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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 01-15-2008, 12:05 PM
Splishee Offline
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Default Cave Darkness

Cave Darkness
(Yeah, I changed the name.. sue me)

Pokemon writing for: Lapras, Dratini and Haunter. Yeah.. ouch.
Recommended Length: 40 - 55 K for Lapras.
Length so far: 55 K for Lapras.


Part 1: The Cave

The world was upside down.

Dizzying and jumbled to the point of fuzzy eyesight, the entire world seemed to be in a giant mess. The overwhelming feeling of lopsidedness could shake you to the very bone, trying to grow accustomed to the opposite way of the world. It was complete and utter madness, feeling yourself spinning uncontrollably in the strange vortex to the point of nausea, staring through eyes which felt as though they were not yours, and nervously shifting your body as though it wasn't, either. Despite the uncomfortable and dizzy feelings one would feel, it was also oddly calming. Nothing to ponder or worry about, the only thoughts circulating your brain are of the fact that the world is jumbled. This temporary state of madness created a temporary peace of mind, unaware of everything around you, unresponsive to anything that concerned you.


Tumbling, dizzy and out of focus, the slim figure of the 12 year old girl formed an almost a perfect somersault in the air, as the small cry of her Pokemon shook her peaceful state of mind. Her long, curly hair and skinny, scrawny limbs flailed hopelessly in the air as she tumbled. The cry echoed around her head, spinning around mercilessly and causing more nausea than any amount of a long handstand could do.

That was exactly what Kaitie had been doing; a handstand, the simple tool of showing off when children are young. As her Pokemon gathered near her toes, looking up at her dizzy face and nauseous eyes, she felt the inevitable feeling of spinning. The world rotated around her slowly, bringing her along for the ride. Her head pounded dully as the earth and sky came together as one and spun with her, making the girl nauseous. It dragged her aching backside to the right, as though it was on a steep slope and only intent on tipping Kaitie into space. As her Pichu jumped onto her knees, she shook her head slowly, snapping out of this state of dizziness. He stared with a look of expectation on his face, reminding his trainer of the exciting journey she had promised through the cave.

Mildly embarrassed, Kaitie smiled sheepishly at the Pokemon, pulling herself together. She had done the handstand in the first place lead on by her Swablu, pulling her legs into the air, raising her trainer into the heavens with her cottony wings. As Kaitie had clawed at the grass hopelessly, the Swablu’s soft claws released her tauntingly, putting her into an inevitable handstand. Kaitie had been sucked into the moment, the incredulity at the upside down state of the world overwhelming her buzzing mind.

Kaitie sat up, staring into her Pokemon’s eyes. Her dark brown eyes swept the grassland south of Violet City, flowers and thriving grass and trees as far as the eye could see. A beautiful sight, and it was no wonder Kaitie was unwilling to leave it in such a hurry. The sun was shining gloriously, smiling gleefully in their faces. In a small insignificant corner of this beautiful sight lay a chunk of black and brown rock; Union Cave. She had promised her adventurous Pichu that they would explore the infamous cave, and was regretting the promise ever since.

“Why don’t we stay here a little longer?” she offered hopefully. “Winter is just over, so the sun is still kinda dull, not too sunny! It’s perfect weather to sit in this field and relax, huh?”

Her Pichu’s expression changed as she said the sentence. First, it was a look of confusion, followed by anger, incredulity, and finally misery. He gave a little whine and hopped further towards the cave, his ears sagging downwards hopelessly, displaying his look of persuasive cuteness. Her Swablu turned around slowly, her beak sagging as she looked up at the trainer. She knew it was because she was trying to persuade Kaitie to deny her Pichu’s wishes. A hygienic, fussy Pokemon who favoured cleanliness and her looks, Swablu knew how dirty caves could be and was not eager to ruin her clean, cottony wings. Admiring the pure white clouds, which made up Swablu’s wings, Kaitie sat on the ground, picking at a blade of grass while pondering what to do.

Sitting in the grass and taking in the wonderful, flawless weather was obviously the better alternative, but Kaitie realised that it was not why she had embarked on this journey with her Pokemon. She had come for adventure, sharing priceless and adventurous memories with her Pokemon. Sparing one last longing look at the beautiful grassland, she stood up, sighing with defeat.

“We’ll go in. I promised you guys we would.. Who knows? It might be fun!” she stated happily, before hearing her Swablu’s bratty cry as she sat on the ground firmly, covering herself with her wings. Kaitie giggled and bent down, cradling the bird Pokemon in her arms.

“Come on Swablu! Don’t be such a princess! It will be fun in there.. You know, we might even catch another Pokemon! How awesome would that be?”

Pichu ran up to her and squeaked with excitement, pulling on her wrist fervently towards the cave. She released the grumpy Swablu and followed the ecstatic Pokemon, noticing the bird behind her flapping its graceful wings with a newfound ferocity at being dropped. Shaking her head at the Pokemon fluttering behind her, she thought about the day she had caught her Swablu. It had just been last winter, near Fallabor town in Hoenn. In the town where it never snowed, she had been graced with the presence of the miracle of it; snow falling all over the town, overtaking the ash to claim its new home. She had spent the entire winter in Fallabor with the Swablu, learning her true personality, which included her cleanliness and over the top caring about her appearance. She was a natural girl; very feminine in her approach to life, not unique for a beautiful creature like a Swablu.

As they finally reached the cave, heaving loudly at the long run, yet giggling for an unknown reason. She collapsed on the ground with fatigue, soaking up the moment and absorbing her surroundings. The glorious sun shone down on her, embracing her skin like a mother embraces a child, surrounding her with warmth. Closing her eyes, she found herself feeling ultimate relaxation, the wonderful feeling spreading throughout her body, tingling at her fingertips and pleasure down her spine.

The shade of yellow that engulfed her vision turned to gray, feeling the sunlight blocked on her upper torso. She suddenly felt a cold shudder run through her body and she opened her eyes with annoyance. Her mouth opened to give an impatient remark until she saw the expression on the man above; worrisome, for one. His dark, bushy eyebrows were lowered until they almost covered his squinty eyes, his thin mouth in an almost comical frown; a perfect crescent moon.

She looked upwards at him nervously. He was quite bulky and large, very intimidating for the young girl of 12. “What do you want?” she didn’t mean to snap, but her obvious annoyance with him interrupting her peaceful thoughts seemed to leak out of her voice.

His gaze was still steady. “Are you going in the cave?” he asked briskly, his low, rough voice matching his bulky appearance.

“Maybe I am. What’s it to you?” Kaitie said coolly, hoisting herself up on her elbows.

His already-low eyebrows were hitched even lower as he scowled. “You don’t know what’s in there? Why everyone says it’s haunted?”

Kaitie felt her Pokemon laying next to her shift their positions nervously. She sat up straighter until she had her legs crossed. She was unnerved by the man’s presence, and the things he was saying to her.

“Haunted?” she gulped, her eyes darting to look at the cave. “What do you mean? That there’s ghost Pokemon in there or something?”

He sighed and offered a large, calloused hand towards her. She stared at the gesture with a puzzled expression before realising he was offering to help her up. Muttering a quiet “Oh..”, she grabbed his hand and felt the muscles in his arm lift her entire body upwards, light as a feather. She stumbled a little at his sudden outburst of strength, before staring him expectantly in the eyes.

“Well.. Folks who live around here are used to Ghost Pokemon. There’s a city back there that is filled with ghost; even has a haunted tower. And from what they know about them, they can sure tell it’s no ghost Pokemon in there,” he paused to spare an almost fearful look at the cave, his emotionless face forming a pained expression as he looked back at Kaitie. He continued in his low, monotone of a voice. “Every few days they’ll hear moaning in that cave. Horrible moaning, they say it’s ‘filled with despair’, or something. Like the ghost that’s in there is sad, or angry.. Or missing something. Everyone is terrified to go in there, because they reckon that the angry ghost wouldn’t want to be disturbed..”

Kaitie felt chills creep up her spine as she stood in the shadow of the large boy infront of her. “So they hear moaning in the cave? That’s creepy, dude!”

He nodded gravely. “That’s why you shouldn’t go in there.. What‘s your name, anyway?”

“I’m Kaitie. And you, Mr. Mysterious?” she sniggered.

“I’m Matthew. But.. Just call me Matt. That’s what my friends at school call me anyhow,” he said sheepishly, his knotted eyebrows rising from seriousness. His dark face seemed to light up with his new light-hearted persona.

“Wait - school? You go to school? So you’re not.. Like.. 20?” Kaitie blurted, immediately regretting her choice of words after seeing Matt’s offended face. “No, no.. Ahh, I just meant that you look old for your age.”

Matt’s offended expression quickly faded and was replaced with one of laughter. “Yes, everyone says that. I’m just pretty big.. Anyway,” his tone became more serious and his face darker. “Are you still going in there?”

At this point, Kaitie’s Pichu jumped on her shoulder, his body shaking with excitement. He squealed with pleasure, sending a painful sensation down Kaitie’s arm. She rotated her shoulder painfully, telling her Pichu, “Stop shocking me when you get excited! And what’s all this about, anyway?”

The Pichu gave her a sheepish look, before pointing towards the cave. “Pichu! Pi, Pi!” he squealed, bouncing up and down on her shoulder, leaving her fearful that he would drop off. Swablu then fluttered up, interested in the mouse Pokemon’s outburst.

Matt’s eyes narrowed, a puzzled expression crossing his face. “I think your Pichu is saying he wants to go in the cave.”

Kaitie looked at Pichu, eyes wide. He nodded furiously, before getting down on his knees and pleading towards Kaitie, his hands clasped together as though in a prayer. She rolled her eyes at him. “Are you serious? Did you not hear about the potential angry ghost?!”

Swablu than floated gracefully onto Kaitie’s other shoulder, ruffling her cottony wings in a smug manner. She looked up at Kaitie with pleading eyes, and Kaitie let out a growl of frustration.

“What? You too? I thought you were the only sane one! Guys, I know you want adventure but -” she stopped mid sentence, remembering her thoughts on her journey before Matt had talked to her. She had promised herself an adventure, hadn’t she? She couldn’t break her word to her Pokemon.. Or herself.

Kaitie sighed. “Okay.. Let’s go in. But if we hear any moaning, we’re out of there, got it?”

Matt was in the midst of turning around and heading towards the grassland, before his square shoulders froze and he turned around slowly, his dark eyebrows lowered to an almost comical extent.

“If you’re going in there… I’ll go with you. You’ll.. You’ll need someone else in there. And I’ve got more Pokemon..” he said, in what he hoped was a helpful tone.

Kaitie saw that his steady gaze was not focused on her; rather, the dark pupils were shifted slightly to the right, staring right across her shoulder. Even without looking, Kaitie knew he was staring longingly at the cave. She was puzzled, as Matt had expressed his fear of the cave a few seconds ago, fervently warning her not to enter the cave.

“Okay, Matt…” she said hesitantly, attempting to catch his eye. “I guess curiosity got the better of you, huh? Let’s.. let’s go!”

Kaitie knew her face was doubtful, so she brightly gestured for him to follow. He nodded darkly, before following Kaitie’s confident march towards the cave. Whom was she fooling? Kaitie was breaking down inside, she was so afraid of the unknown monsters that she was driven by pure curiosity and lies; lies to herself, lies of safety in the cave, lies of confidence.

As the cave’s entrance beared down on them, Kaitie paused her marching. She said in what was supposed to be a confident tone but instead came out as a frightened squeak, “So.. What’s this cave called?”

Matt gave an amused expression towards Kaitie and replied, “Union Cave.”

“Oh,” she squeaked yet again, flinching at her own fear. Taking a deep breath of reassurance, she stepped into the unknown, the murky waters; the darkness of a cave.
Laptop died. Using phone.

Last edited by Splishee; 01-16-2008 at 02:37 PM.
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Old 01-15-2008, 12:07 PM
Splishee Offline
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Default Re: Burning Haunted Lakes.

Part 2: Lost

The minute she stepped inside, all that she saw or felt was darkness. It smothered her like a blanket, spreading gradually around her entire body. It muffled her breath, choking her lungs as the dust and mould of the cave entered them, going down like sandpaper. All around her she heard coughing, a constant reminder of the horrible atmosphere in the cave. For a short while, she thought she had her eyes closed, but as she blinked furiously, her vision didn’t change. There is no darkness in the world like cave darkness; the epitome of the unknown, an eternal blackness. They were unable to see the difference between reality and closed eyes, which was irritating as well as frightening. It was expected for the cave to be quiet, but she was surprised to hear constant cries of Pokemon, echoing off the cave’s inflexible walls and ringing in her ears. The entire first minute in the darkness of the cave was hell for Kaitie, not seeing or feeling anything, her only reliance on her sense of smell and hearing, which were constantly attacked with unpleasant things.

She sensed Matt fumbling something behind her, yet could not tell how she had sensed it; all her ways of interpreting things around her were jumbled and mixed up, shocked by the sudden change in atmosphere. Her eyes were suddenly burned as a flash blinded her; Matt had fumbled a Pokeball, and released some sort of hideous, blinding flame infront of her. As she blinked ferociously, attempting to get rid of the white spots which stained her eyes, she saw the source of the flame.

“A Charmander,” she breathed, her eyes widening at the small, red, reptilian creature infront of her which bore a flickering flame at the end of its spiny tail.

“Yeah. She’s the bravest Pokemon I know. She knows all the moves that could get us through the cave.. Strength, rock smash, smokescreen.. You name it. And her flame can let us see!” Matt said fondly, doting over the small Pokemon infront of them.

The Charmander cooed at Matt before beginning to walk, giving light to the entire cave. The Pokemon at Kaitie’s shoulder egged her on, but she was paralysed by fear. Her legs were like jelly; she felt that if she moved them, her entire body would crumble onto the floor. She let out a silent cry as fear overwhelmed her; taking over her body. She felt a heavy hand on her shoulder. It was Matt, looking at her with worry etched on his face.

“You okay?” he asked cautiously.

Kaitie felt soothed by his soft voice, and shook away her fears with a shake of her head. She was already in the cave, wasn’t she? She had done that much, she couldn’t back away now. A small voice in the back of her skull argued otherwise, but she shut her eyes and breathed. She had made a promise. A promise to herself and her Pokemon. Moreover, this would be exciting.. wouldn’t it?

She gulped down the remaining bits of saliva down her dry throat. “Y-yeah,” she stuttered, walking onwards, each step frozen and hard.

Matt told his Charmander to explore with them, and she nodded, flashing a smile at the Pokemon on Kaitie’s shoulder. She let out a dry, raspy laugh at the Pokemon’s comfort in the eeriness of the cave. She suddenly wished she had a flame in her body.. To light up any darkness she pleased.

As they walked onwards, they studied the cave’s walls. There were Zubats around every corner, sleeping, as it was the day, but nonetheless unnerving. The bony figures of the bat-like creatures on the wall would shift position and occasionally one would put its head up, freezing Kaitie on the spot until the flame of the Pokemon had passed over the disturbed Zubat. Her Pokemon were having a blast; they leaped off her shoulders and Swablu, despite her hatred of the dirt and grime of the cave, was fluttering around, cooing at the male Zubats but was still weary of touching the dark, lumpy walls which surrounded them.

As they moved along, Kaitie felt herself giggling with her Pokemon and even Matt was cracking smiles now and then. Swablu and Pichu had lifted her worrisome spirits, giving her a sense of euphoria as they skipped around the cave, jumping in and out of the darkness like toddlers tipping their toes into swimming pools. Kaitie felt them all going deeper and deeper into the cave, which bothered that small part in the back of her mind, but she was mainly filled with glee, her adrenaline from her fear carrying her throughout the cave, like floating on a jumpy and nervous cloud.

At the height of her euphoria, she became quite reckless. Matt started to quieten down and become his usually broody self as Kaitie became louder and more careless. Matt seemed more interested in looking on every corner, his fingers twitching towards his belt whenever Charmander’s light flashed upon a moving creature. His dark eyes would constantly sweep the area, scowling at the Zubats and nervously looking over his shoulder at every turn. Kaitie, however, becoming careless, ran off the walls, bumping into the sleeping Zubats and creating a lot of noise. She realised afterwards that this reckless behaviour was not the best thing to do in a cave which is filled with timid Pokemon. Upon turning a corner, she was giggling with her Pokemon ecstatically, and before she knew it, something had knocked her viciously, and she was stumbling down into the darkness. Her arms flailed hopelessly to grasp onto something to break her fall into the unknown, hitting small creatures, throwing them around from their sleep. Before she finally fell to the ground, the world seemed to be in slow motion. She felt like an idiot. She knew what she had done. As her chest slammed on the ground, all the wind was knocked out of her, preventing her gasping voice from shouting a warning.

However, it was too late; the disturbed Zubats’ wings were fluttering with annoyance, their raspy and ear-piecing calls rebounding off the cave’s walls, awaking other creatures of the darkness. Even without looking up, Kaitie could taste their anger and feel their fear. Intruders had entered their territory, disturbed their nocturnal sleep. Although they had meant no harm, the Zubats’ natural instinct had told them that they were enemies, or worse; predators. Screeching and bashing their wings off walls blindly, Zubats awoke from everywhere, as though it was some kind of vivid nightmare. Charmander’s light rebounded off walls, flashing in various directions as her tail shook violently, running from the Pokemon. The light would show them the Zubat’s angry faces, and then it would be gone; it was like a flickering light bulb being thrown around the cave. The light was suddenly wiped away, and Kaitie assumed the poor Pokemon had tripped in its frightened fit. It was at this point the Zubats charged.

Flying, screeching and attacking them, Kaitie was on the ground, unscathed. They flew right over her, blindly unknowing of the perpetrator which lay underneath them. She heard Matt and the Pokemon behind her screaming, running away, not aware of Kaitie’s state. The noise of the Zubat’s echoed around the whole cave, the deafening screeches heard in every direction. She closed her eyes tightly, regretting what she had done by the second, the Zubats causing a racket above her; then away from her, before finally falling silent. Matt, Swablu and Pichu would be kilometres away by now; the cave had so many twists and turns that it would be almost impossible to find them. In addition, she didn’t even know which direction they had run!

It was a full five minutes before the stampede had died down, and Kaitie opened her eyes, looking around the cave. The Zubats were long gone, the cave walls bare and dusty, the last pigments of dust from the corruption swirling around her head peacefully. Sitting up, it was at this point she realised that she could see.. but where was Charmander? Standing up with surprising speed from the adrenaline pumping in her veins, she quickly spotted the small, blood red creature almost directly infront of her. She was right; the Pokemon had tripped over, and was now curled like a baby on the cave floor, head under her arms. Kaitie crawled carefully towards the shaken Pokemon, before resting her hand gently on her back. The Charmander gave a start, putting its head up and giving a frightened squeak, before recognising Kaitie and sighing with relief.

“I guess we’re on our own with this one,” Kaitie sighed, looking around. Charmander nodded, looking at her toes and hanging her head. “Hey, chin up! We’ll find them. They couldn’t have gone far.. The cave is quiet now, so if we call them they should be able to hear us, huh?”

Charmander gave her a doubtful look, before getting up shakily, causing the light from her flame to flicker in the cave. Kaitie was blinded by the violent change of light, waiting a few seconds for the white dots to fade in her eyelids. She turned around, looking at all the different forks in the road.

“Crap,” she swore, looking down at Charmander for guidance.

Kaitie could tell that Charmander was not very fond of her, especially since she had caused all this, behaving like an idiot. The Pokemon was cold towards her, refusing to look her in the eye and walking down a path without giving her warning. Kaitie groaned and slumped after her, hanging her head and following the light ahead.

As they went deeper and deeper into the cave, it gradually became colder. They called until their voices were hoarse, they walked until their bodies were numb. Kaitie shivered and wrapped her arms around her, yearning to be close to Charmander’s warm flame, but she wouldn’t let her come within two metres distance of her. If she did, Charmander would walk faster, giving Kaitie a cold look over her shoulder. The freezing atmosphere suffocated Kaitie, the charm and exciting appeal that the cave had once held fading rapidly. She wished nothing more than to get out of the cave and forget about everything that had happened, but she couldn’t leave Matt or her dearest Pokemon in there.. With this piercing thought, she continued to scream with a newfound ferocity, screaming Matt’s and each Pokemon’s name a few times and waiting, panting hoarsely with tears forming in her eyes.

Charmander noticed Kaitie’s desperation and hurt, and started to gradually slow down. Now and then, she would look over her shoulder with not cold eyes, but rather, sensitive and caring ones. She knew that Kaitie regretted her reckless actions thoroughly, and truly cared about her Pokemon and Charmander’s trainer. She continued to slow down until she was walking alongside her, the silence broken by a few cooed, “Char, char..” from the affectionate Pokemon.

Kaitie saw Charmander’s change of heart, and was thankful. She couldn’t stand the ringing silence, worse than any amount of Zubats screeching. She started to make small talk with Charmander, the freezing cold making her teeth chatter uncontrollably and limbs freeze up, making it harder and harder to walk. Every corner brought false hope and every lone Zubat stirring brought a soon-faded smile to Kaitie’s face. It was constant torment to find their lost friends.

As the atmosphere became even colder, deeper into the cave, Kaitie began to smell a different scent. She froze in her spot, causing the chatty Charmander to run back to her, giving Kaitie a puzzled look. She sniffed the air carefully, and felt the atmosphere become damp.

“Charmander,” she whispered, causing Charmander to show more incredulity. She glanced down at the Pokemon, adding, “No, no. Really.. Can’t you smell that? And the cave.. It feels so.. Wet.”

Charmander’s eyes widened, sniffing around and gasping, her tail waving, causing the light in the cave to flash and shake violently. She started to run deeper into the cave, the light from the flame on her tail fading into the distance. Kaitie hissed for her to come back, feeling the sudden need to be quiet. She was confused by the feeling, as though there was something ahead that was different.. That commanded quietness with its silent presence.

Kaitie shivered and walked slowly down the cave’s natural pathway. The walls started to close down on them, causing claustrophobia to attack Kaitie with its knives. She gasped as the roof came down on her, the walls smoothed inwards, until there was only a thin path to walk on. It was like a path in the city next to the road; cramped.

Running along to keep the flame just in her view, she saw the light becoming brighter and brighter, not moving. She realised Charmander had stopped running, which could only mean one thing. She had reached her destination.. There was really something down there, Kaitie’s senses were right! She picked up the pace, her feet jittering with her body as it shook with excitement, yearning to see what was down the path. She let out a hoarse little giggle and started to sprint, before Charmander’s body came into view. She spared one excited look at the small Pokemon before raising her head, ready to see what was there.

Nothing. A dead end. Kaitie felt her anticipation shatter inside her and a twinge of regret in the pit of her stomach. She had been wishing that something had been there. She also felt guilty, she had distracted herself and Charmander with this hopeless ‘investigation’. Charmander looked up at her with sympathetic eyes, and when she caught her eye, she shrugged, turning around slowly and walking back down the cramped pathway.

Kaitie clenched her fist and gritted her teeth, knowing that this couldn’t be it. There had to be something here, she knew there had to be. Why did the atmosphere suddenly turn damp and wet? In addition, why could she still smell the scent of water? She put her palm on the wall infront of her, feeling the coolness on her sweaty hand, the sweat from the anticipation she had felt. The wall felt unusual, not as stiff and steady as the walls around her. Standing back, she looked up at the top of the dead end’s wall, and realised that the corners had darkness leaking out of them, the wall unable to cover them as it was.. circular..

Kaitie gasped, and excitedly screamed Charmander’s name. The Pokemon was not far away, as her light still reached where Kaitie was standing in order to see the secret of the wall. She screamed Charmander’s name again and the Pokemon skidded around the corner, running to Kaitie’s side, puffing and heaving.

Char.. Char?” she gasped, staring at Kaitie expectantly.

Kaitie pointed to the wall. “See the corners, Charmander? There’s no wall there! There’s another room on the other side of this, look at the darkness!” With the light brighter, Kaitie noticed something she hadn’t spotted before. “Look! There’s a blue kind of light in the other room.. It must be water! The water is reflecting the light that you’re giving, Charmander! And this.. This wall..”

Kaitie paused, pondering the large piece of rock infront of her. “I’m guessing..” she began, excitement creeping back into her voice, “That this.. This is a boulder! Look! See how it’s circular? It’s a boulder! A boulder, Charmander!”

Her eyes were alive, proud of herself for figuring this out. What could be behind the boulder? The thoughts of the ghost, which Matt had warned her of, passed right over her brain; she was pondering the lake in there, new kinds of Pokemon, another exit.. Maybe people lived in there! She looked excitedly down at Charmander, who was studying the boulder, a smile creeping up her lips.

Char!” she exclaimed, walking up to the boulder. She shook her head, flexing her small muscles. Closing her eyes, the Charmander rested a small claw on the boulder infront of her. Kaitie had a wild thought that the Pokemon was trying to telepathically crush the boulder, but it was must worse than that; Charmander jumped into the air, pushing her weight against the chunk of rock. She was trying to move the boulder! Pushing her entire body against the rock, it refused to shift its position. Charmander sat back, sweat running down her forehead. She gave the boulder an annoyed glare, standing back up.

Kaitie’s eyes widened at the Pokemon’s durability; she simply refused to give up. She watched her try and fail, every time the boulder would move the tiniest bit, but refused to let Charmander push the entire thing over. Charmander's body would expand; bulk up. Before her entire body had the chance to grow tougher in order for her to push the boulder, Charmander would be pushed by excitement and she would enthusiastically hit the boulder. She would fail every time and be weakened. Charmander looked tough, so tt was as though the boulder was guarding something.. A courageous guard for the thing it loved most, standing strong despite the amount of willpower.

As Kaitie was beginning to hang her head, ready to tell the Pokemon bitterly that it would never work, and to continue looking for their friends, something miraculous happened. Charmander’s tail blazed more than it had ever blazed before as she bulked up to her maximum potential, and threw its body, like a rag doll, at the boulder. She hit it with such ferocity and determination that Charmander began to literally swell up, her body’s muscles tightening and expanding. In one last devastating hit, Charmander smashed the boulder with her buffed-up muscles and the boulder was pushed viciously outwards, creating a perfect arch to walk through.

Kaitie’s eyes widened and ran towards the Pokemon, who was shrinking by the second. She gave it a well-deserved hug and stared in amazement. Charmander’s knowing look suggested that Kaitie shouldn’t be surprised, that she had known this all along. Kaitie returned this look with a puzzled one, before suddenly remembering what Matt had told her when they had first entered the cave:

“She’s the bravest Pokemon I know. She knows all the moves that could get us through the cave.. Strength, rock smash, smokescreen.. You name it.

Kaitie sighed. Of course! Charmander knew the move Strength.. And she was able to move the boulder. She nodded, realisation dawning on her, and Charmander giggled at her. In almost complete synchronisation, the girls turned their heads slowly to the opening in the wall, each gasping and contemplating what to do next. Kaitie stood up and began walking into the archway, before turning back and looking Charmander in the eyes. The small, reptilian Pokemon got up slowly, stumbling from her outburst of power, but walked onwards steadily into the next room in the cave.
Laptop died. Using phone.

Last edited by Splishee; 01-15-2008 at 01:17 PM.
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Old 01-15-2008, 12:11 PM
Splishee Offline
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Default Re: Burning Haunted Lakes.

Part 3: The Ghost

Kaitie’s anticipation was bursting inside of her, lifting her upwards like a cloud. Excited feelings circulated her head, buzzing with joy and pumping adrenaline. Her eyes glimmered in Charmander’s bright flame, and she bit the inside of her lip nervously. It wasn’t like the feelings she had before; she knew it was real this time. Something was inside, waiting for her, waiting to be discovered. This was adventure; this was what she had wanted all along.

The atmosphere grew even denser and she could literally taste the water in her mouth. She felt herself running around the boulder, stopping just as she was around it. She breathed in sharply, her breath taken away from her as she saw the wonders of this room.

The cave room’s walls were just like any other wall she had seen in the never-ending cave. Dirty, blackened and dust-covered, they didn’t give off any kind of uniqueness or displayed anything remotely different or special about the room. But.. It wasn’t a room. It was an entire cave, all on its own. Creeping on the edges of the cave floor was water of a lake. It slapped the bank, each wave echoing throughout the mini-cave, ringing in Kaitie’s ears. The lake’s water was dark and murky, or maybe it was just the fact that it was reflecting the cave’s roof - which was incredibly dark. The lake seemed to never end, stretching upwards and across as far as the eye could see, glimmering and glistening in Charmander’s flame.

She was breathless. Her head spinning, she sat on the ground, wondering how long this wonderful part of the cave had been hidden. Charmander sat next to her, but shifted her position wearily. She seemed to be afraid of the water, which didn’t bother Kaitie in the slightest. A fire Pokemon, Charmander would have been naturally weak to water, but she didn’t know that she had developed an actual fear of it. She shrugged it off, deciding to sit and admire the wonderful cave she had come into with this brave little Charmander.

Kaitie froze. A billowing noise was just audible in her ears. Above the swishing of the lake water and the different echoes, which surrounded her, the moaning-like noise floated high above the rest.

Wait.. moaning-like?

There is was again! Kaitie began to sweat, as the sound became more defined and echoed off the walls, sounding like a dynamite explosion to Kaitie’s frightened nerves. Moaning and groaning, the noise surrounded them, running circles around their heads and squeezing the perspiration out of Kaitie.

Charmander jumped up, giving a strangled cry, frozen on the spot. Kaitie now realised that this was why Charmander had been scared.. Somehow, she had sensed the ghost coming, or had already known that it was in the room..

Kaitie looked up at Charmander suspiciously, opening her mouth to question the Pokemon, but was drowned out by the moaning that was louder than ever, piercing her ears. It was not a low groan, more of a melody. As though whoever - or whatever - was doing it was singing some kind of lonely, longing song. As the voice grew louder and closer, it was even clearer - a beautiful song was being sung, the golden voice echoing around their heads. Kaitie felt herself entranced by the beautiful melody filled with sorrow, her eyes closed and head swaying to the golden voice. She sighed and opened her eyes, sparing one glance at Charmander, who seemed to be even more frightened. She snapped out of the trance and put her hand on Charmander’s shoulder, who shook it off and sat there, paralysed with fear, as though knowing what was swimming towards them in the lake.. The owner of the golden voice..

Kaitie looked up, the haunting melody louder than ever. There was a figure in the distance, a long, slender neck was all that was visible, with the eyes flashing light blue from Charmander’s flame. As the figure grew closer, Kaitie felt herself becoming nervous, unnerved. This had to be the ghost that Matt had warned her about.. But it didn’t seem to be frightening, or even a ghost for that matter. It looked like..

A Pokemon. A Pokemon a deep shade of sky blue with the body of a horse, yet legs were replaced by slimy fins, paddling alongside of the water Pokemon. As she came into view, Kaitie gasped in amazement and wonder at the beautiful Pokemon, who was still holding one long, sorrow, golden note, her eyes closed peacefully and her neck stretched towards the heavens. She was so graceful and peaceful, a Pokemon of ultimate magnificence, floating in all her glory. Kaitie didn’t understand how this beautiful Lapras would live in this musty cave.

The Lapras finished its note, and bent its slender neck slightly to look Kaitie in the eye. Its thin mouth curved into a smile, and all was silent. The lake was silent and still, and it was though time had stopped. Kaitie and the Lapras exchanged and serene glare, as though they understood each other, and realisation dawned on Kaitie, the room suddenly brighter. This beautiful singing must have been heard as horrible, pained moaning from the outside, but really was a cry of loneliness, a song of sorrow. Kaitie was entranced by the lovely Pokemon sitting peacefully in the water. She looked down at Charmander, feeling oddly serene, but saw that Charmander was halfway across the room, just behind the boulder. She looked, puzzled, at the flickering light behind it, and walked over slowly.

“Charmander?” she whispered nervously, resting her hands on the boulder. She poked her head cautiously around the boulder, and was blown back by a horrible exhaust of smoke. Her body was slammed on the ground as she flew in the air, her entire nervous system screaming with pain. The smoke filled her lungs and she coughed violently, her eyes stung and watering. She heard voices and cries of Pokemon, but did not dare open her eyes for the deadly smoke, which surrounded her. She stood up, her body aching from the fall, and ran blindly until she toppled over something soft on the ground, causing yet another shooting pain around her body. She opened her eyes, and saw her Swablu shaking her wings, a pained expression on her face. She caught sight of Kaitie and screeched, flinging herself on top of her.

“Swablu! I’m so happy you’re ok! How did you get here? Where’s Pichu? Where’s Matt?” Kaitie blabbered, as she embraced her Swablu tightly.

As soon as she had mentioned Matt, Swablu released herself and looked up at Kaitie, tears of anger in her eyes. Pichu came running alongside her, and they both turned their heads and gestured where Matt was, staring at the Lapras in the lake with Charmander at his side. Matt and Charmander both had triumphant expressions on their faces, and Kaitie couldn’t help but agree with them. She looked over at them with a smile on her face, knowing they had to be feeling the same entrancing feelings she had felt when she first laid eyes on the beautiful beast.

She was still smiling, until she saw Charmander release an intense flame from her mouth, which made Kaitie’s eyes swelter from even that distance. The boiling flames licked Lapras’s slimy, sky blue skin and she roared in pain, backing away from the edge, staring at Matt with eyes full of sorrow and hurt. Matt just stood and laughed, egging his Charmander on.

Kaitie was shocked, and was suddenly filled with anger. She felt her whole body shake. She leapt up and ran towards Matt and Charmander, her legs numb and fists shaking. She shoved Matt’s large, bulky body with gritted teeth, and when he turned to face her, he wore an amused expression.

“What’s your problem?!” Kaitie screamed, glaring at Matt’s amused expression, and hating it. “Why are you telling Charmander to attack that poor creature? Can’t you see how peaceful it is?”

Matt laughed in her face. “Why did I tell Charmander to attack Lapras? Because I want to capture it, Kaitie. It’s one of the most powerful Pokemon around these parts, you idiot! When I heard about Lapras living in this cave, of course I wanted to come in here and capture it, who doesn’t?”

Kaitie stared at him blankly. “I thought you said that everyone thought there were ghosts in here? That everyone was afraid of the cave?”

“Oh please,” Matt snarled, his eyes travelling over to the Lapras and back to Kaitie. “I just told you that to get you to not want to come in here! I’ve been planning to capture that Lapras for months now, and I didn’t need some stupid girl coming in and finding it before me! But when you said you had to come in here,” he rolled his eyes, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “I thought I would come in with you, and destroy your chances of meeting it!"

Matt turned to face the Lapras again, leaving Kaitie staring into space, the truth of the whole situation creeping up her throat, bringing a flush up her neck. She had been fooled by the boy who she had just met. How could she have trusted him? She knew something seemed strange when he was all too keen to accompany her in the cave..

Matt turned back to her, frustration etched in the harsh lines of his face. "But, argh! Charmander stayed behind when I pushed you for a diversion, so there I was, stuck in some random part of the cave with your useless Pokemon!”

Kaitie, who was boiling with white-hot anger, screamed at him, “My Pokemon are not useless, they probably didn’t listen to you because of you’re harsh personality!”

She reflected on his speech for a second, her eyes widening. “You pushed me over into the Zubats? You tried to kill all of us?!”

“Come on. The Zubats wouldn’t have killed us. They simply flew away from us to find somewhere else to rest, you fool. But I knew you wouldn’t know this, so I figured it would be the perfect diversion. And you should thank my Charmander for even getting in here. Why do you even think that Charmander knew all the moves for cave exploration? Because I’d taught them to her for specifically this; finding Lapras! And now.. I have! I‘ll have the best Pokemon in my collection!” He spat, his eyes wild and light froth on his bottom lip. His hair seemed to crackle with electricity; he was wild. He had planned this whole thing.. And Kaitie knew that she needed to stop this eccentric boy from capturing the serene Lapras, who she knew would be kept in a horrible state.. Just part of his ‘collection’.

“Well, now you know my marvellous plot. I’ll just get rid of you so I can capture this Lapras..” he said briskly, his bushy eyebrows lowered in a scowl. “Charmander, flamethrower!”

The innocent Charmander took in a deep breath, preparing to cover Kaitie in flames. She panicked, and looked Charmander in the eyes. “Don’t do this Charmander! I know you have a good heart.. You can’t let your trainer capture this peaceful Pokemon and turn it into a monster!”

Her words seemed to slide right over Charmander’s eyes, as she was driven by only her trainer’s wishes, no matter how evil they seemed to be. The flame that she was about to conjure danced in her eyes, wild and evil. Her body glowed red and from her mouth, she released the white-hot flames, speeding towards her like a sweltering, red tornado.
Laptop died. Using phone.

Last edited by Splishee; 01-15-2008 at 01:27 PM.
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Old 01-15-2008, 12:13 PM
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Default Re: Burning Haunted Lakes.

Part 4: A Lake of Fire

Kaitie couldn’t move; she was paralysed with fear. She closed her eyes and gritted her teeth, preparing for the flames to scorch her skin. The heat finally hit her, cutting her like knives.. But she couldn’t feel the fire. She opened her eyes and saw the giant Lapras in all her glory, out of the water, protecting Kaitie from the flames. She heard her cry as they hit the water Pokemon, and her slender neck sloped down to the ground, injured.

Kaitie was incredibly touched by the Lapras, who had taken the hit for someone she had only met for a second. She realised that Lapras must have sensed who Matt was, and his purpose. Lapras’s head turned towards Kaitie on the ground, her injured eyes staring into Kaitie’s face. They told her one thing,

Help me,

Kaitie prevented the tears in her eyes from leaking as she saw the Pokemon’s state, and was shocked when another burst of flame came and burned the Lapras further. The flames scorched her skin, and even though her water type was resistant to fire, the three flamethrowers had injured her greatly. Kaitie looked back up at the Charmander, knowing what to do.

“Pichu! Come here!” she screamed, and, as quick as lighting, the excited Pichu was at her side.

Matt laughed. “You’re really going to try and defeat my Charmander with that little weakling of a Pokemon?”

Kaitie snarled. “Don’t listen to him Pichu,” she whispered passionately.

Pichu nodded, and he stared into the eyes of the Charmander, electricity flowing throughout his body. He was ready for the battle; he wanted to make Matt pay after his horrible actions towards Swablu and him. Charmander glared back at Pichu, her flame on her tail glowing brighter as adrenaline pumped through her.

Matt was quick to respond to the challenge. “Charmander, hit the mouse with a smokescreen!”

Pichu’s eyes widened as Charmander growled, the fire inside of her billowing up thick, black smoke. The smoke came hurling out of her mouth, filling the room with the horrible substance at an incredible rate. Pichu fell to the ground, coughing and wheezing as the smoke blinded him. Kaitie closed her eyes also, knowing of the Charmander’s strength and wondering if Pichu really had a shot.

“Pichu, while the smoke is clearing I want you to use Nasty Plot, alright?” Kaitie shouted, eyes slammed shut, to her Pichu, praying that the electric mouse could hear her. To her relief, she heard a faint, “Pi! Pi!

Opening her eyes to a squint, she could see her Pichu amongst the smoke glowing and smiling maliciously at Charmander. He rose his arms to the heavens, squealing with an evil glare in his eyes, building the electricity inside of him with the malicious thoughts. As the smoke began to clear, Pichu lowered himself and froze in a position, ready to use his new-found power to attack Charmander.

Matt, however, hadn’t noticed that Pichu had used Nasty Plot, and was unknowing as to why the small mouse looked so confident. He ordered his Charmander to frighten Pichu with a Scary Face, which the evil-minded Pokemon was only so happy to do. Kaitie shook her head sadly at the small Pokemon, her mind twisted and transformed like play-dough, seeing only what Matt wanted her to see, thinking only what Matt wanted her to think. She was about to scream at Pichu to dodge the attack, but it was too late; Pichu was frozen on the spot, losing its confidence as Charmander’s face darkened. His glare was full of evil and taunt, staring Pichu down, only wishing to keep him frozen. A speedy Pokemon like Pichu was exactly what Matt didn’t want; one-sided brute force was how he wanted to end the battle, and he was taunting Kaitie and Pichu in order to get it.

“Pichu, come on, snap out of it and use a thundershock!” Kaitie gasped, seeing her Pokemon looking afraid, but the sound of Kaitie’s voice seemed to soothe him.

Pichu began to sparkle, but his fear seemed to slow his attacks down. He tried to release the electricity, but his fear prevented him many times from doing it. Kaitie saw this and felt frustrated, egging him on but Charmander was preparing for her next attack.

“Flamethrower!” Matt boomed, his eyes glistening, looking over at the Lapras on the floor, knowing that he would be able to get his hands on her in less than a minute.

Kaitie panicked as she saw the flames licking at Charmander’s mouth, ready to be released. She shouted at Pichu to hurry up, that he needed to save Lapras. Pichu heard her call, and concentrated. Pichu had been with Kaitie ever since she had first started her journey. He had battled numerous times, his friendship growing with her every day. Remembering all these memories, and thinking only of the Lapras who lay, injured, at Kaitie’s feet, Pichu overcame his fear from the Charmander and the electricity built up inside him. In almost complete synchronisation, the vortex of flame came shooting out of Charmander’s mouth and an enormous surge of electricity was pushed out of Pichu, the sparkle travelling across the room.

The cackle of electricity and the burning of the flames collided, exploding upon impact. The flames shot in every direction, built up powerfully by the electricity. They flew all over the cave, setting various rocks alight around them and flying into the water, extinguished. However, some of the flame, which still held electricity, stayed on the water, giving electrical surges throughout the lake. It was a miraculous sight; sparkling and fiery, the water was alight for a few seconds; cackling flames covering the water’s surface, eliminating the darkness. The entire cave was dazzling, glowing brighter than anything they had ever seen. The fire died down, but the water remained alight; the liquid powering the electrical fire.

Various rocks around them were still alight with the electrical fire, and she realised they weren’t going to die down anytime soon, and wouldn’t be extinguished by water. The fiery water and rocks created some kind of fire arena around the battle, blazing and dazzling; an effect that unnerved Kaitie. She looked back up at Matt, whose shoulder was alight and he was attempting to put it out. She used this distraction to tell an injured Pichu, “Finish Charmander off with a quick attack!”

Pichu, whose face was singed and body shaking, prepared to attack Charmander. The light from the electrical fire on the lake blazed in his eyes, his reflexes and senses boosted. He carefully planned his route and ran at Charmander with extreme speed, faster than the eye could see. Charmander never caught the electrical mouse coming; the violent impact Pichu left suddenly blew her away when he hit her, the concentration shown making it a critical hit. Charmander went flying near the fiery water, definitely too close for comfort for the small Pokemon. She yelped and backed away from the scorching lake, before being tripped over by a cheeky Pichu and being thrust into a burning rock behind her.

The fire’s flames embraced the Charmander, causing minor damage to the fire type, yet she screamed in pain to her unforgiving trainer, eyes yearning for comfort from him.

Matt, realising what was happening, screamed to his Pokemon, “Charmander! Get up and get rid of that worthless twerp! Give him a taste of your strength attack!”

Charmander stumbled off the burning rock, the electrical flames still present on her skin. She shook them off and started to swell up, her muscles growing larger and her tail growing brighter. She built up her body structure in order to smash Pichu to the ground, but Kaitie was ahead of her. She had seen the Pokemon do this, she knew how the move operated.

“Pichu! Before she grows, use a thundershock! She’s weakest as she’s bulking up for the attack!” she screamed, recalling the over-enthusiastic Charmander trying to push the rock before she had the chance to bulk up thoroughly.

Pichu looked up and nodded, his confidence returning as the fire around them glowed brighter than ever before. The power from his nasty plot still within him, he gathered the last remains of electricity within him quickly to demolish the building Pokemon. Kaitie watched the Pokemon release the electricity from his glowing body as if it was in slow motion. The fire danced before her eyes, flickering as the jolt of electricity flew past it, quick as lightning. She saw Charmander’s eyes widen as the electricity hit her squarely in the chest, knocking her over in her weakest state. As she fell over, she saw Matt’s screaming, and the world returned to normal motion. Charmander was on the floor, knocked out, and Matt angrily pulled out his Pokeball, returning the unfortunate Pokemon.

Kaitie looked down at Pichu, who was too tired to describe. His body was weakened, his eyes losing the enthusiastic spark they usually bore. Tail and ears drooping, he fell to the ground; not fainting, merely resting after he had released all the electricity he could muster. Kaitie bent down beside him, stroking his head. The fire around began to die down, knowing the battle had been won.

As the remaining embers flickered and died, Kaitie stared intensely at her Pichu. “You were great. You’ve improved so much since you’re first battle. I’m so proud of you, Pichu,” she spoke, emotions inside her choking her up. She was full of so much pride that her eyes began to water, watching the exhausted Pokemon beside her use his remaining strength to give her a smile. She pulled out Pichu’s Pokeball and, with a flash of red light, Pichu was gone. Safe and sound inside the Pokeball, protected from further harm.

Kaitie stood up, serene and exhausted. She looked around, and couldn’t find Matt. Where was he? Suddenly, she heard laughter from behind her; hoarse and brisk. Matt was laughing.

She turned around, facing Matt who was standing next to the Lapras. She was still peaceful, eyes closed on the shore, as though waiting to be taken away from this place. She was puzzled, until she saw Matt holding a Pokeball.

“No,” she whispered.

“Oh yes,” he grinned maliciously, holding the Pokeball in front of him. “Did you really think you were getting rid of be that easily? Lapras will be mine, and you can’t do anything about it!”

His laugh was high pitched and wild, triumph written all over his face. Although Kaitie’s heart ached, he was right; she couldn’t stop him. Pichu was close to fainting, and even if she ran towards him, Lapras would be secured tightly in the Pokeball and that would be the end of it. Kaitie stood there and began to cry, knowing that she couldn’t save the Lapras even if she wanted to.

And then, like an angel from the heavens, a pure white, cottony animal flew gracefully from out of nowhere. Her wings reflected the dazzling fire from the lake, creating a beautiful work of art flying in the air as though painted off a canvas. It was Swablu; she had watched the entire fight and now knew what needed to be done. She swooped down serenely and her wings were spread out wide and stiff; no doubt a wing attack. Matt didn’t even see it coming; and before he knew it, the cottony wings had stiffened and hit his face ferociously, knocking him to the ground and his Pokeball into the burning lake. It was demolished within seconds; his last Pokeball, his last chance of catching the Lapras.

As Matt sat up, ready to take the Lapras in any way possible, he was swooped by the Swablu again, pecked at the skull, searing pain sent down his spine. Swablu's attacks were brought with so much ferocity and anger; like those that Pichu had attacked with, powered by the thirst for revenge. Her eyes were wild and she sung happily as Matt let out a grunt of pain. He suddenly jumped up, swatting the angelic bird above. Giving up and staring at Lapras longingly, only evil thoughts circulating his mind, he ran out the archway, sparing one last threatening glare at Kaitie.

But Kaitie didn’t care; she had won. She ran towards her Swablu, grabbing her from the air and pulling her into an embrace. The Swablu cooed at her and Kaitie suddenly felt extremely grateful of the Pokemon she owned; a feeling that Matt, she knew, would never be able to experience.

Swablu perched on her shoulder lovingly, Kaitie turned her head to Lapras. The once serene and lovely creature was collapsed on the ground; burnt, tired and emotionally drained. She was laying there, as though asking, in her silence, to be taken away from here. Away from the loneliness, no companions in the abandoned cave. Away from the sorrow, to be with others who truly cared about her. Kaitie’s eyes glistened with emotion, and she bent down next to the saddening Pokemon. She ran her hand gently down Lapras’s slender neck, hearing her shallow breathing and feeling her desire. Kaitie knew what she had to do. Running her other hand on her belt, she grasped a red and white ball. The Pokeball felt light in her hands, as though asking to be the home of the lonely Pokemon. A flash of red light; a small, golden voice full of relief.. Lapras was in the Pokeball, and as it wiggled slightly, Kaitie knew she had Lapras given the chance to escape her loneliness.


The end of Lapras catching part!
Ready for grading! Good luck..
Laptop died. Using phone.

Last edited by Splishee; 01-26-2008 at 02:52 AM.
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Old 01-29-2008, 10:49 PM
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Default Re: Cave Darkness

Sorry for the wait. D:

Story/Plot: For the most part, this story had a lot of positive points to it. Your writing style is really impressive, and I liked the way that you described each of your characters and gave them personalities. I could picture Pichu as being the young and excited one, always finding something exciting about the most boring of situations. And Swablu, the overly-dramatic prissy one, somewhat snobbish, but in a way that was cute enough you couldn’t help but love. And Matt, the mysterious man looming inside the cave entrance, whose true demeanor we don’t discover until the very end of the story. These were all written exceptionally well, and I could probably write a few paragraphs on their character analysis, except for, ironically, Katie.

Your main character should have the most into depth personality, she should be the one that you remember when you finish reading a story, far over the others. In this case, it was the opposite. Kaitie seemed to be a side character almost, and the others were who you were writing the story about. I think perhaps, if you put a little more attention on your lead and not the others, you could give her a personality that isn’t quite as boring. Perhaps it was done intentionally, I’m not sure, but I think it would have made the story that much better if your lead had a fun personality as well.

On the other hand, the story itself was more so-so for me. Kaitie and her two Pokémon were playing innocently by Union Cave, and somewhat randomly, she decides to give in to their wishes and go exploring inside it. That was the basic plot excluding the minor twists and events. For a Pokémon that rests in Demanding category, its story should be much more original and complex than this. When writing for upper levels, it helps to formulate the entire plot in your mind before you ever start writing, because those ideas tend to be more unique than those that you just start writing about and simply add more detail and perhaps another scene to make it lengthier.

It’s a bit hard for me to explain my true feelings about this story, because I really liked it, yet at the same time it seemed a bit…not original I guess. There was nothing that special about the story itself, but the way you actually wrote it is what made it unique and a good read. Like someone served peanut butter and jelly in a fancy restaurant. :P My biggest advice to you is to focus on coming up with some creative story lines. With your writing ability, I could see you tackling the harder categories with little trouble.

Grammar/Spelling: This was more than likely your strongest area. I hardly saw any errors as I read, and I’m not really up to going back through your story to find and single out something minor.

The biggest thing that I noticed, however, was that you never capitalized and of the Pokémon attacks:

Matt was quick to respond to the challenge. “Charmander, hit the mouse with a smokescreen!”
The power from his nasty plot still within him, he gathered the last remains of electricity within him quickly to demolish the building Pokemon.
You’ll always want to capitalize these. The easiest way to look at it is to think of them as proper nouns, since technically they are, considering that they are an official name of something. (So Smokescreen and Nasty Plot.) Anything that is Pokémon related will more than likely need to be capitalized.

The only other thing I remembered the location of was this:
“You were great. You’ve improved so much since you’re first battle. I’m so proud of you, Pichu,” she spoke, emotions inside her choking her up.
You may already know this (and you probably do), but a lot of people mix them up, so I’ll go over it just in case. Basically, “you’re” is a contraction for “you are”, and “your” is to show possession. So saying “you’re first battle” is actually saying “you are first battle”, which makes little sense. So, because you’re actually trying to show Pichu’s ‘ownership’ in a sense over the battle, you’d want to use the possession form, “your”.

Lots of quotes. Should look like this:

“You were great. You’ve improved so much since your first battle. I’m so proud of you, Pichu,” she spoke, emotions inside her choking her up.

If this was something you already knew, then I apologize. Better safe than sorry, uh?

This was another bitter/sweet thing for me. When you describe things that aren’t really…things, the descriptions are excellent. For example, the character personalities, the sounds of voices, expressions, the look in someone’s eyes; all of these were done really well, and its kind of unusual for your strengths to be in this area when it is usually the most common to be overlooked. But, when you went to describe the basics, as in what things actually looked like, you came up short.

One of the most important things you want to be sure to describe is your character and their appearance. And, it makes sense because they will be following you throughout the story. If the character isn’t described, it’s kind of like watching a black shadow speak randomly in every scene. This was something that ended up happening for me. I couldn’t really see Kaitie at all as there was so little description about her. You said she was skinny, but what else? Surely she isn’t the only skinny girl on the planet, what sets her apart from the rest? The villain of the story, Matt, was also described very little. You said he was big, and not much else. You need to give more to detailing their appearances, even obvious things like hair and eye color. All of it will help your reader see what you see.

The last thing I wanted to bring attention to, and perhaps the most important of them all, is the lack of description on the actual surroundings themselves. I realize that your character is in a cave and there is little to see but darkness, but you should really try and make the most of what there is, especially when the light came into play and she could see. The shape and color of the walls, perhaps even texture, anything that you could possibly imagine in your mind as you write should be brought into the story as much as possible, especially for your final scene with Lapras at the end. It is difficult to do this, and I struggle with it as well, I just try to slow down and focus on describing a few more things before I continue with the actual story.

Length: It’s obvious that you have enough. Just always remember that make your story better is so much more productive than making it longer. Just because you have length does not always mean you will have an automatic capture.

Battle: This bothered me a bit. A Pokémon like Lapras would be an extremely powerful opponent against a Charmander. One Surf or water attack like it, would most like destroy the lizard on the spot. Yet, for this you had the creature take three Flamethrowers for a girl it just met (not even met, really), not even bother to fight back, and then go happily into a stranger’s Poké Ball with little protest. Everything was well written, and the battle between Pichu and Charmander was two-sided and interesting, but the entire thing was extremely unrealistic.

For the future, I suggest actually having the Pokémon you aim to catch fight back, as this one did not retaliate once or even attempt to fire a single attack, which would more than likely never happen if this were real life. I like how you went for an original angle by making the villain be the one to weaken the aquatic creature, but there really needs to be some sort of battle from the Pokémon itself…even a single attack from it would have made this better for me…

I don’t mean to sound harsh, because this really did have its good points; there were lots of nice descriptions, and the battle between Kaitie and Matt was enough for me to like this section enough I suppose. Just really focus on making your battle both plausible and interesting, because not all Graders will view it the same.

Outcome: It was a good story…a little too close for comfort for me, but I think the actual writing and somewhat original outlook on what would normally be an average plot should give you the water monster. Lapras captured! Have fun with it, and good luck in future stories. :]
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