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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 08-26-2007, 08:26 PM
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Default The Electric Marsh

I tried the enter key but it didnt work. Please dont let the paragraphing ruin my grade.
Pokemon:Elekid
Category:Simple
Pages:3
Words:1,218
Characters(No spaces): 5,276
Characters(with spaces): 6,795
Paragraphs:18
Lines:98



On a bright summer Tuesday, a young girl named Rachel waits in line for the Great Marsh. Today was half off because they just added some new Pokemon to the bunch. She would have to work hard with all the competition. She had brought some of her money so she will have extra to get a snack afterwards. Her mom was at Hearthome city for the day so she couldn’t go inside her house at all until dinner. She had packed a lunch and two apples if she got hungry. It was now sitting in her secret base down at Lake Valor, where she always loved to hang out.
She was wearing her favorite silver and blue outfit, as those were her colors. She had just put on a new coat of silver nail polish the night before. It was a hot, sunny day and it was going to just get hotter so she had put a water bottle in the bag around her waist. Rachel’s golden brown hair was put up in a long, smooth ponytail.
Her Eevee sat upon her shoulder, looking at the small line, impatiently waiting for it to move. Rachel looked to the side and saw that the group ahead just got there balls, which meant she was next. She stepped ahead when the group disappeared through the door. Eevee smiled happily, thankful to be at the front. Rachel looked at the boy behind the counter.
“Welcome to the Great Marsh, would you like to play? 1 game is 50 poke today, thanks to half off prices!” He seemed overjoyed, like he’d just gotten his job. She looked at his name tag that said, “Chip Martin: New Member”
“Yes, could I get 30 balls please?” said Rachel. She handed Chip 50 poke and he gave her 30 balls, a bag of bait, and a paper in return.
“The paper has a map and a list of the Pokemon here at the Great Marsh, but they’re only available todays so take another in case,” said the worker. Rachel nods and chip opens the door with a button on his desk. Rachel walks quickly through the door into the humid, swampy, Marsh. Eevee still sat on her shoulder waiting to get started.
“Eevee Ee” Eevee said impatiently. Eevee jumped onto a bench near the entrance. It looked at Rachel in a cute way, which made Rachel giggle a bit.
“Don’t worry Eevee, we’ll get started soon,” said Rachel as she sat down next to Eevee. Her shoes were already muddy at the bottom. She unfolded her map and looked for the entrance, which is where she was. She spotted it in area six. Rachel glanced to the side and saw a list of Pokemon for each area. The first one was area six, as they must go down in count. Area six’s Pokemon include Elekid, Smoochum, Magby, Pichu, Cleffa, Bonsly, and Mime Jr.


“Come on Eevee, Let’s go catch some Pokemon!” Rachel said proudly as she put the map away. Eevee jumped up happy to get started. It jumps onto Rachel’s shoulder and purrs. Rachel smiles and pets Eevee a few times, then puts her map away. She stands up and stretched, suddenly a Starly dives and takes the map from Rachel’s outstretched hand. It knocks Rachel down onto the bench.
“Hey! What was that for!” yells Rachel at the starly disappearing into the sky. She glares at the air and then takes out her second map. She walks into the marsh and immediately hears a loud, angry roar. A hyper beam is shot into the sky, Rachel yelps and catches Eevee who had fallen from surprise. Eevee runs towards the sound, Rachel following the swift little Pokemon. Eevee ran throws a bunch of tall grass and bushes, disappearing from site.
Rachel ran towards the bush, but slipped a few feet away on the muddy ground. She tumbled in through the bush and landed a few feet in front of Eevee. She pushed the hair out of her face and looked up. In front of her stood one of the largest Pokemon she had ever seen in her young life. It looked at her and roared into the sky.
“TYRANITAR!!!” said the Pokemon. She checked her pokedex for Tyranitar.
“Tyranitar is so overwhelmingly powerful; it can bring down a whole mountain to make its nest. This Pokemon wanders about in mountains seeking new opponents to fight.”
Rachel gets up slowly and tries to back away, receiving a fierce glare from Tyranitar. The Pokemon roared again and launched a flamethrower at Rachel, who dove to the ground to dodge. She picked up a handful of mud and tossed it at the angry creature. The wet dirt hit it straight in the face, which answered in another roar, and a swipe at Rachel with its tail. Eevee jumped in front of Rachel and bit the tail to stop it in its tracks. Eevee held on tight as the dinosaur stamped around and threw Eevee around on its tail. Rachel’s Pokemon was taking serious damage, and in a few seconds had been thrown into the air.
“Eevee!” cried Rachel, as the little Pokemon fell through the air, soon to land on Tyranitar’s charging hyper beam. Eevee surely would be in big trouble. Rachel took a handful of mud and ran up Tyranitar’s now calm tail. It tried to ignore and continue to charge. Rachel ran faster and reached its head, and tossed the mud at the hyper beam, mysteriously canceling it out. Tyranitar roared at the bad tasting substance in its mouth. Rachel was thrown of but was able to catch Eevee a few seconds before she hits the ground. She got up and rubbed her now sore behind.
Eevee jumped out of her arms and started flinging mud at tyranitar. It stomped around, angrily trying to get the mud off. Suddenly a yellow blur zoomed out of some trees and hit the tyranitar, Which made it roar so loudly the ground shook. It looked weak and tired, so Rachel threw a pokeball. The tyranitar hit it weakly with his arm, and ran off into the wall of trees that border the marsh. Rachel looked at where the blur had been. It turns out it was a yellow Pokemon, with yellow and black for colors. She checked her pokedex on the unknown Pokemon.
“Elekid stores electricity in its body by constantly rotating its arms, causing the space between its horns to flicker with a bluish-white electrical charge.”
The Elekid looked at Rachel and looked at her like it wanted Rachel to try and catch, just like any Pokemon in the great marsh. Rachel threw some bait, followed by a mud and then one more bait, which is a tactic her dad had taught to her. The Elekid was busy on the last piece of bait so Rachel decided it was time. She took out the camouflage colored ball, and gave it a swift toss at Elekid. Elekid was engulfed in a red light, and was sucked into the Safari Ball. The ball fell to the swampy ground with a soft plop. It wiggled once, twice, and a third time. Did Rachel catch it, and did Eevee and her goldeen get a new friend? Rachel waited to find out.
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  #2  
Old 08-26-2007, 08:28 PM
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Default Re: The Electric Marsh

I'll grade this. I'm kinda stumped as to why your Enter Key won't work. You seemed to have used it, so I don't see why you couldn't just press it twice.

Here's the grade.

Introduction: You did tell me about the characters, but I felt it was just "She had this, and he had that". It felt almost choppy.

Plot: Basic, really. Goes out, finds a Pokemon, and tries to capture it. Nothing exciting, at all.

Grammar:
I saw changes of tense, missing commas, and lack of paragraphs. Sorry about including that, but you had a space of two lines somehwere in the story, so I fail to see why you couldn't either copy and paste the gap, or do it again.

Detail: Nothing special in here. Okay for an Elekid, but there could be so much more. Detail makes a story beautiful.

Length: Fine here. Nothing wrong with the length at all. ^^

Battle: This was non-existent. And that's bad. You could change it so that you have to battle the Pokemon in the Great Marsh.

Overall: Sorry, but Elekid not captured.

Work on what I said, and you could make it. But there has to be a battle in there somewhere.
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Last edited by Mitsuzo-kun; 08-26-2007 at 08:59 PM.
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  #3  
Old 08-26-2007, 09:32 PM
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Default Re: The Electric Marsh

Quote:
Originally Posted by djax94 View Post
I'll grade this. I'm kinda stumped as to why your Enter Key won't work. You seemed to have used it, so I don't see why you couldn't just press it twice.

Here's the grade.

Introduction: You did tell me about the characters, but I felt it was just "She had this, and he had that". It felt almost choppy.

Plot: Basic, really. Goes out, finds a Pokemon, and tries to capture it. Nothing exciting, at all.

Grammar:
I saw changes of tense, missing commas, and lack of paragraphs. Sorry about including that, but you had a space of two lines somehwere in the story, so I fail to see why you couldn't either copy and paste the gap, or do it again.

Detail: Nothing special in here. Okay for an Elekid, but there could be so much more. Detail makes a story beautiful.

Length: Fine here. Nothing wrong with the length at all. ^^

Battle: This was non-existent. And that's bad. You could change it so that you have to battle the Pokemon in the Great Marsh.

Overall: Sorry, but Elekid not captured.

Work on what I said, and you could make it. But there has to be a battle in there somewhere.
first of all, i told u not to say anything about paragraphs! and second, u cant blame me for not battleing. its the great marsh for petes sake!
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  #4  
Old 08-26-2007, 09:38 PM
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Default Re: The Electric Marsh

Quote:
Originally Posted by RET412 View Post
first of all, i told u not to say anything about paragraphs! and second, u cant blame me for not battleing. its the great marsh for petes sake!
I can't help saying something about the paragraphs because you could have quite easily done something about it. And you still need a battle against the Pokemon you want to capture, no matter where the story is set. The only way you can get a Pokemon with no battle is of the rest of the story is almost perfect.

EDIT: Also, You aren't supposed to argue with a grader's judgement. At least, I don't think you are.
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Last edited by Mitsuzo-kun; 08-26-2007 at 09:42 PM.
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  #5  
Old 08-26-2007, 09:45 PM
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Default Re: The Electric Marsh

if i made a battle would i catch it?
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  #6  
Old 08-26-2007, 09:47 PM
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Default Re: The Electric Marsh

Quote:
Originally Posted by RET412 View Post
if i made a battle would i catch it?
Probably not, due to grammar and detail. The plot's a bit... =/

But it's okay for an Elekid. But the detail and grammar.
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  #7  
Old 08-26-2007, 11:15 PM
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Default Re: The Electric Marsh

I deleted the other thread since it was the exact same story. Pikablu and djax will both get paid for grading this this, too.

RET412, just edit the story if you have to correct it. Don't make multiple threads of the same story.
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  #8  
Old 08-27-2007, 02:17 PM
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Default Re: The Electric Marsh

Quote:
Originally Posted by Megumi View Post
I deleted the other thread since it was the exact same story. Pikablu and djax will both get paid for grading this this, too.

RET412, just edit the story if you have to correct it. Don't make multiple threads of the same story.
i didnt mean to. i noticed it was there and wondered why.
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