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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 10-31-2007, 01:20 AM
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Default Change[PG-13]

Hello everyone. Before I begin to write my latest story, I would like to give a small message. Recently, I have been observing how people act at my high-school and I am astonished at how much things have changed since I was a child. Sometimes I just take a stroll through the around the school and here all the nasty words that come out of people's mouths. I also see the smarter students get picked on by the jocks and popular students. One of the biggest changes that I have also noticed, was all of the cliques that are in school. It's either you have a group of friends or you don't. Is that even necessary? Quite dumb to me if you ask.

Problem is that society is going haywire. People don't really care what the world use to be like and the safety of others anymore. In fact, I've seen some students who don't care about the safety of others period. It saddens me to a certain extent and I'm going to say this now: I despise ignorance. I really do. The message I'm trying to give is that change can be good and bad. Lately, it has been bad through my eyes. I would like to inspire everyone to keep up the good work. Don't throw your lives away. Make change have a good impact on your life.

Lastly, I would like to give thanks to my friends Deathspector and Neo Pikachu. If you two are reading this, thanks a lot. Deathspector, thanking you for having hope in me. I know you know what I'm talking about man. Neo, you've helped me so much and I know that I've gotten on your nerves man. But thanks for the help. You deserve rewards for the great things you have done for people. You're story "Trial of Juno" has inspired me to write this story and view life in a different aspect. Thanks pal. Without further ado, let's begin my newest story: Change.
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Last edited by ArusuesFactor; 10-31-2007 at 01:53 AM.
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  #2  
Old 10-31-2007, 01:52 AM
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Default Re: Change[PG-13]

Change


Prologue
Depressing Memories, New Dreams

I thought it would never happen. I believed all my life that it would never happen. It seemed so as if belief wasn't near enough for it this tragic event to occur. Hope wasn't worth my time neither. Nothing was anymore.

The death of my best friend tore me apart. My body was cold and I began to experience death-like nightmares. I just couldn't seem to believe it. My best friend was dead. He was no longer among the living. No more.

Shayne was a pretty cool guy. We had been best friends since birth and stuck with each other through thick and thin. We had more sleepovers than Ash Ketchum had luck. We had played so many games and sports together. We both loved our beloved pokemon. He had his crush and I had mine. We would talk about them and try to flirt with them and we always get laughed at by other people. We didn't care though. We enjoyed what we did. We had accomplished so many goals. We had fun.

I went to his funeral about a week ago. I had seen so many of my friends there and so many of his family members. There were some that I've never even seen before. That didn't matter though. I cried so hard at the funeral. Tears were dripping from my eyes at an incredible pace. I was even thinking that I should just take a knife out and take my life away also. I had second thoughts though. I abhor suicide, but I, in a way, understood it.

My thoughts led me to a question. I had asked the policemen and didn't understand the reply. How did Shayne die? The police said that it was suicide as did the detectives. Knowing him, he wouldn't commit suicide. I couldn't accept that as an answer though. I needed to investigate myself.

I had gone to school with Shayne all the way up until the end of middle school. Then I had to move due to the fact that my mother had received a job offer that she could not refuse. We moved away and I made friends just like a normal teen would have. I decided what I would do. I would transfer to the high-school he went to. I would see if I could solve the case myself. I was going to have to move away from my mother. Luckily, my grandma lived in the same city that Shayne resided in. I knew that my mother would let me move with my grandmother. For one, my grandmother was sick. She had cancer and my mother always urged for me to move with her to take care of her. For two, my mother loved me and would understand my reasons for leaving. That was it. Tomorrow, I would confront my parents and tell them the news. I was going to solve this case, but at the same time have new dreams. A new beginning. Tomorrow morning would be a great time to tell them the news.

I shut my cell phone down and proceeded walking home. The sunset was as beautiful as Shayne and I's friendship. I was going to commit something. I was going to commit change.

I was going to solve the murder of my best friend Shayne....

For now....rest in peace Shayne...

Rest in peace...
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Last edited by ArusuesFactor; 11-03-2007 at 04:29 PM.
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  #3  
Old 10-31-2007, 02:24 AM
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Default Re: Change[PG-13]

Hn. Well, this is a pretty good start. Its already making me wonder what will be of this fic. xD;;; I'm not the bext reviewer in the world, so I'll just pick out stuff that shoudl be picked upon - I liked how you began with the death of your best friend, although it would have been better if you had elaborated a bit more on how close they were; that would make the feeling more powerful. Also, it seemed to be... to summarised. Maybe you wanted to do that, but I think some more elaboration and stuff would help in this. But anyway, its a pretty neat start, and I'll be waiting for the next chapter. ^^

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  #4  
Old 10-31-2007, 02:46 AM
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Default Re: Change[PG-13]

Not bad. I saw some errors though that I'll point out.

Quote:
Tears were dripping from eyes eyes at an incredible pace.
Get rid of the first 'eyes' and replace it with the word 'my'.

Quote:
I was even thinking that I should just take a knife out and took my life away also.
The word 'took' should be 'take'.

Quote:
A question I had asked the policemen and didn't understand how the answer to my question could be at the state it was in.
This sentence is very confusing. I had to read it a few times to understand what it was saying. I was thinking that instead of writing the sentence out like that, maybe you should have it like this:

I asked a question to the policeman, but didn't understand the answer.

You don't need to have that 'at the state it was in' part. It only adds more confusion to the sentence.

Quote:
How did Shayne die? Knowing him, he wouldn't commit suicide. The police said that it was suicide as did the detectives.
This could be re-worded. Here is how I'd reword it:

How did Shayne die? The police said that it was suicide as did the detectives. But knowing him, he wouldn't commit suicide.

It makes more sense like that and sounds less repetitive.

Quote:
I knew that my mother would let me move with my grandmother. For one, she was sick. For two, she loved me. That was it.
This one needs the most work in my opinion. If his mother is sick, wouldn't he want to take care of her? If he cares for others, wouldn't he want his mother to get better before he leaves?

Also, what is she sick with? A cold? Flu? Cancer? Make sure that you tell us what it is so we as a reader can better understand what's wrong with her and how serious it is.

Also (I hope this doesn't sound mean), but what's love got to do with him transfering schools? You should go into more description with this as well. Maybe she's letting him go because she loves him and understands his reasons?

~~~~~~~

It's not the best review, but it's mine. lol

All you have to do is use more description and set the setting better. Make the reader feel sympathy for the main character. So far, your description is nice. It just needs improvement.

I'll be reading more of this. It's very promising. I also like that even though this is a trainer fic, it's very very different from all other trainer fics I've seen. That makes it stand out.

Keep up the writing and improve with what I said.

=^^= Nya
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  #5  
Old 10-31-2007, 03:07 AM
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Default Re: Change[PG-13]

Fantastic beginning, you're definitely opening it up nicely to the reader with the death of Shayne, and the fact the protagonist is alone when it comes to finding out the real truth of what happened. I know what you're capable of, and I know you can take this story very deeply and make it an exciting read.

First person point of view is a great decision for this, as its evident the main character's feelings and personal outlook on the situation will be critical to make this story achieve the most it can with its depth. Stick with that, you have a lot of potential to do great things with it.

In all, my only compliant about it is that it was a little on the short side, but that's no big deal, its a prologue anyway. But, I'm looking forward to seeing how you plan on going forward with this, as you've got a great beginning storyline.

Keep up the good work.
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Old 10-31-2007, 03:17 AM
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Default Re: Change[PG-13]

I like it.
Nicely written.
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  #7  
Old 10-31-2007, 03:29 AM
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Default Re: Change[PG-13]

Wow, the beginning of it made me feel more interested in it and hope for more chapters. It's a good plot and these things also happen at my school. I also know how it feels like to lose a friend so I understand how he feels. Well like Neo said, you really did open it up nicely. I really do want to read more about the mystery of Shayne's death and how the main character struggles with it. I do believe that this story will be a success with the potential you have.
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  #8  
Old 10-31-2007, 03:36 AM
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Default Re: Change[PG-13]

I'm not much of a critic (or a writer myself, either.), but I found it very intriguing. I know exactly what you mean about change, too. Keep writing.
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  #9  
Old 10-31-2007, 03:45 AM
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Default Re: Change[PG-13]


Its Horrible, just stop it now its a disgrace to my eyes!

Just kidding, I like it, nice beginning, you don't see many murder stories, well I think there are a few. Though none that have start out like this, mostly the I murder my friend, or my best friend enemy murder my best friend..yea..:P
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Old 10-31-2007, 04:01 AM
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Default Re: Change[PG-13]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Empoleonx2 View Post

Its Horrible, just stop it now its a disgrace to my eyes!

Just kidding, I like it, nice beginning, you don't see many murder stories, well I think there are a few. Though none that have start out like this, mostly the I murder my friend, or my best friend enemy murder my best friend..yea..:P
You don't like it.. -.-
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  #11  
Old 10-31-2007, 04:12 AM
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Default Re: Change[PG-13]

Found it. haha

Ok. First off. I am no pro fanfic thing of a gig but I give it a shot.

I am sure there are some grammer errors in here but really I am no english teacher nor do I plan to be. With that aside...

It seems pretty intresting. I mean not my cup of tea since I am more of a humor guy but it kept me in tune. I found the Ash Ketchem bit funny enough to read. Still I know this isn't meant to be funny but serious.

The beginning is simple. I know Neo said it was on the short side but to me this opening chapter needs to be short is ok to be short since it is the first chapter. It brings the reader into what is going on and what could happen. Kind of the old feeling I get when I use to read mystery books. Cool and aluring to bring the reader deeper into the world of the story. I can take guesses already where this could go and I am looking forward to see more.
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Old 10-31-2007, 08:41 PM
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Default Re: Change[PG-13]

I'm no reviewer, and not that much of a writer either, but I know what I like, and I like this. The plot is interesting, the writing style is good, although it could be a bit longer, and it captures interest. One question though.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ArusuesFactor View Post
Hello everyone. Before I begin to write my latest story, I would like to give a small message. Recently, I have been observing how people act at my high-school and I am astonished at how much things have changed since I was a child. Sometimes I just take a stroll through the around the school and here all the nasty words that come out of people's mouths. I also see the smarter students get picked on by the jocks and popular students. One of the biggest changes that I have also noticed, was all of the cliques that are in school. It's either you have a group of friends or you don't. Is that even necessary? Quite dumb to me if you ask.
How is any of that stuff different than it was a few years ago? At all?
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  #13  
Old 10-31-2007, 11:49 PM
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Default Re: Change[PG-13]

Thanks all of you. I took all of your replies in to mind and I'm ready to use them. And now, onward with the first chapter. The one before this was a prologue.
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  #14  
Old 11-01-2007, 12:36 AM
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Default Re: Change[PG-13]

Chapter 1
A Day to Remember

The journey home seemed extra long. I was thinking too much. That's why. Who wouldn't think a lot after their best friend just passed on. On top of that, I didn't even know or have any leads to how he was killed. I stopped thinking for a while and took a deep breath. I needed to calm down.

After ten more minutes of depression and walking, I arrived at my house. I sighed and walked up to the brown wooden door. I took the golden key out of my pocket and put it in the knob. The door unlocked and I walked inside. As I put my jacket on the coat rack, I called out to see if my mother or father was home.

"Hey mom. I'm home. You there?"

My mother was happy that I was home and didn't bother asking questions as to why I was depressed. To her it was obvious why. To anyone it was obvious why?

"Hey Jordan. Dinner is ready for you. Just go wash your hands and you're plate will be on the table."

I nodded my head and did as I was told.

I walked over to the bathroom, which was down the hall, and turned on the light. As I put the soap into my hand, I looked into the mirror. Something felt odd. I felt as if I had been in this situation before. This same exact spot. Doing the same exact thing. I continued to stare into the mirror and suddenly the word popped into my head.

Deja' Vu


That's what it was. Deja' Vu. Had this situation really happened before. I stopped daydreaming and continued washing my hands. When I was finished I dried my wet hands and cut out the light. When I arrived at the dinner table, my mother had already begun eating. That was the funny thing about her. It didn't matter if you were at the table or not. If she was hungry, she was hungry. That always made me laugh. But not today.

I took a seat and picked up my fork. I stared at the meal. Macaroni and Cheese. It was one of my most favored meals and my mother knew that.

Dinner had tasted wonderful until I broke the silence.

"Mom, I was planning to ask you this tomorrow, but I just felt like asking you now."

She stared at me as she swallowed her food. She then put her fork down and folded her hands.

"You know I'm ready to listen honey. That's what a mother is for."

She was right. That is what a mother was for. Except nowadays change took over. It wasn't like that anymore.

"I know this might be tough for you to take, but may I move with grandma?"

I was prepared for a long conversation, but instead I was surprised at what she had said to me.

"I knew this time would come. For some reason, you're dad has been telling me to pack your bags and to take you out of Celadon High. I agreed. But does it seem strange to you that we packed your bags and everything without even bothering to ask you?"

It was weird. Would I just have come home to see that I was going to end up moving with grandma anyways? In a way it made sense. Shayne always used to go over to my grandma's house and take care of her for us. We appreciated him a lot for that. For the love of goodness, she lived in Sinnoh and I resided in Kanto. That's a lot to appreacite him for. He was a perfect friend in my eyes.

"So is that a yes mom?"

My mom chuckled to herself.

"Of course. We're going to miss you a hell of a lot though. You need to take care of her for us. You understand me?"

And for the first time in two weeks, I laughed. It felt so wonderful to see my mother and father agree to such a tough choice. I loved them so much. My mother and I got out of our chairs and hugged each other. She gave me a kiss on the forehead and hugged me even tighter.

"Thanks mom."

"No problem kiddo. You'll be leaving tomorrow morning. So you should get a long nights rest."

My parents bought me a plane ticket also? It seemed strange, but I didn't complain. I simply kept my mouth shut and walked over to my room. I put on a white shirt and black shorts. I cut off my light and climbed into my bed. As I pulled the cover over my body, I thought to myself. I was going to leave all of my friends. I was starting something new. Not only that, but I was going to carry on the legacy that Shayne did at his school. I was going to live and take care of my grandmother.

I was going to do a lot of things.

I was going to save my best friend...

I was going to save myself from the two things that seemed to conquer me...

I was going to conquer those two things, the emotions...

Depression and Change...
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Old 11-01-2007, 12:50 AM
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Default Re: Change[PG-13]

Okay, um, you asked me to review, right? Don't expect much.
  • The prologue feels rushy. Maybe it's just me.
  • This sentence here: "My mother was happy that I was home and didn't bother asking questions as to why I was depressed. To her it was obvious why. To anyone it was obvious why?"
    It seems you typed something wrong. :|
  • The move-to-another-continent-tommorow situation seems extremely sudden. I guess it depends on where you think Sinnoh is, eh? =P
  • Try and smush chapters together if there's no giant transition going on. Chapter a la stump isn't good.

Yeah... that's it. I hate correcting grammar when there's a different plot than normal mainstream stuff. Ask somebody else for that. XD

... I'm confused. D:
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