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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 09-23-2007, 09:39 PM
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Default Crouching Trainer, Hidden Buneary

Part One: The Sewer.

Joseph sighed as he read his watch. It blinked 10:26, over and over again. He sighed again. What was he going to do all day?

Of course, his mother planned to have their carpets cleaned on the weekend that all his friends were going away for vacation. She didn’t want him to be in the house while they cleaned, as she was paranoid for that kind of thing. She thought he was going to get sick off of all the chemicals that he had used. He knew better than to argue with his mom about that though, as last time it had earned him a trip to his grandparent’s house.

He was sitting outside of a coffee shop, waiting for his croissant. Below him slept Suki, a small purple and brown skunk. Her purple tail bobbed up and down as she slept. “Uhh, sir?” a waited asked, and Joseph sprung up. The man stood there with the croissant on a tray. “It’ll be $3.99,” he said, and Joseph fished in his pocket for the money. Pulling out a wad of cash, he handed the man a five dollar bill. The man reached into a pocket of his apron, and pulled out a one-dollar bill, and a penny. He handed them to Joseph, then handed him the croissant. “Have a nice day,” the man said, and left to go serve the other customers.

Joseph looked down at Suki, and then spoke to her. “Come on Suki, it’s time to go waste the rest of the day,” he said. Suki leapt up, and followed Joseph faithfully down the sidewalk. The walked for awhile, with Joseph occasionally pulling off a bit of the croissant. He stopped by a store window and looked inside. In it, he saw several TV’s, each displaying the news, save for one. That one showed what was going on outside. He saw a boy wearing a dark green shirt, and jeans that came down to his black sneakers. Joseph looked up at the TV, and saw his blue eyes sparkling back at him. He combed his dark brown hair with his fingers, and walked on.

“Suki, what should we do today?” he asked the Stunky, who simply looked at him and blinked her eyes. She could probably care less about what they did, as long as she was with him. He simply smiled at her, and they walked on. As they walked pass a dark alley, Joseph heard a trash can lid falling to the ground. He looked into the alleyway. Although it was daylight, the alley was still dark, as it was wedged tightly between two buildings.

“Hello?” he called, peering down the alleyway. After waiting for a response, he shrugged it off as some Rattata or something.

He began to walk away, and he was very surprised when he heard a shout of, “Buuun-Eary!” and he suddenly felt a pain in his back. He fell to the hard concrete sidewalk, with his hands outstretched. Catching himself, he turned around to see a brown bunny-like Pokemon holding his croissant. “Bun?” it asked him, holding out the croissant. Assuming that it wanted to give the croissant back, he held out his hand, only to receive a slap on the hand.

“Oww!” he exclaimed, and he watched as the Buneary bounced back, its fluffy tan ears bouncing along with it. He watched as Suki ran up to the Buneary, only to see the Buneary bouncing off down the street. Grumbling, Joseph got up, and brushed the dirt off his clothes. Suki’s hair was standing straight up, and she was obviously angry. Reaching down, he picked her up, and stroked her. “It’s okay Suki, the poor thing was hungry. Besides, we can always get another overpriced croissant again, right?” he soothed.

Hearthome City was known for this kind of thing. They had homeless people and homeless Pokemon as well. There were multiple shelters in the area, but they still couldn’t save all of the Pokemon in the area. Some ended up being used by thieves, while some ended up being killed.

Joseph set Suki back down, and the two set off in the direction that Buneary had gone. On numerous telephone poles, fliers were advertising all kinds of sales and events. One in particular caught his eye, one about a new museum of some sort in town. Admission was half-off, as it was the opening day. Why they did this, Joseph did not know, but he looked down at Suki.

“A museum, sound interesting to you?” he asked Suki. She shook her small head, and then trotted around impatiently. She was obviously still angered by the Buneary, and wanted to go after it. He shook his head, but the museum was in the direction she wanted to go, so he figured that he could let her try and find the bunny. “Alright, let’s go,” Joseph commanded, and she set off at a slight run down the street.

Jogging after her, he followed the skunk to Amity Square. She stopped and sat down. She gave him a look that said, ‘Here.’ Sighing, he walked up to the lady at a desk, oddly positioned outside. “Hello!” she said in an oddly perky voice. “Welcome to Amity Square, where you can take your Pokemon for a walk around our park,” she quoted, and she began a speech that was definitely required to be memorized.

Midway through the speech, she stopped as Joseph had taken off after Suki, who had seen a Buneary in the park. With a scowl on her face, the lady yelled something about, “That’s not a cute Pokemon!” and watched them run.

“Suki! Stop! That’s not the Buneary from earlier!” Joseph called in vain, but Suki just kept running. The Buneary had obviously seen Suki coming, and began to run towards Suki. Suki stopped in surprise as the Buneary gave her a big hug. Growling, Suki slashed at the Buneary with her claws, only to find that it wasn’t really a Buneary.

In front of her stood a Ditto, smiling a big wide smile. Suki turned to Joseph, trying to beg for forgiveness. Joseph shook his head, and watched as an old lady came up to reprimand him. “You! Why are you setting your Pokemon on my little Ditto! What’d he ever do wrong to you?” she ranted, and she kept going on and on. Not a word of it reached Joseph’s ears; as he was too busy staring at the woman.

Her sweater was pink, although it was covered in all sorts of cat-like Pokemon. They were all smiling this creepy kitty smile, while staring blankly into space. Joseph couldn’t help shuddering. She finally finished her little speech, and walked off while crooning about how the evil skunk had attacked her “Ditto-Witto”.

He gave Suki a displeased look, and picked her up. “Geez, why’d you do that?” he reprimanded, and was rewarded with a puff of gas. Shaking his head, he set her back down on the ground, and began to walk out of the park. Hearing a giggling noise to his side, he turned to see a Buneary, eating a croissant while occasionally laughing at him. That Buneary was beginning to be a real pain.

“Suki, go get it!” he yelled, and Suki launched herself after the Buneary. Giggling slightly, the Buneary ran at Suki. Suki’s eyes lit up as her claws began to take on a dark-ish tint, and the dark seemed to flow off her paws when she got closer to Buneary. She was quite surprised when Buneary launched up into the air, and came down with her leg out on Suki.

Joseph gasped as Suki cried in pain. That was a Jump Kick and a strong one too. The darkness began to fade from Suki’s claws until there was none left. Buneary stuck out its tongue at Joseph, and bounced around. “Bun-bun! Buuuun-eary!” it cried, then leapt away out of the park. Joseph felt angry at the small rabbit, as it seemed to be playing with Suki and himself, almost toying with them.

He frowned as Buneary hopped away, and then looked down at Suki. She was obviously okay, but she was definitely angry. “Come on, Suki,” he murmured. “Let’s try and get into that museum,” he finished. Suki got up, and released a puff of gas, signifying that she was quite angry. Joseph began to head towards the exit of Amity Square.

Fifteen minutes and a $10 fine later, Suki and Joseph stood at the entrance of a large museum. Large pillars surrounded it, making it look like some kind of temple. It was tan-colored, and looked rather majestic as the light hit it. Around the top of the museum, the words “Ancient Hearthome City Museum” we engraved deeply into the stone. People were flooding into the museum.

Getting into one of the lines, Joseph began to wait, while listening to people gossip about the museum. The lady in front of him was talking to a lady in the next line over, obviously not caring who heard her. “Y’know, I heard that there is evidence of Old Hearthome down in the sewers!” She yelled to the lady, who nodded.

“They actually have pieces of it! Apparently, they found artifacts and such before a wall crumbled. What a shame, it would’ve been neat to see what it actually looked like!” her friend yelled in response, and the two began to talk about other things. Before long, Joseph was at the front of the line.

At a small stand, a lady sat with a golf visor around her head, and was wearing a polo green shirt. “Welcome to the AHCM. Would you like to buy a ticket?” she questioned. Joseph nodded, and then pulled out a wad of cash from his pocket.

Had he been looking when he went to his pocket, he would’ve seen Suki, with her bristles standing straight up. She was staring at Buneary, who was about 15 yards away. Joseph began to flip through the wad of cash, and was surprised as Suki began to bark like a dog. “Suki! Stop that!” he ordered, but Suki kept barking. Turning towards where she was pointed, he saw Buneary running towards him. Something hit him square in the chest, and he fell back.

Immediately jumping up, he saw Buneary. And in its paws was something green. Checking his pockets, he found that his money was missing. Joseph’s eyes lit up with fury as he went after the Buneary. It laughed at him, and began to run.

Joseph didn’t know what happened to Suki, he was just concentrating on Buneary. It had humiliated him for the last time. He reached the sidewalk and found that Buneary had begun to run in the street. He paused for a second, and time seemed to slow down.

Buneary obviously didn’t watch where it was going. In the center of the buys road, some workers were gathered around a manhole. Buneary was running backwards, taunting him. Joseph began to run towards Buneary, but he froze. The workers had fallen aside as Buneary fell through them, down into the dark manhole. Suki darted in front of him, right up to the manhole. Skidding to a stop, she too fell into the manhole.

Joseph couldn’t believe his eyes. Before he knew it, he had reached the manhole. He could hear the sewer waters rushing below him. Around him, workers were staring down. He turned to a construction worker. “Give me a flashlight,” he choked.

“I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I can’t. My boss’s rules clearly say--“

“I DON”T CARE ABOUT YOUR BOSS’S RULES, MY POKEMON JUST FELL DOWN THERE! NOW GIVE ME A FLASHLIGHT!” he roared. Much to his surprise, the man handed him a flashlight.

“Be safe,” the man said quietly, and moved out of the way. Joseph put his hands on the cold rungs of the ladder built into the wall, and climbed down into the sewer. He fell down onto a grimy surface, covered in slime and droppings. Rubbing his hands on his pants, he stood up and turned on the flashlight. Shining it around him, he inspected his surroundings.

The walls were made of cement, and were covered in all kinds of dirt. The walls were straight, save for the occasional break in the wall which was another passageway. Above hum, he could hear the hum of cars as they went over him. It occasionally dripped water, and was covered in Zubat droppings. In front of him was a path about 2 feet wide, directly next to the wall. On his left side, there was a rush of water. It was a sickening green color, which described the smell. It was utterly revolting. It smelled like a pigsty in the middle of a drought. (Oh, pardon my bad country sayings, I come from California)

Sighing, Joseph set out to find Suki. At first, he slipped on the floor, but he soon began to take note of the slippery floor. Turning a corner, he saw the water making a T. Upon reaching the T, he looked right and left. To his right the water came from uphill. It was obviously not the way to go. To his left, the water kept flowing. The gap in between the two pathways was about a yard wide. Hoping that he could reach it by jumping, he took a couple steps back. He ran, and then jumped over the water.

His fingers grasped at the cement as his jeans were soaked by the water. Pulling himself up, he tried not to think of what was on his pants, and Joseph kept walking. Coming to another T, he decided to take a left, as there was and orangish glow coming from that direction. Upon walking in that direction, he saw a man.

The man wore a tattered, brown blanket as a cape. His clothes looked to be very worn out, and Joseph couldn’t tell what they used to be. Gathering up his courage, Joseph spoke. “Umm, sir? Have you seen a couple Pokémon floating by here? They were a Buneary and a Stunky,” he said. The man turned to him.

“Well, there was a screeching comin’ down this here waterway, so I figure’ I should check it ou’. I saw two Pokémon danglin’ onta each udder, holdin’ on fer dear life,” he said. Joseph nodded, and began to walk away. “Ey! There’ somethin’ else!” he yelled. “There was some strange lights comin’ from that directio’, I’d be carefu’ if ya went down there,” the man said.

“Thank you very much, sir.” Joseph enthusiastically thanked, and he began to half walk, half run, (Speed walking?) down the alleyway. Upon turning around the corner, Joseph saw a pile of all kinds of disgusting stuff piled up upon a gate of some sort. Into the wall was a large circular area. In it, he saw Suki running around from what looked to be a blue coin. Engraved on its back was something that looked like a cotton print.

It had a jolly nose and smile, and it seemed to be enjoying chasing Suki around. Placed evenly around its edges were small blue metal balls. Running up to Suki, he watched as the Bronzor’s face lit up with happiness. “Brooz?” it asked him curiously, floating around his head. It was about a foot in height. Joseph smiled at the Bronzor.

“Oh, Suki, I found you!” he yelled in happiness, and he gave his friend a big hug. Suki lightly nipped him; this was her way of saying, “hi”. Bronzor smiled, the prodded Joseph. It was surprisingly strong for such a small Pokémon, most likely because of its weight. Joseph smiled at it. “Thanks for finding Suki, Bronzor,” he told the blue coin.

“Broooz!” it enthusiastically quipped, then closed its eyes. Feeling something on his belt tug, he watched as a small Pokeball was lifted into the air. “Bronzo?” it asked him, smiling.

Joseph jumped up. The Bronzor wanted a battle! “Suki, can you battle? I left my other Pokeballs back at the house,” he told her, and she launched herself off the ground. Shaking herself of all the water on her, she ran up to Bronzor. Joseph grinned. “Alright then. Suki! Start off with a Slash attack!” he ordered. Suki jumped into the air, and brought her claws down alongside Bronzor’s hard body.

Bronzor was unfazed by the attack, and simply closed its eyes. Around it, a blue bubble surrounded it, but it shimmered away until it was barely visible. It had used Safeguard, and now opened its eyes. The eyes were glowing purple, and Suki was lifted into the air by the Confusion attack. Suki merely stared at Bronzor, as she was immune to this attack.

Bronzor seemed displeased, and launched itself at Suki with a Tackle attack. Suki hit the ground, and leapt right back up. Bronzor wasn’t very strong, and the attack was merely meant to annoy Suki. Joseph decided to order another attack. “Suki, use Night Slash!” he ordered. Suki leapt into the air, her claws glowing black. Grabbing onto Bronzor with one claw, she brought the other down along its back. Jumping backwards off of Bronzor, she landed safely a couple feet behind it. Bronzor turned around, and fell to the ground.
Surprised by this motion, Suki approached Bronzor. Realizing what was happening, Joseph gasped. “Suki! It’s a Faint Attack! It’s meant to trick you—“he yelled, breaking off at the end as Bronzor had disappeared, reappearing behind Suki to bash its head against her. Suki yelped in pain, Overwhelmed by the attack, Suki ran over by Joseph. “Alright Suki, time for a different approach. Use Focus Energy!” Joseph yelled.

Suki’s eyes glowed orange as she focused on Bronzor. She tensed up, and then relaxed again. “Suki, use Night Slash!” Joseph ordered, and Suki once again brought her long dark claws down on Bronzor. This time it affected Bronzor, and Bronzor stumbled for a moment. Shaking itself, it began to gather a silvery ball in front of it. Bronzor launched it at Suki, he leapt aside of the slow-moving ball. The ball collided with the wall, and it began to crumble.

Joseph looked down at Suki. This Bronzor would be near impossible to beat if something didn’t happen soon, and Suki was getting tired. “Suki, use Screech!” Joseph ordered. Suki began to make a bizarre high-pitched sound, which echoed through the sewers. Bronzor closed its eyes, the sound obviously hurt it. Shaking itself again, at began to form another silvery ball, which it launched at Suki. This time, Suki wasn’t prepared, and the ball connected her. She was flung against the wall.

Gasping, Joseph pulled out Suki’s Pokeball. What he was trying to do would be tricky, but it would probably work. “Suki, grab onto Bronzor!” he ordered. Suki jumped onto Bronzor’s back, holding on for dear life. Bronzor spun around, trying to shake her off. “Now use Explosion!” he ordered.

Suki began to glow orange, than went instantly black. Around her, orange waves billowed out that threatened to hit Joseph. As Joseph pointed Suki’s Pokeball at her, she was enveloped in a red aura, disappearing soon after. Bronzor fell to the ground as Rocks form the ceiling began to collapse. Joseph was surprised at how far down they were, he hadn’t noticed them going downward. Running up to Bronzor, he flung an empty Pokeball at it. Bronzor disappeared inside the Pokeball, and just in time. Snatching up the Pokeball, Joseph narrowly escaped a huge rock falling onto him.

The impact of the rock launched him into the sewer. He held onto the Pokeball for dear life as he tumbled through the dark water. He had dropped the flashlight back in the cave, so he couldn’t see much except for the Pokeball’s red flashing light. It shook once in his hands. Twice. Thrusting his head above water, he got some air as he awaited the Pokeball’s final shake, or the one that wouldn’t happen.

Pokémon To Catch: Bronzor
Characters Needed: 10k-20k; Medium
Characters without spaces: 15,006
Characters with spaces: 18,300
Status: Finished
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Old 09-27-2007, 04:15 PM
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Default Re: Crouching Trainer, Hidden Buneary


Story/Plot: XD, Okay. So it was pretty much a big Buneary adventure until the sewer scene. I was pretty surprised at the twist in plot and shift in Pokemon. I wasn't expecting you to go for a Bronzor at all. :o

I liked the personality you gave your characters, and the overall easy-going/amusing pace with this story. I found myself smiling a lot in it, though I honestly couldn't tell you why. Basically the entire thing was a huge cute-fest. Not sure if that's what you were going for with it, but that's what I got.

I also loved the scene where the park "secretary" so to speak was reciting her entrance speech and Joseph cut her off by running after Stunky. Haha, not sure why I find that so funny...blame my lack of sleep. ^^;

ANYWAYS, I could see you slowing down some when you change scenes, add more detail, etc. Nothing too major as I end up saying the same things to lots of stories. Just as long as you have fun with it, then the story will almost always be great.

Grammar/Spelling: Pretty much perfect. You know what your doing. Cool.

Eh, could have done a lot better here. You had details. You had descriptions. But it felt kinda forced in some places. *Tip* If you get to a spot in your story where you're having trouble putting words together to describe it, just close your eyes, picture it in your mind, and write down everything that you see. Every single thing, write it down. You can cut something out, change words around to make it sound prettier, but once you have the basis for what you want to say it's a lot easier to deal with than nothing at all.

Length: Yeah, you got enough. *Obvious*

Battle: Perfect length, I'd say. Two-sided and you used a nice variety of attacks. Detail was pretty good here too, probably the best in the whole story. Just make sure you focus on attacks very thoroughly so the reader can picture them happening. You could also bring in more of your surroundings for the battle. Add effects and sounds and smells. The two won't be fighting in mid-air, so it's important to write out everything.

Very nice overall. :)

Outcome: Hope you don't mind the short grade. ^^; I think I'm in like robo-grading mode or something... Anyway, enough about me. XD This was a nice, decent, qualified story for Bronzor. Bronzor captured! Have fun with your new... uh... yeah I don't even know what that is. :/ Looks like a bottle cap...

Last edited by EmBreon; 10-18-2007 at 05:42 PM. Reason: I said "clothes your eyes"
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