wanted to show you that I evolved. Yunno, before we left. I mean, you always said I could do it, and, and here I am,” he says timidly, and then offers a meek smile.
My eyes soften and I looked him up and down, squinting in the semidarkness. “Congratulations, Butterfree. You look amazing.” And I mean it- the kid had really grown from the fragile green cocoon he had remained within for so long. He nods.
“Yeah. Not long after you…left.” He says the last word painfully, but pushes himself to continue. “It, it was the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to me. And now…well, call me Flyfree.” The newly-evolved Butterfree blushes, but he says his name with pride. The three of us smile up at him, and I can’t help but feel incredibly proud of him; he is now the first on the team with a self-appointed name, which is a true accomplishment.
“And Snapper, I just wanted to tell you that…well, I’m leaving, too,” the Oddish pipes up, and I see a flash of determination shining in her eyes. “What happened…it was because of Rick, the way he was treating you. It wasn’t right, and I just won’t stand for it. I’m leaving too, whether he likes it or not.”
I am left breathless from her little speech; it almost breaks my heart to see her like this. She doesn’t have to do all this for me- Rick has been treating her
fine, after all. Nothing is wrong with her, she could stay, and it would all be all right. But she is doing this…for me. I don’t even deserve it, after what I have done. I don’t deserve to have anyone do anything for me ever again.
I feel bile rise up in my throat. “Thanks, Oddish. I…I appreciate your concern. But you don’t need to do this.” I swallow hard. What have I done?
“No…no, it’s okay,” she says, trying to sound reassuring, but a tear escapes her eye and runs down her soft violet skin.
I choke. “Oddish…” I open my arms to her and she allowed me to embrace her tiny frame into a hug, and I too, let the tears fall from my eyes. I squeeze them shut and allow myself to cry too, my body shaking with sobs, and I start to let it all out. A moment later I feel Furret’s furry body press against mine, his now-wet face pressing against my muzzle. Even Flyfree, the shy, reclusive one joins us, shielding our bodies with his beautiful new wings and we become one tight ball of sadness. Four teammates who hardly even knew each other, but were crying their eyes out as their leader was leaving.
“I’m sorry,” I blurt between sobs, my throat tight. What have I done? I’m tearing the team apart, and for what reason? Because I hadn’t been able to control my own emotions and let my fury lose on a human child! What sort of a monster am I?!
I keep trying to apologize, but I know that even if they say that everything’s all right, it’s not, because I have betrayed my comrades. One second, one split-second decision had ruined my life in an instant, and torn an entire team apart, and for what? Had I been left with a feeling of triumph or satisfaction? Had it let lose all of my feelings so I would never have to deal with them again? No: now I have too many feelings to count swirling violently inside me, like a tidal wave of new emotions, drowning and suffocating me. I cannot control them, and I just bawl and sob and try to let it all out, even though I know I can’t.
Around us, the night is silent. The stars, the bits of light that had always felt so reassuring, so constant, so dependable were gone, blocked out by shadowy clouds. A cold breeze seeps through the blanket of Flyfree’s wings and I shudder. The body heat of my companions keeps me warm now, but what will I do when they leave? How will I stay warm? How will I know what to do? Who will guide me? I can never trust myself again, never depend on myself- I now know that I am unreliable, unable to control myself. I can never be around another human without thinking about what I have done. I can never battle again knowing I could lose control.
If I could take it back, I would. If I could fix that one instant, make it right again, just hold myself back, I would. But I never can.
And this, above all else, is the hardest to accept.