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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 12-07-2007, 08:49 PM
Keyblade_Master's Avatar
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Default When Do I start!

In Sinnoh, Sandgem Town, there was a mom, who kept her boy from leaving to journey with his Phanpy and catch new Pokemon, she hated being alone, but one day, that boy decided to run away and start his journey, he was excited about the plan, anyway on with our story……

“Mum, when do I go to bed tonight?” asked the boy as he scratched his head. “In 2 hours okay, you should know that, why the rush anyway?” she replied. “No problem, just wondering, right Phanpy” he smiled down at his Phanpy. “Phan” The Phanpy called out. That night when his mum was asleep, he wrote a note and left her a present he then jumped out of his window with his Phanpy in its poke ball clipped to his belt, he ran through the night and flung on his bag, on his back over the top of his red and white striped shirt, he then felt a stone fling into the shin of his black jeans he stopped and looked around to see a giant murky tree with a Murkrow in it, he raked his hand on his fore head, threw down his bag and sent out Phanpy.

“Phanpy use a rollout” He shouted. The tiny elephant Pokemon rolled up towards the tree and hit a bump, sending it straight into Murkrow, The Murkrow hit the floor in daze. “Sweet, We are about to catch our first Pokemon” Danced him and his Phanpy. Then he forgot to get the poke ball, he dived into his bag and pulled out a red and white sphere but before he could throw it, the Murkrow had gotten away. “Darn it” he shouted.

They walked on, in the day time, Key new this place easier in the day, but at midnight, it was completely hopeless, he couldn’t see much at all. He sat down and lit a match under a tree then there was a tiny bird next to him, it seemed to be a Starly that had been hatched a few weeks ago and it was very badly injured, so he pulled out a super potion and rubbed it on the little bird’s wings, he kept massaging it in and then finished of by giving it a poffin. After a while, the bird Pokemon felt strong once again, so now it decided to help out Key for a change.

The Starly jumped up into the sky and started flying around then it landed on Key’s arm and chirped. “Star, Starly”. It seemed if Key new what the Starly had said, so he nodded and let the Starly fly of into the night sky, so he waited there for it to return, it had been quite some time but finally, the bird returned. It had gotten fresh berries for Key to eat because he didn’t want to waste supplies in his bag, he set his eyes on the pitch black sky, as he saw stars shining up above him, Phanpy and Starly all started to laugh and carried on in there journey, but before they could leave, a mysterious mirage, was hovering in front of him, then it dropped a red ball of glowing light, Kay picked it up, it was so mysterious, so he zipped open his bag and placed it in carefully, he wondered what it was as they walked of into the darkness.

Still no sign of civilization but the route was lighting up as the sun came up, Kay checked his orange poketch, and it was now 2 o’clock in the morning, he yawned and pushed his hand into his brown and spiky hair as it reflected in the sunlight like a shining mirror, Starly was close by and Phanpy near too, as they traveled to Jubilife city, Kay wanted to catch a Pokemon soon, so he thought that he would sit down and rest for a while, but then he thought I could catch one now instead of saving my energy, but there were no sign’s of Pokemon at this time of morning, he was surprised how long it had taken him to get over from twinleaf town to sandgem town in a whole night, he never thought it was possible.

Only after ten minutes, they were still walking, until Kay dropped to the ground, the Pokemon instantly cared for him till’ he woke up in the early hours, he then checked his poketch to see it was 6 o’clock, and Starly and Phanpy had eaten and moved him to under a tree, they were snuggled up next to him because he was warm. He woke them up and took three poffins from his bag, ate one and gave the others to the Pokemon with him. He then grabbed the mysterious red ball from his bag and examined it, it was red all over and at the lines was it opened, it was blackish grey and lined around it, it was a truly good ball, and he made it out to be a type of poke ball, due to the button on the front of it. He kissed it for good luck and placed it into the bag once more, as if he cherished it, he did, since it was a gift from a mirage. Later on they had gotten up and could see sandgem at 6:23 am, Key was so pleased, he thanked Starly and parted ways, but then Starly flew back and asked for a battle for him to catch it, he accepted.

“Okay Starly, no holding back, Phanpy use rollout” He shouted while pointing at the Starly.

Starly was hit quickly but got back up and used a quick attack, making Phanpy flinch, making another easy hit with a wing attack from Starly, and Phanpy was feeling the damage.

“Now, Try a tackle” he worried as he called out.

Starly got hit again but it was losing more health than Phanpy when it was hit because Phanpy was much more stronger, then Starly used a growl to lower Phanpy’s power.

“It ain’t over yet, now try a full body take down!” shouted Key

The Phanpy charged at the bird, and then took it down, Starly could not do anything, it was too tired.

“Good job there Phanpy, you took one for me” he called out as he withdrew it “Time for a poke ball”

He threw an empty sphere at the Starly creating a bright white light that vacuumed it up into the poke ball, as it started to shake quickly.

One shiver…. Two shiver….. Three shiver.

And.
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Last edited by Keyblade_Master; 12-07-2007 at 09:14 PM.
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  #2  
Old 12-10-2007, 10:42 AM
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Default Re: When Do I start!

Regrading, because I was tired when I first read the story. I missed some things that held importance to the story. I apologize for the sloppy grade.

Introduction: What does our hero look like? What does the setting look like? It would appear as though these areas are lacking in your story. Give some descriptions! It would be nice for readers to get a mental picture of who they are reading about. Don’t be afraid to go overboard either! Describe the characters right down to their clothing and their eye color. Give the setting some description too, right down to the peeling wallpaper and dusty floors! What I’m saying is, try to get the reader interested. Give them a hook to bite at. Something that will make them want to keep reading. Just keep this in mind for your future stories, and any editing that you may want to do on this story.

B-

Plot/Story: Boy runs away from home, battles a Murkrow, runs onto a route, finds a hurt Starly, finds a strange Pokeball, and then battles the Starly he helped. Try summing up your stories like this before you write them. That way you can look at the big picture and say, “Wow! If I were a reader, I’d want to read that!” or, “Well, back to the drawing board.” Also, to get better plot ideas, try brainstorming on paper before you actually set to writing your story. It’s a simple exercise, but it’ll help you out quite a bit in the long run. Don’t be afraid to give your plots some twists and turns, either, as those make a story exciting. Try to think outside the box, and write something that nobody else would ever have thought of! Take the reader to new heights and new places. Give them something to marvel at and make that thing hold their interest at the same time. A great plot makes all the difference, so remember that. You didn't do too badly here for a first story, just remember to go for more intriguing stories next time.

B

Grammar/Spelling: I’m not going to point out every single error in your paper. As this is your first story, I want to encourage you to write more and get better; the last thing I want to do is make you feel overwhelmed.
Quote:
In Sinnoh, Sandgem Town, there was a mom, who kept her boy from leaving to journey with his Phanpy and catch new Pokemon, she hated being alone, but one day, that boy decided to run away and start his journey, he was excited about the plan, anyway on with our story……
Now, I chose to quote this because it is a good example of a run-on sentence. You want to avoid run-ons at all costs, as they can distract a reader and make their desire to finish reading the story dwindle. To fix a run-on, you want to split it into 2 or more sentences. To fix the one I quoted, I would write something like,
“In Sinnoh, Sandgem Town, there was a mom. She kept her boy from leaving to journey with his Phanpy and catch new Pokemon. She hated being alone, but one day, that boy decided to run away. He was going to start his journey, and he was excited about it. Anyway, on with our story…”

See how much better that sounds? A good way to find large run-ons is to read your story out loud, and take a small breath after each sentence. If you find yourself running out of breath partway through a sentence, it’s probably a run-on.

Quote:
“Mum, when do I go to bed tonight?” asked the boy as he scratched his head. “In 2 hours okay, you should know that, why the rush anyway?” she replied. “No problem, just wondering, right Phanpy” he smiled down at his Phanpy. “Phan” The Phanpy called out. That night when his mum was asleep, he wrote a note and left her a present he then jumped out of his window with his Phanpy in its poke ball clipped to his belt, he ran through the night and flung on his bag, on his back over the top of his red and white striped shirt, he then felt a stone fling into the shin of his black jeans he stopped and looked around to see a giant murky tree with a Murkrow in it, he raked his hand on his fore head, threw down his bag and sent out Phanpy.
I quoted this because it needs to be split into multiple paragraphs. Whenever there’s dialogue, if it switches from one character speaking to another character speaking, then you need to start a new paragraph. It would look like this:

Quote:
“Mum, when do I go to bed tonight?” asked the boy as he scratched his head.

“In 2 hours okay, you should know that, why the rush anyway?” she replied.

“No problem, just wondering, right Phanpy” he smiled down at his Phanpy.

“Phan” The Phanpy called out.

That night when his mum was asleep…
See how that works? Anyway, those were the two main errors I found. Just proofread your stories after you write them. Anything that doesn’t look right? Rewrite it. Also, don’t be afraid to ask your parents for help if you’re confused about something. Parents aren’t just there to feed you, ya’ know? Oh and if you can get a hold of a copy of Microsoft Word, it has a nice Grammar Check feature that can help you out.

D+

Detail: Details can really help a story. Try to describe everything in the story, from the trees, to the grass, to the sky. Leave nothing undescribed! No matter how unimportant they might seem, details help add interest to a bland story. They “spice” it up. Details can sometimes be the difference between a successful capture and an unsuccessful capture, also. Don’t be afraid of getting descriptive. Get in touch with your inner adjective, and make your story come alive. As it goes, you did pretty well here, just don't forget to use a wide variety of words. <- A thesaurus can always help a lot there.

B+

Length: You were over the minimum mark, so I guess you’re fine here. Just remember this: If your story has a good plot, a good battle, and great details, you may not need to quite reach the minimum requirement. This also works in reverse: If your story seems a tad weak, you may to need to lengthen it above and beyond what is “required” by the Pokemon list. Just fit the length to the occasion: Base your length not just on the margin on the Pokemon list, but also on the strength of the story and the level of the desired Pokemon. Graders are always pleased to find that you’ve put extra effort into writing, so if the maximum requirement on the Pokemon list is 10k, write 13k. It doesn’t take much to lengthen a story, just a little practice is all.

A

Battle: Your battle needs to be longer. Don’t be scared to go in-depth and really describe those attacks! Tell not only what damage they did, but also how they caused the damage. Also, the battle was a little one-sided. This is another thing to avoid at all costs. Make the fighters evenly matched. Make them hurt. Make them face off until they’re both ready to collapse.

Also, to add interest to a battle, don’t just use the typical forest-like setting for the fight. Take the fighters underwater, underground, or even into the air. No place is bad to hold a Pokemon battle, and where you hold it can make a lot of difference to not only the story, but the grade as well.

C+

Overall grade: C+

Outcome: Phanpy captured. I apologize if you saw this when it wasn't a pass. I now realize that I shouldn't grade at 3 in the morning. I missed some important stuff, and that's not fair to you. Anyway, this was okay for a first story. Just remember all of the advice I've given you. The grammar was probably your weakest category, so I suggest paying a lot of attention to that area in future stories. Because this was a first story, I graded a tad easier than I would usually. Just try to improve if you're planning on trying for a harder Pokemon, as other graders may not be quite as lenient. Nobody's a bad writer; we all have the talent. You just need to have patience, and be willing to practice, that's all. If you have any questions at all about the grade or about how you can improve for future stories, please don't hesitate to PM me. I check the site frequently, and I'm willing to work with you on anything URPG story-related.
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Last edited by Woodchuck; 12-13-2007 at 12:17 AM. Reason: Fixing something...
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