Member List
Calendar
F.A.Q.
Search
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  
 

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 07-31-2007, 07:20 PM
HorrorScope's Avatar
HorrorScope Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 2)
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: f u man
Posts: 2,337
Send a message via AIM to HorrorScope Send a message via MSN to HorrorScope Send a message via Yahoo to HorrorScope
Default Early Action

Early Action

Right... This is my first URPG story so it might not be that good but I'd like it to be....

Pokemon to Catch: Mankey
Story Type: Simple
Characters: 5082
Words: 846



It was a Sunny Friday morning and Robin still wasn't out of his comfortable bed at home, He was sprawled across it with his only Pokemon Totodile snoozing on the floor, Making sounds as it slept quietly.
A loud bang occured which shook Robin's bed making him groan at the sign of getting up, The bang wasn't really a bang but it was just his annoying little alarm clock, Which was making an ear-piercing ringing tone.

"It's not that time already is it?", Robin said whilst letting out a slow yawn in the sign of his tiredness.

To his surprise Totodile jumped up onto his bed and leaped onto him in a loveable manor.

"Woah!, Totodile Hey!, You sure gave me a fright," Robin said whilst sitting up and getting changed.

For his journeys he wore a Blue and White striped T-Shirt and over that a Black unzipped jacket, Going down he wore some Blue Jeans which were slightly worn out but perfect for his adventures, He also wore some green and white sporty Trainers which he wore practically everywhere.

After that he walked out his bedroom door with his Totodile following, He twisted the bronze handle and shuffled out his room going downstairs to the Kitchen, He came into contact with his Mum who then said.

"Breakfast then Robin??"

"I'll just have an Apple, Im too eager to start my Pokemon journey!," He said scoffing an Apple into his face.

His Mum smiled at him and handed him his backpack.

"Well here you go and remember to try your hardest and have fun!"

He nodded and walked off out the door, Still chomping on the Green Apple.

The sun shone deeply onto his street as he walked off down the pathway.

"You ready for this Totodile?," Robin said grinning.

Totodile looked up at Robin and gave a big smile, Which indoubtfully ment 'Yes'.

"Great stuff!, I just can't wait!"

Just as they left down the street they soon came across fellow trainers and their Pokemon, All looking pretty tough.

He thought to himself, "We'll be there someday....

After a little while travelling they came to a set of hills and some empty buildings, Across an unusual set of plains.

"This place looks pretty deserted, It's Starting to creep me out,"

Just as they were coming to the end of the mysterious place a strange Pokemon popped out in front of his very eyes.
It started off as an odd sillhouette but then appeared out to be a Mankey blocking the pathway out of the strange place.

"Nice!, That looks like a pretty cool Pokemon.... I think I remember that that's an Mankey!,"

Totodile grinned and looked up at Robin with some eyes hungry for battle.

"Ok then Totodile!, Lets try and catch it!,"

Totodile took a battle stance at instant, While the Mankey watched both Robin and Totodile waiting to see what they were up to.

"Ok Totodile!, Hit it with a Water Gun to start off!,"

The little Alligator like Water Pokemon dived to the side and unleashed a burst of water which headed for the wild Mankey, But before it could hit the annoyed Monkey like Pokemon used Leer which startled Totodile making it feel all strange and light headed.

Robin gave a surprised look and looked to the Mankey,

"Woah, Didn't see that coming..."

Totodile shook the Leer off and concentrated back on Mankey.

"Ok Totodile, We know what it's capable of we will have to show it some skill of our own!,"

Mankey was only stood just a few meters away from Totodile and was glaring into their eyes.

"Now Totodile!, Use Leer quickly!,"

Totodile's eyes went red as it used a blinding Leer back on Mankey as it stumbled backwards.

"Now get up close while it's startled and get it with Scratch!,"

The almost blinded Mankey got up but wasn't quick enough to avoid Totodile's claws and they ripped across it's face making it fall to the ground getting weak.

"Nice going Totodile!," Robin said to his Pokemon as it gave a smile back then turned back to Mankey, Which was looking very angry and ready to unleash an Attack of it's own.

The wild Mankey immediately then kicked off the ground and stretched out it's leg ready to use a Low Kick attack.

"Totodile wait until the last second then dodge and use Water Gun!,"

It nodded and waited as Mankey travelled through the air at a quick speed, Just before it's foot collided with Totodile it dodged and jumped high into the air.

Totodile then came thundering back down and fired a Water Gun at the weak and exhausted Mankey, The blast of Water spiralled across the plains before hitting the Mankey into the dirt making it skid across the plains not moving.

"Great work Totodile!," Robin said whilst grinning and holding a Pokeball in his hand, The Ball shone in the light whilst Robin couldn't wait to throw it because this was his first taste in actually capturing a Wild Pokemon.

Robin threw the Pokeball at once heading straight for the Mankey, The big question still remained though, Was Robin about to catch the Mankey?, The ball twitched as the flash of light enclosed Mankey within the ball, But all that happened was it rolled side to side.....
__________________
[VPP -- Trophies -- About Me -- URPG]

Formerly known as huncrew

Last edited by HorrorScope; 08-02-2007 at 10:46 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-03-2007, 01:22 AM
Seawolf's Avatar
Seawolf Offline
I has a stik
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illium
Posts: 10,894
Send a message via AIM to Seawolf
Default Re: Early Action

This is your first story, so I'll go easy on you.

Story: Nothing too out of the ordinary, really. This is actually like most first stories here, which is to say, it follows the basic premise of going out and starting your Pokemon journey with your new companion. I'm not going to attack you about this since you are new, but I think I should say that something like this will only work for simple stories. If you write for something rare, keep in mind you will need something a little more original to be successful. ;)

This is fine for Mankey, though, and I didn't see too many problems with this, besides the plot, some grammar issues, and maybe details.

Spelling/Grammar: I found a few things, so I'll post those here.

Quote:
It was a Sunny Friday morning and Robin still wasn't out of his comfortable bed at home, He was sprawled across it with his only Pokemon Totodile snoozing on the floor, Making sounds as it slept quietly.
First of all, you seem to capitalize random words. If something isn't a person, place, or thing, then you don't need to capitalize it. That includes 'sunny' and 'making'. Also, starting with the word 'home', you would add a semicolon [;] there and not a comma; the word 'he' would also not be capitalized since it's still part of the sentence. You can use a period instead of the semicolon, but the comma and the capitalized word there you have now is incorrect.

Quote:
A loud bang occured which shook Robin's bed making him groan at the sign of getting up, The bang wasn't really a bang but it was just his annoying little alarm clock, Which was making an ear-piercing ringing tone.
You could shorten this, as I think using more words than necessary can make the sentence drag on too much and bore your readers. You could just start with something like... "A loud bang occured, shaking Robin's bed and causing him to groan at the sight of his alarm clock."

The word 'which' is also capitalized for some reason. Anyway, this is more of a suggestion than anything.

Quote:
To his surprise Totodile jumped up onto his bed and leaped onto him in a loveable manor.
The word is actually spelled as leapt. You could always use a dictionary to check words you aren't sure about.

Quote:
"Breakfast then, Robin??"
You need commas to indicate where someone would pause in dialogue, and in this case, it would be after 'then'. Try reading it out loud and see for yourself. You missed these frequently, so try and brush up on comma usage!

You should work on not capitalizing random words (remember, nouns only!), comma usage, and sentence structure.

Length: This is just enough for Mankey. Good work.

Detail/Description: While there could be more here, this was fine for something so simple. I could easily see the story as it was taking shape, but you could take more care as to telling us what things look like - that includes the main character, his mother, and even the Pokemon. You described clothes, but not any of their looks. It's important that you provide descriptions for people in your work, as they'll be the main focus of your stories, you want readers to relate to them. Otherwise, if they're not convincing enough, the story will fall flat.

Even if it's only two or three sentences of description for each thing, they'd make a big difference!

Battle: I liked how you lowered Mankey's defenses, then used the appropiate moves to weaken it. That was pretty smart, and I usually don't see much strategies used in early stories.

Perhaps next time, you could try to spice this section up by throwing in a surprise or two. We know you're going to try capturing it, but don't make it so easy for yourself. You want to make things interesting, after all.

Outcome: Mankey Captured! - It was close, but this was a decent first story, although you should work on a few things next time around.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-03-2007, 09:33 AM
HorrorScope's Avatar
HorrorScope Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 2)
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: f u man
Posts: 2,337
Send a message via AIM to HorrorScope Send a message via MSN to HorrorScope Send a message via Yahoo to HorrorScope
Default Re: Early Action

Ok thanks a lot, I still don't know why I capitalize random words it's just something I do.

All in all I can see where your coming from, I will try to aim for a better story next time.

Away from that I caught a Mankey!
__________________
[VPP -- Trophies -- About Me -- URPG]

Formerly known as huncrew
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:15 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: AlienSector.com