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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 09-05-2007, 06:50 PM
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Default A 'Jolt' Of Trouble

In this story I am going to try and capture 2 Pokemon, One each Chapter.

Chapter 1 - For Mareep - Status: Not yet graded. (Characters 8480)

Chapter 2 - For Ralts - Status: Not finished.
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Last edited by HorrorScope; 09-15-2007 at 10:53 AM.
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  #2  
Old 09-05-2007, 06:52 PM
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Default Re: A 'Jolt' Of Trouble

{{Chapter 1}}

"Robin! Get down here this instant!, Your going to be late and Grandma wont be happy will she?" That was all Robin could hear.. His mum shouting at him from downstairs telling him to hurry up. He had put his clothes on and today he was wearing some baggy navy jeans, a blue t-shirt and some white trainers. He then went to the bathroom and fixed his messy brown hair up. He then walked out and came downstairs.

"Ok.. Ok.. Im here, I will skip breakfast or else I know I will be late for Grandma.."

His mum smiled and waved Robin goodbye as he opened the door and walked away with Totodile by his side. Robin eventually became a blur as he got further a soon dissapeared into the distance.

The scorching Saturday morning continued on throughout the day, it was getting pretty uncomfortable as far as Robin was concerned.

“For goodness sake… It’s too hot today, don’t you think Totodile?” Robin asked his little alligator like Pokemon.

The Totodile looked up and gave an exhausted look, which obviously meant that he was boiling too. Totodile then stopped and smiled, It opened up its mouth and sprayed Robin with some cool water to make a misty fountain of refreshing cool water.

"Great thinking buddy!, That's a lot better!" Robin said smiling.

Robin wiped his forehead with his sleeve and continued on, The sunlight was very bright so Robin decided to shield his eyes and look down whilst walking, His Grandma's house was just past Goldenrod City but they still had to walk threw a few towns before they got there. After walking for a little while he wondered through and into a small town, there seemed to be a lot of other trainers there all walking round with their Pokemon, Just like Robin was. Most of them looked pretty tough and well experienced so he didn't want to get in their way or anything.

Time seemed to pass as they came to the end of the first village and into the next, this one was more busier than the other and seemed much bigger. Robin looked into the distance and saw lots of tress and wildlife ahead. "I hope we can get through that way, Im not walking all the way back.." Robin remarked quietly to himself.

To his surprise he accidentally bumped into an old wooden sign, with some description engraved into it. The sign said, “The forest from the deep, Please respect the nature. Leading through to Goldenrod City.”

“Goldenrod City Eh?, Hopefully it has a Pokemon centre. We could do with one of them...” Robin then stepped over a large crumbled log which lay across the entrance of the forest. It was covered in green dirty moss and looked very worn away. After a couple of steps the ground started to get more clear and easier to walk on, He preferred that then the squishy, muddy like surface he was walking on when he had first got it the forest. Robin looked up at the tall trees and the wildlife around him, they all towered over the forest blocking out any sunlight. He spotted a group of Ledyba hover around the tree tops, every so often he kept hearing a slight ‘buzz’ from far behind him, but he thought it was just the Ledyba.

-----------------------------

Totodile seemed to be enjoying himself as he hopped over the stumps and swung off the old tree branches next to Robin. The forest was full of wildlife and lots of grass Pokemon, on both sides of the long worn out path were overgrown plants and long grass. There was also a lot of stumps and old branches scattered across the place. Once again Robin heard the faint ‘buzz’ sound, It was starting to annoy him a lot and this time Robin decided to stop and turn around. He looked into the distance behind him but could see nothing. He turned round and continued walking on, this time it must have been real as a faint blur shot past Robin's face and sent an electrical charge to his hand and through his body. It felt like something had just cracked right into his hand and almost killed him. Robin fell to the floor holding his hand in pain. “I knew something was coming! Ouch!”, He shouted as the electrical pain buzzed in his hand. He kept getting shocks and the pain was staying there, once again he felt like something had sunk it's teeth into him.

Robin gradually stood up wobbling slightly from the shock, Totodile rushed over and hopped onto his shoulders, Robin’s face started to fill with anger and pain as he broke into a fast sprint after the blur that had ran towards the end of the forest. “I’m.. Gonna.. Get.. That... Thing..” He said whilst kicking off the ground as he ran.

-----------------------------

After a while of running, Robin finally reached the end of the forest and a pathway opened up in front of him leading to Goldenrod. The sun shone brightly once again as he shielded his eyes. He jerked his head left and right lin an angry manor looking for the thing that had attacked him. “C’mon where is it?”.

Robin then noticed a Pokemon centre at the end of a different pathway, the top of it shone in the sun and the doors were wide open due to the heat. He ran down the path at nearly half his speed from his exhaustion and entered the Pokemon centre.

Strangely he spotted a Mareep inside and some other people, Nurse Joy and her Chansey were obviously dealing with a strange dilemma with the Mareep, it seemed to have a Ralts on its back which looked in pain, It was making sounds and crying for help the colour from its skin had gone and it looked completely worn out. “I wonder what all that is about”, Robin remarked in a curious tone. Nurse Joy then took the Ralts from Mareep’s back and carried it behind some revolving doors. It was then taken to an emergency room as they had to make sure it would survive, Robin wished he could have done something to help but he didn’t want to interfere.

The Mareep then looked at Robin, it gave a startled look and seemed to run away out the doors and electrocuting Robin in the process, Robin stumbled but grew angry once again. The same electrical surge passed through his body as he clenched his chest. “That’s what hurt me! I am going after that Mareep!” Robin shouted as he burst into a huge sprint and ran after the electrical sheepish Pokemon. It managed to run him all the way down the long path and into Goldenrod city. There were a lot of tall towers and buildings and a lot of people rushing around. Without trying to bash into them Robin carefully dodged his way round them and followed Mareep.

They soon entered a small field surrounded by wooden fences. Mareep looked around and jolted left starting to look worn out. He eventually trapped Mareep into a corner between the fences. The little sheep-like Pokemon glared at Robin he was obviously in trouble, Mareep then stomped on the ground and ran into Robin head-butting him in the process, making him trip over face first into the muddy grass, Robin got back up and wiped the mud from his face. “What is your problem with me?, Well guess what I have had enough!, Go Mankey!”

The Pokeball containing Mankey opened up as the primate came out rampaging around ready for a fight. Mareep looked into Robin's eyes and then into Mankey's. Mareep then immediately charged at Mankey and Mareep's head started glowing white it paused and then charged for Mankey and used a Headbutt attack. Mankey skidded backwards and shook off the damage. Robin watched Mareep carefully not taking his eye of it. “Mankey use Low Kick!" Robin shouted across the field as Mankey nodded and stretched out it’s right leg. Mankey went from side to side trying to confuse Mareep and then came close to Mareep, Mankey opened it's eyes widely and delivered a huge blow into Mareep's side knocking it flat over.

Mareep struggled to get back up but did and unleashed a huge thunderbolt directed at Mankey, A big yellow wave of electricity came thundering down on Mankey. Robin had to think quickly or Mankey wouldn't be in a good position. “Jump up and use Seismic Toss!” Mankey jumped up high into the air, It then soared down to Mareep grabbing it by the fur and jumping up once again, The two came crashing down and the only movement was Mankey’s as it jumped out in front of Robin and looked at Mareep. “Great job Mankey, Now lets finish this!”. Robin threw a Pokeball at the Mareep which still remained not moving and lay on top of the fresh grass, The win whistled in the air and a flash of white light occurred, the Pokeball soon enclosed Mareep. Robin clenched his fists waiting as the Pokeball rolled side to side..
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Last edited by HorrorScope; 09-15-2007 at 10:52 AM.
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  #3  
Old 09-05-2007, 06:54 PM
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Default Re: A 'Jolt' Of Trouble

This is now ready for grading.

Chapter 1

Mareep

Simple: 5-10k

Characters: 8480
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Last edited by HorrorScope; 09-15-2007 at 10:52 AM.
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  #4  
Old 09-14-2007, 06:44 PM
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Default Re: A 'Jolt' Of Trouble

Like I said, here's a grade.

Introduction: This wasn't all the great, I saw something that could've been improved alot. First of a good description should've been placed or else I might think your charecter looks like Robin Hood when it could be completly different. Descriptions of the charecter are very important. Maybe even a background about your charecter, like where is he from and what are his plans for the future, if he has any. What were they doing way out there? Having fun or are they on an adventure? I have no need to ask about when since its obviously Summer. But make sure to work on all of these things for a better grade in future stories.

Plot: This was rather...non-original but I guess it would do for a Mareep although a tad bit more would've been interesting rather then. Robin is walking through a road and its really hot, why didn't Totodile give Robin water to cool him down? Anyway Robin stumbles into a sign about a forest and goes inside. Its a long forest and when they begin nto get out a yellow blur passes Robin and electrucutes him. Later Robin finds Mareep at the Pokemon center and finds and goes to catch him. They have a battle and Mareep is attempted at capture. Even for a Simple Pokemon like Mareep I would've enjoyed if this would've been a little more complex then this.

Some suggestions are to describe the forest, were they green brownish how big was the road inbetween? Maybe Robin could've stumbled through the city a little bit for the Mareep rather then finding it right away.

Spelling/Grammar: I really didn't see anything here except a few English to American spellings such as "colour" to "color" and things like that, but what I did see was something else. In a few places you had this same mistake.

Quote:
“That’s what hurt me! I am going After that Mareep!”. Robin burst
Never ever should there be a period right outside the quotations, there should always be something like "Robin said"

Details: The details as I saw was lacking. You didn't show what most of the things looked like or any other thing like that. Describe how the shock felt. How the forest looked. What the day looked like, were there clouds anywhere so it would appeal more to the grader, don’t forget this in the future ;)

Length: Just skimmed this…

Battle: Again this was under and it needed a lot of improvement, what did the attacks look like, how did it happen so fast? So many questions came and went so quickly, it really didn’t make to much sense. Make sure to work on this…

Outcome: Well Mareep Not Captured this time just work on the things listed and you’ll be fine. ;)
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Last edited by Legendary Wolf; 09-14-2007 at 08:03 PM.
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  #5  
Old 09-15-2007, 10:53 AM
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Default Re: A 'Jolt' Of Trouble

Ok, im ready for a regrade, I edited it a lot more and put in some descriptions and other thins.
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  #6  
Old 09-15-2007, 11:27 AM
Legendary Wolf Offline
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Default Re: A 'Jolt' Of Trouble

This was deffinetly alot better so Mareep Captured have fun.
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  #7  
Old 09-15-2007, 11:39 AM
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Default Re: A 'Jolt' Of Trouble

Thanks for the re-grade, the next chapter will be done when I can get to it.
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Last edited by HorrorScope; 04-15-2008 at 10:07 PM.
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