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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 01-14-2008, 03:24 AM
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Default Super Smash Mothers Brawl

"Oh... mah... gawd, Becky. Look at her butt! It is so big. She looks like one of those rap guys' girlfriends. Who understands those rap guys?" a female Machamp asked her friend Becky, a Medicham. They were both staring at a Jynx not that far away who was reaching down to pull up a neon-pink purse. Bertha crossed her four muscular arms as the blond purple Pokemon she was watching walked away. The Medicham crossed her pale stick-like arms as she imitated her companion. The blue humanoid Pokemon looked insignificant and weak compared to her bulky friend, but there are rumors saying that she can be strong when she feels like it.

"I'm serious, no guy is ever going to hit on us. I mean, Raul calls us, "The Bodybuilder and That Weird Yoga Lady". The Machamp continued. Raul was the Ludicolo that spoke with a Spanish accent and did landscaping work in Pokeville. The same Pokemon tipped his green sombrero at the duo, and continued pushing a lawnmower on the lawn across the street. It was a sunny morning, and the smell of the newly-cut emerald grass was overpowering. A Machop was riding a blue bike down the middle of the street delivering newspapers. Because the two Fighting-type Pokemon were standing by the door, Bertha received a newspaper to the stomach.

"Sorry Mom!" the paperboy shouted as he hit the brakes on his bike. He stared nervously at his dumbfounded mother as she picked up the Nintendo News from the pavement at her feet.

"Humph, that kid. Why can't men have better aim?" the masculine woman mumbled to herself, before realizing that this is a G-rated story.

"Bertha! Watch your mouth, girlfriend! You should feel lucky that you have a kid! Sure, your ex-husband might not have been perfect, but at least you've had someone!" Becky exclaimed.

"Well then, we must battle for no reason. Have at you!" her friend shouted as she took the Medicham's feet from underneath her with a Low Kick.

"Very well then. You have no chance to survive, please make your time." the blue humanoid responded as she pushed her "friend" back with an effective Confusion attack. They were now rolling around on their front lawn, scattering fresh grass clippings into the air as the paperboy shook his head and sighed. Raul turned to watch the fight, and as he watched the biting and kicking turn to aggressive wrestling he came up with a devious idea.

"Mud wrestling... heh heh heh..." the Ludicolo thought to himself. He quickly walked over to where the two women were wrestling, and sprayed water from his mouth at his feet to change the dirt into a runny mud. He barely managed to step out of the way as the wrestling Pokemon magically were pulled to the puddle of mud. Maybe there's some telekinetic furry reading this. I don't know.

"That's it, Becky, eat dirt!" Bertha yelled, only to receive a splash of mud on her face.

"It's mud, girl. Man, I've heard about Fighting types not being so smart, but you're just so stooopid," the mud-covered Medicham retorted as she kicked up more mud than a Barboach using Mud Sport. At this point, the girls were both covered with the runny brown stuff, as if they were both life-sized statues made out of chocolate. Raul chuckled devilishly as a small crowd was forming around the two girls.

"Selling snacks for all herbivores- fresh grass clippings for one dollar a pound!" he shouted, grabbing a sack filled with clippings that was attached to his lawnmower.

"Wait a minute, some of that's from my lawn!" a Pidgeot shouted from somewhere in the huddled mass of bystanders.

"Well, I cut the grass for you!" the sombrero-wearing Pokemon replied as he waved the sack in the air. "Remember folks, only one dollar a pound!" A small crowd of Tauros, Miltank, and Nidoran rushed the vendor to purchase snacks.

"Oh man, not again," Jared lamented as turned to peddle away on his bike. The Machop had to finish his job.

"Oh girl no you didn't!" Becky screamed as she slapped her friend's muddy face in response to a Karate Chop.

----- Twenty minutes later. -----

"Ugh, finally! I'm out of that crazy place, and I managed to finish my first route," the Machop sighed as he dismounted his bike, "but... where am I?" Jared gazed at his surroundings, which included many tall trees, tall grass, and... a Bidoof? The Bidoof in question was lounging on a tree stump in a lazy fashion.

"So, what brings you ter these parts?" he asked, rolling over onto his chubby stomach. The brown beaver-like Pokemon stared dully at the Fighting Pokemon as if he was only half-awake.

"Well, my mom was angry for some reason and she embarrassed me by having a mud-wrestling match with her friend." Jared responded as he noted the shallow stream that sliced apart the crabgrass-littered ground of the forest. The minuscule white flowers that carpeted the areas between the patches of crabgrass were giving off a faint aroma that inspired tranquility.

"Huh, really? Would've liked ter see that..." the lazy beaver mumbled to himself, earning a small glare from the gray boyish Pokemon. "Now, a boy like you should pay attention ter yer surroundins! There are humans that like ter come through here, an' they like ter catch small Pokemon like you!"

As if on cue, a short girl of about eleven or twelve burst through the tall grass surrounding the two conversing Pokemon. She whipped out her pink Pokedex in an instant, and targeted Jared with it. She stared at its small LCD screen through her thick horn-rimmed glasses as she waited for the program to start up. Impatiently, she twirled her thick chestnut hair around with her pointer finger. The Machop was terrified at the display of girlishness standing before him- from her blue fingernails to her designer jeans with a flower shape embroidered on both sides of her hips.

"Machop, the Superpower Pokemon. Loves to build its muscles. The Machop trains in all styles of martial arts to become stronger," the red informational device stated in a robotic fashion.

"Ew, that sounds so much like a guy. But, I guess that it'll make that dreamy Chad like me if I catch it," the brunette sighed, gazing off into space.

"Dream on Rebecca," the Pokedex said, chuckling afterwards in the same robotic tone.

"Hey! I don't remember anything about asking for a smart-mouthed Pokedex!" Rebecca shouted at the device in her hand as she snapped out of her absentmindedness.

"Sorry, but it comes with the package. Ha ha ha," it said in the same monotonous manner. "By the way, may I suggest that you employ a method of capturing Machop?"

"Huh?" the girl said, glancing at the grassy spot where Machop -used- to be. "Hey! Where did it go?!"

"Aw man, this is just crazy. Here I am, riding my bike through a mysterious forest to escape from a girly trainer that wants to capture me in order to gain a relationship with a male. Not as if I don't have any experience with a similar situation, but this is just ridiculous!" the Machop mumbled to himself as he peddled his bike through the unfamiliar territory of the forest. His surroundings went past him in a blur, as the constant chirping sounds of Kricketot and Kricketune echoed throughout the area. The front wheel of the blue popped when it ran over several mysterious spikes that were laying on the ground. Jared quickly jumped off of the useless bike and glanced up at the trees to see a group of Pineco glaring at him.

"Here, Machop Machop! Come here to me~," Rebecca shouted. Her high-pitched voice sounded muffled through the various trees and shrubs in the area, but it was still loud enough to scare the boyish Pokemon to run.

"Ow!" Jared shouted as he held his left foot. He had apparently stepped on spikes, and even though his dense muscles prevented it from causing a bleeding wound, it still hurt.

"Hey, it's over there! Go, Pony!" the girl shouted as she apparently released a Pokemon from a Poke Ball. The whinnying of a Ponyta could be heard through the forest and within fifteen seconds the fire horse appeared behind him with its trainer on its back. The flames from the horse Pokemon illuminated the tree branches, yet did not incinerate the stray brown leaf that dared to fall through the fire.

"Good job, Pony," Rebecca said as she slid off of the powerful horse's back. "Let's start off with a Quick Attack!"

Almost instantly, the pony seemed to vanish then reappear before Machop. Ponyta headbutted the small Fighting Pokemon, knocking him back several feet from the impact. As he stood up, Ponyta charged at him in a Tackle attack.

"Gah, I'm going to have to keep up with its speed if I'm going to win..." Jared thought to himself as he shielded his face with his muscular arms. Ponyta's hooves pressed down onto them, and he saw his chance. The Machop grabbed the Fire-type Pokemon by its legs and launched it high into the air with a Seismic Toss attack. To follow this up, Machop grabbed a handful of dirt and threw it at the Ponyta to weaken its flames and temporarily blind it. As the pony slammed into the ground, Rebecca gasped and pulled a strange spray bottle.

"Here Pony, I'm going to use a Potion!" She exclaimed, and sprayed all of the contents of the bottle at the weakened steed. It cried out as the spray made contact with its various scratches and scrapes, but neighed as they began to heal.

"That's not fair... I'm going to have to take my opponent out before that trainer can pull anything else like that," the muscular Pokemon thought to himself. "Wait a minute... I can do this if I take away Ponyta's greatest asset!"

"Quick Pony, use Flare Blitz," the girl ordered, her brown eyes peering at the Machop through her glasses. The Ponyta's flames grew in intensity to the point where the dirt covering it was instantly incinerated. The nauseous smell of something burnt flooded the immediate vicinity and caused Rebecca to pinch her nostrils shut. The nearby brush caught on fire and threatened to spread to the entire forest.

"My Arceus, what does this girl think she's doing? She's going to burn down the entire forest!" Jared thought to himself. The flaming horse tackled him as he was thinking, and knocked him down. The gray Pokemon winced as his shoulder was burnt.

"Ha! Good job, Pony!" Rebecca cheered, oblivious to the fact that the tree right next to her was on fire. "Come on so I can... huh?" She felt a drop of water graze her cheek, and she rubbed her face with her hand. Her fingertip was wet, and she started to notice that there was water falling from the sky, but there was no rain. A Bibarel stared at her from high up in a tree, and it was spraying water down at the fire along with several other Bidoof and Bibarel in a combined Water Sport technique.

"Huh? That's not fair! Why are you doing this to me?" she whined. "Quick, use Take Down to KO that Machop so we can get out of here." The Ponyta obeyed, and although shaken from the recoil of its powerful Flare Blitz attack, it started to gallop towards Jared for a finishing blow. He stared down the horse, and caused it to stop in its tracks from the intensity of the Scary Face technique. Seizing this opportunity, the Machop flung his opponent at the ground that was wet from Water Sport. The pony tried to stand up in the mud, but the ground was too slippery and it only ended up injuring its legs even more.

"Well, I guess something positive came out of that mud-wrestling match my mom had," Jared noted. He charged the Ponyta and used Submission on it. The force of the attack left a deep imprint of Ponyta's side in the thick mud and caused mud to fly everywhere. Rebecca groaned as some of the mud splashed onto her already soaking wet jeans, and pulled another Potion out of her backpack. A Bidoof leaped out from nowhere and swiped it right out of her hand, leaving her dumbfounded.

"An' that's just ter make things fair, young missy!" the Bidoof exclaimed. "Come on boy, you can do this!" Machop looked hopeful for a moment, but then grew pale as the enraged trainer pulled his opponent's Poke Ball off of her belt.

"OK, so you want to play rough? Ponyta, return!" Rebecca screamed as she pressed a button on Ponyta's Poke Ball. The horse disappeared in a red flash of light, leaving Machop alone in the puddle of mud. The forest grew silent in anticipation of the trainer's next Pokemon.

"Go, Jigglypuff!" she shouted as she tossed a red-and-white sphere from her belt. Machop almost laughed. A Jigglypuff? Surely he could win this battle! The Bidoof and Bibarel seemed to agree, as they all chatted and laughed.

"Use Sing! Put them all to sleep, now!" the furious girl screamed. The pink balloon Pokemon met her trainer's demands as she began to sing a soft lullaby. The forest seemed to rain unfortunate Bidoof and Bibarel that dozed off and fell from their positions in their trees, each landing with a loud "SPLAT!" in the mud. Jared began to close his eyes, even though he attempted to resist the powerful melody.

"It... can't... end this way..." he thought to himself before letting out a deep yawn and closing his eyes. He felt something hit him, but he didn't mind. It was just... going to be okay... right... after...

this...



nap...

-----

Pokemon to capture: Machop
10800-or-something characters without spaces.
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Last edited by gun6; 01-17-2008 at 07:38 PM.
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  #2  
Old 01-16-2008, 08:36 PM
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Default Re: Super Smash Mothers Brawl [Ready, for all you awesome graders out there. ;p]

Lol, I hash thish Grade. Expect it tomorrow or the day after!
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  #3  
Old 01-16-2008, 08:58 PM
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Default Re: Super Smash Mothers Brawl [Ready, for all you awesome graders out there. ;p]

Yay, TTar to the rescue. :D
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  #4  
Old 01-17-2008, 11:57 AM
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Default Re: Super Smash Mothers Brawl [Ready, for all you awesome graders out there. ;p]

Here’s yer Grade ^^:

Plot/Introduction: A young Machop is embarrassed by his mother and her friend’s antics as he goes about his paper delivery, biking away from the scene in order to avoid further humiliation. Some time later he finds himself lost in some strange forest, then has a run-in with a Trainer that forces him to battle. After her Ponyta gets beaten, she sends out a Jigglypuff and has it put everyone around to sleep.

I like how this was from the Pokemon’s point of view, seeing as most of the time it’s from a human’s. The plot was standard “Pokemon encounters human and gets caught” thing, but there were some things to set it apart. The humor, for one. I laughed at several parts of this, and I always like stories with some laughter in them.

Your introduction was what caught my attention, just as an introduction is supposed to do. I wasn’t expecting that whole “ohmigod Becky” thing to pop up in a URPG story! It was a surprise, and not a bad one. Good work, Pass for these.

Length: Good enough for a Machop ^^. Pass.

Detail: Heh, some technical difficulties here. There wasn’t much description other than the absolute basics, which is not a good thing, I’m afraid to say. Remember: even though this is a Pokemon forum, it’s always a good idea to describe what the Pokemon look like. Act as if your readers have never seen any of the Pokemon in your story and have no way of finding out other than reading your description. And it’s not just the visuals: keep in mind how things feel, smell, sound, and so on.

Remember, also, to describe anything that hasn’t already been identified: when you introduce a new character, setting, whatever it is, describe it as best you can.

The best description was the attacks. That and that alone gets you a Pass for this section, but remember to work on this in the future, for other Graders won’t be so lax ^^.

Grammar/Spelling: Not too bad here, but not great either, though there was one on-going problem I believe I mentioned in your Bugging Out story. I’m going to point out again when I get to it. So, here are the big things:

Quote:
Originally Posted by ”You”
They were both staring at a Jynx not that far away who was reaching down to pull up a neon-pink purse.
The wording of this is strange: she was bending down to “pull up” a purse? Try changing it a little so it flows better and makes more sense:

Quote:
Originally Posted by ”Me”
They were both staring at a Jynx not that far away who was reaching down topick up a neon-pink purse she had dropped.
***

Quote:
Originally Posted by ”You”
Bertha crossed her four muscular arms as the blond purple Pokemon...
Again, the wording here is off a little. It sounds like you’re saying the Jynx is blonde-purple in color, instead of conveying that she’s got blonde hair and purple skin. Adding in a single word, a hyphen, and a comma can make all the difference:

Quote:
Originally Posted by ”Me”
Bertha crossed her four muscular arms as the blonde-haired, purple Pokemon...
***

Quote:
Originally Posted by ”You”
The blue humanoid Pokemon looked insignificant and weak compared to her bulky friend, but there are rumors saying that she can be strong when she feels like it.
I think you got your characters confused here, seeing as Machamp is by no means insignificant and weak when compared to a Medicham. Also, there was tense-swapping in this sentence, which you really want to avoid in most cases. When you pick a tense, you generally stick with it through the whole story, unless you’re doing a flashback sequence, switching to a different character, or something like that. Here’s a way to fix the issues:

Quote:
Originally Posted by ”Me”
The tan humanoid Pokemon looked insignificant and weak compared to her bulky Machamp friend, but there were rumors saying that she could be strong when she felt like it.
***

Quote:
Originally Posted by ”You”
I mean, Raul calls us, "The Bodybuilder and That Weird Yoga Lady". The Machamp continued.
You don’t need the comma after “us,” the period should be a comma (because the dialogue has ended, but not the sentence) and needs to be between “Lady” and the closing quotation marks, and finally “the” doesn’t need to be capitalized. Remember, unless it’s a proper noun, words don’t being with an upper-case letter when the dialogue has ended but the sentence is continuing. This is the main issue I spotted the most often in the story, as well as in Bugging Out.

Anyways, here’s a tidier version of the above sentence:

Quote:
Originally Posted by ”Me”
I mean, Raul calls us "The Bodybuilder and That Weird Yoga Lad,”“ the Machamp continued.
***

Quote:
Originally Posted by ”You”
They were now rolling around on their front lawn...
Why were they rolling around? It sounds to me, if the Medicham pushed her friend back as you said she did, they wouldn’t be near one another to be rolling around together. How did they wind up getting close enough to one another to start wrestling around? Also, you said “their” front lawn, which leads the reader to think that the two live together. I’m not sure if this is what you meant, or if maybe you meant to say “the” front lawn.

***

Quote:
Originally Posted by ”You”
"Very well then. You have no chance to survive, please make your time."
Um...what? When Becky says, “You have no chance to survive,” it sounds less like a friendly beat-down than it does murder. Saying, “You have no chance of winning,” sounds much better, not only because it sounds more like something one person would say in a competitive (and not murderous) way to another, it also doesn’t sound as awkward. Also, what on earth does “please make your time” mean? Maybe it’s just me, but that makes no sense whatsoever. Could you possible have meant “make your move,” or am I just being stupid? XP

***

Quote:
Originally Posted by ”You”
...grassy spot where Machop -used- to be.
“Used” could have been italicized or bolded, if you wanted to add stress to it. Really though, it doesn’t need anything; the word itself conveys enough on its own.

***

{QUOTE=”You”]...the Machop mumbled to himself as he peddled [/QUOTE]

You used the wrong “peddled” here. To “peddle” is to advertise and/or sale goods or wares of some kind, most commonly in reference to drugs and other such unsavory things. You want “pedaled” in this case, which is the past-tense of “pedal,” of course.

***

Quote:
Originally Posted by ”You”
The front wheel of the blue popped when it ran over several mysterious spikes...
The front wheel of the blue what popped? ^^ You forgot to add the word “bike” between “blue” and “popped.”

***

Quote:
Originally Posted by ”You”
...enough to scare the boyish Pokemon to run.
More strange wording. The main thing about it (and a few other places as well) is that you call the Machop “boyish.” We already know Jared is indeed a male, and anyways, the term “boyish” is usually reserved for describing tomboys and appearances (I.e., the “boyish” girl ran after the escaping snake; “boyish” looks, etc). Try this instead:

Quote:
Originally Posted by ”Me”
...enough to startle the young male Pokemon and cause him to run.
***

{QUOTE=”You”]...headbutted...[/QUOTE]

Heh, this isn’t one word:


Quote:
Originally Posted by ”Me”
...head-butted...
***

Quote:
Originally Posted by ”You”
"My Arceus, what does this girl think she's doing? She's going to burn down the entire forest!" Jared thought...
Thoughts and speech should be indicated by something different, so people don’t get confused. Here, even though you tell us Jared is thinking this, it looks as if he’s saying it, since it’s enclosed in quotation marks. Try using something else, like an asterisk (*) or italics to differentiate between spoken dialogue and thought dialogue.

***

What I really want you to watch out for are the times you place a period were a comma should go when the dialogue has ended but the sentence is still going, and the related issue of capitalizing the next word even when it doesn’t need it. Feel free to ask if you’re confused, when we happen to catch each other on AIM. Or you could just PM me ^^. I’ll let you hang with a Borderline.

Battle: Two-sided, nice length compared to the total length of the story, and described very nicely. I like how Jigglypuff came out to use a Sing attack in order to wrap the battle up, since you don’t really see anything like that happen. Overall, I’d say this is your strongest area, from what I’ve seen of your work. No doubt about getting a Pass here.

Outcome: Heh, what else is there left but to give my ruling? I could be evil like a game show and make you wait for a commercial before I tell you whether you caught Machop or not, but I HATE when they “go to break” at a crucial moment and leave you hanging. At any rate, I think I’ve delayed enough by telling you how I’m NOT going to delay, so here it is. Machop Captured! Enjoy your naked blue Fighter ^^.
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  #5  
Old 01-17-2008, 07:43 PM
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Default Re: Super Smash Mothers Brawl

Whee, thanks! ^_^

I'm trying to fix my whole:

"blahblahblah." The thing said.

thing, but I guess that I must have missed that one little area. Also, I should have elaborated, but Medicham was shiny (blue instead of red). I guess that I forgot to mention that somewhere. >_>

Oh well. MACHOP! :D
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