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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 08-25-2007, 11:34 AM
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Default Skitty Fall Down [Ready for Grading]

Khalid Michael Dana
Slateport City, Hoenn
Words: 2,068.
Characters: 11,565
Pokemon Capture: Skitty



It was a day like any other. Khalid was travelling and got lost by not looking at his map. It was so like him to not look at the map and act as if he knew the way around The Hoenn even though he has never been here. Khalid always put his pride before him. He was the type of person who does stuff the good old fashion. Like his father did before the accident. Khalid saw a resting spot which would be perfect for him to think about his dad and his pokemon can have a rest. Khalid released his 2 pokemon Eevee & Corphish. They were so pleased to be out that the two pokemon began dancing. It was a beautiful day and the sun was just setting. It was nearly time to camp out for somewhere to sleep so Khalid decided he may as well just stay here since it was undisturbed by anyone and anything. Khalid moved to a resting position and be the time he knew it he was fast asleep. A good few minutes past until Khalid heard the sound of a hurt Skitty. Khalid eyes shot open as he heard the cry of the pokemon once again. Khalid gathered his things as quick as possible and then he followed the sound of a cry until he saw the badly hurt Skitty. Khalid took off his coat and wrapped it round Skitty. Khalid looked at the injured pokemon and then looked around in hopes to find a pokemon center or a near hospital but it was too dark to see anything. He then remembered he had a flash light in his backpack and then got it out. Khalid followed a shining light in the sky hoping that was the light of the Pokemon Center.

“Don’t worry buddy I’ll get some help for you.” Khalid pleasantly said.

Khalid looked at the Skitty whose was now resting. Khalid saw a collar around his neck and it held a gold dog tag. Khalid read the words that were engraved on it. It said ‘Property of Daniel Larthington’. Khalid was furious to know that this pokemon had a trainer for two. One, because he wanted to capture it and two, it was abandoned by his trainer. The two finally made it to the pokemon center where Nurse Joy was stressed out and tired. Khalid approached the desk with a relieved look on his face but was concerned on why was Nurse Joy so tired. Khalid gave Skitty to nurse Joy,

“I found him abandoned and injured in the woods…please take care of him.” Khalid begged desperately.

Nurse Joy looked at the badly hurt Skitty and quickly took it and looked around for her Chansey.

“I & Chansey will make sure she is back to full health.” Nurse Joy said with a happy face painted on.

Khalid sat at the waiting room just hoping Skitty is okay and better. Khalid sat there and then a young boy about the same age as Khalid walked in. He had blonde hair and tanned-ish skin. He was wearing black jean and a white top with black sneakers. Khalid looked at him and turned away not really caring who he was. The boy walked to the front desk in a posh manor. He waited until Nurse Joy appeared.

“Hi, my name is Daniel Larthington. Have you seen my Skitty? The little bugger ran away from me.” Daniel asked

He recognised his name and turned to Daniel. He stood up from his chair and walked towards him. Khalid looked at his bodily actions and he knew didn’t give a damn about Skitty.

“I found Skitty injured and alone in the woods.” Khalid told Daniel

Daniel turned around to see Khalid. Daniel gave him a dirty look as if he was looking down at Khalid. Khalid gave a very mean look at him back which then began a rivalry.

“…and who might you be Boy?” Daniel said rudely

Khalid offered up his hand but Daniel didn’t take it. Khalid felt a tad bit embarrassed as he moved his hand back. Khalid was still angry that this boy was Skitty’s owner and yet he had no remorse for losing. Khalid watched earlier the way he walked in which showed that he wasn’t that much interested in Skitty well not really.

“My name is Khalid and I’m the one who brought the injured Skitty here. How dare you abandon Skitty like that?” Khalid yelled


Something in Khalid blew and now it was explaining time for Daniel. The blonde haired boy named Daniel just huffed and puffed with a bit of an attitude. Khalid was going to let him go without an explanation.

“Okay, Skitty ran away because my other pokemon pick on her.” Daniel admitted.

Khalid wasn’t sure he believed him. Khalid looked at Daniel eyes which was even creepier. Khalid sighed and the saw Nurse Joy return. Skitty was back to full health and the she saw Daniel and quickly ran towards Khalid.

“Hey, buddy. Here’s your trainer.” Khalid tried giving Daniel Skitty back but Skitty didn’t want to go back.

Skitty jumped onto the counter and back into Khalid’s arms. Daniel looked upset that he was rejected by Skitty. Daniel then grabbed Skitty rough and hurt it a little bit. Khalid was shocked to see that. Skitty tried to break free but it couldn’t.

“Okay, let’s have a battle. Two on two and the Winner gets Skitty. Okay?”

Daniel thought about for a moment and looked at his Skitty was trying all she could to break and then he nodded. Khalid smiled deviously at Daniel. The two went outside to battle. Khalid & Daniel looked at each other eye to eye determined to win this. Daniel looked at his poke balls and picked one out of five first.

“I choose you Seviper!” Daniel threw his pokeball and out came Seviper. Khalid looked at the poison type pokemon and sighed.

“Come on out Eevee!” Khalid yelled in happiness.

Both guys had a square for a moment. The hoped that one of them would make the first moved but Khalid decided to make it.

“Eevee use Take down!”

The attack take down made a perfect connection that hurt Seviper hard. Seviper quickly bounced back with a vicious look on its face. Daniel observed Eevee and knew he was well trained and probably quite fast.

“Okay Seviper use Earthquake.”

Khalid was caught off guard and assumed Daniel taught his Seviper how to do that. Eevee was sent hurdling across the battle field or what seemed to be a battle field. Both trainers said at the same time

“Okay, Seviper use Iron Tail”
“Okay, Eevee use Iron Tail.”

Both tails clashed together and smoke covered both pokemon’s. Nobody knowing the outcome of both attacks. The smoke cleared up and it appeared was unable to battle. The suddenly Eevee collapsed onto the floor. She was also unable to battle.

“Okay, come on out Growlithe!” Daniel said as he threw the pokeball.

Khalid was smiled happily as he knew what pokemon Daniel had used next. Khalid threw his pokeball and out came Corphish. Corphish was please once again to be out of the pokeball but more pleased he now has Khalid as a trainer.


“Growlithe, use flame thrower!”

Khalid thought about using a special ability. Khalid thought of one.

“Corphish use Water pulse.” Khalid yelled.

Both used fire and water against each other. Corphish’s water pulse was much more powerful which sent Growlithe thrown back towards his trainer. Daniel looked frustrated and was feeling furious which couldn’t be good when battling.

“Okay, Bubble Beam Corphish!” Khalid said.

Daniel was too angry to think of a move and then Growlithe decided to dodge on its own and attack using flamethrower once more. The bubble beam and the flamethrower collided and it was as if none was going to give in. The flamethrower came threw as the stronger one and it hit Corphish hard. Corphish slowly got up with little strength. Growlithe was not looking so hot either. Both pokemon was worn out but neither was budging and take it lying down.

“Okay, Corphish, one last attack. Use Water Pulse!”

Daniel thought of using Flamethrower again but it might not work but he should try. Khalid smiled.

“Okay, again Flamethrower.”

Again bother Water pulse and Flamethrower collided and it was evenly matched. Corphish’s water pulse was slightly stronger and it hit Growlithe which sent colliding with a tree. Daniel was furious at losing but he always honoured his commitment. Khalid returned Corphish and smiled at the pokeball.

“You did a great job my little buddy” Khalid said with pleasure

Khalid looked at Daniel who returned his Growlithe. Khalid walked towards Daniel and smiled. Skitty ran towards Khalid began rubbing her face on his leg as if she was saying thank you.

“Congratulations. You got Skitty. She never liked me. Thank you for making her happy.”


Skitty smiled at Daniel was then smiled as well. Khalid looked at Skitty and grinned.

“You wanna join my group?”

Skitty began talking his pokemon language. Khalid assumed he wanted to battle Khalid in order to determine his future. IF Khalid won then he got Skitty the if Skitty won then Skitty get to do whatever she desires.
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Last edited by Khalid; 08-28-2007 at 07:45 PM.
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  #2  
Old 08-26-2007, 05:25 PM
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Default Re: Skitty Fall Down

Skitty stood on one side of the lake area and Khalid’s Corphish stood on the other side. Corphish was still tired after the last battle but hopefully he could win this battle and Khalid could capture his second pokemon. Both pokemon looking seriously at each other. Khalid thought about using only normal type attacks since Corphish was still tired. Khalid then looked at Skitty who seemed almost excited to be battling. Khalid had the feeling that Skitty hadn’t battled with Daniel before. It was getting brighter which was great now that the battle has commenced. Khalid squinted his eyes to Skitty.

“Okay, Corphish use tackle.”

Corphish ran fast towards Skitty and made a direct hit using tackle. Skitty fell hard on the floor but quickly got up even more excited. Skitty then ran towards Corphish and unleashed a tail whip and a double slap. Corphish went flying and crashed on the floor. He got up quickly and waited for Khalid attacking orders. Corphish was determined to win this battle. Khalid thought of an attack, which could be a bit risky.

“Corphish, use Crab hammer!” Khalid cried out loud.

Corphish jumped into the air and his crab arm turned white and came towering over Skitty. Skitty looked at this frozen. Skitty super fast dodged Corphish’s attack. Khalid was impressed by Skitty’s speed. The battle was still undetermined, as both pokemon hasn’t pulled the plug. Everything was dead quite as both pokemon was huffing and puffing, Corphish the more tired pokemon. Khalid didn’t know what to do but tried his best to defeat Skitty. He knew he was in a tight spot but he was strong-minded and clever so he could win this.

“Come on Corphish, it’s okay if you can’t battle.” He said to his water pokemon.

The water type disagreed and wanted to continue battling and win over Skitty. He was so determined to come out as the winner over Skitty and get Khalid’s praise for winning him a Skitty. It’s up to Corphish to win this battle. He has his pride even though he is a pokemon.

“That’s what I like to here from you. Alright, let’s try Bubble then?”

Corphish nodded and his crab hand opened and beams of powerful bubbles began shooting towards Skitty. Skitty couldn’t dodge it so he tried to counter it by using a shadow ball. Khalid was shocked at Skitty because he didn’t know he wielded that ability. Everyone watched as both attacks collided together. But then Corphish’s bubble beam made a breakthrough and hit Skitty sending her colliding into the tree like Growlithe did. Skitty was now unable to battle. He smiled at Corphish and hugged him before he returned him back into his respectful pokeball.



Khalid felt sorry for Skitty that it was hurt. But Khalid wanted to capture it and Skitty also wanted him to be his trainer, which was great. Khalid took out a new pokeball and looked at it. Khalid then threw it at Skitty. The pokeball swallowed up Skitty. The pokeball began shaking. Corphish & Khalid looked on to see if Skitty was captured.


READY FOR GRADING
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  #3  
Old 08-28-2007, 07:44 PM
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Default Re: Skitty Fall Down [Ready for Grading]

Grading this. Will edit with grade withen a few hours.

Intro:
At first glance it's okay, but not quite. Though you told us where it was in the title, you should always tell where it is in the story. You also didn't describe Khalid. Also, that first paragroph is mammoth. Shorten it down. @__@

Plot:
It was better then the usual "Trainer x gets their starter from Professor Tree, goes to look for Pokemon x, finds Pokemon x, and catches Pokemon x," though you could have done more with it. Maybe fight off something that was attacking Skitty, or have a skill test with Daniel instead of the usual battle.

Grammer/Spelling:
This was, to be honest, below average. One of your main problems was with commas - there were many that were misssing. Here are some that I found;

Quote:
“Okay Seviper, use Earthquake.”
Quote:
“…And who might you be, boy?”
In the second quote, you also capetilized incorrectly.

Here's a tip - if you're unsure where a comma should go, say the sentence aloud. If you make a brief stop, a comma should go there.

Another glaring problem was that, when a charcted spoke, you ended what they were saying with a period. You should end it with a comma. Example;

Quote:
“I found Skitty injured and alone in the woods,
Quote:
“I found him abandoned and injured in the woods… Please take care of him,
Along with those problems, you made a few more mistakes that I caught. First off, you have some monster paragraphs. Try cutting them down into two to four-line paragraphs at the most.

Next, you subsituted and for & several times. That makes it difficult to read in my opinion, and cuts down two letters for each and you shorten. And is a very common word, and those extra two chracters can start to add up.

These aren't the only mistakes I found, so make sure you reread and catch everything you can find.

Detail:
There was, to be honest, none. This was a "summery story" - I couldn't tell what was going on, and everything went too fast. Describe how Eevee and Corphish look. What does Bubblebeam or Flamethrower look like? What does the surroundings look like? Smell like? Sound like? Maybe even taste like? Describe as much as you can. If you need, use a thesaurus.

http://thesaurus.reference.com/

Battle:
I was hoping it would be longer. Skitty barely attacked. Also, there was utterly no description, save for Corphish's Crabhammer. Also, if Skitty is a girl, perhaps you could have Cute Charm take affect? Just a thought.

Leangth:
More then enough.

Reality:
I could see Seviper beating the heck out of Corphish and Eevee, but Skitty should've tried to attack back some more. Skitty has a varried moveset, and could do a lot against Corphish.

Outcome:Skitty not captured. If you can add detail, fix up grammer, and lengthen the battle with Skitty, it should be enough to pass. PM me for a regrade.
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Last edited by Pikablu Pie; 08-29-2007 at 12:03 AM.
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