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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 09-23-2007, 05:19 PM
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Default Smooched on the Cheek

Matty silently walks on the path leading to the next city. He is in deep thought about his Pokemon. He now has captured an Elekid, his favorite Pokemon, and a Magby, his dad's favorite Pokemon. He is wondering if he will be able to catch his mom's favorite Pokemon, Mime Jr. "Then I'd have a Pokemon for the whole fami-" Matty stopped his thought. His eyes filled with tears. He had forgotten his older sister's favorite, Smoochem. Matty sat on the ground and cried. The faint memories of his sister crept into his head. He remembered how nice she was and her beautiful blonde hair. Suddenly, the day became clear. He remembered the busy crowd. People running, laughing. He remembered standing next to his sister then she was gone. He remembered he had went stray to look at a game, and his parents followed, but not his sister. She had kept going, hypnotised by the bright carnival lights. When Matty turned around to ask her about it,she was gone. Matty's parents looked for weeks, but never found her. Matty whispered, "Marisa," as the cries poured out. His small face was bright red. Why did he have to have been distracted? Matty drifted into a slumber on the ground.

Matty awoke from a man shouting. He hadn't yet focused the words, but he could hear they were words of glee. The man repeated, "Come one! Come all! The carnival is here! What fun it shall be!" Matty's faced turned paler then a swan. He hadn't been to a carnival since his sister's disappearance. Matty turned around and ran away, but tripped on a rock. His Pokeballs slipped from his hand and Elekid was let out. Elekid looked seeing Matty on the ground; he also saw the lights of the carnival.

"Elekid! Ele! Ele!" Elekid shouted eagerly wanting to go to the carnival.

"No! Elekid, we aren't going!" but Matty felt guilty. Everyone deserves to go to the carnival at one point.

"Ele! Ele! Ele?" Elekid begged.

Matty rolled his eyes and decided it wasn't fair. He let Elekid go to the carnival. He released Magby so he could enjoy too. The trio walked into town.

The canival fever seemed to have caught the entire town. They walked up to a game with three Pikachu statues stacked up and a Voltorb plush. There was an Elekid doll as a prize so the Electric Pokemon wanted Matty to win. Matty was sure he wouldn't be able to win, him being so uncoordinated, but he would try. The lady running the game seemed about two years older than him with blonde hair and a gentle smile. "Excuse me. I'd like to try this game," Matty said shyly, he couldn't decide what it was, but she seemed fimiliar.

"Oh sure one dollar," she said. Matty handed her the dollar. "All you got to do is knock them down with one throw."

Matty bit his lip, seemed simple enough. He picked up the plush and tossed it just high of the statues. "Darn," Matty said disappointed. "Can I play again?" Handing the girl a dollar. She took it and gave him the plush. He tossed it again knocking the top one clear off, but the others didn't budge. "So close! One more go please," handing her the dollar.

She looked at him and said, "How 'bout this if you knock em down you can have your dollar back, but you gotta tell me your name?"

Matty seemed confused, but nodded in agreement. He threw the plush knocking all of the Pikachu's clear off the stand. "All right! I'd like the Elekid doll please," Matty said triumphantly.

"So as the deal said if you tell me your name you get your dollar back too," The lady said handing the Elekid doll to Matty's joyful Elekid.

"Easy! The name's Matty Harold. Nice to meet you," he said sticking out his hand.
the girl suddenly burst into tears and jumped over the counter and hugged the frail boy. Matty was confused, "Umm... What are you doing?"

"Don't you recognize me? I'm Marisa Harold! Your sister!" the lady shouted with tears.

Matty's face lit up like a bulb. He was in shock. He couldn't speak. They just cried, brother and sister.

After several minutes, the waterworks ended and Matty was full of questions. To his dismay she wouldn't answer. "But why not?" he protested like a three-year-old.

"Not until you tell me about Mom and Dad," Marisa told him. Ans so Matty told her all about them. He also showed her Magby and Elekid, who was still playing with the doll.

Matty asked her about what had happened all those years ago. Marisa explained, "After you walked away I walked to the end of the carnival. I asked the owner if he had seen you, but he hadn't. He took care of me and raised me. Looking for you guys constantly. I was a quick learner to all the carnival customs, and we travled all over."

Matty grabbed her arm and said, "We need to get home! Come on we can get there in less than three days."

"Matty, no. I'm not leaving," Marisa said sternly.

He was caught off gaurd, "What? Are you kidding? You can't stay here!"

"This is my home I'm not leaving," she wouldn't budge.

Matty burst into tears, "But you have to! Mom and Dad need to see you!"

"I wouldn't be able to," she walked away crying. Matty chased after her.

"Marisa! They love you! You have to!" Matty called.

"You just don't get it. This is my home now. I live with them. They raised me. I can't leave them," Marisa kept running.

Matty suddenly understood. These people were he family. He could seperate her from them. Matty sat down and cried. It wasn't a very sad cry, but more of an enlightenment cry. Marisa hugged Matty and looked him in the eyes and said, "Don't worry little bro. I have something that'll cheer you up." Marisa removed a blindfold from her pocket and tied it around Matty's eyes. "Promise me you won't peak?" she asked MAtty. He could only nod.

Marisa led Matty all over left and right, right and left. The path never seemed to end. Finally after what seemed like hours Matty was told to remove the blindfold. Matty's eyes took several seconds to refocus and then he saw an amazing sight. There were Smoochem playing and frolicking by a waterfall. There must've been hundreds of them. Matty's jaw dropped in amazement. "If you catch one you can remember me forever okay?" Marisa said gently. Matty only nodded. Marisa pointed out a very plump Smoochem with fat lips, but despite these imperfects, it had wonderful blonde hair. Matty stared his eyes focusing, he entered a battle pose. He grabbed his Pokeballs and reached for Magby. "I'll have the advantage with Magby," Matty thought to himself. He threw the Pokeball in the air and Magby was released.

Magby's eyes burned with the heat of battle. He was warmed up even in the chilled environment.

"Are you ready, Magby!?" Matty shouted.

The Pokemon pumped its arms and made a loud, "BEEEE!" that seemed to shake the entire planet.

"See that one there? Use Ember!" Matty ordered.

Magby sent a barrage of fire at the Smoochem. Ember seemed to hit the Pokemon right on the behind as it grabbed its butt in pain. Smoochem's eyes turned to Magby and it let loose a Sweet Kiss.

"Magby, dodge," Matty shouted.

Magby swiftly jumped to the side dodging the attack.

"Start with Smokescreen; then follow with Fire Punch!" shouted Matty.

Magby nodded as it breathed out a cloud of purple smoke. Magby then rushed in for Fire Punch, but while charging he tripped on a stone. Smoochem heard Magby and quickly rushed to take advantage. Smoochem used Sweet Kiss on the fallen Magby. Magby was confused. He stood up and started using Fire Punch on himself. Matty returned the confused Pokemon tho its Pokeball.

"Go Elekid!" Matty yelled tossing the the yellow Pokemon's ball into the air.

The Electric beast stared confidently at the Smoochem.

"Start with Thunder Punch!" Matty told Elekid.

"So he's going to simply use brute force now?" Marisa thought.

Elekid rushed towards Smoochem and attempted Thunder Punch, but the wild Pokemon was able to dodge.

Matty smiled as he shouted his next command, "Now use Low Kick!"

Elekid quickly kicked the jumped Smoochem sending it flying.

Marisa was impressed by her little brother's cunning.

The Smoochem had little energy after two powerful attacks.

Matty reached for a Pokeball to find he didn't have one!

Marisa quickly tossed a Pokeball to him.

"You always look out for me huh?" Matty asked as he threw the Pokeball at the weakened Pokemon.

A red light emreged over the Smoochem. Then only the Pokeball was there. It shook once. Twice. Thrice...


Pokemon:Magby
Characters w/o spaces: 6,811
Characters w/ spaces: 8,361
Difficulty: Simple
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Last edited by GreenRampage; 09-26-2007 at 02:00 AM.
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  #2  
Old 09-27-2007, 10:49 PM
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Default Re: Smooched on the Cheek

GreenRampage, huh? Sounds dangerous. :o

Story/Plot: This was really sad. :[ I liked it in the sense that it was pretty creative, but sad stories make me....well....sad. :P I wish Matty could somehow convince his sister to come home, it's all depressing that she has to stay at the carnival. You need to make sure to have some sort of introduction when you write a story, though. Include the setting: time, place, what everything looks like. It brings your reader in so they can better grasp the story.

Also, try to write more story between the dialogue so it looks less like a skit. Slow down, and explain the scene. Describe your characters, and describe where you are going. It's hard to "see" anything when the story is mostly just people conversing.

Grammar/Spelling: Biggest thing I'd say is watch for tenses. You started off with present then switched to past. Be consistent with one through the story's entirety. Make sure you spell check a few times as well, since Word will most likely catch any typo not Pokemon related. And "Smoochem" should be "Smoochum". Other than that, this was pretty good. I want you to focus more on plot and pace for your next story, so I'm not going to go much into grammar.

Detail/Description: Yeah, you need to work on this. You've got a lot of potential, you just need to slow down and explain what you see. Quote after quote of talking loses impact after a while, and you really need to just tell the story. Take some time to pause for a moment and actually describe the characters and where they are at. It adds visual, and it makes the story more interesting. Also, when creating attacks, don't just say:

Quote:
Smoochem used Sweet Kiss on the fallen Magby. Magby was confused.
What did it look like? Actually describe the Pokemon puckering up to plant one on the little Magby. ;P

Length: you've got enough here, but try not to focus on making your story longer, focus on making it better. Length will come, so don't force anything.

Battle: Right. Needs detail. It was plenty two-sided but it was a bit short, and I couldn't really see anything as you mainly just shouted attacks. You really need to slow down and take your time. Good stories usually come from the others who sit down and take the time to fix and edit, as opposed to those who throw something together in a day and post it up.

Biggest problem is descriptions with this one. Focus the most on that next time.

Outcome: A little close for my liking, but it's qualified, so I don't see a reason not to let you have the little guy/girl/it. Smoochum captured! Keep my advice in mind, and I'm sure your next story will be great. ^^

P.S. I assume that the comment at the end about going for Magby was a typo, as you already have one and you battled Smoochum. :P So....yeah... Have fun with your new pal. :]
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  #3  
Old 09-28-2007, 02:15 AM
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Default Re: Smooched on the Cheek

Quote:
GreenRampage, huh? Sounds dangerous. :o
:P I'm not that scary... I hope :O


Quote:
Outcome: A little close for my liking, but it's qualified, so I don't see a reason not to let you have the little guy/girl/it. Smoochum captured! Keep my advice in mind, and I'm sure your next story will be great. ^^
Thanks a lot! I'll definately work on my detail!

Quote:
P.S. I assume that the comment at the end about going for Magby was a typo, as you already have one and you battled Smoochum. :P So....yeah... Have fun with your new pal. :]
Sorry i did mean Smoochem... I always mess up at the end...
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