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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 09-29-2007, 09:28 PM
EonMythos Offline
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Default To Catch an Element-Earth

ooc: Alright, so here’s the first installment of a new series idea for my URPG catches. Each one will be a specific type of Pokemon, corresponding with an element; like in this first one, Earth corresponds with Ground and Rock type Pokemon. ^_^ Anyway, so I will be aiming for a Trapinch in this one, which means at least around 10k-20k characters. Enjoy.

Note: This is in no way connected to my past failed story, save for the use of my Pokemon. And each one will probably have a different trainer used.

To Catch an Element: Earth
By; Kitty-chan
Goal: Trapinch

It was a clam, clear morning along route 111 in the Hoenn region, with little to disturb the peace. Even within the desert, there was no sandstorm today, and only the activities of the Pokemon could be seen for miles. The sky shone bright blue with fluffy cotton clouds floating around at a lazy pace, making it the perfect day to be outside to just enjoy the calm weather. Pokemon were at ease today, making them easier to spot amongst the grass or dessert sand.

And that was exactly why Anita was out there, barely after sunrise, and picking her way through the taller grasses. She had recently caught a Pidgey, and after working out her differences with him she was ready to begin training. She figured that route 111 would be good, but after seeing it was such a beautiful day became distracted by the sounds and sights she normally didn’t get to see. Kamikaze, her Pidgey, fluttered happily around her head, mussing her cropped golden brown hair with the small breezes created by his wings, and generally having fun. They hadn’t yet fought any of the Pokemon, but it didn’t seem to deter either of them from their good moods.

Anita’s almond shaped, bright emerald eyes glittered like precious stones, the silken strands of seemingly spun gold hair falling into them every so often, only to be blown back out with a short breath. Her tanned skin set her apart from the few other campers and hikers, as well as the outfit she was wearing; a deep red tank top and black jeans that were partially concealed with a black trench coat, and complemented with black hiking boots. Compared to the greens and tans of the few people she game across, she certainly was an oddity, but the clothing would suit their purpose soon enough. Right now, the slightly cool air was all they were going to worry about, especially since they were nearing the desert edge.

“Hey, Kaze,” Anita spoke up, stopping their walk to rest under the shade of a large tree,” Think you can take on some of the desert Pokemon?” Kaze, in response, landed near her head and gave it a soft peck; as if asking why she would think they couldn’t. She laughed lightly, swatting him away playfully and staring at the beginnings of the expansive desert a few yards away. Kaze nestled himself onto her shoulder, his bright golden eyes staring forward with the determination that his species was known for, and the array of neutral toned feathers on his small body standing nearly on end. It was obvious he was excited, and that energy, in turn, transferred over to Anita.

“Alright then, it’s settled,” she stated, her voice a low whisper so only Kaze could hear it,” We’re going to go out into the desert to train; that’s our main objective. But, I also want to look for something, a specific Pokemon.” She dug around in her backpack, which had been packed with extra canteens of water just for this occasion, and pulled out her PokeDex, flipping it open and scrolling through the entries for a specific one. When she stopped she lifted it up for Kaze to see, a small smile on her face. The little device showed what appeared to be some sort of mammal, but the rough reddish-orange skin and overly large jaws made it hard to tell. Little beady white eyes, and no ears to speak of, Kaze couldn’t help but blink at it in confusion. What in the world was it?

“That, my dear Kaze, is a Trapinch,” Anita spoke up, as if reading his thoughts,” It’s classified as the Ant Pit Pokemon, but it has several special abilities that are useful in battles, as well as a sturdy body. Think like the tank of the battle, while you do more damage it would actually take more. It’s a very good Pokemon to have on a team by itself, but when you evolve it to it’s final stage it gets even better.” She scrolled down past the bug looking Pokemon right below Trapinch, stopping on the dragon like one right below that. Though still appearing bug-like, it held a bit more of a majestic presence, as well as a bright green, blue, and red color scheme.

“That is a Flygon, the final evolution of Trapinch. Pretty cool, no? They take on the flying trait as well, and can even learn a few dragon techniques, such as Dragonbreath, Dragon Claw, and Dragon Pulse. A Flygon would make a great partner for you in a double battle if I was looking for a simply powerful team.”

Kaze chirped his agreement, shaking his head slightly and looking at the PokeDex with an interested look. Anita giggled lightly, patting him gently on the wing before flipping her dex shut and shoving it back into the bag haphazardly. She pushed away from the tree, stretching her arms above her head and making Kaze leave his perch, before starting off towards the most common place to find what she was looking for. Kaze followed behind her for a few minutes before taking his perch again, as well as dozing off to take a nap; at which she shook her head and sighed lightly, but didn’t bother trying to keep him awake. He’d wake up when ever he head something coming, she was sure, so why not let him get some rest before he has to fight?


As she walked, the surroundings became less lush, and gave way to dense soil and rocky outcrops as opposed to the soft grass and vibrant trees. It was a bit harder to walk here, with the ground so rocky and slowly turning into the unforgiving sands, but Anita continued with no hesitation, focused completely on the prize. If she could make it today, she’d come away not only with a new Pokemon, but Kaze would gain valuable experience as well. And even if she didn’t get the Pokemon, she’d still have experience, as well as a chance to try again. It was that determination that fueled her, and with it she set her first step into the rolling and treacherous sands that withheld some of the strangest Pokemon to be found in Hoenn.

A good hour or so passed without anything too interesting happening; Kaze took on a few Cacnea with ease, and there weren’t a lot of Pokemon that dared show themselves when they heard her coming. By the time she made it to the first oasis she found the sun was becoming close to unbearable, and it wasn’t even noon yet. They stopped at the oasis to rest in the shade of a tall tree, watching the many Pokemon that would visit to re-hydrate before braving the now burning grains again, before refilling the canteen that had been emptied and setting out once again; this time towards a strange rock formation that stuck out against the pale blue sky.

The closer she got the better she could make out what the shape seemed to be, and smile wormed its way onto her face when she figured it out; the wind, and probably Pokemon, had cut it to look like a very crude outline of a Tyranitar. A sculpture to the king of the desert, it seemed more fitting than intimidating in this case. But, what excited Anita was that when she was nearly directly underneath the large work of natural art, she was able to make out the shape of her objective. Creeping closer, while Kaze took to the air to circle around in the air and prepare for attack, she nearly squealed in delight.

Nestled against the stone, the only shade for a good while, was a rather large Trapinch. And not only that, but one of the most unusual coloring; instead of a reddish clay color, it’s body was a pale slate gray hue, with the lightest red eyes Anita had seen on any Pokemon. It wasn’t a shiny version, she knew for a fact they were generally a dark greenish in coloring, as opposed to this light shade of gray. The only thing she could think it could be was an albino, in which case catching it would probably do more good than harm; it didn’t have the natural camouflage that the rest of the species, making hiding from attackers or to surprise prey a lot harder.

Standing up straight, Anita decided that this was the Trapinch she wanted to get. She’d try no matter how long it took, but she would make sure she got this one. Nodding to herself, she ran over the attacks that she figured would be most useful against, before taking a deep breath and finding a spot that would protect her from the sand that would get blown up.

“Kaze! Attack with Wing Attack!”

Kaze, who had been wheeling about in the sky to pick up speed, turned sharply and dove down, towards the now awake Trapinch that was looking around for the attack. Wings spread wide, and glowing slightly, Kaze barreled into the ground type, only realize he didn’t aim right and to tumble into the sand behind his opponent. Anita moved back slightly, circling the battlefield slowly so she could avoid being caught up in the cloud of sand that was kicked up in the gust that followed her avian Pokemon.

The Trapinch, however, didn’t seem to feel like battling, and turned to smack Kaze in the back with its head before waddling away. Kaze was, unfortunately, thrown headfirst into a sand dune where he struggled to free himself, allowing the Trapinch to escape unhindered. The whole scene went over so quick, that it left Anita blinking in shock, before a giggle escaped her. So it was going to be a challenge. Well, so be it, she and Kaze would come out on top eventually, even if it took the whole day to do so!


Another hour of wandering around, tracking the Trapinch to the best of their abilities, and Anita was beginning to think they’d imaged the whole thing. It was possible; the heat could have gotten to the both of them, making them see an illusion of a strangely colored Pokemon. But, they both wanted to believe it had happened, and they both wanted to find the little thing; Kaze for revenge, and Anita so she could capture it.

By now though, it was less than half an hour from noon, and most of the Pokemon were hidden away from the blazing sun. Already, Anita could feel the skin on her face becoming dry and caked with a thin layer of grit, and she was thankful that she wouldn’t have too bad of a sunburn after they were through. Her trench coat, originally to protect her arms from possible sand storms, was shoved into her backpack with the rest of her things, and Kaze had been returned to his Pokeball so he wouldn’t be dehydrated when they found the Trapinch next. A black, wide brimmed sunhat held her hair from her face, protecting her neck and face from more of the sun, while her shoulders and back were bared to intense rays that beat down on her from behind.

The surroundings stayed the same, a loose, barren wasteland with rocks jutting up here and there, as well as the occasional cactus or desert shrub. But, the consistency wasn’t something that was good for Anita’s horrible sense of direction, nor did it provide anything to distract her from the heat and over all boring atmosphere. That was left to devising a way to get the strange Trapinch to stay and fight her next time she found it.

If she found it before she died of heat stroke, that is.

As if reading her thoughts, the world around her suddenly spun, knocking her off balance so she face first into a sand dune, much like Kaze had before. Sputtering, trying to get the grit from her mouth without wasting precious water, she slowly pulled herself into a sitting position while trying to stop her vision from spinning.

“Maa!!” she yelled, throwing her fists into the air in a fit of frustration before digging into her backpack for her second canteen. The first had been emptied again, and it was thrown unceremoniously into the pack while the second one replaced it at her hip after a good long drink of the slightly warm liquid inside. Once that was done, she slowly pulled her sore body from the ground, blinking some sweat out of her eyes as she looked out over the horizon to try and figure out where she was. When nothing stood out, a dejected sigh escaped her now chapped lips, her shoulders slumping in a defeated posture. Not only did she loose her prize, but her way as well.

“What else could happen to me today?” she muttered, slowly beginning to trudge towards what looked like another wind-cut rock formation. This one wasn’t much of any design; in fact, it appeared to be a bunch of rounded boulders stacked on top of each other, and even as she neared it she didn’t find anything as magnificent as the last. But, to her shock, she did find the exact same Trapinch that had avoided her all day, and her eyebrow twitched in annoyance. Gripping her Pokeball tightly, she threw it into the air with as much force as she could, so that Kaze could get a good dive in directly from release.

“Kaze! Use your Air Slash!”

Just as the ball hit its peak, Kaze burst from it in a shower of sparkles, going straight into his dive while his whole body glowed slightly. He didn’t aim for the little ant Pokemon though; instead he swept in an arc right by it’s startled form, kicking up a wall of sand behind him as he cut through the air like a knife. The attack threw handfuls of dirt into the air and onto the Trapinch, acting much like a Sandstorm, while the gust that followed after the small bird’s form knocked the squat little Pokemon over like it was nothing more than a twig.

Kaze swooped back up gracefully, hovering a few feet away and awaiting for his next command, but Anita was currently having her own problems. She hadn’t bothered to move out of the way, and had been knocked back as well as covered in a layer of sand from the following gust of wind. She coughed and sputtered slightly, blinking her dirt filled eyes to try and get all foreign particles from them, and thus was unable to see the danger she had put herself in. The Trapinch, obviously not happy about being attacked, lifted itself onto its back legs before slamming back down with all it’s weight, making the earth shake with the force and making Anita loose the little balance she had while sitting. She went toppling over onto the ground in an undignified position, while Trapinch simply turned and waddled away again.

Kaze, in a fit that his opponent was trying to leave, dove yet again for a second Air Slash, but the Trapinch was unusually fast this time around, and simply butted him away like an annoying bug. He, too, went sprawling head first into the sand; while the Trapinch dug down to form an escape route before tunneling away. Growling, and pushing herself back up, Anita dove for the hole in an attempt to catch it before it got away, but the sand gave in too easily, and the Trapinch’s escape route was blocked off from the outside world.

“Ah great, now we’ve gone and lost it again,” Anita mumbled, trying to get the dirt from her shirt and pants while glaring at the ground,” It seems pretty adapted to escaping, the little nuisance. Never thought it was that fast though, and it even used Earthquake on me!” She twitched slightly at that, feeling the sand stick to her sweating form seemingly without end while grating on her nerves even more. She was dirty, she was sweaty, and she was wandering through the desert trying to find something that didn’t want to be found; it was obviously stretching her patience thin.

But, whenever she thought about it, it was only her fault, so she really should be getting as worked up as she did. It just really irked her that when she set her eyes on something, it usually to extraordinary attempts to achieve it.

“Kaze, you okay?” she asked with a sigh, walking over and gently picking the small avian up,” It didn’t get you too bad, right? Do you think we can still fight it?” A nod and coo of agreement were the response, and she simply nodded before returning her loyal Pokemon to his Pokeball for some well deserved rest until she found the Trapinch again.

Scanning the ground all around her for any indication of the way it went, she sighed again when her eyes fell upon nothing useful, but squared her shoulders in determination and set off in the rough direction of where she thought the thing had gone. Now, if her luck could hold out, she would hopefully find the strangely colored Pokemon underneath the next rock formation, it was just a matter of making it there.

Ryn the Flygon: Complete at 872

Banner is mine! >:3

Last edited by Dr Scott; 10-15-2007 at 09:40 AM.
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Old 09-29-2007, 09:29 PM
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By the time it neared six in the evening, Anita was ready to call it quits. She may have wanted a Trapinch, but the only one she ran into all day was the gray one, and then it would run away after outwitting Kaze. She just didn’t have the energy anymore, and even Kaze, who was barely out of his Pokeball, was growing weary. She probably traversed most the desert by now; her legs felt like lead, her skin was caked in a layer of dirt at least an inch thick, and she was sure she was going to have some form of a sunburn the next day. It was time to call it a day, especially before she ran into a Cacturne that would come out near the end of the day.

The dejected air around her could not be missed, with her eyes down cast and her shoulders slumped in defeat. She would probably willingly admit that a wild Pokemon bested her, and she did have a rather funny story to tell when she got back to Mauville. Of course, without the Pokemon to show them, they’d think she made it all up, but it was the memories that counted, right?

She sighed lowly as she neared the edge of the desert, where the sand gave way to rocky ground before turning into soft grass. She was almost home, and it was with that thought that she released Kaze from his Pokeball. The little brown and tan ball of feathers was instantly on her shoulder, resting his head slightly against her ear and cooing lowly; his own sign of disappointment with the day. They both closed their eyes, Anita walking the path by memory, to just bask in the slowly cooling temperatures around them, taking in the sounds as the diurnal Pokemon around them shuffled towards their homes to begin nestling down for the evening.

They had barely stepped onto the grass, when the ground rumbled dangerously below them; sending Kaze into the sky and Anita pitched forward with the loss of her balance. Luckily, she managed to catch herself before she hit the ground, spinning around quick enough to spot her attacker. She almost wanted to cry in frustration when she figured out who it was; the Trapinch she had been trying to catch all day stood staring at them with a fiery determination, looking almost mad that they stopped trying to chase it.

“Hey!” Anita snapped, clenching her fist out in front of her and glaring at it,” Why the heck did you attack us like that?!” Kaze mirrored her annoyance by ruffling his feathers and squawking loudly, fluttering restlessly near her head but glaring at the Ant Pit Pokemon. The Trapinch shook it’s head slightly, sending them a pointed look and taking a step forward. This seemed to confuse Anita, but Kaze was quick to explain to her in his own language of chirps and coos.

“HEY!!” she yelped indignantly, glaring herself now but twitching in annoyance,” We weren’t playing a game! I was really trying to capture you, and you had me run all over the freaking desert just to get mad when I go home?!” An odd, shaky sort of nod was the response, making her twitching change to all out trembling.

“Alright then, you want to fight now?” she questioned, thrusting her arm out to point at the current root of her recently developed nervous problem when she got yet another odd nod from it,” Kaze, attack it with a Wing Attack!”

Kaze wasted no time in shooting off, striking the Trapinch head on only to be grabbed by it’s large maw and thrown to the side. Anita wisely moved backwards slightly, so she wouldn’t be in the range of attack, watching the whole scene with a critical eye. Kaze was obviously tired; he wasn’t nearly as fast as he normally was, while the Trapinch didn’t even break a sweat running all over the place. It took a few seconds for him to get back up from that simple counter, which meant that she was going to have to play with more strategy than anything else. But, they did hold an advantage, as long as Kaze stayed off the ground. Nodding to herself, she cupped her hands around her mouth to shout out the next attack.

“Kaze! Stay away from the ground and you won’t be hit by the majority of it’s attacks!” She received a nod, and thus continued with a slightly renewed vigor. “Alright then, whip up a good Twister for it!” Thankfully, they weren’t close enough to the sandy part of the desert to whip up a sandstorm; the Trapinch would have more of an advantage then. But the twister that Kaze whipped up with several beats of his wings was certainly a sight to see; a swirling vortex of winds that ripped up small bushes and plants and sent them hurdling at the Trapinch with deadly accuracy. The sturdy little ground type barely managed to stay rooted in it’s spot, and took quite a beating from all the debris.

Then, to Anita’s surprise, Trapinch stirred up a counter attack with Sandstorm, and the two storms canceled each other out. Trapinch didn’t wait for Kaze to respond, and instead sent another Sandstorm out to try and knock the bird from the air. It seemed to know it wouldn’t be able to fight unless Kaze’s wings were clipped. Anita had to move to the side yet again before she could call out another attack, circling around until she was sure she wouldn’t be in harms way for the time being.

“Gah, try and stop the Sandstorm with a Whirlwind!” she shouted, her voice growing raw from the over use, and cracking halfway through the sentence. She felt heavier already, the exhaustion of the day wearing down on her small body with full force, and her legs were shaking so bad it was jarring her body around. But, she locked her knees and focused on the battle again, determination returning to her at the sight of the two trading blows. Trapinch continued to start sandstorms, and Kaze continued to blow strong gusts of wind back at them to stop it; it almost seemed they would be forever stuck in a stalemate.

Unless, of course, one of them took action and attacked first.

“Kaze! Get in there with Agility and then use a close ranged Wing Attack!” Kaze shot off almost immediately, shooting through another sandstorm with newfound speed and closing in on Trapinch in a matter of seconds. Once there, he spread his wings to their full length and slammed into the ant pit Pokemon full force, both of them tumbling to the ground in a thrashing heap. Anita froze in horror, watching with wide eyes as they tumbled about until Trapinch managed to step back a few steps and slammed it’s body into the ground to create the now all too familiar trembling of the earth.

Anita tried to call out, but her throat refused to obey. Fumbling with her canteen, she emptied the very last of her water into her mouth before screeching out one last command.

“Use Mirror Move to copy that Earthquake attack!”

Kaze, already quite shaken about and stumbling slightly, somehow shook himself out of his daze long enough to let out a screeching battle cry, and the rumbling earth turned full force against it’s previous master. Trapinch was shaken with so much force that it stumbled into a rock rather roughly, before the earth split slightly to catch it’s back leg, holding it in place long enough for Kaze to take the initiative without Anita commanding him too. In a final, glorious show, a magnificent Twister was whirled into being, slinging the small rocks that had broken loose during the battle about like projectiles and heading towards the ensnared Trapinch with no hesitation.

The dust cloud that was stirred up obscured Anita’s vision, and it took a few minutes for it to settle down, but when it did she acted without thought. Rushing to the side of her unconscious bird, she cradled him to her chest and looked wearily over at their opponent.

Trapinch was still conscious; though it seemed just barely, and it’s back leg was still stuck in the thin vein of a crack that Kaze’s mirrored earthquake created. It was fiercely trying to get out, but nothing seemed to budge to appendage more than the barest of inch. Sucking in a deep breath, Anita pulled out a Pokeball from a side pocket of her backpack, enlarging it and tossing it at her ‘prize’.

As the familiar red beam sucked Trapinch in, she found she could barely breath from excitement. Would she finally catch it, after such a hard day in the desert?

Ryn the Flygon: Complete at 872

Banner is mine! >:3

Last edited by Dr Scott; 10-15-2007 at 09:41 AM.
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Old 10-15-2007, 06:40 PM
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Default Re: To Catch an Element-Earth

If you're wondering why it says: Last edited by TheScottMan, it's because I had him change your font color to black while I was reading it. It usually isn't a big deal to use another color other than black, but please try and make sure it is readable because the blue you have here hurt my eyes. ^^;

Story/Plot: I think for a Medium this plot works, but it seemed a bit simple in general. Anita and her Pidgey go into the desert in search of a Trapinch and have a rough time with it. It's a plot, but it isn't much. I can tell you are experienced with your style of writing, so I think you're capable of coming up with a much more original plot than this. ;P Your details and sentence structure and the way you captured the setting was excellent; it made the story more interesting even if the plot was somewhat weak. I especially liked how you brought in how extremely hot it was; I almost found myself thirsty and craving water every time Anita fell into the sand. ;P

The introduction was short and to the point. You physically described your characters (very nicely, I might add), and you gave a brief feel for the surroundings. I felt that this area was missing something. Perhaps a brief history or background on Anita and her Pidgey as you mentioned you had used them before. It is important to give your characters personalities so they become interesting and relatable. If she seems hollow and there is not much life to her, what makes you choose her as your main character if she has nothing to set herself apart from anyone else? This is one of the most important things you want to accomplish in writing stories. The lead character nearly carries the rest of your story along as they face the problems and obstacles they must overcome. You want to make them interesting; give them life. Is she stubborn? Righteous? Rude? These characteristics would make her unique, whether they are admirable qualities or not.

You also mentioned that "She had recently caught a Pidgey, and after working out her differences with him she was ready to begin training." This is very vague. What were the differences? It would have been interesting to see the two undergo the whole bonding experience after a catch. You may have had this happen in a previous story, or you may not have. But the relationship between your character and her Pokemon is another important asset to have. You don't want the creatures to seem like mindless robots, they have individual personalities too, which is what sets them so much apart from animals. I just couldn't see anything behind your characters. They were very plain, and to put it bluntly, boring. If I were to choose one thing to improve on in your next story, it would be for you to bring life into your characters. Make them stand out; give them something that sets them apart from everyone else. There must be something you admire about them, otherwise you would not use them repetitively in your stories. Take that reason and put it in writing.

Another thing I could see happening with this is another problem to get in their way, or something else besides "It's hot and I can't find Trapinch." This was a long and drawn out wild goose chase. It was a little hard to concentrate on this story because not much happened. I am not trying to sound tough or mean, but I think writers deserve to know my honest opinion. And considering the fact that you know how to write, and you actually write well, it should be easy for you to create a unique and original plot that stands out from the rest. Perhaps a sand storm whipped up and forced you to run for cover where you happen to stumble upon a mysterious cave with strange markings, or you are separated from Kaze and must go through great lengths to find him. The story is yours to manipulate. Be as creative as you can, because in the long run, that is what can decide your capture if you attempt something in higher levels.

Grammar/Spelling: I am not going to go through and nit-pick every single error out and correct it for you. This section is here mainly for the purpose to help you if you have any repetitive grammatical problems. In harder levels this becomes more important, but for the sand ant you really have nothing much to worry about. Your dialogue structure was correct, you capatilized Pokemon names and attacks, all of the major and most important things were covered perfectly; so nice job. I will, however, mention one thing:
Kaze, already quite shaken about and stumbling slightly, somehow shook himself out of his daze long enough to let out a screeching battle cry, and the rumbling earth turned full force against it’s previous master.
I noticed this was used incorrectly several times. "It's" is a contraction of "it is", you want to use the possession form "its". When you're trying to say that one thing belongs to something else, you do not use the form with the apostrophe. E.g. That is its owner. Or Its engine roared. etc. Now you would use the contraction to replace "it is". E.g. It's snowing. Or I can't believe it's already 5:30. You get it. :P

Keep in mind that this area becomes more important the higher the level in difficulty that the Pokemon is you attempt.

Detail/Description: This could easily be your strongest area, and this is what made the story interesting. Even though you were dealing with something that wasn't very exciting, you brought the scene to life with vivid details. I think you captured the atmosphere of a real desert, and I could picture everything as it happened. I especially liked how you brought in the importance of water, and how her mouth was dry and her voice was crackly. Those are perfectly plausible symptoms and you expressed them well.

I noticed that you had her traveling the entire stretch of the desert in one day. I think you brought in the gameboy version of the desert here, when you really want to avoid that. Yes, I understand that Pokemon are fictional, but you want the reader's imagination to wonder; make them feel like they are actually there. A real desert would be impossible to travel in a day, as the climate change would have to be so drastic and would be nearly impossible to effect such a small area. You would get a more gradual change with this. You wouldn't be walking in lush, moist grass and then within seconds you're in the middle of an extremely hot, and dry desert. Try not to even use the game design with your story; you want this to be as realistic as possible.

Another thing that bothered me was that, while you gave plenty of details about the temperature, I don't recall any mentioning of Anita sweating. You probably think I am strange for noticing this, but wouldn't you think that that would be the first side affect of the heat? And she even started off wearing a coat O_o. I think dehydration would come long before sand-crusted skin and a raspy voice. Wandering the desert alone with little supplies other than a small bit of water would be extremely difficult. I think you should have given Anita a much rougher time than what you gave her.

Honestly, you did a very good job with this as a whole. It was hard for me to find anything to comment on because you covered everything so well. If you could bring out this kind of strength in the descriptions of your actual characters, you could nearly have this area nailed. You cover the surroundings nicely, now bring the focus to Anita and her Pidgey.

Length: Plenty. I can tell you didn't obsess over character count or stop short as soon as you came within the limit, so props to you.

Battle: Well, there were a few. Several short ones, but they were still battles. I couldn't really get into them, to be honest. You made them two-sided (actually giving Trapinch the majority of the upper-hand), but not much else. I can understand how you might have difficulty writing a battle for the two, as Pidgey does not learn a wide variety of attacks and neither does Trapinch, but try and be creative with it by bringing in other things. Attacks don't necessarily have to one after the other, send some at the same time (like you did with Twister and Sandstorm, which was the most interesting part of the battle). It would have been neat to see the ground ant use Dig, and explain how it appeared even though it would miss. Or you could bring in more of your surroundings. I understand you're in a desert and there is not much to use, but maybe Anita brought water balloons in her backpack *kidding*, however, she could have used her jacket as some sort of net for Pidgey to drop on its opponent, or given the bird a full canteen of water to empty on it, anything. Be creative.

The way you encountered the Ground type was a little disappointing as well. The "happens upon Pokemon" theme is far too common. I think you could easily invent a new way to encounter it. Even something as simple as accidentally stepping on it would be a nice change. Just bring in the originality factor with this.

Outcome: Right, well it may seem like I went hard on you with this, but the story was perfectly fine for the Medium ant. Trapinch captured! I tried to give you as much advice and tips for writing stories because I could see you attempting something at least a category harder next time. Keep up the great work, and enjoy your new Poke.

Last edited by EmBreon; 10-16-2007 at 04:51 PM.
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