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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #31  
Old 08-09-2007, 04:04 AM
Psychic Offline
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Default Re: Destiny's Tag .:Chapter 4 Up:.

I knew, just when I had seen the banner for your fic in your sig, even then I knew that this would be a fic to remember.

I’m only done Chapter 3, and I already have a great feeling about it.

The concept, even from the summary sounds great. Incredibly original, and it sounds fun and exciting. Truth be told, the parents not letting their kid be a trainer has been done many times before, however you have done a great job making it fresh and original, and you did a good job showing it.

This was due in most part thanks to the great job you did in creating believable characters and portrayed emotion here. Firstly, I have rarely seen a ten-year-old portrayed so accurately. You did a wonderful job showing how young and cute she is, while still making her seem like a mature, relatable character. I have seen this done well only a small number of times, so kudos, and keep it up! The emotions are also shown really well, though on occasion I think you could have lingered on them a bit more just to make sure the reader sees what the characters are going through. I would suggest this mainly for at the end of Chapter 2 when Sen is upset about what she has found that she is to become a nurse. Suddenly Sen’s eyes are wet with tears, she becomes a tad embarrassed and then a bit later is shown to be angry. What could have been done best here would have to show Sen’s thought process that led to all this, aka just showing her thoughts as she stares at the dress. Even if the thoughts are ‘No…no…oh my gosh…I can’t…she couldn’t…she knew I wanted to be a trainer…why…this isn’t fair! How could she do this?!’ Something as simple as that before the paragraph where her eyes blur with tears, then putting in a few similar things when she realizes everyone around her, then a bit more as she realizes how happy Scarlett is.


Description was quite good, with just the right amount to make the scene clear in the minds of the readers. A few instances could have used a bit more, just so you can describe the scenery itself and create the mood a bit better- the best way to do this is not only through the objects that are actually there, but also by using the lighting, the sounds and even the smells. When Sen in sulking in her room, you could have made it seem darker to add to the sour mood, and during the party you could have mentioned the sounds of all the guests talking and the aroma of the snacks and birthday cake. Always keep in mind that you want the reader to feel like they’re actually there in the story, as if standing next to the characters.

The only other qualm I have with description is your listing descriptions. Another posted briefly mentioned this, and you said that another writer you know uses the style you used. Well generally speaking this format should really not be used, because it interrupts the story. Usually you want the story to flow and not have to stop every time a new character appears just so you can describe them. It’s annoying, it can break the mood you are trying to set and at times it’s hard to imagine, because you’re just listing details. Plus reading ‘a light breeze ruffled his short blond hair, making the spikes on top sway like a patch of grass’ is much more interesting than ‘he had spiky blond hair,’ and again, it’s easier to imagine his hair when it’s swaying in a breeze rather than just sitting there. Especially when it’s a full-body description, your reader will tend to remember it better this way- a paragraph of just a list of attributes isn’t something readers will tend to remember later.

On a side note, I wanted to mention that the party scene as a whole bugged me a bit, mainly in that it was so fast. Suddenly Sen comes down the stairs, sees her family and a friend, sees Scarlett, gets cake and present and runs upstairs (and the party magically dissapears after that). Usually before the cake the birthday girl would have to walk around to greet everyone and make dull chit-chat until the cake was brought out or something to that degree. As to what happened to the rest of the party, I guess the reader is left to assume the mother made everyone leave, but what of Gwen- she didn't try to come up and comfort her friend? Looks like you kinda just forgot about the whole party thing after the small scene, and even then it was treated more as a plot device than an important event in Sen's life when she would finally be recognized for her age and maturity to leave on a journey. :P


The spelling and grammar were pretty good the whole way through, however in each chapter I was able to pick out a handful of mistakes. They didn’t take away from the story itself and weren’t very noticeable in most cases, however to a more grammatically-trained eye they can make the story seem a bit awkward at times. Again, nothing big, but you’ll want to fix them and try to learn from them in the future. Here’s what I got.


For Chapter 1:

Quote:
Sure it was bigger than her pokemon but she doubted it could actually kill her.
I believe you need a comma after ‘pokemon.’


Quote:
Sen blinked herself out of her musings and turned to where Alice was pointing, the cake decorations.
The comma should be a semicolon.


Quote:
Underneath that were a dozen of battles containing candy sprinkles, some rainbow colored while others were single in hue.
I think you mean ‘bottles,’ and it should be ‘rainbow-colored’ however that doesn’t really make sense, so I think you meant ‘multicolored.’


Quote:
“Now which ones should we get?” Sen asked aloud, putting a hand on her hi to ponder on her options.
I think you meant ‘hip.’


Quote:
When he caught sight of her, a wide smile came across his face.

“What do we have here, a birthday girl.”
Should probably be ‘broke across his face,’ and since he was asking a question, but a question mark instead of a period.


Quote:
The air that hung on this small town was free of pollution, in part of shortage of cars and factories and in part of the Valley Windworks a day’s journey away where wind energy was the only energy.
‘in part’ should actually be ‘partly thanks to,’ and the sentence ends really abruptly here; add on something like ‘used here.’


Quote:
“I can’t wait until we go on our own journey,” she told the mouse pokemon, petting her between her black tipped ears.
Should be ‘black-tipped.’


Quote:
Both of them were too lost in their daydream to fully notice their surroundings. Sen because she was lost in her dream of becoming a successful trainer and Alice in fantasizing how powerful she could become.
This should all be one sentence- change the first period to a semicolon.


Quote:
“You should watch where I’m going you know.”
Comma after ‘going.’


Quote:
Emerald eyes looked down upon them with a taunting glint, Sen fully knowing that she enjoyed it.
Should be ‘glint- Sen fully knew that she was enjoying this.’


Quote:
Before Scarlett would add more, Sen turned to Alice who was still glaring at the fire pokemon.
Change ‘would’ to ‘could,’ and I’m not sure, but I believe there should be a comma after ‘Alice.’


Quote:
she could escape her and see the world.
I think by ‘her’ you meant ‘here,’ but it would be better as ‘this place.’



Chapter 2:

Quote:
Icing tipped fingers stuck one by one all around the cake to form a ten candled circle.
At first I hadn’t understood this- here’s what I advise you to change it to: ‘Icing-tipped fingers stuck the candles into the cake one by one, placing the ten candles in a circle.’


Quote:
It was very tempting to just grab a handful of cake and dine right then and there but Mrs. Takashi was always keeping an eye on the cake she had slaved for over three hours.
Comma after ‘there’ and change ‘always keeping an eye’ to ‘keeping a constant eye’


Quote:
Sen stopped her chuckle to look up at her mother, the honey haired woman standing on a ladder with streamer in hand. Not wanting to heightened the stern look she gave off, Sen gently put Alice on the floor.
Should be ‘honey-haired,’ just ‘heighten’ and change ‘she gave off’ to ‘she was giving her daughter’


Quote:
“I don’t know why you insist on it being outside instead of a poke ball,” Fiona Takashi complained as she lightly stepped off the ladder.

“It is a pokemon, after all.”
This should all be one paragraph, and you should put ‘is’ in italics.


Quote:
She, Mom,” her daughter corrected.

“And Alice isn’t just a pokemon, she’s my best friend.”
Again, same paragraph


Quote:
Send nodded and headed to her room, a confused Alice at her heels.
XD I don’t think her name has a ‘d’ in it.


Quote:
With a grin, she took a brush from her table and ran it through her hair a couple of times, pinning a butterfly clip on the side of her head when done.
Just change ‘done’ to ‘finished’


Quote:
(quite stubborn now that she recalls)
I’d advise changing it to ‘a rather stubborn one, she recalled’


Quote:
“I bet you she caught some pretty cool pokemon and maybe a badge!”
Comma after ‘pokemon,’ and it sounds like she’s trying to catch a badge. XD I’d suggest ‘maybe even got a badge!’


Quote:
“That’s true, we’ll catch up.”
Make the comma a semicolon.


Quote:
“You know,” she started.

“I don’t think I’ve seen you in a dress this classy before.”
Same paragraph again. Just note that if it’s the same person speaking multiple times in a row, it all goes in one paragraph.


Quote:
“It’s a special occasion after all. The day I turned ten and become a trainer.”
Make it ‘It is is a special occasion after all; the day I turn ten and become a trainer!” (exclamation point optional)


Quote:
“Hey guys.” she greeted with a smile, which the other girls knew was fake.
Comma after ‘hey,’ and I’d advise changing it to ‘with an obviously fake smile.’ Also on a sidenote, I felt you could have done a bit more at thos part to make it all seem incredibly fakely cheery, just to show the tension between characters.



Chapter 3:

Quote:
“I’m okay, Alice,” Sen told her yet her voice betrayed her words.
Comma after ‘her’ and change ‘yet’ to ‘though,’ and put in an adjective here to describe her town of voice for good measure, such as ‘though her defeated tone’


Quote:
All she wanted was to be alone, right now, couldn’t her mom understand that?
Take out the comma after ‘alone,’ and change the second comma to a dash.


Quote:
A part of her wanted to keep her out of the room but the more sensible part of her knew she had to let her in.
It sounds like the ‘her’ is still referring to the mother, so just change it to ‘the young girl’ and I believe you need a comma after ‘room,’ and I’d suggest changing the end of the sentence to ‘knew she couldn’t keep her mother out forever’ or something similar.


Quote:
The lack of light made her look sullen and depressed.
You could have done a bit more with this sentence to give the reader a better mental image of the upset girl. ‘The lack of lighting in the room cast an eerie shadow upon the child, which seemed to add to the feelings of despair and depression the girl was giving off, eyes sunken and full of tears, curled up in a tight ball with her knees to her chest.’ Making her look sad, weak and defenseless in a scene like this really helps the reader feel more pity for the character, mainly because a more vivid picture is painted in their head where they see Sen looking like this.


Quote:
“You knew I wanted to be a trainer, Mom,” Sen told her, still staring out the window.
It would look great to add something like ‘refusing to meet her mother’s eyes’ at the end of the sentence. And maybe put 'knew' in italics.


Quote:
This caused her say her words harsher than she meant to.

“I’m not going to be weak, Mom! We’ll train and train, become stronger...”
Um…I don’t really understand the first sentence, or in what way her words could have sounded harsh. o.O


Quote:
The short haired woman stood up from the bed and faced the nettled girl with a stern look.
Should be ‘short-haired’


Quote:
The pillow made an audible ‘thump!’ before falling to the bedroom floor, Sen not making any move to retrieve it.
It would look a bit better to make this two sentences, diving them at the comma. Then just make it ‘Sen made no move to retrieve it.’




Anyways, like I said these mistakes aren’t really anything to worry about, and the fic itself is looking great so far. I hope this review was helpful (it's rare that I write reviews anymore, especially long ones like this because I've gotten lazy) and it fills my heart with joy just to see someone anticipating my review.

So I look forward to reading on, and I wish you luck with the rest of it! :)

~Psychic
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  #32  
Old 08-09-2007, 08:10 PM
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Default Re: Destiny's Tag .:Chapter 4 Up:.

To say I wasn't nervous about your review would make me a liar. ^^;

I'm glad you think that this is original because that is what I was shooting for instead of the "Child runs away to become a trainer, goes through the region winning badges, comes back and mom is totally impressed and admits she was wrong."

-pokes banner 'cause apparently it's good advertisement even with the simply layout-

I was actually going to put that Gwen was going to comfort Sen but Sen didn't want to see anyone so the trainer stayed in the nearby Pokemon Center but I guess it must have slipped my mind. -slaps palm to forehead-

(My mind must have been pretty out of it in writing that chapter because I got through half a page before noticing I was writing it in first person POV ^^;)

(I also, absolutely hate the fact that my LA teacher always "praised" my essays and short stories but completely forgot to mention the comman thing you pointed out in my one-shot "A Lonely Fate" and I seriously don't think that she didn't notcie it because she is a Language teacher. I though the whole point of being a teacher is to help students get better at the subject. -.-) [/Rant]

Today I'll fix those mistakes you pointed out, add more to the party scene, and give the explanation of Gwen I mentioned above before it slips my mind again. Besides, you do think that I update too fast. :P LOL

Thanks, Psychic for that detailed review, really helpful for the future the posted chapters. I hope you keep reading for I'll try my best to make the upcoming chapters fantastic.

-open up new window to fix the mistakes-

To everybody in general: If you guys want to see a spoiler of Chapter 6, see my VPP Stats under "Current". There, you'll find an upcoming and very important character. Also, I put a little "History" of this story (including my one-shots and the fic after this one) so if you want to read about that, click my "Story Archive".
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  #33  
Old 08-10-2007, 03:32 AM
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Default Re: Destiny's Tag .:Chapter 4 Up:.

Nice Chapter haven't got done reading them all.. head hurts keep up work..Uggh..^^ BayDoll fell I'll explain later.
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  #34  
Old 08-10-2007, 03:36 AM
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Default Re: Destiny's Tag .:Chapter 4 Up:.

Hey, Empoleonx2, missed you. :)

Hope that head gets better (I loathed headaches).
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  #35  
Old 08-10-2007, 04:03 AM
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Default Re: Destiny's Tag .:Chapter 4 Up:.

Super Job on this chapter. The discrption was awsome espaically the night sky one. Keep going
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  #36  
Old 08-10-2007, 04:11 AM
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Default Re: Destiny's Tag .:Chapter 4 Up:.

Thanks, moonlight. And I would predict that you would like the night sky.
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  #37  
Old 08-13-2007, 07:09 AM
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Default Chapter 5

Another seven pages although I'm not quite as satisfied with this one than Chapter 4. Kind of a filler, hope you enjoy it!

_____

Chapter 5

Something bright, something warm and bright was hitting her face. She tried to turn her head but found she couldn’t move it. She tried to raise a hand to shield her eyes but found her arm was also paralyzed. Beneath her, she could feel something cushioning her body, scratching her back with sharp ends. This wasn’t her bed, not even close. The floor didn’t even feel like the carpet in her room. Panic was now rising in Sen’s throat at these unexplained things.

Where am I? Why can’t I move?

Her breathing changed from its slow rhythm to a fast, frantic pace. The girl struggled to open her eyes, to move her fingers, anything but she could do nothing but lie there in darkness, trembling in fear. Someone shook her and called to her, telling Sen to open her eyes. The voice sounded like they were on the verge of a breakdown, like a bridge ready to crumble under a great weight. Sen didn’t recognize the voice but something in it strung the strings in her heart. Whoever it was, they were concern for her well being. In one giant effort, her eyes flew open yet she immediately regretted it when sunlight flooded her sight. The person beside her couldn’t be happier, though and wrapped herself around the blinded Sen.

“You’re awake, I was so worried!”

Bracing herself for the bright view, Sen opened her eyes and looked down at who was hugging her. The sight she got was one that she wasn’t prepare for. A giant Pikachu was nearly on top of her and crying into her chest in happiness. Paws were placed in a tight hug as though Sen would disappear if she loosened her grip.

“Sen, you fainted and I...”

“AHHH!”

Sen sat up and scrambled back in terror, making the rodent tumble ungracefully to the dirt ground. Her head moved from side to find out where she was. Grass inches taller than her surrounded them from all sides like walls trying to keep them from the outside world. The sky above them was a clear china blue with only a few wisps of clouds that still carried the faint orange traces of sunup. All was eerily quiet, making Sen feel even more out of place in this giant world. The Pikachu stood up with a hurt look in her furry face, paws clenched close to her.

“Sen, it’s me,” she spoke quietly as though anything louder would frighten the ten year old further. “Alice.”

Sen shook her head furiously with closed eyes. This wasn’t happening,, it was nothing but a dream, she was sure of it!

Where am I? Why is everything so huge? How can that Pikachu talk?!

Crunching grass made her reopen her eyes. The pokemon was coming closer to her, paws outstretched in some kind of pleading gesture. With terror filled eyes, Sen stumbled into a standing stance and backed away. For some reason, she lost her balance and landed on her back, making an indent in the wall of grass. Sen put her hands in front of her in an attempt to protect herself, her eyes shut tight.

“Stay away! Stay away!”

Her arms were seized which only made her struggle and cry out for help. She had no idea what was happening, no clue as to what caused this whole mess. She was alone with no one to help her, Sen was alone with a pokemon that could potentially kill her if it so wanted.

“Sen, calm down! It’s me, Alice, you’re a pokemon!” The voice was still gentle and low, making it easy to be drowned out by Sen’s yells.

“Get away! Let me go!”

Seeing that her approach wasn’t working, the Pikachu took a different tactic.

“Sen! Look at me!”

Startled witless by the sudden sharpness of the voice, Sen directed her gaze to the yellow face in front of hers. Her body went limp at the intensity of the dark eyes, the stare holding her in place.

“Sen, I’m Alice,” she spoke, her tone border lining pleading. “Alice, the same Pikachu that was there when in your room after the party. The same Pikachu that you ran away with. The same Pikachu that was always there for you.”

Sen looked up at the sensitivity of the words, the eyes now softened. She realized they were the same eyes that she had grown accustomed to every time she needed someone to talk to. Always there to listen and comfort, just how they were doing right now. With a warm smile, they were slowly relaxing her into a calmer state.

“Alice....?”

Alice broke into a face splitting smile and nearly jumped onto her for another hug. Sen let a silly grin take place on her face until something dawned upon her.

“Alice, why can I understand you?”

A grave expression washed over her so suddenly that Sen felt the hair on the back of neck stand up at what was about to come. Alice once again held her hands and met her eyes, the sparkled from before completely gone.

“I think you should look at yourself, Sen.”

If it would have come out differently, she would have laughed at the simple request. The words, however were laced with grief and sadness. Ever so slowly, Sen looked down at herself, holding back the scream that was bubbling in her throat at the first signs that something had happened to her. Every part of her body was covered in soft yellow fur, the whole thing feeling like a coat that could not be taken off, stretching from her newly formed hind paws to the long ears that now twitched on top of her skull. Seeing that Sen was in complete shock instead of a raging tantrum, she let go of her arms. Shakily, Sen stood up, feeling the short muzzle on her face with one paw and the thunderbolt shaped tail with the other. With a sinking heart, she confirmed they were real, as real as they were on Alice. She was a Pikachu, not a human but a pokemon.

I’m a Pikachu, a Pikachu just like Alice. A tail, fur, the whole nine yards.

Alice came closer when Sen didn’t speak or yell, certain that she would have done one or the other sooner. She was just staring at the ground with an almost glazed look upon her.

Cautiously, she asked, “Sen, are you alright?”

The electric pokemon was surprised when Sen let out a chuckle accompanied with a grin.

“Of course, why wouldn’t I? I’m a pokemon, just like you.”

The smile fell, her knees buckled beneath her, and she fell into Alice’s arms. Stumbling but regaining her footing, Alice set Sen back down on the grass bed she had made for her when she had fainted hours ago.

Actually, she looks like she’s about to faint again. Alice nervously noted.

“How did this happen...?” Sen asked between hyperventilated gasps, clutching her head so that the world around her would cease its constant spinning.

Everything just felt so foreign at the moment. When she would cover her eyes, she would feel both the fur on her paws and on her face. Any rustle of the jade grass that was caused by the light breeze would cause her ears to perk up, the sensation alien to her human mind. If a flower even swayed her sensitive nose would automatically pick up the aroma. It was more than enough to make her stomach turn.

I’m not suppose to feel these things, I’m a human!

She was suppose to feel five fingers running through her hair, none of them with small little claws. Instead of a fur coat, she had to have clothes on her back that could be taken off. On top of all that, she was probably speaking like a Pikachu instead of in English.

“Excuse me?”

Alice and Sen simultaneously let out a high pitched scream at the voice, the latter jumping to her feet. Their eyes frantically scanned their surroundings for any sign of the person who might have spoken. Nothing but the whistle of wind through grass answered them. A chill spread over them as their gazes met. Had they imagined it?

But we both heard it, Sen argued, feeling her pulse quicken. It had to be real...

The images of ghosts and ghouls crossed her mind but she pushed them aside. They were in broad daylight. No spooks would dare attack them. Somehow, Sen wasn’t so sure.

A bright light suddenly invaded their sight, the source mere inches above their heads. Stepping back and covering their eyes, they were numb with both fear and surprise as they saw the light reveal a floating shape. The figure immediately shone with a godly aurora with his head shaped into half a star with two, long flowing tendrils behind him in the same honey yellow color. He descended his light gray body so that his marked eyes were leveled with theirs, a jubilant shimmer greeting both mice from within them.

“Wh...who are you?” was Alice’s shaky question.

The unknown pokemon gave a sheepish grin and lowered himself fully to the ground.

“I’m sorry for frightening you,” he began to apologize. His voice was one of a child’s, carefree and full of joy. Yet his actions and words were of wisdom, smooth and to the point; this was shown by the bow he gave them. All of this relaxed Sen and Alice enough to come closer. “I forgot you couldn’t see me while I was invisible.” Straightening up, he smiled warmly at them. “My name’s Jirachi.”

“..Jirachi.” Sen echoed as she began to recall the meaning of the name. The name seemed like she heard it in a distant memory, maybe even a dream within a dream. Hadn’t her father once talked about a wish granting pokemon from Hoenn, one of the legendary creatures? “Aren’t you from Hoenn? What are you doing here?”

Jirachi let out a lighthearted chuckle, floating to Sen so that they were nose to nose. His aurora illuminated her face.

“I came because of you, Sen. You have something of mine.”

Sen was surprise that this great pokemon knew her name but even more when he claimed she had something of his.

“How could I....?”

A light breeze blew across the open field, making the two objects that hung from the Wishmaker’s head to tickle Sen’s red cheeks. The sea green fabric made her mind flash back to the terrifying night before, back to when she found that mysterious tag teeming with a life of its own. The tag was an exact match to Jirachi’s, down to the warm sensation they gave off whenever they were touched. The shock was so great that all she could do was open and close her mouth in an attempt to speak but she remained mute. Dozens of thoughts swam inside her mind, the fact that all of them wanted to make themselves known making it difficult to distinguish one from another.

The tag, it’s the same one as Jirachi’s! How did it end up here? Did it make me like this?

Through her muddled thoughts, she managed to squeak out, “I don’t know where it is...”

Backing up, Jirachi responded with a simple, “Turn around.”

Remembering what the last easy request brought, Sen obeyed, bracing herself. The rectangular end of her tail was wrapped in the same cerulean cloth as Jirachi’s tags, sticking into her fur like glue; the tail indent was still evident. Alice also noticed how it was securely latched, a frown was placed firmly on her face.

“It’s called a Wish Tag,” Jirachi told them. He then looked away, ashamed at what he was about to confess. His head seemed to droop while the aurora around him dimmed. “About a month ago, while I was doing one of my daily rounds around Sinnoh, some humans began to attack me, chasing me for weeks. When I finally escaped, I found one of my Wish Tags was lost in the fray. I wasn’t able to locate it until now. You see, when someone makes a wish while in the possession of a Wish Tag, the wish comes true and the tag then attaches itself on the wisher’s body permanently, the tag is not able to be used for any further wishing.”

“But you can reverse it, right?” Sen asked eagerly, heart now full of delicate hope. “You can make it as though I never made the wish.”

The sympathetic expression the legend gave off shattered the hope she had accumulated only moments ago. He once again avoided her eyes, the yellow flaps of skin shielding his face.

“I can’t reverse it, I...”

“What do you mean you can’t?!”

All eyes turned to Alice whose whole body began to quake in silent anger. Her electric pouches were shooting off numerous sparks that hit the ground with a ‘crackle!’, making Sen jump back in alarm.

“It’s your fault for being chased by some humans! You were so careless as to let something so dangerous just get lost!”

A Thundershock unwillingly left Alice, directed straight towards Jirachi. Just when Sen thought he would be hit, the Psychic type waved his right arm in one fluid motion and produced a green barrier of energy. The attack harmlessly bounced back and was absorbed by the ground.

Scared that Jirachi would retaliate with an attack of his own, Sen pulled Alice (who was blinking in regret and disbelief at what she had just done) close to her. Jirachi only let a sad smile cross his face.

“I don’t blame you for being mad, I should have been more careful.”

Alive opened her mouth to rebuttal with her own apology but she was cut off with another wave.

“There is, however, a way I can reverse the spell, a place where I have enough power to do it.”

The pair of Pikachu looked at him with renewed hope.

“What is it?” Sen asked.

Jirachi turned behind him, his gaze unwavering as though he was trying to see something miles away.

“In the Pokemon League, in the Hall of Fame where all trainers and their pokemon enter once they had defeated the league, there is a statue of me. The statue is used for blessing the trainers and their pokemon after their ordeals and hardships, something so sacred that some say it’s magic.”

Though his back was turned, Sen could almost hear the grin when he said the statement.

“When I’m in contact with the statue, my powers are nearly doubled. Take the Wish Tag there and I’ll reverse the wish so that the Tag is as good as new. There, it will either be used for another wish or it’ll come back to me.”

The girl looked first at the cloth that was merged onto her tail and then at the legend, incredulity written on her face.

“But the Pokemon League is at the other half of the region, how am I suppose go all the way over there?”

Jirachi faced the human turned pokemon with a shake of his head.

“That, I don’t know. I’m unable to Teleport anybody but myself.”

A thought hit him like a bolt of lighting, making his expression turn grave. Sen felt her hope already breaking again.

“There’s another thing you must know,” he said in a low voice. “Nobody but the beings who were there when the original wish was grant and the beings who wish to use the newly restored Wish Tag for their own wish can be in the Hall of Fame. If anybody else is there, the wish cannot be reversed.”

That means.... that means Mom, Gwen.... they can’t be there to help me. Sen’s thoughts took a more depressed turn, her eyes closed to stop the tears. They wouldn’t have been able to help me, anyway, I bet they couldn’t understand me if I tried. How would I have explained all this to them?

A hand gently brushed away the tear that trickled down her cheek and when she opened her eyes, a comforting Alice was there, knowing exactly what Sen was thinking.

“I’ll go with you, Sen, you know I will.”

The legendary pokemon floated to them and took Sen’s paws in his hands. His touch was warm and kind, just like the expression on his pale face.

“Sen, I’m sorry this happened to you.”

Sen flashed him a weak smile, her next words still shaking a tad.

“It’s not your fault, Jirachi. It was just... wrong place in the wrong time.”

Jirachi smiled down at her and said, “I know you’ll make it, I can see it in you, the heart of a warrior.”

The star pokemon began to slowly rise into the air, the light around his body beginning to get brighter. The wind started to pick up around them, lifting some dust in the process.

“I know you guys can make it to the League,” he told them with an echo slowly building. “As long as you try as hard as you can, nothing can stop you!”

The dirt revolved around the pokemon like a twister and the wind was getting stronger with every passing second. The grass swayed hard to one side, its roots threatening to loose the bond it had with the Earth. Despite the small chaos that was happening, Sen and Alice still kept their eyes on Jirachi’s departing form with a paw shielding their squinting eyes. Sen had an urge to stop him from going for her mind was still brim filled with questions that she felt would be left unanswered. She knew, though that he had to go.

“I’ll be waiting!”

With a final blink of the eye, Jirachi was gone, his last words left quivering in the air. To Sen, more words were left embedded in her mind, these words not from a wish granting pokemon but from a human who she felt she might not see for a long time. This time, they told the truth.

To the beginnings of a journey
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Last edited by Phantom Kat; 09-09-2007 at 08:17 PM.
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  #38  
Old 08-14-2007, 03:46 AM
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Default Re: Destiny's Tag .:Chapter 5 Up:.

Hey Phantomkat7 I just read the first chapter it was cool later I will read the next chapter later.
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Old 08-14-2007, 05:06 AM
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Default Re: Destiny's Tag .:Chapter 4 Up:.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PhantomKat7 View Post
Thanks, moonlight. And I would predict that you would like the night sky.
I do, somthing magic about it
Anyway enjoyed the Chapter and lookin foward to reading about Sen and Alices journey.
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Old 08-14-2007, 09:43 PM
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Default Re: Destiny's Tag .:Chapter 5 Up:.

Hope you conitnued to read, Phantom King. :)

Glad you liked the chapter, moonlight. ;)
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Old 08-15-2007, 11:41 PM
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Default Re: Destiny's Tag [Chapter 5 Up]

Im starting to like your story it,s looking good.
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Old 08-19-2007, 08:42 AM
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Default Re: Destiny's Tag [Chapter 5 Up]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phantom King View Post
Im starting to like your story it,s looking good.
Thanks, Phantom King.

Gah, Chapter 6 might be a little late since I'm going to enter the Newbie Contest in the URPG but I'll post the next chapter after that is done. If you can't wait, two spoilers are in VPP Stats, two new characters who'll appear. ;)
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Old 08-19-2007, 09:40 PM
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Default Re: Destiny's Tag [Chapter 5 Up]

Oh... I can't honestly say that I predicted Sen becoming a Pokemon... It's fine though, I'm a big fan of transformation stories.

Too tired to offer constructive criticism. Looks good.
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Old 08-20-2007, 12:19 AM
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Default Re: Destiny's Tag [Chapter 5 Up]

I think that your story so far is amazing. I saw the ad in your sig, and this is the first fan fic I have read since I joined this site. I think that you have done an exceptional job in thinking up this plot.


P.S. I have decided to write my own fic, after reading a few of the ones that are already up, I have decided that I want to try and create something amazing too.


Can't wait for the rest to come, but I can understand how long it takes, just posted my own first chapter!
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Old 08-20-2007, 08:27 AM
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Default Re: Destiny's Tag [Chapter 5 Up]

Well, I'm done reading until the next chapter so, as I promised, here's my comment.

It's a lovely read, almost fairy-tale like except it is very believable. You show a beautiful balance between description and character development. Most writers tend to emphasize one or the other. You lean slightly more towards the character psychology and interaction, but that's perfectly okay - it suits your style and your story and it's the way I, personally, prefer too so - thumbs up! Just make sure that, when you reach a point in your story where you feel you have something beautiful and worth describing, that you take a moment and whip up a paragraph or two of description.

Don't force it, though, take your time and plan it into the chapter. Also, descriptions don't have to be in lumps. If you have something or someone which appears in a lot of occasions you can reveal the characteristics of that person or thing one by one and through different means - the character's eyes (she glared at the tall, crimson haired girl), dialogue ("Blah, blah," she said with a slight curve of her thin lips), movement (she flipped her long, blond hair), even touch (She grabbed a handful of his blue fleece desperately) ect, ect...

Of course, those aren't even suggestions, just little thoughts. ^,^ I'm not qualified to really give anyone any blatant advice, especially a well-off writer like you. ^o^

Oh, and I found just a tiny little typo in chapter four. It's the second line of dialogue:

Quote:
“Maybe it’s ono of those traveling Poke Marts I’ve heard so much about,” she mused aloud. “Come on, Alice, let’s check it out.”
Um...I hope that helped at least a tiny little bit...did I earn myself some new chapters? /puppy eyes/
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