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Old 08-19-2007, 10:09 PM
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Default The Ice Ring Makers

A/N: K, so this story is about aliens. So, if you're one of those graders obsessed with the reality portion of your evaluations, this isn't for you. :b :) Hope you enjoy it. Oh, and I will explain why this dude is face-down in the snow later. :P

I awoke suddenly. There was something white covering my body. It was something cold and soft and flaked. Where am I? I thought. My eyes rubbed against it as I opened them, and I was cooled and relaxed. Something told me I shouldn't feel that way, though. Something was nagging at my very soul, trying to reel me back into my sadness.

Then, as I tried to move, I felt the filtering mask attached to my face, and everything hit me. Flashes of horrible memories flowed through my mind as I remembered the way in which I had ended up here. I saw faces of the ones I loved. I heard the screams of my family.

I must find them! My mind shouted. I pushed my arms outward, shoveling through the powder that covered me. It moved and weaved between the fur on my body, bringing my temperature closer to what it was used to. Snow, I remembered. That's what he had called it. Disoriented, I struggled to find the top of it, and eventually, I broke free, breathing anxiously through the tubes attached to my waist. The filter blocked air from entering my lungs, keeping me alive, but I was not so sure I wanted that anymore... I closed my eyes as I replayed the horrible events that had brought me here.

There were three of us, originally. My mate and our child were coming along on a trip to the Northern Ice Caps of Mars, where we would find more supplies to build dwellings for the peoples of Saturn. These homes rotated around the planet. We built the ice rings there, and that is where our species had decided to settle so long ago. This is why we had become known across galaxies as the Ring Makers. Within the past two centuries, however, we were running out of room as our population was constantly increasing, and so, trips were frequently made to Mars, to gather more unused ice.

This time, though, everything was different. Something, and still, I do not know what, had gone wrong. Our mission could have even been sabotaged... We had been approaching the Red Planet, and my wife, Aktal, had come to the front of the ship. “We should slow down, Erosin. We're approaching quickly,” she said, putting a hand on my shoulder and running the other through her long, brown hair.

Nodding, I pulled the lever towards the side, and I listened to hear the flames in the back dying down. At first, I had thought it was delayed, but after waiting a moment, fear struck me hard.

“What's wrong?” Aktal asked, hands pressed against her sides and holding the white cloth that covered her body.

My head whipped around to look at her. “I don't know! I just tried slowing down, and...” But I did not need to finish it.

Aktal jumped into the seat next to mine, fiddling with buttons and pedals and levers in a manner that was foreign to me. She was an experienced pilot, after all, but she usually allowed me to fly when we traveled, trying to help me learn the ways of the ship better. I felt relaxed for a moment, knowing she would come to the rescue. Then, however, she stopped and turned to look at me, horror washing over her face.

“It's...” She started.

Then, emergency lights began flashing, and I was blinded by brilliant reds and whites. The sirens were sounding, drowning out our screams of terror and panic. The ship's speed was increasing rapidly as we flew by the Red Planet, passing the white, swirling Northern Ice Caps we had intended to land upon.

Aktal and I grabbed each other and started moving towards the back of the ship. I clung to her waist as the vessel that carried us began to rock out of control, nearly sending us both crashing countless times.

“Laerin!” I called to my son. “Laerin, are you okay?”

For a moment, all I could hear above the ringing sirens was someone shouting, but as we neared his bedroom, Laerin came out safely, his Clefairy clinging tightly to his leg.

“Clef,” she shuddered, her black eyes wide and bright.

“It's okay,” the short, brown-haired Laerin said, trying to comfort her. “We'll find a way out of this.” He was surprisingly calm in this situation.

“Laerin,” I said, leaning down and grabbing his shoulder. “Did you foresee this?”

He looked away, off to the side, his dark eyes covered in shadow. “I am ashamed that I did not tell you sooner...”

“Laerin! Then why would you be so anxious to come?!” I found myself shouting, angry that, because of this trip, my only son might die...

“Okay, everyone grab emergency packs!” Aktal screamed, interrupting us, and we followed her orders, reaching for sacks at the very back of the ship's metal interior. We ripped them open, barely bothering to unzip them as the ship careened toward an unknown place in the galaxy. We tore out the portable filter systems, which would prevent any air from entering our bodies. Fumbling and tripping from the vessel's jerking movements, we put them on, masks over our mouths and air tanks strapped over our shoulders. Then, we grabbed the extending gliders, which came in a rectangular cloth tied up in string, and placed their straps around our shoulders and over the top of the air filter.

Aktal turned to Laerin, Clefairy, and me. “We cannot jump until we are through the atmosphere!”

“What atmosphere?” I yelled over the sirens. I had not a clue as to where we were headed. This had never happened before. It was truly a disaster...

Aktal did not answer with her words, but pointed out of the ship's window instead. I stepped forward the see what she was directing my attention to, and I looked outside to see a huge, blue planet. White clouds swirled above it gracefully, and where they disappeared, green and blue shined through.

“Earth,” I whispered in awe. But I was very frightened at the same time. Stories of Earth's peoples never had happy endings when I had heard them... I had always assumed them to be rumors, but now that we were actually going to land on Earth, I cursed myself for not finding out for sure. I could have talked to those that experienced Earthlings first-hand, but I did not, and I would have to find out for myself now...

And then, we were bursting through the thick atmosphere of Earth, and red and white and orange flames wrapped around us. Fortunately, we built our ships to withstand extreme heat and cold, and they were heavily insulated, keeping the temperature regulated, despite what happened outside. Soon, the flames diminished, and now, there was white and blue coming straight for us.

We whipped through some of the white, lacey clouds, thin as they were, and now were headed for a brighter, more solid white below us. I looked at my love and she at me, and we grasped each others hands tightly. I turned around and grabbed Laerin, and he held on to Clefairy's paw.

Huddling close, we made our way for the door. It was large and arch-shaped, and, not unlike the rest of the ship, it was made of a smooth, silver titanium. I let go of my family for a moment and grabbed the strong latch of the door, ready to pull it out. Soon, it would release us and stop us from landing like a wild comet amongst the unsuspecting people of Earth.

Before, though, I gave one last look at my family. I shook my head and readied myself, then, still holding my wife's arm, I yanked the metal handle towards me. Instantly, the door broke away and flew behind us, and then, it was no where in sight. We followed shortly after, flying out of the ship in a line, hanging on to one another's arms.

“CLEF!” I heard the terrified Pokemon scream. And we all followed her, yelling and crying in our fear. We plummeted to the earth rapidly, but we were surprised by the difference in pull. Our planet's gravitational force was extremely strong – strong enough to hold thick chunks of ice so that they orbited in rings around it – but falling to a foreign planet, no matter how slowly, was not a comforting situation.

Our ship rocketed by, flames trailing from its rear and smoke left to disintegrate slowly into the sky. We watched it fall all the way down. Then, it crashed onto Earth's surface, and the sound of its explosion probably could have been heard from our home planet.

As we approached the pure white beneath us, I heard Aktal yell as loudly as she could. “NOW!” And we listened, reaching back and ripping the strings that bundled our gliders together. The heavy, triangular sheets expanded above us instantly, and it felt as if we were being abruptly tugged upward by the drastic decrease in speed.

For a moment, my arms flailed in the air as I tried to regain my balance, but soon, I was floating down safely and gradually, as was the rest of my family. I looked around as I did, and to the side of me was a blue and gray sky, dotted by occasional clouds. Below was the white stuff, which, as I could finally make out some detail, was bordered by a dark, black liquid.

Last edited by silverfrost; 08-21-2007 at 12:01 PM.
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Old 08-20-2007, 01:14 PM
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Default Re: The Ice Ring Makers

We descended upon the white ground, our feet hitting against the wet, powdered floor of the strange planet. Immediately, I began sweating. It was far too warm for me here, and I knew that I should have carried along a fully-insulated suit to keep me cooler. The others were uncomfortable too. I watched as my son dropped to his knees and his hands felt the white ground.

I followed suit, bending low and feeling what was beneath my feet. And now, I realized, it was some kind of powdered ice. I rubbed my hands through it graciously, thankful that there was something colder on the boiling-hot planet.

Aktal remained standing, and she turned to look at where our ship had gone. It was rather simple to find really, because smoke rose up and spread throughout the blue and gray sky, and the source had to be our damaged vessel.

“Father,” Laerin said dreamily from behind me.

I turned around quickly to see that he was staring up at the sky. I followed his gaze and caught exactly what he was looking at. An odd, flying ship of some sort was zooming by, and as it went past us, it made a gushing noise. It looked like a spaceship, anyway, with a narrow snout and two wings, with jets of fire in the back.

“What is-” I began.

“A vessel of man,” my son said, still focused on the flying contraption.

I wanted to ask how he knew, but there were so many things that I did not understand about my son, the seer. He seemed to know far too much, especially for his age, and he was wise and intimidating to the adults in our culture, as well.

In fact, he had been the one to insist that our kin had descended from the two-legged Earthlings called “humans” or “man.” He would tell us stories in which some of a species called Homo Erectus had divided, and some had found a way to go into space. The others, however, did not want to leave their roots, and cursed and criticized the others for leaving. Still, they left and adapted to much different conditions. But that was nearly two million years ago, or so Laerin had said, and no one had ever dared to venture to Earth to make sure...

Then, I realized something. The ship was not flying past us, but it was descending slowly upon the ground. I could now make out some foreign script I could not read, and a striped and starred emblem of red, blue and white on the side. It pulled up as it began to land in the distance, but we could not see it fully, for soon, it had sunk behind a tall ridge of the powdery ice all about us.

“What should we do?” I asked my wife.

She looked at me, expressions of concern and doubt on her face. “I... I don't know.”

My son turned to look at us, and Clefairy followed him. “Just wait.”

Aktal and I looked at one another again, but this time, more than anything, we were both frustrated. We just wanted answers. We wanted to understand our son and his desires and visions. Most of all, we didn't want him making trouble for himself...

He sensed our worry. “Do you not want to meet them?”

“Meet...?” Aktal asked, frowning.

“The humans,” he said simply.

I wanted to grab my family and run. I wanted to find a way to hide them forever, but it was too late. Not a moment after Laerin had uttered the words, there was something coming over the hills of powder beyond. It was dark green in color, and looked as if it was some sort of metal material. It rolled along the white stuff, carrying six or so passengers that I could barely make out from this distance.

Then, when they got closer, I saw them. They were dressed in suits of green and brown patterns, wearing hats on their strange, fur-less faces. But right away, I was shocked. I saw the blatant resemblance to us- the shape of the body, the similar facial features, the upper limbs that were so close to ours. I was not truly in awe, however, until they stopped their vehicle and stepped out. And there they stood, same shaped bodies and balancing on two legs. I had not witness any other creatures in this solar system to be bipedal.

“The legends that Laerin has told...” Aktal muttered, eyes wide in wonder.

“Yes, we must be related to these creatures somehow,” I returned in the same dazed voice.

They approached us, holding black, pointed tools similar to what we used to capture our frozen water. They stood in some kind of line, as if this was planned and organized.

One in front, wearing a darker uniform, said something, but none of us could understand him. He said the words more loudly and slowly, as if that would help us learn his language all of a sudden.

“We are the Ring Makers,” Laerin said in response, and Aktal and I glanced at one another again, perplexed.

The human in front of us said something else, and Laerin was able to answer again. “Come with you? Why, human?”

My heart started beating hard. What was happening? We were all in the dark, save for Laerin, who somehow knew the language of these humans. But the men could not seem to understand what he was saying.

No,” he said again, this time more forcefully.

Then, without warning, the humans perched the tools against their shoulders. The three of us turned to run away, unsure of what would happen to us, but we were far too slow for the weapons of these creatures. Moments later, pieces of rope, strung together in squares, were being thrown at us. One of them missed me by only a bit, and I looked to my side to see Aktal, Laerin, and Clefairy. Horror struck me as I realized that they were not flanking me.

I turned around to see my worst nightmare. There was my wife and child, trapped beneath the porous things. They were both pushing the ropes away from their bodies, struggling to break free.

“Erosin! Go!” My wife screamed at me.

“Father! Run, or else they will catch you beneath their nets, too!” Laerin yelled, his voice cracking in fear. “Go beneath the snow! And take Clefairy to safety!”

It was then that I noticed the little pink Pokemon, using her fairy wings to propel herself through the air and towards me. She landed in front of me, shaking and shivering in her fright.

I refused my son's request immediately, trying to plow around the Pokemon to rescue my family, but something stopped me. I looked down to see Clefairy holding onto the fur of my leg. She let go a short time later and placed her paws out in front of her. There, a brilliant, shining screen began to form, and it shielded us from the attacks of the humans. I tried to push through it, but I could not, and the fairy Pokemon kept widening it, and it kept going for a long ways, until it began to curve to the side and head the other way.

“Wow,” I muttered, astonished by the little Pokemon's powers.

Quickly, she grabbed my hand and tugged me backwards, and I was forced to go with her. We went deep inside the hold of the multiple Light Screen attacks, and I looked around, seeing that it was forming a huge dome around us.

Clefairy brought me between two mounds of snow, where we both collapsed to the ground, heaving and panting from exhaustion.

“I have to get them back!” I screamed desperately.

“Clef,” the pink Pokemon uttered sadly.

We were shadowed by the heaps of snow, and it seemed as if we were in our own tiny world here, what with the Light Screen surrounding us like a hard, protective bubble.

It was quiet only for a moment, however, and I'd barely had a chance to catch my breath before Clefairy jerked upright and started to look around nervously.

“What?” I asked her, but then, I heard what she had. There was some sort of pounding outside. It sounded like someone trying to break through a thin, sheet of metal, and it reverberated through the Light Screen dome all around us.

Clefairy and I rose to look around, but I was terrified that it was the humans breaking through to capture us... Then, we would have absolutely no chance at all to save our family.

However, when my head rose above the snow and back into the light, I saw something I did not recognize. It was a triangular creature, with a black face and huge, white teeth. Its tiny, beady, blue eyes rested above the huge mouth, and around its body, a tan hide was wrapped like a coat. Black, rounded feet stuck out from the bottom of its triangular shape and round forepaws protruded from its front.

Last edited by silverfrost; 08-21-2007 at 12:10 PM.
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Old 08-20-2007, 02:51 PM
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Default Re: The Ice Ring Makers

“Sno... RUNT!” It said forcefully as it knocked against the Light Screen with the top of its pointed head.

“No!” I ran out from my cover, waving my furred arms. Clefairy followed me, hobbling through the snow. “Clefairy,” I said to her, “we will have to break the Light Screen eventually to rescue Laerin and Aktal, but we will need a plan first. We cannot let this... Snorunt creature ruin our temporary safety!”

But the odd Pokemon kept at it, thrusting its body into the defensive wall relentlessly, even after I told it to stop five or six more times.

“We have to stop it! Are you up to battle, Clef?” I asked her.

“Clefairy!” She said, smiling and nodding.

“Okay, use Pound!” I screamed.

Clefairy jumped into the air and headed straight for the ice Pokemon, who was not paying attention to us at all. She threw her paw backwards at first, then slammed it forward, right onto the Snorunt's body. The ice Pokemon was immediately stopped from breaking our defense, and was thrown backwards, hitting its flat back against the powdery snow behind it.

“Snorunt.” It turned to face us finally, glaring and growling. And now, it lowered its head upon Clefairy, and charged at her.

“Watch out, Clefairy!” I shouted, but it was too late, and Clefairy was just too slow. The Snorunt collided with her, causing her to fall back and wail, as if taking its revenge, eye for an eye.

“Clefairy, Sing!”

Clefairy obeyed, opening her mouth. From it flowed a sweet, soft tune, and even I started to become drowsy as the sound waves poured all around me.

Snorunt was wise to this, however, and jumped up into the air. Rotating its body one-hundred and eighty degrees, it was suddenly facing downwards, and it flung itself towards the soft snow beneath it. Using gravity and the ideal, pointed shape of its body, it successfully dug beneath the ground, avoiding the sleep attack that Clefairy had attempted.

Clefairy was bewildered, unsure of what had just happened. She seemed so confident about using her Sing attack, so the fact that it had not worked must have been a shock to her.

“Clefairy! Quick, use a Defense Curl!” I called.

The fairy Pokemon began to encase herself in a shell, but Snorunt would not let this happen. Just as she was nearly finished with her defensive maneuver, the ice Pokemon rose above the ground, and began shooting a huge gust of wind towards her. Streaming in the wind, however, were balls of clumped snow.

“Dodge!” I yelled, praying she could get away from the icy attack.

She jumped up and away, but was pummeled by one of the small snowballs. It hit her foot, sending her tumbling through the air. “Clef!” She yelled, disoriented, and her body landed on its side, crunching against the powdered ice.

“Are you okay, Clefairy?” I asked nervously.

Shortly after, she rose and nodded at me, a determined expression upon her typically kind and cute face.

“Now, use Minimize!” I yelled.

This time, Clefairy had time to use the attack. Immediately, she began shrinking to a much smaller size, making it a lot more difficult for Snorunt to hit her. There, she waited for the ice Pokemon to try its attacks again.

This time, Snorunt tried a much stronger ice attack. It put its paws forward, and, closing its eyes, released a powerful, swirling wind. Packed within it were sharp fragments of ice and larger, denser snowballs than it had released before. The attack shot through the air, pushing towards Clefairy with a strong current, and its wings howled and roared viciously.

“MOVE!” I screamed.

The tiny version of Clefairy rose into the air, flying out of the way successfully. Then, she turned to face the disappointed Snorunt, as the rest of the Blizzard attack flowed beneath her body.

“Use Doubleslap!”

Clefairy soared downwards immediately, falling through the cold air towards Snorunt. The ice Pokemon turned on its heels to run, but Clefairy grabbed him from behind. “Sno!” He screamed as she whirled his body around to face her. She extended her paws backwards and released slap after slap, smacking the ice Pokemon over and over.

“Good!” I yelled, and I started to feel slightly more relieved. That is, until Snorunt tried fighting back...

The ice-type was opening its jaws, and its huge teeth began shining and then freezing...

“No! It's an Ice Fang!” I called, familiar with most ice moves.

“Clef!” The normal-type called as she pushed her body away from that of Snorunt. Using her tiny wings, she landed delicately on the powdered ice behind, still facing Snorunt.

Then, I remembered an attack that would be super effective against an ice-type Pokemon... “Now, use Wake-up Slap!”

Clefairy rose, weaving and turning through the air as Snorunt attempted to stop her. She successfully dodged its Headbutt attacks, however, and closed in for the final blow. With force, she slammed her palm against Snorunt's body, and the fighting attack seemed to do the trick. Snorunt wobbled and tried to regain its balance for a few moments, but then, collapsed to the snow, laying there with blue eyes closed.

“We will need some help getting Aktal and Laerin back, right? Might as well catch it,” I said, reaching into the emergency pack on my back. Inside, I took out a cube that was separated into four smaller cubes. Pressing one of them, it expanded, and the four blocks hovered in the air. “To Snorunt!” I commanded the Pokecube, and the data collector floated towards the ice Pokemon. The four cubes floated around it for a moment, and then, the triangular Pokemon's body began to glow a red color, and as the cubes snapped back together, its data was held inside.

I looked over at Clefairy with an anxious smile before turning back to watch the Pokecube. It shook back and forth, wobbling as Snorunt tried to break free...

* * * * *
Status: Ready to be graded
Pokemon: Snorunt
Category: Medium (10-20k)
Length: 22,557 characters
* * * * *

Last edited by silverfrost; 08-21-2007 at 04:19 AM.
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Old 09-08-2007, 02:31 AM
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Default Re: The Ice Ring Makers

Story: Wow, definitely original. The whole idea was great, and the way that you explained about the species diverging from each other was very believable. I really liked the idea of the Ring Makers and the way that you introduced new aspects of your characters throughout the story instead of just describing them at the start. Laerin's ability really intrigued me, and for a story about aliens, I think you made it as 'real' as possible, especially the way the Earthlings reacted, so well done ^^

Grammar/Spelling: Everything looks good here.

Description: I never really got a clear idea of what Erison and his family look like until the middle of the story, but I think this added to the overall effect, and the descriptions of them were put in very well throughout. They're definitely interesting creatures.

The detail you put into the ship and the background of the characters really added to the story and I liked how you mentioned the atmosphere and different gravities, everything seems really well planned out. Clefairy's a good Pokemon for an alien. ^^

Length: More than enough.

Battle: I'm not sure why Snorunt would attack the Light Screen, but the way you brought it into the story was good.

Your use of a variety of defensive and offensive moves was well done, and the balance between the Pokemon's strengths was also good to see. I liked the idea of Sing 'flowing' from Clefairy. You definitely know what you're doing. =)

I thought the 'Pokecube' was really clever, especially how it floated over to the Pokemon by itself when Erosin commanded it. Cool idea. xD

Outcome: Snorunt Captured! Sorry for the short grade and the long wait ^^; Have fun with Snorunt and I hope you continue this, I'd be very interested to see what happens to Erosin and his family. I hope they're alright. ^^
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Old 09-08-2007, 01:39 PM
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Default Re: The Ice Ring Makers

Originally Posted by Pokemon Trainer Sarah View Post
Battle: I'm not sure why Snorunt would attack the Light Screen, but the way you brought it into the story was good.
Ah, I guess I was thinking that he was trapped inside of it. Like it was a shield, but Snorunt was inside when Clefairy made it (obviously Clef. was unaware), so Snorunt was just confused and trying to get outside of it.

Outcome: Snorunt Captured! Sorry for the short grade and the long wait ^^; Have fun with Snorunt and I hope you continue this, I'd be very interested to see what happens to Erosin and his family. I hope they're alright. ^^
No, your grade was great. :) Thanks so much. And I'm glad you found the story and characters original.
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