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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 08-11-2007, 07:47 AM
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Default Naruto: Dragon Chronichles (critiques needed)

Beware of three things here. I suck at writing action stories even though I used to be good at it. I'm no longer a good writer, so it will need a lot of critiquing, and I watch Naruto, but I don't fully know everything about Naruto, but I made a character, and I always wanted to put him out there. This is made purposely for critiquing, but please don't tell me that this exactly sucks dick, even though it probably will. One more thing, I will be making a few villages up. For instance, the main characters are from the Village hidden within the Grave.

Chapter 1- How far is it Anyways

“Rage and Aria, please do not fail the village.” A voice called. Who ever spoke to them was shrouded in shadows. “If you're going to send us on a mission, I'd at least like to see your face ,” Aria said. The shadow shook his head. “That is unnecessary.” It replied.

Rage blankly searched around the room they were in. He didn't know that there were buildings in his village. The villagers lived in tents since they didn't want to build houses on buried corpses.

“Why would you even want to make a village in a grave yard ?” Rage asked himself. He had become accustomed to the village and its spirits, though when he was a child, he couldn't stand it.

“Rage, lets go ,” Aria said. She stood at the entrance, motioning to him. Rage ran to catch up with her, his sword hitting the bottom of his leg as he ran. “Aria, what else did that guy say? “, Rage asked. Aria contiued walking towards the gates of their village

“Did he say anything about my father ?” Rage questioned. Finally Aria stopped her march to talk. She didn't bother to turn towards Rage. “He said, we should make our way to the Leaf Village ,” Aria mumbled. “Why?” Rage fired another question at Aria. He decided this would be his last one when he saw her fist tighten.

“There's a boy like you in that village. He also has a beast inside of him ,” Aria relaxed her fingers and Rage dodged a bullet. Rage was stronger than Aria, but he wouldn't dare fight her.

Rage's concern for his father faded away and he went back to his happy go lucky-self. “Alrighty then, lets get to the Leaf Village !” Rage yelled. A flock of birds flew away at the sound of his voice. Rage became distracted by their flight. He once again zoned out and couldn't listen.

“Are you listening?” Aria asked angrily. Rage still looked off in the direction of the birds. Aria's fist quickly tightened again. Aria slapped Rage on the back of his head. Rage fell to the ground with a loud thud.

“What was that for ?” ,Rage asked. Dirt filled Rage's mouth so his question came out more like “Gut bas dat ror?”

Aria laughed hysterically and fell to the ground herself. “What the heck is wrong with you two?” Someone asked. Rage and Aria quickly sat up. A boy in an orange suit with blonde hair stared at the two grave village ninjas.

“Who are you?” Rage asked spitting the dirt out of his mouth. The boy's face immediately lit up. “I'm Naruto Uzamaki and I'm going to be the next hokage !” Naruto exclaimed.

Aria sat herself back up to fall back down laughing again. Naruto went red like a tomato. “Never mind her Naruto, what village are you from ?” Rage asked. “The Leaf Village ,” ,Naruto quickly replied.

Aria sat up again. “How far are we from the Leaf Village ?” Aria asked. Naruto shot a look at Aria. “That depends, what village are you from?” Naruto replied. Rage didn't bother to answer him. Barely anyone has heard of their village.

“The Village Hidden Within the Grave ,” ,Aria said. Naruto face faded into the wind. “This is a set up, you're trying to kill me aren't you ?”, Naruto asked. Naruto got into a figthing stance.

“Please Naruto, if we wanted to kill you, you'd be dead, ” ,Rage said.

“Is that a challenge ?” , Naruto asked angrily.

Rage got into a fighting stance as well. “Maybe it is ,” Rage replied.

Naruto quickly threw a Kunai. Rage dodged with ease. Rage was distracted for a second, fascianted by where the Kunai would land. Rage soon lost interest and focused. Naruto had made two clones that were quickly moving their hands.

Aria watched on as the Naruto prepared his move.

“You better be ready, because this is going to hurt !” Naruto yelled. Rage scoffed when Naruto charged.

Naruto attacked Rage's chest. Rage stood still and took the attack. “Now watch this ,”, Rage said.

Rage quickly grabbed Naruto's arm. Soon enough, a red ball of energy surrounded Rage's hand. Rage forced the ball into Naruto's face sending him flying.

Naruto didn't jump back up. “You didn't kill him, did you ?” Aria asked. Rage shook his head quickly. “I don't think I did ,” Rage thought.

Aria ran over to Naruto to check his oulse. “I'm alright lady. Just hurt, but I'll be back up, and I'll kick that guys but ,” Naruto said. Naruto stood up slowly. “Rematch, another time ,” Naruto called out as he walked off. “Sure,” Rage said. He started to feel sad. He had never actually engaged in a real battle. Mostly just training spars.


“We should follow him. He'll lead us back to the village ,” Aria suggested.
Rage nodded and followed the already running Aria.


End of Chapter 1
Alright, time to bash it. Also, I need some tips on how to describe fighting scenes, because I plan on Rage taking on most of the main ninjas. Basically Sasuke, Neji(don't know how it's spelled), Shikamaru. I really want him to end up with a big battle against Garra.


But those fights will be boring, if I don't get better at the fight scenes.

I know it moves quick, but there is a reason for that.
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  #2  
Old 08-11-2007, 06:30 PM
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Default Re: Naruto: Dragon Chronichles (critiques needed)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaden0527 View Post
End of Chapter 1
Alright, time to bash it.
Jaden, I'm going to be straight with you. You've improved, quite a bit, though you still seem to be having a bit of trouble with grammar. The only really major thing I noticed was that you keep putting spaces before your periods and question marks. Aside from that and that you need to start a new paragraph each time a person talks, you're doing fine.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaden0527 View Post
Also, I need some tips on how to describe fighting scenes, because I plan on Rage taking on most of the main ninjas. Basically Sasuke, Neji(don't know how it's spelled), Shikamaru. I really want him to end up with a big battle against Garra.
Now that just happens to be a specialty of mine. With fight scenes, the only real requirement is to keep it detailed. Very detailed. And you should also have some good mix-ups and change-ups when you're doing it. Like, different jutsu instead of just having Sasuke use the Grand Fireball Technique over and over and over and over and over. Just do that and you'll be fine.
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  #3  
Old 08-11-2007, 07:15 PM
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Default Re: Naruto: Dragon Chronichles (critiques needed)

Thanks. For a seocnd there, I thought you were going to say that it sucked badly. I'll try to work on it though.
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