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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 11-04-2007, 04:50 AM
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Default Two for the Show

  • Well, as you can see this is a paired story. And if I'm not mistaken, we are the first to attempt a capture with this system, so I'm interested to see how this gets graded.
  • The battle sequence is a bit different, as the circumstance does not exactly categorize our capture attempt as "wild" Pokemon. Though, it shouldn't be a problem. :P
  • Keep in mind that we are from two different continents; there are Australian and American spellings in this story. E.g. Color + Colour, Realize + Realise, etc.
  • Capture attempt: Two Remoraid
  • Character count ~ 46,000

PE2K Cast:
Mario - Mario
Fiona - Lucavi
Emma - Me :o
Ben - The other guy


“Are we there yet?!” the little toddler piped up from the back car seat of the minivan. His hands gripped the seat as if preparing to go over the first hill on a rollercoaster. The sucker he had stopped paying attention to lied sticking to his shorts, with a decent amount of dirt and hair on it from the several occasions where it had been unfortunately dropped on the floor. He peered out through the front window, eyes wide open like a goldfish, and then looked to the driver behind the steering wheel.

“No. Now sit tight, I’ll tell you when we’re there. No more asking.” She sighed slowly, and turned the right blinker on, easing over through traffic to the exit.

The child swayed with the motion of the car, as if it were the most exciting ride, and started clapping his hands together with excitement. When the car slowed to a stop at the end of the off-ramp, he began bobbing up and down in his chair like a hungry seagull.

The two hour drive it had taken to reach this point in the trip seemed like ages to the young boy. The more time that had passed, the more anticipation that grew. He had waited weeks for this day. He had been patient and good, and today was the day it would all pay off.

“Are we there yet?!”


Lilycove city was not the place to live in if you desired a calm and peaceful town. There was always something happening, always a new event to attend. It was eight o'clock in the morning and already the town thrived with activity as if it were mid-afternoon. A salty breeze swirled through the city, bringing with it the smell of the ocean and an occasional mist. All of the shops and houses tended to leave their doors wide open, as the atmosphere was too pleasant to avoid.

The white minivan coasted through the center of town, and the tinted windows failed to reveal the little boy in the back seat with his face pressed against the glass. He had never been here before. He had always been too young to go on trips far from home. But today was the day. It was the four year old’s first outing and he would prove to his mother that he could handle it.

“THERE IT IS!” the child shouted, causing his mother to jump in her seat. He started flailing in his car seat and waving frantically in the air as soon as the large building they had been traveling to came into view.

The vehicle rounded the corner, and pulled into the front parking lot with a crunch of gravel. A familiar shift of the transmission, and the car was in park. The driver took her time retrieving her purse and reaching back to unbuckle the boy’s seatbelt, and then pulled him from his car seat and out into the air.
Softly, she set him down to the ground, and the little boy wasted no time to take advantage of his newfound freedom and sprinted towards building.

“Charlie! Hold on one second!” his mother protested, as she walked swiftly after him.
An enormous museum with glass for walls stood right on the edge of the city. The sun reflected off the smooth surface so Charlie could see himself as he approached it. There was a large concrete archway hovering over the entrance with the words “Lilycove Aquarium” carved into it. In addition were carvings of Carvanha, Wailmer, Clamperl and other various aquatic creatures all lining the stone arch.

Charlie's mother caught up to him as they passed beneath it, taking him by the hand and attempting to catch her breath.

“Tickets please?” a kind woman said once they reached the main entrance.
“Oh one second,” came the mother’s voice as she ruffled through her purse. “I have them right….ah, here they are.” She handed the two small clips of paper over triumphantly.

“Thank you very much, enjoy your visit.” The ticket lady gave a fake smile and gestured them inside.

Charlie then dragged his mother through the spinning door entrance, and into the building.

He couldn’t believe his eyes once he first caught sight of the giant fish tanks stretching all the way up to the ceiling. The design made him feel as if he were actually at the bottom of the ocean. Light was streaming lightly out of the enormous tanks, causing them to have a glow in the dark effect.

“Out of my way!” puffed a fat, bald man as he used his stomach more like a bumper to push his way through the crown. “There are toilets to unclog!” He held up his plunger and started waving it in the air as an old woman would with her cane.

"My, what a horrible man," said one lady, pulling her daughter closer.

It seemed as though he were gaining weight the closer he got to Charlie; two chins turned into three, and the pants beneath his overhanging stomach grew tighter and tighter. Charlie imagined himself using them as a parachute in retrospect to their massive size.

“What are you looking at, boy?!” He arched a thick, ugly eyebrow and stared expectantly at the child. “What? No speak-o Englesh-o?”

Charlie stared wide-eyed up at the plumber, as there was a lot to see, and caught a glimpse of a tiny white name tag hanging from his chest, with the lettering: Head of Sanitation- Mario. The hairless giant waddled away grumpily, mumbling to himself. As he turned the corner, the little boy could have sworn that he saw the edge of a hamburger wrapper hanging out of his back pocket.

“WOW!” shouted Charlie, just noticing the creatures in the glass fortress. “That’s a Sharpedo!” He bolted towards the tank, but only making it halfway there as a shoe lace came undone causing him to trip over his feet and fall to the ground. The momentum sent him sliding like a seal over the polished marble floor before slowing to a stop.

“Oh, be careful dear.” A blonde woman had appeared, and lifted him up off the ground.

“Don’t you know that the gravitational pull of the earth’s orbit attracts matter to it with effects not unlike a giant magnetic device? It is just like Newton’s First Law of motion, which clearly states that every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it.”

“Um?” the child had no idea what to say in response to the woman’s speech. He was too busy looking at the shark-like creature stalking back and forth behind the protective glass.

“Are you here with no one else?” she asked kindly, looking around for someone to confirm her suspicion.

Not turning his head away from the giant fish, the boy pointed towards the information booth where his Mother stood reading a pamphlet entitled "Splashin' Around - Our new Magikarp exhibit. Opening Soon."
“Oh, I see. Well follow me then, the tour will begin shortly.” She didn’t wait for his approval, but simply grasped his hand and dragged him away from the enticing fish tank, and over to his mother.

A few people gathered around in moments, as the blond woman started speaking. “Hello, my name is Fiona, and I will be your tour guide on this fine day. Together we will explore the many possibilities and species of several different Pokémon types beneath the surface of the sea. Scientists believe that there are several unknown factors involving pressure and adaptability the more leagues one travels into the ocean. As a normal human anatomy could not survive such pressure, there could be Pokémon that have survived and have become immune to this occurrence, allowing them to reside within depths that man cannot reach. On our journey, we will view the interesting aspects of our aquatic friends, and admire them in a habitat similar to their original; we will also be viewing possible animations for creatures that may exist without our knowing. So without further adieu, let us begin, shall we?”

The small group of people was caught off guard at the abrupt movement of the speaking woman. Most had daydreamed off to admire the fine craftsmanship of the aquarium, while one or two seemed to doze off slightly in the duration of the woman’s speech. But in a few moments they all gathered themselves, catching up to her as she sped down the corridor; Charlie's mother took his hand once again and followed them.

Last edited by EmBreon; 11-04-2007 at 08:33 AM.
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Old 11-04-2007, 04:51 AM
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Default Re: Two for the Show

The group walked quietly as Fiona the tour guide led them along a dimly lit corridor lined with a long tank containing several Staryu. Charlie gazed at them as they twirled around the bottom of the tank; the glow of the light above illuminated a red gem in the center of their bodies. The rest of the tank was filled with all sorts of strange shaped rocks, long flowing seaweeds and a sandy sea bed.

“Ah, you’ll notice that these Staryu are unusually smaller than a wild Staryu that you may find when exploring sea caverns or the ocean floor. This is simply because they are confined to tanks instead of living in endless ocean. These particular Staryu will live approximately twenty five years longer than your average wild Staryu. The man-made tanks in this exhibit contain an average of five hundred gallons of water, which are emptied and cleaned weekly. A study has shown that the Lilycove Aquarium goes through an average of two hundred and sixty thousand gallons of water each year. Fortunately, all of our Pokémon require salt water, therefore sparing the earth’s freshwater supply,” Fiona’s speech lasted the length of the room, and Charlie wondered how one person could say so much about the most boring subject.

Charlie’s mother pulled on his shirt, telling him to keep up with the group. Fiona opened a door to reveal the outer area of the aquarium. His eye's still adjusting to the light, Charlie could make out 3 large pools with grandstands periodically placed across a concrete plain. Many outdoor exhibits were also made visible as the group was lead across a wide path. Charlie could see everything; an open topped tank containing playful otter Pokémon, Buizel; A small pool which allowed visitors to swim with the sea Pokémon and a large walrus Pokémon, Walrein, sunbathing on a rock. Charlie was strongly reminded of the plumber he had seen earlier and tried to imagine the Walrein stuffed in a sweaty white t-shirt and large, but tight, pants.

Charlie heard a loud cheer from behind a brightly coloured wall. A sign next to an open doorway read "Now: The exciting world of Squirtle - An Interactive show brought to you by Lilycove Aquarium" in striking blue font. It had a picture of four blue, turtle Pokémon; Squirtle standing on top of each other in a bizarre Pokémon totem pole. Another sign next to it read "Coming Up Next: Bullseye! - A new show starring two of our most talented Pokémon. A Must See!" This sign was decorated with images of red and white targets and two fish Pokémon; one, a sleek silver while the other, a light shade of purple. He didn't stay long, as he was again pulled by his mother towards the group.

"Now, If you'll all look over here, everybody!" Fiona said, indicating a large rocky exhibit with a small pool. Many of the tourists rushed towards the hand rail to get a better look. "We'll see a colony of Krabby..."

The Krabby were scuttling slowly around the rocks, every now and then pausing to pick up something with their pincers, trying to nibble on it, before putting it back realising it was a pebble. They didn't seem very bright.

“Unfortunately,” Fiona began, yet again, “The Krab species has suffered the most in retrospect to the others. Due to the fact that they inhabit coastlines and water-based caverns, they tend to receive the majority of damage from pollution as opposed to other aquatic life. The raising tides and changing temperatures in effect of global warming has forced these creatures to evolve from the forms they once had in earlier ages of life. In 1912, a Scientist by the name of Edward Moshcavez discovered that what the Krabby made up for in defense mechanisms, they lost in wit, thus causing them to be one of the most unintelligent species.”

Bored, Charlie found himself staring back at the colourful wall which housed such exciting sounds while his mother took snapshots with her camera.

"Now this is fun isn't it, Charlie?" She said without looking at him. Her eye glued to the back panel of the camera. She seemed a bit over excited by the slow moving crabs.

He looked to the tour guide, then back at the wall; many thoughts racing through his mind. Quietly, he ducked out from behind his mother and ran towards the cheers, dodging the crowds of people as they moved from one exhibit to another. Once through the door, Charlie instantly heard the sound of a catchy show tune. Looking around, he found himself in a mini stadium. The seats circled around an oval pool in the center. On a small platform in the middle of the pool stood a man and a woman in full length wetsuits, conducting four Squirtle in the water.

"Well, ladies and gentlemen... we're almost finished!" said the man excitedly into his microphone.

"Please everyone, give these talented performers a round of applause as they leave the pool!" said the woman. She started to clap and the audience joined in as the four Squirtle dived into the water magnificently, swimming towards a canal which led out of the show tank.

"We hope you've had a great show! My name's Ben!"

"And I'm Emma!"

"Thanks for watching!" they both said together, holding their arms in the air and with wide grins on their faces. The audience broke into a loud applause as the two conductors swam from the platform through the same canal the Squirtle used previously. The cheers died down as audience members left the arena.


"Hey, great show guys! Possibly your best yet! No wonder you two are so popular!" exclaimed a man as he helped Emma up the step ladder and out of the water. He handed both of them a towel to dry off.

The pair of them were a bit taller than average, towering over the short and chubby man who stood by them. While Ben had shaggy, auburn hair with deep brown eyes, Emma’s hair was waist length, and light brunette. Her eyes were uncommonly green, though you wouldn’t notice unless you looked closely, which she gave few people the opportunity. Other than their gender differences, the other thing that separated the two was that Ben had dark and well-tanned skin and Emma’s was significantly paler. Their height and thinness alone set them apart from any normal person. Emma blamed the aerobic workouts they got from swimming so much, while Ben blamed his genes.

They were backstage in a room filled with other performers rushing to get all their props and Pokémon ready for their show. The man wore a dark blue suit and tie on which a gold badge engraved with the word Manager.

"How would you know? You didn't even watch," said Ben sarcastically as he dried off his arms.

"I was there in spirit," he quickly replied with a jokingly stern look on his face. "Now go rest up before your next show. It's a big one!" He strode out of the back door which led towards the ticket booths.

"I'm starving! Where's lunch?" groaned Emma as she threw the towel down. She pulled a jacket over the top of her now dry, wet suit. Ben did the same, as Emma made her way towards a door at the opposite end of the room, which was now calming down as the new show started; The Interesting Life of a Goldeen.

The two performers made their way into the public part of the aquarium, on their way towards the staff lounge. They were walking along one of the familiar corridors, taking in the sights and sounds of over-excited kids, playful Pokémon and exhausted parents. The staff room door was just up ahead.

“Oh my Gosh! OH! IT’S BEN!” someone screamed from behind. A fair haired girl sprinted towards him. In one smooth motion, she scooped a book and pen from her bag and dived into his arms. “I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S YOU!”

“Well… this is where I work,” said Ben “There’s a good chance you’ll see me.”

“GIVE ME YOUR AUTOGRAPH!” screamed the girl, a look of hunger in her eyes. Emma stared at the girl with a pathetic look on her face. She turned on her heel and walked towards the staff door once again.

Ben signed the girl’s book and she ran off again, screaming all the way down the hall like a maniac.

“Jealous much?” said Ben with a smug look on his face. “I don’t see you getting mobbed by some guy.” He started to laugh as he turned around. Ben’s laughter stopped abruptly at the sight of five wide-eyed men each holding a small notepad towards Emma.

“Ok, ok, one at a time boys!” she laughed, loud enough for Ben to hear. She finished signing their paper and waved them goodbye and re-joined Ben at the door of the Staff Lounge. “What was that about being mobbed?”


“Ugh… could this place get any more depressing?” said Emma as she pulled up a battered wicker chair to the plastic table. The staff room was large, with few pieces of furniture. All the light had to be provided by dangling globes as there were no windows. A short green fridge stood next to a kitchen bench and sink, behind which the walls were coffee stained. The toilet door next to it was open a crack, inside Mario could be heard yelling to himself as he scrubbed the bowl.

“Oh… who was in here last? They really filled up the place didn’t they?!”

“Hey guys, I… I saw your last show,” said a thin teenager from the table opposite. His hands were trembling, as they always did. His face was pale, especially when contrasted with his curly, bright red hair.

“Thanks Jasper,” said Ben as he pulled two plastic cases containing sandwiches from the base of a vending machine and walked back to Emma.

“Whoo! That’s ripe! I wouldn’t want to shake this guys hand after this lot!”

“Poor guy, scared of everything,” said Emma. Her face screwed up in disgust as she opened her sandwich. “I saw him yesterday; he was scared to feed the Luvdisc…”

“I’d be scared all the time too if I had to sit in here listening to Mario all day” said Ben, feeling more sick than hungry now. “I’ve lost my appetite… let’s go.”

“Agreed,” said Emma quickly and they hurried out of the room, leaving Jasper trembling alone with Mario.


“Come one, come all! Travel through the depths of the ocean, watch amazing special featured shows, take a break in our aquatic petting zoo; all for the tiny price of fifteen ninety-nine!” The man in front of Lilycove Aquarium danced around oddly, which was probably more difficult to achieve than it normally would have, as he was wearing a large Wailord suit with little room to move his legs thanks to the tightness of the tail. He held a sign in the air, which read: Find out what everyone is clamming about- Lilycove Aquarium.

It wasn’t an unusual sight to see a costumed person standing outside of the building on Saturdays, though it seemed every week the poor employee was forced to wear an even more absurd outfit than the last. However, the man shuddered in the memory of the day he was assigned a shiny Barboach costume, and the coloring along with the shape resembled more of an embarrassing body part than a Pokémon.

He walked around chanting clever phrases, hoping to draw tourists into the entertainment trap, but it seemed today would be a slow one, as not many people ventured through the city’s streets thus far. The promo-guy sighed slightly as a group of young teenagers approached him, he wasn’t quite in the mood to be teased today.

“Haha, that sucks,” came the comforting and motivational comment of the first boy, his jet black hair long and shaggy in his eyes. “I’d rather join the ballet than be caught in such a ridiculous costume.”

Wally the Wailord arched an eyebrow at the kid, however, no one could notice this as his face remained hidden behind the black screen of the whale’s mouth. He stared silently for a moment, before replying, “I’d rather be stuck in this ridiculous costume than be forced to walk around wearing that hideous mask.”

“OOHHHH! BURN!” another boy within the group of kids behind the first burst out, as a few of the others began giggling or covered their mouths. Their ‘leader’ simply furrowed his eyebrows in anger and led the group of laughing teens away.

“I hope you have a whale of a day!” Wally shouted after them. “My, I definitely don’t get paid enough for this…”
Unown - Level 100: 4598
|| VPP - URPG ||

Last edited by Shady; 11-04-2007 at 04:55 AM.
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Old 11-04-2007, 04:53 AM
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Default Re: Two for the Show

“So Em, I was thinking,” Ben’s almost too cheerful voice chimed backstage of the aquatic arena.

It was quiet, apart from the annoying zipping noises that came from Emma as she played with her wetsuit zipper. Like every show, they were performing their own unique preparations. Emma stood calmly, taking deep breathes in and out as her hands twirled up and down; corresponding with each breath. While Ben was seated crossed legged on the ground, hands folded together in front him as if in prayer; the only difference being that he was humming as opposed to speaking.

“Oh boy…” Emma teased, rolling her eyes.

“We should up our routine a notch. You know, really give the audience something to go about.”

“Eh…” came Emma’s skeptical response, “There’s not much we can do with the fish, unless you wanted to fillet them at the end and show everyone how to make a fish sandwich? Haha…”

Ben ignored her, “I mean the targets. Let’s make them tougher. BB has lost of potential with her aiming ability, and Paintball kills with speed. We should create a new performance that can really show off what they can do. You know, big red targets get old after a while.”

It was ten minutes until show time, and the pair went over their usual routine on a written outline they kept posted on the wall. There wasn’t much to see backstage apart from various props for different acts, a few message boards and a large pool that was only half visible, as the rest of it resided behind the wall that hid them from the crowd.

“I suppose it could work. Don’t you think we ought to practice it first? I mean, we don’t want to look like idiots, though, it may be too late for you…” Emma smirked and jokingly gave her comrade a slight push in the shoulder.

“I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth,” Ben replied sarcastically. The look of on his partners face gave him an odd, but nice sense of satisfaction. “Besides, I think they’ll do just fine. They have us! How can they do anything but a marvelous job when they have us as trainers?” Ben stuck his fists into sides and puffed out his chest in an attempt to resemble some kind of super hero, though the look achieved that of a bloated penguin instead.

“True enough,” Emma agreed. “Shall we?” She motioned toward the water passageway.

“Righto,” came Ben’s reply, and simultaneously they dove into the surface to make the trip to the other side of the arena.


“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,” a booming voice echoed from several speakers behind the stands. The noise was abrupt, causing a few of the casual talkers to jump in their seats. “NOW IS THE MOMENT YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. PLEASE STAY IN YOUR SEATS, AND ENJOY THE SHOW: BULLSEYE!” the unnecessarily loud introduction ended, followed swiftly by dimming lights.

The arena was almost completely black, but the darkness was broken by a single spotlight aimed directly at the end of the pool. The audience awaited quietly, as two blurred figures emerged from what appeared to be the wall. The images didn’t break the surface of the water until they completely reached the other side. Each gracefully used the edge of the pool to hoist themselves onto it, and retrieving the two headsets hanging on the wall.

“G’day mates! I’m Ben, and this is-”

“His amazing and talented show-partner, Emma,” the female of the pair cut him off, smiling and winking at the audience.

There were a few brief giggles before Ben began speaking again, “We have a great show in store for you all today, so we hope you enjoy it! Come on out, Paintball!” And in one swift movement, Ben retrieved a Poké Ball from a hidden wetsuit pocket and tossed it into the air.

The red translucent light seemed much more vivid in the dimness of the stage; a blinding flash erupted from the orb as the beam traveled to a forming figure in the water. In a moment, a silvery fish appeared, lolling around carelessly and enjoying the water. The wide, bubble-like eyes blinked slowly amidst the water, and the two separate tails that served the purpose as fins waved smoothly into it. The fish seemed to be relishing in the cool liquid, as he had to remain without it inside of his lonesome Poké Ball.

The silver, and slightly blue, Pokémon seemed to consist of two lumps, a small one for its head, and another for everything else. There were two decently sized bluish stripes covering the most of its rear, and another pair of tiny fins wiggled on each side of its face.

“Ah, right. You too, BB!” and with that, Emma reached into a similar pocket of her wetsuit to reach her own Poké Ball, and hurled it directly above her head, where it hovered before shooting out an identical beam of light with a snap.

There was not much difference between the new Pokémon that materialized in the water and the silvery fish that was there first. It was the same size and shape, had two identical tail fins and drunken eyes, however, instead of being a silvery grey, the Remoraid was a charming shade of lavender.

The audience seemed to gasp as a whole as they caught sight of the new addition to the scene. A chain of whispers echoed through stands.

“It’s purple!”

“Look at that Remoraid!”

“Have you ever seen anything like it?”

“It’s a shiny!”

All of which were in hushed tones a barely eligible to hear. Emma stared proudly down at her companion, who didn’t return any look of friendship. It seemed to love the amount of attention she received more than the affection of her trainer.

As the cheers and applause from the surrounding crowd died down, the two performers and their Pokémon got into position. Both Paintball and BB swam swiftly through the water, creating ripples on the surfaces in perfect symmetry. This alone was enough to get most of the crowd excited.

“I now present our opening stunt!” yelled Emma through her microphone.

“Paintball and BB will be challenged in both speed and accuracy in this first challenge we like to call…”

“On the Dot!” both Emma and Ben exclaimed. At the sound of these words, both Remoraid jumped from their circular motion swimming and landed side by side in the water, facing Ben and Emma.

“Let me explain how this works,” started Ben as the crowds cheers started to die down once again. “Emma and I will throw these here discs-” He pulled a thin red disc from a bag.

“And our Remoraid will attempt to shoot them down with a jet of water!” interjected Emma, “Easy enough to understand? Good.”

“Three… two… one…” Ben said, after which he blew a long green whistle which emitted an extremely high pitched sound. Hearing this, BB and Paintball dived under the surface of the water, swallowed a gulp of water and re-surfaced.

Ben threw the first red disc. Paintball reacted immediately with a quick, thin stream of water from its mouth; it struck the disc which fell into the pool with a soft watery thump.

Emma picked up two of the same red plates and threw them one after the other in close succession. BB eyed them carefully from her spot floating in the water. She waited an unusually long time before spitting out one rather large stream of water. It struck the first disc on the side; which spun on its axis rapidly, eventually colliding with the second disc flying slightly behind it. They both plummeted into the pool with a similar splash.

“Way to go, BB!”

The crowd grew a little excited, with people sitting back and clapping politely.

“Now, to really give this show some power!” yelled Ben into his microphone. Both he and his partner threw five different coloured plates into the air right above their heads. They seemed to hover slightly in shades of blue and green. Both Remoraid shot water wildly, smacking them and showering the trainers below in a spray of the fine, reflected water drops. Each disc then fell into the awaiting hands of the trainers below, who caught them spectacularly.

At this, the crowd burst into a loud round of applause. Emma and Ben stood with their arms wide. Taking a quick bow, they both cast the discs aside and picked up several metal cymbals which were roughly the size of a large human hand. A small cannon-like machine was also wheeled out onto the small stage by none other than the aquarium’s plumber, Mario. He stood on stage for a few seconds, tending to the modified cannon, before publicly adjusting himself and walking off. A few chuckles could be heard from some of the front row viewers who had witnessed the fine event.

“Right,” Emma changed the subject, “this is a little segment I came up with myself,” she said joyfully through her microphone, a wide smile stretched across her still damp face.

“No you didn’t! Everyone knows you downloaded this from the ‘net,” interrupted Ben smartly. He then held up his free hand and covered his mouth to Emma, loudly whispering to the audience, “Can’t make up her own stuff… cut her some slack,” ending with a big wink. The audience laughed, either at Ben’s attempt to embarrass his partner, or the fact that Emma’s face now resembled that of a freshly stepped-on frog.

Paintball and BB didn’t seem to notice any of this; they continued to dart around the pool in their usual show style, occasionally performing talented flips and jumps, as they were trained to do.

Mario walked out of the backstage door and stood before the front row of seats facing the pool. He leaned casually against the thin metal hand rail to watch the rest of the show, a strange, evil looking grin on his face.

“ANYway,” yelled Emma over both the laughs from earlier and the claps for the two Remoraid. “Let’s move onto the next performance. I must warn you though, if you do not wish to see a show made up entirely of pure awesomeness, leave now.”

“She’s right, if you see one show this year that’ll have you on the edge of your seat, make it this one.” Ben said, adding to the suspense of the moment. The entire audience was silent and all eyes were on the strange cannon which now emitted strange clunking sounds as it warmed up.

“While we’re waiting, let’s give another round of applause to our wonderful Pokémon here!” Ben said, clapping his hands. The audience joined in.

“Without whom you’d probably still be watching ‘Feeding habits of the deep – Clamperl’s struggle’” Emma joked. The crowd laughed, along with Ben who seemed to be trying to hold the laughter inside his mouth.

“Hey… that was mean,” said a short, rounded girl quietly from backstage who had been listening to their performance as she pulled on her wetsuit. She looked down at her Clamperl sadly.

Emma walked beside the cannon and inserted some hand sized cymbals she was holding into a slot at the top. They could be heard clinking down the cannon’s slot much like a coin in a vending machine. She then picked up a small remote with a large yellow button in the middle.

“Go, BB!” she yelled and pressed the button. The cannon shot one of the small gongs at an extremely fast pace.

BB gulped water quickly and sent a flurry of water streams at the flying cymbal. Each time it struck it, a ringing metal sound could be heard.

“…Five, six, seven times, folks!” Emma yelled, punching the air. She was counting the number of times the Pokémon had hit the flying plate. “Good job, BB! Let’s see you beat that, Benja!”

“If you couldn’t tell, everyone, this one is kind of a competition between Paintball and BB,” Ben explained. “We count up how many times each Pokémon hits these gongs.”

“Ah! But just so everyone is clear… Ben and Paintball have never, EVER won against myself and the amazing, BB” Emma was sure to remind the audience of this every time this act was shown. Ben sighed loudly.

“I was letting you win all those times. Paintball, Go!”

The crowd cheered as Ben inserted one of his cymbals into the slot. It shot out suddenly and Paintball reacted slowly. He spat out a lot of water, but his aim was a little off. This time, the crowd also joined in the counting.

“…Three, four, five times!” Everyone except Emma shouted. Followed by a loud “Ooooh!” and scattered variations of “Aw, not enough”.

Emma quickly scooped up a few more cymbals and shoved them into the cannon’s slot. The machine whirred loudly, too loudly. Out of the slot came a fine dark grey smoke.

“Emma! You broke it!” Ben yelled. The crowd started to laugh, obviously thinking this was part of the act.

“Where’s that plumber gone, he must have broken it!” Emma quickly yelled in her own defence, “MARIO?!”

Mario who was still standing pool-side started to laugh. Emma glared at him, fire in her eyes. Seeing her steely gaze, Mario started to run as fast as he could. He ran along the path and up the concrete stairs between the seats. Ten steps up, he stopped for a breather, clutching his chest.
“BB!” Emma screamed, “Get Him!” BB took a while to reply, it seemed a bit too preoccupied with squirting water at Paintball, who, if it hadn’t been for the water, looked about to cry.

BB turned her attention to Mario, who had keeled over half way up the flight of stairs. She shot several high powered shots at Mario, they hit their target directly.

“Oooow!” Mario yelled clutching his wide behind as more and more blasts hit him. He leaped up and sprinted as fast as he could up the rest of the stairs. The audience roared with laughter as Mario’s figure past through the gate and out into the main aquarium.

Every member in the audience was on their feet; clapping, laughing and cheering at the same time.

Ben and Emma were not going to argue; they faced their crowd and bowed triumphantly. Paintball and BB flipped around the pool, BB in particular lapping up the attention.

Last edited by EmBreon; 11-04-2007 at 04:56 AM.
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Old 11-04-2007, 04:54 AM
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Default Re: Two for the Show

This cheerfulness was short-lasted, however. In the few moments that the two took to embrace the applause, the skeet machine began smoking uncontrollably before exploding with a loud bang.

Several screams erupted from the crowd as the immediately jumped from their seats and maniacally rushed to the exits like a horde of ants enclosing a piece of fallen candy. The machine sputtered, snapped, and with a whistling sound began shooting disks randomly and repeatedly in all directions resembling a demented machine gun.

Ben had to duck swiftly as the cannon spun in circles, sending discs flying in every direction to ricochet off of the walls. In fear he dropped to the floor and thought he heard a little girl screaming in the background before he realized the voice was his own.

Emma laughed to herself for a moment at the feminine sound coming from the male cowering on the floor in fetal position.

“Haha, Ben, it’s not going to- OOF!” she clutched her stomach in pain as a stray disc was sent flying into her abdomen.

“Serves you right!” Ben gloated at the girl wincing slightly and rubbing the place where the object hit her, while he himself remained cowered on the tiled floor.

There was another sudden eruption of noise as the cannon exploded a final time, sending every disc inside of it flying across the arena. Due to a series of unfortunate events, five discs hit repetitively on the same area of the glass wall separating the aquarium from the sea. In effect, a circle in the glass shattered, splitting wider and wider as the cracks stretched from the small circle of weakness to the far edges of the window. It took about ten seconds before the entire panel of glass was spider webbed in cracks.

“What, in the name of Mary is going on in here?!” Mario waddled back into the room cautiously, obviously hearing the racket and too curious to not intrude. He took an annoying bite out of his abnormally large hamburger. “Vat happen voo vuh vindow?” he tried to speak through a full mouth, but sprayed food particles onto clean floor instead.

Emma glared at him in fury at the giant mess he had caused, arching an eyebrow to signify that she couldn’t interpret what he was saying. Be stood up slowly from the floor, relieved at the cease of the firing machine but still twitching slightly and darting his eyes left to right nervously.

Mario gulped loudly, swallowing his food, before he said again, “What happened to the window?” He then pointed to the large sheet of glass that was no longer flawless but barely see through. At this, he begin to swiftly walk towards it, but paid little attention to where he was walking and did not notice the large puddle of water on the pool’s edge that resided there from the Remoraid’s water bullets. His feet slipped out from beneath him, and in a scene that resembled a slow-motion movie, his arms flung out in his fall as he screamed, “My sandwich!” The calorie-packed hamburger flew from his hands and directly into the window he was approaching.

The already weak screen of glass gave way to this slight added pressure and broke suddenly into tiny bits and pieces. With a shattering explosion, the water held into the pool by the, now vacant, glass wall was sent overflowing into the ocean.

The two rebellious Remoraid weren’t ignorant enough to overlook this sudden chance at freedom. BB gave her trainer a menacing glare before darting through the water current to the open sea. Paintball, being the more dimwitted of the two, simply lolled after her, having never broken the habit of being her shadow.

“Come back here!” Emma yelled, waving her fist in the air as an elderly man would, had he been chasing obnoxious children from his yard. “Ben, GET THE BREATHERS AND THE PAIR FOR ACT THREE!”

Her companion, however, was somewhat slow to register the message, staring blankly at her as if confused with what had just happened.

“HURRY!” This message struck home, and sent Ben flying to the room backstage.

Emma wasted no time, as she turned on her heel and ran directly for the storage closet. It took her a matter of seconds to slam into it, wrench it open and crash through it, leaving every shelf she bumped into to crash to the floor in her wake. She ruffled through a cabinet before finding what she had been searching for; she pushed her way back through the clutter and emerged from the closet victorious.

She raced back to the center of the arena to meet her show partner who was waiting with two tiny breathing devices and an equal amount of Poke Balls.

“Here you are, m’lady,” Ben stated as if the matter at hand wasn’t urgent. He handed her a Poke Ball and the breathing mouth piece.

“Great. Here.” Emma shoved a pair of flippers into his chest as she took the objects from him, then rushed to put them on as Ben did same at a significantly slower speed.

As soon as the two were prepared, they each faced the ocean that was now completely open to the stadium, as the glass window was no longer there.

“Come on out, Wailmer; we need you!” Emma chimed as she tossed her ball roughly towards the water. Ben followed suit, though, his toss was a bit more feminine as he flicked his wrist slightly once the orb left his hand.

Two beams of light exploded from them and traveled simultaneously into the ocean. Two growing, red figures appeared in its place, turning white slowly before materializing completely.

The two identical Pokémon blended in slightly with the water, as the only area of their bodies that was not blue was their bellies, which were masked beneath the water’s surface. Four dark, beady eyes peered expectantly at the two trainers, as the one on the left spouted a bit of water through the nostrils above its eyes, while the one on the right moaned eerily, causing the noise to echo of the large and painted cement walls. Each of the two had a broad, uncanny grin on their face. Though, the smiles reflected more a feel of determination as opposed to pleasure.
“I wonder…” came Ben’s pondering tone. “Do you think their faces hurt? I mean, they can never stop smiling. Surely they couldn’t possibly be happy all the time, yet that dorky grin is permanently plastered on their faces.”

Emma rolled her eyes ignoring him, placed the breathing device into her mouth, and dived into the ocean.

It was shallow. About eight feet or so, as the rocks and pebbles surround this part of the building differed from the naturally sandy bottom of the ocean floor. The water was clear however, the female could see as far as her eyes would allow her to with the amount of sunlight breaching the water’s surface. She kicked her feet slowly, though she was able to achieve a decent amount of momentum through the water as her flippers did the majority of the work for her.

A sound wave burst through the water, and Emma bent her body to look over her shoulder where a white bubbly cocoon of liquid was fizzing around the figure of Ben. From the angle of his body, it appeared as though he had fallen unexpectedly into the water rather than jumped willingly.

She waited for him to look at her until she pointed at the Wailmer waiting patiently a couple yards away. He nodded, and the two of them swam towards the creature and grabbed hold of identical fins. Immediately, the two whales turned and shot into the depths of the ocean. This wasn’t the first time they were used to retrieve escaped Pokémon, and they knew exactly where they were going.

The two human performers paid no attention to the vivid scenery beneath them. They ignored the colony of Corsola huddled together in a shallow abyss, sealing whatever lied beneath it from view. A lone Krabby scurrying across a barren stretch of sand stared angrily up at the group of intruders, clicking his pincers angrily as if he expected to fight the four of them himself, and win.

There was little else to see apart from the enormous coral reef emerging into view. The colorful aquatic plants swayed in the ocean current, calming and untouched. As they finally neared the edge of this massive city of life, Ben shot a finger in front of him, which lead roughly to the location of two shining bullets, one silver, one violet; each were circling a bright yellow flower. They acted as if entranced by a Sweet Scent, though underwater that was impossible.

The whales crept further into the coral until they were about ten yards away from the two fish, where Emma finally let go of her Pokémon’s fin. She nodded approval at it as she breathed through her mouth piece, which sent a shower of tiny bubbles racing towards the surface.

Ben recognized the situation and released his whale as well, giving it a nice pat on its rubbery hide before letting the pair perform what they were trained for.

Barely a moment after, each whale created an opaque violet aura around themselves allowed it to grow larger and larger before finally twitching noticeably, and sending the purple swirls of energy rocketing towards the ignorant fish. Both of the Astonish attacks hit their mark, and with a stroke of perfect luck, both of the Remoraid flinched into position, preparing for the moment when they could attack in return.

The element of surprise had ended, and each whale wasted no time before they began to create another attack identical each other. A low hiss sounded through the depths of the sea, as streams of water collected into the mouths of the Wailmer. At the peak of the move, each sent an enormous geyser of compacted liquid at each of the fish, and being flinched, there was nowhere to dodge each powerful Hydro Pump. They surged through the sea water in a casing of bubbles, allowing the trainers to see exactly what was happening.

The pair of rebellious Pokémon were flung backwards through the water as if a couple of flies being swatted away, they twirled around as they slowed from the momentum of the attack. The Pokémon did not take kindly to the intrusion, and each of them immediately conjured individual attacks. The purple Remoraid furiously sent an eruption of glowing yellow darts stinging through the water and into Emma’s oaf of a Wailmer. The painful Bullet Seed did not relent until the shiny fish had released the entire attack. Each lustrous seed sent bubbles rising to the shimmering ocean surface, where they burst into the air.

Paintball, however, being the more dimwitted of the two, decided against an identical super effective attack, and instead created a wave-like, maroon beam of light that was sent rippling through the ocean before it hit the untouched Wailmer. Though painful, the Psybeam did not have as much impact as the Bullet Seed, as Emma’s Wailmer was left significantly weaker.

The speedy fish then began pulsing with sound energy as they beat circles of water toward their opponents. The stronger Wailmer happened to release a veil of white haze that came pouring from its wide open mouth and enclosing the entire area in an icy mist. The Water Pulses from the Remoraid were sent of target and the two Wailmer remained solemn in the new cover.

BB had a counter for this unfortunately. While the silver fish prepared another Psybeam that hit off mark yet again, she buckled into position, locking her eyes on Emma’s Wailmer before releasing a sheer Ice Beam attack, guided by a Lock-on. It pounded viciously into the screaming whale, which became enclosed in a freezing case of ice. It was a strange scene to both Ben and Emma, the frozen Wailmer slowly started to rise. It bobbed awkwardly on the surface of the water.

Emma groaned disappointedly in her throat as she recalled the indigo whale back into its Poké Ball.

As opposed to Paintball, Ben’s Wailmer was the cleverer of the two. Realizing he had to finish the battle before he too was unfit to fight, he pulsed swiftly with glowing light before releasing a blast of glowing green circles into the clearing mist, which each found a mark on one of the defiant fish. The Grass typed Hidden Power attack was enough to weaken them to the point where they heaved with exhaustion. Wasting no time to allow her Pokémon to regain energy, Emma thrust her Poké Ball out into the water before attempting to shout “Remoraid, return!” However, the sound was muffled through her mouth piece, and resembled that of a gurgling baby instead of a stern command. She peered through the air bubbles as a crimson light shot out from her Poké Ball and weaved its way to the tiring fish.

Ben saw the opening and did the same with his Poké Ball. The pair waited anxiously in the few seconds that seemed to take hours as the jets of light approached their victims. They were not in the mood to continue battling…

Ready For Grading!
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Last edited by Shady; 11-04-2007 at 04:57 AM.
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Old 12-08-2007, 10:02 PM
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Default Re: Two for the Show

I'm going to be grading this. However, to restate what I said in the Feedback thread (just in case you happen to see this first), I may not finish, or have a chance to put the grade up, until tomorrow morning.

EDIT: Sorry about the short delay. I didn't realize I wouldn't be home at all yesterday, and not much today, either. Here it is:

Wow. That was pretty good. </understatement>


I liked it. It was short, sweet, and had a good amount of description. One point I’ll touch on later (in the Story/Plot section) is that, almost the entire part with the boy and his mother seems like it could be the introduction. However, there are a few things that you need to work on a little bit.

There was no real description of the boy and his mother (I don’t believe the boy even got a name), which was a bit disappointing. You did give a few really good descriptions of the boy’s childish, hyperactive behavior, but never showed me his physical appearance, or that of his mother. That’s something you’ve got to think about when you write an introduction, because it’s the first instance the reader gets to see the main character, and, if he or she can’t visualize the character, the introduction loses a bit of excitement.

Otherwise, I really did enjoy your introduction. It was cute, and amusing (I’ve got a load of younger siblings, so I could easily relate to that poor, flustered mother). For next time, make sure to give a good physical description of the main character, and you’ll do fine. (What am I saying…? You already do!)


This was a very, very original story, and it showed. I thoroughly enjoyed every minute, and hardly noticed the amount of time it took to read it. You included a nice balance of action and mellow-ness (mellowdy? :P), making sure that it wasn’t boring or too fast-paced to keep track of. The one spot that did confuse me a little bit was the transition of focus from the little child and his mother to Ben and Emma. I may have just read that part a little too quickly, but it doesn’t seem that the two stories are really connected at all, except that they both take place in the same setting.

Allow me to elaborate. In the introduction, the first character we see is the little boy, all excited about going to the aquarium. However, once Ben and Emma are introduced, we never again see either the toddler or his mom. In some ways, it feels a bit disjointed, and almost like you could have left out the entire section about the boy, without really retracting a whole lot from your story (except, perhaps, length). There are a few things that this long introduction does, such as introducing the sinister Mario, but that could probably have been done just as well in the scene inside the staff lounge. Just make sure you think about how everything fits together in the final picture, because, as I said, the whole story really does feel a bit choppy in that particular transition.

Lastly, it’s always nice to read a story and have a Pokémon [BB] be the antagonist. After the dust clears and Mario runs off, it’s the purple, conceited Remoraid that leads its friend astray, maliciously. Again, I loved the creative plot.

I was going to make a joke to the effect of “What are you smoking, and where can I get some?” but I carried it way out of proportion and killed it. So that previous sentence will have to suffice.


This is the part where I yell, “Yay!!” and sprinkle you with confetti. Perhaps there were a few sections that could have used better descriptions, such as (as I already stated) the physical descriptions of the boy and his mother. For the most part, however, I had no problems visualizing the action taking place, and the story was that much more enjoyable because of it. You even gave some of the characters developed personalities (*gasp*), which many writers neglect to do.


This is where I get to have fun admonishing you all for not paying attention in English class. You both obviously have a well-developed grasp of the English language, there were just a few problems I noticed.

“No. Now sit tight, I’ll tell you when we’re there. No more asking.” She sighed slowly, and turned the right blinker on, easing over through traffic to the exit.

“No. Now sit tight, I’ll tell you when we’re there. No more asking,she sighed slowly, and turned the right blinker on, easing over through traffic to the exit.

I’m going to assume that this just slipped from your mind for a moment. Just as a reminder, though, when a sentence is continued after a quotation, the quotation should end with a comma and the next word (assuming it’s not a proper noun) should be lowercase.
Light was streaming lightly out of the enormous tanks, causing them to have a glow in the dark effect.

Light was streaming ?lightly? out of the enormous tanks, causing them to have a glow-in-the-dark effect.

Firstly, you might want to change that adverb. Light is obviously going to stream lightly. :)
It’s just a bit repetitive. Try ‘brightly’ or ‘dazzlingly,’ or something a bit more creative.

Second, words like “glow-in-the-dark” need hyphens because they are, in effect, one word. You forgot to add hyphens in a few other places, so just be sure to watch out for that kind of thing.
He bolted towards the tank, but only making it halfway there as a shoe lace came undone causing him to trip over his feet and fall to the ground.

He bolted towards the tank, but only made it halfway there as a shoe lace came undone, causing him to trip over his feet and fall to the ground.

First problem: ‘Making’ doesn’t keep consistent with the past tense. You could also have taken out the conjunction, ‘but,’ and kept ‘making’ in the sentence, and it would have been correct.

Secondly, ‘undone’ needs a comma after it, because you are connecting an independent clause (a phrase containing a subject and a verb, which can act on its own as a sentence) to a dependent clause (a phrase containing a subject and a verb, which cannot act on its own as a sentence).
Not turning his head away from the giant fish, the boy pointed towards the information booth where his Mother stood reading a pamphlet entitled "Splashin' Around - Our new Magikarp exhibit. Opening Soon."

Not turning his head away from the giant fish, the boy pointed towards the information booth where his mother stood reading a pamphlet entitled "Splashin' Around - Our new Magikarp exhibit. Opening Soon."

Words like ‘mother’ and ‘father’ are only capitalized when they are being addressed directly by a person, or are a priest/nun.
Charlie could see everything; an open topped tank containing playful otter Pokémon, Buizel; A small pool which allowed visitors to swim with the sea Pokémon and a large walrus Pokémon, Walrein, sunbathing on a rock.

Charlie could see everything: an open topped tank containing playful otter Pokémon, Buizel, a small pool which allowed visitors to swim with the sea Pokémon, and a large walrus Pokémon, Walrein, sunbathing on a rock.

You’ve got to watch which form of punctuation you are using.

Semi-colons “;” are used to connect two independent clauses that share a common meaning or idea.
Incorrect Ex: Johnny was a boy; who liked pie.
Correct Ex: Johnny liked pie; apple pie was his favorite.

Colons “:” are used to introduce a list of objects. There is never a verb before the colon.
Incorrect Ex: There are: four Walrein, three Buizel, and two Lanturn.
Correct Ex: The tank was filled with water Pokémon: four Walrein, three Buizel, and two Lanturn.

You have to be careful when using semi-colons, because I noticed many other instances where you incorrectly used them, or should have. Use the advice I gave, and make sure you are aware of when to and when not to use semi-colons.
I think most of the other problems with grammar I noticed were places missing commas, which were most likely just simple mistakes.

One last note: ‘Pokeball’ is one word.


Fine by me.


The battle itself was a bit shorter than I’d have liked, and was probably the low part of the story. A clash between four relatively evenly matched water Pokémon isn’t going to end that quickly. I suggest that next time, you flesh out your battle with more attacks and some more lengthy descriptions, though the detail there is pretty well written. Aside from the fact that it was rather short, the battle didn’t seem too one-sided, which is good, and each Pokémon used a fairly wide array of attacks.

There is one other point I’d like to touch on. I tend to shy away from using words like “super-effective” simply because the anime (which battles should be more based on) shows many inconsistencies when it comes to effectiveness, such as Electric attacks hitting Ground-types when they are wet. Also, avoid strictly staying within the parameters of video game battles in general. Astonish doesn’t necessarily have to cause a flinch; Hidden Power doesn’t have to be a random type. Try to be a little more creative with your attacks.


Hmmm… I wonder… Remoraids Captured!!! This was a well-done, very enjoyable read all around. For next time, be sure to be a little more creative in your battles, and make them longer, as this one was on the short side for two Pokémon. You both are very good writers, and I know you’ll continue to do phenomenally in the URPG.

SotaOMG (10:05:46 PM): i think stunky is sexy
iamnotyou11 (10:05:54 PM): Soda stop being gay (10:06:03 PM): ironic statement?
I can probably take some grading requests now. But don't all rush me at once. :/

Last edited by Elrond; 12-09-2007 at 10:11 PM.
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Old 12-09-2007, 11:05 PM
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Default Re: Two for the Show

Yay! Thanks a bunch for the grade. Now Ben can stop bugging me about it. XP

Also, about the viewpoint changes, that was intentional because we used the boy to lead up to/introduce the show. Somewhat foreshadowing I guess. In case you wanted to know, which you probably didn't, but there it is anyway. XD

Thanks again. <3


I'm laughing right now though, because most of the mistakes you pointed out (like, grammar and stuff) were written by Emma. xDD
Haha, you wish! :x

Last edited by EmBreon; 12-11-2007 at 04:34 AM.
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Old 12-09-2007, 11:07 PM
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Default Re: Two for the Show

Originally Posted by EmBreon View Post
Yay! Thanks a bunch for the grade. Now Ben can stop bugging me about it. XP

Also, about the viewpoint changes, that was intentional because we used the boy to lead up to/introduce the show. Somewhat foreshadowing I guess. In case you wanted to know, which you probably didn't, but there it is anyway. XD

Thanks again. <3
That's what I had figured, it just seemed to me that you could have tied the two storylines together again; the little boy's story was just kind of left hanging.

And you're quite welcome!

SotaOMG (10:05:46 PM): i think stunky is sexy
iamnotyou11 (10:05:54 PM): Soda stop being gay (10:06:03 PM): ironic statement?
I can probably take some grading requests now. But don't all rush me at once. :/
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Old 12-10-2007, 06:11 AM
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Default Re: Two for the Show

I'm laughing right now though, because most of the mistakes you pointed out (like, grammar and stuff) were written by Emma. xDD

Nice way to make me feel all fuzzy, haha.

Thanks for grading! ^^ I'll enjoy my little fish.
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