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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 12-28-2007, 07:59 AM
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Lightbulb Hatsy, the forgotten hero

Hatsy, the forgotten hero

The Beginning

- “Are you ready honey? Jordan is waiting.”
- “I will be down in a minute mom,” said Hatsy to her mother.
Hatsy Swann was fifteen years old. She wasn’t very tall, approximately 1,60 meters. She had brown to green eyes and brown staight hair. Her ears were competely covered by her hair. Her face on the other hand could be crearly seen. Her mouth and nose were neither big, nor small: medium size. Her everyday outfit consisted of a light blue shirt, a pink long skirt and her favourite, white and blue shoes. When she was born, from the first minute, she showed a great interest in hats, even if she never wore one. As a result, her parents decided to name her Hatsy. Generally, she was kindhearted and fair. Her best attribute was persistance. She never lost hope, she never gave up. When she wanted something, she could achieve it. Nevertheless, sometimes she couldn’t control her emotions, becoming very annoying and impolite, while she was never organised and always late.
She lived with her mother in the northern outskirts of Eterna city. On the west was located a plain, followed by the majestic Mountain Coronet, while on the left was the Eterna forest. Her house had two floors. On the ground floor was the kitchen and the living room. On the upper storey was located her room, as well as her parents’ room, and the bathroom.
Taking a quick look in her messy, rather small room, Hatsy finally found her light blue shirt and ran down the stairs. She entered the living room to meet her mother and Jordan.
Jordan was her best friend, living right next door. With black short hair and deep blue eyes, he was a little taller than Hatsy. Like most days, he was wearing a black shirt, a pair of blue jeans and a pair of black shoes. He loved being sarcastic. He was mature and thought before saying anything. He always used his logic, although was a little superstitious. He was also in love with Hatsy, but too shy to express his feelings to her. Whenever he did so, he used irony.
Hatsy’s mother, Kate, looked just like Hatsy. She has been told many times that her daughter was actually her clown, with a difference in the clothes, the age (45 years old) and her job (doctor). She was kind and patient, always there to help the others. She loved Hatsy very much. She protected her and treated her very gently. And Hatsy responded. They were a happy family.
As far as her dad was concerned, he was never home. He had to travel, because he was a merchant. Hatsy had rarely seen him, but she still loved him. However she often wondered what he was doing in those trips and sometimes she was angry for him not being with his family, like a responsible father
- “It was about time,” complained Jordan.
- “I am sorry, but you have seen how untidy my room is,” excused Hatsy.
- “Oh well… It’s okay. Now, let’s get a move on. I have to get back home early and it is already 6:30pm.”
- “Okay. Bye mom! I will be back in about an hour.”
- “Okay dear,” said Hatsy’s mother. “Just don’t be late, as usual.”
And by that, Jordan and Hatsy left the house.
- “So Hatsy,” said Jordan, “where will we go to catch our first pokemon?”
- “I don’t know. How about the plain one kilometer away?”
- “Why not… If only you hadn’t been late, again, when the prof was giving starters to new trainers, we would each have one by now.”
- “I said I was sorry. Besides, we can find many other and better pokemon in the plains. You will see.”

.............

Jordan and Hatsy arrived at the plains. The area was green, full of colourful flowers. It was surrounded by mountains, with the highest Mountain Coronet, white and full of snow on its peak, as always. The whole view was breathtaking. As the sun light fell on the mountains, they were glowing, sheding beautiful light everywhere. Both kids were watching amazed for quite a lot of time.
- It is so beautiful, noticed Hatsy.
- “Wow! There are so many pokemon here. Be careful not to step on any while starring at the mountains,” said Jordan sarcasticly.
- “Ha ha! And what do you suggest mister smart guy?! If you don’t want to enjoy the view, zip it and search!”
- “Okay, okay. Don’t get angry!”
So, they started looking for pokemon. Five minutes, ten minutes, half an hour.
Nothing. Suddenly, Jordan heard a sound nearby.
- “Hatsy, look over there,” he whispered at Hatsy. “There is something in that bush.”
Carefully, they approached. All of a sudden, a Porygon jumps out.
- “Omg! A Porygon,” cried Hatsy. “That’s rare! One of us has to catch it!”
- “Go ahead. I don’t like Porygon.”
Hatsy threw a pokeball. The pokeball hit the Porygon and, turning its body into red energy, it sucked it in.
- “Hooray! I caught a Porygon,” she shouted with excitement.
- “But Hatsy,” tried to say Jordan.
He didn’t manage to finish, for the Porygon broke free. It laughed and run away playfully.
- “What?! How did this happen,” yelled Hatsy angrily.
- “Well, you have to make it tired first. Now, how would you do that without a pokemon is another problem.”
- “Stop reminding it. I told you before, on the way here, too. I am sorry,” said Hatsy furiously.
- “Haha! You are so cute when you are angry.”
- “What did you say,” asked Hatsy, having not heard clearly.
- “…. Nothing,” answered Jordan embarrassed and looked somewhere else.
- “Look at the time,” noticed Hatsy. “It is getting late. I have to get home.”
- “Me too!”
They both dashed back home. Ten minutes later, they were in front of
Hatsy’s house.
- “We will try again tomorrow, okay,” asked Jordan.
- “Sure! See you!”
- “Later.”
Hatsy entered her house.
- “Hey mom! I am back.”
- “How did you manage honey?”
- “It was a disaster…”
- “Too bad… Your father called.”
- “How is he? I miss him. When will he return from his business trip?”
- “He is fine. He misses us too. He wasn’t very precise about his return. He
doesn’t know yet, but definitely after three months.”
- “Three months!?! That’s too much. I want to see him.”
- “I know… Dinner is ready. Do you want to eat?”
- “Yeah, I am starving.”
- “Wash your hands first.”
Hatsy obeyed. She had dinner, brushed her teeth and went to bed.
- “What was following us on the way here? I am sure I heard something.
What did Jordan tell me in the plains and turned red? And what is dad doing for so long in this trip. He has never told us.”
With these thoughts, Hatsy fell asleep.

..............

The following day, Thursday, Hatsy woke up on the wrong side of the bed. She had to go to school, but she was still very tired and she had a headache. She went downstairs to have breakfast.
- “Good morning Hatsy,” her mom told her cheerfully.
- “ ‘morning,” she replied quietely.
- “Are you okay honey? You don’t look very well.”
- “I have a terrible headache. I didn’t sleep well tonight.”
- “Do you have a high temperature,” asked her mom and touched Hatsy’s forehead. “Oh my, you are burning. Put a thermometer.”
Hatsy did so.
- “39,8 Celsius points! That’s it Hatsy. You are not going to school today. Go upstairs and sleep again.”
- “Thank you,” said Hatsy looking upwards.
- “Remember. I will go to work. If you need something, anything, phone me there and I will be here as soon as possible. Okay?”
- “Okay mom. Now may I go to sleep?”
- “Sure honey. I will be back at 2 o’clock.”
- “Bye,” said Hatsy waving at her mother.
She went upstairs again to her bed and fell asleep. But she hadn’t told the whole truth to her mother. Actually, she had a terrible nightmare. She was taking a stroll, when two red eyes appeared and glared at her. In the beginning, she ignored them, although they approached. Then, she paniced and started running. The pair of the eyes kept on chasing her. She ran, and ran, and ran. No matter how much she ran, the eyes were right behind her. Suddenly, everything turned dark and a burning house in a forest appeared. However, all the colours were much darker and different. Hatsy got trapped and started screaming. The next thing she could remember, she was awake. At first, she thought it was just a bad dream, but it felt so real and the first thing that came to her mind after waking up was the Eterna woods. There was something fishy going on, although she couldn’t figure out what.
A couple of hours later, she woke up. She felt much better. She put the thermometer. Her temperature had fallen to 37 Celsius points. Then, the telephone rang. Hatsy didn’t want to answer it. The phone rang once. It rang twice. The third time, Hatsy answered it.
- “Hatsy speaking. May I help you?”
- “I am waiting for you,” said a creepy voice.
- “Who is this,” asked Hatsy in terror.
- “Wait and see, little girl. Wait and see,” said the voice and put the phone down.
Hatsy slowly stepped away from the telephone.
- “This can’t be a coincidence. Something strange is going on here. I have to find out what,” she thought and put down the telephone.
In the afternoon, Hatsy was sitting on the couch watching television. Her mom had got back from work, but she didn’t tell her anything about the phone call. At 4 o’ clock, Jordan came by.
- “Hello missus Kate. Where is Hatsy,” he asked.
- “Hello Jordan. She is in the living room. She is watching TV,” answered Hatsy’s mother.
Jordan went to the living room.
- “Hey,” he said. “Are you okay Hatsy?”
- “Hi. I am fine. Just a little fever, that’s all.”
- “Did you receive a strange phone call today?” (7873)
- “Yes. How did you know it?”
- “Well, during the break, Chris, the boy who is sitting in front of you in the classroom, decided to pull a prank on you. So he phoned you and then said “she fell for it” and started laughing.”
- “It was only a prank? That’s a relief.”
- “Why? What did he tell you?”
- “Nothing. Nothing serious.”
- “So, I brought you everything we did today in class. If you need anything, phone me home. I have to leave because we have a lot of homework to do for tomorrow, plus we are writing a test in geometry.”
- “What? I had completely forgot about that. I have to start immediately. I guess I will be seeing you tomorrow.”
- “Bye.”
Jordan left. Hatsy run upstairs to start doing her homework.
- “So the phonecall was only a prank,” thought Hatsy. “I guess that horrible nightmare was just a random bad dream too. On second thought, there may be some decent pokemon in Eterna forest. That’s why I thought of it.”
By the evening, Hatsy had got over her illness. Like every other day, she had dinner, she brushed her teeth, and went to bed.
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Last edited by Team Pokemon; 07-25-2009 at 03:27 PM.
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  #2  
Old 12-28-2007, 08:17 AM
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Lightbulb Re: Hatsy, the forgotten hero

The next day Hatsy woke up early to be on time for school. She had her breakfast (cereal), she took a shower and got dressed. As soon as Jordan arrived, they left.
- “Where will we search today,” asked Jordan.
- “I was thinking of going to the woods,” answered Hatsy having in mind her last strange dream.
- “To the Eterna woods? It is said they are haunted.”
- “Relax. What’s the worst that could happen?”
- “Getting hunted down by ghosts.”
- “Oh, come on! These things are just superstitions.”
- “No they are not. But if you insist, we will go to the woods.”
- “Whatever. We will decide after school.”
Hatsy anticipated the whole day. Finally, at 3 o’clock, the bell rang.
- “Saved by the bell,” said their professer, as always.
- “At last! A whole weekend of action,” she said and left the classroom with Jordan.
- “How did you write,” asked Jordan.
- “Not very well. Was the answer to the last problem square root of two, divided by x plus 3,2?”
- “No. How did you find that? It was only 2,5. The exercise was relatively easy.”
- “I wasn’t very concentrated. I was thinking about the Porygon the other day and the Eterna woods.”
- “Now that you mentioned it, we can go to the Eterna forest, as long as you don’t do whatever comes to your mind.”
- “Sure. That’s no problem.”
- “I bet it won’t be,” murmured Jordan ironically.
After half an hour, they reached the forest. It was kind of dark, scary and romantic at the same time. The trees didn’t let much of the sun light come in. There were many flowers all over the place. It felt like they had entered another dimension. Jordan was a little scared by the scenery. Hatsy, on the other hand, liked it, but she had the feeling of being watched. Every so often, she stopped and scanned the area for any evidence. Twice, she thought she saw something blue, pink and shiny, although she couldn’t understand what. The third time, she was sure someone, or something, was following them. She inspected the area a little more carefully. To her surprise, she found the Porygon.
- “It’s you again. You will not escape this time.”
The Porygon, just like last time, fled.
- “You think you are playing huh? Well, guess what? The game has just began,” whispered Hatsy to herself and run after Porygon.
- “Hatsy wait,” shouted Jordan, but Hatsy was already to far. “Man! That girl can be so annoying,” he grumbled and followed. “Stop,” he shouted again.
Hatsy stopped.
- “Wow! For once you listened to me.”
- “What? I wasn’t paying attention. I lost the Porygon. I think it went in that old big house, said Hatsy pointing at an abandoned mansion. Let’s go in and find it.”
- “But Hatsy,” answered Jordan in fear. “This is the Old Chateau! It is said it is haunted.”
- “Chill out! Nothing bad is going to happen. Now hurry up.”
- “I don’t think it is a good idea. We should be extra careful.”
But Hatsy had already moved on, ignoring him.
Inside the Old Chateau, it was dark. The walls were gray, the furniture was covered with white sheets and there was a lot of dust. There were two storeys. On the ground floor was only one room, probably the dinning room. Hatsy open the entrance door slowly.
- “Hello? Is anybody here,” she yelled.
Nobody answered.
- “This place is creepy,” said Jordan.
- “Stop shivering! All we have to do is to find that Porygon and catch it. Then we will leave, okay? Besides, we may fall into another rare pokemon too. I don’t think there are common pokemon in here.”
- “Fine. But I have a bad feeling about this house.”
They entered the dinning room. In the middle, there was a huge wide table. There were dishes, forks, spoons, knives, glasses, even canddles on it. On the left was located the kitchen, while on the right a couple of bookselves.
- “There is nothing here Hatsy. Let’s look in another room.”
As they left, Hatsy felt something passing behind her.
- “What was that,” she asked and turned around to see.
- “What was what? There is nothing here! Hurry up! This place gives me the creep!”
They went on to the upper floor. There were three rooms. An empty one on the left, on the right another with two bookselves and the third one straight ahead, that led to five other rooms. Hatsy went to the left chamber and Jordan to the right one. Apart from a purple sticky cake thing she picked up, Hatsy didn’t find anything. Nor did Jordan. They entered the last room. (13195)
- “Did you find anything useful,” asked Hatsy.
- “Nope. Just a ton of books and a strange article from Daily Pokemon about a legend or something like that… I took the article because it seemed interesting, but everything else was just rubbish. How about you?”
- “Well, I found that yucky thing. What is it?”
- “It is an Old Gateau,” noticed Jordan excited.
- “What?”
- “The Old Gateau was the special recepe of the Old Chateaux’s owner. It is said it can cure any health problems. How cool is that?! I wonder how long it’s been there waiting for us.”
- “It seems like the owner left in a rush. This place is a mess, just like my room. But why,” asked Hatsy out of curiosity.
- “How should I know?!”
- “Whatever. Let’s split up now. You will go to the left, and I will go to the right.”
- “No way we split up. In horror movies, when a team splits up, someone always ends up being murdered.”
- “Not again! Just for ten minutes. If anything bad happens, yell.”
- “Okay…”
Hatsy entered the far right room. There wasn’t anything in it, it was empty. She carried on to the next room. There was a small, white, yellow and blue bed, a pink bookself and a strange purple portrait. A man with red vivid eyes was staring at Hatsy in despair, confusion and anger. Behind him, a forest was on fire, but the fire, instead of being red and orange, was black, very deeply blue and deadly red. From far, it seemed to be dark purple, just like the sky. When she saw that painting, Hatsy felt a wave of melancoly, sadness and pain, like in a requiem.
- “What is this painting? That house seems so familiar,” she wondered and approached. “Oh my god! It is just like the one in my dream!”
Hatsy realised that was no place for her to stay, but something in that painting was lurring her. Suddenly, a Duskull came out of the portait. It’s eyes were vividly red, just like the painted man’s. Hatsy tried to run, but she tripped. The Duskull was going straight for her. She let a desperate cry for help. Then, out of nowhere, a beam hit the Duskull. Hatsy turned around, searching where it could have possibly come from. It was the Porygon. Hatsy stood up.
- “Thank you,” she said to the Porygon. “Now, let’s give that Duskull a lesson.”
The Porygon nodded happily and got ready for a battle.
- “Okay Porygon. Use sharpen and then tackle!”
The Porygon concentrated. Its body shone and started changing, becoming more pointy. Then, it charged at the Duskull. However, it passed right through it and hit on the wall. The Duskull laughed in an evil way.
- “Stupid, stupid, stupid,” said Hatsy to herself. “Normal type moves don’t affect Ghost types. I have to find a new strategy. What moves could a low level Porygon know? Conversion, Conversion 2, Tackle, Sharpen, Psybeam and maybe Agility, I guess. Alright Porygon,” she turned to Porygon. “Sorry about that. Now use Psybeam.”
The Porygon concentrared again. Meanwhile, the Duskull was staring at the Porygon. To Hatsy’s surprise, the Porygon couldn’t use the move. It’s head was glowing, proof that it was ready to use it, but the beam wouldn’t appear. Soon, it could not even move. The Duskull took advantage of the Porygon’s immobility. With one move, it turned the whole room black, black like it was a dark night. The man’s red eyes in the painting had turned viciously red. The Porygon seemed to be in pain. Hatsy was very frightened.
- “Duskull used Disable and is now using Night Shade. I have to do something. I have to cure the Porygon’s paralysis. But how?”
Hatsy was in deep thought, trying to remember a cure for the Porygon’s status problem.
- “The Old Gateau,” she said delighted. “It can cure any health problems. At least, that’s what Jordan said before. I hope he was right.”
She took the Old Gateau out of her bag. She run to the Porygon and gave it a piece of it. The Porygon swallowed the piece of the Old Gateau and fortunately regained mobility.
- “Hooray,” said Hatsy happily. “Come on Porygon. There is still a battle going. Use agility.”
The artificial pokemon obeyed. It closed its eyes and relaxed. Then, having opened its eyes, it went out of sight. Both Hatsy and the Duskull were confused, not being able to find the Porygon. Hatsy realised it was too quick to be seen.
- “Use Psybeam Porygon,” said Hatsy.
Out of nowhere, the Porygon appeared behind the Duskull. Its head started glowing again, until it unleashed the same beam that saved Hatsy before. The Duskull was powerfully hit at the back and was launched a couple of meters away.
- “Do the same,” ordered Hatsy.
The Porygon disappeared. It went behind the Duskull again and successflully attacked using Psybeam. The Duskull sustained severe damage. It was getting tired. It stood up and slightly closed its eyes. It seemed like it was looking into the futur.
- “Once more Porygon,” commanded Hatsy.
The Porygon began moving. But it couldn’t run as quickly as before. In the mean time, the Duskull angrily glanced at the Porygon. The Porygon got scared and paniced, letting itself uprotected against the Duskull.
- “Foresight and leer! This Duskull is clever. This battle has to end now. Porygon,” she said to the man made pokemon, “use Psybeam.”
The beam was shot. Unfortunately, the Duskull evaded the attack. Then, it shot a slow, narrow, dazzling ray. Seeing that ray, the Porygon got baffled and lost its orientation. It started hurting itself and falling on objects. Hatsy understood that the Duskull’s last move was Confuse Ray. She tried to give to the Porygon a piece of the Old Gateau, but she couldn’t approach it, being afraid of it attacking her in its confusion.
- “I have no other option,” she thought. “The Porygon is exhausted. We must defeat the Duskull now. Porygon,” she said again, “use Psybeam.”
She crossed her fingers. Fortunately, the Porygon managed to attack. The beam stroke the Duskull, making it faint. Nevertheless, Porygon was still confused and hurted itself. Consequently, it collapsed too. Both pokemon were down.
- “This is my chance to catch my first two pokemon.”
Hatsy threw a poke ball to each pokemon. The two white and red spheres bumped on them and opened, sucking them in. They fell on the floor trembling, moving and rolling. They moved once. They moved twice. Hatsy was watching anxiously.


Number of words: 20112
Target: Duskull and Porygon
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Last edited by Team Pokemon; 03-02-2008 at 09:58 AM.
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  #3  
Old 12-28-2007, 02:25 PM
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Default Re: Hatsy, the forgotten hero

Introduction: Your introduction tells us all about Hatsy. I liked the detail about how she got her name- very cute. However, this information is basically just listed. In the future, try to integrate this into the story, instead of putting all the information togethor right at the beginning. For example, you could describe her hair by mentioning that she pushed a bit of it out of her face, or her clothing as she gets up and dressed in the morning.

You also might want to give your character a few flaws. ^^; No one can be kind, selfless, and persistant 100% of the time... We all have bad days, or pet peeves that may drive us to be a little rude for once. I did notice that you mentioned that Hatsy could occaisonally be rude or annoying, but actions are really what dictate how we see your character, so if this is part of her personality, try to show it occaisonally in your story.


Plot: Girl and her friend miss a chance at a Pokemon, and try to get their own. Girl gets sick, gets better, falls for a prank, goes in a haunted house, and finds a Pokemon- or two.
This is a good plot, with plenty of surprises. =) Good job.


Length: 20K. Duskull are Medium, and require 10-20K. Porygon are Demanding, and take 40-55K of writing. ^^; This story is 10K more than you need for a Duskull, but still quite a bit below what's expected for a Porygon. There's a list, actually, of the difficulty of all the Pokemon at URPG and how much is (generally) expected to be written for each. http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/foru...ead.php?t=8445 Just scroll down in this thread. ^_^ Generally, you should try to write at least teh minimum expected for each Pokemon.


Grammar/style: Your writing style incorporated some interesting turns of plot. ^_^ You did have a few grammar issues. I didn't take off much for them, since this appears to be your first story (Correct me here if I'm wrong!), but I have detailed a few of them below so you'll know for next time.

Quote:
Taking a quick look in her messy, rather small room, Hatsy finally found her shirt and run down the stairs.
In this sentence, you sort of changed the time mid-sentence. Hatsy 'found' her shirt- past tense. 'run' down the stairs would be current. To keep the sentence in the same tense, you might want to say she ran down the stairs. Or, 'after Hatsy found her shirt, she started running down the stairs'.

On little thing- and this was purely stylistic- is the symbols you put before dialogue.
Quote:
- “Are you ready honey? Jordan is waiting.”
- aren't really needed. ^^;

Quote:
Jordan was her best friend, living right next door. With black short hair and deep blue eyes, he was a little taller than Hatsy. Like most days, he was wearing a black shirt, a pair of blue jeans and a pair of black shoes. He loved being sarcastic. He was mature and thought before saying anything. He always used his logic, although was a little superstitious. He was also in love with Hatsy, but too shy to express his feelings to her.
Again, you put all your description in one place. Also, you told us his personality, instead of showing us. He's sarcastic? Have him make a few wisecracks about something. If he's mature and thinks before talking, show that. When he talks, describe it. Maybe Jordan appears to pause for a moment after listening to something, before answering with carefully planned words?

Another thing I'd suggest is easing into showing that he's in love. Crushes can be a little plot twist in a story, or add some interest. ^_^


Quote:
Jordan and Hatsy arrive at the plains. The area was green, full of colourful flowers.
Again, you change time in places where it doesn't quite fit. ^^; They arrive, present tense... Then the area 'was', past tense. You might want to change was to is... Or just changed the first sentence to say they arrived.


Quote:
- “Okay mom. Now may I go to sleep?”
Overall, your grammar mistakes were very minor. I've noticed that some of your dialogue reads a little awkwardly, however. ^^; Kids don't usually talk like this. If Hatsy does, that's okay, but all the characters have very similar, somewhat formal speech patterns, so try to vary it a little.


Battle:
The battle was the strongest part of you story. =) You did an excellent job. Your attacks were varied and described. I liked the mistake with normal moves not hitting ghosts- it made your character seem more realistic. The only thing I could find to suggest next time was to include sounds. What did it sound like, when the beam hit Duskull? Or when the ghost phased through the wall?



Result: Aside from a few grammar mistakes, this was a good story. The battle was particularly vivid and strong, and fun to read about. However, this story is really only long enough for a Duskull, not Porygon as well... If you were only 5K short or so, that would be okay, but you're about 35K short of a Porygon. ^^; So, Duskull captured, Porygon not captured.
__________________

My hands have yet to build a village, have yet to find water in the barren desert, have yet to plant a flower, and I have yet to find the path that leads me... I have not loved enough, but the wind and the sun are still on my face.



I have yet to sow green fields, yet to raise a city, yet to plant a grapevine on each chalky hill... There is so much to build and so much to be, and my love is just beginning.

Last edited by FireflyK; 12-28-2007 at 02:50 PM.
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