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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #46  
Old 08-20-2007, 09:20 PM
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Default Re: Destiny's Tag [Chapter 5 Up]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mohini View Post
Well, I'm done reading until the next chapter so, as I promised, here's my comment.

It's a lovely read, almost fairy-tale like except it is very believable. You show a beautiful balance between description and character development. Most writers tend to emphasize one or the other. You lean slightly more towards the character psychology and interaction, but that's perfectly okay - it suits your style and your story and it's the way I, personally, prefer too so - thumbs up! Just make sure that, when you reach a point in your story where you feel you have something beautiful and worth describing, that you take a moment and whip up a paragraph or two of description.

Don't force it, though, take your time and plan it into the chapter. Also, descriptions don't have to be in lumps. If you have something or someone which appears in a lot of occasions you can reveal the characteristics of that person or thing one by one and through different means - the character's eyes (she glared at the tall, crimson haired girl), dialogue ("Blah, blah," she said with a slight curve of her thin lips), movement (she flipped her long, blond hair), even touch (She grabbed a handful of his blue fleece desperately) ect, ect...

Of course, those aren't even suggestions, just little thoughts. ^,^ I'm not qualified to really give anyone any blatant advice, especially a well-off writer like you. ^o^

Oh, and I found just a tiny little typo in chapter four. It's the second line of dialogue:



Um...I hope that helped at least a tiny little bit...did I earn myself some new chapters? /puppy eyes/
Thanks, Mohini for those kind words and I'm glad you like it. Yes, you did help me, every bit of cirtisizism does. It helps me work on my not so strong points like description. ^^

For those helpful words, yes, you do deserve a new chapter. :P

-throws you bone-


Quote:
Originally Posted by Darth Murkrow View Post
Oh... I can't honestly say that I predicted Sen becoming a Pokemon... It's fine though, I'm a big fan of transformation stories.

Too tired to offer constructive criticism. Looks good.
Threw you for a loop, huh? Well, you've done that to me when I was reading Chronicles.

Speaking of that, save your energy for Chronicles 'cause I'm itching for the nest chapter. ;)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Brainiac View Post
I think that your story so far is amazing. I saw the ad in your sig, and this is the first fan fic I have read since I joined this site. I think that you have done an exceptional job in thinking up this plot.


P.S. I have decided to write my own fic, after reading a few of the ones that are already up, I have decided that I want to try and create something amazing too.


Can't wait for the rest to come, but I can understand how long it takes, just posted my own first chapter!
Your first fanfic that you've read on here was mine? Awesome to have that honor.

Hope you keep reading, Braniac and good luck on your own fic. :)

(I've finally found out how to Multy Quote. ^^;)

- Kat
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  #47  
Old 08-24-2007, 10:27 PM
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Default Re: Destiny's Tag [Chapter 5 Up]

Okay guys, good news. :)

Chapter 6 will be posted on September 8, my birthday! It will give me plenty of time after the Newbie Contest that ends on the 2nd so it won't be rushed (that's the last thing I want to do) yet its not terribly late.

So mark your calendars beacuse I'm not going back on my word.

- Kat
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  #48  
Old 08-25-2007, 07:15 AM
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Default Re: Destiny's Tag [Chapter 5 Up]

Quote:
Originally Posted by PhantomKat7 View Post
Okay guys, good news. :)

Chapter 6 will be posted on September 8, my birthday! It will give me plenty of time after the Newbie Contest that ends on the 2nd so it won't be rushed (that's the last thing I want to do) yet its not terribly late.

So mark your calendars beacuse I'm not going back on my word.

- Kat
Ooooh, that long?

No biggie! I can survive until then - I came prepared! /sets up camp/ Who wants roasted marshmallows? :D

Good luck in your newbie contest- er- thingy! ^.^
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  #49  
Old 08-25-2007, 07:29 AM
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Default Re: Destiny's Tag [Chapter 5 Up]

Ill take a marshmellow *also sets up camp* , good luck in the contest
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  #50  
Old 09-03-2007, 06:51 PM
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Default Re: Destiny's Tag [Chapter 5 Up]

Count me in! *pitches her own tent* Love the story so far =3 Can't wait to see more!
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  #51  
Old 09-05-2007, 11:30 PM
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Default Re: Destiny's Tag [Chapter 5 Up]

I've been grounded, so uh.. sup?

I'm glad I only missed one chapter.

Anyway, excellent new chapter. I barely saw any mistakes this time. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean there weren't ANY. Keep proof-reading! You're doing a lot better!

I now know why you named the story the way you did. I thought it was confusing at first, but meh..

I look forward to the chapter in three days. =) And happy birthday!
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  #52  
Old 09-08-2007, 09:12 AM
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Default Re: Destiny's Tag [Chapter 5 Up]

Happy Birthday!

*waves pom-poms* Today is the day! It's the day!

Er...it is the day, isn't it? *checks birthdays*

Ooooh, yes it is!
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  #53  
Old 09-08-2007, 04:20 PM
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Default Chapter 6

Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to me! Yesh, I'm 15 and full of energy!

I promised and I deliver, Chapter 6 is here. Okay, I'm so sorry that this chapter is so short and uneventful but I have been waiting to introduce these characters, enemies of foes?, for a long time and like Chapter 3 and 4, the next chapter will be longer and a big step towards the plot (you know I keep my word).

So I hope you guys enjoy this chapter and have a good day on my birthday!

_____

Chapter 6

Clenched, unclenched, clenched, unclenched.

No matter how many times she did this action over and over, the small yellow paws were still there instead of the pale fingers Sen longed to see. The ten year old never imagined that something so innocent as making a fist would cause so much turmoil inside her. All she wanted was to see her human hands, at least for a moment, as to reassure herself that she was indeed who she thought she was. Sen has heard of tales of travelers so lost and desperate that they would imagine they were somebody else, on some occasions; Pokemon. A lost hiker who though he was a Sanshrew when a landslide separated him from his fellow explorers, a wary fisherman trying to join the Goldeen in the sea after a storm blew him off course, they were all fact and very possible to happen to her. Maybe she was still knocked out beside the river and dreaming of all this. Could it be that she wasn’t really a Pikachu out on a seemingly impossible mission but just a frustrated girl who lost her way?

Yeah, that’s it, maybe I had gotten a cold from the river so bad that I am imagining all this.

With a closed eye sigh, Sen realized that this explanation made no sense whatsoever compared to what happened when she woke up Jirachi’s explanation, the tag that was now fused to her tail. As much as she wanted to believe in the fact that she was Sen Takashi, a normal human girl with an overbearing mother, she was still Sen the Pikachu, a misfortunate human turned Pokemon.

“Hey, Sen, what’s wrong?”

Snapping chocolate eyes open, Sen turned to her fellow companion who looked at her with concern. A witty retort was bubbling on the tip of her tongue but she shook it off, not wanting Alice to know such depressing thoughts.

“Oh, nothing,” she lied, glance back at her paws. “I was just wondering what we were going to do for food and a place to sleep. All our food and sleeping bag were in my backpack.”

Which I foolishly lost. she bitterly remarked in her mind.

“Oh.” Alice responded in sudden realization, a somber note evident.

Though they managed to ignore the hunger of breakfast, Sen and Alice knew they couldn’t ignore the call of food for much long. They had to eat something, anything, but all they could do was continue walking on Route 205 and hope to spy some kind of food, a berry bush or an apple tree would suffice. Problem was, the trail that they were was a barren wasteland and the forest on their left side was far too intimidating for them to venture off in search for food.

There might be wild Pokemon in there who are really powerful, Sen thought with a shudder than ran throughout her body. Watching the trees with their branches gnarled into ghastly looking, skeletal hands as though waiting to grab them if they dared stray off course, her thoughts took a more horrified turn. Maybe Luxray or Staraptor? Everybody says their vicious.

Sen willed her eyes once again to the sand colored road albeit with a faster pulse. The lingering thought of wild Pokemon attacking them, jumping out with no warning, was still there and refused to disappear. They were only two Pikachu, Sen with absolutely no battling experience and Alice who only attacked to defend them. Fending off Pokemon like those would be impossible, both mice would be the main course in some hungry creature’s schedule.

None of this made the former human feel any better, only shakier.

“Sen!”

Sen jumped high in the air in fright, pointed ears alert and eyes darting every which way. When no Pokemon with multiple rows of gleaming fangs in their huge jaws appeared, she turned her head to Alice.

The Pikachu was looking towards the forest at something a dozen feet away. Alice turned to Sen, a smile on her furry face, and said, “Sen, I found a berry bush!”

When Sen ran to her side, she found that this was true. Amongst the jade bushes and branches sprouted a bush with luscious looking berries. Completely round and unblemished, the sapphire fruit glistened with the light that shone from the trees’ canopies, an awe aspiring sight if they weren’t so overjoyed about this discovery. The Oran Berries were there, right for the picking, without a foe in sight.

“Come on, let’s pick some!”

Following Alice, Sen made her way through the grass on all fours, taking care that no upturned tree root would cause her to fall flat on her face. The forest was quiet other than their rustling through the blades and this made both rodents at ease. The trees looked down at them, their branches looking less lethal. So far, there were no wild Pokemon to worry about, if any were any.

Maybe I was being paranoid, Sen though with a grin. Most likely, Pokemon that strong aren’t even in this part of Sinnoh.

When the berries were now in arm’s reach, they looked even better. Like a flawless painting in a museum that was too beautiful to touch, too think about, they grew, but now, it suddenly felt like their problems at the moment were solved.

“We should eat some and then carry some more in case we can’t find more berry bushes,” Alice spoke up logically, already plucking an Oran Berry from the its stem. The crack seemed to reverberate in their surroundings but it went unnoticed by both of them. “Believe me, when you’re are small as a Pikachu, ten Oran Berries can fill you up pretty quickly.”

Getting her berry, Sen sniffed it with her button nose, wary about eating something that was just growing out of the Earth like this. Sen knew that hikers and campers ate wild fruit all the time but it still unsettled her to do it herself. When she saw Alice sinking into the berry with gusto, the gooey juice running down her small chin, she deemed it alright to eat and sunk her teeth into it. The taste was sweet, sweeter than any other fruit she had tasted, yet it wasn’t sugar coated candy nauseating. Biting more into the pulp, a hint of sour wonderfully complimented the current taste in her mouth, making her relish the sensation. Without hesitating, she grabbed another berry when the one in her hand disappeared into her mouth.

Whoever said berries are only for Pokemon are crazy.

For a while, Sen could hear nothing other than the sound of her chewing, Alice in the same mind of state. Her ears, however, subconsciously picked up a sound and when Sen noticed this and stopped her feasting, a snapped twig was heard like a gun shot. Their heads snapped up quickly. Sen and Alice looked at each other nervously, hearts beginning to beat faster. A bush to their right began to shake, like an animal ready to burst from its cage, and Sen held her breath to await what was about to come. Part of her mind told her to run in the opposite direction instead of waiting what sort of dangerous beast would show itself yet her paws stayed firmly in place, eyes glued to the shrubbery.

“What do you think it is?” Alice asked her friend, berries falling silently to the ground from where she carried them in her arms.

“I..don’t know.” Sen answered back, knowing that this wouldn’t seem as scary if she was human instead of in a body she barely knew how to walk in.

I can’t attack! she though worriedly, trying to force her feet to run back to the trail before the moment of truth was upon them. When they refused to do her bidding, Sen settled on her thoughts. How can I help Alice if they attack?

“Tenkai! I found something!” a female voice rang out in the air. The leaves on the trees blew from side to side when something fluttered near them, closer to where Sen and Alice stood waiting. “It may be berries...”

Something shot out from the bush, a blur of red and black to their frightened eyes. The mass zoomed past them and, their legs miraculously no longer rooted to the forest floor, they screamed in unison before stumbling back, landing hard on their bottoms. Too scare to move, they watched as the blur stopped and landed gently on the ground, what they now deciphered as wings folded at the bird’s sides.

Sen had to blink once, then twice, to take be able to look without uttering a scream. It was a Taillow from what she remembered watching matches televised in the grand stadiums of Hoenn but the appearance was positively hellish. Ruby feathers that seemed as though they were doused in blood covered her body from the her head to the tip of her tail feathers. A normally rose red face was now masked in midnight black, making her eyes narrowed in false anger. Despite that, the Taillow avoided meeting Sen’s eyes and turned to where she came from instead.

Moments later, a figure slightly bigger than the Taillow came lumbering from the bushes, eyes immediately settling over the two Pikachu before he spoke. The Sandshrew’s eyes were like two coals when compared to the abnormal navy colored plates that made up his body, beige underbelly replaced with a cloudy gray that completed the threatening aurora he gave off when he entered the clearing. When the black orbs settled on Sen, the Electric Pokemon felt her skin crawl.

“Who are you?” he asked, voice deep and questioning.

Sen opened her mouth but her voice was dry under the gaze of this strange Pokemon. Instead, she shakily stood up, Alice doing the same beside her, and tried not to fall again. The Taillow looked at her, an ashamed looked sweeping over the jet black face, before burying her head into her wing, muttering something feverishly to herself. Traces of “ruined” and “malicious” caught Sen’s ears, making her ponder the meaning behind them.

“Guys, what did you find?”

Leaping into the scene was the newcomer that had spoken, a lion cub whose epxression morphed when he saw the Pikachu, landing into a stance that allowed him to survey the Pokemon before him. Like the Ground type before him, his eyes were fixed on the yellow beings near the bush. Rust colored was this Shinx instead of the usual vibrant blue, the normally onyx fur now a milky white, static crackling like wild fire withe very step he took to the center. Sen stepped back as he came closer, each paw emitting shocks of electricity that shook the small pebbles on the ground from their place. He gave off the confidence and bravery of a leader, someone to trust when things got rough. At the moment, though neither Sen nor Alice felt any comfort from this Pokemon.

Sen and the Shinx locked gazes when he halted, his yellow gaze boring into her like needles. She bit her bottom lip and tried with all her might not to look away. The slightest movement of fear, who knew what could happen? Behind him, she saw the avian and the mouse walk closer to them, faces contorted into an expression she could not read; sadness, anger?

“What...what are you?” Sen's voice was as strong as she tried to make although hesitance was not missed.

The feline looked away for a moment, as though contemplating how to answer the question, his companions closing their eyes as though recalling a far off memory. His eyes flashed for a brief second, a brighter yellow that illuminated his face so that his features looked hollow and sunken. As fast as it came, it went, and he faced her once again.

“I don’t know.”
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Last edited by Phantom Kat; 09-08-2007 at 08:32 PM.
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  #54  
Old 09-08-2007, 04:41 PM
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Default Re: Destiny's Tag [Chapter 6 Up]


happy Birthday Phantomkitty..have a good one. love the new chapter..^^
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  #55  
Old 09-08-2007, 04:51 PM
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Default Re: Destiny's Tag [Chapter 6 Up]

Wow, happy birthday, have fun

Anyway, i really enjoyed this chapter, espaically when the two were eating the berries, awsome. It made me hungry, anyway, keep up the good work
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  #56  
Old 09-08-2007, 07:54 PM
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Default Re: Destiny's Tag [Chapter 6 Up]

Hey, I loved your new chapter! As I was reading, this is the only mistake that I can remember jumping out at me:

a misfortune human turned Pokemon.

should be misfortunate other than that, nothing seemd out of place to me, other than right at the end, when they are conversing with the newcomers, I found some difficulty following who was saying what.

I love the tone of the story, your voice is clearly evident in it, and it drwas you in, kinda like a carnivorous plant, luring you in, then grabbing you so you can never escape.

yeah, it's kinda like that. I can't escape from waiting for the next chapter! I think that it's great, so it must be!(Just kidding, everyone is titled to their own opinions of course, mine just matters more than everyone else's! Hee hee hee!)

can't wait to find out what happens, I'm hooked!
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Old 09-08-2007, 08:29 PM
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Default Re: Destiny's Tag [Chapter 6 Up]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brainiac View Post
Hey, I loved your new chapter! As I was reading, this is the only mistake that I can remember jumping out at me:

a misfortune human turned Pokemon.

should be misfortunate other than that, nothing seemd out of place to me, other than right at the end, when they are conversing with the newcomers, I found some difficulty following who was saying what.

I love the tone of the story, your voice is clearly evident in it, and it drwas you in, kinda like a carnivorous plant, luring you in, then grabbing you so you can never escape.

yeah, it's kinda like that. I can't escape from waiting for the next chapter! I think that it's great, so it must be!(Just kidding, everyone is titled to their own opinions of course, mine just matters more than everyone else's! Hee hee hee!)

can't wait to find out what happens, I'm hooked!
Aah, I shall fix that and I will clarify the ending on who is saying what. ^^

My voice is showing? Oh noes! xD

- Kat
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  #58  
Old 09-09-2007, 07:47 AM
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Default Re: Destiny's Tag [Chapter 6 Up]

EEEEEEEEE! A Shinx!!!! KAWAAAAAI! ^o^ I just love those little guys!!! (I have no idea why I used that emo )

Erm...sorry.

I already wished you a happy b-day, so I'll just get to the point.

It was a good chapter, your berry-eating description was...yummy!

I'm pretty sure these little guys are friends (elementary, my dear Wattson - I read the summary. xD Gawrsh, I'm clever. ).

Sorry my comment is so short, but I didn't find any mistakes and I have no objections and...that's it...can't wait for the next one!
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  #59  
Old 09-09-2007, 07:32 PM
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Default Re: Destiny's Tag [Chapter 6 Up]

Pretty good story. Hopefully this'll be on of the ones I follow to the end. Happy b-day. ^^

Good descriptions and realistic character develpment, however I've noticed a few misspellings (I probably shouldn't be talking. xD) and missing words. I think a missing word might is on the second or third page, you might wanna add it in so people can understand what you're saying. Also when Alice is telling Sen she's a pokemon I think it should be "you're a pokemon" instead of "you're pokemon".
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Old 09-09-2007, 08:14 PM
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Default Re: Destiny's Tag [Chapter 6 Up]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue_Dragon_Mew View Post
Pretty good story. Hopefully this'll be on of the ones I follow to the end. Happy b-day. ^^

Good descriptions and realistic character develpment, however I've noticed a few misspellings (I probably shouldn't be talking. xD) and missing words. I think a missing word might is on the second or third page, you might wanna add it in so people can understand what you're saying. Also when Alice is telling Sen she's a pokemon I think it should be "you're a pokemon" instead of "you're pokemon".
Yes, a new reader has surfaced!

I shall fix that and I'll pay more attention when I type and go over my chapters. Its' readers like you who point my mistakes that help me improve. For that, here's a cookie! And for others who also point out my mistakes, here are cookies for you as well!

-rushes off to fix mistake-

- Kat
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