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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 10-08-2007, 08:44 PM
Psychic Offline
Master Trainer
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On Serebiiforums
Posts: 445
Default Scrambling After Eggs

This is my second URPG story: in the first, our hero and heroine, Psychic and Bladewing, were adventurers in a three Pokémon capture story. I will once again be going for three Pokémon throughout the course of this story, however unlike last time, our protagonists' only goal is to watch over one little egg. How hard could it be, right?

Very, very hard.

So far, Part One will be counted towards another capture: Part Two is a capture all on its own. I have yet to write anything more.


Scrambling After Eggs


Part One: Any Egg-Sitter Will Do


The road was mostly deserted today: it was a bright, beautiful day, so most trainers were staying in the cities, making use of local pools and beaches as the sun beat down onto unprotected heads, hanging in a lovely blue sky dotted randomly with fluffy white clouds. A gentle breeze rustled the leaves of nearby trees whose branches reached up towards the sky and the grass lining the dirt road on either side, softly nudging the flowers opening their petals to the sun. Bird Pokémon chirped merrily from their roosts, bugs buzzed delightfully and smaller Pokémon scurried about playfully through the tall grass.

However the road stayed deserted no more as two silhouettes were beginning to appear against the bright blue sky walking along the dirt path, kicking up a small cloud of dust in their wake. Flanked by greenery and trees on either side, their features were indistinguishable, but as they continued along the details came into focus. The two were around the same height, with similar bipedal shapes. For awhile this was all that could be made out, but as they got closer it became clear that only one, the one on the left, was human. This was a female, a teenager, while on the right was a Pokémon. The girl was pale-skinned, with long blond hair that the wind played with somewhat, falling just around her waist. The Pokémon was humanoid, covered in plated green armour with a pointed, reptilian head. The girl was sporting a sleeveless purple top with a v-neck and a pair of dark blue cargo pants, with bright blue eyes. The Pokémon’s arms were replaced by large blades, and had filmy, bug-like wings on its back.

The two walked along in silence, though not a stony one; both were enjoying the lovely summer day, letting the sun warm their faces and the breeze tickle skin and brush armour. Yes, both were quite content as they walked along, admiring the colourful flowers and diverse Pokémon bustling about around them, grey running shoes and clawed green feet kicking up dust as they made their way towards Ecruteak City. However their blissful enjoyment was sharply interrupted by a persistent ringing, coming from a blue bad slung over the girl’s shoulder.

Looking as if she had been rudely awakened from a deep contemplation, the girl, without stopping, opened up one of the smaller compartments in her shoulder bag to take out a cellular phone with a large screen and number pad. As she pressed a button, the screen buzzed to life and the face of a young boy came into focus. The child was young, his face full of youth, with curly, dark blond hair and cute lime green eyes.

“Hiya, Psychic!” the boy said cheerfully, grinning good-naturedly. “Oh, and Bladewing, yo!” he added quickly.

“Oh, hi Ryan, how are you doing?” the girl, Psychic, asked with a smile.

“Scai, scai-thar, scai scyther ther-scai?” the Scyther asked politely.

“Um, sorry Bladewing, I don’t really understand you,” the boy said, rubbing the back of his head somewhat embarrassingly.

“He wants to know how your journey is going so far. How long ago did you get your Trainer’s Permit - hasn’t it only been a few months? How’s the Trainer’s life treating you?” Psychic clarified, smiling.

“Yeah, just been a few months. I wish you could have made it to my tenth birthday party.” Ryan pouted for a moment, but quickly got past it. “But I know you got busy with stuff, and I can understand why- this training thing isn’t easy.”

Psychic nodded as her cousin paused for a moment. “Actually, that’s kinda what I called to talk to ya about. Are you free for the next few days? I have a little favour to ask,” he said somewhat shyly, sounding somewhat uncomfortable.

“Scai,” Bladewing muttered with a roll of his eyes, but there was a slight undertone of curiosity in the mantis’ voice.

“Go ahead, I’m listening,” Psychic said when Ryan stared blankly at Bladewing. The boy shook his head.

“Well, I kinda need you to egg-sit for a few days,” he said, avoiding to look directly at Psychic as he fumbled with something off-screen. “See, me and Theodore – my Bayleef, you know – wanted to go to this Sunflora Festival thing taking place in Cherrygrove City for the next two days. Problem is that getting there isn’t easy, you know? But we did find this guy and his Exeggcute who Teleports people around Johto - real cheap, too – who says he’ll take us there, even take us back for like, half price.

“But well, he only Teleports Pokémon in their Pokéballs – safer, less risk of “accidents,” he said, whatever that means. And well, I recently won this egg in one of those draws in Goldenrod, but since you can’t put an egg in a Pokéball or anything he won’t Teleport it with me. So um, could you please just watch over it while we go to the Sunflora Festival? Please?”

Psychic raised an eyebrow, then gained a thoughtful expression on her face. She turned to the Scyther standing next to her. “Well, Bladewing, what do you think?”

“Ther, scai-scai, scyther-ther scai thar,” he said pointedly, shrugging his plated shoulders and causing the wings attached to his back to shake.

“Good point. Sure, we’ll do it,” Psychic said, smiling.

Ryan’s face lit up and he broke out in a grin that went from ear-to-ear. “Aw, gee thanks, Psychic! This is perfect! Can you meet me at the Ecruteak City Pokémon Center in a little while? I’m just chilling by the lake on Route 42 – escape the heat, yunno.”

“Sure thing – as luck had it we’re just on Route 37, a ways west of you. Meet you in about two hours?” Psychic responded after quickly glancing at the digital time displayed on the phone.

“Yeah, okay, awesome. Thank you sooooooo so much, Psychic, I owe ya one!” Ryan practically shouted in his gleefulness as he began dancing about happily before ending the call and turning the screen on the phone blank.



“Well, here it is.” Not long after the call, the cousins met up at the nearby Pokémon Center, the building’s air conditioning system providing a relief after having spent so long under the sun’s rays. Ryan presented Psychic with a red cushion, atop which rested a Pokémon egg about the size of a human head. The egg was dark green with a shiny, smooth surface, the two yellow stripes on the top being the only break in colour.

Psychic carefully took the cushion supporting the egg, raising it up to eye-level so as to get a better look at it. Bladewing moved closer to the egg, studying it curiously.

“Thanks again, Psychic. I gotta go, now,” Ryan said earnestly, pointing to a man wearing a fedora waiting lazily on a nearby couch in the Center, a group of pink, egg-like creatures gathered at his feet.

“Scai? Thar!” Bladewing suddenly yelped as the egg began rocking about slightly on its perch.

“Oy, this looks pretty close to hatching, Ryan,” Psychic said carefully, eyes wide as the shaking slowly came to an end.

The ten-year-old was already walking over to the Teleport man. “I know, that’s why I need you to take extra-good care of it, okay?” Ryan turned to say over his shoulder, giving Psychic a wink. Before she could say another word Ryan, the man and the Exeggcute were out the door (as Teleport was best used outdoors), beyond earshot, leaving the two alone.



“Lunch time,” Psychic said cheerfully after glancing up at the sun sitting directly over the duo’s head. Currently, they were off the main path of Route 37, surrounded by towering trees and lush greenery all around. They were in something of a small clearing, the tree branches high overhead keeping out a decent amount of the sun’s heat with large green bushes all about.

The teen stopped and sat down, putting the Pokémon egg she had been holding in her arms down onto the grass. She reached into her shoulder bag and pulled out a small red picnic blanket, fanning it out to lay it flat on the ground.

“Scai, scai-scyther, scyther thar?” Bladewing asked, busying himself by looking about the surrounding area, checking for any nearby Pokémon who might disturb the egg (or themselves) during their meal.

“The stream? It’s not supposed to be that much farther, I think. Do you remember what she said it was near?” Psychic answered with another question, pulling a brown paper bag out of her sack and placing it on the blanket next to the green egg.

“Ther, scai-thar, ther scyther scai,” the Scyther responded as he, satisfied with the job he had done, returned to sit on the blanket.

“An Aipom nest? Yeah, that makes more sense than Mankey – they tend to live in more foresty areas. Of course, this isn’t so unlike that, but meh. Ugh, an apple? Bladewing, you know I’m semi-allergic to these,” Psychic muttered as she pulled a bright green apple out of the paper bag now that she too was sitting on the warm red blanket, the egg right beside her.

“Scai.” A strange grin came across Bladewing’s face, a glint in his eyes telling Psychic exactly what the mantis wanted to do. Rolling her eyes slightly, Psychic extended her hand, keeping her palm flat. And faster than you can say “slash” the Scyther’s scythes flew about, moving faster than the eye could see. When he withdrew his scythes the apple fell apart into multiple slices sections.

“Lovely. Would you like me to throw them so you can catch them in your mouth, too?” Psychic asked sarcastically, but was really trying to hold back a giggle and applause at her friend’s skill.

Bladewing nodded eagerly.

“You’re almost as strange as me, sometimes.” At this comment Bladewing stuck out his tongue and started panting like a Growlithe, eyes wide and innocent. Both broke into laughter as Psychic drew back her arm, apple slices in hand.

“Fetch, boih!” she cried in deep-chested a Southern accent as she threw the pieces of fruit into the air. The bug’s wings snapped open and he launched himself into the air, darting about with mouth wide open so as to snatch as many slices as he could before they could fall down to earth. The few he missed fell to the ground with a light thump, but he flew low and plucked up these as well with a snap of his jaw. One or two landed in the bushes, and he was about to go for these, but Psychic called for him not to bother. Bladewing hesitated, then shrugged and returned to his trainer, and they ate the rest of their meal in blissful silence.

“Alright, let’s start packing up,” Psychic said as the two finished off their lunch. They started getting up and were about to roll up the blanket when the teen realized something.

“Bladewing, where’s the egg?” Sure enough, the spot where the egg had been sitting was now empty, causing the girl’s mouth to hang open in disbelief.

“Scai scai-thar scai,” Bladewing muttered darkly, sweatdropping.

“Tell me about it – I’ve never lost anything so quickly before,” Psychic said, looking about. “How the heck could it have disappeared so fast, anyway?”

“Ther, scai…” the Scyther murmured thoughtfully before doing to same. Psychic quickly packed the blanket away before resuming searching for a hint as to the egg’s whereabouts, but Bladewing was quick to find something: a pair of tracks, Pokémon tracks that had flattened the grass underfoot. They went right up to where the blanket had been, and then turned back.

“Looks like a Pokémon made off with our egg. Bipedal, not very large by the look of the prints,” Psychic said, leaning down to examine the foot-prints which led off into a nearby bush. Bladewing nodded.

“Scai scyther-scai,” he pointed out how close the tracks were to one another.

“Yup, weirdly fast. We better catch up before it gets too far,” she said, trying to stay as calm as possible without thinking about how Ryan would react if he found out that she had lost the egg within the first hour of having it.

Bladewing took to the air and went ahead since he would be stealthier and quicker than Psychic, who would have to blunder through the area on foot and make a whole lot of noise in the process.

While she tried to remain quiet, she still managed to make a few twigs snap and bushes rustle, though was sure to keep the Scyther in her line of vision throughout so as not to get separated. Not after long the mantis stopped and landed behind a bush, and Psychic hurried to follow and see why he had stopped.

When the trainer caught sight of the scene before her on the other side of the bush, she understood the situation almost immediately. A funny green lizard-like Pokémon with a large curled tail was huddled over a nest full of green eggs with yellow and red markings on them similar to those on the Pokémon’s face. And among those eggs, was one that didn’t have any red markings on it.

“It’s a mommy Kecloen,” muttered Psychic in a whisper. “She was probably out searching for food and was attracted by the apple slices that landed in the nearby bushes or something. Then she caught sight of the egg and thought it was her own, so she carried it back to her nest. We’d have seen her if Kecleon weren’t able to turn invisible,” she explained quietly, though didn’t mention that she was surprised Bladewing hadn’t heard the creature come and go with his predator’s hearing.

“Bladewing, we need to get Ryan’s egg back. Could you explain to her that it isn’t her egg – she probably won’t trust a human.”

“Scyther, scyther-scyther scai thar,” he said somewhat darkly.

“Villageguard? Nowctowl are just as much of a predator as you, and Sight isn’t much of a negotiator – or have you forgotten how he acted as a Natu?” Psychic said fiercely, still trying to keep her voice to a whisper.

“Scyther, scai scai-thar, ther scai,” the mantis replied with a wry chuckle.

“You think so, eh? Well-” Psychic was about to continue, however a loud ripping sound interrupted her and the bush they were hiding behind was practically torn to shreds, leaves falling to the ground as the Kecleon stood, yellow claws extended as she stood in a fighter’s stance. Both companions froze, staring at the gecko wide-eyed.

“Time to shine, buddy,” Psychic muttered, barely daring to move her lips as the two faced the angry mother Pokémon.

Bladewing shot her a nasty glare from the corner of his eye before taking a careful step forward and digging his scythes into the grassy ground to show that we wasn’t going to use them. The gecko remained on her guard.

“Kecleon! Kec, leon kecleon!” she cried, holding her ground with a fierce glint of determination in her beady eyes.

“Scai-scyther, thar scyther scai,” Bladewing tried to reassure her, making his point by getting to his knees in a position that would be incredibly difficult to put up a fight from, digging his scythes deeper and flattening his wings to his back.

From there the two Pokémon had a tense conversation, the Kecleon looking as if she was about to pounce on Bladewing at any moment. Psychic thought that for a creature more fit for fighting, Bladewing wasn’t so bad at gently making his point without use of his scythes. She remained sitting on the ground while the Scyther tried to explain what had happened, legs crossed and barely making a sound so as not to seem a threat. A few times he gestured over to her and she smiled disarmingly when the mother glared at her.

At one point, the Kecleon looked taken aback by what Bladewing said. She turned back to look at her eggs in shock, and after further explanation she went over to her nest (still glancing back at the mantis suspiciously every few seconds) and bent over to examine the egg that didn’t have any red markings on it. She ran her tiny paws along it, put her ears against it and even bent down to sniff it.

And she realized that this was most certainly not her egg.

After multiple apologies and thanks from both parties, Psychic had the egg back held tightly in her arms and the two were back to traveling.
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Last edited by Psychic; 01-08-2008 at 05:27 AM.
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  #2  
Old 10-08-2007, 08:55 PM
Psychic Offline
Master Trainer
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On Serebiiforums
Posts: 445
Default Re: Scrambling After Eggs

Part Two: A Less-Than-Tranquil Stream


“Ah, here we are! Stantler Stream, home to some of the freshest water this side of Johto. The one place in the entire world where catching Stantler is punishable by being hung from a tree by your ankles. I still can’t believe that law still exists,” Psychic said nonchalantly as she and Bladewing admired the cute little stream winding through the forest. The water was pure and clear, undisturbed save by a few rocks on the ground that caused the water to flow faster and less smoothly. It was very quiet and calm, and since the two had been walking for about two hours, they were glad to be able to rest at such a nice location.

“Thar,” Bladewing murmured, sitting down to lean against a tree near the water so he could let his feet soak while resting in the shade.

“Ah, nice spot. Now, skooch over and make some room for me,” said Psychic with a grin. The mantis rolled his eyes, but she could tell that he was holding back a grin as he moved over to allow his trainer to join him.

Psychic carefully placed the Pokémon egg right between her and Bladewing so that both could easily watch over it as she sat down, taking off her socks and shoes and dipping her bare feet into the water, letting them cool off in the refreshing stream.

The two sat contently like this for awhile, letting the minutes slip away in blissful enjoyment of everything around them. A few times they saw small groups of tan deer-like Pokémon with hard black hooves and large golden antlers come to take drinks from the stream, bringing their noble heads down as they sipped. The Starntler glanced warily at the human and Scyther watching them though not seeming all that concerned, and none of them ever seemed to mind some of the water Pokémon swimming about near them.

“They’re so…content. They take what they get and are at peace with whatever comes their way,” Psychic observed, keeping her voice hushed as a father and his three fawns left – one of which seemed to have a broken leg; the limb was twisted oddly and the young Stantler didn’t put any weight on it as it walked.

“Scai, scai-scai-thar, scyther scai,” Bladewing muttered, eyes closed, a touch of bitterness in his voice.

“Indeed; no Scyther parent would keep a defective child. Nor would many Pokémon parents, or even some human ones.” Psychic smiled sadly. “We could learn a thing or two about being good parents from these creatures.”

Psychic looked fondly down at the green and yellow egg sitting between them. She was about to go on, but she froze as she realized that the egg was shaking violently.

“Wha…” she leaned down to look closer at it, squinting at the hard surface to look for any cracks – signs that the egg was hatching. However, before she could do a thorough inspection, the egg promptly smacked right into her face.

“My nose!” she grunted in surprise, hand flying to her nose as there was a sharp jolt of pain. She quickly checked her hand to look for blood in case of a nosebleed.

“Scai!” Bladewing cried, taking Psychic’s mind off her hurt nose long enough to hear a splash!

When she looked back, the egg was gone.

“Gya, it fell in the water!” the girl shouted in sudden realization and scrambled to get up, tripping over her shoes as she did so.

Bladewing gave her his ‘gee, do you really think so?’ look before getting up with much more ease and looking calmly about by the edge of the water.

Psychic rushed to shove her socks and shoes onto her feet, hopping about on foot as she tried to pull her sock onto her foot before accidentally flinging a sock into the stream. Grunting in frustration she decided she didn’t need socks anyway and quickly stuck on her running shoes and joining the Scyther.

Before she could say a word, the mantis pointed with his scythe. “Ther,” said Bladewing, showing his trainer the egg which was bobbing along the flowing water, getting pushed downstream by the current.

“Oh…crap,” she hissed as she watched the egg’s journey through the water. “Come on!” she yelled to the Scyther and began running after it along the bank.

Bladewing lifted off into the air and next to her as she ran. “Argh, I’d tell you to go get the egg from the water, but you wouldn’t be able to grab it,” Psychic grunted as she ran, looking pointedly at his scythes. “None of the other flying types would be able to either…”

“Scai, scyther scai-scyther, thar,” Bladewing pointed out, making his trainer stop.

“Don’t you think I’ve already thought of that? I really don’t think I could,” Psychic said quietly, a touch of bitterness in her voice.

“Scyther, thar-scai,” the Scyther murmured gently, making Psychic’s eyes crease in thought.

Psychic nodded slowly, turning to stare at the moving egg. She glanced at Bladewing in the corner of her eye, who gave her a small, encouraging smile. At this a small smile played across her lips and she closed her eyes, allowing her hands to dangle loosely at her sides as she began concentrating. Bladewing remained perfectly still, watching his trainer intently but keeping one eye on the egg’s journey downstream.

The teen began focusing on her cousin’s egg, fixing her mind’s eyes on the object so that she had a clear image of it, knew it, felt it, trying to make it a part of her, an extension of her being, as if her fingers were wrapped around it. Still focused intently, she tried to move the egg, however she could almost fee; the egg being pulled away, and as much as she tried Psychic was unable to keep a mental grip on the object as it was pulled along the river. Her eyes snapped open, face pale from effort as she saw the little green dot still traveling downstream.

“Scai-thar,” Bladewing told her, not requiring an explanation, then took a step forward, eyes scanning his surroundings.

“Damn it,” Psychic muttered under her breath, staring and boring eyes into her feet. Her heart was pounding, both from effort and from fear. What would she tell Ryan about his egg? Why couldn’t she have saved it – she wasn’t a weak psychic! Why did this have to be so hard for her? Oh, if only she was a little bit stronger…

A sound of rustling. Buzzing. Psychic’s head whipped to look at the place her Scyther companion had been standing, but he was gone. “Bladewing, what-” she called out, looking about for the mantis. He was flying ahead, racing to catch up with the egg traveling downstream.

“Bladewing, you’ll never be able to get to it! What are you doing?!” Psychic yelled, beginning to run after him. The sun got into her eyes for a moment, and she squinted to filter out the glaring rays, keeping only tiny slits open and only barely making out green bug up ahead, flying above the water.

Suddenly, Bladewing seemed to get a better idea, and he changed course. “Wha-“ Psychic began, halting her blind dash just as the light began to fade away. Bladewing had stopped and seemed to be speaking with somebody, though whether or not the somebody was in the river or on the land or anything at all the girl was unable to tell, as some bush was obscuring her view. She continued running towards the Scyther and saw a flash of yellow jumping into the water, causing a great big splash.

“Bladewing, what’s going on?” Psychic asked wearily as she finally caught up to him. He response, he merely pointed downstream with his scythe, a smug grin on his face. Surely, there was the egg bobbing along, and right on its tail was the yellow thing, zooming downstream as if its life depended on it. The distance between the green and yellow was shrinking until the yellow caught up, and dragged the egg ashore.

“Scai,” Bladewing said perkily, doing some kind of jig of happiness.

Psychic would have teased him, had she not been so incredibly relieved. “OhthanksMewthatwasacloseone!” she exclaimed in one breath, exhaling in a huge sigh of relief. But what had the yellow thing done with the egg?

Her question was answered as the sound of feet slapping against ground could be heard from the downstream direction. Surely enough, a short, stout creature was running towards them, covered in yellow skin with a beige beak and feet. On top of its head was a little tuff of black feathers, and its eyes were wide with pleasure as it held something behind its back.

“Duck-psyduck!” the Pokémon declared proudly when it finally came to stand in front of the duo, a huge grin on its beak. The Psyduck pulled Ryan’s egg out from behind its back and presented it as if it was the most valuable jewel – it even gave a little bow as it lifted the egg up for Psychic to take.

The teen beamed, scooping the egg up into her arms and cradling it as if it were her own child. She was just about to thank the friendly Psyduck for his kind actions when the egg began shaking in her arms once again.

“Oh, Bladewing, look, it’s so close to hatching!” she marveled with wide eyes as the egg continued wobbling, and she thought she could vaguely feel the creature inside kicking.

“This is so awesome,” Psychic said excitedly, and Bladewing huddling closer to the egg to watch it shudder and shake in his trainer’s arms, a subtly curious expression in his eyes and a grin on his mouth.

“Thar…” The Scyther had probably never seen any Pokémon, other than a Scyther hatch, making this an exciting, new event for both of them.

Slowly, the egg stopped shaking, however, and simply rested peacefully in its perch. “Oh, it stopped. That’s a shame,” Psychic mumbled, trying not to sound too disappointed. “But I guess it’s for the best – it is Ryan’s egg, after all, he should be there when it hatches and all that.”

“Scai, scyther-scai, scai-thar,” Bladewing muttered softly in agreement.

“Well, yes, but we haven’t really-”

“DUCK!”

Slowly, Psychic and Bladewing turned their heads back to see the Psyduck looking positively enraged; its arms were clenched at its sides, its brow was creased with fury and a vein was throbbing on its head. The companions stared blankly.

“Sai-duck! Duck-duck, psyduck-sai, DUCK!” the Pokémon shouted indigantly, waving its fist about in anger.

“Ohhhh,” Psychic gave an ‘I-get-it-now’ look to the Scyther. “Oh, I’m so sorry, sir, we were going to thank you, we just-“

“SAI DUCK PSYDUCK!” he bellowed, upset at having been ignored after helping the duo, and leapt at Psychic with claws drawn in preparation for a Fury Swipes.

“Sight, GO!” the teen screamed, throwing a Pokéball violently onto the ground in her defense. Immediately a bright light shot out of the sphere and standing between the Psyduck and herself was a tall, bird-like creature, covered in green feathers with numerous red, black and yellow markings all over its bipedal body.

“Xatu!” Sight cried in pain as the duck Pokémon slashed his chest repeatedly.

“Argh, sorry, Sight,” Psychic whispered as the Psyduck took a step back, panting, a furious glint in its eye.

The psychic bird turned his head to look at his trainer – well, look isn’t quite the right word, as despite his name, the Xatu was actually blind, and instead regarded Psychic with white, unseeing glazed-over eyes. “Tu,” he said quietly in understanding.

“PSAI-DUCK!” the wild Pokémon shouted, still annoyed that he was being ignored, and showed it by hopping up and down angrily.

Bladewing frowned. “Scai-thar, scyther-scai scai scai-thar, thar,” he said to Psychic expectantly. She nodded in response, then turned back to Sight.

“You’re facing a water-type, around half your size. Not young, but mad and experienced, one o’clock” Psychic’s tone quickly changed from gentle to somewhat urgent as she gave her blind companion this information. He nodded briefly, then turned back to his opponent.

Immediately, the enraged Psyduck began running at Sight, changing his angle somewhat as water began foaming into its mouth.

“Water incoming, ten o’clock - Confuse Ray, then!” Psychic said quickly.

The Xatu swiveled his body slightly left, swung out his wings and let out a “Xaaaaa!” There was a flash of purple light between the two Pokémon, with smaller yellow sparkling lights seeming to dance inside.

“Duck-duck-duck-duck-duck!” the opponent cried out in shock as the attack dazzled and confused him. The Psyduck began swaying drunkenly, blinking rapidly and randomly shot a Water Gun out of his beak, splashing Bladewing’s face.

“Thar,” he muttered darkly in annoyance. “SCAI-SCAI, scyther-scai, scyther-THAR!” he shouted at his team-mate.

Taking the mantis’ advice, Sight brought his wings up, pressing them against his forehead. A slight blue aura encircled his wings then in one swift movement he swept them down, causing the aura to vanish and temporarily surround the Psyduck.

“Future Sight? Oh dear Mew, why are you putting that thing through such misery?” Psychic groaned – she and Bladewing had suffered the effects of this attack beforehand, and knew quite well just how insane it could be.

Seemingly unaware of the attack that would follow, the Psyduck gained a moment of clear-headedness; he closed his eyes, bowing his head in concentration, then ran at Sight, head still bent, and before the Xatu could avoid the attack he was hit squarely in his wing joint by a Zen Headbutt.

“Xatu,” the bird grunted out in pain, automatically responding with a few well-aimed Peck attacks to the Psyduck’s skull.

“Psai-ai-ai!” the water Pokémon exclaimed dizzily, flailing his arms in the air. The Psyduck seemed about to retaliate, but then a look of stupid tranquility came over his face and he instead walked up to the nearest tree and began beating his head against it.

“Ah, the confusion status, whatever would we do without it?” Psychic joked lightly. But Bladewing and Sight turned to stare at her. There was an awkward moment of silence when the only sound was the rushing water of the stream and the rustling branches of the tree the Psyduck was smacking.

“Scai, scyther-scyther-thar, scai,” Bladewing quickly said, seeing that his trainer was too busy being weird to battle.

Sight shrugged, seeming not to mind that his team-mate was giving orders and not his trainer, and brought his wings out to his sides. He then crossed them by his chest and thrust them forwards, sending purple tendrils shooting through the air, twisting and spiraling at the unsuspecting duck.

However he didn’t remain unsuspecting for long – the Psyduck suddenly snapped out of his confusion, easily sidestepping the Night Shade and once again began gathering water in its beak.

“ME FIRST!” Psychic shouted quickly. Sight began making motions with his wings as rapid speed and seemingly out of nowhere, he shot a huge rush of water at the Psyduck, who released a similar Hydro Pump at Sight a moment before he got hit by the bird’s water attack.

The Xatu plunged into unconsciousness.

The Psyduck was plunged into the rushing river.

The wild Pokémon’s eyes glowed blue and it cried out in shock and pain. Future Sight had taken effect.

Psychic didn’t want to think about Future Sight. When she and Bladewing had been hit by it, they had seen of times and places from the past and future. A million images, sounds, smells, feels, all flashed in their mind’s eye simultaneously, too quickly to understand. It was jarring.

The Psyduck didn’t need to endure this. He had done nothing wrong.

Hoping that the Autoaim fuction would still work in water, Psychic unhooked a Pokéball from her belt and threw it at the Psyduck as the current pushed him downstream…





Part One and Two ready to grade. The rest is currently being written.
Please note that Part One will go towards my main capture.
Only Part Two is for Psyduck.

Pokémon Trying For: Psyduck
Difficulty Level: Medium
Length of Part Two: 15,000 (with spaces)

Length (parts One and Two): 30,000 (with spaces)
Pages (parts One and Two): eleven

Also, please don't hesitate to make the grade long: I prefer longer reviews that actually help me and tell me what I can do to improve. ^^
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Last edited by Psychic; 10-08-2007 at 09:24 PM.
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  #3  
Old 10-13-2007, 04:02 AM
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EmBreon Offline
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Default Re: Scrambling After Eggs

Well, a little later than I expected, but here you are.

Story/Plot: Psychic and Bladewing agree to watch over her cousin’s egg and run into some rather unfortunate and plain unlucky situations. The plot itself isn’t extremely original, but something about the way you’ve written this makes it interesting. You added your own twists, and made them appealing so I never found myself bored with the story. I think most of what made me appreciate this so much was the fact that you gave your characters such personality and bond with each other; something every writer should try to achieve.

The story begins with the pair walking along a road in attempt to reach Ecruteak City. I like how you brought them into the story; explaining each of them in turn as they came into view. Honestly, the main thing I could see happening with this is that you add more of their background in the introduction. Having graded part of your first story, I think it would give your characters more justice to have some kind of recap on their past adventures; or simply the more important aspects of them. The two have an incredible bond with each other, and it’s rare to see someone able to bring that out in writing. That could easily be my favorite part of your stories; just the relationship between Psychic and her Scyther. So in future stories, I would try and flashback or something along those lines in case you get a different grader, because they would be missing out if they couldn’t grasp the connection between the two.

Setting wise, it was a little hard for me to get into the story at first. I couldn’t really picture anything apart from Psychic and Bladewing. I definitely think you need to bring in more of your surroundings. You know how to blend details into your writing without making it look forced, some I’m sure you could find a way to spice up you intro. The first few paragraphs are probably the most important in stories. They draw (or repel) your reader, and if you start off your story with a boring intro, it’s going to be much harder to get the reader interested again, as they’ve lost focus. This is just something for you to think about.

There were also a few areas where I felt could have used more explanation. For example, the Teleport issue. Why was it “unsafe” to leave Pokémon outside of their Poké Balls? Their anatomy is somewhat similar to humans, isn’t it? I was also wondering about Psychic herself. You have subtle mentioning that she has psychic abilities, and simply the fact that she can understand and communicate with her Scyther is somewhat extraordinary. But how did this all happen? Was she born this way, or is it something she discovered as she grew older? I’d love to know her background as well. I think you could achieve this by writing in some flashbacks. It would be much easier to relate to and understand her the more we know about her life. Perhaps this will be brought back in later chapters, but it was bothering me for some reason. It is clear to me that you are going to remain consistent with using Psychic as your main character, so the more we know about her, the better. It’s perfectly fine to have mystery and bring up questions in writing, especially in a continuous series like this on, just remember to wrap them up by the time it ends if you want your reader to comprehend as many things as possible.

I’m not trying to sound rough or arrogant because I am not a perfect writer either. I just figured you’d want as much feedback on your writing as possible, because I know how annoying it can be to put so much effort into a story just for someone to say “Good job” and give you no advice on how to improve it. Now considering the Pokémon you are going for, and the quality of this story, you have nothing to worry about. I’m sure you understand that the complexity of a plot will need to increase once the difficulty changes to a higher level.

Grammar/Spelling: You’re very experienced here, obviously. I could tell most things were typos, like the misspelling of a word, or a forgotten capitalization. A few comma misplacements caught my eye among other things, so I’ll try and point out whatever I can. If they are things you already know, then I apologize in advance.
Quote:
“Oh, hi Ryan, how are you doing?” the girl, Psychic asked, smiling.
The comma doesn’t make sense there. You basically want to use it to separate ideas, or to list a multiple of things. ‘Girl’ is the same as ‘Psychic’ in this situation. You’re using it to describe her, so you wouldn’t need a comma.

Quote:
“Well, I kinda need you to egg-sit for a few days,” he said, avoiding looking directly at Psychic as he fumbled with something off-screen.
When you have two verbs next to each other like this, the second verb needs to be left in the infinitive form. So, for this it should be “avoiding to look”. It sounds a bit awkward here, but it’s proper. You can’t have two conjugated verbs in a row in general. Suppose we wanted to say: “Hurry up!” he said, wanting going to the toy store as soon as possible. It’s much more obvious here in this situation that the second verb needs to be “to go” instead. Just a little tip to keep in mind.
Quote:
Not long after the call the cousins met up at the nearby Pokémon Center, the building’s air conditioning system providing a relief after having spent so long under the sun’s rays.
Adverbial clauses need to be followed by a comma. The second half of this sentence should also be separated by a semicolon instead of a comma, as it has potential to be two separate sentences.

Not long after the call, the cousins met up at the nearby Pokémon Center; the building’s air conditioning system providing a relief after having spent so long under the sun’s rays.

Quote:
Currently they were off the main path of Route 37, surrounded by towering trees and lush greenery all around.
Another place that needs a comma. The best way to explain this is that you are stating time, and then stating where, so the two ideas need to be separated by a comma. I’m almost positive you know about it in this case, but I thought I’d point it out anyways because I noticed the same problem after words like "However", which also call for a comma.

Currently, they were off the main path of Route 37, surrounded by towering trees and lush greenery all around.


Quote:
She reached into her shoulder bag and pulled out a small red picnic blanket, fanning it out to lie it flat on the ground.
This is a pretty common misconception. In this situation, you’d want to use “lay”. The difference between the two is that “lay” refers to “place” or “set” something down, while “lie” is more along the lines of “to recline”, e.g. Lie in bed.

Quote:
…Could you explain to her that it isn’t her egg – she probably won’t trust a human.”
Since you’re asking a question, you’ll need to incorporate a question mark in there. You really don’t need the pause dash, since you achieve that by starting a new sentence.

…Could you explain to her that it isn’t her egg? She probably won’t trust a human.”


Anyways, I’m going to stop there. A lot of mistakes were repetitive so I don’t really need to cover them twice, and this is getting longer than necessary anyways. I normally don’t go too much into grammar unless I think the writer can handle it/understand it, so please take it as a compliment not that I am tearing apart your story. ^^;

Detail/Description: I think you have this covered pretty well in everything but the surroundings. I felt completely connected to your characters (as I mentioned before), and you made them relatable with interesting personalities. However, it’s also important to bring other qualities in. There were places where you do and awesome job setting the scene, like the part with Stantler, and there were others that I couldn’t really picture anything. The part with Kecleon probably was the hardest to see. You should try and focus your attention elsewhere, and really bring the reader into your mind. If you can get the entire scene across crystal clear, as well as allowing your characters to shine, then I will be very envious of you. :P

Length: Well, considering there is over twice the necessary amount of characters here, I think it’s save to say you have nothing to worry about in this section.

Battle: I really enjoyed this, actually. I thought it was fascinating how you brought in Xatu, who was blind, and had to describe the situation to him. It was really unique, and the attacks were thought out nicely. I was also impressed with how you managed to keep it two-sided when Xatu was clearly the better trained of the two.

I could see Psyduck using a bigger variety of attacks though. While Hydro Pump and Zen Headbutt would probably be the most effective, it would have been amusing to see the duck’s psychic abilities brought out some in the battle, especially considering the fact that he took several blows to the head through the duration of it.

For a Medium level Pokémon, this battle was perfect. So judging wise, you did excellent. I just know your capabilities as a writer so I think it’s in your best interest to bring out as many positive aspects as possible.

Outcome: This story is absolutely perfect for the duck. Everything came together nicely, and you kept it interesting. The grade is lengthy because I knew you would appreciate feedback, and it doesn’t mean you did a bad job whatsoever. Psyduck captured! Have fun with the ducky. This story makes me want to do something with mine, as it is just sitting sadly in my stats. ;P

EDIT: I just realized that you want to use the 15k in part one to add to a completely different capture. It wouldn't really work to do that because the story itself isn't about the new capture attempt, it in fact leads up to the encounter with Psyduck. I'm thinking you're going to have to start fresh with the next part and start over with the character count, however, I'll make my final judgments once I've read it.
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Last edited by EmBreon; 10-13-2007 at 02:56 PM.
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Old 12-21-2007, 04:29 AM
Psychic Offline
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Default Re: Scrambling After Eggs

I’ve been wanting to reply to this for awhile, but I kept putting it off. Still, I felt like a reply is well-deserved after such an in-depth, awesome grade, so I’ll be replying to each individual section. ^^

Again, just to be perfectly clear; I asked for a long grade so I’d have a better idea of what I did well and what can be better. I’m incredibly glad you took so much time to work on this grade! =D


Story/Plot: Heh, I didn’t really think this sort of thing had been done before, but hey, I’m happy with the “adding your own twists” and “making them appealing.” I also don’t want to clog up the story with background; unless the same person is reading all of my stories and are really following Psychic and Bladewing, I don’t think it very necessary for a whole lot to be told about the pair, especially for people only reading one of their adventures; you want to know about what’s happening here and now, not what they did before. It doesn’t really play a huge part anyway, because nothing that they did before has much effect on what’s going on now, but that could just be my opinion. :P

I’m glad I got down the relationship between Psychic and Bladewing, but I don’t really think of it as being really special or anything; I like to imagine that any human and Pokemon that have been working together long enough would be close like that, but I’m glad that it at least shows. The same goes for why she can understand the Scyther; if you work with someone for a long period of time, to you to know and understand them, even if it’s an animal. You know that when your dog lies on its back it wants it tummy rubbed, and after awhile it will understand “sit” or “stay,” and since Pokemon are so intelligent, they learn faster than most animals and probably understand their trainers pretty well – that’s how it is with Ash and Pikachu. This probably isn’t always the case and always to this degree, but…meh. Anyhow, I am disappointed to see that my background description isn’t so good; I’ve been told this before, actually. I’ve never been very good at it, but I think it also has to do that characters are more important to me than anything else; I’ll keep that in mind, though. ^^

The Teleport thing…well, it’s not very important, so I decided to just skip over the details. On psychic’s powers…well, that will just have to remain a mystery until I can subtly slip it in at a later point in time. ^^;


Grammar/Spelling: Commas kill me at times. XD

Quote:
Quote:
“Oh, hi Ryan, how are you doing?” the girl, Psychic asked, smiling.
The comma doesn’t make sense there. You basically want to use it to separate ideas, or to list a multiple of things. ‘Girl’ is the same as ‘Psychic’ in this situation. You’re using it to describe her, so you wouldn’t need a comma.
I actually meant to have another comma (between "Psychic" and "asked." This is because the goal was to explain that the girl's name IS Psychic. It's like saying "the girl, whose name was Psychic, asked." Guess it was just crappy grammar/wording on my part. ^^;


Quote:
Quote:
“Well, I kinda need you to egg-sit for a few days,” he said, avoiding looking directly at Psychic as he fumbled with something off-screen.
When you have two verbs next to each other like this, the second verb needs to be left in the infinitive form. So, for this it should be “avoiding to look”. It sounds a bit awkward here, but it’s proper. You can’t have two conjugated verbs in a row in general. Suppose we wanted to say: “Hurry up!” he said, wanting going to the toy store as soon as possible. It’s much more obvious here in this situation that the second verb needs to be “to go” instead. Just a little tip to keep in mind.
Makes sense, but it sounds SO weird. XD


Quote:
Adverbial clauses need to be followed by a comma. The second half of this sentence should also be separated by a semicolon instead of a comma, as it has potential to be two separate sentences.

Not long after the call, the cousins met up at the nearby Pokémon Center; the building’s air conditioning system providing a relief after having spent so long under the sun’s rays.


Another place that needs a comma. The best way to explain this is that you are stating time, and then stating where, so the two ideas need to be separated by a comma. I’m almost positive you know about it in this case, but I thought I’d point it out anyways because I noticed the same problem after words like "However", which also call for a comma.

Currently, they were off the main path of Route 37, surrounded by towering trees and lush greenery all around.
"Commas sometimes kill me." ^^;


Quote:
Quote:
She reached into her shoulder bag and pulled out a small red picnic blanket, fanning it out to lie it flat on the ground.
This is a pretty common misconception. In this situation, you’d want to use “lay”. The difference between the two is that “lay” refers to “place” or “set” something down, while “lie” is more along the lines of “to recline”, e.g. Lie in bed.
o.O That's pretty strange, but okay, I guess. XP


Quote:
Since you’re asking a question, you’ll need to incorporate a question mark in there. You really don’t need the pause dash, since you achieve that by starting a new sentence.

…Could you explain to her that it isn’t her egg? She probably won’t trust a human.”
Well I understand that and all, but I meant for it to sort of be like one thought flowing into another, if that makes any sense. I just meant for it to be one sentence.


Detail/Description: Noted, though I’m not exactly sure how I can fix what you mentioned. I’ll see what I can do, I suppose. ^^


Length: Meh, I go for the length I need to tell a story, though like I said, I want to use Part One for my other capture. :P


Battle: Looking back, I think I might actually need to work more on keeping Sight blind. XD

I always thought that the whole Psyduck + Headache = Verypowerfulduck was something that only Misty’s Psyduck from the anime did…meh. And unfortunately, the yellow duckie doesn’t have a biggest movepool. @_@


Outcome: Yay! (The captured Psyduck is now a Golduck XD)

On the Edit: I think that when you see the capture I want it to count for you won’t have too much of a problem. ^^;




Anyhow, this story will hopefully be for the Winter Competition. I think I'm just going to skip Part Three for now and just skip to Part Four, or else I'll never finish this.

Thanks again for the awesome grade! ^^

~Psychic
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Last edited by Psychic; 12-21-2007 at 04:35 AM.
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