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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 07-26-2007, 06:52 PM
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Default Double Trouble in the great marsh.

Double Trouble in the great marsh

In the Sinnoh Region, a girl sits on the edge of Lake Valor. She was about age 10, and she only had her starter, Eevee. It had never liked its pokeball, so it traveled out of the pokeball. She had long, light brown hair that matched her cute, childish eyes. She wore a dark blue tank top and a silver mini skirt. Her blue and silver sandals were next to her as she poked her feet in the water. The water was cool and refreshing, but not freezing. Every once and awhile a water Pokemon would swim around her feet. It was usually magicarp, psyduck and goldeen but there was the occasional finneon. She giggled when they nibbled at her toes.
Her Eevee looked at the Pokemon and pawed at them. The water was about 10 inches deep. A big finneon came by and when Eevee tried to get it, the finneon pulled Eevee in.
“Ee Eevee!” said Eevee as it tumbled into the cool, shallow water. The finneon quickly swam away when the Eevee splashed into the water. Eevee paddled around in circles and looked at Rachel cheerfully. Rachel giggled and put her hand in the water. She gave Eevee a little splash and Eevee splashed back. Rachel had been so glad that she moved to Pastoria City. She could play in the great marsh, tan on the beach, or chill at Lake Valor. She had just arrived a few hours ago and she wanted to relax here when they unpacked her things.
Rachel lived with her mom. Rachel’s parents had gotten divorced after her dad had become addicted to the battle tower. He comes and visits about twice a year but even then all he talks about is how awesome his Pokemon are. He had started as a trainer with two ralts and one had evolved into gardevoir but the other evolved into a gallade. Over time he expanded his team and now he has a gardevoir, a gallade, a milotic, a luxray, a pidgeot, and a roserade. He always said that it all thanks to hard work.
Right now he was at the house helping to unpack. He lived in the fighting area but he came today to help out. Rachel would have helped, but the stuff was very heavy and it was too crowded with all the moving Pokemon in the house. The moving Pokemon were a group of machokes owned by the moving company that everybody liked to use. It’s a great company.
Rachel pulled her feet out of the water and stood up. Her Eevee looked at her and paddled in circles. Rachel had a bathing suit under her outfit so she took of her shirt and skirt. She placed it on a strange, flat rock and waded into the water. The water in the lake seemed to get deep pretty quickly. In a few more steps, it was up to her waist. Eevee jumped out of the water onto Rachel’s head. She giggled and waded into the water until it was up to her neck. Eevee clung to Rachel’s head tightly. A goldeen swam around Rachel’s legs, its tail tickling her knee.
Rachel tried to pet it but it swam away, its tail slapping her hand softly. Eevee jumped off her head and made quite a splash. It dove under and popped its head out in front of Rachel. Rachel looked at the sunset and waded back out towards the edge. She climbed out and put her shirt and skirt over her green bathing suit. Eevee walked out and saw a water plant tangled around its tail. Rachel took it off and threw it in the water. A psyduck popped out of the water where the plant had landed. It quacked and went back into the water.
Rachel picked up her backpack and took out her poketech from the front pocket. She put it back on her wrist and checked the time and date. It was 7:46 on Saturday, June 6th, 2007. Eevee shook herself dry and jumped onto Rachel’s head. Rachel put her backpack on and Eevee jumped into it. Eevee sat in the backpack and looked over Rachel’s shoulder. Rachel walked over to the entrance and opened the gate. A zigzagoons ran through the gate and into the trees on the other side of the lake. She walked through and closed the gate, Eevee sitting in her backpack. Eevee poked its head into the backpack and took a pokeblock.
“Eevee, do you always have to do that?” asked Rachel. Eevee nodded happily. She ate the pokeblock happily and licked Rachel’s cheek cutely. Rachel giggled and scratched Eevee behind its ears. Rachel started walking through the path leading out to the tall grass, which was the only way to get to Pastoria City.
“Hey Girl, Wanna battle one on one?” said a voice. Rachel turned around and saw a boy, around age 12. He was wearing all red, and his hair was pure white. “My name’s Tobias. I’m gonna be the best there is!” he said.
“Sure, I’ll battle. Go Eevee!” said Rachel. Eevee jumped out of the backpack and growled. Eevee was ready.
The boy smirked. “An Eevee? That’s all you got?” He laughed. He removed a pokeball from his belt. He tosses the red and white item swiftly through the air and shouted, “Come on out, Ponyta! Let’s do it!” The pokeball opened and a red beam came out, turning into a strange fire horse. Rachel checks her pokedex to find out about the Pokemon.
“Ponyta, the fire horse Pokemon. Its body is light, and its legs are incredibly powerful. It can clear Ayers rock in one leap.”
“Watch out Eevee. It sounds strong.” said Rachel. She looked at Eevee. Eevee nodded and looked back at the opponent. He had an evil smile on his face, like he knew something was coming.
“You can make the first move. You’re gonna need to.” He said, sounding like he thinks big of himself.

“Fine then. Eevee use double team to start of the battle!” shouted Rachel. Eevee nodded and split into many Eevees, but only one being real.
“Ponyta! Flame wheel and hit them all!” Said Tobias. Ponyta turned into a burning, fire wheel and went through each clone, but the real Eevee had jumped and hit Ponyta with a strong take down. Eevee also took some damage but Ponyta had taken most of it.
“Good job Eevee! Now Use quick attack!” Rachel told Eevee. Eevee started running towards Ponyta at high speeds until it was a few feet away. Eevee looked like it was ready for anything!
“Now jump and use bite.” Rachel yelled out to Eevee. Eevee jumped over Ponyta and gave it a nasty bite on the back. It held on no matter how much Ponyta stomped around, desperately trying to shake Eevee off. Ponyta wimpered and started bucking around.
“Nice try. Now Ponyta turn yourself into a flame wheel again!” The trainer said, starting to panic. The Ponyta turned into a wheel and eevee started to get burned. It still held on.
“That’s enough Eevee! Use quick attack when you let go!” Rachel cried out. Eevee did exactly as it was told and Ponyta was slammed into a tree nearby. Ponyta fell to the ground and tried to get up. It succeeded, but only for a second. The horse quickly fell down in a heap, its trainer already running to its side. He bent down next to Ponyta and put it inside the pokeball.
“Good try Ponyta.” he whispered into the red and white sphere. He returned it to his belt and stood up. Eevee sat on the ground, taking deep breaths after a long and hard battle. Tobias looked at them and walked away silently, his hands stuffed inside his pockets. Suddenly, somebody behind her had started clapping. She quickly turned around and saw her parents smiling and clapping.
“Good job honey. I never knew you could battle like that.” Said her mom. She had dark brown hair and blue eyes. She was wearing a blue dress that matched her eyes. Her dress went down to her knees, and ended with a sliver line. Her shoes were silver like on her dress. Rachel and her mom liked to dress like that.
“I agree. Very good battle style.” Her dad applauded. He had jet black hair and wore a silver shirt with a golden colored coat. His pants were black with golden buttons on the pockets. He was tall, and sort of strong. His eyes looked like gold but they were brown, a very light brown.
“Rachel, The people said that some rare Pokemon have been sighted at the great marsh. Do you want to go and see some?” asked her dad. Rachel nodded and ran over to her dad, Eevee following at her heals. Eevee jumped into her backpack and started to take a nap. Rachel, her mom, and her dad all started walking back to Pastoria city.
They didn’t have to walk long. After a few minutes they were walking through the entrance of Pastoria City. Her mom headed back to the house and she and her dad walked into the great marsh. Her dad paid admission and was offered thirty park balls.
“Here are your park balls sir.” said the boy who worked there.
“We only need about five please.” Her dad said. “We’re mostly here to look.” The boy nodded and gave them only five. Her dad took them and walked out into the great marsh. Pokemon were scurrying around everywhere. A sign had been put up. Rachel read it out loud to her dad.
Find the rare Pokemon: Pikachu, Jigglypuff, smoochum, Vulpix, Mothim, finneon, and growlithe. The underlined ones have already been caught.
“Wow, there’s a pikachu out there. And Vulpix and growlithe!” said Rachel. Her dad smiled.
“I’m looking for that Mothim. Come on, let’s go.” He said with a wink. He started walking deeper into the marsh, Rachel following quickly. Pokemon scurried around the great marsh. Suddenly, All the Pokemon started running away from were the two were going.
“What’s going on?” Rachel asked. She hugged her dad tightly.
“Let’s go find out.” He said bravely as he continued walking.
After walking for a while, a flamethrower blasted between the trees in front of them. It missed by inches. They walked through the trees and saw an angry growlithe shooting random attacks. It had a large bump on its head, probably from the aguav berry tree a few feet away.
“Rachel, take a ball and try to catch it!” said her dad. “I know you can do it.” Rachel nodded and ran out into the clearing. Eevee jumped out of her backpack and stood next to Rachel.
“Eevee, start of with quick attack.” Rachel said. The growlithe didn’t see Eevee as it rammed it from behind into the berry tree. It growled and returned the favor with a bite.
“Now use your own bite!” Rachel shouted. Eevee jumped up to dodge and did the same thing that it did to Ponyta. The growlithe wimpered and jumped around. Eventually it was able to shake eevee off. Eevee went flying into the air and hit the squishy ground a few feet away. It had been a good thing that it was a marsh. A lightning bolt came out of nowhere and struck the growlithe directly in the back. It fell down into the mud and fainted. Another lighting bolt almost hit Eevee, but it managed to dodge by jumping to the left. A pikachu stepped into the ring and ran towards Eevee, preparing an iron tail. Its tail started to glow and become harder. It jumped into the air before it was finished.
“Counter it with quick attack!” Rachel commanded. Eevee rammed the pikachu so hard before it finished the attack taht it went flying into the sky.
“Now use takedown to finish it off!” said Rachel. Eevee jumped higher then pikachu and then slammed it straight into growlithe. A cloud of dust formed and when it cleared, both Pokemon had fainted together in a pile.

Rachel’s dad through another pokeball to Rachel and she through both of them quickly at the Pokemon. The growlithe woke up and dodged the ball quickly. It ran out of the great marsh but pikachu was engulfed in a red beam it each went inside one of the pokeballs. It started wiggling. Did she catch it? She waited to find out.
My Name Is Rachel, so call me that!

URPG Stats
Dragons, Please click.

Last edited by RET412; 07-26-2007 at 09:49 PM.
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Old 07-26-2007, 06:55 PM
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Default Re: Double Trouble in the great marsh.

This is my first story ever. It was done in two days.

Pokemon to catch:pikachu
Characters(no spaces):8,622
Characters(with spaces): 10,719
My Name Is Rachel, so call me that!

URPG Stats
Dragons, Please click.

Last edited by RET412; 07-26-2007 at 07:10 PM.
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Old 07-26-2007, 11:36 PM
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Default Re: Double Trouble in the great marsh.

Ok, here we go.

Introduction: You address all of the key things needed to make a good introduction. You tell where she lives, what she was doing and what she looked like. Good job.

Plot: A young girl who just moved to Sinnoh, goes to a lake and battles a Pokemon. After that, you fight a trainer, and you win against his Ponyta. Next, you go to the great marsh to find Pokemon with your dad. You find a Pikachu, and initiate your battle with it. Not very involving at all, but I think it worked just about barely.

Action/Battle: Even though you had another battle before this, this one was far too short. Next time, improve the battle length.

Detail: I didn't really imagine the story well enough. In the beginning, you had enough detail, but it began to decline a little as the story went on, especially in the battle.

Grammar: Your grammar was pretty good. As far as I can tell, I could only find a few flaws that weren't really a problem.

OUTCOME: Pikachu Not Captured!

Try to add a little more detail to the battle, and you'll have it.
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