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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 07-30-2007, 05:35 AM
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Default The Obituary of Oliver Oak!!! [ready for grading]

Okay, well this is my first EVER URPG story, i am pretty confident in it and i hope i make the catch!

Pokemon to Catch: Chimchar
# of Characters [no spaces]: 20,065
# of Characters [spaces]: 24,313
Category: Hard

okay here we go!!!!

The Obituary of Oliver Oak!


Part I: In Cahoots with a Cackling Chimp!

The soft blast of air that connected with the boy’s face was comforting, and his pores erupted in a triumphant joy at the sudden coolness of the Pokemart. As he sidled through the slight crack that the sliding glass doors provided, a soft, metallic bell clanged somewhere over his head in a whimsical way. Gazing up through the tangle of bangs occupying his eyes, Oliver managed to make out the bulk form of the cashier, silently at work sorting the knick-knacks that this store sold to the public.

Now fully inside the miniscule shop, Oliver grasped the sweat-drenched T-shirt that was clinging ever so valiantly to his chest and yanked it away, allowing a burst of air to work its way through the tight opening. His baggy, plaid shorts did nothing to lessen the effects of the heat; they only exposed his legs even further to the wrath of the oncoming sun. Oliver had no room to talk however, for his Electrike, which took to laying at his feet and panting, was coated in thick, green fur, not the best attire for one to be braving temperatures as hot as these. It struggled to inhale, for its crimson tongue was flapping endlessly, making it even more difficult for the cool oxygen to flood the Electrike’s lungs. Looking down at the pitifully sweet sight, Oliver couldn’t help but laugh at how ridiculous it looked with its puffed-up emerald fur surrounding its face, giving it the look of an Eskimo. The boy crossed the tiled floor to a rack of magazines titled: Coordinator Quarterly, making sure that he was out of sight of the cashier, who continued to throw quick, furtive glances in his direction. Oliver fumbled through the collection of magazines, randomly chose one, and plopped down onto the chilled floor. His thumb caressed each page as he flipped mindlessly through it, concentrating on the stack of Pika-Pies stacked into a symmetrical pyramid a few feet away. Dropping the magazine carelessly with a plop, Oliver slid his index finger into the tight space at his side, which served as a convenient pocket and upon feeling nothing but two miniscule pokeballs, moved his hands to the floor. His forearms strained slightly as he pushed himself to his feet, making sure to keep low to the ground and out of sight of the cashier. Oliver peeked through a small crack in the shelves and noticed that the Chinese man was still polishing off the countertop. A sudden clang rang out as the entrance slid open, and the man turned to see the newly arrived customer. Seizing this opportunity, Oliver’s hand shot out to the Pika-pie rack, clumsily took hold of a couple, and stuffed them rudely into the safety of his pocket. Turning on his heels, the boy then walked briskly back to the front of the store, his face burning wildly with fear of being caught, and his Electrike following closely behind. Just as he reached the entrance, a wave of relief washed over him, confirming that he had gotten away with the crime.

That is, until the warbled voice of the cashier rang out around the store, “You! Stop there!” Oliver swiveled in his direction and realized that he had been caught, for the man was pointing a crusty finger in his direction. It all happened in a flash, an unseen Kecleon pulled itself from the wall next to the Pika-pies. It had obviously seen what Oliver had done, for it had blended in with the disturbing puke-colored walls. Before Oliver could react, the room was filled with sound waves emitting from the Kecleon, which had undoubtedly used Screech. Both Oliver and his Electrike fell to their knees, unable to stand due to the high-frequency scream erupting from the chameleon-like pokemon. The air became blurred due to these waves that were causing them so much pain.

The boy managed to utter a single word, “Spark.” With that command, the Electrike rose to its feet and began to glow a faint, distant yellow before a blast of pure electricity came rocketing from its body, enveloping the Kecleon and causing the Screech attack to be cut short. Due to the sudden electric attack, the Kecleon was thrown backwards, spinning uncontrollably, into a row of shelves, which were instantly knocked aside.

“Kecleon, use Faint Attack!” the cashier shrieked as he fought his way through the mess towards Oliver, bent on apprehending the thief. The pokemon instantly, upon hearing the order, disappeared from sight, leaving the Electrike to boggle in surprise. It gazed in all directions, attempting to locate the mysterious pokemon. Oliver knew what was about to happen; though he could not cry out to his pokemon in time. From behind the green dog-like pokemon, the Kecleon reappeared, and shot forward at it, swinging its arms wildly. One glowing claw connected with the Electrike, sending it reeling backward into the cashier and knocking him flat with an oof! Jumping quickly to its feet, the pokemon let out a slight growl, attempting to show dominance, yet not succeeding, for the Kecleon decided, of its own accord, to lunge at it, thrashing its claws yet again.

Oliver could see the man struggling to regain himself and shouted out to his pokemon, “Dodge and follow up with Bite!” Electrike threw itself out of the path of the oncoming Kecleon, colliding with a pile of neatly stacked antidotes, and causing them to scatter across the ground in a jumble of chaos. Unable to stop itself, the Kecleon slid into the pile, and fell on its face only inches from where the Electrike stood. It was at that moment that it leapt onto the Kecleon and latched its teeth deep into the scales of the pokemon, gnawing and chopping on bits of skin here and there, causing the chameleon to cry out in a voice like that of a car horn. It grabbed onto the Electrike and attempted to dislodge the attacking pokemon, but seeing as it wouldn’t let go, the Kecleon seemed content to just pummeling it with a barrage of fists. Both pokemon were now shrieking in pain, though neither would relinquish their attack due to the pride that each held so dear

“That’s enough!” Oliver cried out, unable to watch his Electrike undergo such treacherous pain. As the words left his mouth however, his body was smashed into the hard surface of the floor. Struggling to turn his neck under such weight, Oliver realized that the chubby Chinese man had tackled him, obviously hoping to punish the boy for theft. The man smelled profusely of sweat and cigarette smoke, triggering in on Oliver’s senses and causing him to recoil in disgust. Trapped beneath the 275 pounds that this man carried around, Oliver uttered between gritted teeth, “Get-uh-your-hands-uh-OFF OF ME!” The boy screamed the last words in a fit of rage, not keen to spending even two more seconds beneath this pathetic blob of a man. Shifting around in what little space he was provided, Oliver dug his only free hand into the man’ back, took a handful of flab in his grasp, and twisted, his fingers cracking and throbbing. A howl of pain erupted into his ear, scented with the stale breath that made the boy cry out in an even further disgust. There they lay, entwined, for what seemed like hours, though it may have been only seconds, the man screaming in pain, and Oliver, with tears practically welling up in his eyes, yelling for the man to keep his mouth shut. It came as a sudden relief to Oliver when a green object, streaked in glistening gold, came into view. Apparently, his Electrike did not like the fact that this man had its owner trapped like a bug beneath his behemoth form, and it took to nibbling at the man’s fingers, occasionally letting out a yelp of fury. This pitiful act went on for a few minutes longer before the familiar chime of the entrance rang out and a surprised cry issued forth from the intruder.

Oliver, releasing the bulge of now-red flesh from within his fingers, turned to gaze skyward at the lady standing before them. A knot formed in his throat and slowly made its way into his stomach as Oliver recognized who this lady was. There was no mistaking her appearance: An elegant, yet casual navy blue skirt, matched by a no-sleeved top, embellished with a glistening badge reading “Verdanturf Town P.D.”

“Oh, no, not again Oliver,” Officer Jenny sighed, removing her hat and running her fingers through the light blue hair atop her head, which glistened slightly from the specks of sweat occupying it. “You told me you would at least try to behave.”

Oliver, looking downward in shame, felt as though a thousand pounds had been lifted from his chest as the man pulled himself shakily to his feet. “I didn’t mean to…I…” he muttered, avoiding

“I would like to press full charges on this inconsiderate, worthless, disrespectful piece of -,” the man began, his cheeks dyed a deep red, either due to pure anger, or to the fact that he had been found ruthlessly wrestling with a child half his size.

“That will not be necessary,” Jenny replied, cutting the man off before he could insult the boy even further. “Oh,” she gasped, glancing around at the store in slight shock. The man followed her gaze, his mouth slowly beginning to resemble a large O, probably due to shock. For the first time, Oliver lifted his gaze from the grime-stricken floor and took a look for himself at the damage he and his pokemon had caused. Suppressing a gurgle of laughter that was bent on pouring from his lips, the boy took in the sight of the seemingly tornado-struck Pokemart. Shelves had collapsed on themselves, destroying anything that had once been stacked upon them. Various objects were strewn in every direction, some broken, others barely intact. The freezer doors at the rear of the room, which held frozen treats and lemonade had been blasted open, their glass windows knocked from their frames. The place looked nothing like it had when Oliver had entered, as though he were a swirling mass of energy that caused destruction wherever he went. He looked over at the man who had by now fallen to his knees in a fit of flabbergasted anger, cradling his head in his sweaty palms. Something inside Oliver craved to apologize, yet there was a little inkling somewhere in his mind that wanted to laugh in the man’s face, but neither was strong enough to overcome the boy’s actions, so he sat there squirming, trying to decide what do to. Officer Jenny, who had apparently sensed this internal struggle took Oliver by the hand and led him toward the entrance, stopping just in front of the door.

“Why, why, I ask you to behave and you go off and do something like this again,” Jenny began, a hurt look spread across her face which wrinkled her forehead and made her look much older. Oliver had seen that look way too many times for comfort, and he was always the cause of it, due to all his shenanigans and trouble-making.

“I dunno, I just wasn’t thinking I guess,” he mumbled, again keeping his eyes low to the ground. Oliver took to shuffling his feet in place, and watched as small scuff marks appeared on the reflective-blue tiling, adding even more damage to the already destroyed store.

“You’re thirteen, you should have learned from your mistakes by now, I’m sorry but you are going to have to come into the station,” Jenny said, a strong influence of authority flooding her words.

Struggling to change her opinion, Oliver pleaded,” No, Officer Jenny, please, I promise, I -.” The boy was cut off by her hand, which was lifted into the air, indicating for him to stop. Her decision was final; no amount of begging or pleading would change her mind. Furrowing his brow, he dropped his head, allowing his chin to smack his chest. A soft whine was audible from somewhere to his left and upon turning in that direction, Oliver could see his Electrike curled into a fluffed up ball, seemingly attempting to appeal for Oliver’s forgiveness. Not knowing whether to blame the pokemon or himself for this mess, Oliver dug his hand into the leathery folds of his shorts and procured the shriveled form of a pokeball. Giving it a single click, it expanded to fit the palm of his hand, and he gazed momentarily at the soft light reflected off the glistening red and white surface. Then, with a casual flick of the wrist, he aimed it at his Electrike, and watched as it was distorted into a blob of red light, which retracted back into the depths of the pokeball. Now alone among the policewoman and the fuming store clerk, Oliver turned his direction to the Kecleon, which lay in a daze in the center of the only undisturbed aisle of the store. Its eyes were swirling murkily, giving it the look of a blind rat within the sewers beneath the city. His line of sight however, was quickly blocked by the all too familiar shape of the Chinese man, who apparently wasn’t keen to the idea of the boy looking at his defeated pokemon. In the same fashion as his predecessor, the man brandished a spotted pokeball and forced the fainted Kecleon back into it.
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Last edited by Bryce; 07-30-2007 at 05:53 AM.
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Old 07-30-2007, 05:48 AM
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Default Re: The Obituary of Oliver Oak!!! [ready for grading]

Continued.........

“Well, we might as well get going, I trust that you will not try to run,” Officer Jenny piped up, breaking the silence. Turning, she walked back out through the sliding glass doors, activating that annoying jingle as she did so. “I will send someone over to take a survey of the damage,” she called over her shoulder, as though she could see the man standing there gaping. Oliver, deciding that he didn’t need any more trouble in his life, followed obediently. That first step out into the daylight reminded him of why he had initially entered the store: to cool off. With curled fingers, he smashed his hand to his eyes, blocking out the rays and supplying himself with a modest comfort. It took a minute for the boy to locate the Officer, and upon doing so, noticed that she had driven one of the sleek, new SUVs that the police force had just been granted weeks ago. Seemingly wanting it flaunt them around, the members of the Verdanturf Town Police Department had driven these cars wherever they went, even when off the clock!

Oliver approached the automobile slowly, wanting to prolong the time until he had to face the brutal wrath of his mother, which would occur the minute she saw him accompanied by yet another police officer. His scruffy appearance was reflected back at him as he gazed observantly into the glossy black side of the SUV. Then, with shaky hands, he grabbed the handle and pulled it toward himself.

The interior was just as impressive as the outside, with its smooth leather seats and blinking console set in the front. A static-filled blast issued forth from the police scanner jammed in just below the radio.

*static* Attention unit 14, we have a report of a bridge that could have possibly collapsed just off Countryside Lane, do you copy? Over.

Leaping over the driver’s seat toward the console, Officer Jenny seized the handheld speaker and began to speak into it. “Ten-four base, I am just outside the Pokemart over on 4th and Main, I will be right on it, over.” She turned her attention to her keys, which she jammed into the ignition, almost forgetting about the child that sat next to her. “ Oh, Oliver, buckle up, we have to make a short stop.” Jenny recited, turning the steering wheel away from the curb. Slowly, they began to accelerate, out of sight of the Pokemart, away from the destruction that Oliver had caused. The scenery outside the SUV began to change with every number that clicked over on the speedometer. Now going at about 60 miles an hour, the buildings and faces whizzed by, indistinguishable from the billowing air that passed between the road and sidewalk. Eventually, the packed in streets housing condominiums and apartments transformed themselves into long stretches of wheat fields scattered with rickety shacks framed by the occasional outhouse or two. Within twenty minutes time, the road had curved and swirled into the thick forest surrounding Verdanturf Town, home to the various pokemon species that so rarely ever showed themselves to humankind.

The unmistakable gurgle of rushing water could be heard in the distance and eventually became more and more clear as the raging river came into view. White foam splurged up from the icy depths that for some reason were impenetrable by the blistering sun. The deep sapphire water thrashed and swirled against the surrounding rocks that breached the surface, as though reaching for oxygen. Above this beautiful, yet terrifying scene lay the rickety old bridge that served as the only exit in and out of this cozy little town. The creaking old boards that connected the two areas of land were suspended in midair by the rusted old wires that one depended on while risking their life venturing across this bridge. Even from a distance, Oliver could already make out the gaping hole in the center, where apparently the boards had cracked in half. Small splinters of wood dangled lifelessly from the edges, taking on the form of a crazed bungee jumper just before they are pushed from the safety of the platform.

Silently, Officer Jenny pulled the car to a complete stop just before the bridge’s entrance. She turned to look at Oliver, and gave him that stern, don’t try any funny business look, that many have grown accustomed to seeing on a cop. “Stay here, this will just take a sec,” she mumbled, releasing her seatbelt with a click! She then twirled her upper body to reach for something in the back seat and returned seconds later with a camera.

Jenny stepped from the vehicle and casually ambled over to the massive slit blatantly placed in the bridge. He watched her snap a few pictures and scribble something on a pad of paper, and then losing interest, shifted positions to peer into the back seat. The criss-crossed bars that separated the back and front seats was swinging ajar, and Oliver wondered whether it had ever actually been needed, due to the fact that in his lifetime, no big crime had ever occurred. He began to rifle through the neatly stacked folders that were stacked in the back seat and finding nothing but old house reports, began to search the floor.

A blast of red light issued from somewhere behind him, catching him off guard and causing him to smash his head into the solitary bars. Rubbing his head, he turned to the windshield and noticed a Drifblim floating serenely out over the wreckage as Jenny observed and continued to scribble across the pad she still held. Oliver returned to his work at invading Jenny’s privacy by opening a black briefcase that was shoved crudely beneath the passenger’s seat. He had been so busy being an ignorant jerk that he scarcely heard the soft thump of the driver’s door being pulled open.

Oliver slowly lifted the lid of the briefcase and uttered a soft gasp at the objects that were lain carefully inside. Dozens of miniscule pokeballs lined the casing, all brandished with a signature sprite of the actual pokemon that slept inside. As he reached for a ball marked with the picture of a Gorebyss, his leg tingled with a strange sensation. Glancing down, he realized with a shock that his shorts were currently playing host to a single flickering flame! Struggling to put it out, he beat it with his fists, meanwhile turning to see the cause of it. Seated beside him, whooping with mad laughter was the petite form of a Chimchar, its billowing flame tail threatening to engulf the entire car.

“Oh my god!” Oliver screamed, scrambling to grab the pokemon that resorted to leaping to the floor of the car. Instantly the car lurched forward, and the boy realized with fear that the Chimchar was standing atop the gas petal, beating the floor with its palms. As though on its own, the car sped off toward Jenny, who watched with a look of pure horror. By now, the Chimchar’s flaming backside had ignited the driver’s seat, and a thick layer of smoke issued toward the ceiling. The SUV hurled itself straight into the Drifblim, knocking the pokemon aside, and continued right on off toward the giant hole in the bridge!

Oliver screamed in terror, his lungs threatening to shrivel with every passing second. The sight of the bridge suddenly disappeared as the SUV plummeted toward the water, the Chimchar still cackling with glee. They hit the water hard, and Oliver gazed, half-unconscious around, struggling to find a quick exit. The foaming water rose around them within seconds, bent on taking whatever life still remained within the SUV. He watched as the Chimchar (completely devoid of consciousness) was dragged from the car, straight through the crack in the window. With a surge of strength, coupled with endurance, Oliver leapt toward the monkey and took hold of its scrawny arm, pulling it into a tight embrace. His movements were becoming increasingly sluggish as the chill of the water began to work its way into his body. In some instinctual action, Oliver reached blindly through the murky water to the case which, as he had hoped, was still on the floor of the car. Fumbling with the latch, he grasped the first pokeball that came into contact with his numbed skin. By now, his lungs had been depleted of all oxygen, and hoping against hope that the pokemon within this pokeball could help them in any way, Oliver pressed the button in the center, releasing whatever beast lay in wait.

Darkness rose around him like a veil, sucking the life out of him to the point where he felt as though all hope was lost. But then remarkably, a single ray of blinding red light penetrated that darkness and surrounded the boy, enticing him to fight for the right to live. Snapped back into his senses, he opened his aching eyes to find himself clutching the spiked back of a Lapras, while the Chimchar that had caused this whole ordeal lay unconscious near its neck. The Lapras easily fought its way against the current toward the side of the river, where it dumped off the boy and the monkey pokemon.

Shivering, even in the warmth of the sun shining down upon him, Oliver clambered toward the shore, clutching the injured Chimchar tight in his arms. The once billowing fire on its backside had died down to a flickering ember, indicating that the pokemon was near dead. He set it down with care upon the sandy bank, and proceeded to pump its stomach with clenched fists. Small gurgles of water trickled from the side of its mouth, enticing a feeling of sorrow within the boy at the loss of the pokemon. Oliver could hear Jenny shouting something in the distance, but blocked it out. Nothing mattered more to Oliver now than reviving the Chimchar. Turning his back on seemingly deceased pokemon, he focused on the Lapras that had rescued him. Had that been the pokemon that had come from the pokeball in the briefcase?

Groping blindly for an explanation, Oliver scarcely heard the cough coming from behind him. He turned in time to witness the Chimchar pull itself wearily to its feet, while coughing up torrents of the river’s water. It gave him a fierce look, as though angered that the boy had thought it would give in to death that easy.

Oliver had never seen anything like it in his life. This had to be one of the toughest pokemon he had encountered since receiving his own on that fateful birthday three years ago. Before his mind had even reached a conclusion, his hand had already grasped a pokeball from his waterlogged pocket. It tingled strangely in his hand, probably due to the chill of the water that it had been submerged in. A thought forced its way into his mind as he raised the pokeball-clad hand into the air. Was this really fair? Had he really earned the right to catch this pokemon, even though he had not battled it? An internal battled raged inside of him. Do what is right and let the pokemon escape, or attempt to catch the injured pokemon?

With his mind's eye wandering and blocking his line of vision, Oliver didnt see the monkey lunge at him, its claws outstretched, preparing to strike with a Scrath attack. It collided with Oliver, piercing him lightly with the tips of its nails, and sending a bright stream of scarlet rushing from the wound.

"Ugh," the boy groaned, reaching instinctively for the Electrike's pokeball. In a swift movement, while the Chimchar was still dazed from the collision, the pokeball was sent flying through the air, only to open with the familiar creak and the blinding red light to issue forth. The Electrike was standing there, battle-ready, eyeing the monkey through squinted eyes. It amazed Oliver that no water had penetrated the pokeball, and he stood watching the fluffed green dog. "Alright Electrike, use quick attack!" the boy screamed, eager to begin the battle. In a flash, Electrike dove, headlong in the direction of the Chimchar, intent on knocking it unconscious. The opposing pokemon seemed to sense the attack and leapt into the air just as Electrike reached it. No amount of jumping could help the monkey escape however, and it was sent reeling back to the earth, having been struck by the dog. However much pain it was enduring at the moment, it seemed unfazed. Electrike trotted back to Oliver's side, waiting patiently for a follow-up command. The trainer was not focusing on his pokemon though, Oliver had his eyes locked on the Chimchar, which had taken to glowing a faint orange.

With an animal-like howl, it twirled into the air, a ball of fire enveloping it. It thudded softly back to the ground and spun at the boy and his pokemon, looking like a flaming bicycle wheel. Just as it reached them, Oliver dove into the water, but the Electrike was not so lucky. The fire licked him gently, singing his green hairs and turing them a crisp, charcoal black. A yelp rocketed from his throat, though Oliver was sure that no major damage had been done. "Okay, Electrike, finish this chattering nutcase with a Spark!" he ordered the dog, who looked questioningly back at him before issuing a miniature electric bolt at the Chimchar.

The attack struck it dead in the chest, and by the way it shook and twitched, Alex knew that his plan had succeeded. Since the Chimchar had been submerged beneath the water, its fur wouldnt have dried fast enough, and water conducted electricity, Oliver recited in his head, feeling as though he were speaking to a teacher. His mind whipped back to the battle and he found the Chimchar knocked unconscious, lying peacefully on the sand, the faint stench of smoke seeping from its body. Oliver reached for the other pokeball, wondering again if he had earned the right to catch it, or if this would all be just a sham.

Unable to make a decision, the boy’s arm acted of its own accord, tossing the shimmering pokeball through the ocean spray emitting from the river. It twirled lazily in the air for a brief moment and then struck the Chimchar in the chest, catching the injured pokemon off guard. It was instantly transformed into a beam of pure energy, which was whisked away into the interior of the ball. The spot that had only seconds ago held a determined Chimchar now occupied a single shivering pokeball. It twisted and shook, flashing once………twice………..
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Last edited by Bryce; 08-07-2007 at 05:00 AM.
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Old 07-31-2007, 09:13 PM
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Default Re: The Obituary of Oliver Oak!!! [ready for grading]

just a side note:

i know that there isnt actually a fight against a chimchar because it was already weakened and all, but i did include a battle against a Kecleon...... will that suffice??
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Old 08-07-2007, 04:31 AM
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Default Re: The Obituary of Oliver Oak!!! [ready for grading]

Include like a little bit of battle with Chimchar. Not a lot, just a small amount, and i'll grade it.
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Old 08-07-2007, 05:02 AM
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Default Re: The Obituary of Oliver Oak!!! [ready for grading]

okay i added a battle between the chimchar and Oliver.... it is near the end!
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Old 08-07-2007, 05:21 AM
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Default Re: The Obituary of Oliver Oak!!! [ready for grading]



Introduction: Good detail here, I notice your character likes air... a lot. :P He tries to steal some items, and he gets caught-quickly. :P He tries to run away from the fat chinese man, but its no use! The fat chinese man that exists in every story in pe2k takes him down with all of his weight, and the coppers haul your character away.

Plot:A boy steals from a Pokemart, and gets taken down, and hauled away to jail. On the trip, Officer Jenny gets out, and the car gets stolen by two Pokemon, the Pokemon just about crash it, and then you guys fight.

Detail:Detail was fine, although you used a lot of the same words over and over again. Just for a little help, big words don't always make a better story. I see you did that, trying to make it seem more exciting, but sometimes smaller words are just better.

Battle:This was a problem in your story. The battle was virtually nonexistant, and that hurt you a lot.

Grammar:This also hurt you a bit. Your spelling was fine for the most part, but your paragraphing and spacing could use some work. Most of the story looked just like really big paragraphs, save the detail.

Length:Unless i'm wrong, this is alright.

FINAL OUTCOME:Chimchar captured!

Next time, make the battle actually happen, and the paragraphing right, otherwise, it won't be good enough. I'm also taking into account that this is your first URPG story ever, so you still did a better job than most people. :)
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Old 08-07-2007, 05:34 AM
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Default Re: The Obituary of Oliver Oak!!! [ready for grading]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tamer Marco View Post


Introduction: Good detail here, I notice your character likes air... a lot. :P He tries to steal some items, and he gets caught-quickly. :P He tries to run away from the fat chinese man, but its no use! The fat chinese man that exists in every story in pe2k takes him down with all of his weight, and the coppers haul your character away.

Plot:A boy steals from a Pokemart, and gets taken down, and hauled away to jail. On the trip, Officer Jenny gets out, and the car gets stolen by two Pokemon, the Pokemon just about crash it, and then you guys fight.

Detail:Detail was fine, although you used a lot of the same words over and over again. Just for a little help, big words don't always make a better story. I see you did that, trying to make it seem more exciting, but sometimes smaller words are just better.

Battle:This was a problem in your story. The battle was virtually nonexistant, and that hurt you a lot.

Grammar:This also hurt you a bit. Your spelling was fine for the most part, but your paragraphing and spacing could use some work. Most of the story looked just like really big paragraphs, save the detail.

Length:Unless i'm wrong, this is alright.

FINAL OUTCOME:Chimchar captured!

Next time, make the battle actually happen, and the paragraphing right, otherwise, it won't be good enough. I'm also taking into account that this is your first URPG story ever, so you still did a better job than most people. :)
erm.... alright....
i guess i kinda see how you could find fault with the paragraphing, a little bulky i know and yes i guess i could have used a couple words more than once, [and i know you are a grader and everything} but i completely disagree with your view on the battle. The two battles that i displayed in this story were packed with detail and everything that would help you envision it, and i just cant see how it was non-existent. I have read some of the other storys that you have graded and i can tell you that their battles were much shorter and much much less detailed than mine and you didnt say anything about those. I know i made the capture and all, but i ask you to go back and re-read the battle sequences, because what you said was injustice to them...... so please go back and read them again, because it seems as though you might have skipped a couple paragraphs.....

but anyways thanks for the review/grade i guess...
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  #8  
Old 08-07-2007, 05:47 AM
Tamer Marco Offline
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Default Re: The Obituary of Oliver Oak!!! [ready for grading]

No, you still misunderstand me. Your detail didn't have any problems, it was the fact that you and the Chimchar didn't go one on one or anything. Thats really the staple of URPG stories. And i'll re-read it to see if I missed anything, which I probably did.

EDIT: Wow, I missed a whole section of it. ._. I still wish that the battle was more traditional, but I can't say that nothing happened.

Last edited by Tamer Marco; 08-07-2007 at 05:51 AM.
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Old 08-07-2007, 06:10 AM
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Default Re: The Obituary of Oliver Oak!!! [ready for grading]

its okay...... it just sounded as though you missed a part
thanks for the grade!
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