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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 01-01-2008, 12:51 AM
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Default Journey of a Trainer (Winter Story Competition)

The Journey of a Trainer- Part One(Trials and Errors)



Lynn was leaning out of the window, her long brown hair flowing in the early morning wind as she gazed out in the waves with her big brown eyes. She had just turned fourteen, and in the Oboliostioloriot (oh- bool- eey-oh-stio-loh-ree-aut) archipelago region this was the age at which a young child left home on their journey.

Lynn sighed, and ran her long, thin had through her hair. Which Pokemon would she choose? In the Oboliostiooloriot Region you could start out with either a: Shroomish, Houndour, or a Staryu. She knew that she would never pick Houndour. It seemed much to evil for her. Those dark, cold eyes were too much for her. She shivered to think about it. Staryu was a little weird for her to. It had no face! But then again, whe’d much rather take it then a weird old Houndour. Then she’d pick Shroomish. Yes, that sounded right. A cute little mushroom would be right.

Lynn smiled, having found out the Pokemon that she would be picking. The sun was over the horizon now. She would have to get to Professor Cedar’s home quickly, so she would be able to get that Shroomish.

She leapt off the windowsill, and changed into a light, blue tank top, and red mini-skirt, (It got incredibly hot in the Oboliostioloriot Region), and raced down stairs.

“Bye Mom,” she yelled, as she grabbed the backpack that was hung on the back of the dining room chair, and raced out the door. She stopped out on the front porch. The sun was now directly in front of her house. She held up a hand to block the sun, a looked out across the lawn, and spotted what she was looking for; a red bicycle propped up against the side of a white picket fence.

“There!” she muttered to herself, as she walked up to the bike, and tossed her backpack into the basket in the front of the bike, went to get on the seat. Unfortunately there was something already sitting there.

It was a brown little Pokemon that looked sort of like a mushroom. It had green spots, and cute little green feet.

“A Shroomish!” whispered Lynn. She raised her voice, “Hey there little guy! You’re such a cute little fella!” She stroked his head. “Do you want to co-,“ she began, but she was interrupted.

“Oi!” said a voice from behind her, “Get away from my Shroom!”

Lynn whirled around, to see who the intruder was. It was a very short, very fat boy. His stomach stuck out of his tiny striped shirt. Hr had a patch of blonde, greasy hair stuck out from underneath a red baseball cap. Lynn knew who this was; it was Sampson, her large, immature, annoying, snobbish, ugly, freaky neighbor. (She didn’t really like him that much).

Sampson snorted. “Like it? Got it this morning. That nutcase said that he on’y got two more left.” He cackled and grabbed the Shroomish, and began walking away. “Stop running away from me,” he scolded.

Lynn leapt onto her bike. “Two left only!” she muttered to herself as she pedaled out of her yard. “I’ve got to get there fast!”

She began to pedal around the large island that she and the Professor lived on. It was called Lopefs. Lopefs was large and oddly shaped. From above people said it looked like a large branch from a palm tree. The large mountains formed rivers that flowed down into the ocean. These rivers split up the island into many leaf like section. The island itself was a tropical. Palm trees, and rainforests covered the entire landscape.

Lynn, pedaled quickly trough this beautiful landscape. The water on her right was turquoise blue and the plants on her left were green and lush. It was almost 11:00 AM when she finally pedaled into the small town of Elub-Nerge, where the professor lived. She was stopped bye a guard at the front gate. They asked for a small toll and let her in the town. She quickly turned on the first street, to the left and saw the large white building that was the Professor’s laboratory. Lynn grinned, and continued.

She leaned her bike against the side of the building, and raced inside. The first room was nearly empty. There was a large window covering the opposite wall, a small desk with a computer with a picture of Pokemon. The tall, thin old man was in the center of the room, next to a complicated machine and a boy that Lynn had met at the beach. His name was Alejandro. He was tall and dark, with shoulder length dark-brown hair, and dreamy blue eyes. He was wearing a yellow Hawaiian shirt and red board shorts.

As he turned to walk back towards the door with a Pokeball in his hand he caught sight of Lynn, and waved. Lynn blushed. “I got a Staryu!” he said happily as he walked out.

She blushed more. Lynn wanted to say something to impress him, but whatever it was got lost on the way to her mouth. Instead she murmured softly, “C-c-cool.”

“Thanks!” he said, as he thrust the hair out his eyes, “I’ll be seeing you ‘round.”

“I guess,” she muttered quietly.

Alejandro left the building, and Lynn walked up to the old man who stood by the machine. He was almost completely bald except for two tufts of hair behind his ears, and his large bushy, eyebrows. Both were white. He had a large round nose, and small specs, that lay in front of his large, kind blue eyes. There was a large silver machine in front of him with three red and white Pokeballs , the size of grapefruit, laying in small indents in the machine.

“So,” he said in an Irish accented voice, “Which Pokemon shall I give ta you today lassy?”

“This was it!” she thought excitedly, “She was finally going to get her Pokemon!”

“Sh-shroomish please, “she said nervously.

“All Righty then!” he said enthusiastically. He picked up the middle Pokeball, and pressed the silver button in the center. It exploded with light and flooded the entire room with it for half a second. When it cleared a large orange star hovered in the center of the room. It had a shiny red gem in the center of its body.

“Oops!” said the professor chuckling, “Wrong Pokeball!” He left the Staryu floating in the middle of the room and picked up the one on the left, and pressed the button again.

The same light blasted out of the Pokeball and cleared, this time leaving a Pokemon that looked identical to the one that she found sitting on her bike earlier this morning, on the clean tiled ground.

The professor smiled, and Lynn bent down to pick up her new Pokemon. “You’re a cute little fella!” she said happily outstretching her arms to pick it up. The mushroom wobbled slowly towards Lynn. When it was about an inch away from Lynn’s out stretched hand, the floating Staryu caught sight of it. Alarmed at the sight of a Grass Pokemon so close to it, it panicked and blasted star shaped rays of energy at it. They exploded as they hit the ground leaving small holes in the floor.

Shroomish yelped, and began to run away from it, with Staryu chasing after it. It hoped on the chair as the stars exploded around it. Then it leapt up onto the desk, and then the computer, leaving both the chair and the desk badly singed.

The tiny mushroom lowered its head and jumped at the Staryu as more and more star flew out of the red gen on it. One hit the computer, and it exploded. Smoke and the Professor’s and Lynn’s yells filled the room. Seconds later the sound of broking glass joined the yells, and the billowing smoke flew out of the now open window. Both Pokemon were gone, and a fire had started on the desk.

Coughing and sputtering the Professor picked himself up off the ground and snatched the last Pokeball and thrusted it at Lynn.

“Take it!” he snarled angrily, “And leave! I’m going to go find a telephone!” He stormed out of the room red-faced and fuming, muttering, “Never in all my time as Pokemon Professor…”

Lynn dashed out of the room, grabbed her bike and pedaled down the street a bit. She heard sirens of the Fire-Squirtle-Trucks blaring as they came to investigate the smoke. Lynn tuned into an alley, and stopped. She needed a break. When she but her hand on her chest she felt her heart pounding rapidly. The last Pokeball was clutched in her hand. She sighed, and pressed the button in the center. As the lights shined out from the ball Lynn murmured to herself, “This better be a Shroomish.”

It wasn’t. Standing in front of her was a red and black dog, with large white bones on top of its head and shiny white teeth protruding out from its mouth. Lynn groaned, and put her face in her hand. The dark Houndour barked loudly. It was not a happy bark, but a cold bark that made the hairs on the back Lynns neck stand up. She shivered.

Suddenly someone burst into the alleyway. Lynn’s head swung up at breakneck speed. It was Alejandro. His hair wasn’t as windswept as normal and his eyes were wide. He was sputtering. “Lynn! What happened! I was walking down the street and there was an explosion and then I saw smoke and the, the Fire-Squirtles came and I remembered that you were there, so I came back and then I heard a bark and came here to see, and found you; are you OK?” He said it all very fast.

“Yeah, I think so,” Lynn said weakly, rubbing her neck.

Alejandro breathed a sigh of relief. “That’s great, cause for a second there I was getting rea-“.He stopped abruptly, and looked at his feat. Lynn’s Houndour was there, sniffing Alejandro’s shoes with his little black nose. Then he lifted his head turned around, and lifted one of his legs.

“No, no, no, no, NO!” yelled Lynn. She picking up the red and white ball next to her and threw it at the dog angrily. “Stupid dog!” she yelled again, as the Pokeball turned the dog into red light, and sucked it up before it could begin.

“Sorry about that,” she said quietly.

“Yeah, well, glad to hear that your fine. See you around,” he said, and walked.

Lynn grumbled angrily, and meandered out of the alleyway. Now that she had a Pokemon, what would she do? Her father had told about other cities on Lopefs that he had visited. Her father was an explorer. It had seemed that he had seen everything on the island. He was very funny and kind, but rash and tough. He loved seeing new places.

Yet he never came back after the last one, and that was seven years ago. He had gone to a remote uncharted island, called Thogys, to see what kind of Pokemon lived their, and to se if he liked to sail. The island was only twenty miles off the shore of Elub-Nerge, and not very big.

Maybe she’d go there. How would she get there? There were no boats that went there. Her father had gone a swimming Pokemon. He called it a Floatzel. It was an orange weasel-like thing with a pair of large, powerful arms with webbed hands and feet. She hardly remembered it but she knew that it was a fun and gentle Pokemon, that she remembered riding on him.

As she walked on, Lynn realized that these memories still did not tell her where she would go. She suddenly heard a voice from behind her as he walked down an empty street at the edge on Elub-Nerge. She whirled around to see who it was. It was Sampson.

He guffawed stupidly. “So, I heard you like Shroomish?” he said, and chuckled some more. “But ya didn’t get one, did ya! And now you’re moping down here!” He screamed with mirth.

“How did you know that?” said Lynn slowly.

“I got my sources,” he said mysteriously, “Anyways what are you gonna do now that you got a Pokemon?”

Lynn said slowly, “I gonna go to the, the, the –“

Sampson interrupted. “Ha, HA! I knew you couldn’t do nothin’! You not gonna do nothin’. I’m gonna got the Western Jungle! They say that they’ve got a bunch of Pokemon there. That other guy said that, that runaway Staryu and Shroomish are there! I’m gonna go get it, while you sit here moping, loser!”

As he waddled away, Lynn was fuming. “I’m gonna get there first!” she said to herself. Then she groaned. She had forgotten her bike at the alleyway by the lab. It was either roped off, or burnt by now. She started running after Sampson. She took a different route. It took her about an hour to get there.

Unlike the loud, bright city, the Western Jungle was dark and quiet. There were no living creatures as far as Lynn could see. No noise sounded except for her foot steps, and a soft, creepy hum. Everything around her was lush and green. There was every king of tree imaginable. From colorful orchids, to large lush green palm trees, to yellow and green banana trees, every single kind of tropical plant or tree imaginable was here.

There was no sign of that Shroomish. She heard a rustle behind her as the hum grew steadily and steadily louder. She shivered again and began to jog along the small dirt path, breathing heavily. Then the monstrous humming thing burst through the trees behind Lynn. She screamed and began to run as fast as she could. She stole a quick look at her followers.

Behind her was a massive swarm of huge bug Pokeomn. Purple Venomoth, yellow and black Beedrill, and long lipped Beautifly, all flying straight at her. “What did I do?!” She screamed as she tripped over an outstretched tree root. She screamed again and her backpack of supplies flew off her back. Her Pokeball rolled out of it and came to a stop by a rock a couple yards a way. The bugs closed in on her as she screamed some more.

Suddenly, the Pokeball exploded with light blinding the bugs. They slowed down, giving Lynn enough time to jump to her feet. Houndour was standing in front of the massive cloud of bugs. A low growl escaped it. The bugs changed course and swarmed at it. Houndour roared, and blasted out a stream of white hot flames from his mouth, smashing into the wall of bugs, singing, and searing them.

Row after row of bug smashed into the flames and flew off into the jungle. Soon they had all gone, and Houndour stopped firing flames. He staggered out towards to a tree. He sank to his knees, breathing heavily, and leaned on the tree.

Lynn didn’t do anything. Her tanned knees and elbows were scraped and dirty, and she had bit a lip. She stared at Houndour. She walked over and sat down next to him. “I didn’t know something like you would do something like that,” she whispered, stroked his head fondly, and fell a sleep.
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Last edited by Leman; 01-19-2008 at 07:55 PM.
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  #2  
Old 01-01-2008, 12:53 AM
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Default Re: Journey of a Trainer (Winter Story Competition)

She awoke to the soft splashing of a nearby waterfall. Her Houndour was still asleep on her shoulder. She smiled at it, and pressed the button on the Pokeball at her feet. Houndour turned into red light and was sucked into her Pokeball. She stuck it in her backpack and continued back on the trail. As she continued along the trail she did not find anybody, or anything.

As she continued, more and more brush covered the path; so much so that eventually she had to push massive leaves out her way to pass. After pushing off one particularly large leaf out from in front of her face, a large amount of steam rushed at her face. When it cleared a large pool of water in brown clay lay in the center of the clearing. A steady stream of steam was rising from the center.

Lynn glanced at her scraped, dirty knees, and elbows, kicked off her shoes, and slipped her feet in. I wasn’t very deep, but it was soothingly warm. Lynn grinned and sat down on the edge of the water. It was amazingly soothing and warm, and felt good against her skin. She glanced at the backpack that she had tossed carelessly on the ground.

Her Houndour was in that bag. “I like that little dog,” she thought, “Especially after that bug incident.” Previously Lynn had no idea that Dark Pokemon had any kindness in them. “After all, they were Dark Pokemon,” she thought.

Soon after Lynn hoped out of the pool, put her shoes back on, and resumed her search for the Shroomish. She didn’t have to search long. At about noon, Lynn stumbled in a small clearing. It wasn’t empty. A small brown and green mushroom like Pokemon and a green worm-like one were staring at each other with intense force, it seemed as though they had lasers coming out of her eyes.

“Shroomish, Tackle!” yelled a voice from across the clearing. Sampson was waddling into the clearing, shouting orders to his Pokemon. Shroomish bellowed and lunged at the worm. The worm shot a thin sting at the ground, blowing it backwards, and out of the way of the tackle attack.

“Again!” shouted Sampson. Shroomish lunged at the worm again. It shot another string at the ground, pushing himself out of the way again. Shroomish hit the tree, with full force. The entire tree shook, and Shroomish was unsteady on its feet. The worm lashed out at the mushroom with his tail. Shroomish grunted, spun around, and fell over.

“Arrg!” roared Sampson, “Energy Ball attack!” Shroomish quickly regained balance, and opened its small, pink mouth. A small green ball formed in it and it grew larger and larger, until it was too large to hold. It let go and launched the ball at the worm again. It tumbled backwards.

“Ya ha ha! Headbutt attack!” said Sampson loudly. Shroomish leapt up into the air and crashed down on top of the small bug. It screeched loudly, twitched and fell still. Sampson picked up a Pokeball out of his pocket and tossed it at the small bug. The ball wiggled, with the button lit up. After four wiggles it stopped and Sampson picked it up.

“He, he, he. I gotcha!” said Sampson happily as he picked up the ball and recalled his Sroomish, “So, Lynn how many Pokemon do you have? One?”

“Yes,” She whispered quietly.

“HA HA!” screeched Sampson. “I knew it. You’re too much of a loser to get more than one.”

“Shut up ,” she said quietly.

Sampson spat on the ground and laughed again. “I’ve got an Aipom, a Caterpie, and a Spearow. And Shroomish. See that’s five more than you.”

Lynn snorted. “Well, at least mine doesn’t stink!” she murmured.

Sampson opened his mouth to retort, but suddenly a pair of orange blurs sailed out from their left. Lynn ducked instinctively, but Sampson was too fat and slow. The orange thing smashed into his overlarge head, like a boomerang, and he flew to a ground with a thud. He rubbed his head, and groaned. The orange blur stopped, and Lynn saw what it was. It was a Staryu.

Suddenly another blur of orange flew out from the forest, and Alejandro burst out behind it.

“Staryu, Take Down!” he yelled.

The first Staryu launched a blast of star shaped rays at the incoming blur. They made contact, exploded and the second Staryu sailed into the ground.

Alejandro groaned. “There’s a reward for that guy!” he said.

Sampson grinned. “A great reason fore me to catch it!” he said, taking one of the Pokeballs on his belt and throwing it into the ground. There was the familiar explosion of light and Sampson’s small Shroomish stood in clearing.

“I can’t let that stupid thing outdo me!” Lynn thought to herself. She reached into her backpack and pulled out the small round, red and white ball, and tossed it. More brilliant light showered into the clearing. Houndour stood ready for battle, growling menacingly at the other two Pokemon.

“Headbutt attack!” yelled Sampson commandingly, as Lynn said calmly, “Flamethrower. Hit ’em both!”

Shroomish lunged at the floating star, as Houndour roared and let loose a blast of white-hot at both of them. Stayu whirled out of the way of Shroomish’s large head and into the path of the fire. Shroomish hit opposite tree; acorns dropped down as it shook. Yellow stars flew out of its bright red core, into the line of fire (literally). They collided and exploded Houndour flew backwards, Staryu was thrown to the ground, and the acorns turned into popcorn. Staryu spiraled right back up into the air, like a propeller, high above both battlers.

“Again!” yelled both Sampson and Lynn at the same time.

Houndour tilted his black and red head back, and let loose and other stream of searing flames. It twirled out of the blast again and flew downwards, slices branches out of way, as if it was a razor. They caught fire and sailed towards the tiny mushroom. He rolled out of the way, and then lunged at spinning star. It smashed into its back and Staryu sailed into a tree.

“Energy Ball it!” roared Sampson, triumph etched in every syllable of his voice.

Shroomish opened its mouth, as a small green ball formed and rapidly expanded. Before he had finished, Lynn said loudly, “Houndour don’t let it finish! Take Down it!”

Houndour growled and charged at the unsuspecting mushroom, knocking it off its tiny feet, throwing it backwards, on top of a blazing branch. It howled in pain rolled off, groaning. A shiny black burn mark was visible on its spotted back. Sampson roared angrily.

Suddenly rays of energy shaped like stars rained down for above.

“That Staryu’s back up in the air!” said Alejandro who had been watching from the sidelines.

It was and launching the rays at Shroomish. It was thrown backwards on its back. Staryu spiraled down again, and slammed into Shroomish before it could react. He spiraled into the air, was launched into the trees.

“Noooooooooooooo!” yelled as he waddled off into the jungle, cursing to find his mushroom.

“Yes!” said Lynn happily, “Crunch Attack now, Houndy!”

Houndour gave off a low growl, and then a roar, as he bounded up to the star from behind. It didn’t have enough time to react, and Houndour’s sharp teeth sank into one of its orange arms. The gem in the center glowed bright red, as if to signal it pain and alarm. Houndour spun around and slammed it, gem-first into a large tree. The was a sickening thud, and crashing noise, like a hammer going through a window, and Staryu slid down the tree, flopped over onto its back.

The gem in the center was completely shattered, and broken. One of the piece was lodged in one of it arms. Another was full of Houndour’s teeth-marks. It lifted the other three a bit off the ground. Houndour yelped, and fired off a quick blast off flames at it, and it lay still, with burn makes on it as well.

“That looks bad,” whispered Alejandro. He turned to Lynn, who had not done anything; she just starred at the Staryu. “It needs help. Well, why aren’t you taking out a Pokeball yet?!” he demanded.

She did not have any. Lynn groaned. “I don’t have any,” she whispered. “I know. I’m and idiot!”

“Yeah, you are,” said Alejandro unhelpfully. He reached into his pocket and took one out, and tossed it to her. “Well, now what are you waiting for?”

Lynn said nothing, but tossed the ball at the wounded Pokemon.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Staryu
Characters: 22, 637
Required: 20-30K


Yeah, I know it's a typical/not very original storyline, and a bit rushed, but I had to finish it today. Damn Super Mario Galaxy for making procrastinate. D:
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  #3  
Old 01-01-2008, 05:42 PM
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Default Re: Journey of a Trainer (Winter Story Competition)

Introduction: You include a setting, and enough information about your character. I’d suggest putting a little note before your story with your region’s pronounciation, though. Author’s notes in the middle of a story can interrupt the flow.

Anyway, does everyone in the region, or just the city your character is from, get the same three choices? Is there only one Pokemon provider in Oboliostioloriot, or are there several who all agree on the starters? ^^:


Plot: A girl decides on a Pokemon, then sees her rival. After a minor disaster, she ends up stuck with a Pokemon she’s not really very fond of. Later, she finds her rival again, and a Staryu.

This was a good plot for a Staryu. I liked how you interjected a rather unpleasant rival, giving your character motivation to do well. Also, having the Houndour prove himself was a good way to help her learn to deal with getting a Pokemon she didn’t really want.

When Lynn panicked because there were only two Shroomish left, I was a bit confused. If there are enough new trainers getting a Pokemon that day for her to worry that two won’t be enough, why doesn’t she come across any of the other trainers, except her nasty neighbor?


Grammar: Try to run a spell check next time. ^^: I noticed several typos.

Quote:
Lynn sighed, and ran her long, thin hand through her hair.
Which body part are you describing as long and thin… Her hand, or her hair? You did also describe her hair as long a paragraph ago, so try to vary your adjectives a little. Long doesn’t really show us much about her, hair in particular. Is her hair curly? Straight? Wavy? Frizzy? Does she have it layered, or cut to frame her face? There’s a lot of very different long-hair styles… And lengths. ‘Long’ hair could be past her shoulders, to mid back, or past her butt.

Quote:
“There!” she muttered to herself, as she walked up to the bike, and tossed her backpack into the basket in the front of the bike, went to get on the seat.
This sentence should be broken up, or compacted a little. ^^; You have her doing lots of actions in the same sentence.

Quote:
Lynn knew who this was; it was Sampson, her large, immature, annoying, snobbish, ugly, freaky neighbor. (She didn’t really like him that much).
Description is good, but try not to just list adjectives. ^^: Spread them out a little. Also, don’t tell the reader… Show us. If you really want us to know that Lynn hates Sampson, don’t use parenthesis, have her thinking about how much she dislikes him. Or use facial expressions- perhaps she wrinkles her nose, or curls her lips back in disgust.

Quote:
I know. I’m and idiot!”
An. ^^: You can use ‘a’ or ‘an’, but in this instance, not and.


Details:
Quote:
“I didn’t know something like you would do something like that,” she whispered, stroked his head fondly, and fell a sleep.
So, after being attacked in a seemingly dangerous area by many, many bugs… Your character just sits down and goes to sleep? ^_~ I had a little trouble with believing this part… Why would someone who’d just been attacked go to sleep in the same spot, instead of finding somewhere safer?



Battle: This was a strong part of your story. Having a battle with multiple people involved is a bit chaotic, but you did a good job of writing it. You also remembered to include details aside from just sight, which was excellent, as so many people forget!

Quote:
The was a sickening thud, and crashing noise, like a hammer going through a window, and Staryu slid down the tree, flopped over onto its back.
This was a very good part of the battle- very descriptive. =) A hammer going through a window would not sound so good.

Result: Staryu captured!
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My hands have yet to build a village, have yet to find water in the barren desert, have yet to plant a flower, and I have yet to find the path that leads me... I have not loved enough, but the wind and the sun are still on my face.



I have yet to sow green fields, yet to raise a city, yet to plant a grapevine on each chalky hill... There is so much to build and so much to be, and my love is just beginning.

Last edited by FireflyK; 01-01-2008 at 08:36 PM.
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Old 01-15-2008, 02:09 AM
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Default Re: Journey of a Trainer (Winter Story Competition)

D: I forgot to post to say thanks, so....thanks. :D

The Journey of a Trainer: Part One:Trials and Errors (continued)


Lynn stared down at the small round ball as it wobbled on top of the grass. A light shined from the small white button glowed red. One, two three, four times it wiggled, and suddenly, it stopped. Lynn leaned down picked up the ball.

“So now where do we take it?” she asked, “Elub-Nerge is so far away! It will take all day to get there!”

“There’s a village not too far from here,” suggested Alejandro, “I was there this morning.”

Lynn nodded and put the Pokeball with her new star Pokemon in her back, and took out another identical one. She pointed it at the black and red do, pressed the button. Houndour turned into red light, and zoomed back into the center button of the ball. She out it back in her bag, and followed Alejandro into the jungle.

As they ran through the humid jungle, along a small path, they noticed the trees getting farther and farther apart. So much so that the sunlight streamed through the canopy, and there were small low growing plants near the ground. The space in between the trees was slowly replaced with small farms. Some grew rice, and others had vegetables like carrots and lettuce.

Soon the farms were further replaced by small huts. The sun could be seen above the thin canopy of green, the sky was a brilliant dark red like the inside of a grapefruit. Lynn was gazing at it, mesmerized, when a low, deep, authoritative voice interrupted her.

“State your business here,” said a tall, thick, robust man holding a long spear. He was wearing a green and black, loose fitting shirt, and pants. Next to him was a smaller man, who resembled a hairless chimpanzee, with long arms. He wore the same suit as the first, and held the same spear. His eyes, however, were red and bloodshot. They were not focused, and staring in opposite direction. Lynn shuddered.

She glanced at the ground to see a small wooden bridge that crossed a raging river, filled with crystal clear blue water. Lynn was able to see that it was extremely deep, and filled with brightly colored orange and black fish.

“State your business here,” repeated the first man, more urgently this time.

“We are here to see the medicine man,” said Alejandro confidently.

“Yeah,” added Lynn nervously

The second man pounced suddenly, saying loudly, “Ah you’re assassins! Aha I found them out! You want to kill ‘em don’t you!?! Hmm? Hmm? HMM?” he stared Lynn down, his nose an inch away from Lynn’s. His breath smelled like stale ale.*

“N-no we weren’t! Honest!“ said Lynn hurriedly.

“I cannot let you in,” said the first man firmly.

Lynn’s hart sank. “But my Staryu needs care!” she said anxiously.

“Why not?!” yelled Alejandro, “I got in yesterday!”

The first guard sighed, pulled the second man away from Lynn, and said, emotionlessly, “Yesterday, there had not been an attempt on his life.”

The two said nothing for a couple seconds. After that, Alejandro murmured, “Oh”

The guard continued, “However, if you two can prove your innocence by helping my out, I will let you pass.”

Lynn’s spirits rose again. “Really?” she said, “What do you want?”

“Nothing much,” he answered. He pointed down a second path. “Keep goin’ down that path and you will find a large house, with a large Mango tree. The largest in the world! Recently something has moved in, and it is eating all the mangos! I would like you to take care of it for me, and I will let you pass. In fact, I’ll even give you a Pokeball.”

He handed the orange-sized red and white ball to Lynn.

“But come back without that scoundrel up there we’ll skin ya alive!” screeched the chimp-man suddenly brandishing his spear. Then he fell back laughing insanely. The first guard jabbed him in the stomach with the blunt side of his spear.

“Do not listen to him,” he muttered. “Good luck.”

Lynn turned and went down the path. Alejandro followed muttering darkly.

The path was short, and nearly exactly the same as the previous paths, with the similar trees on one side and the clear, blue river on the other. There was no way to cross it. However in almost no time at all they arrived at a small clearing, in a spot that the river snaked around.

In the center was a massive tree, deep green in color, standing in the middle. It was a full fourty-five meters tall, with skinny little leaves, that looked damp from a earlier rain. It was littered with some small, yellow flowers. The two started at it for a while, in silence.

Alejandro however, soon broke that silence. “I don’t see it,” he said frowning.

Lynn knew he was referring to the mango bandit that they had to come back with to get in the village.

Lynn thought for a second. Suddenly a light bulb clicked on inside her head. She tossed the Pokeball with her red and black dog in it. It exploded with a flash of light, and the Houndour stood there. He barked loudly.

“Can Staryu still fight?” she asked Alejandro.

“Yeah, I gave it an Oran Berry** I found, so I should be OK,” he replied.\

Lynn grinned. “Then bring it out!” she said.

Alejandro frowned. “Lynn, I don’t see where you’re going with th-,“ he began but Lynn interrupted him.

“Come on!” she said impatiently.

He shrugged and tossed the ball. With another flash of blinding white light the brownish star hovered in front of them. Houndour instinctively took a step back and glared at it, but didn’t attack.

“Now, tell me what you have planned, please!” said Alejandro impatiently.

Lynn swept her brown hair out of her face and said, “Have it use Swift attack, at the tree.”

Alejandro frowned, but did not argue and ordered the attack. A wave of yellow star shaped rays of energy pelted the tree. Mounds of green leaves fell from the top of the tree. One particularly large clump of leaves fell from the far side of the tree, with a loud ‘thud’.

“See?” said Lynn to Alejandro with a large grin on her face, “There’s our thief.”

“I don’t ge-,“Alejandro began as Staryu stopped firing the rays of energy, but suddenly stopped. “Oh I see now,” he said smiling.

The clump had jumped to its feet tiny little and began hopping away, in the opposite direction. Houndoour leapt after it, chasing it, with Lynn and Alejandro right behind it.

“Flamethrower!” cried Lynn.

Flames poured from Houndour’s opened mouth and flew towards the leaf covered bandit. The clump dove into the ground spewing up dirt, and the flames rushed over its head. Then it hopped on its feet and continued hopping.

Lynn groaned. "We’ve got to slow it down!” yelled Alejandro. “Staryu put up a Light Screen in front of it.”

“Flamethrower!” yelled Lynn again.

Houndour and Staryu both charged at the Pokemon. The star spiraled down and zoomed in front of the leaf mound leaving a faint ray of sparkles where it had flew by. The clump stumbled back wards, and fell on its back.

“Great job, Staryu!” yelled Alejandro.

Houndour neared it, and the clump scrambled to its tiny feet and dashed forward. SMASH! It collided with the invisible screen behind it and flew back wards. Houndour got within striking range and opened its mouth again letting loose another blast of red-hot flames. This time they hit their mark, singing and burning every single leaf there was. The few flames that missed bounded backward off the screen and hit the thief again. After a minute, Houndour stopped.

What lay where the clump of leaves had been was a tiny shriveled up black…thing. It had two large eyeballs, that were closes and was covered in ashes from the burnt leaves.

“I think we got it,” said Alejandro, as Lynn tossed the ball that she had received from the guard. The thing was sucked up in a flash of red and the ball began to wiggle.

As it did Lynn looked over her shoulder. She had the strangest feeling as if somebody was watching her. There was a flash of movement, but nothing else.

“It must have been a small Pokemon,” she muttered to herself, and turned back to see the ball wiggle, and twitch.


&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Burmy
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*’Stale ale’ it rhymes! xD =x
** Don’t ask me how Staryu’s can eat them. I don’t really know, but you can do that in the game. D=

Yes its a one sided/bad battle, but its a Burmy. =/
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  #5  
Old 01-17-2008, 11:17 AM
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Default Re: Journey of a Trainer (Winter Story Competition)

Can I have a cookie instead?

Story/Plot:
This was actually pretty cute to me (though, I doubt that's what you were going for). The jungle-ish atmosphere really made the story somewhat unique as well as slightly original. The idea of Burmy being a 'Mango Thief' was pretty clever, but you didn't go very much into the plot behind the story. And what I mean is, what is the story actually about? You began with the two Trainers catching a Staryu, they rush off to heal it, and then rush off again to go catch this 'Mango Thief' to prove their innocence (of what, I don't know). But what are they doing? Where are they going? Why are they together and what is their goal? Simple questions like these are a basis of what the actual story is.

You really want to make sure that you explain what happened in previous chapters for continuous stories like these. Otherwise, if you end up getting a different Grader (like this case), they will be completely lost (like this case). The story itself was good, and made enough sense to me to be fine for a Burmy. But in future stories, I suggest remembering to do recaps. Especially if you are going for a tougher Pokemon.

Grammar/Spelling: I honestly found hardly anything to complain about. You know how to write, and like you said, it's a Burmy... So, I'm not going to nitpick because this is fine.

I will point this out, though:
Quote:
The sun could be seen above the thin canopy of green, the sky was a brilliant dark red like the inside of a grapefruit.
When you want to connect to complete sentences, you'd use a semicolon instead of a comma. Each clause makes sense by itself, and that's how you can tell when to use a comma and when to use a semicolon.

For Example:

The sky is light blue; there are no clouds.

Both parts can stand alone, hence the semicolon.

The sky is light blue, and there are no clouds.


"and there are no clouds" can't be by itself, so we use a comma here.

So your sentence should look like:

The sun could be seen above the thin canopy of green; the sky was a brilliant dark red like the inside of a grapefruit.

And this ends Semicolons 101. :P

Detail/Descriptions: Again, this is for an Easiest. You don't need to be awesome in this section, but you did have your moments that I could really picture what was happening. Such as, when you were comparing the sky to the color of the inside of a grapefruit. I think if you focused on making more of your descriptions as detailed as that, then your stories will improve immensely.

Length: Eh. Plenty, obviously.

Battle: Well, I think you know that this wasn't that fantastic, considering that you mentioned it being one-sided yourself. You really don't want to just throw a battle in, even if you're pretty confident that the rest of the story will pull you through. How your story ends is one of the most important things, because that is what your reader is left with and usually decides how they feel about the story as a whole. Do you want them to think "Oh, well, I was liking the story up until the battle..then it was like 'meh'" ? Or rather "It was pretty good, but that awesome battle at the end really kicked it up a notch." ?

So, in short, it's always good to put effort into the entire thing, and not just bits and pieces.

Outcome: The battle saddened me, but Burmy is a perfect catch for this story. Put intros and recaps for stories that are continued, or sequels from another. Otherwise, nice work, and have fun with your new bug.

Burmy captured!
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Old 01-17-2008, 11:16 PM
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Default Re: Journey of a Trainer (Winter Story Competition)

D: Recaps. I knew I was forgetting something that wasn't the battle. >_< Well Thanks a lot for the grade and that semicolon 101 <--Very Helpful. :D
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Old 01-19-2008, 09:16 PM
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Default Re: Journey of a Trainer (Winter Story Competition)

~~~Recap~~~

So quick recap for the grader: Lynn left home at the age of fourteen, and traveled to her professor and gets a Pokemon. Of course initially she wants a Shroomish, but a freak accident lets her wind up with a Houndour, her last choice. An attack by bugs let her gain trust with the Houndour. She then stumbles on a clearing where one of rivals is battling. The Staryu from the lab shows up. She catches it. Then she goes to a nearby town with her rival to heal her injured Staryu. Unfortunately due to the tightened security, they are not allowed in. However the guard lets sends them on an errand to see if they are trustworthy, and they go to de-infest a tree catching a Burmy. And that’s where I left off. D=

The Journey of a Trainer: Part One-Trials and Errors (continued)

The ball came to a halt on the soft green grass. Lynn smiled, and picked it up, and tossed it into her backpack.

“Yes!” she said softy, “I got it.”

“Oh yay,” said Alejandro unexcitedly, “You got a blob of leaves. Wipee…” He sounded bitter and jealous-ish*.

Lynn frowned. “Come on we go it. Let’s go,” she said, “My Staryu still needs help.

“Yeah, it does,” said Alejandro glumly, but then added,” Mental help!” He broke out laughing. Lynn said nothing, ignored the bad joke, and began to head back to the path towards the bridge, where the two guards had been. Alejandro sighed and said nothing, but followed.

The way back was as uneventful as the way to the tree. There were no Pokemon to be seen near the river at sundown, as most came to get a drink at night, when the Linoone, Arcanine, and other top predators were asleep. However, night had fallen by the time they reached the bridge, still there were none to be seen. Large torches had been lit at the side of the road. Alejandro was shivering as they arrived. Lynn was relieved to see that the crazy man had left.

The guard smiled as they neared him. “So did you manage to capture the thief?” he said eagerly, and without the same discipline and professionalism as he had spoken with when he first met. He also had gotten a bone and Pokeball chain that he had strung across his neck. It was crude and not well made, but it made him look far more frightening than him with just his long, sharp spear. Lynn thought that was scary enough on its own.

“Yeah,” sighed Alejandro.

The man’s eye’s lit up. “What was it!?” he asked, “I believe it was an Aipom, they have always stolen fruit from the trees and places. Or maybe a Murkrow, those tricky little devils!”

“It’s a Burmy,” said Lynn, “Here.” She snatched the ball for he backpack, and tossed it on the ground. The ball hit the ground and exploded in a shower of light, and the rumpled little bagworm appeared in front of guard.

‘That’s odd’ though Lynn frowning, ‘He’s not hurt at all. Houndy just burnt it to cinders.’ Then an idea hit her, ‘Maybe Pokeballs had healing powers! Maybe I won’t have to take Staryu to the Medicine Man at all, and maybe it would be fine already!’ She didn’t get her hopes up too high, but it was always a possibility.

Meanwhile, the little Pokemon scrambled around the forest floor picking up small greens leave to remake the coat. The guard was frowning at it. The excitement had vanished.

“That’s it?” he said emotionlessly. ”If I had known I’d just have gone and got it myself.”

There was a pause and Alejandro said, “Great, can we go in now?”

“Of course,” said the Guard, returning to his stiff, professional manner. He stepped to the side, allowing both in. Lynn scooped up the Burmy from the ground, which was now covered with green leaves. She then sucked it back into the Pokeball, with a flash of bright red light.

Alejandro yawned. “I’m tired,” he said. Now that she thought about it so was Lynn. “There’s a motel right here, let’s go here.” Lynn nodded.

The Motel was the first small building that they saw with a large sign reading ‘Motel’. They walked inside, and quickly took two rooms, for a very cheap price (400 P$**). Lynn quickly ran up the stairs into her room.

The room was a plain room, just a bed, some shelves and a bathroom. She fell asleep as soon as she lay down on the bed.
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Old 01-19-2008, 09:17 PM
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Default Re: Journey of a Trainer (Winter Story Competition)

In the morning, Lynn woke up early. The small clock on the wall read 7:30. She yawned, stretched, and got out of bed. ‘I better get Staryu looked at’ she thought as she slowly meandered into the shower.

An hour later she was downstairs, fully dressed, waiting in the lobby. She had already asked the lady at the front desk send three people up to Alejandro’s room, and he still hadn’t come down. Lynn grumbled. “I’ll give him five more minutes and then I’m leaving!” she told the front desk lady.

“Mhmm,” said the lady, clearly not paying attention.

Five minutes past, and Lynn turned to walk out the door, leaving Alejandro behind. She took a step outside, and Alejandro came racing down the stairs.

“Jeez,” he said loudly, “You woke me up way to early!”

“That’s your fault now isn’t it” she said smiling, as they began to walk away from the motel.

“Uhh no it’s your fault,” he replied, and they began to argue all the way to the main part of the village.

The village it self was a somewhat primitive village. The huts were all brown and had thatched roofs. Some were larger than others, and other were in trees. All looked pretty much the same with people hanging out of them.

They had walked into some sort of central market place, where the woman were gossiping and purchasing goods, or chasing after their children that had just knocked over a fruit stand with their balls.

The stands lined two sides of a central plaza with a nice wooden floor, and people ran in the center with newspapers, or small toys trying to sell, or they were just looking to buy something. Others didn’t have an actual stand with thatched roof, but a large cloth where they spread there goods on.

The entire place was packed. It seemed to be the peak time of the market. Or maybe since it was just Lunch time and people were hungry. Lynn’s stomach growled as well. ‘I’ll get something to eat after I see the Medicine Man.” She thought.

There were many people, all where brightly colored orange, pink, red and/or yellow clothes, and the vendors sold many different types of exotic fruits.

Alejandro quickly caught sight of one small boy snatched him away from his friends, and pulled him over to Lynn. The boy was no more than ten years old, was wearing the same bright colored clothes. His black hair was just as long as Alejandro’s, and fell to his shoulders. They quickly exchanged some words in rapid Spanish.

“Lynn, this is Juan. He said he’d show me a cool place with some weird stone temples that have super powers!” said Alejandro quickly. Both his and Juan’s eyes were round and excited. Lynn raised an eyebrow. “The Medicine Mans hut is to your left and the large hut with smoke! Bye!” he said, and both ran off into the crowd.

Lynn sighed. “Boys! They’re so weird!” she muttered to herself, “Why do they just run off like that!” She turned left in search of the large hut with a chimney that was the medicine man’s home.

It didn’t take long to find it. It was just beyond the marketplace, and easily the largest hut in the area, and a far as she could see, the only one with a chimney. It didn’t seem as though it was crowded. Nobody was waiting out side of it. Actually it seemed as though they were avoiding it. There were people near both of the smaller huts on either side. She put this out of her mind, and jogged inside the hut.

The room in which Lynn entered in was a circular room, with a small fire in the center of the room, a rug. There was an opening above the fire, but the rest of the room was exposed wood from the floor, wall or ceiling. An old man was sitting by the fire, wearing a purple robe. His long bear was thrown over his shoulders and his long hair was tied up in a knot. He sat cross-legged on the floor, with his eyes closed.

“Ooooooommm,” he hummed, breathing deeply. He took another deep breath, and said mystically, “Welcome child.” He opened his eyes. “Please sit,” he said, motioning to the carpet.

“H-h-hi,” stammered Lynn.

“Hello,” said the man pleasantly. “What brings you to my yagna***?”

“My Staryu is hurt,” she said quietly.

“Ahh, I see,” he said in the same mystical voice, “Let me see the Pokemon.”

Lynn reached into her back backpack and pulled out the ball that she knew contained Staryu, and pushed the little white button. It swelled to the size of an orange, and exploded in the familiar white light. Staryu lay there as wounded as before. The Pokeball did nothing for it as it did for Burmy.

The gem in the center was still as broken as before. One of the pieces of the gem was lodged in one of it arms. Another was full of Houndour’s teeth-marks.

The Medicine Man stared at it for a long time, with occasional poke or prod. The star lay there unmoving, even after each poke, until the Medicine Man poked the piece of the gem that was lodged in its arm. It twitched and made a hissing noise.

“It’s alive!” breathed Lynn. She grinned.

After a few more moments, the Medicine Man turned to her. “I believe I can help,” he said. Lynn’s grin grew wider. “But,” he continued, “I will need some ingredients. Most I can go and get from the market, but there is one I cannot.”

Lynn’s heart fell. “What is it?” she asked nervously.

“Spores from the leaves of an Oddish,” he replied. Lynn raised an eyebrow. “It makes a nice non-toxic glue that I can use to seal up the gem. It’s not hard to get. Just do not think I have enough time.”

“I could go get it!” said Lynn quickly and eagerly.

The Medicine Man smiled. “Good, good,” he said clapping his hands together. “The Oddish rock at the south side of the city is a nice place to find Oddish. However, they only appear at nightfall.”

He got up and walked outside, surprisingly quicker than Lynn though he could go. Lynn followed. He looked up at the sun, and said, “I’d say you have about seven hours or so, since we are in the warm months. It takes about a half an hour to get there, walking that way.” He pointed south. “That Staryu of yours, however, only has about eight hours left, so I’d say you go eat and hurry along.”

Lynn nodded. “How long will it take you to get everything else, sir?” she asked.

The man thought for a second, “I have to collect most of the things from the farms, out side, which should take me about five hours, but then I need to begin making the healing potions, so I will be ready to add the spores once you come back.”

“Oh,” said Lynn

The Medicine Man smiled. “You’re Staryu will be fine,” he said reassuringly. “And please don’t call me ‘sir’. My name is Swamie Tejovwayananda. But you, my friend can call me Swami ‘T’.”

Lynn smiled. “Ok, Swami T” she said and hurried off to get some food before she left.

There were not as many people in the market place, now that most people had eaten their lunch. Lynn walked up to the first stand she saw. It looked exactly as the others did, with a long counter in the front and a small bell. She rang the bell. There was some shuffling coming from inside, and a person, almost entirely covered in black came into view.

“Welcome to Shade’s Chicken,” he hissed, “How may I serve you?”

Lynn answered, “Can I just have a regular chicken leg?”

“Of course,” he hissed back, and shuffled back into the back of the shop and out of sight. Moments later he returned with a plate, napkin, and a small piece of chicken on it.

“200 P$,” he said. Lynn got out her money paid him and left.

“That guy is creepy!” she muttered to herself, as she found a large tree to rest on. She ate quickly. The chicken wasn’t the best she had ever had. It wasn’t tender, and was burnt.

She tossed the leftover bone and plate into the trashcan, and wiped her mouth off with a napkin she had received from the chicken person. She quickly retraced her steps to Swami T’s house and went south, the direction he had told her to go. On her way there she picked up a couple packets of nuts from a boy and some water to have on her journeys, because all the food she had packed in the start of her journey was gone.

The village proved to be much bigger than she had thought. She passed through a housing district with many large thatched huts that got smaller as she walked along a dirt path. There were signs that told her the Oddish Rock was this way. Eventually, she came across more farms, which grew many different foods. There were millet, rice, beans, and corn among other foods. Soon these were replaced by the familiar tropical jungle. The canopy of green grew thicker and thicker until the sky was nearly completely blocked out.

After about a half an hour of walking, she began shoving leaves out her face to get through. “I thought this wouldn’t take so long,” she muttered to herself. As she complained the trees began to thin out. She smiled and walked more quickly, becoming more excited.

Suddenly, she stumbled into small clearing. A large silver rock was in the center, with small tufts of leaves around it. There was still no sky to be seen, but she was sure that it was not nearly night time yet.

“This must be it!” she said to herself, and sat down next to a tree. There was nothing left to do, now but wait. So, she waited, occasionally sending out a Pokemon, but then always bringing it back in. Nobody came to disturb at all. Slowly, she began to feel tired. Her eyes sagged, and wanted to close. She thought she heard something flutter onto a tree branch, before she drifted off to sleep.
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Old 01-20-2008, 12:42 AM
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Default Re: Journey of a Trainer (Winter Story Competition)

Lynn awoke later that night. She thought she had felt something on her chin. Like a feather, only sharper. She could feel something standing on her chest as well. It wasn’t heavy, but it was something. ‘Maybe Burmy got out of its Pokeball’ she thought. She heard a soft sort of hum and Kricketunes chirping off in the distance.

Suddenly a thought hit her: Kricketunes chirped only at night. Her eyes flew open, and she was fully awake. She suddenly came face-to-face with a round blue thing with to tiny legs, and a full head of leaves like a cabbage.

Lynn screamed out in surprise, and stood up quickly. The Pokemon fell off and rolled a bit away. Once she had calmed down, Lynn realized what was going on. She had found an Oddish! One she could use to heal Staryu. Lynn grabbed a Pokeball from her bag, as the Oddish got to its feet, and she tossed it. The ball exploded in flash of white light, and the black and red dog that Lynn was becoming fond of stood in the clearing. It gave off a low growl.

“Houndy,” she yelled, “Flamethrower!”

The Oddish yelped and realized it was about to be attacked. It bent its tiny knees and prepared for the fight. Meanwhile, Houndour opened its mouth and unleashed a deadly blast of flames that charged at Oddish.

With surprising agility, the Oddish leapt to the side, and swung the leaves on head. Razor Sharp leave soared at Houndour, slicing into its back. Houndour howled.

“Try it again!” yelled Lynn.

Houndour launched another stream of flames at the tiny little plant. It rolled out of the way once again, and then propelled its tiny little body forward, slamming into the exposed side of Houndour. Houndour howled again, and tumbled backwards.

Lynn groaned. “Houndour, use Flamethrower and the Crunch,” she yelled.

Houndour jumped up to its feet, and growl. He blasted another stream of fire, at the Oddish, and ran at it. Oddish swirled out of the way again and launched itself at Houndour. The flames stopped pouring from Houndour’s mouth; he grabbed the Oddish in his fangs. Hounour swirled around threw it into a tree. There was a smash, and back down to the ground leaving a round dent in the tree. It stirred feebly.

“Yes!” said Lynn loudly, “Finish it with a Fire Fang!”

Hounour charged at the little plant again, its two front teeth ablaze. Its mouth clamped onto the Oddish. The poor little plant screamed as it was burnt and tossed over Houndour’s head. It hit the ground behind him and lay still.

“Yay!” said Lynn happily, and she tossed one of Swami T’s Pokeball at the Pokemon.

It missed.

There was a swishing noise, a flash of yellow, and the Oddish was gone. An empty Pokeball lay on the ground.

“Huh?” said Lynn, dumbfounded, “Where did it go?”

Houndour looked up, scanning the trees. Suddenly he spotted something and growled and barked loudly. Lynn looked in the direction that Houndour was growling, and she saw nothing up there.

“I don’t see it,” she said frowning.

Houndour barked loudly, and shot a ball of flames at whatever was up there. The branch ignited. A black bird, with yellow talons, and a yellow beak screeched and leapt of the burning branch. The Oddish Lynn was trying to capture was in one of its curved claws.

Lynn gasped. “Houndour use a Dark Pulse attack against it!”

Houndour jumped onto the Oddish Rock to aim better, and fired a black blob at the bird. There was a yelp and it tumbled from the sky, dropping the Oddish.

“Fire Fang, Houndour!” yelled Lyn from the sidelines.

As the Pokemon stabilized itself in the air, Houndour leapt at it, the fangs in its mouth burning white-hot. He growled and leapt, his gaping mouth open wide, sailed through the air. The bird however pulled itself upward, and out of the range of Houndour. The dog got a mouth full of dirt. Unnoticed by Lynn and Houndour the Oddish hit the ground a little ways away.

Houndour spat out the dirt and circled around, looking for the bird. The bird’s black feathers let it disappear in the night. Houndour growled. Suddenly as quick as a flash the bird slammed into the side of Houndour, and he skidded across the ground. As Houndour got back to its feet, gingerly, the bird swooped around for another attack. It smashed into him for the second time, throwing him farther backwards, near the unnoticed Oddish. The bird flew around for another hit.

“Flamethrower, again Houndour!” yelled Lynn.

Still on its side, Houndour opened its mouth and launched another jet of fire. It hit incoming bird, straight on the beak. The bird stopped a foot away from Houndour, and plummeted to the ground. The flames illuminated the grass around Houndour, and Lynn caught sight of Oddish. She tossed a Pokeball.

Suddenly, the bird lunged at Houndour, hoping to get one last strike in. The ball hit, and engulfed it instead. Lynn groaned, and picked up the second ball from the ground and threw it at the knocked out Oddish. This one finally hit the mark, and both began to wiggle.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

*Not a word. I know. I couldn’t think of a better word to describe it.
** P$= Pokemoney btw
*** Yagna=Holy Hindu fire. Idk if that’s how it’s spelled in English.

._. Yay isn’t in the MS word Dictionary =/


Oddish & Murkrow
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Old 01-23-2008, 09:03 PM
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Default Re: Journey of a Trainer (Winter Story Competition)

Introduction:
Thanks for recapping. :P

Starts out a bit boring, as just an ending to the other part of the story it seems. :/ Not much detail, but considering it is another part to another story I’m okay with it. Though I had a hard time picturing Lynn. You could’ve maybe described them, or I could’ve looked at the first chapter on what they look like; I’m just lazy. =P

Anyways, it was a good, solid plot. I didn’t see anything wrong with it. It was interesting and really made me want to keep on reading. Nice work of foreshadowing really indirectly (well to me xD), it kept me reading and I wanted too know what happened at the end. Which hasn’t happened to me in a long while. :x

Keep up the good work, and good job. I hope your future stories have this much success… well for this part of the story anyways. ;P

Grammar:
Not many mistakes, just a few from maybe, typing to fast? Or a combination of typing to fast and not checking over your writing. Most of these are ones that Word can’t/doesn’t
catch because its mean like that sometimes. :P

Quote:
“Oh,” said Lynn
Needs a period at the end. :P

Quote:
“Ok, Swami T” she said and hurried off to get some food before she left.
Needs a comma or period after the T.

And, I also want to point out with that: Is his name ‘Swamie’ or ‘Swami’ you use them both. Kind of confusing. <_>

Quote:
Lynn frowned. “Come on we go it. Let’s go,” she said, “My Staryu still needs help.
There should be a quotation mark after the period after ‘help.’ Just pointing it out. There was also a lot more mistakes like this. :\ Make sure you read over your story. Even just a small skim.

Also, for ‘P$’ you could just type out ‘dollars’ or ‘Pokedollar’ or whatever you want to call it. Your choice though. :P

Detail:
The detail in this story was pretty good I suppose. Though it could’ve been better. You can describe more than just what something looks like. Maybe its feel, or smell. Describe things to their full potential. Make it more real and exciting for the readers.

Add more detail and things will go as you want. The more detail, the longer, the better… unless the plot is bad. :x -ahem-
More detail, more detail, more detail. For double captures such as this you want even more detail than just a normal one capture story. :P

Length:
This is… just above what you would’ve needed. Its okay, I suppose. But flush out the story more, and don’t forget its okay, and even look upon to go over and beyond the set lengths. :P

Battle:
The battle was a bit short. But it was well described. I could see Murkrow and Oddish well enough to see them attacking around.

The attack were also well described. The fire coming out of Houndours mouth. It was also quite funny that Murkrow was going to eat or fly off with Oddish(I think xDD). That was a nice twist, its good to add things like that. Make the story all the more better to read, even if it was for a brief moment.

This was good, but could improve with some more length and detail. (though length comes with detail :P)

Final Outcome:
This was a great story to read, I enjoyed it. And it was a bit iffy at time. But it was good enough for me - Oddish & Murkrow captured!
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Last edited by The Jr Trainer; 01-23-2008 at 10:37 PM.
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